The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Aug-Dec. 2002

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

The August-December 2002 rec.arts.drwho Quotefile!

(Guest editor: Benjamin F. Elliott)

"Of course, if you had a quote file, you could look it up in the quote file
under quote file" ...
- Jason A. Miller (> 31st May 1995

August 2002 - "If you need a volunteer to do the Quotefile, I'd be happy to
help out."

December 2002 - "Here's the quotefile."

(birds chirping> (time passing> (nothing appearing in rec.arts.drwho>

January 2003 - "Er, Benjamin - what happened to the Quotefile?"

Well, it's a trifle late, but it's ready. Sorry for the delay. Here's hoping
it's worth it guys ...

Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically all
the smartest, wittiest most entertaining stuff coillected off rec.arts.drwho
(though other Doctor Who newsgroups are also eligible if you want to send
something in) filtered by trained primates and presented back to you in a
sort of instant-nostalgia recycling exercise curiously reminiscent of
Readers Digest only more enlightening and actually funny. Essentially, it is
the funniest quotes to appear in the newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To
that end, if you see a quote you think derserves an entry in the Quote File,
just mail Robert at
(note that the (> addy no longer works)
and include the attributions and the quote in full.

Please don't be shy about nominating stuff directly to Robert via e-mail.
Saying 'quotefile!' in the newsgroup may just be a way to express how funny
you think a post is, but it's also highly likely that, due to the sheer
traffic of stuff round here, it won't find its due receptacle. Even if you
only think it's mildly funny, or if you think that nobody else might get the
joke, Robert (and his humble minions) would much rather have too much to
choose from than too little. I've tried to do my best, but if you spot any
mistakes, inform Robert so they can be corrected when put on the Web page.

Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with the
original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the Quote
File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of Comment or
Review. The quotefile is updated whenever anyone can be arsed, and past and
present quotefiles can be found at:

[Re: The May-August Quote File!] (> (Brad Filippone) wrote:
> Can a quotefile thread be quotefiled or would that cause a disruption in
> the laugh/time continuim?

It creates a quotefile loop, pulling the whole thread out of normal
usenet and into Q-Space.

The quotefile can then only be reached through a special link known as
a Charged Thread Emboitment (CTE) directed to a negative IP address.

We should be safe though, so long as nobody posts anything about dwarf
star alloy.

Oh bugger.

--Mark Longmuir

Mark Longmuir  25/8/2002?


[Re: The Doctor and the Master...]

David A McIntee (
(>> wrote in message
> Anyone who was at the Leeds Borders Dr Who day a few years back will know
> that I want to do a book that reveals the Doctor and the Master are actually
> ex-spouses.

Is this set before or after The Curse of Fatal Death?:)


Cameron Mason (> 26/8/2002

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------

[Re: Are You Being Served? folks in Doctor Who]

In article (
johnh10337@aol.comnospam (mailto:johnh10337@aol.comnospam> (John S. Hall)

>Hi again,
>Raising an old chestnut here... but does anybody know if any other castmembers
>from "Are You Being Served?" (aside from the ones listed below) ever appeared
>in Doctor Who?
>--"Mr. Rumbold" (his real name escapes me) was in "The Dalek Invasion of Earth"
>--"Old Mr. Grace" was in "The Invisible Enemy"
>--"Miss Brahms" was in "Dimensions in Time"
>Anyone else I'm missing?

Wasn't Mrs Slocombe's pussy in Survival?

La Rustimuna ^Stalkato (>

The Stainless Steel Cat (> 26/8/2002


[Re: Giving up on the eighth doctor books]

I so rarely get chance to look at r.a.dw these days, but on a recent
flying visit I was delighted to see that...

Jack Beven wrote:
[lots of stuff, from which I now disgracefully quote the following out
of context...]
>    I'm not sure what awful things you are mentioning for "Seeing I".
> The Doctor's imprisonment? IMHO that wasn't awful, it was
> downright silly a lot of the time. The Eight Doctor spending three
> years in a prison that the Seventh Doctor could have broken
> out of in three days or three weeks? All that showed was how
> far the Doctor had sunk from his prior incarnation.

This was one of my very fave bits of "Seeing I". The point is that the
Doctor is unable to outwit himself. In the same circumstances, perhaps
the Seventh Doctor would have been unable to outwit DOCTOR7.

>    Not quite. It wasn't a done deal until "The Ancestor Cell" was
> actually in print.

(fx: Screeching tyres. A car door slams. Hurried footsteps across, a
door flung open>

"Stop the press! I've had an idea!"

"Kindly leave the building, Mr Anghelides. You had your chance at the
galley proof stage. You do have the galley?"

"No, after I made my changes, I destroyed it... Hmm... destroyed

"I think you'll find, Mr Anghelides, that your galley never actualy


Peter Anghelides (> 03/09/02



Right before (> (The
Doctor) was eaten by
cannibals on Wed, 4 Sep 2002 15:53:45 +0000 (UTC), they issued this
poignant cry for help:

>In article (3d75d2a9$1$28861$
>Cameron Mason (
(>> wrote:
>>Fett ( (>> wrote in message
>>> > Frozen Ghost is a character.
>>> Is "Frozen Ghost" the season ending story for the Yads dream season that
>>> with the classic "Vikings in Ireland"?
>>At last!
>>Now orders can be fulfilled!

>Have you all been Snark converted?

Which Cyberman era was the Snark Converter from?

Lorrill Buyens (> 5/9/2002


On 9/10/02, Bokman and JerryD are talking about Revelation of the Daleks:

> bokman7757@aol.comSPAM (mailto:bokman7757@aol.comSPAM> (Bokman7757) wrote:

>>From: JerryD (> wrote:

>>> bokman7757@aol.comSPAM (mailto:bokman7757@aol.comSPAM> (Bokman7757)

>>> Revelation awful??? COME ON!! Daleks that could reporduce??

>>I'd say he has a point...
>>I mean, who wants to watch Daleks having Sex?

Bokman7757 10/9/2002

Bokman7757 (bokman7757@aol.comSPAM> 10/9/2002


[Re: Logopolis on UK Gold this morning(15 sept 2002)]

"David" (> wrote in message
> I think UK Gold needs a new copy of Logopolis as the one they got has
> a problem 10 minutes from the end of part 4. The picture breaks up for
> just over a second.

God NO! My life is ruined. That second, it could been so much. Perhaps a
second more of Grumpy Baker? A second more of Adric's Pyjamas? A second more
of running about a bit? Will this torment ever end?

Chris Parrott (> 15/9/2002


[Re: Signs and portents for New Doctor Who]

On Fri, 20 Sep 2002 19:30:03 +0100, Steve Day
(>> wrote:

>On Fri, 20 Sep 2002 17:28:56 GMT,
(> (Doctor
>Spong) wrote:
>>Well it worked for the Virgin New Adventures!
>I know. No book would be commissioned without at least 7 fucks and a

Ah, the infamous Virgin casting couch... back in the old days, one
good knee-trembler was all it took to get into DWG's movies... now it
appears to be non-stop rabbit activity until progeny is achieved.

No wonder the BBC took their licence away...
Colin B.

Overusing ellipses on Usenet since 1998...

Colin B (> 21/9/2002


[Re: DW theme played on Radio One.]

On Mon, 30 Sep 2002 17:02:01 +0100, Zygon Curry
(private@due_to_spam_mail> wrote:

>Radio One also used to run short comedy sketches featuring the 'Down
>the Pan Daleks', who were two umemployed Daleks as a result of Doctor
>Who being cancelled! Quite funny sketches I thought. They used to be
>broadcast daily in the morning, on the Simon Bates show if I'm
>remembering correctly.

Simon Bates show!  They weren't on 'Our Tune' were they?

(sad music plays>
(simpering voice>
"I recieved a letter the other day from a certain Davros of Skaro.
For many years a successful scientist and inventor, he's fallen on
hard times recently.  First of all his home planet was destroyed in a
mysterious explosion, and now to top it all he's lost his job.
Apparently, for many years he has been the victim of a hate campaign
by a man calling himself 'The Doctor', possibly a rival scientist.
However, he's not bitter and wonders if we can play 'Wind Beneath My
Wings' by Bette Midler.  Of course we can.  Davros, this is especially
for you........"

Doctor Spong (> 30/9/2002


[Re: The 200th Story Milestone: A Ready Reckoner]

Jonathan Blum wrote:

> Beg pardon sir, but you left out the sixth Doctor / Beep the Meep
> story from the second DWM cover disc, paired with "Invaders from Mars"
> 1...

Gosh, I didn't know about this one. Another Big Finish 1-episode
tale of which they were secretly ashamed? Does anybody know which
number DWM it was?

My collection is impaired! I cannot count! My collection is impaired!
I cannot count! Self-destr

Graham Nelson (> 1/10/2002


[Re: 0 tolerance on anything anti-biblical]

On 1 Oct 2002 05:40:11 -0700, (David
Brider) wrote:

> (The Doctor) wrote in message
>> In article (3d979f15.114461350@news.CIS.DFN.DE>,
>> Lorrill Buyens (> wrote:
>>>Do ya
>>>use Saturday or Sunday as your "day of worship?"
>Just the *one* day of the week to worship the Creator of the universe?  How dull...

My day of worship used to be Saturday.  Then Tom Baker got replaced by
Peter Davison and I had to worship on Tuesdays and Thursdays instead

Doctor Spong (> 2/10/2002


[Re: Giant Flaw  from Remembrance (was Question for pro-McCrap drone...)]

"Dave Joll" (> wrote in message

> For some reason I've just started thinking of a Hand of
> Omega running Windows `95... will the universe ever be
> safe again?

Int. Mothership. Day.

DAVROS is sat at a PC terminal. He has at least one arm. The DOCTOR can be
seen on a right big telly nearby.

...I think I am quite capable of handling the technology.

I sincerely doubt that.
What's it saying?

It's still booting up. Give it a chance.

Surely it's about time you ditched that crappy machine.

Hah! I will teach you the folly of those words. Just give me a moment. Ah,
here we are. What do I click on?


I knew that, I knew that! Leave me alone!
*(Long pause)*

What's up now?

I'm reading the licensing agreement.

Just click on OK, they're all the same.

All right then.

Cut to:
SCREEN that reads: "Do you want to customise your installation?"

Just click on "Minimal settings".

Is that what I want?

You can always change it via "Tools/options" later.

Okey doke.

Cut to:
SCREEN now says "Hand of Omega successfully installed with minimal settings.
Would you like to launch the Hand or read the readme file?" and there are a
couple of tick boxes.

Shall I read this readme file?

Just launch it, I never read the instructions.

Are you sure?

It's what Omega always use to do. Not that I was around then, of course...
*(looks shifty)*


Cut to:
The SCREEN now says: "Hand of Omega launched. Estimated time till extinction
of Dalek race: 4 seconds"


DAVROS frantically jiggles the mouse about, trying to click on CANCEL but
the mouse pointer is an eggtimer and it doesn't work.

Bugger! Doctor!

Oh, what is it now? You did tell it to channel the energy towards your time
experiments, didn't you...?

Well, I... wait a minute! You just told me to click on launch!

Well yes... but you selected "Custom installation", didn't you? So you must
have seen the options to avoid blowing up the system.. Oh and the one about

You told me to just do a minimal install! Wait... what feedback?

Cut to:
SCREEN says: "Skaro star system vapourised. Estimated time until your death:
7 seconds."

Doctor! You tricked me!

Well, duh. Goodbye, Davros. Give my regards to Adric.

Aaaargh! Have pity on me!

No! Oh, go on then. Double-click on "Microsoft Escape-Pod Emergency
Edition". Then get ready to sprint!

DAVROS does as the Doctor says.


What's an "Invalid page faul--

*Mothership explodes.*

DOCTOR taps his trusty Mac.

There's a lesson in this story.

FADE on the Mac's healthy glow.


(This scene should in no way be seen as an endorsement of Apple or a
criticism of Microsoft. It's BT and ATI I really hate.)

"Death to Peter Galey." "What?" "Seth to beat a lady." "Oh."
Bipedal Giraffes

Pete Galey (> 2/10/2002


[ Re: Is this the tenth planet ?]

> From: "Bazza"
> Date: 08/10/02 22:54 GMT Daylight Time
> Message-id: (YtIo9.585$

> I'm also in favour of genocide of the Cyprians by the way. Cyprus should
> nuked.

Can I just say how utterly shocked I am by this statement?

*Cypriots*, Bazza, *Cypriots*.

What *do* they teach them in school these days?
EU SF&FSoc (>
When one is tired of London, one is tired of being overcharged, overcrowded,
insulted, rushed and compelled to make 2 hour journeys that anywhere else
take 15 minutes. -Diane L on afp.

Daibhid Chiennedelh (> 8/10/2002


[Re: Film Noir and The Happiness Patrol *bwaaahahahahaha Nyeeeheheheheheee*
and other such sounds]

In article (>,
M A P P Y (> wrote:
>On Fri, 11 Oct 2002 19:00:45 +0100, Tan Coul (>
>>>Beware the lighting crew: the true demons of televeision.

>>I think you're taking too many Es, Mike ;-)

>What?  You mean to say you've never run into a lighting crew gang in a
>dark alleyway?  :)

Only well-lit alleyways, obviously...

Jon Blum

Jonathan Blum (> 12/10/2002


[Re: Doctor Yads On Call]

> Why would Yads want you when he can have any woman on the face of the planet?
> Or the universe, for that matter? *snerk*
> --Just a shepherdess...

Yads can have any woman on the planet?

(brain melting out his ears>


(claxons wailing in the background>


(a mass of grey-suited RADW technicians begin swarming into escape pods

(obscured by clouds of steam>



JerryD (> 14/10/2002


[Re: Dr. Harry Sullivan's Nose....]

In article (>, (Doctor Spong) wrote:

> On Tue, 22 Oct 2002 21:25:53 +0100, "Representative Trantis" (>
> wrote:
> >In part one of 'Ark In Space' he comments that he's never liked slding doors
> >since he got his nose caught in one!
> >
> >How the hell do you get your nose caught in a sliding door?:-)
> >
> >
> >
> Maybe it was a late change to the script, and the original word was
> 'penis' :)

He got his nose caught in a penis? Those navy boys, eh!


Bob (> 22/10/2002


[Re: Steve Roberts]

bokman7757@aol.comSPAM (Bokman7757), who prophecied:

>Of course he can't make DVDs for toffee. Toffees don't watch DVDs. At least
>none of the ones I know do.

Mine do.  They think Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is one of the
greatest horror films ever made.

Lorrill Buyens (> 23/10/2002?


[(fwd) Re: Curious]

In article (
MHW ( (>> wrote:
>Dear All,
>While I'm not a Dr. Who fan as such, I have a query which I hope one
>of you may be able help me with. Recently, I've spent a great deal of
>time trawling through old posts on this group in the hope of digging
>up some "dirt" on Paul Cornell, the columnist and author (I believe
>many of you will be familiar with that name). During the course of my
>research, I stumbled across an intriguing and rather mysterious
>poster, often referred to as Yads.
>This Yads person has an exceptionally unique posting style, in that
>while I can identify the meaning of the individual words he uses, I
>often find myself extremely confused as to what he's trying to say. To
>be blunt, he seems to be writing a lot of nonsense.
>My question is this: is Yads for real, or is he an assumed identity
>designed to fox the casual reader? I'd dearly love to know.
>Have a good one,

As witness in Chicago 1993, I am a living breathing cadaver.
Member - Liberal International On 11 Sept 2001 the WORLD was violated.
This is (> Ici (>
Society MUST be saved! Extremists must dissolve. =20
Beware of defining as intelligent only those who share your opinions

The Doctor (> 25/10/2002


[Re: Recovering lost episodes?]

"Frozen Goat" (
(>> wrote in message
> -Frozen Goat (The Artist formerly known as Professor Freakazoid) lurks,
> listening to:
> Professor Sorenson ( (>>
wrote in message
> (>...
> > Sedge wrote:
> > >
> > That's just impossible and ludicrous. What makes you think that the
> > tapes are comparable to hard disks on a computer?
> >
> I think, like many Who fans that yearn for lost stories, he's clutching at
> great crime.
"And in crime news this evening, police arrested Phil Newton on four felony
counts of assault and battery on a pair of Female straws. The straws were
relaxing in a field at their university around 1PM when Mr. Newton suddenly
started clutching at them. Phil Newton claims that the clutching was
consensual and a traditional metaphor of English literature. Civil rights
advocates claim that such retrogade ideology is responsible for much of the
discrimination against straws today, and that action must be taken to ban
such thought and hate speech. Mr. Newton is being held on $10,000 bail and
could face anywhere from a psychological exam to 5 years in jail if found
guilty of the charges."

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 28/10/2002


[Re: DVD woes]

Steve Roberts wrote:
> It's also worth considering the release date screw up, and the recall
> of the original discs, many of which had been sent out to customers by
> on-line retailers.

Well, as long you don't re-release it with an additional commentary
track by Alan Partridge. (Yes, I'm one of the half-dozen people in
Britain with a copy of the recalled Partridge DVD. Anybody want to
buy it as a collector's item, so I can buy the much better version
out this week?)

"So, Aztec priest Tlotoxl there, telling us his views on human
sacrifice, which I think would come as a refreshing change if any
politician today had the courage, really, the guts to speak up
for them. And now it's 5 a.m. and time for Alan's Fact of the Day.
An eclipse of the sun hasn't happened in Norwich for over six
thousand years. That's... let's see... one point eight million
Radio Norwich breakfast shows. The music now, the music on this
bit is by 60s pop icon Richard Rodney Bennett. You can see the
Aztec garden coming up here, it's totally pedestrianised. Now
that, sunshine, is what I'm talking about. So okay, I'm an Aztec
warrior, maybe coming home from a hard day capturing cocoa beans,
I want to be able to slide through the streets in my Rover
Allegro, maybe have a barbeque, but I can't. I CAN'T. And why
not? Because pedestrian zoning is the sort of namby-pamby
law invented by the local council. Subhuman scum. Of course
the wheel has not yet been invented but, the Allegro, it could
have skis. And coming up, Dudley "Wide Boy" Simpson with his
Doctor Who Groove, with the time fast approaching 1500 AD..."

Graham Nelson (> 2/11/2002


[Re: JerryD's top 10 stories featuring an Ergon.]

On Thu, 31 Oct 2002 23:08:53 +0000 (UTC), I found a Chinese cookie
fortune written by (Doctor Spong), who

>I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I've never seen Ark of Infinity.

They tore it down for scrap material after it ran aground near the

Lorrill Buyens (> 2/11/2002


[Re: A similar question (WAS:Re: "You are ______ and I claim my five

The Doctor (> wrote

> Reform and Reformation.

Is that a Jane Austen novel that got rejected by the publishers?

Dave Joll (> 4/11/2002


[Re: Return of Silly Titles]

Brad Filippone (> wrote in message

> ...just because it's been a few months.
> For those not familiar with this concept, you are to supply a brief sample
> of dialog that might be found in a Doctor Who story with the following
> titles.
> 1.  An Unhealthy Child

"Susan, are you all right?"
"I'm [splutter] OK, Grandfather, it's just ever [kersplut] since
we landed on this planet I've had [sniffle] a bit of a flu bug."
"A bug, you think, hmmm? You must have caught something
nasty off one of those other two. We should have left them
with the cavemen. Now where did I put that fluid link?"

> 2.  Leela does an Infomercial

"You make me wear strange clothes, you bring me to this
evil place and you tell me nothing."
"This is how your ancestors lived, Leela. Now *please*
keep quiet and let me do the talking. I've pulled a *lot* of
strings to get you this spot... now just try to be nice to
everybody you see and, please, don't kill anyone..."
"So, Miss Leela, what do you think of this Ginsu steak knife?"
"This is not a good knife."
"Oh... my... ah, what's wrong with it?"
"It is not sharp and the balance is bad. Look at how it flies -
even a child would be ashamed of that."
"Well, I'm sure that cameraman got a good look... what are
you doing?"
"This is a better knife. See?"
"Well, I must say our sponsors wouldn't really appreciate
that, though. But thank you for coming along this afternoon;
have you ever thought about appearing on "Tool Time"?
You'd knock them dead there..."
"But the Doctor said I was not to kill anyone..."
"...and children, remember, don't try this at home! Thank
you, thank you, thank you!"

> 4.  The Doctor Meets Captain Kirk

"And this is Dr. McCoy..."
"I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone
else. I do get that sometimes, but generally in the late
twentieth and early twentyfirst - he was an actor, wasn't
he? - but, frankly, I don't see the resemblance..."
"No, you fool, the Captain was talking about me..."
"Hey, I've seen you before. Weren't you in that John
Waters film back in the `seventies? The one with all
the fairies and stuff in it?"
"That is not logical, child. Now, please put down your
bomb and tell me who you and your friend are..."

> 6.  Jo in the Brothel

"Mike! Whatever are you doing here?"

> 7.  Susan Meets Adam and Eve

"Hey! It's Old Mother when she was young. And she's
got a boyfriend..."

> 9.  Daleks on Sesame Street

EX-TER-MI-NATE. EX-TER-MI-NATE... Oh, darn..."
"Oscar! Whatever are you doing in that thing?"

> 17.  Romana Meets Hugh Hefner

"You want me to *what*?"
"It's artistic, don't you know..."
"Here's something else that's an art..."

> 19.  Planet of Spider-Man

"Let me guess. You got bitten by a radioactive nose, didn't you?
And which museum did you grab those clothes from..."
"I don't have time for this. Where is this Octopus fellow that
kidnapped Sarah Jane...?"
"She's a bit young for you, isn't she?"
"...less of that lip, boy... and you can kindly refrain from making
comments about my attire while you remain dressed in something
from one of those colour cartoons Jo used to watch..."

Dave Joll (> 4/11/2002


[Re: The most overused word in Doctor Who]

Ed Drake (> wrote in message
> "Excellent!"
> Why is it that the Cybermen and Davros always repeatedly say
> "Excellent!" to everything that happens they find satisfactory?  What
> about "Awesome!" "Fantastic!" "Outstanding!"  "Good!"  "Very Well!"

Further to that, what about the Zygons? They spent centuries in
Scotland, so they must've absorbed some of the dialect, especially
since they impersonated so many locals. Did we once hear one of them
say "Jings! Crivens! Help ma' Boab!"? No. And, just imagine Broton
composing Scottish Zygon poetry:

      To A Skarasen

      Geet, sleekit, glow'rin', rumblin' beastie,
      O what a fever's in thy breastie!
      Thou need na start awa tae London hasty,
                      Wi' murd'rous brattle!
      Yon Doctor's laith to rin an' chase thee
                      Wi' sonic pattle!

Ron Hines (> 6/11/2002


[Re: The most overused word in Doctor Who]

Dave Joll (> wrote:
> Ed Drake (> wrote in message
>> Why is it that the Cybermen and Davros always repeatedly say
>> "Excellent!" to everything that happens they find satisfactory?  What
>> about "Awesome!" "Fantastic!" "Outstanding!"  "Good!"  "Very Well!"
> If I ever heard Davros or a Cyberman say "Awesome!", then I'd
> know that the lowest common denominator had been well and
> truly reached...

Cyberman: [spotting the Doctor and the Master]  Ah!

[walks back to Cyberleader]

Cyberman: *I* have found the ones from the TARDIS.

Cyberleader: Duuuuuuude!

Andrew McCaffrey (> 6/11/2002


[Re: Return Of Silly Titles]

> 2. Leela does an Infomercial
"Now take a look at these Long-Sleeve shirts with high necklines. Not only
do they look nice, keep you warm during these wretched Earth winters, and
keep you from getting distracting ogling, but there are many places where
you can create pockets and hide knives. See, you can put a 3 inch knife
here. A six inch knife here. This is an excellent spot - you can put a 10
inch knife there."
> 3. Planet of San Francisco Giants
Peri: "The planet just imploded? How?"
Doctor: "Very sad. It was late on a Saturday night. Spirits were high. And
then they just lost the fire. The inspiration passed. Alien invaders managed
to pillage the entire planet in the last hour of the night. Then the aliens
came back the next night and did it again. The Giants couldn't take it, and
destroyed themselves in a fit of pique."
Peri: "What about their twin planet Anaheim?"
Doctor: "Oh, they were the invaders. Suffice it to say that they're no
> 5. Goldilocs and the Three Cybermen
First Goldilocks was converted into a Mondassian Cyberwoman, but she thought
the personality was too hard, and visibility was poor. Then she was
converted into an Earthshock style Cyberwoman, but she thought they were too
soft, too emotional. Finally she turned into a Wheel In Space style
Cyberwoman, and the mixture of menace and ease of movement were just right.
> 7. Susan Meets Adam and Eve
Susan: "I've seen you eating fruit off all the trees here, but not that one."
Eve: "God told us not to eat off that tree, or touch it, or we'll surely die."
Susan: "What rubbish. Fruit can't kill you. That's so superstitious. Eat
something off that tree."
Eve: "But God said ..."
Susan: "We're women. We can't have men like God ordering us around and
telling us what we can't do. Go ahead. Take a bite."
Eve: "Very well." (Reaches for a fruit on the tree.)
Next Episode: Sword Of Fire
(credits roll)

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 7/11/2002


[Re: The Doctor and trolls]

> I think a better question would be: How would the Doctor handle a Yads?


By Jerry Nation.

The Fourth Doctor, Harry and Sarah Jane are plucked from time by the CIA and
given a most dangerous mission indeed-travel to the planet Earth in the
early 1990's, and stop the Mad Scientist Flavros from completing his most
diabolical experiment yet-mutating a mild mannered computer operator into
the most fiendish brain-cell killing machine the universe has ever scene.

THRILL! to the Doctor agonizing over the moral ramifications of wiping Yads
existence from the continuim as posters of all races and creeds unite
against his babble..

CHILL! to the scene where the Yadsbot turns on Flavros and brutally cuts him
down with a chilling chorus of PUNT-DRUNK!

SPILL! your drink on the video, it's worthless anyway....

JerryD (> 8/11/2002?


[Re: Heavy Metal Tom]

Ron Hines wrote:
> Ian Salsbury (  wrote
>>I say let him! Let him write his own story, talking cabbages and shagging
>>Davros`, whatever - I`d just love to hear him do a Who story again! I
reckon Tom`s imagination let loose in the world of Who would be fascinating
and I for one would buy it!!
> A talking cabbage ... Hmm, couldn't Yads play that part?
I can see it now.

TB: And so there I was, trapped in the elevator with the Delusian
ambassador, who just happened to resemble a common badger! of all the luck..

Yads: Hartnell was better!

TB: And then I was..Eh? What was that just now? Hurndall was better?
That's a rather cold thing to say about Hartnell's portrayal of the
Doctor, little cabbage.

Yads: HARTnell! do read for context!

TB: Errr...yes, I think I shall try on a Wedensday. But enough about
badgers, let's talk about the badger.

Yads: Hartnell!

TB: Hartnell WAS a badger! or a bounder, calm down or I'll
stick you back in the freezer...

Yads: Punt Drunk!

ahhh.......I'd buy it.

JerryD (> 10/11/2002?


[Re: Pro-fun: Companions on infomercials]

>From:  (Brad Filippone

>1.  Susan does an infomercial for Pepto-Bismol

"You know what I hate? Radiation sickness! Not only does it gradually render
you powerless and enable you to be bossed around by gits with plungers, it also
plays hell with your digestion."

>2.  Ian and Barbara/Mormon Church

"Back on Earth, I was engaged to a girl named Lisa. However, when I was
abducted by a maniac time traveller and separated from home for three years, I
fell in love with my travelling companion Barbara here. Now, normally, this is
a bachelor's biggest dilemma. Fortunately, there's an answer..."

>7.  Jamie/Victoria's Secret

"Hallo there. Jamie MacCrimmon for... Och mama, wouldye look at these lassies!
They're hardly wearin' nuthin' and... um... sorry. Ladies would ye like to make
yourselves more bonny in the boudoir? Well, something like this here... CAN
THEY EVEN SHOW THAT? Ach, I'm pitchin' a tartan ten- well, c'mon, we didn't
have nothin' like this back in the day! The English took all our pornography,
and sexy knickers hadn't been invented yet..."

>8.  Victoria/a vibrator

"Do you know why I'm smiling?"

>9.  Zoe/Fox Network announcing their fall lineup

"Good heavens, all these shows were cancelled before I'd even heard of them-
and it's already the 21st century! Better catch 'em while you can, folks!"

>11.  Benton, Yates, and Liz Shaw/UNIT recruitment

"Yes, it's a man's life in the modern top secret organisation which we're not
supposed to tell anyone about- oh, bugger."

>17.  Adric/the latest Ford model

"The new Pinto. It's the only car I use!"

>19.  Peri/Mensa membership

"You don't think I wear skimpy clothing and wait around to get rescued by just
any moron, do I?"

>24.  The Master/Barbie and Ken dolls

"BWAHAHAHA... now that I have the Malibu Dream House my conquest of the Mattel
Empire is complete. Soon even Skipper and the Ferrari will be in my possession!
Ahh, Barbie, soon I will have all your accessories...."

Bokman7757 (bokman7757@aol.comSPAM> 20/11/2002


[Re: Pro-fun: Companions on infomercials]

Brad Filippone (> wrote in message

> 7.  Jamie/Victoria's Secret

"Och, who told you I know about...?"

> 8.  Victoria/a vibrator

"So what does this thing do, Doctor? Doctor? Why have you
turned such a funny colour?"

> 21.  Ace/anger management

"Oi, you. Yes, you. I'm talking to you. Don't give me that sort
of look, I don't want to be doing this, all right? I'm here today
to talk to you about this great new anger management course...

> 22.  Benny/Museum of Michael Jackson memorabilia

"...and if you seriously want me to advertise that drek then
there had better be something a bit stronger than water in
that glass...!"

> 24.  The Master/Barbie and Ken dolls

"Well, good evening, children. I'm here today to tell you
about all the exciting things my friends at Nestene Plastics
and I are planning with your favourite dolls. Look at these
eyes - would they lie to you?"

> 25.  Professor Zaroff/Seeking psychiatric help for DBurns

"Look at ze poor boy. Almost nozzing in ze vurld can
shtop him now, unless you geeve generoushly!"

Dave Joll (> 20/11/2002


[Re: Pro-Fun: Companions on infomercials]

Brad Filippone (> wrote in message
> 2. Ian and Barbara/Mormon Church
Join the church and see God's glory throughout all off time and space!
> 3. Vicki/Trojan condoms
Don't get caught out; use a Trojan!
> 4. Steven/campaign to re-elect Tony Blair
William hauge as Prime Minister - I Don't Believe It! Re-elect Tony Blair!
> 5. Dodo/cold medication
This new Ah-Ahh-CHOO!!!!! cold medicine is sure to AH-AH-CHOOOOOOOO!!! cure
you cold within 24 hour-hour-HOURSCHOO!!
> 6. Polly and Ben/public service announcement to ban killing mosquitos
Do as the Duchess and I do, don't kill mozzies
> 7. Jamie/Victoria's Secret Och. Victoria's Secret, more than you bargain
> 8. Victoria/a vibrator Pleasuring one's own self has never been this much
> 9. Zoe/Fox Network announcing their fall lineup
Watch Fox: airing shows that my time will remember fondly, compared with the
trash we call 'entertainment'.
> 10. The Brigidier/Windex
Buy Windex: it will take care of window grime with Five Rounds Rapid!
> 11. Benton, Yates, and Liz Shaw/UNIT recruitment
Would you like to join a top secret UN backed military organisation dealing
with the paranormal? Then join UNIT! Great Mike just give away ALL our
secrets... Well I didn't tell then that you wear stockings on Casual
Thursdays. Good thing I don't tell them that you wear bondage gear on Casual
> 12. Jo/public service announcement about what to wear when you meet a
If you ever meet a Dalek, where the most impractical clothing you can find.
If you meet a Gold Dalek, go naked! It worked for me...
> 13. Sarah Jane/The National Enquirer
There is a newspaper I would never work for: The National Enquirer. And
people call my work trashy...
> 14. Harry/medical house calls
Are you an 'old girl' who finds it hard to get out of the house? Then call
Harry's House calls" (Note: our doctors do not visit places with sliding
> 15. Romana (either)/announcing the next "Survivor"
Next time on Survivor: Primitive humans battle it out with lying, cheating
and deception.
> 16. Tegan/no frills airlines
Do you want bad service? Then fly the surly skys!
> 17. Adric/the latest Ford model
This car goes from 0 to 110 in 4 sec-SPLAT!
> 18. Turlough/computer dating service
Looking for a surly submissive other to do your bidding, or even love? Using
the LUST method, our computer matches you up to your perfect match.
> 19. Peri/Mensa membership
Whenever I get captured by megolamaniacs, I always check that they have
MENSA membership. If they aren't in MENSA, they aren't worth being captured
> 20. Mel/Burger King
Burger King: the place where you can feast on FAT! And get FAT! Are you sure
you wouldn't like a nice carrot juice instead?
> 21. Ace/anger management
Listen up toerags! Gordon Bennett! If you have an anger management problem
like me, call 555-SPOTS
> 22. Benny/Museum of Michael Jackson memorabilia
Well here we are, in the Museum dedicated to the man of a thousand face
lifts; it didn't matter if he was black or white, it just was never right,
Mr Michael Jackson! Cruck! Look at poor Bubbles!
> 23. Sam Jones/The National Rifle Association
I am being paid by those in control to tell you that those fascist pigs, the
NRA are cool.
> 24. The Master/Barbie and Ken dolls
I am the Master, and you will BUY these dolls from Mattel, now run by Auto
> 25. Professor Zaroff/Seeking psychiatric help for DBurns
Zis man ist zufferink from hay mental dishordah. Pliz ken ewe help hem.

Cameron Mason (> 20/11/2002


[Re: Pro-Fun: Companions on infomericials] (Brad Filippone) wrote in message
> The "Leela does an Infomercial" segment of my recent "Silly Titles" thread
garnered such hilarious answers that I thought I'd expand the idea into a
whole thread. Give some samples (not necessarily dialog) of what would
happen if the following characters did an infomercial advertising the
products/services etc. given. Assume that for some reason, the characters
can't refuse to do them.
What about Sara Kingdom's testimonial for anti-aging cream...?

Mark Longmuir (> 20/11/2002



"Hello, Ian, Barbara, Susan, or should I say Steven, Vicki, Dodo, Ben or Polly,
Jamie? I'm old but I'm young, I've rejuvenated but then they back regenerated
it and I am a Doctor of all things, a took a medical degree and am a doctor of
medicine, however I don't help people who need amputations cause you must help
yourselves however I help your planet all the time cause I just think it's
great but I let it blow up once but it got better in my book bio. I have an
aunt and uncle but I think my mother was one of my companions named Leela, I'm
human but not half human and the Time Lords are all powerful old folks who
dodder around and put me on trial more times than I care to remember. My
greatest foes whom I never knew about until I was about ready to rejuvenate are
the Daleks--mutated humanoids from an age old war with the Thals?Dals and lead
by no one once but then lead by Davros who died a few times, came back, got
better, got his whole world blasted but then moved it and destroyed something
in its place while I went on and got the Master's remains, he's my best friend,
best enemy, son, father brother or mother and sister, my cousins were Loomed or
I wasn't, I have a tattoo which vanished but is there if I want it to be along
with one of my hearts. My Other selves regularly, oh damn, where was i? "

J2rider (> 22/11/2002


['It's the end... but the moment has been prepared for.']


I'd just like to point out that the following is *not* my fault. Daibhid
Chiennedelh (> made me do it, honest; he practically
put a gun to my head (the heartless thug), so all hate mail should be sent
to him.

With my deepest apologies to David Bowie:


JNT to Doctor Tom
JNT to Doctor Tom
Drink your Shandy Bass and put your big scarf on

JNT to Doctor Tom
It's time to start, Buck Roger's on
Start the Tardis and may Adric be with you

(spoken countdown to 'vworp, vworp' bit, with spiralling stylophone effect)

This is JNT to Doctor Tom
You've really got it made
And the tabloids think that Lalla's very fair
Land your old Type-40 capsule if you dare

   "This is Doctor Tom to JNT
    The Cloister Bells seem loud
    I don't think my Tardis knows which way to go
    Tell the pub's landlord I'll see him soon, he knows

    For here
    Am I boggle-eyed in crimson
    On the Blackpool shore
    The Tardis still looks blue
    But I'll see what I can do

(funky acoustic bit, followed by more stylophone stylings)

    This is Doctor Tom to JNT
    It's nearly time to go
    My curls are graying, had too many beers
    My toothy grin feels jaded, I've done seven years

JNT to Doctor Tom
The Watcher's here, is there something wrong?
Can you hear me, Doctor Tom?
Can you hear me, Doctor Tom?
Can you....

   "Here am I lying prone in Reading
    Looks like Jodrell Bank
    The Tardis is still blue
    But there's nothing I can do."

Ron Hines (> 25/11/2002


[Re: Trekkies vs Whovians]

From: bokman7757@aol.comSPAM (Bokman7757)
Date: 28 Nov 2002 07:06:26 GMT

VOICE OF K9: Previously, on Doctor Who...

ANNE TRAVERS: You met them in 1935 in Tibet?

TRAVERS: That was over forty years ago.

THE BRIGADIER (from The Invasion): The Yeti saga took place nearly four
years ago.

SARAH: But I'm from 1980!


Attribution Lost 28/11/2002?


[Re: Review:  A Life Of Surprises]

From: (Daibhid Chiennedelh)
Date: 29 Nov 2002 15:35:09 GMT

>From: Sean Gaffney
>Date: 29/11/02 11:05 GMT Standard Time

>  I like New Ace (though I suspect I am the only one in the
>entire world),

Indeed. There are three kinds of people in this world:

1) People who hate Ace in any and all forms.

2) People who liked the *real* Ace, and were horrified at what Virgin did to

3) You.


Daibhid Chiennedelh (> 29/11/2002


[Re: Travels of a Tymelord - Real Time]

Tymelord (> wrote:
> This Week: REAL TIME

> S

> P

> O

> I

> L

> E

> R

> S

> P

> A

> C

> E

> It's quite simple to sum up this story.  In fact, I think I will in the
> of a short script:

> CYBERMAN: You will give us your TARDIS, Doctor.
> DOCTOR: Nope!
> [pause]
> CYBERMAN: Oh please?
> DOCTOR: Nope!
> CYBERMAN: We'll kill all your little friends if you don't!
> DOCTOR: Go ahead, I'm not really bothered.
> [pause]
> CYBERMAN: Oh, just give us the TARDIS!
> DOCTOR: Nope!


(Oh man, you've just given me horrible flashbacks to REAL TIME episode
one...  and episode two... and episode three... and episode four...)

Andrew McCaffrey (> 2/12/2002


[Re: "Timeless" blurb]

>The Doctor (> wrote in message
>> In article (asic46$hso$>,
>> Ron Hines (> wrote
>> >As I said before: immortal, omnipresent, and moving in mysterious ways
>> >Yads is God of RADW.
>> >
>> I am NO God.

*Then...... DIE!!!!!!!*

("Yads, the next time someone asks you if you're a god you say YES!")

Bokman7757 (bokman7757@aol.comSPAM> 3/12/2002


[Re: RADW: New Mission Statement]

>  (Mark Longmuir)

>>powrwrap@aol.compost (Alan S. Wales) wrote:

>> >"Ron Hines"
>> >Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of
>> >their women.

>> Join the Daleks?

>...they said.
>See the universe, they said.

Turn into a gelatinous blob that motors about in a personal assault
casing--that they didn't mention.

Alan S. Wales (powrwrap@aol.compost> 4/12/2002


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