The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Apr/May 2000

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

[Subject: Re: Ian and Barbara Dalek Agents?]

>> ...The Doctor mutters something under his breath about "They're not
>> from the authorities then". So doesn't that prove he suspected them
>> of being sent by the police, not the Daleks?  [Gavin Winters]

Paul Andinach (> wrote:
> Can't he have had more than one suspicion?

THE DOCTOR:  (muttering)  They're not from the authorities, then.

[THE DOCTOR pulls out a pencil and a sheet of paper, and crosses
something out on the page.]

THE DOCTOR:  Hmm, ah, hmm... (suddenly)  Are you Nazis?

IAN:  What?  No, we're not Nazis!

THE DOCTOR:  Oh.  [crosses out another line]  Communists?

IAN: No!  what are you on about, you mad old man?

THE DOCTOR: Huguenots?

[long pause]

BARBARA:  (to IAN)  Well, he's got us there...

William December Starr (> 31/3/00


[Subject: Re: Jon Pertwee's Cape now for sale at ebay!]

Charles Christopher Hart wrote:
> > > Must! RESIST! CAPE!!!!!!

Gareth Thomas (> wrote:
> > It was his grandfather's wasnt it?

> > Does he come with it?

Paul E. Curtis (> wrote:
> I'm not sure, but I expect that the eventual purchaser will come, just as
> soon as he gets his hands on that cape!

That's a bit extravagant.  I would use a tissue for that.

Gareth Thomas (> 31/3/00


[Subject: New Anghelides commission for BBC books]

I'm delighted to confirm that, on my own
recommendation, and having spotted a gap in
the BBC long-range schedules for the 8DAs,
I have been commissioned for a three-book
sequence next year featuring all nine
Doctors. (Not mentioned in the cover blurbs
to preserve the surprise.)

Before anyone pipes up, I should emphasise
that I have not in any way unfairly exploited
my long-standing personal friendship with the
BBC's DW Consultant (Range And Products)
Justin Richards. I agreed this major commission
while Justin was on a three-week boating holiday
in the Lake District, and after a short discussion
with Jennifer Lead. Ms Lead doesn't work on the
BBC Books as such, but she is BBC Worldwide's
Head of Sports, Cookery, and Juniors Publishing,
and therefore has delegated commissioning rights.

To get round multi-book-commission contractual
difficulties with the BBC, I will be using
pseudonyms for two of them, of course. They're
all anagrams of my name, by the way.

The books are detailed below, and the
overall "arc" has a title too--as you can see
below from the sales pitch that I sent
with my original submission. (Exclusive to
r.a.dw, you lucky people.)

I hope this disproves all those in r.a.dw
who recently poo-pooed the idea that BBC
Worldwide aren't open to new ideas in the
DW franchise.

Bear in mind that this contains SPOILERS: look
away now if you don't want to know more.

Peter Anghelides
by Peter Anghelides

The Doctor isn't the man he was since his
regeneration in Continent Five. New companion
Job, the Z'dule outcast he rescued from the
swirling waters of that dying world, is worried
that he may not survive.

Sensing some huge movement in the bowels of
the continuum, Job steers the TARDIS to a mysterious
realm in Space-Time known only as the White Bowl.
Nothing is exactly what it first seems, and they
know they have to get to the bottom of this puzzle.

Job and Compassion must locate a missing
Gallifreyan artifact which can save the Doctor's
regeneration--so powerful that just passing this
mysterious Gallifreyan material over the Doctor's
cheeks will stabilise his next three lives.

The search is on for the Touching Cloth of Rassilon.

TOUCHING CLOTH: a Doctor Who trilogy from BBC Books

by Stephen Edgerail

Separated by a thousand years and the memories
of Compassion's death, the Doctor and his
constant Z'dule companion Job struggle to find

Job is trapped by the Crack of Doom, a twilight
realm hidden within the infamous Underpass. Job
has a brush with danger, for he is surrounded
by a lethal store of chemical weaponry.

Meanwhile, the Doctor finds he is abandoned
in 1789 at the height of the French revolution, and
must gamble the Time Lord's Touching Cloth with an
old enemy in a dangerous game of cards. And what
has the fate of Louis XVI to do with him?

Laden with his dangerous load, Job is stuck
in a difficult position. With the pressure
continuing to build, can he squeeze to safety
in time, or will he leave an indelible mark on
the Underpass?

TOUCHING CLOTH: a Doctor Who trilogy from BBC Books

by Denise Pelgarthe and Justin Richards

The Time Lords' most deadly weapon, the Touching
Cloth, is now is the hands of mercenaries Armitage
Shanks and Trusty Lichfield. On the frontier world
of Bolding Vedas, the Doctor and Job stand up to
the New Nisa corporation's shiny facade in a
desperate attempt to pass whatever they can
back into the Vortex.

Mixed-up terrorists Tish, Carp and Tox make an
unwelcome reappearance. Tish and Carp want to
help, but Tox could mess things up for the
undercover agents. Before long, Job is sticking
his neck out and the Doctor has his hands full.

How will the appearance of Andrewski
Vasilyevicz, the international assassin
codenamed Andrex, change things? Can Job survive,
or will the Doctor be unable to stop Andrex
from wiping him out forever?

TOUCHING CLOTH: a Doctor Who trilogy from BBC Books

To keep costs low, so that you can buy all three
books together for only twenty pounds (US price
TBD), BBC Worldwide will be printing the books
on lower-quality paper-stock than usual. All
three books will be published simultaneously on
April 1, 2001.

A fourth book is still being negotiated. But if
"Cistern Shock" gets the go-ahead, and does
not just go down the pan, I will be using the
pseudonym "Al Deepgreenshit".

Peter Anghelides (> 1/4/00


[Subject: Re: What is wrong with War of the Daleks?]

>>> And, for that matter, why those cunning strategist Daleks behind this
>>> whole plan were willing to let their Movellan stooges detonate a nova
>>> device to destroy fake-Skaro, which would rather have put a dent in the
>>> overall plan...

M.H. Stevens (> wrote:
>>If I remember correctly(I may not you never know), the nova device would
>>have simply devastated the surface, leaving the planet intact, otherwise
>>why did the cylinder it was in not explode with it?

Jon Blum (> wrote:
>Even if it would only have devastated the surface, Davros and the Doctor
>-- the two individuals for whose benefit this whole wacky deception is
>being run -- happened to be *on* the surface at the moment...

Hmm... the Daleks really need to hire an advisor or something:

Advisor (as played by John Cleese): So, you see the Doctor, what do you do:
Advisor: No, *think* about this, this is the Doctor, the Ka Faraq Gatri, who
defeats all your plans, and you really, really hate him.
(Dalek thinks>

Ed Jefferson (> 2/4/00


[Subject: Re: Authors who should have written for Who]

Shakespeare: The Tragedie of Davroff, King of the Dalecks

Dramatis Personae
Davross- Prince of Skaro, later King        Doktorio- Moorish adventurer and
Nyderio- Knight of Skaro,                             adversary of Davross
      loyal Advisor to Davross              Lady Sara Jayne Smythe-
Consort to
Mercurio, Absinthio, Fellatio-                         Doktorio
       Wizards to Davross                   Harrie Sullivane- Apothecary
Dalek 1                                                Doktorio
Dalek 2
Dalek 3
Dalek 4
Dalek 5
Dalek 6
Dalek 7 &c

ACT I scene I; a heath
   Enter Davross, Nyderio, Two Daleks

Davross: Fair Nyderio hast my plan thou seen
         To smite the Thalls and drive them from the land?

Nyderio: Pray tell, I long for good news in this war.

Davross: I'll snare them with a diplomatic ruse
         With cunning linguistics I'll pleasure them
         For when they think they've won they will have lost
         And then my Dalek beasties'll disever 'em!



enter a ferocious mutant

Davross: Oh my stars!

Nyderio:             Control yourself sirrah!


they fight



Davross: What fortitude, come let us plan our conquest

exeunt Davross and Nyderio


exit Dalek 2 enter Doktorio, Lady Smythe, Sullivane

Doktorio: Well we're here

Smythe:                    Did somebody say canon?

Sullivane: I'd gladly take a cannon to this planet.

Dokrorio: This is no time for metallurgical
           discussions! The Lords of Time have set us
           on a quest. So lets away to yonder

Sullivane:        Lead the way.

Doktorio:                        After you sirrah.


... et cetera ...

Shaft Tse Tung (> 2/4/00


[Subject: Re: How about Benny in a BBV series?]

The Archaeologist sat in her room at The University, gently stroking her
feline friend, The Pussycat, with one hand, while writing in The Diary
with the other. Her semi-sentient comunicator, The Porter, chimed and
she brightened to see an old friend appear on her view-screen.

"I've had a communication from The Angel," The Collector told her,
brushing his thinning brown hair back with one hand. "It's about The
Omnipotence. Apparently there's been some trouble on The Sphere and your
old friend The Ship is on his way here right now. But if he finds out
about The Box, we'll all be for it. Meet me outside The Building tonight
so we can discuss The Plan."

"Bugger," said The Archaologist, downing the remains of the last bottle
of The Alcoholic Beverage. "All right, I'll go, but I'm not going
alone. Give me ten minutes, and I'll contact our old friends The Husband
and The Short Fat Balding One who used to be The Tall Muscular Blond

        --  from "Adventures at The University on The Planet",
        a wholly original BBV production.

Robert Smith? (> 3/4/00


[Subject: Re: "Why can't transform yourself into another species?"]

>Well, the police probably wouldn't kill the Doctor, which is what he wants
>to do. Now if he had landed in NYC instead of SF...

Fox: Behind the Scenes:

On December 31st... 1999...
A Time Traveller from a different world...
Lands on Earth...
A stranger with the ability to defy death...
And be born with a new body...
While evil lurks...
A force more powerful...
Than the world has seen...

The FOX Original Movie:


Coming May 14th, on Fox!
(a World premiere)

Gareth William Parker (> 5/4/00


>I'm struggling to think how old I was when I first saw "boobs" - nope let's
>call them "Breasts". Probably when I was about 5 or 6, and my grandad
>watched a film the contained brief nudity (Larry Hangman in a helicopter


Bloody hell, that's another childhood illusion shattered...

Keith Topping (> 5/4/00


[Subject: Re: Missing episodes whereabouts]

Keith Brookes wrote:
> >Is there ANYWHERE where the missing episodes could be?

Adam Richards wrote:
> I'm beginning to wonder if we'll ever get to the bottom of what
> happened to Dalek's Master Plan 4 ("The Traitors"). Seems like
> whenever it gets mentioned in these 'missing episode' discussions,
> certain authoritative posters go all silent and it's as if we've just
> spoken of the forbidden, unmentionable episode... It's disappointing,
> because I'd like to hear their honest theories on the whereabouts of
> that episode.

> A 16mm. film print of "The Traitors" should, according to BBC archive
> records, still exist somewhere in the BBC film archives. It was there
> until 1973 when Blue Peter borrowed it and never returned it. Someone
> working on BP reportedly took the film home with them (signing for it
> in a log book, no less) and from there, according to all I've heard,
> the trail goes cold. Where is the episode now?

Let's find out, shall we?

Now I'm gonna wake up with a Cyberman head in my bed.

Keith Brookes (> 7/4/00


[Subject: Re: The Immoral Doctor]

Paul Andinach wrote:
>>How? It's hundreds of miles away, it can't hear anything he says.

Adam Richards wrote:
>OK then, in that case can you tell me how the Hand continuously
>enabled Ace's baseball bat to weild its specific, user-friendly powers
>when she's quite a long way away from it and she doesn't command it to
>do anything, let alone anything the Hand could 'hear'?

Same way a munitions factory continuously enables the guns and bombs
it makes to work when they're quite a long way away from the

>And how did it obey the Doctor's command to destroy Skaro?

theta_sigma - 11> cat /lib/powers/impact_energy_release > /dev/bat

theta_sigma - 12> edit

if ($USER = "davros") && ($COMMAND = "destroy_planet") {
        $COMMAND->TARGET = "Skaro";
        $COMMAND->SECONDARY_TARGET = "Dalek Mothership"

theta_sigma - 1>logout


fortune: "Guns will make us powerful, butter will only make us fat."
-- Hermann Goerring

Date: 23 Nov 1963 16:10:13 GMT

You have new mail

davros - 1>destroy_planet

Usage: destroy_planet [-ehit]

davros - 2>destroy_planet -h

-e          - Crack planet open like an egg.
-h          - Prints this screen
-i          - Prompts before destroying each planet.
-t (regexp> - Destroys the planet(s) that match (regexp>

davros - 3>destroy_planet -t "Earth"

Calling destroy_planet with TARGET "Earth"... sets TARGET "Skaro"... sets SECONDARY_TARGET "Dalek Mothership"

davros - 4> echo "You tricked me" | mail

davros - 5>launch_escape_pod

James Bennetts (> 8/4/00


[Subject: Re: For the traditionalists out there......]

Edward Funnell (> wrote:
> It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor
> the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.
> - Charles Darwin (1809-1882) English naturalist

Speaking as a traditionalist I'm deeply insulted by this remark, and I
plan to post a scathing reply as soon as I figure out how to climb down
from this tree.

Allen Robinson (> 11/4/00


The Supreme Dalek's Dental Floss (> wrote:
>> Hi I'm the Supreme Dalek's Dental Floss.

avm wrote:
> I didn't know the daleks had any teeth.

They don't -- "dental floss" is an affection term in Rio De Janiero for
those thong-style bikinis.

Oh. My. God.

Charles Martin (> 13/4/00


Ed Jefferson wrote:
>> >> (hug> signs, I don't mind. It's just {{hug}} signs.

>> >> Hey, I never claimed to be rational...

>> >Ah, so you're an anti-{ } troll then... ;-)


>Um. OK. I've got nothing better to do...

Mine won't go back on. I'm buggered if I ever have to type anything on
set theory.

Jonn Elledge (> 18/4/00


[Subject: Re: J2RIDER : I've worked out what it is with that guy]

Jonn Elledge wrote:
>>I'm 6'2 and heavily built, my friend. Besides, I love you and I want to
>>your children.

Ed Jefferson wrote:


>(reads two J2 posts *simultaneously*>


A U T O P S Y   R E P O R T

Victim was a healthy well developed male

CAUSE OF DEATH: incautious overdose of onanistic fan-fiction, causing
spontaneous evacuation of the bowels and stomach, leading to rupture
of cerebellum and the heart, massive explosion of the testicles and
gross hæmmoraging of the rectum and penis, finally resulting in
exanguination via the anus and urethra. Victim bled to death from his
naughty bits. Death by fanwank.

Adam Richards (> 19/4/00


Shaft Tse Tung wrote:
>I'm thinkin' Plato's Republic must be the most popular book of all time. I
>mean, this is the third time *this year* I've had to read it for class!
>And it's really not his best dialogue either. I mean, it's *good* but you
>could fit Crito, Pheado, Gorgias, and Parmenides in less space and have a
>better book.
>And parenthetically, I always picture Socrates as the first Doctor. It
>just seems like a perfect fit, especially after seeing the courtroom scene
>in The Keys of Marinus...

"I'm sorry, m'boy, I couldn't get you off... But don't worry, using
all the wits at my disposal I managed to commit... commute your
sentence from exile to suicide. Here's your cup of hmmm hemlock."

Daniel Frankham (> 20/4/00


Ed Stradling wrote:
>Christ, whatever happened to her?

Got nailed to a cross 1,970 or so years ago tomorrow, I believe.

Alan Barnes (> 20/4/00


William December Starr wrote:
>Don't know what you're talking about.  I just require some
>substance behind ideas or concepts; Magrs supplies none.  His
>pushy old broad is just a pushy old broad.  His giant owls are
>just giant owls.  His Ets are just Ceteras.  They're all just
>_there_; there's nothing _to_ them.
>Yet you people gaze in wide-eyed wonder at it all like there
>was actually something going on beyond mannequins holding a
>pose.  Consider my mind boggled.

William, I get the feeling that if someone were to show you an
antique map they had bought, and they pointed out the brushwork
and all the little cirliques and interesting bits, you would
point at the corner and go, "But there's no such thing as
dragons, and that coastline's all wrong."

Jonathan Dennis (> 21/4/00


>>>(BTW -- is Uvanov's "damn" in "Robots of Death" 1 the first
>>>incident of a four-letter word in Doctor Who?  If so, I wish I
>>>could have seen fandom's reaction...)

Ed Jefferson wrote:
>>Now, this is a very half remembered thing, but is it true that the
>>novelisation of 'Enemy of the World' uses the word 'bastard'?

David Brunt" (> wrote:
>Yeah, that bastard Kent is called a bastard.

The exchange went:

'Oh my god, they killed Kent.'
' You Bastard.'

Lance Parkin (> 21/4/00


William December Starr wrote:
>Jesus H, Fucking Christ, I shouldn't have to explain this...
>it's just *possible*, you know, that in the future there will
>come a time when a potential reader -- maybe me, maybe somebody
>else -- will come across a Doctor Who book -- maybe by Paul
>Magrs, maybe by somebody else -- that's a novel but not a
>story, and won't posses the requisite knowledge necessary to
>know that without reading the damn thing.

So what you're saying is that you have no guarantee that when
you pick a book up that you're going to like it? Well, fuck,
life sucks, get a helmet. There was no warning label on "Legacy
of the Daleks" that says 'This book is shit' either. I didn't
treat it as a personal affront.

Jonathan Dennis (> 21/4/00


Steve Day wrote:
> I shall say it again - fucking
> clueless.

What you want to do to Alicia Silverstone is your own affair and
strictly off-topic.

Daniel O'Mahony (> 22/4/00


[Subject: Re: Make your own cliffhangers!]

Keith Brookes wrote:
>>I have decided that from now on, I will have a cliffhanger in
>>my life roughly every 25 minutes.  I will carry around a small tape
>>player, and will play the ending theme every 25 minutes >in accordance
>>with the cliffhanger.

JNT sucks wrote:
>So, will you force the cliffhangers to be intersting ones or
>will you just kind of hopw it works out that way? (hey, maybe this queston
>can be a cliffhanger!)

(The person at the cash register rings in the groceries. Our
hero is writing the check. Just then, the bagger turns and asks)

Bagger: Do you want these in paper or plastic?

Next Episode - The Mild Traffic Delay Of Inconvenience!

(Closing credits begin)

Shopper: Richard Chevolleau
Employee at cash register: Robert Leeshock
Bagger: Von Flores
Director: James Cameron

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 22/4/00


[Subject: Re: Invasions and Invisible TARDISes]






Further details:

Careful study of the only image we have of the suspected CS, a color
sketch made some time ago by a brave civilian, clearly shows the
alledged perpetrator's facial features in a humanoid orientation, with
a oblong mouth below and between the eyes, instead of a circular mouth
hidden within the arms, as is the case with real squid.  The
characteristic beak is missing, as are the two lateral fins, used by
real squid to aid in locomotion.  Another tale-tell sign that the CS
is a hoax is that the alledged perpetrator is *always* green, and no
witnesses have ever reported it to change color in any way under any

Officials at the ICS now believe the alledged perpetrator to be a
humanoid in a crude rubber costume.  The motives behind this deception
are unclear, but it is possibly a terrorist plot of some kind.
Therefore, it is important to remain calm and avoid panic, which would
only play into the perpetrator's hands.


ann (capriuni@aol.commonSense> 22/4/00


Meddling Mick (> wrote:
> Hey, leave the Cyber-race alone!  What have they ever done to us?
> Except try to convert us, suck the energy from our planet, crash a
> starship into the world, take over our weather control system...

And this would fail to be an improvement over the current government
in what way, precisely?

R Dan Henry (> 23/4/00


[Subject: Re: Worst Title For A Doctor Who Story]

Charles Daniels wrote:
>> Ill ask my computer what it thinks about this :)
>> Okay computer, give me ten Doctor Who titles...
>> The Planet of the British Machine
>> I Bought European Orphans
>> I Liked The Drinking Cat Women
>> (Ummm...are you here???  Sneaking into my home???  No..can't be...
>> anyway the next seven are..)
>> Ghost Of The German Vampires
>> Attack of the Hospitable Drug Addicts
>> The Twin Tacky Dracula Dilemma
>> The Singing Daleks That Wouldn't Die!
>> Creature From The Dress Wearing Cybermen
>> An Unearthly Sexy Martian
>> The Fluorescent Apes of Doom!

Daniel O'Mahony wrote:
> They all sound amazing!
> Maybe your computer should submit something to BBC Books?

Sounds fun to.
Okay computer, I've got a whole new task.  Give me an opening sentence
for your BBC submission....

Never underestimate the power of the psychotic beard.

Charles Daniels (> 23/4/00


Adam Richards:
> >You're forgetting the biggest one - the >brolly. And the way he was
> told by JN-T to hold it, "Always hold it so >that the question mark is
> in shot - near your face, that's it!" You >know how normal people hold
> a normal umbrella? They hold it by the >handle at about waist-level.
> Well, if you watch McCoy, he holds it by >the bit just below the
> >handle, so the handle - the GIANT >unsubtle question mark - is always
> >clearly visible. And he always seems to >hold it high up, so it's
> >always in shot.

JNT sucks wrote:
> Yep, the best word to describe the umbrella and how it was constantly
> held would be: gay.

Yes, it's true.  Visit any gay bar, any night of the week.  You'll see
us all, marching in formation holding oddly shaped umbrellas high in
the air.  I assume you're straight from your post, so you probably
haven't heard, but you actually have to pass a majorette-style exam in
this activity before they'll give you your gay card.

Orange Anubis (> 24/4/00


[Subject: Re: Cybermen Vs. Ainsley Harriot]

The Shrike (> wrote:
> Oh, why not?

> The problem is, I don't know which one is the one I want to lose the

Yes, I can just imagine that particular deathmatch.

'Oooooh, what am I like?!?!?!'
'Carbon-based. Humanoid. Slightly irritating.'
'Time for a little bit of Suzy Salt...'
'Engage translation drone.'
'...And a little bit of Percy Pepper...'
'Drone malfunction.'
'Oooh, what am I like?!?!?!'
'Eh? Eh?!'
'Shut up.'
'Now let's add a bit of olive oil. Oioioioioioio......'
'High-level sonic emissions detected. Firing positions.'
'Shut up, you annoying cretin.'
'Ooooooh! What are they like!'
'Cyber patrol. Take aim...'
'Ooooh. We're a bit grumpy today!'
'Lock positions.'
'Let's all give a big grin!'
'Oooh, come on! What are we like?!?!?!'
'Firing positions locked. Parameters set.'
'Let's give them a big ol' smile...'
'On my command...'
'A big smile with my...'
'Gold teeth!'
[fizzing sounds from Cyber Patrol]

Alex Steer (> 24/4/00


Jonathan Blum wrote:
> one pull too many over the wank threshold.

I hope I never get this kind of review for any of my writing!
That would bring a tear to the eye, wouldn't it?

Peter Anghelides (> 25/4/00


[Subject: Re: The BBC has no intentions of reviving the show (responding
to Another BBC Reply)]

>What bothers me is, if they do revive it in a billion years, will
>they be able to persuade Paul McGann to do a regeneration scene?

They'll ask his great great great great great great (etc.) grandson
Ixaquar Molvis Flivvium McGann the XXVII.

Bokman (> 26/4/00


[Subject: Re: New Big Finish Audios meet B5: NEWS!]

>As long as the word "hell" doesn't keep cropping up in the script I won't
>mind  :-)

The Warriors of the Deep, JMS style:

Episode Two: The monster has been revealed... The Silurians are back! And
they're here to wipe out humanity in a blaze of nuclear war. The Doctor
confronts the leader, in a desperate bid to prevent disaster and armageddon!

(Authors note: We have spent twenty years building the arc to this climax,
don't blow it, OK!?!?!? Desperation from Peter, sinsiter intent from the
Silurian, drama, drama, drama. This is Television!)

Dr:  Is there any chance I can negotiate a peaceful settlement?

Silir: No, not now. So get the HELL off our planet.

Dr: But it's also humanity's planet now.

Silir: The HELL it is.

Dr: But you could work together, live peacefully in co-existance.

Silir: The HELL we could.

Dr: Isn't there any chance? To stop this blodd shed and death?

Silir: HELL no!

Dr: Then I will have to stop you, I don't want to but -

Silir: The HELL you will.

Dr: But -

Silir: Get the HELL out of our way!

Dr: Oh, well, I tried. What the hell.

Gareth William Parker (> 27/4/00


[Subject: Re: Pro-Fun Book Club: Divided Loyalties]

Nyctolops wrote:
>Welcome to the first edition of the Pro-Fun Book Club.
>Our aim is to foster discussion of the books without just
>bashing them.  Each edition will start off with opinions
>on the books which try to focus on the good things in
>the books as well as the things we don't like so well.
>None of the intial posts in a Pro-Fun Book Club thread
>should just blast the book.

And quite right too!  There's way too much bashing in this place!  Yes, I've
seen the light and now I'm desperate to lavish deserving goodwill on any
Who book you care to name.  No matter how bad it is, I'll utter nothing but
hymns of praise and dazzle you with the myriad wonderful facets you never
noticed in this mini-masterpiece!  Hit me with it!  I'm ready!

Divided Loyalties?

Ah.  Um.  Having a lot of weather this month, aren't we?

Finn (I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself) Clark
(> 27/4/00


[Subject: Re: Cybermen vs. JNT]

"TheoryDust" (> wrote:
> JNT... just see "Silver Nemesis".

JNT only gets round one, by tossing a handful of pocket change at his
hopped-up transparent-mouthed Cybermen..

...But that's when a Tenth Planet Cyberman sneaks up behind JNT and clocks
him a good one with the Volkswagen hanging off its chest.

Round two, Cybermen.

Rufus T. Firefly (> 27/4/00


Perry Armstrong  (> wrote:
>>There must have been _some_ reason he kept putting those symbols all over
>>clothing ;-)

Robert Smith? wrote:
>This ties in with my theory that the Doctor gets more and more forgetful
>the older he gets and so he has to get his mum to sew his name into all
>his clothing with each subsequent regeneration.

>Of course, this also makes the dark and manipulative seventh Doctor -- the
>one who is the bringer of darkness, the oncoming storm and the man that
>monsters have nightmares about -- the Gallifreyan equivalent of that guy
>in the school cafeteria with "Billy Bob" emblazoned on his jacket in
>bright colours.

That would also explain how Time Lords always recognise each other,
regardless of their appearance - it's not some weird telepathic link,
they've just all got name tags on.

Daniel Frankham (> 28/4/00

----------------------------------------------------------------- wrote:
>Keep looking forward to The Space Age. It's Steve Lyons, so it's not
>entirely traditional, but it's fairly close. Just make sure you get
>past the first few pages, then you should be okay. I have a feeling
>you (and some others) won't like the first line.

"The Doctor looked calmly at the gaping hole where his intestines used
to be"?

William December Starr (> 28/4/00


[Subject: Re: The, um, real season 27 by the BBC]

The Gurning Zone - by Marc Platt
The Doctor and Ace discover a planet full of Gurners.  This leads to
loads of hysterical scenes with the Doctor gurning at them, falling
over his feet and sorting out a little squabble with two blokes.
(4 episodes)

The Return of Mel - by Andrew Cartmel
Mel Bush returns to Doctor Who, and this time she leads the Doctor and
Ace through an exciting adventure in a theatre, letting Mel get loads
of show business stuff out of her system.
(4 episodes)

Remembrance of The Curse of the Ghost - by John Nathan Turner
The Daleks, helped by Fenric and Light seek out the Doctor - because
they wanted to know what the fuck the last times they met were about.
(3 episodes)

The Revenge of the Gurners - by Marc Platt, Andrew Cartmel and Ben
The Doctor discovers another planet of Gurners and has a wonderful
(3 episodes)

Steve Day (> 28/4/00


[Subject: Re: The Immoral Doctor]

>>A sixteen year old girl shouldn't be fooling around with explosives in the
>>first place.

Exorse wrote:
>That's right.  Instead she should be fooling around with a 16-18 year old

Bombs....... 18 year old boys....... whichever. They're both going to
go off before they should if she's got her hands on them

Chris Cwej (> 30/4/00


Jack Beven (> wrote:
>   It's been quite a while since I've read an EDA. It suffices to say
>not read anything after Vampire Science.

I must say I admire your determination and persistance! Having so much to
say about a series of novels you don't even read. (Not actually reading
any of the 29 EDAs published in the three years since VS must have left
lots of time for analysing them at length.)

I think this admission will leave a stain on all of your future postings.

I'm not back, btw - just dropping in. Shortly I'll be off to my literature
class, where we'll waste our time discussing trivia like plot,
characterisation, and prose. (Not to mention all those hours wasted
reading the books to begin with.)

Kate Orman (> 2/5/00


Prince Reynart wrote:
>>'Frontier Worlds' - Loved it!  A great, Bond-esque opening, good treatment
>>of all the characters, and a fairly trad story.  This book was just a lot
>>fun, and has me really looking forward to PA's next book.  This was
>>unbelievable.  Maybe it wasn't just hope, maybe the EDA's really are
>>much better.

"M.H. Stevens" wrote:
> File Under: Krynoids, Lack of, otherwise A-

News just in -- my latest three submissions have been rejected. BBC
Books commented: "The absence of plant-based lifeforms from a
show broadcast in the mid 1970s has sunk your proposals without
a trace." I tried a smart comeback about how they  featured a
cameo appearance by the Monoids, but apparently the
characterisation was too black and white.

Peter Anghelides (> 2/5/00


[Subject: Re: Does anyone have instructions on how to knit...]

Ed Jefferson (> wrote:
>a Peter Anghelides?

>My nan already knitted me a Tom Baker scarf, last year, and she wants to
>know what I want this birthday.

>I thought an author would be nice.

There are plans for a Lawrance Miles one, but it takes a lot of wool, and
both ends join up.

Da Cat Badge (> 2/5/00


Kate Orman (> wrote:
>>> at the skeletons'
>>> tea party, the honoured guests
>>> discuss the menu

deX! (> wrote:
>>An oblique haiku
>>Sends moralistic shivers
>>Up and down my spine.

Thad A Doria (> wrote:
>Kate Orman is still
>The only woman who is
>Writing Who Haiku...

Interference is
Far too long to be just one
Can I make it two?

Good. Oh damn I just
ran out of material.
Padding Padding Blah.

Lance Parkin (> 3/5/00


Jack Beven wrote:
>   I disagree with a lot of what Ray has said here, but he's
>hit this point right on the nose. The destruction of the TARDIS
>*will* stain *every* subsequent DW book.

Yeah, whine stains are almost impossible to shift.

Danny Gooley (> 3/5/00


BBC Books Market Research Questionnaire #1

Prepared by Acme Market Research Inc.
Nine out of ten dog food manufacturers pefer Acme Market Research!

Please circle the letter which best indicates your answer, unless
instructed otherwise.

What colour books do you usually buy?

a) white
b) blue
c) red
d) blood-red with the texture of ice-cream
e) black
f) don't care

Given the choice, what colour books would you rather buy?

a) white
b) blue
c) red
d) blood-red with the texture of ice-cream
e) black
f) don't care

What shapes most often appear on the covers of the books you buy?

a) circles
b) squares
c) arches
d) Time Lord / Vogan symbols
e) skulls
f) don't care

Do you prefer books to have titles:

a) with just one word
b) with two words
c) with two words connected with a hyphen
d) with more than two words
e) with someone's name
f) in the format "Noun of the Noun"

The cover lettering on the books you buy is usually (circle all that

a) sans serif
b) serif
c) shiny
d) small
e) large
f) black
g) not black (if not black, what colour? __________)
h) in a font that makes R's and K's look the same, occasionally
   with comical effect

Do you prefer book covers to be:

a) smooth and shiny
b) soft and silky
c) with a texture like a fine powder
d) rough-textured

The authors whose books you usually buy have surnames beginning with
which letter of the alphabet? (circle up to three letters)

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y z

When you go into a bookstore, which books do you usually look at

a) top shelf
b) eye level
c) chest level
d) navel level
e) lower
f) never go into bookstores

Do you prefer books to:

a) have no continuity references
b) have some continuity references
c) have quite a lot of continuity references
d) ignore continuity (ie contradict it)
e) change continuity within the story (eg using time travel to change
   past events in the series)
f) give continuity a kicking comparable to that which the Marquis
   de Sade gave to Justine

What is your response to the following things that might happen to the
Doctor in future books?

Please fill in the boxes with a number from 1 to 10. As a guide:

1 would mean "I will stop buying the books if this happens"

3 would mean "I will buy them but stop considering them canon"

5 would mean "I will buy them but keep saying the books are crap in
rec.arts.drwho on the Internet"

7 would mean "This sounds less horrible than some things you've done
to him"

10 would mean "please make it so"

a) get the TARDIS back __
b) be tortured __
c) have frequent sex __
d) become God __
e) become evil __
f) go back to Gallifrey for good __
g) become a hermit __
h) get married __
i) become a star of the early silent cinema __
j) grow a beard __
k) become a woman __
l) become openly gay __
m) become openly straight __
n) discover the Master is his father __
n) discover the Master is his son __
o) discover the Master is himself a long time ago before he got
   amnesia by falling into the Eye of Harmony in the 1996 telemovie __

Daniel Frankham (> 4/5/00


Exorse wrote:
>I nominate you for saddest fan of the year.

Why, thank you. Against such strong competition, as well.

Do I just pick the award up here, or do I pop round to yours to collect
it off the mantelpiece?

Daniel Blythe" (> 4/5/00


James Gendron wrote:
> Four-letter words which would make good DW story titles:


You know, you're not the first person to have posted this
review of the TVM. (Not all of us agree with it, though.)

Peter Anghelides (> 5/5/00


Sarah Gray wrote:
>I don't care about the fact if the series was canon or not..... I
>thought that Paul did a smashing job in the part.  He looked quite
>handsome and I must say I would not mind time traveling with him at all.
>Just had to drop that one in one all of you.  Have fun.

>#1 Doctor Who Fan,
>Sarah Gray

Dear Ms. Gray.

Re: Your usenet signiture.

I write to you on behalf of my client, Mr. Tom Baker. Not the aqctor
made famous for his role in the television show Doctor Who, but a fan so
dedicated to the series that he has changed his name to that of it's most
famous star. In addition, he has had plastic surgery to look like Mr. Baker
when he appeared in the series, and has had authentic replicas of Mr.
Baker's various costumes made. He has turned hs house into a mock-up of the
Doctor's TARDIS, and has invested millions in order that he might fit it
into a genuine London police box.

He owns every Doctor Who story available in every format possible, every
novel and book available for all of their print runs, and in fact, every
of Doctor Who merchandise aviable ever. (He has a complete set of Sky Ray
collectable cards- still with lolly, cryogenically frozen). He also owns
inflatable doll versions of all the Doctor's companions, who he says are
his best friends in the whole wide world.

So, understandably, he was disturbed to find that someone else had the
title of #1 Doctor Who fan. He rang up the Guinness Book of Records to
check. If you'll turn to page 345, you'll see the chart "Biggest Doctor Who
fans". Here is a copy:

Biggest Doctor fans
1-Tom Baker*
2-Ian Levine
3-Sarah Gray

*Not the real one, obviously

I hope you will keep this in mind.


Flight Lt. Arthur Bogway (Mrs.)

Ed Jefferson ( 7/5/00


[Subject: Re: The Immoral Doctor]

David Furlong wrote:
>I don't see any ethical difference between the Doctor providing Ace with
>a weapon than the Doctor allowing Ace, Leela, Jamie, and the UNIT crew to
>carry weapons with no real protest, eg: "No more Janis thorns!"  "He was
>going to kill you!"  "Oh, that's all right, then."

He eased his conscience by secretly replacing all of UNIT's ammunition
with blanks.

Daniel Frankham (> 7/5/00



Jordan M. Royce (> wrote:
> The evening is entitled "An Audience With SYLVESTER McCOY"
> and as usual, will consist of the audience chatting one-on-one
> with Sylvester in a bar.
> It will be like meeting him in your living room.

But if, if, that Sylvester McCoy were to show up in my living room, in
the middle of the night, and _demand_ that I get my wife out of bed to
cook for him while he had sex with my teenaged daughter in her bedroom,
I would say 'Oi! McCoy! NO! One-time star of the longest-running
television science fiction series of all time you may be, but however
much I admire your portrayal of a Time Lord who is more than just a Time
Lord and varies between deep introspection and moments of sheer
childishness, you do _not_ come into my home and demand my wife to make
you a meal while you engage in despicable debauchery with the fruit of
my loins!'

That's what I'd say.

(With apologies to both Sylvester McCoy and Harry Enfield)

Steven Kitson (> 7/5/00


[Subject: Re: Blinovitch et al]

Meddling Mick wrote on 8/5/00 3:58 pm:
>Re-reading 'CoaRP' reveals that Stattenheim and Waldorf, a pair of
>scientist in sixteenth century Berlin, know 'a thing or two about
>TARDIS configuration', if that's any help (p.223).

It certainly reveals that Lawrence Miles watched The Muppet Show, as well
as the Two Doctors.

Miche Doherty (> 8/5/00


[Subject: Re: Edge of Destruction/Inside the Spaceship]

"R Dan Henry" Responded to a post in which I used the
phrase "The Button Got Stuck", but neglected to include this sort of

 > W
> A
> R
> N
> I
> N
> G
> :
> S
> P
> O
> I
> L
> E
> R
> S
> A
> H
> E
> A
> D

He proceeded to give his Caps Lock, exclamation mark and asterisk keys a
damn good workout, thus:


No.  The story is thirty-five-and-a-half-years old which is *way* beyond
the spoiler scope of even the most anal purveyors of "USE ***SPOILER

It's not much of a spoiler, anyway, though that can be changed if my
ransom is not paid.  One crate of Brown Ale is my price not to reveal what
button that got stuck was used for.  To prove that I am serious, I have
removed the verb from the sentence under my custody and I am sending it
to you - "controlled".  If you don't pay up, you get the object as well.

Gareth Thomas (> 15/5/00


"TheoryDust" wrote:
> What's you(r) writing process?  Just curious.

I usually sit down and watch UNDERWORLD, PARADISE TOWERS, and The TVM.
Then I drop six hits of acid, turn on the tape recorder, settle into the
sensory deprivation tank and spend 16 hours relaxing.

Then, after a long hot bath, I listen to some of the transcripts of my
tape from the tank and begin brewing some strong coffee.

Then, as I'm hitting 24 hours without sleep, I'll re-read the
Interference books in one sitting. At this point I will begin

Then I watch the pilot episode of the program in still-frame.

Now it is time to pull out my old annuals, for that extra something.
After scouring them for under-abused ideas, I put on my Doctor Who sound
Effects cd (on repeat, of course) and stretch my fingers.

[there's nothing like the sound of a Gallifreyan staser being fired 3
times to get the old juices flowing]

After I stretch my fingers, I scour the net for nude pics of Lalla Ward
for the umpteen-millionth time.

Unfulfilled, I make a quick trip to the local convenience store for
adult magazines and spend a few minutes in the bathroom.

At this point, I pull out the ghost light cd and put the track of safari
music (from the scene where McCoy talks with RFC) on repeat, as I smoke
a joint underneath my desk.

Then I shave my body completely, coat myself in lotion, clean out my
ears, pull out my DAPOL figures, stretch my legs and then sit down in
front of the manual typewriter.

It may not be for everyone, but it seems to work for me.

TreyL (> 16/5/00


Da Cat Badge  wrote:
>>>>All the UNIT stories are set in the year they were shown. Can't see any
>>>>trouble with that...

Aidan Folkes wrote...
>>> Battlefield, broadcast 1989 (I think, if not 1988), but set in 1997!

Da Cat Badge wrote...

David Brider writes:
>Which IIRC was Peter Grimwade's attitude to the dating of Mawdryn Undead.

Was she underage, or some long lost cousin then?

Aidan Folkes (> 17/5/00


[Subject: Re: Literature in Who]

Ed Jefferson (edjefferson@aol.comiluvjam> wrote:
>William Blake is in the Pit, but he does bugger all apart from standing
>around and being miserable.

Spot on characterisation, then.

Steven Kitson (> 17/5/00


I was born a few weeks after the final episode of The Green death in 1973.
So my "Whoroscope" is that I'm on the cusp of Jo Grant, with Sarah Jane in
ascendance in the House of Pertwee.

Consequently I hate maggots, big evil corporations and anything green and
slimy. I also find that dizzy blondes are more attracted to guys they think
of as sexier versions of me, while I'm constantly on the lookout for an
intelligent brunette with whom I can have a long relationship over several
years, no matter how much I may change in that time. However, I'll have to
dump her if she ever insists on me taking her home to meet my family.

Gavin Winters 17/5/00


>You could write a novel--assuming you had the talent--showing
>the first Doctor for instance being shelfish and by the end of
>the book showing the eighth Doctor act selflessly.

The Doctor rapped impatiently on the desk with one of his large
pincers.  "My dear Sir Charles, I simply haven't the time for
this nonsense.  If you must have a name for your files I suggest
you refer to me as Doctor Langoustine, hmm?  And now before this
menace spreads I must return to the Inferno nightclub to find my
young friends."

His carapace glinted in the July sun as he strode along
Whitehall.  Dodo struggled to keep up.  "I know why you're so
keen to get back to the Inferno," she grinned.  "You want to get
back in with all the groovy celebrities again."

"Celebrities?" spluttered the Doctor.  "I'll have you know..."

"Come off it, Doc, you were all over that Jean Shrimpton last

"That was, for reasons of my own, young lady, hmm?"

(Much later...)

"Oh Fitz, I've been so unfair to you," sighed the Doctor,
picking at a salad.

"Well you have been a bit crabby lately."

"I know, and it's got to stop.  Life isn't like a grand chess
game any more, with me making the moves and you and Compassion
just prawns in the game."

"Where is Compassion anyway?"

"I don't know.  I thought I knew where she was but now I've gone
and lobster."

Orange Anubis (> 18/5/00


[Subject: New to RADW: The Naughtiness Alarm!]

Right! With the Naughtiness Alarm I've installed, we'll be fully alert
as to the puns and filthy suggestions made my RADWers. Let's test it shall

Here's what you'll here anytime a dirty remark is said or some dirty
wordplay is used.


Perfect! I'm pretty good at this, eh?


Whoops, guess I made it a little *too* sensitive.


Boy, that's loud. Getting me really uptight here!


Knock it off! That last one was a real reach!




I'll just have to take an axe to it's sensitive parts!







"OOOH....MA...TRO...MAT...M...daisy...daisy...give me your answer
d-...FZZZZZZZZT! sputter fzzzzzzzz"

So much for that idea.

The Shrike (> 22/5/00


[Subject: Re: help with books]

Dumb webtver (> asked:
>> what new books has ace been in?

Finn Clark (> wrote:
> PDA5 Illegal Alien, by Mike Tucker and Robert Perry
> PDA10 The Hollow Men, by Martin Day and Keith Topping
> PDA16 Matrix, by Mike Tucker and Robert Perry
> PDA23 Storm Harvest, by Mike Tucker and Robert Perry

> NA1 Timewyrm: Genesis, by John Peel
> NA2 Timewyrm: Exodus, by Terrance Dicks
> NA3 Timewyrm: Apocalypse, by Nigel Robinson
> NA4 Timewyrm: Revelation, by Paul Cornell
> NA5 Cat's Cradle: Time's Crucible, by Marc Platt
> NA6 Cat's Cradle: Warhead, by Andrew Cartmel
> NA7 Cat's Cradle: Witch Mark, by Andrew Hunt
> NA8 Nightshade, by Mark Gatiss
> NA9 Love and War, by Paul Cornell
> NA13 Deceit, by Peter Darvill-Evans
> NA14 Lucifer Rising, by Jim Mortimore and Andy Lane
> NA15 White Darkness, by David A. McIntee
> NA16 Shadowmind, by Christopher Bulis
> NA17 Birthright, by Nigel Robinson
> NA19 Blood Heat, by Jim Mortimore
> NA20 The Dimension Riders, by Daniel Blythe
> NA21 The Left-Handed Hummingbird, by Kate Orman
> NA22 Conundrum, by Steve Lyons
> NA23 No Future, by Paul Cornell
> NA24 Tragedy Day, by Gareth Roberts
> NA25 Legacy, by Gary Russell
> NA26 Theatre of War, by Justin Richards
> NA27 All-Consuming Fire, by Andy Lane
> NA28 Blood Harvest, by Terrance Dicks
> NA29 Strange England, by Simon Messingham
> NA30 First Frontier, by David A. McIntee
> NA31 St Anthony's Fire, by Mark Gatiss
> NA32 Falls the Shadow, by Daniel O'Mahony
> NA33 Parasite, by Jim Mortimore
> NA34 Warlock, by Andrew Cartmel
> NA35 Set Piece, by Kate Orman
> NA43 Head Games, by Steve Lyons
> NA50 Happy Endings, by Paul Cornell
> NA59 Lungbarrow, by Marc Platt

> and later this year:

> PDA33 Prime Time, by Mike Tucker
> PDA37 Independence Day, by Peter Darvill-Evans

DAMMIT Slink, STOP posting your bloody for-sale lis-

Oh, it's you Finn!  Sorry, man.

Rufus T. Firefly" (> 25/5/00


DR X (> wrote:
> Happiness Patrol sucks!!!!

Welcome to the Brookesian killfile.  Population-Slink 43809, Proglodyte,
and YOU.

Keith Brookes (> 25/5/00


Andrew J. Brook wrote:
>>>According to the Monthly Telepress, the March 2001 EDA is EarthWorld by
>>>Jacqueline Rayner

Paul Dale Smith wrote:
>>But . . . that's a woman! Surely that can't be right ;-)

Steven Kitson wrote:
>Aren't you jumping to conclusions a bit there? Perhaps it's a man using
>a woman's name to get published...

Yeah...soon to be doing the convention circuit, Jack Rayner, a 20-stone
45-year old ex-miner from Bolton, Lancashire, covered in tattoos, smokes
like a chimney, drinks like a fish, swears like a trooper, keeps trying
to cop off with Sophie Aldred at Panopticon.

David Brider (> 25/5/00


[Subject: Re: Imagine if Tom Baker had gone after Invasion of Time...]

Keith Brookes (> wrote:
> "Mommy mommy, Doctor Who got killed by some tinfoil!"

Young man, stop trotting out the "Vardans are made of tinfoil" fallacy and
try to develop some observational skills of your own.  The Vardans are
clearly (and I choose my words carefully) not made of tinfoil and anyone who
says otherwise is prey to a conspiracy whose trail leads to the highest
echelons of the foodstuffs wrappage industry.  My sources in catering inform
me that there has long men a smear campaign intended to denigrate the good
name of the Bacofoil company and perpetrated by Bacofoil's arch-rivals, the
manufacturers of what was formerly known as clingfilm and is now laughingly
packaged as "all-purpose-suitable-for-microwave-food-wrap".  The first
shit-stirring tactic was to highlight the use of tinfoil in the practice of
burning and inhaling heroin (Chasing the Dragon, as it is known) but when it
became apparent that drug-users preferred the inside of Kit-Kat wrappers for
this purpose, largely due to the lack of street-cred inherent in arriving at
a den wielding a two-foot roll of kitchen foil, there was a change of
emphasis and the accusation became that Bacofoil had perpetrated the
worst-realised Doctor Who monsters in the series' history.  You are not
alone in this - the fallacy has taken in some of the most respected Who
commentators including Howe in his Television Companion (where he lists the
story under its original title of 'Round and Round the Tardis, Like a Teddy
Bear"); but look with unblinkered eyes and you will see that the Vardans are
clingfilm and not tinfoil.  The clue to this is their transparency.  They
are clear.  They let light pass through them.  You cook your Sunday roast in
a Vardan, mate, and after half an hour you'll think you left the bag of
giblets in.

Gareth Thomas (> 25/5/00


Steven Kitson wrote:
>>Alternate histories (Germany won the war, the Roman empire never
>>fell, &c) have long been regarded as valid subjects for sf. The
>>fact that the point of divergance is much more recent shouldn't
>>make a difference.

Lance Parkin wrote
> Ah, but where do you draw the line? EastEnders isn't SF because
> it's set in a world where there's a borough of London called
> Walford and an extra stop on the Tube.

Don't forget Coronation Street (1961-?), set in a parallel world where
nobody watches Coronation Street.

Miche Doherty (> 26/5/00


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who rhyming slang]

Finn Clark (> wrote:
> For those who always knew the English were mad...
>...  what about a Doctor Who rhyming slang?

> (BTW there's a Two Ronnies sketch in which Barker and Corbett spend a few
> happy minutes thinking up Aristocratic Rhyming Slang, so my suggestion
> is not completely without precedent.)

Barker and Corbett in the Fitzroy Tavern:

RC: What time of the Barbara Wright is it, then?

RB: Only half past Terrance.

RC: I'm dead Carole Ann.

RB: Yeah. Tell you what, let's go round to my Moonbase, have a few Hand
of Fears and watch a video.

RC: That's a Warrior's Gate idea.

RB: All part of the Peter Purves. Let's see, I've got Planet of the
Nicola Bryants, The Time Kit Pedler, The Robert Slomans, The Myth Colins
or the Celestial Toytom.

RC: What, all Hartnell?

RB: Well, he's my favourite Armageddon Factor. But I've got a few Galaxy
Four. The Leisure Hive Doctors, The Power of Malcolm Kohll, The Sam
Jones of Blood, or the Jackie Lane of Morbius.

RC: Lovely. Just mind me Web a minute. I'm going to the Doctor.

RB: Eh? You Jacqueline Hill?

RC: No, no, the Doctor Who. I'm going for a Timelash.

RB: Oh. Graeme Curry up, then. I'm bursting for a Tetrap.

Miche Doherty (> 29/5/00


Alex (> wrote:
> Schoenberg?  Schoenberg??

> Am I missing something subtle? (or perfectly obvious)

TomDoc: Result of an unfortunate accident when Schrödinger and
Heisenberg fell into a particle accelerator. There might have been a cat
involved; I'm uncertain.

Sarah: Sounds nasty.

TomDoc: So does Schoenberg. Mind you, as my old friend Oscar Wilde used
to say about Wagner, his music isn't nearly as bad as it sounds.

Miche Doherty (> 29/5/00


[Subject: Re: Attack of the Cybermen -- what could have been]

William December Starr wrote:
> Er, torturing the Doctor is all well and good
> on general principles, but wouldn't they get
> more reliable data by using their brand-new
> time-travel capability and looking at the
> future themselves?

More reliable, but far less efficient.  There's a lot of future out there to

CYBERMAN #1 - Send out the time ships!
CYBERMAN #2 - Yes, my Leader.

Cyberman #2 gets into the ship and disappears.  Moments later, it returns.
pilot is now wearing a party hat, has streamers hanging from his shoulder
several laser burn marks on his leg.

CYBERMAN #1 - So what happened?
CYBERMAN #2 - Man, it was a trip.  The first few hundred years we just kept
landing in empty space.  Then after that we hit our first planet.  Like,
No one there had any useful information, but it was cool anyway.  Then we
off to this planet of the party animals.  Or was that Planet #10678362?
Whatever.  It might have been both.  That was where they had the emotion
Once in ten thousand years on we heard a rumour about the Cybermen, but the
local police were like total bread-heads and wouldn't let us use their
 And you wouldn't believe the drugs they got out there...

Finn Clark (> 30/5/00


[Subject: Re: Highlanders or Macra Terror?]

Da Cat Badge (> wrote:
> If you've already got the Macra Terror, the choice is obvious...

An immediate visit to the chemist?

Colin B (> 31/5/00


Adam Richards wrote:
>>As if there weren't enough problems with UKGold...

>>Has anyone noticed they've started showing some programmes with a
>>woman in the corner of the screen doing sign language? All well and
>>good for the deaf, but isn't this sort of thing *mega-distracting*?

Alryssa Kelly wrote:
> Grief. I thought that was why they came up with CLOSED CAPTIONING... you
> know, for deaf people to read at the bottom of the screen.

The sign language is really the final instructions for the deaf
uprising. Come new year we'll *all* be speaking in sign language.

Gareth Thomas (> 31/5/00


Charles Martin wrote:
> As for what penalties Henry might face, I have no idea, but this is going
> to be VERY EXPENSIVE for him, and if we go as far as court I will be ON
> THE WARPATH to get as much money from him as possible, and will leave NO
> stone unturned in that effort. My attorney is REALLY good at this part.

You might say, veni, vidi, vizi. :-)

Alryssa Kelly (> 31/5/00


Daniel Blythe wrote:
>> (Why did Colin Cant never direct Who? Shame!)

Daniel O'Mahony (> wrote:
>I think some of the episodes repeated in the 'Five Faces of Doctor Who'
>season back in 1981 were accidentally ascribed to him in 'Radio Times'!

So was a lot of the acting in Season 22.

Robert Smith? (> 31/5/00


[Subject: Re: OFFICIAL! Paul McGann Audio]

>>You're joking!

Sarah Hadley (> wrote:
>No, he ain't kidding. I'm glad it's out...I knew this ahead of time

Hahahaha... McGann is *ours* now. Soon, he'll be reduced to the
soul-destroying convention circuit, churning out old anecdotes. Before long,
he'll be doing a Reeltime video with Colin Baker and Sophie Aldred...

Stephen Graves (> 31/5/00


 - Robert Smith?
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