The Christmas of Death

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Massive Spoiler Warnings!!

Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!


See the ENTIRE archive and image site at -
http://www.whoguide.com/









It's -

The One Hundred and Seventy-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Douglas Fir


Episode XMAS - The Christmas of Death - 


 It is Christmas Eve, and Jackie turns a trick whilst dressed as
a leggy Santa's Helper.  

 Mickey watches nearby, he's doing a good line of business as her pimp.

 Mickey hears a distinctive groaning noise nearby.  At first he thinks
nothing of it - just the sounds of the trade.

 When the wheezing kicks in, Mickey realises that he's actually hearing
the distinctive sound of the TARDIS landing.


 Rushing out into the street of the Powell Estate, Mickey and Jackie see
the TARDIS blink into existence above them, ricochet off a few buildings,
then come to a crashing halt. A strange man stumbles out of the police
box doors, wishing them Merry Christmas and kissing them firmly on the
lips before collapsing. 

 Rose walks outside the TARDIS, looks at Mickey and Jackie, and then
brings her eyes down to the pavement at the stranger.

 "He says he's The Doctor.
  God, I hope that's not true."

(Opening credits - The TARDIS flies through the vortex and smashes 
through a giant stack of elegantly wrapped Christmas presents, which
fly toward the viewer. The addresses of the gifts act as a cast list).


 They bring the Doctor to Jackie's flat and dress him in pyjamas.
Jackie and Mickey recently knocked over an M&S and stole everything
they could get their hands on.  Unfortunately, their biggest hauls
were ugly pyjamas and poncy specialty foods.

 Throughout the episode the Doctor discovers various dessert items in
the pockets, which act as both snacks and incredibly horrible product
placements -

 "AH!  Profiteroles with chocolate sauce!  That's not just decadence,
it's M&S!"


  While Rose discusses the Doctor's change of appearance with Jackie,
they do not see a wisp of vortex energy emerging from the Doctor's mouth,
smashing through a window, floating across the estate killing everything
in it's path, and then pleasantly floating into space.

 Rose, Jackie, and Mickey eat baked beans on toast and watch television.

 Apparently the only channel that they can get in Jackie's house is News
24.  

 Prime Minister Harriet Jones and project director Daniel Llewellyn give
a press conference about the Kneale One space probe, which is about
to land on Mars. 

 However, like the vast majority of recent Martian probes, it is lost to
incompetence and then swallowed up by a passing alien mothership.

 If only the space agencies of earth would check the local space traffic
report before sending these annoying things off willy-nilly!
 
  
 Rose tells Mickey that she needs a break from all the life and death
danger stuff she's been doing recently.  They decide to go Christmas
shopping, but are attacked by a group of masked Santas armed with lethal
musical instruments. 

 "DAMN IT!!  This is just TYPICAL!" Grunts an aggrieved Rose.

 
 The pair escape tuba mortar fire and run all the way back to Rose's
home.  Rose babbles insane levels of nonsense and continuity -

 "SANTAS!  They MUST be after the Doctor?!"

 "Why do you think that Rose?"

 "BECAUSE!  He claimed to have beaten up Father Christmas once.
To defeat someone called an Ice Warrior.  That's why I never got
the red bike."

 "Huh?"

 "It was after we stopped the lesbians in World War Two."

 "ROSE!  WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH THIS MAN!?!
  I mean, to piss off Santa?  That's pretty bad."


 When they finally reach the flat, Rose notices a new addition: a
Christmas tree none of them bought. The tree begins to whirl around
and shoot deadly, and heavily overpriced, ornaments at them.

 The three retreat to the bedroom, the Christmas tree in hot pursuit.
It begins to shoot thousands of needles at them, which aren't lethal
but leave really annoying and painful shallow cuts over the skin, very
much like paper cuts.

  Mickey sucks his fingers in pain. 
"I never did trust those damned artificial trees!"


  Rose grabs the Doctor by his unfashionably wide lapels and shakes him
like mad.  "WAKE UP!  SAVE ME!"

  Several seconds of thrashing his body wildly about has no effect.

 Finally, Rose breathes out with an exasperated sigh and says -

 "Okay.  What the hell.  Works for everything else.  Why not give it a
  try?"

 Rose waves the sonic screwdriver vaguely in the Doctor's direction.

 Empowered by sonic energy the Doctor rises as the tree bursts through
the door and disintegrates the tree with the screwdriver. 

 'You could have done that yourself you know Rose?  Just set it to
"Lumberjack", that's the trick.'

 The Doctor then mumbles and goes back to sleep.


 The first signal from Kneale One arrives: the world is shocked.

 The visage of Santa Claus with a giant sword has been transmitted from
space.


 In the Tower of London, which houses a facility run by the 
World Allied Nations Killingforce (WANK), the Prime Minister and her
aide, Alex Klein, fabricate a cover story that a crazy old boffin dressed
as Santa Claus hacked into the television signal and started screaming
in Klingon about the true meaning of Christmas.

 A technician, Sally, explains that the signal did not come from Mars but
5000 miles above the planet's surface, which means that there is a ship,
and it is moving rapidly towards Earth; and furthermore, that language
definitely WASN'T Klingon - she's even checked against her dictionary.

 Rose and Mickey use his laptop to monitor WANK.  They also track
the alien signal and the progress made by the government.


 The aliens call themselves The Santa, and they are claiming the planet
as their own due to an obscure "clause" in a galactic constitution.

 Rose and Mickey are unaware what this galactic constitution is, but
the Prime Minister informs the aliens that the French and the Dutch
failed to ratify the Galactic Constitution and so therefore it does not
apply to earth.

 The aliens think this over and agree that this has been a genuine
misunderstanding and apologise for any inconvenience caused.

 A few seconds later however, they get dreadfully bored, and put the
invasion plan back into action.

 The leader of The Santa demand that the people of earth surrender or
"they" will die. 

 Jones declines to surrender, warning that the planet is armed. As dawn
rises over London, the Santa respond.  The leader gives a full and
hearty laugh so massive that it makes his belly quiver like a bowl full
of jelly - the recognised command to attack an inferior opponent.

 A blue energy sweeps over roughly half of the world's population,
mesmerising them. The mind-controlled people climb to the highest spots
they can find, climbing to the roofs of buildings and poised to jump.

 Checking WANK's staff's medical records, Sally discovers that all the
affected people are male.

 A devious, deranged, and most probably bored-stupid research scientist
included a sample of his own "love nectar" onboard the Kneale One,
obviously hoping that some super advanced alien race would use it to
clone him.

 The Santa have found this sample and are somehow using that as a
control mechanism.

 Desperate now, Jones makes a damned good political move - she's goes
on national television and begs people to ring in with ideas, she's
completely stuffed and no one in the government knows what the hell
they are doing.....no...wait.....that's actually a CRAP political move!

 "Honestly.  We'll try anything.  Answers on a postcard OR just call
our special line, only 25p a call!  The government is totally
ill-prepared and hopeless.  I met this really cool guy once, called
the Doctor.  If he's watching, PLEASE PLEASE call.  We are really
really screwed right now.  And we can't figure out what to do.
Remember, that's only 25p a call!"

  Just then, the shockwave of The Santa ship entering the atmosphere
shatters windows all over the city; a gigantic craft shaped like a
sleigh takes position above the centre of London as the frightened
population watch.

 Rose, not knowing what else to do, asks Mickey and Jackie to help move
the Doctor to the safety of the TARDIS. 

 "I think I can fly us the hell out of this universe.  The Doctor
did it once before.  I think he just operated the blue switches."
 
 Jackie gathers various cliche supplies, including digestive biscuits,
hot chocolate and a thermos flask of tea.


 The Santa transmat Jones and Sally up to their ship. 

 They are completely surrounded by thousands of Santas.  

 The leader approaches them stroking his beard.

 Jones tries to act tough and confront the leader straight on.

 "Why do you use that appearance?  Why have you taken the form of a
international icon?"

 The leader peers down at her. "All The Santa warriors appear as me.
The proud military uniform.  The red to represent the blood of the
vanquished.  The hat, long and pointy, with a fuzzy ball on top, to
remind us of the horrors of the time war." 

 "So you claim that that is your natural appearance?  I have a hard
time believing such a coincidence."

 The leader dismisses Jones' observations, but also seems keen to hear
more.

 "You're puny race has obviously been left with a race memory of the
great warriors of The Santa!  Long in the legends of your species we
Santa did walk among you.  So even now, long after the battles have
ceased, you remember our visage and tremble in terror!"

 "Actually, you're a beloved and cute fantasy character of joy and
mirth.   You give gifts to good children and bring happiness wherever
you go."

 "Umm...yeah.  That too." Remarks the Leader, suitably deflated.

 "And I think the Coca-Cola Company might have something to say to
you about infringing on their trademark!"

 The Leader's eyes narrow. "We do not answer to the Coca-Cola company!" 

 Enraged the Leader demands immediate surrender, or he will order the
controlled men to jump. Half of the world to be sold into slavery or
half die; it is Jones's choice.


 As they move the Doctor into the console room, Jackie goes back to get
more tea cakes.

 Mickey tries to use the TARDIS scanner to tune into a scrambled porn
channel, but ends up instead on "The Human Domination Network".

 An entire intergalactic network that tracks and explains current and
past earth domination bids to it's transdimensional viewing audience.

 The Santa are curious about what press they are getting, so they beam
the TARDIS into their ship.

 Rose steps out of the TARDIS, not realising that they are aboard the
spaceship, and screams when she sees the horde of Santa Clauses.

 Mickey rushes out after her, dropping the flask of tea, which falls
directly into the unconscious Doctor's mouth.  The entire contents of
the flask pour down the Doctor's throat in one mighty gush.


 Rose tries to bluff The Santa -

 "By the authority of the Shadow Proclamation, and the seal of
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, with the consent of the Slitheen crime
family, and the magic of The Snowman, I order you to leave this planet
or to face the wraith of the Dustbins and The Mince Pies of Unbelievable
Power!"

 The Santa briefly pause, obviously frightened by the mention of the
Mince Pies.  But before Rose can press this advantage any further
the doors of the TARDIS swing open to reveal the Doctor standing,
smiling, wearing only pyjamas covered in fresh tea stains.

 Our hero has arrived!
 

 The Doctor proceeds to run around the Santa spacecraft like a total
git hyped on cheap ecstasy.
 
 He dances to music that seems to only exist in his head and natters on
about how he's still working out what his personality is like in this
new incarnation. 

 He spots a large, conveniently placed, glowing red button and walks up
to it.  The button is placed directly on top of a machine, which he
immediately rips apart with his bare hands to reveal its inner workings.

 The Doctor tips his hand into the heart of the machine and touches
a liquid inside of it.  Curious, he gives it a taste.
 
 "AH!!  Cat semen!  NO.  NO.  Not right.  Hmmm...interesting after
taste.  Definitely human.....Male....although I guess that's probably
fairly obvious.  AH HA!  This means you're using sperm control!
How quaint.  I haven't seen that in ages.  ARGH.  It also means I've
just tasted another man's jizz.  OH WELL!  Not the first time!

 Still, it explains why the force didn't control me.  I'm alien.
But...what about Mickey?"


 Everyone turns to look at Mickey, the only male on the planet not
affected by the alien mind control.  Mickey immediately attempts to
hide his face in his jumper, out of supreme embarrassment.

 "No worries Mickey!  We can puzzle that one out later.
It's probably nothing.    Hopefully."

 
 The Santas get mightily unamused, and demand that the Doctor stop
dicking around and get to some high octane fighting for world domination.


 The Doctor sighs, and reluctantly agrees to meet Santa leader in 
single combat for the planet.

 "Oh, how Edgar Rice Burroughs of me!"

 
 The two opponents draw swords on each other, and within seconds the
leader carves off the Doctor's hand like an overly dry turkey leg.

 The Doctor calmly explains that he is still within 15 hours of his
regeneration cycle, which means his hand will completely regrow within
moments.

 However he is shocked when it actually happens!

 "Hell!  I couldn't remember if I was just making that up, or if it's
something I read about in school about tadpoles!  This is GREAT!"

 The Doctor holds Santa at sword point at the ship's edge,
extracting an oath from the leader to leave the planet and never return
if the Doctor spares his life.

 As the Doctor walks back, Santa tries a final attack, but the Doctor
bounces an M&S luxury chocolate orange, that he finds in his stolen
dressing gown, off a control button, opening a section of the ship's
wing beneath the leader and sending the alien plunging to his death. 

 "And I really was going to eat that later....what a waste." 


 The Doctor sends the other Santa on their way with a reminder that the
planet Earth is defended and that he's totally prepared to kick arse
and take phone numbers. 

 Transmatted back to London, Jones asks if there are more aliens out
there and the Doctor notes that there are thousands - but only the
budget to bring back one decent classic monster per series.
 
 "The human race is being noticed more and more.  Sending probes
deeper and deeper into space every day...hmm...I'm sure I've heard
that observation before."

 
 The Doctor turns his attention to Rose, Mickey, and Jackie.  He's
on top of the world.

 "I'M SO HAPPY that there was a peaceful and agreeable end to that
conflict.  The Santas are safely on their way and the earth is safe
again.  You have NO IDEA how much progress your species has made in
such a short time.  Your new Prime Minister is fantastic and far better
leadership than you've ever had before.

  Not more than a few decades ago I tried to resolve an issue like this
peacefully, and just when things were falling together the government
decided to just blow everyone up for no good reason.  But that 
senseless brutality need never happen again!"

 Jones gives the order to fire. Five green beams converge as one over
London, and the resulting energy burst destroys the Santa ship as it
heads into space.

 The Doctor's face drops.

 "SHIT!!!" 


 The Doctor glares at Harriet Jones, furious, but she tries to justify
the use of the weapon as defending the planet.  

 The Doctor bitterly says he should have warned the Santas to run as
the real monsters, the humans, are coming.

 When Jones asks if she should consider the Doctor another alien enemy,
the Doctor warns her that he can bring down her government with just
one word.

 "One word?  No you couldn't!  You wouldn't."

 The Doctor thinks for a moment "Okay.  I need seven.  But I could
still do it."

 The Doctor whispers in Sally's ear: 

 "Doesn't she remind you of Margaret Thatcher?"


 Jackie, Mickey and Rose serve Christmas dinner in the flat; baked beans
on toast with a side of sprouts. 

 The Doctor looks through the TARDIS wardrobe, finally settling on a
suit and a long overcoat. 

 Rose is not impressed.

 "Ewwwww.  You look like my old English teacher, Mister Gibbs!
I can't fancy someone who dresses like that!"

 "I'm not totally traditional English teacher. LOOK I've got
Union Jack Converse shoes as well!"


 Outside, what looks like snow is falling over London, accompanied by
shooting stars, but the Doctor points out that it is ash  the last
remains of spaceship. 

 It is a new start for Earth as well; with so many people seeing
Santa Claus, there is no covering up his existence this time.

 But there are new worlds to see and explore.  So many wonderful and
beautiful worlds that the Doctor somehow hasn't been barred from.

 With a now-trusting Rose by his side, they look up into the sky, and
the Doctor assures her that it will be fantastic.

 Rose asks him never to say "Fantastic" again, she's always thought it
was unbearably camp. 


Book(s)/Other Related - 

Doctor Who: Santa And The Lugar Pistol of Destiny 


Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor has faced the Santa before, and they also recall him as
"The Mischievous Elf.  Always throwing wrenches into our plans with his
toys."


Groovy DVD Extras -

Various deleted/extended scenes:

The original, much more graphic scene of Jackie in her candy-stripped,
fishnet stocking, elf-girl fantasy hooker outfit, communicating with
Mickey through a walkie-talkie as she looks for dates.

The cut scene where a group of young carollers are viciously ripped
limb from limb by a demonic Christmas tree.

The deleted scene in which Rose's grandmother has her eyes ripped out
by a steaming hot, freshly baked, Gingerbread Man of evil.

The unnecessarily gory scene when a young boy has his entire arm
bitten off by a rabid stocking for trying to peak a look at his
Christmas Gifts on Christmas Eve -- that'll teach 'em!

The short sequence where Mickey has his face covered completely by
a murderous, scalding, Christmas pudding.

The original ending, where the Doctor faces the camera and says
"Merry Christmas to everyone.  And a happy new year.  Oh, wait.
The new year is 2006 this time?  Crikey.  Oh well, enjoy it while
you can, suckers!"



Dialogue Disasters -

-----

Blake: I'm getting demands from Washington, ma'am.
       The President's insisting that he takes control of the situation.

Jones: You can ask the President to write out the demands and have them
       to me by this time tomorrow.

Blake: Awww, now that's just cruel.  You know he can't read or write.


-----

Newsreader: Off the record, government sources are crapping their
            pants and crying for their mummies.  This is undoubtedly
            the apocalypse. 
            And now, let's turn to the weather.
-----



Dialogue Triumphs -

-----

Mickey: You know, it's times like this when the world is coming to
        an end, and I'm eating chocolate digestives and drinking 
        tea, that I just feel proud to be British.
 
-----

Doctor: Look at these people, these human beings.
        Puny insignificant ants.  Mistakes of cosmic evolution.
        Stupid.  Blind.  They could disappear tomorrow and who
        in the galaxy would miss them?

        No, hold on.  Sorry, that's the argument for their total
        and complete destruction.
        
        I've heard it so many times I've just gotten momentarily 
        confused...hmmm...

        They're really neat when you get to know them actually.  

        I mean they've got some great dance music and everything.

        I was in this club in Soho once and...

        No....not a good example.

        Did I mention I like cheese?
        Yum, Yum!

------------------------------------------------------------


Viewer Quotes -

"After seeing this, I kept taunting my younger brother, telling him
that our Christmas tree would come alive and kill him.
 He cried and cried and cried.
 I love Doctor Who."
           - David Speckler (Age 13)


Russell T Davies Speaks!

 'I was absolutely delighted to hand over the role to David.
It stopped all those late night phone conversations when he would
call me up drunk and start screaming his new fanfic down the line
at me, with some title like "The Timekings of Skaro" or "Beyond The
Sun: Redux".  

  I would happily give anything not to hear him give his insanely over
the top readings of lines he'd write for Cybermen seemingly at random.

  I was pretty certain he'd take the role once I offered, that was
never going to be a problem.  I first got the hint that he was interested
when he stood outside my apartment window in the pouring rain holding up
a giant handmade cardboard sign reading 'ATTENTION RTD - I *AM* THE
DOCTOR!'

  I was also impressed with his excellent homemade third Doctor costume.
The cravats were intensely accurate.'
      

Billie Piper speaks about David Tennant!
 'My first thought was "My word!  What a dedicated method actor."
But after we wrapped up filming, he asked me if I wanted to touch
his 'segment'. He mumbled something about a key to time or something.
I don't know what that was about, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to.'


David Tennant Speaks!
'I just live my normal life and go about things in my usual way.
But every now and again, I'm standing in these caves in my pyjamas,
with a broadsword, I look around and think "WOW!  I'd love to do
something like this in Doctor Who someday!"'


Rumours & Facts -

 The time I would usually take to properly research a story like this
was unfortunately taken up by other important duties -

 Chiefly drinking absinthe, popping pills, dancing like a mad fool in
cramped smokey dives in Hackney, attempting to chat up anyone who looked
interesting, failing miserably with 100% accuracy, then ending up in
some random stranger's after gig house party, whilst feeling intensely
thirsty and hot, but somehow magically happy -- and then falling asleep
in their stairwell for 18 hours.

 Somehow I managed to see the Christmas Special as it was broadcast and
then called up random friends in America to tell them that I loved them
and wishing them Happy New Year as I forgot it was actually Christmas,
then heading out to an underground trance gig and being mugged in Hull.

 So, really at this point it's a miracle that I can still type and have
my own brain -- or at least one so similar to my old one that I don't
notice the difference.

  Did I mention I love you, dear reader?

 ANYWAY!  Enough lame auto-biography, I'm sure you'll agree.

 Let me do some proper research (aka I'll open the most recent SFX and
Radio Times magazines I have and see what I can cheaply paraphrase!)

 RTD was so impressed with David Tennant's stunning performances in the
Christmas Special and Series Two that he used the official master DVD
quality edits of the programmes as drink coasters and used them to play
Frisbee with his confused dog, Mister Stilken.

 Every magazine featuring a story about Doctor Who includes a picture
of TennantDoc looking gormless followed soon after by a picture of him
looking intense.  Especially thorough magazines also include a third
picture of him looking intensely gormless.

 Cheap magazines include a tiny picture of Rose Tyler in a pair of tight
jeans which was obviously taken to accentuate her arse.  More upmarket
magazines have a similar tiny picture taken to more tastefully accentuate
her midriff.

 SFX magazine has a double-sided full-sized poster of BOTH pictures,
so we know who I'm going to keep subscribing to!  THANKS GUYS!

 And what the hell, we need a good rumour don't we??

 Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant are secret lovers.

 Don't ask me how I know.

 The information was given to me in complete confidence, and Anthony
Stewart Head would be really annoyed with me if he knew I was telling
people what he told me in that club in Hull...before he mugged me.