99+ Things A whovian doesn't want to hear in the Operating Room
By various people on Dejanews and rec.arts.drwho
Dangermouse
1) "All right, my boy, once we get this out, you can climb inside..."
2) "I took my degree under Lister in 1880..."
3) Spoons being played.
4) "Unstable? Me? UNSTABLE?"
5) (heavy breathing> "Sontaran G3 military assessment survey: Experiment
13, human resistance to organ removal..."
6) "You-belong-to-us. You-will-be-like-us."
7) "Your head! What a magnificent head..."
8) "Die, (insert name here> Die!!! Nyahahahahaha!!!!"
Erin:
9) Surgeon: ...And that's exactly why I hate the telemovie so much. Hey, has
anyone ever told you how much you look like Phil Segal?
10) "Ich bin ein Klumpenschaumendhass!"
11)Doctor: Adric, get out of that operating room right now!
Adric: Damn, now I'll never know if I got it right.
12) "Doctor! Stop juggling that poor man's kidneys!
13) "Dr. Sarmet, your goatee is caught in the sutures again."
14) Doctor: Well, if I don't get it right this time, I can always try again.
Nurse: But Doctor, this patient is human.
Doctor: Uh-oh.--
15) Doctor: I bet you a jellybaby that K9 can cauterize this artery
from 50 yards
Romana: You're on!
16) "Yes, I know the risks, but what are the chances of the patient having
_more_ than one heart?"
17) 'No, no, not the mind probe!'
18) 'You were the one who wanted to be part of a Kate Orman novel!
19) 'God! Who put the yellow dip on the operating table?'
20) Harry: 'Get this patient to the sickbay.'
Doctor: 'Infirmary!'
Harry: 'Sickbay!'
Doctor: 'Infirmary!'
etc.
21) 'Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow on the machine that goes
*bing*!'
22) 'Quick Nurse! That chap's arm! Five shots rapid!
23) ' Hi, I'm Nurse Mel. Would you like some intravaneous carrot juice?
24) 'I don't care about its medical capabilities, Doctor, remove that
umbrella right now!'
25) 'Well... at least the nose is a definite improvement.'
26) 'Hello, I'm Dr. Gabriel and this is my assistant Tanith.'
27) 'Hmm, scalpel, scalpel...Aha! (sound of shoe being removed> Of course,
obvious place...'
28) 'Are you _sure_ TCE stands for Tissue Correcting Encephalograph?'
29) 'Nurse, I need another dose of Dymoxyl Lybegen Amphetamine-Sulfate over
here. Better get one for the patient too.
30) 'It looks like he has an alien virus invading his brain-stem. I think
it's time to send in the clones.'
31) 'You may be a doctor but I am _the_ Doctor! Now, hand over the forceps!
32) 'It appears we've run out of anasthetics. Care for a jellybaby?'
BFElliott
33) "Okay, everyone, carve him open again. We have to repeat everything for
the West Coast."-
34) "Look everyone, this guy's heart is the missing segment to the Key To
Time!"
35) "Don't be silly, that's just The Tenth Planet, episode 4."
36) "Tapeworm. I thought you said Timewyrm!"
37) "Nurse Wolsey, massage the patient's heart."
38) "I'm not a Doctor, but I played 1/13th of one on British TV."
39) "Ok. We sewed him up. His large intestine is here on the hatstand.
Where's my scarf?"
40) "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated! Nah, only kidding. We're just
the Sontarans. Care to take part in some 'medical research'?"
41) "This guy likes Doctor Who! I'm leaving!"
42) "How about some Dalek Poetry?"
43) "How are those weekly stats?"
44) "McCoy fans like Tom Baker for all the wrong reasons."
45) Any thread title from Rec.Arts.Drwho
46) "So, as I see it, he's got three hearts and no lungs."
47) "What could possibly go wrong?"
48) "Did you hear the story about the Doctor, a police box, and a poor
schmuck in an operating room?"
49) Surgeon 1: Did you catch Daleknosis Murder last night?
Surgeon 2: No, I watched Ogronfeld.
Surgeon 3: Well, I like Mastery, with Diana Rani!
(three way fist-fight ensues in operating room)
50) I shall EXTERMINATE those clogs in your arteries. EXTERMINATE!
51) If he only has one heart, what's this?
52) Okay, we've sewn him up. Now what's that extra lung doing on the
operating table. More to the point, where's my sonic screwdriver?!?
53) Anyone want to hear Madame Butterfly?
Nah. Try that single: "The Ballad Of The Last Chance Saloon"
54) Relax, sir. We've called in our best Doctor - Grace Holloway.
55) My university nickname was Theta Sigma. You stole my jelly babies.
Prepare to die
56) Um, that wasn't anesthetic you gave him. (See White Darkness, reference
Benny)
57) You're in the wrong universe.
58) Your existence is in violation of history.
59) I'll play my recorder to cheer us all up.
60) You will obey me.
61) (Said by man in long scarf) What could possibly go wrong?
62) Surgeon 1: Star Trek rules! Whovians suck.
Surgeon 2: Babylon 5 rules! Whovians suck.
Surgeon 3: Doctor Who rules! Trekkies and B5ers suck!
(another fight breaks out)
63) Surgeon: When I get my hands on the creep that convinced the local PBS
station to replace To The Contrary with Doctor Who...
64) Tom Baker appeared in an episode of Remington Steele. Is Steele canon?
For that matter, how about Peter Davison and Magnum PI?
65) I'm not a Doctor, but I played one on the BBC.
66) Sorry, chap name Lethbridge-Stewart needs an immediate operation here.
We'll sew up back up once we deal with him.
67) Doctor Who's on UK Gold. We'll deal with your gushing arteries as soon
as it's done.
68) I know he's a mess, but we can pass him off as a Lionheart compilation.
69) (After you receive the bill, a man with a question mark umbrella berates
you with) Pay down the debt. I don't care if it takes a hundred years, a
thousand years, pay back the debt! Oops, wrong person. (Looks at your bill
again.) As for you, I fear you will not be able to pay it off.
70) We hope to see you return to Castrovalva Public Hospital soon!
Ian McIntire
71) "Ah nurse. I've been looking for that anatomy text..... Wait a minute!
This thing is useless! The patient's a human, not a Grey!"
72) "I don't think this guy's name is (insert your name here>."
M.H. Viveiros (Tom)
73) Wait. What's the brain doing on the floor!?! Condo, I NEEDED that!!
Azaxyr
74) "We're going to have to replace these with Cyberparts."
75) "Right, now that he's unconscious, it's time for some fun."
76) "Looks like a Janis thorn - too bad we still don't have an
antidote. Oh well, we can always expose him to massive
radiation, and put what's left in this mobile metal casing.
Then he can go around yelling "exterminate" all day...
But sadly, he's doomed to failure for the rest of his life."
John Cook
77) "I thought you said you took brain surgery at A Level"
"I didn't say I passed!"
John Pettigrew
78) "Hmm, a tricky brain op. Pass me the gromit, Nurse."
79) "Are you a McCoy lover?"
"Pardon?"
"Cos I have to tell you right now that Pertwee was the best ever.Hai!"
"Ooof!"
80) "Shit, we've lost him..."
81) DM's reply: Did you look behind the fridge?
Daniel Frankham
82) Puccini.
Andrew Cook
83) "Mr Smith, would you kindly remove your glasses from the patient"
Charles Daniels
84) "Mel's Screaming Aria With Rubber Monsters"
Bill Billingsley
85) "You know I'm really impressed with how easily all those Dr Who monsters
handle fiddly stuff. I wish I was that dextrous..."
Lorrill Buyens
86) "This is your surgeon, Dr. Tesram."
87) "How should we carve him, Shockeye?"
88) "Excuse me, but have you seen my celery?"
89) "No, Ace, you may *not* use that oxygen tank for your Nitro-Nine!"
James Griffin
90) "Now, don't you worry old chap. My name's Sullivan,
Surgeon-Lieutenant Harry Sullivan actually."
Alden Bates
91) "Hey, that bit looks like a Dalek's insides!"
92) "Oh well, we can get John Peel to retcon _that_ little mistake"
93) "He did blow up Skaro!"
"Didn't!"
"Did!"
(fight ensues>
94) (fist clench> "Detonate!"
95) "THIS OP-ER-A-TION CALLS FOR EX-TRE-ME-LY DEL-I-CATE WORK. PUT THE
GLOVE ON MY SU-CKER PLEASE."
96) (you suddenly find yourself floating in clouds next to the Black
Guardian who tells you to kill the Doctor...>
97) "Be careful with those canisters of Movellan virus!"
98) "The last spleen I need! Nothing can stop me now!"
99) (whispered in the ear> "I'm sorry; you have to die so my plan to
defeat the Zargoids will work."
--------------------------------------------------------------
From: Susan Foreman
So this is it. You have been watching Who your whole life, and now it's
about to end (your life, not Dr Who). So you lay on the table, waiting
for an operation that could save your life. And you dread not to hear a
few of these things which would mean terrible ruin for you. Here are my
own additions to the list. Part 3
1."Doctor, the patient is ready now...."
"Ohh sorry, you see, I'm not a doctor, I'm the definate article, you
might say"
2."one gigantic thrust" (tegan>
3.(whispered> "does anybody know where I left my yo yo ?"
4.(from the master> "soon your body shall be mine...."
5."it's more like chop suey"
6."Harry Sullivan is an imbecile!!!!!!!!'"
7."No, no, I still think it looks more like Rococco"
8."It is the end, but the moment has been prepared for"
9."It's supposed to have lumps in it" (mel from Iceworld>
10.(to male patient>"oh, hello old girl"
11."Oh no, you can't do that!!!"
"Cybermen do not subscribe to theories of morality"
12."Even the sonic screwdriver wo'nt get me out of this one...."
13."K9, what do you have in your memory banks about giant vampires?"
14."Oh no, he messed it up again!!!" (Sarah, after supposedly being
dropped of in S. Croydan>
15."So I have to ask one of you which is the right vein to cut?
And one of you allways lies and the other is allways truthful?"
16."I may not be a vetrinarian, but the patient is still under my care"
(from spearhead from space>
17.(said into chest>"Oh no, don't be scared, you have to come out every
once in a while and wave a tentacle"
18."Hey look!! His heart is a piece of the key to time!!"
19."No, no no, we've learned all we can from anal probing" (from the
Simpsons, I couldn't resist>
20.(from the outtakes>"K9, do you ever Fu**ing know the answer when it's
important?"
21."Do you just have to shoot everything?" (probably from dozens of
pertwee stories>
22."So what happens to vampires when they die?" (somewhere in State of
Decay>
23."HUNGRY!!! HUNGRY!!!!"
24."There it is, a kaled mutant" (Genesis Of The Daleks>
25."No, Doctor!!!"
"Well, you never can tell" (paradise towers>
27."You mean, I come from that!?!?" (from city of death>
28."The jagoroth are the ones who want the chickens?" (I don't know, it
just sounds weird>
29."Oh, now you've done it, we shant be seeing him again" (spearhead from
space>
30."Everybody, cross your fingers" (or variations of from countless Tom
Baker stories>
31."This is field major Styre reporting, internal examination of the
species "human" about to commence"
32. "Oh no, he has a case of chronic hysterisis."
33. "hey, this guy tastes just like chicken" (just for fun>
Another great list from the person who brought you beer milkshakes and
various other worthless threads.
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