The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Aug/Sept 98

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)



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[Subject: Re: Ice Warriors Video - It's Finished!]

Simon Simmons (simon.in.brighton@mcmail.com> wrote:
>>And you know the funniest thing of all...he'll [Waxvax, that is]
>>have to wait until the end of 1999 to see it!!!

>No, no, no, he's organising a letter writing campaign, see.
(Incidentally, >he's telling everyone to write in; has he ever actually
given them an >address he wants to write to?)

Presumably, if his letter-writing skills are anything like his
Usenet-posting ones, he'll make no effort to quote any of what
the conversation is actually about, so his letters will look a bit
like this:

Dear CBS,

    Next year is not acceptable!

         Waxvax

Graham Nelson (graham@gnelson.demon.co.uk> 7/8/98

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Ray C Tate wrote:
> Big deal.  I've been pointing to the Eric
> Saward story since it contradicts Slogbarren.
> Basically, I was playing their own game,
> using their own rules.  Has it sunk in?  Noooooooooo.

"This Is The Game Of Raytate! To lose is to win, and he who wins will
always be me."

Slake (benson_paul@hotmail.com> 8/8/98

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Steve O'brien wrote:
>Anybody on here suffer from immovable plaque?

No. I have an irresistible toothbrush.

Daniel Frankham (danielf@wantree.com.au> 8/8/98

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[On the suggestion that if there were a new TV series the books would
then be aimed at a juvenile market]

>>Note to self:

>>     IF currently-running TV series
>>     THEN hit Steve Cole with big hammer.

Lance Parkin (ljparkin@aol.com> wrote:
>Note to self:

>The easiest way to take the heat off the books is to get new TV series
>made ... fans will slag that off and start referring to the Steve Cole
>Golden Age.

Note to Steve Cole:

Do not go near any construction sites or hammer-related places if you
can possibly avoid it, especially in the event of Dr.Who resuming
production. Operation Golden Age is proceeding according to our plans:
soon the copies of "The Witch Hunters" signed by William Hartnell will
return from the 1960's.

PS. Cut the *green* wire.

Slake (benson_paul@hotmail.com> 10/8/98

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>>Er... Because eventually, as the years go by, all the old writers will
>>die, and then the Beeb'll be out of luck if it hasn't found new ones in
>>the meantime.

Lance Parkin (ljparkin@aol.com> wrote:
>I'm *26* for god's sake. we're hopefully talking long term here. Unless
>there's a thinly veiled threat there.

>Shit!

>Kate, DM, they've rumbled us - we have to get out of here to thr hydrofoil!

Right, I've got the safety deposit keys, and the  passes for the numbered
Swiss bank accounts...

Keith and Gary can set the charges under the word processors - we won't
leave them any usable equipment...

David McIntee (master@sol.co.uk> 10/8/98

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[Subject: Re: About this BBC Books Policy Change]

Julian Eales wrote:
>I think what they meant was that the story would have been stronger
>being designed for a particular Doctor, rather than a generic one that
>could be used for any Doctor. It's just unfortunate that it means you
>can no longer use it...

It would be interesting to read a novel with, say, the 5th Doctor and
Peri that had originally been conceived for, say, the 4th and Leela.

"Hey, Duckter," said the Amazonian American. "You want I should slit
this guy's throat?"

"Peri, you really must stop killing people."

"Why, Duckter? He'd'a killed us, soon as look at us."

"Well..." The Doctor scratched his head. "To be honest, meta-ethics
was never my strong suit."

"Uh," said the goon breathlessly, his bald head sweating profusely
over Peri's heaving lycra-leotard-stretching bosom, as she held him in
an iron headlock, "you see, if you killed me, you'd be no better than
me. Right? So you can't."

"Oh yes, that was it", said the Doctor.

Reluctantly, she let the man go. He fell, panting, to his hands and
knees, dust mingling with his tears.

Crouching down to grin toothily into his tormented face, the Doctor
said, "Hello. Would you like some celery?"

Daniel Frankham (danielf@wantree.com.au> 12/8/98

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[Subject: FILK: The list (was Re: Other revelation query)]

Filk: "Listing Badly"
(To 'I've got a Little list", G&S's "Mikado"

As someday it may happen that an author must be found,
I've got a little list, I've got a little list
Of potentially subversive types to run into the ground,
And who never would be missed, who never would be missed.

There's the RADWer roaring constantly in petulential tone,
There's neither continuity nor canon but his own.
There's the badly-punning poster who reviles the work of Platt,
Or folk, when taking issues up, start spitting like some cat.
Then there's the Trad-er claiming vengfully that Virgin don't exist!
I think he might be pissed, I'm sure he'd not be missed.

I've got them on the list, I've got them on the list,
And they'll none of them be missed,
They'll none of them be missed.

There's nostalgia addicts riding high on Pertwee CSO
I've got *them* on the list, I've got them on the list.
And the badly spelling spammer of the pornographic show,
I don't think they'd be missed, I'm sure they'd not be missed.

There's the homophobic troller crying despite what people say,
Slyv McCoy was rubbish and that JNT was gay.
And the strangely sounding single liner wondering if he's sane,
When questioned on his argument inists he's made it "palin" (plain)
So I'll seek these folk and find 'em and I'll treat 'em like a cist,
For they'll none of 'em be missed, they'll none of 'em be missed.

Slake (benson_paul@hotmail.com> 12/8/98

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[Subject: Re: Doctor's Inability To Interfere In Earth History]

Tim Roll-Pickering wrote:
>>>What about the ship (I forget the name) in Carnival of Monsters?
>>>There, the Doctor says that it is recorded historical fact that the
>>>ship vanished, but he returns it at the end.

>>The SS Bernice, IIRC. That's always rather worried me, you know. The
>>"ship" habitat in the Miniscope is a mock-up, which means that the
>>'scope didn't actually steal the ship. It should have just been found
>>deserted.

Quences wrote:
>Trouble is, the ship itself vanishes at the end, when the Doctor returns
the
>Miniscope occupants home, not just the passengers and crew.

>I beleive it *was* the actual ship, but modified to connect to the
miniscope
> workings.

Ah, which then proceeded to sink because of all the holes now in the ship
when it was returned, which is why the ship was never found.

Yet another ship and crew lost because of the Doctor's carelessness.

Aidan Folkes (af6715@bristol.ac.uk> 13/8/98

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Skreslet wrote :
>I have always been of the opinion that sex has no place in Doctor Who
and >shoud not become a driving issue either on the screen or in the books.

I, also, am against sex in Doctor Who books. I mean, it ruins the
bindings.

Erin Tumilty (Tumilty@worldnet.att.net> 14/8/98

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[Subject: Re: BBC Books and The Past Doctor Adventures]

Fred the Eternal Snail (jgilson@saims.skidmore.edu> wrote:
>>You know, I've always wanted to stick one inbetween Logopolis and
>>Castrovalva, but something tells me Mr. Cole would say no...

_Who Watches the Watcher?_

What's it like being a space-time anomaly, a non-entity spawned of
paradox? Only the Watcher knows, and he isn't telling. A fluctuation
in the Doctor's timeline between his 4th and 5th incarnations, the
Watcher is a bubble on the quantum sea, a random flicker of temporal
energy made flesh, which will burn bright for a moment, and then
vanish, to be remembered only in the esoteric equations of some crazed
temporal theorist.

Join him in his race against time to rescue a beautiful princess from
the ashes of a world soon to be consumed by entropy; to warn his
"father" the Doctor of his impending doom; to rescue the Doctor's
companions from a dying Universe. If he helps the Doctor to elude his
terrible fate, will he himself cease to have ever existed? To have
been, or not to have been: that is the question.

And can he escape the machinations of the evil Observer -- a hideous
Thing from somewhere between the Master's final incarnation and the
jellysnake -- and the fiendish trap it has prepared in the talcum
powder factory?

Daniel Frankham (danielf@wantree.com.au> 15/8/98

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[Subject: Re: My car is a TARDIS]

Waxvax wrote:
>I have this on a bumper sticker, not actually on my car.
> ___________________________________________________________
>
>" By midnight, tonight, this planet will be pulled inside out."
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What, your car has a bumper sticker saying:
" By midnight, tonight, this planet will be pulled inside out."
What do the drivers behind you think?

Tom Winpenny (twinpny@aol.com> 15/8/98

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"Bill Boucher" a/k/a Mike a/k/a (bill.boucher@virgin.net> wrote:
>Why didn't the Doctor bone any of his companions, especially Peri ?

>From Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

     Bone \Bone\, v. t. [imp. & p. p. Boned; p. pr. & vb. n. Boning.]

     1. To withdraw bones from the flesh of, as in cookery. ``To bone
     a turkey.''  --Soyer.

     2. To put whalebone into; as, to bone stays. --Ash.

     3. To fertilize with bone.

     4. To steal; to take possession of. [Slang]

So, BillMike, the answer to your question is, Because:

1. He had no plans to either cook her or kill her in a particularly
fiendish and sadistic manner,

2. He didn't felt that she was already sufficiently stiff,

3. He neither wanted her to reproduce nor significantly enlarge, and

4. He didn't need to steal her, as he already had her.

Hope that satisfies your curiosity, BillMike.

William December Starr (wdstarr@crl.com> 15/8/98

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[Subject: Re: 'The Mary-Sue Extrusion' - Dave's New Book]

Dave Stone (dave@sgloomi.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>1) Which bits of Benny's life and history, bits we haven't seen
>overtly, would you like to see in full and glorious detail?

The point at which Benny realises that she is being posessed by
Jessica Fletcher and Miss Marple.

Richard Prekodravac (sgloomi@zip.com.au> 16/8/98

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[Subject: Re: Queer Fandom]

>>How many gay Who fans are out there?  I've heard estimates from some
>>of the voices inside my head that as many as 40-50% of Who fandom is
>>queer.

Nathan Skreslet (skreslet@erols.com> wrote:
>If that is true I find it positively frightening and it's
>something that I really didn't want to know.

Yes, Nathan, gay fans are absolutely terrifying!  The come at you with
scary sex toys that you have never seen before, and before you know it
they will have you begging them to use them on you!  They will attempt to
influence your children & other family members by demanding that gay
companions be included in DW, Trek, and books in their libraries.  They
might even WAKE YOU UP SO YOU CAN JOIN THE MAJORITY OF HUMAN SOCIETY THAT
USES LOGICAL THOUGHT AS A BASIS FOR GETTING ALONG!

So, yes Nathan, be afraid.  Be very afraid.

Derek B. Donnell (derekbd@aol.com> 16/8/98

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>>>>D'oh! He's got me there with his clever riposte. I'm hit! A
>>>>palpable hit!
>>>>I... I don't think I can go on...

>>> Aw come on, the poison doesn't act that fast!

>>Unless it's gold and you're a Cyberman

>In Elsinore?

(the Cyberleader, denied his rightful place by a rival Cyberleader, is
feeling a bit depressed>

What a piece of work is a Cyberman! How noble in logic! How excellent
in faculty! in form, in moving, how express and excellent! in action
how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the
world! the paragon of cyborgs! And yet, to me, what is this
quintessence of iron filings? Cyberman delights not me; no, nor
Cybermats neither.

[...]

What is a Cyberman, if his chief good and market of his time be but to
be frozen in ice-tombs and recharge? a robot no more. Sure they that
made us with such a large discourse, looking before and after, gave us
not that capability and god-like reason to fust in it unused.

[...]

(the Cyberleader picks up an empty Cyberhelmet>

Alas, poor Krarg. I knew him, Cyberlieutenant. A Cyberman of infinite
unemotionality, of most excellent logic. He hath borne me on his back
a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My
green goo rises at it.

Daniel Frankham (danielf@wantree.com.au> 18/8/98

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The Top Twenty Submissions Steven Cole Would Rather Not Receive:

1. I've always hated Jon Pertwee, so I thought if John Peel can retcon
away Skaro...
2. I've always thought Adolf Hitler was misunderstood...
3. I'm desperate to be published and I've always been a fan of Doctor
Why...
4. Just because you said you couldn't use the Valeyard doesn't mean it's
totally out of bounds...
5. I was thinking, how come no-one's ever explained K-9's voice changing
for season 17...?
6. I hope you like it but I've got to warn you, I won't work for
anything less than 50 grand...
7. Why should I follow *your* guidelines? Here, I've written my own...
8. It's entirely set in a small flat in Dulwich...
9. Well, I read The Pit, and I thought if *he* could get away with it...

10. It's like a Kate Orman book, except the Doctor *really* suffers...
11. Drugs are cool, right...?
12. He's got two hearts, right? So that led me to thinking of what else
he's got two of...
13. It's totally shagadelic...
14. Well, actually it's only partly about this Doctor Who guy, but
mostly it's about the alienation of an author suffering from writer's
block...
15. You say he's a pacifist? Let me tell you; *No-one's* a pacifist...
16. He goes back to the birth of Jesus, right, and discovers what
*really* happened...
17. I am confident in my ability with writing...
18. I don't like sci-fi...
19. What would happen if Gallifrey was destroyed...?
20. Well, I'm not as florid as Terrance Dicks...

Cartman (joynson@livia.demon.co.uk> 18/8/98

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Skreslet (skreslet@erols.com> wrote:
>> Not really homophobia, more like homomockery. I lived in the
>> Middle East for a number of years and their reaction to homosexuality is
>> uncontrollable laughter. They really cannot concieve of anything more
>> absurd ...

Dave Stone (dave@sgloomi.demon.co.uk> wrote:
>Ah, the perfumed mysteries of the East. So much has changed since the
>days of dear old Richard Burton and the women, boys and melons ...

Ah yes, Arabian Nights.

How come the Doctor never refers to meeting HIM?

That'd be a hell of a novel to write, wouldn't it: The Hidden Sexual
Secrets of the Time Lord.

Have the Doctor casually mentioning how he knew - and inspired - some
of the greatest producers of erotica in human history - Byron, Burton,
De Sade, Porn Caulell...

Mike Sivier (mikie@wurzzz.demon.co.uk> 19/8/98

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[Subject: Re: Top Twenty Submissions Steve Cole Doesn't Want to See]

1. Well, I really want to use this as a springboard into
writing for Star Trek: Voyager, but they won't allow
unsolicted submission. You don't know Jeri Ryan do you...?

2. What was that in the guidelines about not using the Rani?
But she gives me the fucking *horn* goddamit...

3. I refuse to devalue my ideas by writing them down. If
you've got a tape recorder ready, I'll give you it down the
phone...

4. Isn't it about time he used his superhuman strength...?

5. It's like an Eric Saward story, except *everyone's* a
galactic mercenary...

6. I'm Jeffrey Archer...

7. You've heard of William Burroughs's cut-up techniques
right...?

8. I get excited whenever someone says crossovers, so I
thought...

9. What all your authors fail to understand about the
character...

10. I'm Tom Paulin. How can you have gone so long without
mentioning the troubles in Northern Ireland...?

11. I hope you can be a bit flexible in your deadlines,
because I'm currently on 80 mescalins a day...

12. It's set in the afterlife...

13. You've got to be hip. Get with the youth of today.
Quentin Tarantino, Youth TV, that's what the kids want...

14. I'll only do it as long as I can kill off a companion. I
want my work to have an *effect* on the reader...

15. I'm only doing it for the money and the chicks...

16. Have you borrowed any ideas from Iain Banks yet, because
I've got this corker of a story featuring an advanced
utopian civilisation...

17. The entirity of Earth civilisation has been run by
aliens...

18. Two words: funky robots...

19. It's called How The Doctor Found His Groove...

20. A renegade Dalek faction try to blend in to normal Earth
society by pretending to be Pakistanis living in Catford...

Cartman (joynson@livia.demon.co.uk> 19/8/98

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Eng6gcgs (eng6gcgs@aol.com> wrote:
>And killing Davros would have saved even more lives!
>He had incapacitated Shockeye, he could have simply
>captured him and taken him back to the Androgum.

Hot Safety Tip Number 1086...

Next time you're being attacked by a mugger, psycho killer or
knife-wielding junkie, stick a butterfly net over his head.  This will
incapacitate him and render him incapable of violence, so you will be
able to perform a citizen's arrest in perfect safety.

Next week, learn how to safely handle boiling lead with only a box of
Kleenex and some Vaseline.

Finn Clark (kafenken@aol.com> 19/8/98

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[Subject: Re: POLICY CHANGE AT BBC BOOKS - another view]

Jonathan Blum (jblum@access.digex.net> wrote:
>Kate gave me a tremendous leg-up

And once he'd gotten over that, we started work on the novel.

Kate Orman (korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au> 20/8/98

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[Subject: Arthur peruses the 8 doctors...]

This book surprised me as does the window-cleaner, when one is stripped
to the altogether and enjoying a small bowl of Golden Grahams.  Flee to
whichever room you will, Sod's law will decree that he will clean that
window next; and though his manner suggests that to him the glass is not
transparent, he is not going to win an Oscar.  The Golden Grahams have
lost their allure and he *still* charges you money.  Never let's forget
that.

Dicks dicks dicks.  Subject verb object. It is with this in mind that we
enter Totter's lane, narcotics stashed like Pringles in a thick tube, and
have  it out with Viscount Vocabulary.   "Flippin' 'eck Tucker,  this
geezers gorn off with me sherbert and been busted by the dibble."  Ensign
Expletive politely turned down the invitation because he felt he would
look out of place.  Dicks dicks dicks.

Miss Jones? Pleased to meet you , would you like to step this way?
"Once-I-was-in-Totters-lane-when-a-man-came-out-of-a-blue-box-and-said-it-
was-bigger-on-the-inside-and-would-I-like-to-see-some-puppies-and-I-said-no-
then-when-I-got-home-I-told-my-mummy-and-she-was-very-pleased-and-I-got-an-
apple-as-a-reward."

Oi Mate! Yes you mate! Withnails's mate mate!  Go an' see Sly, tell him I
sent yer, 'e'll get yer mind back for yer.  Nah!  Yer don't need to see
anyone else, Sly's the man! He knows everything.  Nah, I mean it - it's a
waste of time. YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THEM OTHER GEEZERS.  Oh, well, have
it your own way.  I don't know why I bother sometimes.

The thing about old people is, they think they own it all, don't they.  It's
quite all right for them to push in the bus queue, because they're *old* and
they don't even need to show the photo part of their pass, because they're
*old* , they just wave it about a bit in front of the driver's head.  And
have you ever seen an old person when he's got a dying caveman on his
hands. Ha Ha Za.  Think they've got the power of life and death, these old
people do.

Mind, you can't keep running for ever, can you?  Some day you've got to
face up to your responsibilities, and that day might as well be this day,
so stick that recorder where the Sun don't shine, adjacently to the early
model sonic screwdriver, and send that signal to your masters.  You'll be
glad you did.

Jo is correct. He is  decidedly dishy. No question.  Mind, there are
dishes and dishes. When myself and Mrs. Banana take to the open country
we always use a dried cow-pat as a dish.  Not for us the soul -destroying
accoutrements of Urban existence.

Vampires are no more than the mythology of the common Bailiff.  For they
both need permission to enter your abode, but then they bleed you dry.
Don't state the obvious Dicks.

That much I enjoyed, but from now the route is downhill. And the bogey
has a loose axle.

Everyone knows that Sontarans and Raston robots don't mix.  I mean, are
they ever invited, at the same time, to one of the Queen's garden
parties?  You know fine well they aren't. So why use them as a
deus-ex-machina plot device? Eh? Eh? Answer me that one smarty-pants?
Scarcely credible is it?  Might as well have some bloke in tights swing
down on a chandelier and whisk them away.  And a time-scoop is like an
ice-cream scoop in every respect.  You try to use it when the Raspberry
Ripple's too hard and it's going to bend, big time.

Alternate time-lines are for cowards and poltroons, Sir. If Colin wants
to make Valeyard/shipyard/scrapyard/knacker's yard jokes he can do it
right here. We'll tell him if he's funny or not.  To go swanning off to a
parallel dimension is the act of a rogue and a knave.

Like I said. Like. I. Said. *Sly's yer man* He'll tell yer what yer need to
know. You could have saved yourself a lot of time and effort if you'd
just done what I told you in the first place. But you thought you knew it
all when you really knew naarthing.

The window cleaner is two doors down the road. I am dressed in a simple
sarong. I eat the final Golden Graham, sucking instead of chewing, to
savour its goodness. The milk left in the bowl is as golden as the
cereal, and has taken on a malty sweetness.  I do not drink that, but
transfer it to a bottle set aside for that purpose and, after a week,
three-quarters full.  It will make a fine treat for the children's packed
lunches.

The eight doctors has been read. I am the same man as I was before.

Save us our time and money, Dicks.

Arthur Banana (artbanana@aol.com> 20/8/98

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[On the subject of those fans without CD players buying The Ice Warriors]

Tim Roll-Pickering wrote:
>Well that is strictly legal. My 'criticism' is that there are a lot of
>fans who will be paying 24.99 like the rest of us in November (apart
>from the decent (100%of all minus 1 ) fans in the USA), but will be
>deriving less for their 24.99 than the rest due to a part of the
>package being useless for them, since there will only be one standard
>release.

Hear hear! I've written many long letters to BBC Worldwide, demanding
alternative releases for those of us without VCRs. Why should we have
to pay for that big black plastic rectangle when we can't use it?

Daniel Frankham (danielf@wantree.com.au> 22/8/98

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[Subject: Crap Joke]

Q. Why did the Doctor shoot Kamelion?
A. He had Grimwade's Syndrome.

Thank you.

Cartman (joynson@livia.demon.co.uk> 23/8/98

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[Subject: Re: ? Comments: Doctor Who Magazine #268]

I was particularly delighted that they'd managed to
retcon a design feature of the Threshold (that is to
say, their amazing similarity to a sheet of Letraset)
as a fission reaction from a single spot.

Next issue: it is revealed that the TARDIS gives the
companions a psychic insight into anyone speaking
or thinking, so that their words appear in little
bubbles above their heads.

Peter Anghelides (peter-anghelides@mcmail.com> 23/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Mystery Science Theatre 3000 does Doctor Who]

1. The Web Planet
   Mike: I dunno about you guys but there's something about this story
         that kinda BUGS me.
   TomS: Mike, Mike, Mike, this is a simple tale of mankinds struggle
         to overcome oppression and racist political policies told
         through the perspective of wood lice.

2. The Gunfighters
   If this doesn't drive them crazy I don't know what will
   CROW: AHHH!!!  It's that SONG!! NO!!  PAIN!! STOP THE PAIN!!

3. The Dominators
   Mike: When Shoulder Pads Ruled the World!

Charles Daniels (cdaniels@calweb.com> 24/8/98

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[Subject: Re: The Doctor's Bedroom?]

>If he did have a bedroom, it was never shown in the TV series.
>I'm glad it wasn't.  It helps to keep him mysterious.

I guess it would kinda kill the mystery to see the Doctor's bedroom with
Pamela Anderson posters tacked up all over the place.

Rob Claffie (tardis66@aol.com> 24/8/98

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[Subject: Arthur peruses Vampire Science]

I read this book in the manner that it was meant to be read: first
extracting the leaf containing pages 104 -105, placing it twixt the
cheeks of my posterior and dancing a jitterbug; thus relieving a certain
chafing and burning off 200 calories.  I have to tell you now, I couldn't
help but love it - the book, the posterior, the dance, the lot - but I
was as surprised by this as it is possible to be surprised, once the
window cleaner's ladder  has disappeared from outside the bathroom.

You see, one needs the right sort of name to write a vampire book; a name
that conveys a degree of sinister authority.  In the same manner that a
man called Mr. Wanksalot would be ill advised to join the teaching
profession, a writer with a mundane name should never attempt to create a
vampire novel.  The name has got to *sound* right.  Bram Stoker -
*that's* a good name.  Sheridan Le Fanu - *that's* an excellent name.

Jonathan Blum and Kate Orman are names that, on the face of it, lack that
vampiric authority.  They are names that one would expect to find on a
book about home winemaking, one whose cover shows a half-glass each of
red and white, a strawberry or two and a merrily bubbling demijohn. I
cannot believe that they were unaware of this chasm of credibility before
setting out on the book.  The fact that they effortlessly jump the chasm
and land three feet clear on the other side with no damage done save a
slight redness to the elbow is to their tremendous credit.

That is but challenge number one.

Two is bigger.  Step this way Miss Jones. "Once-I-was-out-in-San
Fransisco-when-a-man-came-out-of-a-blue-box-and-said-it-was-bigger-on-the-
inside-and-would-I-like-to-see-some-puppies-and-I-said-yes-then-he-took-me-
inside-and-showed-me-how-his-column-went-up-and-down."  Miss Jones is an
annoyance, no mistake. Responsibility here does not lie with the
home-winemakers but with the master in charge of standardization who has
the Old English word for "cabbage" for a name.  Miss Jones should be
shown the door. And if she finds the broom closet my mistake just lock her
in - let her feast on Mr. Sheen.  Miss Jones is an *immense* annoyance.
She is the kind of person who will try the toilet door, and if it is
locked she will ask the unanswerable question  "How long are you going to
be?"  When McGoohan faced the General and asked it an unanswerable
question he opted for "Why?" A good choice. He might as well have asked,
had he caught the General on the toilet, or the computer equivalent
thereof, "How long are you going to be?" The General would still have
blown itself up.

So we have this situation: a vampire book written by home winemakers that
involves a girl who asks how long you're going to be on the toilet.
Chasm Credibility expands by a yard or so.  And Doctor Identikit hasn't
even had a look-in. You know, Doctor Identikit: take William's chin,
Patrick's ears, Jon's nose, Tom's sideburns, Peter's celery, Colin's
paunch, Sly's umbrella and Withnail's mate's lack of name or identity,
paste them together in a recognisable form and show it to the public.
"Do you recognise this man?"

Recap.  Home winemakers.  "How long are you going to be?"  Doctor
Identikit. Vampires.  Chasm.

"Oi, Chasm Analogy. Sod off - you're beginning to get on my wick."
Introducing Bloody Big Mountain Analogy.   For the amateur viticulturists
have set themselves the K2 of SciFi/TV Tie-in novelisation to scale.  Not
Everest, there will be yet bigger challenges, but a bloody big mountain
nonetheless.  They reach the summit with aplomb, for they have packed
some useful equipment. Their Oxygen-tank is Carolyn, a woman who would
never in a million years ask how long you are going to be, and should
have accompanied Doctor Identikit as a permanent fixture.  Their warm
winter clothing is Kramer.  Courteney was ok for his time, but at last,
with Kramer we have a UNIT commander with *balls*. For a sturdy
two-person tent that doesn't let the rain in they use an oh-so-human
vampire community with its boring old farts, wise elder sages and teenage
rebels all present and correct.  For the expert guidance of
Mountaineer/Bellowing Thespian Brian Blessed, they employ a deft use of
language. Sentences are mini-dramas in themselves.  Strong subjects
bludgeon weak objects with a select verb, sewers are awash with the blood
of unnecessary qualifiers, accepted use of grammar is courted or spurned
as occasion demands, the active verb kicks the passive verb soundly in
the knackers.

Triumph.  The home winemakers achieve the summit in the face of massive
odds. They look out at the vista of  DW novelisation.  At the base of the
mountain, Dicks and Peel comfort each other as best they can.  They have
taken two steps up the mountain, and slipped back on their arses.  Dicks
has lost his mountaineering equipment.  Peel didn't even bring any with him.

The book has been read and I am a changed man.  I am the man who is Woody
Allen's best mate in several of his earlier, funnier films.  I have
fabulous curly hair, and a cool manner.  I am having regular sex with
Diane Keaton as she was in the seventies.  For that, home winemakers,
much thanks.

Arthur Banana (artbanana@aol.com> 24/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

"The Discontinuity Guide"
1 volume
Writers: Paul Cornell, Martin Day, Keith Topping
Publisher: Presumably Virgin, although my copy is anonymous
and doesn't carry an imprint, a copyright date or any assertion
of moral rights

Roots: The Boy's Own Big Book of Facts 1923; the television
programme Doctor Who (numerous references); Halliwell's

Fluffs: There's no index and not much of a contents page.

Goofs: The painting on the cover is of a 3-by-3 sliding block
puzzle of the TARDIS flying through space, shown in an unsolved
state. As any passing Adric could tell you, such a position is
possible if and only if it is an even permutation of the correct
state. However, the position painted is evidently a product of
5 block transpositions and therefore an odd permutation: so the
position cannot have been legally reached.

Technobabble: Frequent references to "CSO" and "design".

Critical Triumphs: "The Mutants can be summed up by the fact
that Geoffrey Palmer is the best thing in it, and he dies before
the end of episode one."  "The Daleks seem to want to do
everything at once..." [Resurrection of the Daleks]

Critical Disasters: "Has there ever been a better scene in
Doctor Who than the reflective 'So free will is not an illusion
after all' moment?" [of Inferno]; "Confident, slick and hugely
enjoyable from beginning to end..." [Delta and the Bannermen]

The Bottom Line: "Sometimes continuity has to be beaten into
place with a sledgehammer."  Can be summed up by the fact that
Terrance Dicks is the best thing in it, and he stops writing
before the end of page one... no, no, not really.  It's an
indispensable volume and shall we ever see a second edition?

Graham Nelson 25/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

ljparkin@aol.com (L J Parkin) wrote:
>>'The Infinity Doctors' is a story, 'Chapter 1: Night Beneath the Dome'
>>isn't.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote:
>>We really need to start a discussion about first paragraphs so he'll give
>>us a bit of that.

Lance Parkin (ljparkin@aol.com> wrote:
>>Well, I always try to start with an arresting image, some nice visual
>>hook that begins to set up the imagery of the rest of the book,
[...]
>>and 'The Infinity Doctors' sets up a number of key images and themes:

>>'Each of the snowflakes melted as it batted into the thick walls of the
>>Citadel, but still they came like an invading army.'

>>Aah, Smith has tricked me! Withdraw, withdraw!

nrs@smale.demon.co.uk (Nick Smale) wrote:
>Keep going Robert! At this rate, we'll have the whole novel by, oooh,
>November...

(some weeks later>

I'm finding writing the second quartile of chapter seven of my book very
difficult. That's a part of a novel that I always found Lance Parkin
could do
very well, as in Just War, Cold Fusion, The Dying Days and Beige Planet
Mars.
Are there any other examples? Lance?

Henry Potts (h.potts@icrf.icnet.uk> 26/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Henry Potts (h.potts@icrf.icnet.uk> wrote:
>I'm finding writing the second quartile of chapter seven of my book

It'll take me until November to work out which bit of chapter seven is
the second quartile. Bloody statisticians. Hang on ...

"There were vast insects, bizarre mechanisms, even purely abstract
shapes. Some were more human: angular-faced women in golden cloaks; a
blue-skinned figure in an immaculate business suit; a man with a single
bionic eye."

I hope that helps you sort out chapter seven of your submission. Be
warned, though, that Steve no longer accepts books with chapter
sevens, they have to jump from chapter six to chapter eight.

Lance (ljparkin@aol.com> 26/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lance Parkin (ljparkin@aol.com> wrote:
>I hope that helps you sort out chapter seven of your submission. Be
>warned, though, that Steve no longer accepts books with chapter
>sevens, they have to jump from chapter six to chapter eight.

The bastard!

I had Chapter seven all worked out and sitting in my computer, ready to
post at a moment's notice. I think Steve is just trying to screw poor fans
like myself, who have chapter 7 all ready to go and have done for five
years now. I've read every chapter 7 ever published and quite frankly,
they all stink. And no, before you ask, I can't renumber it to be Chapter
8. I don't want to give away too much in case someone steals my idea that
I've had since 1983, but it absolutely, positively depends on Chapter 7
being Chapter 7 (you'll understand what I mean when you read the bit
where the Valeyard has to kill all those Daleks).

I can't help but feel Steve has somehow betrayed us all. How long, I
wonder, before Chapters one through six are out of bounds as well? I know
he says it's only chapter 7, but I think this IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE ALL
AFRAID OF. And if Steve Cole were Buddha, do you think he'd be removing
Chapter 7? I don't think so and neither do you.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca> 27/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Doctor Who: the Musical]

Well, you may want to debate whether the comic strip,
or the novels, or the TVM, or the stage play, or
the Weetabix packets are canon. But now I offer you
"Doctor Who: the Musical". Here's the first big
number (sung by the Brigadier to the tune of
"These foolish things").

These UNIT Things
-----------------
A frilly shirt inside a velvet jacket.
The Time Lords' secret code - but you can't crack it.
"Haroon! Haroon!" he sings.
These UNIT things remind me of you.

A cleaning lady makes a strange impression.
Reverse polarity's your best expression.
Jo's fingers crammed with rings.
These UNIT things remind me of you.

   You fell to Earth, were found by me.
   When you said yeth to me
   I knew you must be Jon Pertwee.

A lady PM (though she's not a Tory).
Katy's short-sightedness, the eyepatch story.
K'Anpo recites I-Ching.
These UNIT things remind me of you.

The K-1 robot has a huge expansion.
A bit of gardening in Chase's mansion.
Pigbin Josh furtwangling.
These UNIT things remind me of you.

Morgaine and Ancelyn in silver armour.
Jo's quite a dolly, but the troops won't charm her.
That webby stuff that clings.
These UNIT things remind me of you.

A date with Doris is the main attraction.
Eight-legged Boris sees Mike Yates in action.
Peladon queens and kings.
These UNIT things remind me of you.

   How strange, you changed, I knew you still.
   You must think me a fool
   To try to teach maths at that school.

The sight of test tubes on an old Lab table.
And strangulation with a long phone cable.
Shooting at chaps with wings.
These UNIT things remind me of you.
These Whoish things remind me of U... NIT.

(Audience applauds wildly, throwing money
 and flowers onto the stage>

Peter Anghelides (peter-anghelides@mcmail.com> 27/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dave Becker (zenorak@hotmail.com> wrote:
>>>Unlike Sleepy and Vampire science, 'The Pit' is canon. A reference
>>>was made to it in The Sontaran Experiment.

Paul Andinach wrote:
>>Funny, I'm sure I'd have noticed if The Sontaran Experiment had
>>successfully predicted a story that wouldn't be written for twenty
>>years...

Dave Becker (zenorak@hotmail.com> wrote:
>>Go back and watch it. They even mention the sonic screwdriver turning
>>up.

Indeed, The Pit even appears on-screen in "Sontaran Experiment", and the
fact that they're referring to the book is made clear by the way the Doctor
says that only an idiot like Harry would blunder into it.  But in fact,
Penswick's masterpiece was canon even before then -- there are references
to it in "The Green Death", in which pretty much anyone who ventures into
the Pit ends up in tortured agony after coming into contact with the
sludge contained therein.  The thought of him and his TARDIS ending up in
the Pit also leaves the Doctor distressed around the cliffhanger to "Mark
of the Rani", and this story displays an even clearer piece of
foreshadowing when the Pit collapses spectacularly at the end.

But I think this subject's pretty much mined out...

Jon Blum (jblum@access.digex.net> 27/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Re: "Television Companion" advance review at the DWRG page]

Terry (tskirko@nortel.com> wrote:
>I hate Java!

Some of the residents of Gabriel Chase weren't that keen either.

Marcus Durham (Marcus@zenn.demon.co.uk> 28/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Lonesone Examination Blues.

Or

Lines written by the poet as he pines for the company of Commander Linx
on the eve of his final examinations.

(1)

Aah've got an exam tomorrow,
But mah Linxy's by mah side,
An' he's taken away all mah sorrow,
'Cos it's a love that we can't hide.

We're doing revision together -
Yeah, we're reading through all our set texts,
My love for Linx will last forever,
Despite his Sontaran defects.

We'll sit side by side in the exam hall,
An' play footsie durin' the test,
Aa'll think of mah Linxy at nightfall,
An' imagin' him gettin' undressed.

(2)

We'll skip to the board with the results on it,
Our high grades will make Linx and me fonder.
And once Aa've refurbished the bonnet,
Aah'l give Linxy a ride in mah Honda.

Aah'l drive him to mine for some kippers,
Then aah'l play him a tune on mah tuba,
Aah'l put on mah wet-suit an' flippers,
An' aah'l take him upstairs for some scuba.

An' our passions will quite overcome us,
Until all our emotions are spent.
Aah'l smother his helmet with humous,
An' he'll tickle mah feet with his vent.

(3)

But it's all in mah imagination,
'Cos aah'm sittin' alone with mah work.
Aah'm gonna fail mah examination
An' ah feel like an absolute berk.

Arthur Banana (artbanana@aol.com> 28/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ten signs that you've been on RADW too long...

1. You look in the Radio Times, see John Peel's name and
immediately think of Daleks being retconned...
2. You write thousands of words in defence of a book you had
previously adjudged to be 'alright, I s'pose'.
3. You feel Waxvax is getting at you personally.
4. You moan about someone being too vociferous and then get
disappointed when the next day's turnover doesn't reach 200
messages.
5. You can't help but think of Azaxyr as an eight-foot tall,
cold blooded Ice Warrior, rather than the living embodiment
of the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons that he probably
most resembles.
6. You find yourself in conversations with friends dominated
by internal thoughts along the lines of: "*That's* something
I can use against that smug git Ray".
7. You *really* can't wait for The Infinity Doctors.
8. You find yourself coming over all Marcus when someone
posts a binary.
9. You *really* can't wait for the next wacky survey.
10. You spend hours thinking up new top ten lists to
entertain everyone.

Cartman (joynson@livia.demon.co.uk> 29/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Benjamin F. Elliott (bfelliott@jnpcs.com> wrote:
>Imagine you're a movie producer, and you're making a movie based on
>this newsgroup. Who do you cast in which roles? What's the plot?

"Beavis and Butthead Do Doctor Who"
Two badly-animated adolescents watch Seasons 24-26 while scratching
themselves and making rude noises. Starring Mike Judge as the voices
of Henry Vizi and John Long ("Pertwee could kick McCoy's ass." "Yeah,
what a wuss!").

"Year of Hell"
David A. McIntee (Quentin Tarantino) faces his worst nightmares. The
Master (Eric Roberts) has hypnotized him and he finds himself unable
to plug a book in any of his posts. At the same time, he is being
tormented by another member of the newsgroup with a hidden agenda.
Special appearance by Michael Plain as Waxvax.

"The Reconstruction of Falling Stars"
Steve Roberts (Jason Connery) works on a series of important projects
which American fans aren't allowed to see until hell freezes over.

"Armaggeddon Out of Here"
The continued existence of the world hinges on deciphering a clue
hidden in a post written by Dave Yadalee (Bruce Willis).

"Murder on the Lungbarrow Express"
Ray C. Tate (Michael Richards) is crushed to death by a falling loom.
Several of the Virgin and BBC writers are prime suspects, but
eventually Jon Blum (Jason Alexander) discovers that everybody on the
newsgroup did it.

"Where's Saulchurch?"
A long-absent regular (Richard Griffiths) returns to the newsgroup and
finds that many of the people he remembers have mysteriously vanished.
Adding to the mystery is the fact that Charles Daniels (Chris Barrie)
seems to have taken the group over for his own sinister reasons.
Featuring Lisa Bowerman as Nyctolops and David Hyde-Pierce as Ben
Varkentine.

"Who's Doctor Who?"
In this sequel to "Where's Saulchurch?" Richard Griffiths returns as
Allen Robinson, a man who is ruthlessly determined to plug his new
biography of The Doctor at
http://www.dwebs.net/~allenrob/whoshome.html no matter what the cost.

Allen Robinson (allenr@mail.enterprise1701.com> 29/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Re: Infinity Doctors synopsis please]

OK, you *claim* that this thing's a hypno-ring, but I bet it doesn't
work. What, just point it at some passing radwer and press that
button? Like this? Point it at Finn and press the button. OK ...

So if Jenna Mead said,

>> Or you can just accept that this is (presumably)
>>the most anticipated Doctor Who book to be released this
>>year and take that on faith as all you really need to know.

Finn would say it's ...

>The most anticipated Who book this year?  Hell, it's the most
>anticipated Who book ever (including So Vile A Sin).  I've already
>primed my non-Who reading friends to go out and buy it or else.  It's
>the anniversary book, it's getting an extra colour on the cover, with a
>bit of luck it might even get a publicity push...  It's the BBC Books'
>second mini-relaunch, if you like.  They tried once with Terrance Dicks
>and now they're having a second go with Lance Parkin.

>Good move, I say.  With a bit of luck and some good advance word, this
>might be where we get a whole lot of new blood reading Doctor Who >books.

>Tell your friends.  All of them.

>Finn Clark.

I'll take a box of those hypno-rings, please.

Lance Parkin (ljparkin@aol.com> 31/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon Simmons writes:
>We see Bruce deep throat the Master's snake (I really wish
>I hadn't typed that). We see the snake slide down his throat.

So the possible titles so far...

1 - Doctor Who: The Movie
2 - The Enemy Within
3 - TVM
4 - Hot and Gay on Gallifrey

Number four is currently in the lead...

Finn Clark (kafenken@aol.com> 31/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Arthur peruses The Hollow Men]

It has been said that if a thousand monkeys are put in a room with a
thousand typewriters they will eventually come up with the works of
Shakespeare.  If we accept the logic of this, and I think we must, we
must also accept that, prior to completing the works of Shakespeare the
monkeys will also have written the Hollow Men by Keith Topping and Martin
Day.  The question is  - how prior?  Put it this way: if we take the
pinnacle of artistic achievement to be King Lear and the nadir to be
Jeffrey Archer's Kane and Abel we must assume that the monkeys will begin
with Archer's book and continue to work their way through every novel,
poem and play ever written (and any number of their own original
compositions) until ultimately producing King Lear.  Of course, if they
happen to be *cheeky* monkeys they will append "by Francis Bacon" onto
the title page of King Lear, and we are back to where we started.  The
question is - where in this Kane and Abel-King Lear gradation does The
Hollow Men belong? Is it closer to Archer's formulaic shite or to the
Bard's superlative tragedy of one man's betrayal and madness?

Although I am not inclined to leave the answer to mere speculation, I do
not have a thousand monkeys and a thousand typewriters in a room to try
it out with scientific exactitude.  In fact I only have seven monkeys and
I have had to put three in the spare bedroom and four in the loft
conversion.  On the plus side, they are equipped with proper
word-processing facilities.  These are admittedly 386s, Amstrads and the
like - not much use for cutting-edge gameplaying but perfectly suitable
for typing-monkeys.  I have to acknowledge that progress has been slow.
The monkeys have been reluctant to type anything at all; they are more
inclined to swing from the light fittings than to press buttons on the
keyboards.  In fact, save for an early draft of Legacy of the Daleks,
they have not written anything even legible.  I will have to speculate
after all.

I *loved* this book. I began to read it in the bath straight after lunch and
the next time I looked up I had finished the book, it was dark outside, the
water was cold, the Badidas bubbles had disappeared and my digits turned
into prunes of assorted sizes. I laughed 17 times, shuddered 28 times and
wept twice.  At one point I jumped out of my skin.  However this was not
due to the book but to a dangleberry that had appeared from beneath the
cold tap and was drifting on a water-eddy toward my stomach.  It must
have come off one of the monkeys - they are only supposed to take
showers, but who knows what they get up to when Mrs. Banana and I are out.

How can I express how much I loved this book?  Well, I will momentarily
forget the monkeys and take Cartman's advice to put it in the curry.  I
will compare it to the food of the Indian Sub-Continent. An analogy
within an analogy, if you will.

If Kane and Abel is a Vesta Prawn Curry (and a single portion one at
that) and King Lear is an authentic Vindaloo, cooked by Goans in their
own home, then The Hollow Men is a high class Rogan Gosht, served up in
one of Birmingham's finer Balti Houses, wherein Topping and Day are the
chefs. For a tasty onion/ginger/garlic base the chefs employ a standard
horror genre.  This is in the best DW tradition; Hinchcliffe did exactly
the same, and it is not to be scoffed at.  The prime influences are worn
for all to see like labels on the chefs' aprons. "It's much too dangerous
to jump through the fire with your clothes on." is displayed alongside
"squeal like a pig." The kitchen radio plays "Sumer is icomen in" and
"dueling banjos" in a continuous loop.  From this base the chefs cook up
their own characteristic gravy.  A dark sauce of a narrative that
incorporates Judge Jeffries, an ill-feted vicar, racists and bigots,
high-ranking conspirators, public school brutality, rural superstition,
corpses resurrected into walking, stalking scarecrows and an underlying
evil presence of alien origin.

Where the chefs really excel is in their selection of fried spices and garam
masalas that give the curry its distinctive appeal. These are the
characters of the story.  No zebra-crossing characterisation is
employed.  We are not talking baddies in black hats versus goodies in
white hats.  Exemplary in this respect is Shanks, who knows his Elgar and
could have been an accomplished French Hornist or bassoonist had things
gone his way but he was bullied at school and so he's a bastard, pure and
simple.  Nothing he could do about it.  Tragic.

SlyDoc is portrayed at a transitional point between his daft little tosser
phase and his manipulative treacherous end-justifies-the-means little
tosser phase.  The chefs achieve this flavour with consummate skill.  Ace
is a pain in the arse as always, but then so is a successful curry.  In
their wisdom the chefs have even allowed for the morning-after
ring-burn.  Why Ace is so popular with fans when she holds the same
narrative function as Scrappy Doo is beyond me.
Cummonunclescoobylemmeatempuppypower. Everyone hated Scrappy Doo yet
everyone loves Ace. It is a paradox of consumer taste.  No matter;  the
chefs' handling of this irritant spice is exquisite.

However, Indian food is one thing and monkeys are another (I will
discount Monkey Curry which although theoretically possible is, I have it
on good authority, impractical, because it is too tricky to feed the
spices through the hole drilled in the skull.)  Where, then, does the
Hollow Men lie on the Kane and Abel-King Lear scale.  I'll tell you where
- comfortably in the central zone wherein literary theorists argue over
the dividing line between popular fiction and literature.  In this zone
can be found such diverse talents as Graham Greene, John Wyndham and Iris
Murdoch.  Some say that Martin Amis belongs here too. I do not, on the
grounds that he is a jerk.

The book has been read and I am a changed man.  I am Children's'
entertainer Geoffrey Hayes.  The apex of my critical acclaim is a distant
memory, but it is a *good* memory.

My gratitude goes to Messrs. Topping and Day, curry chefs extraordinaire.

Arthur Banana (artbanana@aol.com> 31/8/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Re: Sexiest Ever DW Scene]

Dan (35EB7339.6EEB@wavetech.net> wrote:
>>>Definately the bikini scenes. Turlough carrying Peri, Peri sitting up in
>>>bed. Peri. Yes. Peri. Definately Peri. I like Peri.

Alexander Davie (adavie@sas.upenn.edu> wrote:
>>I would agree. I also have to say one scene that is overated as sexy is
>>the famous Nyssa dropping her skirt in Terminus scene.

Charles Daniels wrote:
>yeah indeed that is rather scary because she drops her shirt and you
>STILL have no better idea what she looks like naked.

I sometimes imagine that nudists would enjoy DW. I mean, being a naturist
must really change your perspective on clothing, and DW has had some
great costume designs. Time Lord ceremonial wardrobe is perfect for a
cult, I'm sure someone probably gets excited over Colin's virtual
mating-display of color, and then there's Nyssa...
        A naturist's idea of sexiest companion? Forget cleavage. It's
probanly gorgeous Sarah Sutton dressed toe-to-throat as Glynda, the Good
Witch of  Traken. "Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh! You have landed your TARDIS on
the Melkur, and now he is dead. Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!"

(bbsyrunc@pop3.concentric.net> 2/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Mariane Desautels wrote:
>ObWho, at last: can you imagine an oppressed class so loathsome that the
>Doctor would _not_ try to defend it from abuse?

rec.arts.drwho?

Siobahn Morgan (morgans@uni.edu> 4/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Daniel Frankham (danielf@wantree.com.au> wrote:
>It's just part of the whole "pro fantasy" thing I guess... The sheer
>pleasure of thinking "What would I do if I was a Doctor Who
>professional?" Like trying to work out what a new producer of a
>show/movie should do; writing scripts which show what you think a new
>movie-length pilot should be like; composing good incidental music for
>the Pertwee episodes; writing synopses for upcoming novels about which
>one knows nothing, and so on...

The Substandard Vampire Project

"By midnight tonight this planet will have revolved a little on its axis!"

San Francisco is overrun with Vampires once again. But this time the
Doctor's plane ticket could only get him as far as Colorado. While Sam
rushes of to create an artifical sequence of climaxes at three equal
intervals, the Doctor isn't sure whether the Colorado cows have something
to hide or not.

Just why do the cows refuse to come out for milking during daylight? How
can the post office lady be involved when Wednesday's her day off? And
what is the terrible secret going round a small group of children, known
only as "Chinese whispers"?

The Substandard Vampire Project is another adventure featuring the eighth
Doctor as portrayed by a combination of Tom Baker, Jon Pertwee and Joe
McGann and sadly Sam's still in it as well.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca> 4/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Re: tHE oTHER sURVEY]

>13. What's your favourite superstition?

That if I keep sending bits of paper to Mr Cole he'll eventually send
me a cheque and ask for more bits of paper with words on them...

Helen Fayle (hfayle@innotts.co.uk> 5/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Re: The WACKY SEPTEMBER SURVEY, in all its blistering glory.]

>2) You know nothing about Doctor Who. The existence of such a beast
>as either reality or fiction is entirely unknown to you. Then one
>day you step onto a small train running between, say, Bristol
>Parkway and Bristol Temple Meads. In your carriege all the various
>incarnations of the Doctor are sitting. What's your *very* *first*
>reaction ?

"What the HELL am I doing on a train running between Bristol Parkway
and Bristol Temple Meads?"

William December Starr (wdstarr@crl.com> 5/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Re: Doubts about Lungbarrow]

Cartman (joynson@livia.demon.co.uk>
>>Fresh from having perused RJ Smith's Friendly Guide To Newbies.

>>Yes, Ray, I hear what you're saying and I respect your viewpoint
>>even if I don't agree with it.

Rayctate wrote:
>Cartman, your respect of my opinion validates my existence as a
>human being. I am confused that you do not agree with my opinion,
>but confusion is good because it promotes debate and ultimately
>understanding.

I hear your confusion and am feeling a lot of shame right now. I can
see that I'm just a passive/aggressive co-culprit who selfishly
refuses to enable your life script. I feel I am heading for a shame
spiral, yet I still have tendencies towards tolerance and compassion
because you have validated my speech/text transferral by
understanding that understanding can be understood.

Cartman (joynson@livia.demon.co.uk> 5/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

h.potts@icrf.icnet.uk wrote:
>Who constitutes this "other audiences"? General SF fans? But the Who
>books already sell better than the average general SF title. Old TV
>fans? But the books already sell better than the videos. Mills & Boon
>readers?

"But why, Turlough," whispered Tegan, her voice a husky shadow of its
usual strident drawl.  "Doesn't our night together on the Eye of Orion
mean *anything* to you?"

"You mustn't think of it any more," he said, turning his lean face
away to avoid betraying the emotions that he was trying to hide. "The
Myrka is the one for me now. She sparks off feelings in me that I can
hardly describe. It's like we're... electric together."

Mike Sivier (mikie@wurzzz.demon.co.uk> 7/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon Brown wrote:
>>Hey, hang about....did they ever explain how WOTAN knew what TARDIS
>>meant???

Corey Klemow (CKlemow@compuserve.com> wrote:
>Well, according to the novelization of THE WAR MACHINES, the WOTAN
>project was spearheaded by one Ian Chesterton... !

Good old Ian, why to have Wotan ready in 1966 he must have taken the bus
in the CHase directly to a computer research centre and said
"Look,  when I was on the planet Marinus I stole these complex computer
blue prints and specs....build this!"

Charles Daniels (cdaniels@calweb.com> 7/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Benjamin F. Elliott (bfelliott@jnpcs.com> wrote:
>Imagine Doctor Who books focusing on a solo character ala the Sarek,
>Spock, and Seven Of Nine books.

>ADRIC - by Matthew Waterhouse and Marc Platt

[ *snip* ]

>The survivor is awake by the 3rd day. To Rassilon's astonishment,
>most of the skin has already repaired itself. This is surely a
>remarkable creature, even if his conversational style makes him seem
>like a git. Unfortunately, the man has no memory. Rassilon calls him
>an "Other". The name will stick.

...And _that's_ when I shot him, Your Honor.  :-)

William December Starr (wdstarr@crl.com> 8/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>>The name of his deadliest enemy has earned a place in
>>the dictionary as a byword for ruthless tyranny.

Terry wrote:
>What word is it and what dictionary is it in?

It's one of the aliens that Terry Nation invented early
in the show's history, a sneaky and manipulative bunch
who you never know will turn up unexpectedly. They are
of course the Visians. I looked them up in my dictionary,
but couldn't actually see an entry for them. Hope this
helps.

Peter Anghelides (peter-anghelides@mcmail.com> 10/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Re: Peter Davison in Chicago]

Shill wrote:
>>([hotel in chicago is] affectionately known by the Federation as
>>"Ramadadeohareinn" said like Romana's
>>name, or the Hotel Castrovalva because the
>>hallways fold in on themselves and it's one giant maze.)

HOTEL CASTROVAVLA by Don Henley and Charles Martin

(guitar intro)

>From a bad jungle landing
And a Doctor at rest
Tegan and Nyssa must put him in
His Zero Room chest
Up ahead in the distance
They saw a shimmering sight
Their burden's heavy and their help is gone
But they continued their flight

They could still hear the echoes
Of the cloister bell
And they was thinking to themselves
Adric never shows up when it's hell!
Then they came upon hunters
Who took the Doctor away
A secret entrance in the mountaintop
And the girls found their way (in)

Welcome to the Hotel Castrovalva!
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place)
Such a peaceful race
Plenty of room at the Hotel Castrovalva!
Any time of year (any time of year)
It's like Escher here!

The town is definitely twisted
But they don't notice the bends
The Master's got the pretty, pretty boy
for his own evil ends!
The women wash in the courtyard
But all the girls do is fret
The Doctor can't remember
The Portreeve can't forget

So we called up Shardovan
"what do the books have to say"
He said
"the history here is 500 years
but goes right up to the present day"
And then we hear Adric's voice calling from far away
"I'm tied up in the middle of a web!
I can't come out to play!"

Welcome to the Hotel Castrovalva!
Such a charming place (such a charming place)
for the Doc's new face
They're livin' it up at the Hotel Castrovalva!
What an odd surprise (what an odd surprise)
There's no exit signs

Mirrors at the window
"Draw a map to your house!"
Mergrave said
"We are all just prisoners here
I live north east west and south!"
And in the Master's chambers
He thought the Doctor was trapped
But Shardovan came in to save the day
And the tapestry snapped!
Last thing I remember
They were running for the door
They had to find the passage out
Before the city would fold in no more
"Relax" said the boy wonder,
"I will show you the way."
And so our heroes made good their escape
But the Master had to stay!

(like, bitchin' guitar solo man!)

Welcome to the Hotel Castrovalva!
Such a wondrous Place (such a wondrous place)
Till it got erased
They're livin' it up at the Hotel Castrovalva!
Back to our time machine (back to our time machine)
Adric's turnin' green!

Charles Martin (chas_m@bigfoot.com> 13/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Michael Lee (michaellee@pop.mpls.uswest.net> wrote:
>>Actually, that's not entirely out of the question -- obviously, it's no
>>longer a "spoiler" to say that Adric died in Earthshock

Peter Anghelides (peter-anghelides@mcmail.com> wrote:
>Oh my God -- you spoiled "Earthshock"!

Eric Saward spoiled "Earthshock". Michael just revealed the ending. :-)

Allen Robinson (allenr@mail.enterprise1701.com> 13/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Daniel Frankham wrote:
>Tristram Cary? The Daleks (2) to The Mutants (63)

Cool! You mean the first two stories he worked on were "The Mutants"
and "The Mutants"?

Paul Andinach (pandinac@mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au> 13/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Daniel Frankham (danielf@wantree.com.au> wrote:
>>>Tristram Cary? The Daleks (2) to The Mutants (63)

Paul Andinach (pandinac@mermaid.ucc.gu.uwa.edu.au> wrote:
>>Cool! You mean the first two stories he worked on were "The Mutants"
>>and "The Mutants"?

David McIntee wrote:
>Makes you think - maybe when they were making The Mutants (Pertwee),
>they were trying to decide who to hire for the music. Then when they go
>to look out a contract form for whoever they choose, they find it
>already has Carey's name on for "The Mutants" and figure that >someone
>else in the office did it...

It must've given Mr Cary a... unique idea of what the show was all
about  :)

Daniel Frankham (danielf@wantree.com.au> 13/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Arthur belatedly peruses Transit]

Now look here, Aaronovitch, when I read a book I like to be taken round
the figurative back and duffed over by half a dozen figurative skinheads.
But I want them to make wry witticisms while they do it.  Or put it this
way: the text being a pint of mild and bitter, I like it to be spiked
with the most mind-altering of noxious substances. But I want the bitter
to be Young's Special. Get it?  In other words, I like to read a book and
I like to be a changed man afterwards, and you gave me that, cheers mate,
but most of all, most *most* MOST of all, I like to glean some
*enjoyment* during the process, and that, Aaronovitch, is where you let
me down.  Big time.

You see, I am a moderately fast reader.  Two or three days for your bog
standard DW novel. Alien Bodies a little longer - about a week.  War of the
Daleks a little shorter - in fact I read it in the King's Cross branch of
Smith's whilst waiting for the 18.05 to St Albans.  But Transit took me *six
whole years* to read, what with going back and re-reading stuff and
thinking "hang on who's Blondie-well who's Dog-Face then? nah that's Old
Sam that is" and forgetting what's happened and having to skim-read from
fifty pages back, and then it's Christmas again and I've got presents to
wrap.  Yes, the book changed me all right, but it did so via the
endocrine instead of the nervous system, and that is too long a wait, mate.

Mind I didn't pay for the book, so I suppose I'm not one to complain.  I
was coming from the polling station, having voted in the 1992 election,
walking along the Caledonian Road, when this car pulled up and the driver
asked me how to get to Brent Cross.  I was about to tell him when he
pushed a QuikSave bag into my hands, told me I could have it and speeded
off, a cop car on his tail. I took the bag home and examined its contents
- artifacts of pornographic intent - literature, pictures, ointments,
aids and accessories.  On top of these the bag contained, somewhat
incongruously, the book Transit, by Ben Aaronovitch. I took the bag to
the nick, along with a description of the car and its occupant, but I
held on to Transit. Dishonest, perhaps, but I was curious as to why it
had been included with a collection of porn.

Now I know.  Don't get me wrong - it is *not* pornography, but it dares
idiots to think it *is*.  It is the Lady Chatterley of the Whoniverse.  Lady
Chatterley's Lover was the book that you wouldn't want to leave lying
around for your servant to pick up.  I have no servant, but I have a
teenage son, so I conducted a porn experiment on Transit.  I left it
innocuously in his bedroom, along with a copy of Cosmopolitan as a
control test, and checked it daily to see if it fell open on page 132.
After a week the book was unchanged, whereas the pages of Cosmo were
decidedly crumpled.  QED.

I can understand the disquiet of traditionalists.  I mean sex between
companions, albeit single story companions, does seem outlandish at
first.  I will quote a passage, but insert the names of *previous* DW
companions and you will get what I mean:

"The old springs in the bed creaked as Tegan moved astride Adric, one
hand reaching down to guide him in.  They stayed motionless at first,
getting used to the feel of each other. From the window rectangles of
sunlight were texture mapped around Tegan's body, turning her skin a
golden brown.  Adric traced the edges with his fingertips, letting them
wander up her side and across the top of her breasts.  She laughed."

But it *is* justified here.  Horses for courses.

(And at this point can I just say this to the gentleman who invited me to
join a mailing-list devoted to spanking DW companions, on account of a
throwaway comment in an earlier post: Thanks and Best, mate, but no
thanks. And I don't want to join one about companions straddling one
another neither.)

No, sex is not the problem.  What, who, where and why is the problem. It
seems to me that Aaronovitch has been sucking too hard on the dugs of
William Gibson and that is not a healthy pastime. I guess, in real life,
Aaronovitch is the sort of guy to call a spade a spade. So *call a
transdimensional entity manifesting within and stalking the illusory
tracks and tunnels of a futuristic inter-planet transport crypto-neural
network  a transdimensional entity manifesting within and stalking the
illusory tracks and tunnels of a futuristic inter-planet transport
crypto-neural network* why don't you?  Less of this obfuscation .

And if you meant to satirise the London Underground system, you can't.  I
mean you just *can't.*  It does that for itself better than anyone else
can.  Take a ride on the Northern Line at about 5pm on a weekday and you
will see how autosatirical the London Underground really is.

It's a pity because the characters are *good*.  Scrappy Doo aka Irritant
Spice has gone for the time being, and her replacement is the type of
woman who would give her teenage brother street-cred by association.  Her
language is earthy for a companion, you can hardly imagine the line
"Grandfather, this metal fucker's got it's plunger round my neck" gracing
an earlier era, but it is line with the tone of the rest and she *has*
been taken over by the transdimensional entity.  SlyDoc, too, is well
illustrated in the prime of his manipulative treacherous
end-justifies-the-means little tosser phase. No problems there.

It's what I said before. The book carries a maximum "What-The-Hell???"
factor and that makes for a lengthy and less than pleasurable read in
what is meant to be an entertainment line.  If I'd read this in the bath
I would have dissolved before I finished it.  I would be a changed man.
I would be a substantial soup, with a high fat content and plenty of
chunks of tender flesh.  A light meal in itself or a special hors
d'ouevre for cannibals.

If you can find a copy of Transit then by all means buy it.  It will soon
be a
rarity.  Just don't read it, that's all.  If you do, you will get to the
last page, then realise you've grown a middle-age spread and missed the
millenium.

And you still wont know what the hell Aaronovitch is going on about.

Arthur Banana (artbanana@aol.com> 14/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

David McIntee wrote:
>And that the one in Robot and Ark In Space was made by Madame
>Nostradamus ("a witty little knitter")

but a bleeder when she's pissed.

Danny (daniel.gooley@deetya.gov.au> 14/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Subject: Re: B&W Who]

>>>>and why nobody's talking about the two schoolteachers and the student
>>>>who just vanished!

TARDIS66 (tardis66@aol.com> wrote:
>>>Well people were - that was the mumbling amongst themselves that the
>>>boom mikes never honed in on

Charles Daniels wrote:
>>No people were but not in polite conversation, I'm sure the first
>>words out of the headmaster's mouth were "back from shagging are >>you?"

Dai wrote:
>I don't want to be pedantic (OK, well I do), but the headmaster dies in
>Remembrance.

Constable Dibble: Evenin' Sarge!

Sargeant Plod: Evenin' Dibble. Nasty business down at the cemetary, eh?

CD: Yeah, poor bugger. Still, you've got to wonder what Mr Bronson was
*doing* there in the first place.

SP: Oh, I don't know, son. The man was a *schoolteacher*, know what I
mean? Get up to all sorts of funny stuff, *schoolteachers*, hmmm?

CD: Ah. Say no more. Still, a *headmaster*, a respected figure of the
community...

SP: They're often the worst, son. Ho yus, I meant to ask you to look
into this (waggles paper). Missing person's report. Two teachers by the
names of...ah, Chesterton and Wright. Left work yesterday, neither hide
nor hair seen of them since. Dashed peculiar.

CD: Hmmm. The headmaster's found strangled, and two of his employees
vanish into thin air. You don't think....?

SP: What?

CD: Oh, nothing. 'Ere, I'll tell you what, though, you remember I told
you about that Police Box over in Totters' Lane?

SP: What, the funny vibrating one that exuded an air of impenetrable
mystery, made your neck hairs stand on end as though something decidedly
odd was up, and vibrated to boot?

CD: Yup. That's the one. Well, I passed the yard on me beat, and there
was a whole load of soldiers down there. They've cordoned the place off.
Could've sworn I 'eard gunfire, but put it down to me breakfast. Ere!
You don't think....?

SP: What, son?

CD: Oh, nothing....

Ben Woodhams (woodhamsb@parliament.uk> 14/9/98

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 - Robert Smith?
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