The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Feb/Mar 2000

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)



is pleased to announce an appearance by
tickets 10 pounds in advance
Limited servings
Tom will be talking about his work, answering questions from fans and
signing autographs! in the comfort of our cafe bar LOUNGE. and he will
TREEROT will also be giving customers a unique opportunity to purchase
a limited edition olive, signed by gardener JUNE HUDSON and of course
Tom himself.
You can also take the opportunity to have Tom with a slice of PICKLE
and some CHIPS. As well as some NAPKINS.
No purchase is necessary and customers who book are welcome to bring
along two luncheon items of their own to be signed, and of course Tom
will also be available as a SIDE DISH.

Rufus T. Firefly  1/2/00


Ed Jefferson  writes
>What do you get if you cross a Dalek and a Cyberman?

Very, very dead, unless you run up a flight of stairs whilst throwing
gold coins.

Aidan Folkes  1/2/00


[Subject: Re: Silly Thought About "Shadows of Avalon"]

> Found a copy this afternoon, will finish reading it by Monday I suspect.
> gives a damn about Chaucer anyway.

Whan that the mille's Avalian booke
The droghte of Cornell hath oertooke,
And bathed every vaine and lost readour
In taste long soughte since Human Natour;
Whan Angel Bloo and Angel Hydes
Are left wi Woorlds Fronteer and Fyve,
And since yet Shadowing Fyve-nyne,
Though 'fore Declyne of Yqatyne
Thise tales begann unnaturalie
End Miles from hence hir historie
(so placeth him booke in hir propre plase);
Thanne weken folk as from a dase,
And say "Al that we feard was noughte
For wee have found what wee have soughte
This tale sygns no Unhappy Endyngs,
But happy new pilgrimage wendyings:
Tis yet what started far away,
Long ago, in an English day"

Danny Gooley 1/2/00


[Subject: Re: A question about rejections for books]

>>once, i got a sheet with various boxes on it. I got "Prose needs work".

Dannyjhorn  wrote:
>  Well, to start with, you need to capitalize the first letter of each

Now that's slightly unfair. We all know the decapitalisation was a
conscious decision and stuff - note the unconsciously capitalised 'I'
and such that slipped out despite all the best of intentions, when the
poster started talking about things they actually cared about.

There's two reasons why people do it. The first is as a pointed and
quite possibly Postmodernist refusal to participate in the elitist
mindset that says some letters in a text are more important than others.
This is on a par with people who in all seriousness write the word
'wimmin', is the sort of thing that the Right Wing Establishment
invented to take the piss out of multiculturalism, feminism etc, and
those who really and *seriously* buy into it are just total fucking
loonies who can easily be discounted as communicative white noise.

The other reason, in the Usenet sense, is simply that the poster is
trying to be unassuming and quiet, as opposed to those people who tend
to write ALL IN CAPS - so personally, I'm going to be as nice as all who
know and love me know and assume that. Either that or fag-ash under the
caps-key, and we've all been there.

Dave Stone  2/2/00


David Brunt wrote:
>>'Planet of the Spiders'     (inducing fear in spiders - really!!).

Orinoco wrote:
>It's true. I'm terrified of spiders, and was alive when PotS was shown
>(just). My mum says they would have watched Dr Who at that time, so I
>was exposed as a minor and scarred for life by this story

Yes, it's one of the earliest stories I remember seeing first time round.
Unlike like you it did not induce a fear of spiders in me.  I am, however,
shit scared of Buddhists.

Gareth Thomas  3/2/00


[Subject: Re: The December/January Quote File!]

R.J. Smith  wrote:
>Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically
>all the smartest, wittiest most entertaining stuff coillected off
>rec.arts.drwho ...

And no ME ?!?!!!!

This is an outrage. I have done lots of funny stuff and I am very funny.
Everybody thinks Im funny and they like me as well. I do lots of
'stonkingly' funny stuff, like putting things in quotes, attacking
people at ad hominim random and for no good reason and even ending my
jokes with a exclamation so you can tell exactly where they are!

I demand to be in the quot file, and will sent the Horns of Nimon after
you if I'm not! !!!!

Dave Stone  4/2/00


[Subject: Re: The December/January Quote File!]

In article 
Keith Brookes  wrote:

>R.J. Smith  wrote in message


>Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! I'm not funny!

Oh good, you've finally come out of denial.

Marcus Durham  4/2/00


[Subject: Re: Looking for Logopolis]

Orinoco wrote:
>>Look up in the sky, somewhere in the constealltion of Leo there is a
>>speck of light.

Robert Smith?  wrote:
>I'm looking, but I can't see it.

>I can't even see Mettula Oriosis.

>/cries in the corner for a while

And in a few months' time, R.J. Smith will be stripping down to his
camisole knickers.  Can't wait. :)

Meddling Mick 4/2/00


Lance Parkin wrote:

>>Er ... why?

>>I'm not trying to cause trouble, but like I say, I just find
>>it astonishing that I'm causing a fuss when I
>>say that there's self-referential stuff in Doctor
>>Who and it doesn't take itself too seriously.

>>I genuinely thought I was saying something
>>as 'controversial' as 'Dudley Simpson
>>did some of the incidental music' or
>>'sometimes they go to other planets'.

>>Is this really even up for discussion?


Daniel Frankham  wrote:
>You do realise you're in radw, don't you?
>Anyway, enough of that. What I really
>want to know is: how come your posts
>always seem to start out wide and
>get skinnier and skinnier as
>you get towards the

I've got one of those triangular monitors,
like they do on This Island Earth.


Lance Parkin  7/2/00


Aggie-Tom wrote
>Genesis of the Daleks is one of the most serious of Doctor Who stories

particularly that scene in part 3 where Harry gets attacked by a
cornish pastie.

Ed Stradling  7/2/00


[Subject: Re: Five Doctors dumbness II: or rather, Lungbarrow dumbness, or
rather I'm an irritating pedantic bastard]

Andrew J. Brook  wrote:
> Why didn't Susan say something like "Agh! Rassilon! You evil bastard! You
> overthrew my grandfather!" or some such?

Because she was preoccupied with why her grandfather looked and sounded and
acted so differently, and why he seemed to remember all his lines.  Had she
been present for his botching up pi past the third decimal place, she may
have been reassured somewhat.

Rufus T. Firefly  7/2/00


Exorse wrote:
> >I mean, if the Tardis has information on Uranus

Fish Eye No Miko  wrote:
> Must...  Not make...  Obvious...  Joke...

I'd like to nominate this for the quotefile because it's something
that's never happened here before and it deserves to be preserved for
future generations.

Allen Robinson  9/2/00


[Subject: Re: Where's the FAT?]

Paul Harman  wrote:
>Has anyone seen the FAT (Frequently Argued Threads) posted recently?

I've been working out.

But really, it wouldn't be a very pretty sight these days, would it?

(In summary...)

1. UNIT Dating

1.2 <"I'm from 1980">



1.5 You are a pro-McCoy troll. Into the killfile.

2. What is the Doctor's name?
2.1 <"Doctor Who" references in the b&w years>

2.2 <"You'd never be able to pronounce it.">

2.3 <"Feet! Feet O'Sigma!">


2.5 You are a pro-McCoy troll. Into the killfile.

3. Is the Valeyard the Doctor?
3.1 <"...from between his 12th and final regenerations">

3.2 <"But then how could he take the Doctor's regenerations if he was
the Doctor?">

3.3 <"...theory suggested in the novels that the 7th Doctor 'killed'
the 6th to prevent...">

3.4 You are a pro-McCoy troll. Into the killfile.

And so on.

Daniel Frankham  10/2/00


[Subject: Re: Things That NEVER happen in Dr Who]

> 6) The Daleks win.

Well they DID conquer the Earth. Couldn't hold onto it, but hey, they were
on top for a while. Hmm...

CRANKINESS OF THE DALEKS- A space station is invaded by a group of elderly
Daleks who spend most of the episode reminiscing about the "good old days,
when we were the mas-ters of Earth and the Doc-tor was no-where to be

Bokman7757  10/2/00


[Subject: Re: I'm 17 next Thursday]

Cameron Mason  wrote:
> So what are you all gonna get me?!

For your seventeenth season, I suggest either:

i)an all-expenses paid trip to Paris
ii)a fist-fight with string-wigged beauties in a Dorset quarry
iii)meaningful physical contact with an engorged cylindrical objet
v)a visit to the pantomime
vi)starting something you'll never finish

It may not seem like much now, but in years to come you'll look back
with fondness! 11/2/00


>> But pi is 3.14159235...., so rounding it to 4dp it *is* 3.1416

TobiasVaughn said:
> Yes, and no doubt Letts & Sloman only had the rounded version to hand
> when they wrote the script, and didn't know it was rounded.  The
> Doctor is trying to derive pi to as many decimal places as possible,
> to block his mind from BOSS (and he continues soundlessly moving his
> mouth after 3.1416).

THE DOCTOR: 3.1416... [continues to mumble under his breath]




THE DOCTOR: No, I'm sure it's six.  3.1416318--

      PLACES IS 3.1415927.

THE DOCTOR: No, I'm sure it's 3.1416--






THE DOCTOR: Si-- um, er, what were we talking about?


THE DOCTOR: No, before that.


THE DOCTOR: Well, I shouldn't worry about it.  Probably nothing


[THE DOCTOR exits.]

William December Starr  11/2/00


[Subject: Re: More Suggestions BBC Books Would Rather Not Recieve]

Ed Jefferson  wrote:
>>1. I always thought that you never used one character enough- the
>>policeman from the mist in An Unearthly Child. So I've written a novel
>>about his adventures. (Tell a lie, it's 50 novels) YOU WILL PUBLISH ME

Andrew J. Brook  wrote:
>I have a suspicion that one of these days some author will actually publish
>a book where the man in question turns up briefly.

"I always felt responsible, somehow," said the elderly man. "I should
have got to the bottom of it right there and then. But it was cold and
the air was damp, and my shift was almost over, so I just walked on.
Two days later I heard the story on the radio and realised..."

He stared sadly into the past. Finally, he spoke again. "The school
records said that was where the girl lived, absurd as it was. I don't
believe it, but the place meant something, it was being used for
something, which she and they were involved in. And when they found
the schoolteachers' car outside the place, you see, it was clear there
must've been some kind of foul play. I'd felt it that night, the night
before it all happened. I don't know what it was, a kind of
electricity in the air, a feeling like ice cold water trickling down
the spine.

"I don't think it was a premonition, don't believe in that nonsense.
It was... there was something there, some part of it all was already
happening the night before, even though they were all at the school
the next day as if nothing untoward was going on. To this day I don't
know what it was, but there was something in that damned junkyard that
night, something at the heart of the whole affair, and I felt it, and
I shone my torch in there for a moment and walked on.

"Perhaps it was a kind of fear. Everything in the place seemed
perfectly normal, but there was a sense that somehow... somehow
something that I was looking at was more than it seemed, as though in
that yard there was a... a presence of something... a link to
something alien... No, that's silly, it was just the fog and the cold
and the silence, of course.

"The silence? No, there was a hum. I must've spent weeks searching the
place afterward. Never heard it again. But it was there that night,
and it was gone when the kid and the teachers disappeared, as though
it had gone with them... Sometimes I think it wasn't what I was
looking at that struck me so oddly, it was that hum which lent the
scene that sense of...? Well, whatever it was. I'm sorry, I'm not very
good at telling stories. Not even true ones.

"What do I think happened? Well, I don't know. I have my theories, of
course. When the schoolteachers turned up a couple years later, with
no sign of the girl... Well, in the end I decided it must be something
to do with spies. They said the girl was foreign. I think those two
school teachers were in the pay of someone, maybe our side, maybe
someone else, and someone wanted that girl got rid of, and those
teachers did it. Then when they came back, of course, they became
involved in that top secret government thing, and you couldn't get at
them, murder investigation or no. I pressed, of course, and I don't
doubt for a moment that it hurt my career. Things started to go badly
for me, then, and it was made clear that they'd go badly for me as
long as I kept pressing.

"In the end I had to leave the force. I couldn't bear the fact that I
knew these bastards had done *something* to the girl, and I couldn't
do anything about it. That some damn cloak and dagger nonsense was
making them immune from what should have been coming to them.

"It's preyed on my mind ever since. Until yesterday, of course,
officer. Now I feel free of it all, for the first time since that
night in 1963 when I walked past when I should have walked in. I don't
much care what happens now, it's all... epilogue, if you like. The
story is over, as far as I'm concerned, and it ended how it had to

"It took some doing, but eventually I found where they were living -
and they were living high in their damned Mayfair mansion, despite--.
But well, you know the rest. I've no regrets. They deserved to die for
what they did to that girl."

Daniel Frankham  12/2/00


[Subject: Re: The Secret Diary of Adrian Davros, aged....?]

Daniel O'Mahony  wrote:
>Now that we can see 'Genesis' in all its splendour on a proper TV channel
>again, has anyone been persuaded by 'The Nth Doctor's speculation that
>Davros is only 12 years old in this story?

Let's examine the evidence:

* He's got a horrifying facial and bodily affliction.

* He's torn between wanting supreme power in his group and fantasising
about killing everyone in the universe.

* He does cruel experiments on mindless creatures.

* The only time he can get girls to talk to him is to tie them to a bench
and torture them.

* His voice rises in pitch alarmingly when he gets excited.

* He spends all his time with one hand down his pants.

Sounds about right to me.

Robert Smith?  13/2/00


[Subject: Re: Things That NEVER happen in Dr Who]

Throwing open the door, The Brigadier stalked into the wreckage of the
Doctor's Laboratory. So great was the devestation, that he nearly
forgot his reason for coming in. "Doctor!" He demanded, "Do you have a
licensce for that television?"

"Piss off, ya fascist tool!" The Doctor barked through a mouthful of
curry, "I'm trying to watch the bloody match!" Crinkling up his empty
beer, he bounced it off the Brigadier's exposed forehead.

Wiping his rapidly warming brow clean, the Brigadier fumed. "There's a
detector van outside, and they are not at all pleased!" He waved his
swagger stick towards the window in an accusing manner, managing to neatly
topple a row of half-empty liquor bottles. They exploded one by one as
they met the floor, discharging a collection of soggy cigarette snubs.

"Look you!" The Doctor shot back, "I'm the bloody Doctor, right!" The
takeaway carton in his hand wobbled, threatening to spill its brown-sauced
contents across the floor. " I travel through time and meet all the
interesting people in history. If I hadn't given you lot the idea for
television you never would have got it in the first place, so don't go
expecting me to go paying some sodding licensce fee to use my own
invention, or I'll pop back in time and make sure your parents never met!"

"But what do I do about the men in the detector van, Doctor!"

"F*** EM'!" The Doctor declared, slamming his dinner to the floor. "And
don't come back in here unless you've got more beer!" He tossed himself
bodily onto the sofa, causing two of the legs to break off. "And F*** You

As the brigadier left the lab, he fingered his gun quietly, wondering just
how many bullets it would take to regenerate the Doctor as someone other
than Adrian Edmonson.

SFX: Dramatic music sting

Chris Sutor  13/2/00


[Subject: Re: Cybermen Box Set]

Gordon  wrote:
>The Doctor Who shop are claiming that there will be a cybermen box set
>in November.

I didn't even know they played cricket.......

Richard Molesworth  14/2/00


BULLDOG  said:
> Does anyone know what the gizmo thing the Doctor used to hypnotise
> the Peladon Monster in 'The Curse of Peladon' was called

A piece of white cardboard with the words "IF YOU CAN READ THIS THEN
YOU'RE HYPNOTIZED, MATEY!" on it.  Fortunately the Monster was both
literate and highly gullible.

William December Starr  15/2/00


Keith Brookes wrote:
>>>Are all the novelisations true to the stories, or do they make up stuff
>>>they go?

Aggie-Tom"  wrote:
>>The first part of "The Daleks" by Ian Whitiker was completely made up.

Stephen Watson wrote:
>As opposed to the bits that were all true?

Well, he thinks the book was written by "Ian" Whitaker, so I guess he must
found that first-person narrative *really* convincing!

Corey Klemow  15/2/00


Nyctolops wrote:
> Ben and Polly.  I don't remember what Polly did, but Tegan was the
> airline stewardess.

Polly put the kettle on.

Vick3ie 16/2/00


[Subject: Re: BBC]

The Doctor >> We know BBC is online.  Are they listening to us ??

Allen Robinson wrote:
>> Absolutely. Something like 57 percent of the people in Who newsgroups
>> are actually cleverly-disguised BBC employees. At least one popular IRC
>> channel has been so heavily infiltrated that there are no actual fans
>> still chatting there. And I heard the other day from a guy who knows
>> the second cousin of the woman who does Steve Roberts' wife's hair
>> that they're currently working on modifying their detector van
>> equipment to monitor our thoughts. If I were you, I'd keep wearing the
>> tinfoil hat.

The Doctor  I thought this was a DW Fan Group, NOT

In defense of Mr. Robinson, whom I've known for many years, let's
compare your original post and his response.

You said: "We know BBC is online.  Are they listening to us ??"

Reference is made to the BBC, but there would appear to be no actual
Doctor Who content in evidence. On topic quotient (OTQ) of the post: 0.

Mr. Robinson's Response: "Absolutely. Something like 57 percent of the
people in Who newsgroups are actually cleverly-disguised BBC employees.
At least one popular IRC channel has been so heavily infiltrated that
there are no actual fans still chatting there. And I heard the other
day from a guy who knows the second cousin of the woman who does Steve
Roberts' wife's hair that they're currently working on modifying their
detector van equipment to monitor our thoughts. If I were you, I'd keep
wearing the tinfoil hat."

Note the separate and discrete references to Who newsgroups and IRC
channels. Also note the passing reference to Steve Roberts, famous as a
member of the *Doctor Who Restoration Team*. So far, the post appears
to be very much on topic, with an OTQ of 3. What seems to have eluded
you here is the final two sentences, which contain a wealth of subtle
references to classic Doctor Who stories. Note the reference to the
detector van, as mentioned in that fine 7th Doctor story "Remembrance
of the Daleks". Even more subtle, perhaps, is the reference to tinfoil,
which appears in several stories. Tinfoil is a major design element of
the much-underrated 6th Doctor epic "Timelash", is seen in various
Cybermen stories, and is also wrapped around the cute little booties of
those adorable killer robots in the 4th Doctor's "The Robots of Death".
These bring the OTQ up to a 7. Finally, add the reference to a tinfoil
hat, which conjures images of raving nutters, and you have a sentence
which not only reminds the reader of an element seen in virtually ever
Doctor Who story since 1963, but serves as light-hearted commentary on
the fact that you, sir, are a complete and utter looney.

Yours, etc,

Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart (Mrs.)
In a white wine sauce with shallots and clotted cream.

Allen Robinson  17/2/00


Pope Snarky wrote:
>>I can't say about Hartnell -- I missed that regen, what *can* I say? --
>>but as for Colin, I don't recall that Davison's clothes *did* fit him...

> But he sat up in Davison's clothes.  I think they must have stretched
> a little bit at least.

Which is far better than the other option of him sitting up, followed by a
massive ripping sound as his new body finds it can't fit into the clothes,
leaving a large, angry, naked Time Lord sitting in a pile of shredded
cricket whites. Would you *really* have wanted to see that?

Simon Exton 22/2/00


Daniel Frankham wrote:
>> Hah! When I was a lad, the only way to kill a vampire was to get one
>> of its victims to drive three iron stakes through the lid of its
>> coffin, through it, and into the earth beneath - making sure the
>> stakes pinned down its body - between sunset and moonrise. And then
>> the victim, in order to get better, had to scoop up some of the blood
>> that oozed out and smear it all over the wounds in their neck.

Chris Rednour  wrote:
>HAH-AH-HAH! When *I* was a lad, the only way to kill a vampire was to have
>a virgin on a white horse ride through the infected area, and find the
>vampire.  Then 6 just men had to remove the sleeping vampire from his
>coffin and prop him up against the trunk of a dead evergreen tree where
>the virgin would take a pike made of pure silver and run the vampire
>through his heart and pinning him to the tree.  The local priest would
>then have to cut off his head, and all eight people involved in the
>killing would have to stick a clove of garlic in either the vampire's
>mouth or neck stump.  The 6 just men then had to ride to the nearest
>crossroads, with the head borne attatched to the riderless white horse's
>sadle, bury the head, then ride back to the dead tree, whereupon the
>virgin would light fire to the tree and burn both the tree and the body.
>And it all had to be done between dusk and nightfall.

Yeah? Well, when I was a kid, the only way to kill a vampire was to
remove its coffin from the earth, open it up, hack off the vampires
arms and legs, put the legs where the arms are supposed to be and vice
versa, fill up the coffin with soil from consecrated ground, place
seven hundred and seventy-seven four-leaf clovers on the dirt, close
the lid, turn it upside down, rebury it, fill in the hole with more
consecrated earth, pour on a bucket of holy water, carve a pentagram
on the ground above it, and then drive an iron stake twelve cubits
long into the ground, so that three cubits remain poking out.

During a total eclipse of the sun.

Daniel Frankham  23/2/00


>>>Anyone else think that Keff McCullogh's incidental music sounds like
>>>bad porn music? Especially the Battlefield stuff?

>>Now we finally know what the production team had on their minds
>>because it certainly was not Doctor Who.

Fett2002  wrote:
>hmmmm...maybe it was for that unfinished story, "Orgasm of the Daleks"

Yeah.  Pity we'll never see the climax to that one.

(Meddling) Mick Gair  24/2/00


[Subject: Re: What happened to the Doctor & Benny audio]

Ben Goudie wrote:
>As (I believe) the NAs are NOT canonical, and the BF dramas are (and well
>they deserve that title), will a NABF be canonical?

E-mail me when you've decided one way or the other, won't you? It's pretty
vital that we know as soon as possible.

Paul Cornell  24/2/00


[Subject: MS Word spellcheck is a pro-McCoy troll]

So if I were the 6554th one I would stick it in my kill file or - if that's
too abstract a concept for such as he - delete all traces of the pernicious
software from my C Drive forthwith.

I was just putting down some jottings for an Invasion of Time review (which
you can acquire sometime soon at a WH Smiths near you, if you fight past the
bands of unwashed ne'er-do-wells who read the magazines for free) when I
felt it necessary to invoke the real-life name of the Seventh Doctor.  It
occurred that *his* name got passed by autocheck whilst *my* first name
always gets a disapproving red underline; and when I follow up with a proper
spellcheck is changed by default to "Garret" or occasionally "Garter".

Being bored shitless (I *had* just been watching Invasion Of Time after all)
I did a spellcheck on all the Doctors' names to see what MS Word would
*prefer* they were called.  The results were illuminating:

William Hearten
Patrick (no spelling suggestions)
Jon Partway
Tom Baker
Peter Division
Colin Baker
Sylvester McCoy
Paul Megan

Now apart from the Bakers - whose surnames double as bread-manufacturers so
you'd expect them to go through - the only other Doctor to pass the
spellcheck muster was Sylvester McCoy.  Why should that be?  Some may say
coincidence, but I am not so complacent.  I smell Bill Gates' handiwork in
all this.

Mark my words: Sylvester McCoy is going to be written into the core
programming of Windows 2000.

Gareth Thomas  25/2/00


Gareth Thomas :
>Mark my words: Sylvester McCoy is going to be written into the core
>programming of Windows 2000.

That's it then. The domination of software that Microsoft as thus far
is doomed. It's over.

Alan S. Wales  25/2/00


Gareth Thomas wrote:
> Mark my words: Sylvester McCoy is going to be written into the core
> programming of Windows 2000.

I can just see the blue screen..
"This pRRRRogram has perFORmed anEEEEEEVIL opeRRRRRATion from

And the ? key will stick every time you press it.

Rufus T. Firefly  25/2/00


[Subject: Re: Worst Writer]

The official unbiased millenium nominees for worst writers of Doctor Who:
at your own risk)

Terrance "Chapter 2: The Green Monster" Dicks for some very poor

Kate "and for my next torture" Orman for getting very monotonous by her

Eric "If it makes no sense, I love bananas" Saward for writing things that
no sense.

Terry "I'm out of ideas here, folks" Nation for using the same plot over and
over again.

Paul "if it's stupid, it was probably my idea" Cornell for such horrible
plotting as the baby that appears out of thin air.

Kevin "I'll just borrow a few scenes from that other story" Clarke for
lack of imagination.

Robert "heck, Terry did it" Holmes for recycling plots.

Douglas "humour is always appropriate" Adams for forgetting he was working
Doctor Who.

Jonathan "I got my Doctor Who books published and now I'm sitting over at
table" Blum for writing books that have no resemblance to Doctor Who.

Lawrence "there's no such number as 3, and many other things you believed to
true are also just a figment of your imagination" Miles for interfering with

Donald "I'll shoot 'em all - but first, a song" Cotton for The Gunfighters,
especially the song.

Pip "he said" and Jane "she said the same thing in a different but still as
boring way" Baker for some of the silliest and cringeworthy scenes in the

Glen "let me see if I can find an anagram for hat slime" McCoy for exposing
to Timelash.

John "Oh yeah?  I'll show you!" Peel for twisting Dalek history into an
unrecognizable mess.

Ben "maybe I'll finish it tomorrow" Aaronovitch for the worst story endings.

Geoffrey "that fish stole my drugs, dude!" Orme for that very strange

Lance "now this one will really confuse them" Parkin for writing stories
don't fit in anywhere.

Malcolm "I've never seen Doctor Who, but I'll throw something together for
by this afternoon" Clarke for the horrendous script.

Paul "a plot!  a plot!  my kingdom for a plot!" Magrs for neglecting to
a plot.

Andrew "I've had my apple, so no Doctor today!" Cartmel for forgetting to
include the Doctor in his books.

Barry "ummm....ummm....ummm..." Letts and Robert "anyone got another joint?"
Sloman for The Time Monster.

Anthony "So basically cavemen speak British" Coburn for the last three
of the first story.

Graham "we need to get six episodes written by morning or we're for the
Williams for the waste of time.

David "I'm a Cyberman and I'm OK" Banks for wrongly thinking that he could
actually write.

And last but not least:
Bill "Do you have any more of those pretty pink pills for me, Nurse?" for
sharing his hallucination with us.

Exorse  26/2/00


[Subject: Re: Here's a funny thing: The Evil Of The Daleks]

>>> There is nothing "funny" about The Evil of the Daleks. If David
>>> Whittaker had *meant* it to be funny he would have put jokes in it...

Charles Daniels  wrote in message
>> Ummmm
>> So you mean all those bits with the Daleks playing trains
>> was suppose to be horrific and gripping?

Rufus T. Firefly  wrote:
> Just be grateful the Daleks didn't find any... BOARD GAMES!!!!!
> Think of the nightmares...





Charles Daniels  26/2/00


Chris Cwej wrote:
>>>>I would if I actually thought that it was worth it but in recent
>>>>months I've been less than impressed with the comic strip. The latest
>>>>"epic" is sadly rather dull so far (I know we're only two parts in but
>>>>I've got a pretty good idea of what will be happening next I think)

Alan Barnes  wrote:
>>> Go on, then. Put your money where your mouth is. What *will* be
>>> next, d'you think? :-)

Chris Cwej wrote:
>>Let me see, it's a story concerning religion and a few stories back we had
>>bible basher with a habit of shrinking people. I wonder, could the Master
>>possibly be involved. Probably trying to set himself up as a god or
>>something. That page that the Doctor recognised, could be in some
>>Gallifreyan dialect I suppose which would explain why he recognises it
>>it would tie in with the Master). We'll have the obligatory "revealing the
>>Master" cliff-hanger and probably the penultimate one will be the Master's
>>plans coming together nicely with "no way for the Doctor to stop them".

>>The other possible Master option is that he actually JOINS the Doctor for
>>while, having discovered religion and become a do-gooder (and from the
>>people that "regenerated" the Doctor I wouldn't count this out as a
>>possibility, though it's probably unlikely). However, if this is the case
>>then he'll either turn bad again at the end of the story or finally
>>sacrifice himself to save the Doctor as the original Master was going to
>>have done before Roger Delgado died.

Alan Barnes wrote:
>... which is pretty much what you're *supposed* to think at this (very
>early) stage. Next month's cliffhanger, however, might just cause you to
>reconsider. 26/2/00



Gillian Walker  wrote:
>My sister looks very like Bonnie Langford, but she has a screaming fit
>whenever anyone tells her so (which is why I do at every opportunity).

This must only make the resemblance greater, surely.

Robert Smith?  26/2/00


[Subject: Re: The future of Benny]

>>From what they said at Gallifrey, they have the rights to
>>Bernice, Braxiatel, Jason, Wolsey, and that's pretty much it. No
>>People, Emil, Chris, et cetera.

Ploobis  wrote:
>Ooh, does this mean we'll get a lot of vague references to the NA's in
>addition to the vague references to Who continuity?

>...Benny remembered that time she fought the aliens shaped like
>pepperpots in that big sphere-type thing with the guy who looked like
>an angel and the woman whose name was just a seemingly random jumble of
>consonants and exclaimation points....
>     -- excerpt from "The Gods of Twilight," a Big Finish New-ish

Is this the first example of a  book series based on an audio series
based on a book series based on a book series based on a television
programme? 'Spin off' doesn't begin to cover them, really, does it?

Lance Parkin  27/2/00


Phil Cook  wrote:
>The daleks hey, ohh they're mean - but ever so slightly cool. Davros - a
>after my own heart, scientific, evil - beautiful (except in the eighties
>when he gets that ridiculous big blue third eye - he looks a right twat
>then) Does davros actually have legs in that chair or is he just a trunk -
>makes you think doesn't it? Maybe he is just a trunk attactched to a large
>cauliflower - stranger things have happened! Anyway, what does davros do
>with his other hand? hmm - no wonder hes going blind!

Another refreshingly erudite post from one of our learned students.

Gareth Thomas"  27/2/00


Reply with words, numbers or slurs.  All items are overpriced and
in a condition I classify as "Very VERY EXTREMELY Sad".  Buyer pays
in money.

DW= Doctor Who  ST= Star Trek  SW= Star Wars


Bed Games
Shake Up
Unfair Peace
Boy Soldiers (In Bondage)
Infinite Requirements
Naughty Sin
Penis Rising
White Chocolate
Titantic - Revenge of The Iceberg
Con Nuns With A Drum
Knot Future
St. Anthony's Porno Mag

Moth Optera -
Darwin A-Go-Go
Venusian Punk Rock
The Crystal Bruce Phallus
The Robots of Crime
The Ghosts of Inner-Space
Chime of Your Wife
Prancing the Dodo
The Mean Giraffe
Stuff Shock
The Sorcerer's Prince
Evasion of the Cat People
The Empire of My Ass
Lords of Norm
The Man in the Kinky Mask
The Finnish Way of Death
The Lie of the Giant
The Blotto
Burning Heart Of Pepto-Absymal
The Snark Path

On Target Books
An Unruly Child
The Dustbins
Michael Palin
The Pleas of Fairness
The Labtechs
The Serves You Right
Plan It You Spy Ants!
The Dustbin Vacation on Earth
The Woman
The Weird Planet
The Cruel Sades
Galaxy Fun
The Piss Takers
The Sexual Toymaker
The Ginfighters
The Cabbages
The Snugglers
The Tense Planet
The Adorable Teletubbies
The Ice Cream Vendors
The Enema of the World
The Tube of Cute
The Dominatrix
The Evasion
The Protons
Head From Ace
The Amabassadors of Sex
Error of the Autons
The Beard of Evil

The 2nd Doctor Monster Orgy Book
The Completely Useless Blank Colouring Book
The 12.5th Doctor
Snort Trips
The DW Crookbook
DW: The Surly Years
Find Your Fate #1: You Are A Shark Doctor Who In The Cave Of Time!
The Complete Doctor Who Illustrations of Gareth Jenkins

85 Nude Poster of Peri + article "Can The Doctor Fuck?"
86 Nude Poster of Jo Grant + article "Would The Doctor Fuck?"
87 Nude Poster of Sil + article "What Would The Doctor Fuck?"
88 Nude Poster of Jon Pertwee + "Would The Doctor Fuck Himself?"
89 Nude Poster of Ian Levine + article "Would He Fuck ANYTHING?!"
90 Nude Poster of Lawrence Miles + "Why Faction Paradox Is Fucked!"


The Celestial Toyroom (Fan Club Of Pasadena)  March 1985
The Celestial Toyroom (Fan Club Of San Francisco) April 1996
The Celestial Toyroom (Fan Club Of Phoenix) Dec 1996
The Celestial Toyroom (Fan Club Of Miami) Jan 97
The Celestial Toyroom (Fan Club Of Detriot) Mar 97
The Celestial Toyroom (Fan Club Of Vancouver) Jan 98
The Celestial Toyroom (Fan Club Of Alpha Centauri) Kuix 99,999 CR
NOT THE Celestial Toyroom (Fan Club of ?????) ??????

(Marvel) Doctor Who Versus X-Men

Doctor Who Toilet Paper circa 1975 w/Tom Baker's face

Actual crack cociane, call the the Doctor's beeper

Charles Daniels  1/3/00


Exorse wrote:
>The bomb would still have come into existence, but instead of figuring out
>E=MC2 through math, they would have figured it out through trial and error

Let's just pause a moment and ponder the concept of nuclear weapons
research conducted by trial and error.

Well that's better. I wasn't planning to sleep tonight anyway.

>which is pretty much how most things are invented anyway.

Yes, by trial and error experimentation on the part of people who have
at least a basic grasp of the theory involved.

No amount of trial and error experimentation will produce a perpetual
motion machine - the mutterings of tinfoil-hatted would-be inventors
to the effect of oil companies suppressing the truth notwithstanding.

James Bennetts  1/3/00


David J Howe wrote...

>> Hi all

>> Just uploaded the covers for


Cameron Mason wrote...
> How rude is it!!!

Well, I don't want to speculum- er, speculate as to twat- sorry, *what*
this is a picture of beaver- I mean *before* I've read the bush- the
*book.* That would be a discervix- ahem, *disservice* to the author,
Trever Box- er *Baxingdale.*  And I don't want to take the labia- oops,
*liberty* to make quim- ack, *quick* judgements based on one monstrous
vagina- wait, I mean- oh, screw it..

Rufus T. Firefly"  2/3/00


[Subject: Re: Junior Doctor Who Books]

_Junior Doctor Who and the Happy Endings_

The Doctor's friend Benny gets married to her boyfriend Jason. Jason and
Benny kiss and nothing else.

_Junior Doctor Who and the Eternity Weeps_

A lot of people get sick, but luckily for them, the Doctor is a hero, so
he makes them well again. Jason and Benny have a fight, but learn that
it's always best to be friendly and nice to each other.

_Junior Doctor Who and the Man in the Velvet Mask_

Dodo meets some people who like to dress up and play games. The Doctor
meets the Marquis de Sade, who is very polite.

_Junior Doctor Who and The Eight Doctors_

Losing his memory, the eighth Doctor travels back through his past
lives, teaching each one a valuable life lesson. Meanwhile, Sam learns
that drugs are bad and doesn't even drink Coke.
        [Publisher's note: this book may have been published
        in this form already]

_Junior Doctor Who and the Scarlet Empress_

The Doctor and Sam meet lots of interesting people, who can do MAGIC!
The Doctor likes to read.

_Junior Chris Cwej and the Dead Romance_

The nice young Chris meets the pleasant girl next door, Christine.
Together they make friends, see the universe and discover that life is
pretty good.

_Junior Doctor Who and the Transit_

Some trains go by. A three page book.

Robert Smith?  2/3/00


[Subject: Re: Junior Doctor Who Books]

_Junior Doctor Who and the Zeta Major_
[Davison sequel to a Tom Baker story, starring Nyssa and Tegan.]

The Doctor goes to visit some old friends and is glad to find them a
peaceful lot with an open-minded tolerance of other people's
viewpoints.  Nyssa doesn't get turned into an anti-matter werewolf monster
at all.

_Junior Doctor Who and the Goth Opera_
[Davison sequel to a Tom Baker story, starring Nyssa and Tegan.]

The Doctor fights some bad people who stay up past their bedtimes!
Nyssa doesn't get turned into a slavering bloodsucking vampire at all.

_Junior Doctor Who and the Sands of Time_
[Davison sequel to a Tom Baker story, starring Nyssa and Tegan]

The Doctor learns many interesting things about ancient Egypt and
discovers that it's always good to study history.  Nyssa doesn't get
turned into a dessicated 2000-year-old mummy at all, and certainly isn't
getting sick of going through more traumatic metamorphoses than Third
Stuntman On The Left in your average season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

_Junior Doctor Who and the Timewyrm: Genesis_

The Doctor encourages young girls to dress modestly and learns that
ancient Mesopotamia was a time of great maturity and political

_Junior Doctor Who and the Warlock_

Being the hero of this series of books, the Doctor appears in this story
a very great deal indeed.  He explains to his friends why it's bad to
experiment with strange substances and suggests that they drink cola

_Junior Doctor Who and the Janus Conjunction_

The Doctor gives his friends a unique and completely accurate science

Finn Clark  3/3/00


[Subject: Re: DBurns is the nicest guy here]

Exorse wrote:
> I haven't seen DBurns post one personal insult,

No indeedy.  Burns' hilarious punnery on people's names (Bulldog
becoming Bullshit sort of thing) - along with his veritably epigrammatic
reduction of William December Starr to "Mister Bill", which just gets
funnier with repetition to the extent that I can no longer open his posts
for fear my head will fall off - is just part and parcel of a master
wordsmith plying his trade.

Gareth Thomas  4/3/00


[Subject: Re: Left-wing Dr Who]

James Bennetts wrote...
>I dunno about the collective mind of the right... (collectivism being
>a lefty concept, right-wingers tend to favour individuality. 8^) )

Hitler's championship of the individual and eschewal of corporatist
economics has been under-represented by historians, I feel.

Gareth Thomas  4/3/00


Waxvax wrote:
>>I was informed that Tom Baker was going to be starring in the upcoming
>>Lord Of The Rings movie (potentially due out this summer).

>> Can anyone comment on this?

J. Garth Wilcox  wrote:
>From what I heard, Tom tried out for Gandalf, but lost out. Tom does
>appear in the Dungons and Dragons movie, out sometime this year.

Director: Right Tom, remember, you play *Gandalf*, the *wizard*. Action!
Frodo: But how will I get to the cracks of doom alone?
Tom: Well, when I was small of course I wanted to be a murderer, Jelly
Baby? Of course there was that time in the bar when we were filming Skaro-
we got completely drunk..
Director:  Hello, is that the D&D movie office? I've got
*someone* perfect for you. Oh no, I'm not the Director of a rival fantasy
movie, no I'm, erm.. Mrs Simmons....

Ed Jefferson  4/3/00


[Subject: Re: An Unearthly Child]

Adric's Silver Star wrote:
> *Hartnell recorded a trailer for BBC radio which ran thus:-
> 'My name is William Hartnell &, as Doctor Who I make my
> debut on Saturday 23 November at 5.15. The Doctor is an
> extraordinary old man from another world who owns a space &
> time machine. He & his granddaughter, Susan (played by
> Carole Ann Ford), have landed in England & are enjoying
> their stay, until Susan arouses the curiosity of two of her
> schoolteachers (played by William Russell & Jacqueline
> Hill). They follow Susan & get inside the ship, & Doctor
> Who decides to leave Earth, starting a series of adventures
> which I know will thrill & excite you every week.

That was Hartnell's script for the ad, but I just happen to have a copy
of the actual studio recordings somewhere.. Ah yes, here it is..

"My name is William Hartnell, and as Doctor Who I make my debut on
Saturday 5.15 November at 23.." ("Cut")

"My name is William Hartnell, and as Doctor Who I make my debut on
November the Saturday on the television.." ("Cut.")

"...The Doctor is an extraordinarily old man from another space who owns
a time and Susan machine..  Where's that nice Jacqueline Hill gone?  Hmm?"

"My name is William Hartnell, and as Doctor Who I'm making my debut..
ha-ha, grandaughter he has with Willam Russterton.." ("Cut!")

"...They follow the ship and get inside Susan, and- oh, ha-ha-ha!!"

"...starting a series of adventures to kill and incite the weak.."

"My name is William Doctor, and as Hartnell Who I-"  ("CUT!!!")

"My name is Doctor oh dear, I'm not wearing any trousers, who stole my
trousers, hmm?"  ("CUT!!  Get me Sid fucking Newman on the fucking

Rufus T. Firefly"  5/3/00


>>>>McGann is the current Doctor NOT McCoy.

Ed Jefferson wrote:
>>> Shut up troll, the current Doctor is Jon Pertwee.

M.H. Stevens wrote:
>>Try Tom Baker!

Ed Jefferson wrote:
>He taste all salty....

I think you tasted the wrong bit of him....

Adam Richards  5/3/00


[Subject: Re: The McCoy era = Good.]

John Pettigrew wrote:
>>Yes, but you said "the show got canned >forever."
>>It didn't.

Fett2002  wrote:
>Has the BBC made any more Dr Who shoes sice the McCoy era?? Uh....NO.
>Nadda. zippo. Nuttin. Game OVER.

Sure they made more Dr. Who shoes. They fit McGann perfectly.

Alan S. Wales  6/3/00


[Subject: Re: The Who novels: Questions]

>>Does anyone know if the BBC considers the original Dr. Who novels

Hte Trasme wrote:
>The BBC has said that there is no officail BBC-Approved Doctor Who canon.

Apart from this not being true, I see nothing wrong with this statement.

Charles Martin  7/3/00


[Subject: Re: An Unearthly Child]

Merlin474822665  wrote:
>I am convinced the Daleks were>instrumental in Dr Who's
>rise to fame, though.

Of course! It all seems so obvious now. Thanks for pointing it out.

Robbie Moubert  7/3/00


William December Starr:
>I heard of someone who actually did that, over in, um,
>Some other newsgroup, anyway.  Poor guy was going _crazy_ trying to
>figure out why none of his articles were showing up at his site, until
>someone suggested he check his killfile, and sure enough he'd put
>himself into it, somehow doing a "put current author in killfile"
>instead of "put current subject in killfile" while it was one of his
>own articles he was viewing...

Snarky: DBurns, the Killfile is not something to be trifled with.
DBurns: I think I am quite capable of handling the technology.
Snarky: I sincerely doubt that.
DBurns: Does it worry you, Snarky, that with it, I shall transform my
PC into a newsreader of unimaginable power!  And with that power at my
disposal, the righteous shall sweep away radw and its impotent quorum
of PMTs!
Snarky:  Okay then.  Look me in the eye.  Click the button.  End my


Fett: Killfile locked in and running!
Dburns:  Now the PMTkillers shall become the Lords of radw!
Fett:  Data - instability!  Primary post release!  Own posts about to
DBurns: No!  This cannot be correct!
Fett:  Killfile returning to poster!  Twenty, nineteen.....
Dburns:  Snarky!  You tricked me!
DBurns:  I said, You tricked me!
Dburns:  Have pity on meeeee!
Dburns:  Hello?  Anyone out there?

Danny Gooley  8/3/00


[Subject: Re: Who Celebrities I Haven't Met]

Gareth G. Jelley Esq. wrote:
>In a tribute to Mark and Lard, I hereby ask you all: Which Who
>celebrities, haven't you met?

I was at a seance and completely failed to contact Hartnell,
Troughton and Pertwee (although Matthew Waterhouse's career did
put in an appearance)

Orinoco  8/3/00


Danny Gooley wrote:
>>(Hi Keith!  Nice to see you around here again!)

Keith Topping wrote:
>Yo, Danny baby, what's happenin'?

Right, well: In the beginning, there was a McCoy Flamewar.  And the
Flamewar was made flesh and dwelt amongst us, and it DBurns us every

Following on from that, we tried out a Canon(icity - this bit is
always silent for some reason) Flamewar and quite enjoyed that.

Then we laughed at Devil Goblins for six or eight months.  But I mean,
who hasn't done that?

From memory, I think we also had a McCoy Flamewar about this time.

There's the Latest Book Flamewar which we keep on a back-burner, and
which only flares up whenever a book-shaped object with the words
"Doctor Who" appearing on the front is released.  The duration of each
flare-up is between one month and six years.

Concurrent with this, we had a McCoy Flamewar.

Our old friend Azaxyr generated a Christmas gift for the group
consisting of a series of flames which could be enjoyed independently
but which featured an overarching theme for those who wanted to follow
along, generally called the End of Days Flamewar.  Then Azaxyr
vanished in a puff of flame, Exorsising himself from the group.  And
there was much rejoicing.

At about this time, there was a McCoy Flamewar.

In between these incidents, radw has featured ego battles, random
flaming, strange posturing, generic xenophobia, spectacular displays
of rampant stupidity and Karen Jo Nyctolops.

Hmm, something seems out of place there.

Anyway, that's a quick roundup of radw over the last year or so.  No
doubt you're feeling all nostalgic at the moment, so I'll just let you
settle in!  Everyone, let's welcome Keith Topping back in the
customary radw manner.  One, two, three:


Danny Gooley  9/3/00


[Subject: Re: In Fear of a Right Stoning?]

Maul  wrote:
> Like I said, I haven't read much of his work, but I know he
> writes Judge Dredd novels ...

My God, you're right. I hadn't thought of that. So *that's* why, every
time the Doctor steps out of the TARDIS, I have him going 'Die,
scumsucking creeps!' and blowing everyone away with his Lawgiver.

Then again, I think I've written the word 'the' at some point in my
life. So herewith, the start of the one I'm gonna do after HoT:

"The," the The the the. "The the the, the the the-the THE!"

Dave Stone  9/3/00


[Subject: Snippets from the EDA future]

These are snippets from future interviews with editor or editors of the


" . . . I think we've made him stronger, tougher . . . he's a man of virtue
and courage.  It's how we always envisaged the character"


" . . . He always had that human aspect . . . always had that look in his
eyes that made you think he was a human being.  And while I know it might be
controversial, I think the fams will enjoy the direction were taking"


" . . . but I think expressing the character sexually is what we've always
wanted to do.  And I think it's what the fans want.  In any case it opens
the character up to a whole new range of possibilities."


" . . . yes, I can reveal here that she is pregnant.  But more surprises are
on the way."


" . . . bringing back the Robots of Luxor had nothing - and I repeat  -
*nothing* to do with me!"


" . . . do I regret it?  No looking back I think the penis enlargement was
important to the characters developement.  I know it seemed a bit odd,
considering what we know about the character, but . . . sometimes one needs
to experiment."


" . . . the TARIDS?  I'm sorry . . . what are you talking about?  What's a


" . . . it's a shame I suppose.  But market forces have forced us to close
the book range  At the same time I stand by the previous editors decision
that killing the Doctor in 2001 and replacing him with Adric was not the
death of the series.  I mean the books lasted for another seven years after
that huge change.  And some of the stories in between we'll be noted as


" . . . we are so happy to have the rights to produce original Doctor Who.
I've always loved the essential Britishness of the series.  The small
budgets.  The tight plotting of the stories.  Portmeirion. And Leo McKern
was always my favourite Doctor."


"Ask me one more time if the Virgin books are canon and I'm going to kill

Ian Mond  9/3/00


[Subject: 10 Great Things About 'The Time Monster']

1 One Of The Great Fan Mass Debates Begins

Just imagine all the fun we would have missed out on if Atlantis hadn't
been destroyed for a third time. Now we can spend our days in endless
discussion, trying to reconcile this story with The Underwater Menace
and The Daemons.

2 It Was The Daisiest Daisy I Had Ever Seen

Despite everything, despite the Doctor's cringe-inducing condescending
manner, despite Jo's wittering stupidity, this scene is still rather
effective and quite touching, and is one of the high-points of Pertwee's
tenure. It doesn't quite make up for the preceding five episodes, but it
comes close.

3 The End Of The Equity Acting Strike

As is well known, during the filming of this story, Equity was taking
industrial action and instructing all its actors to 'work to rule' i.e.
the actors should turn up for filming and read their lines but not do any
actual acting whatsoever. However, no-one seems to have told Roger
Delgado this, and he alone bothers to put in a half-decent performance,
the scab splitter! Fortunately the industrial action was resolved half-way
through episode 6 in time for a extremely convincing performance by the
Baby Benton as a pissed-off baby.

4 Introduces Lots Of Ideas Executed Much Better Elsewhere

Whoever wrote The Time Monster thought up lots of imaginative ideas
which have now become quite standard in the show, albiet done much better
elsewhere. The Time Monster is the first proper 'TARDIS' story - that
is, a story where the TARDIS is used throughout, where the story involves
different time periods, and where the idea of the TARDIS is central to
the plot, rather than just being used as transport. So in The Time Monster
we get the idea of two TARDIS materialising inside each other (done much
better in Logopolis), two duelling TARDISes (done much better in Shada)
and people from Earth's history being used to attact the present (done
much better in The Tides Of Time).

5 The Comedy Sequences Are Funny In A Not-Funny Sort Of Way

The Time Monster contains lots of out-and-out comedy sequences, which
fail so badly and fall so flat they cross over into the universe of
anti-comedy and are, therefore, hilarious in their utter ineptness. So we
have the trademark Bewildered Yokel who wanders through most Pertwee
adventures (usually falling off bikes and blinking incredulously at
passing spaceships, 'Oo-ah, these city folk, what will they think up
next!') who invites the audience to laugh /at/ the show, rather than with
it. And the Atlantis sequences are straight out of Up Pompeii.

6 The End Of Bloody UNIT, Hooray!

This story basically marks the end of UNIT (and even then, it only uses
them for three episodes) and marks the low point of the Pertwee era,
after which everything improves dramatically. Whilst the idea of UNIT
works when you're doing gritty, straightforward, set-on-Earth stories, as
soon as you start putting a little imagination or fantasy in the plots
(i.e. Claws Of Axos) the whole concept seems a little ridiculous - and
from now on, the production team will thankfully play up that
ridiculousness. Personally, I don't feel the idea of UNIT fits anywhere
into the format of Doctor Who anyway; he is, after all, an
anti-establishment figure who randomly roams the universe, not a secret
agent working for the British army. So The Time Monster (and The
Mutants) mark the return of Doctor Who proper after two and a half years
of sub-Jason King turgidity.

7 Reminds Me Of A Much Better Story

Episode three, with the Doctor and the Master swapping insults via the
TARDIS scanners, brings back happy memories of The Curse Of Fatal Death,
which did this sort of thing so much better.

8 The First Ever Example Of Retroactive Continuity In A Novelisation

When writing the novelisation, Terrance Dicks decided to put in a
reference to his own 'The Five Doctors' and says the Master is using
TimeScoop technology from the Death Zone on Gallifrey. John Peel, eat your
heart out.

9 A Celebration Of The Irrelevant

The story starts with the Doctor dreaming about the destruction of
Atlantis, seeing the crystal of Kronos and the Master. Well, that was a
lucky dream wasn't it, it's just explained the entire plot. We find out
that Atlantis is in the mediterranean and there has been some volcano
activity. Relevance to rest of story - none. We spend an episode with
the UNIT soldiers fighting things from the past. Relevance to rest of
story - none. We spend an episode with the Doctor and Master chatting in
their respective TARDISes. Relevance to rest of story - apart from a brief
mention of Time Rams, none. The whole sequence with the Time Jamming
bottle. Relevance to rest of story - none. Kronos appearing only to be
put back into the crystal five seconds later. Relevance to rest of story -
none. In fact, it is very difficult to find something that happens which
is /relevant/ to the story, because that supposes there is a story there
in the first place, which there isn't.

10 About Five Seconds Of It Are Convincing

For a couple of shots the destruction of Atlantis is actually quite
effective. And, er... I quite like it.

Jonny EIS  10/3/00


[Subject: Amazing! Interview from the set of the 2008 Dr Who movie]

The Dr Who movie, with it's budget of upwards of 100 million dollars has
been in pre-production for over 5 years now, following intensive script
rewrite and redrafts, and locatrion scouting to such arduous locations
as Barbados and Hawaii. I am privilaged to be able to interview the
director, Steven Spielburg.

On Set Design
"The sets ate up a large amount of our budget. We wanted to appeal to as
wide an audiance as possible, so we sent out questionairres to members
of the public about what they especially liked about the series.One of the
top answers was the wobbly sets. In order to integrate this into the film,
and be as faithful to the original series as possible, our technicians
spent millions developing a process known as 'wobble-time.' The set is
shot from all angles using special cameras. The images are then fed into a
computer with massive processing power, and we end up with a final result
that adds a pleasing wobble. We are also planning to use another new
technique, 'cardboardisation' in post-production, in order to render the
final result as authentic as possible."

On the Casting
"The character of the Doctor will really make or break the film. That is
why we left the casting to the publicity department, whilst we
concentrated on the more vital part of Man In Market. I am confident that
the publicity department made a fine choice to play the Doctor. In order
to gain the maximum publicity possible, it has been decided that 'he' will
be played by a black lesbian actress. She is also dead, with no previous
acting experiance. True, this could make certain scenes difficult, but
this was balanced out against the possible headlines the move could
generate, such as 'Doctor is Dead Good'"

On the Script
"Fair enough, it went through 70 rewrites and 6 different writers, but I
feel that we have finally got the perfect script. There isn't really a
plot as such, but I believe that the audiance no longer wants a good plot,
but instead just lots of special effects, one after another in a
never-ending rollercoaster."

The Enemy
"The descision to include the Daleks in the film was taken at a late
stage, after Paramount threatened a lawsuit if we used the Cybermen,
claiming that they were too close to the concept of the borg. Our lawyers
realised that we could not possible win against such a water-tight case
that was offered. With regard to the design of the Daleks, a lot of the
people questioned in our survey described them as 'funny little
pepperpots.' We decided that we would both pander to the will of the
people, as well as update the look to a 21st century one, by using giant
pepperpots. We also made them more human, giving them personal lives. One
Dalek, which I am particularly proud of, is going through a rather messy
divorce, whilst another is confused as to his own sexuality. Great stuff"

Matt Marshall  11/3/00


>>Has there ever been an historical period that has *never* been covered by
>>series (either in tv, audio, radio play, comics, novels...)?

Chris Sutor   wrote:
>Well, I don't remember the TARDIS ever dropping the Doctor off in the
>middle of the California Surf Culture of the 60's.. Would be keen-o tho.
>Could have The Doctor teach "Big Daddy" Ed Roth to pinstripe..

Oh my GOD.  The images this brings to mind...  McGann, in full costume,
trying to hang ten and windmilling his arms frantically to stay upright...
The Doctor inadvertently coming between Gidget and Moondoggie in a bizarre
love triangle...  Fitz correcting the Doctor on '60s surf slang, when the
Doctor inadvertently drops into the '80s totally-rad-bitchin' variety...
Fun fun fun till Borusa takes the TARDIS away!

Jon Blum 12/3/00


[Subject: Re: Your 1st RADW Post]

Hte Trasme wrote:
>Okay, I'm bored and I want to start a thread. Here goes:

>Let's all repost our first post to rec.arts.drwho. I'll start us off:

Ah, that takes me back...

Subject: Troughton Sux!!!
Date: Nov 6th 1966
Author: Robert Smith? 
Newsgroups: net.drwho

Did you see that new episode of Doctor Who last night? I can't believe
how they've *RUINED* the show that we all love. Bill Hartnell said he
thought it'd run five years. Well, frankly, his haunting and prophetic
words of accuracy looked like they were going to be fulfilled until they
*fired* him (yes, they did, don't believe the cover story, Shaun Sutton is
evil, I'm telling you) and now they've gone into this new whimsical

I mean, just look at the falling ratings! It's obvious that they're
trying to turn viewers away; it's all a conspiracy to lull us into a false
sense of security and then, twenty five years later, they'll cancel it
without us noticing, MARK MY WORDS!

William Hartnell brought dignity and authority and an astounding level
of accurate acting and perfect recall for lines and now they're just
RUINING it with this new bloke. Who wants to watch a TV series with an
eccentric stranger running around manipulating things, with creeping
horror and suspense lurking around every corner? Doctor Who should stick
to what it really is, an educational trip to history, the well-researched
future and gritty realistic action drama like The Web Planet and The

And what's with this new-fangled "rejuvenation", anyway? Are we really
expected to believe that a show can last when they *change* the lead
actor?!? In thirty years time, I guarantee to you there won't even be
a show at all and it'll just be a series of novels, comic strips, audio
adventures, spin-off videos and erotic slash fiction, see if it isn't!

But on the bright side, at least the planet Vulcan has some potential in
a serious and hard-hitting science fiction show. I'm telling you now,
there's some real dramatic potential in having a planet by that name
being mentioned every week in a SF TV drama. And Troughton's costume was
nice, especially his headgear. I'd like a hat like that.

Robert Smith?  12/3/00


Steve Day  wrote:
>How many Doctor Who fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
>None, they just sit around and wait for it to come back on.

Or some sit around in the dark saying how much better it is being able
to stretch their imaginations without the constraints of light.

Marcus Durham  13/3/00


Daniel Frankham said:
> Meglos I hate for its extremely hackneyed sci-fi-ness, with its
> civilisation that exists solely to do a science vs religion conflict
> story, without being believable for a moment. And then there's that
> whole business with the comical mercenaries and the inflatable
> cactus...




(Repeat until patching compound or lungs are exhausted...)

William December Starr  13/3/00


[Subject: Re: Just turned off all my killfiles...]

Pope Snarky  wrote:
>...come on, RADW -- do yer worst!!! ;-)


Which reminds me of that wonderful quote from the Troughton era:

POLLY: "Twat-face... What??"
THE DOCTOR: "Twatfacecuntlickkermotherfuckerblowjob. It's a chant, set
to music - try it!"

THE DOCTOR and POLLY (in unison, while BEN does a hip-hop "beat-box"
impression:) "Twatfacecuntlickkermotherfuckerblowjob!! Twatface
cuntlickkermotherfuckerblowjob!! Twatfacecuntlickkermotherfucker
blowjob!! Twatfacecuntlickkermotherfuckerblowjob! Twatfacecuntlickker
motherfuckerblowjob!! (all three start clapping hands, as the chant

I forget how the rest of this scene, went but I seem to remember that
it all ended with Polly saying something like, "Great, Doctor - hip
hop and rap music can be so groovy!" and the Doctor telling her to
"Shut yer hole, bitch".

Or am I just imagining all that??

Adam Richards 15/3/00


Stephen Wilson  wrote:
>If you could go back in time and bump off Hitler, would the world be a
>better place today?

I wonder if it was all those time travellers trying to kill him that
made Hitler turn nasty in the first place?

Daniel Frankham  17/3/00


[Subject: Re: Hooray for the writers! Questions about the craft]

>>Now we are determinedly set to write for a certain Doctor

Ann  wrote:
> Interesting.... hmm.  :::Rereads:::

> Does that mean that in your contract with Big Finish or BBC Books, or DWM
> magazine you are *only* writing about one particular Doctor for a certain
> amount of pieces (like a reporter or a policeman covering a beat)?  For
> example, are you the designated 6th doctor writer for BF?  Or can you
> about #8 next time, or #1?

"I was working the Sixth Doctor beat ... a rundown, kicked-in-the-shins
side of town, spat on by both the casual viewer and the BBC, but hey, at
least it's full of colourful characters.

"One morning I decided to knock off late and had begun absorbing my lager
through the pores of my skin when SHE arrived. You know the type -- a
screamer when she's tied up, and I don't mean as in busy, sister.

"'Who killed Glitz,' she asked as bits of her swung loosely, leading the
other bits of her as her legs cascading over my desk. Flashback to the
Baker Boys' piano and knew I was in either in love or in trouble.

"'I dunno, sweetheart,' I replied, pulling out both my Magnum and a condom
to keep all bases covered, 'I always thought it was the Heavy Metal

Charles Martin  18/3/00


MAPPY wrote:
>That won't really be necessary.  You'll be out like a light the moment
>it starts playing.  A marathon viewing runs the risk of a permanent

>Actually, the thought of a marathon viewing of The Web Planet would be
>enough to make me induce a coma rather than face such horror....  Those
>sets, the costumes, that acting....  ARGH....  I'm having a
>seizure................................................. . .  .   .  ..
>.. .  .  . .. . . .    . .  . . .     .  . .   .    .. . . .  . .   ..
>. .   . . .  .    .       .                 .

There's someone here who's suffered a serious Hartnell attack !!!

rIcHaRd-G 19/3/00


[Subject: Re: The Mutants vs The Mutants]

Andrew J. Brook  wrote:
> If we now have to refer to "The Daleks" as "The Mutants", what do we
> call "The Mutants"?

"The Longest Day"
"Bob and Dave's Bogus Journey"
"Six Arguments for the Elimination of Television"
"The Origin of Unconsciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind"
"Well *that's* two and a half hours of my life I'll never see again."

Allen Robinson  19/3/00


[Subject: Re: What's wrong with this newsgroup?  When did it go bad?]

DBurns6554 wrote:
>When it became infested with too many Pro-McCoy trolls.

You just know there's a chicken joke struggling to get out here,
don'tcha?  All our pet hobby-horses.....

Question - Why did the chicken cross the road?

DBurns6554: It was trying to get away from the Pro-McCoy Trolls.

Waxvax: It wastnt a chicken it was palinly a gooes!

The Doctor: Satanist Republican chicken ROADKILL!  ho ho ho!

Azaxyr:  Just so you know, McCoy was a useless wanker.

Thornton:  Firstly we need to consider the composition and tensile
strength of the road, as well as the size and directional velocity of
the chicken......

Pettigrew:  Think Christmas Squid in a chicken suit!

Exorse:  You're damn right McCoy was a useless wanker.

Miles:  It didn't.  Yes it did.  No it didn't.  Yes it did, but only
as a chicken skeleton worn by a 6-dimensional hampster.

Miles:  It's got the right idea - I'm off out of this dump.

Smith?:  It was making a beak for freedom?  Actually, we didn't see it
cross the road - Ergon, it didn't.

Rayctate:  Did we see this happen on screen?  I don't think so.
Didn't happen.

Gooley:  One of it's legs were both the same!

Ed:  Wouldn't you cross a road to get to all the lovely chocolate jam
on the other side!

Adam:  You just bloody watch!  Everyone else's response will get into
the Quotefile but mine!  Stupid fucking question anyway....

Parkin:  Because the Doctor gave his life to free it.

Peel:  It didn't.  It was another road....which was really a fake road
going nowhere....and it didn't happen until next a
different chicken anyway.....who was really a hippo in disguise......

Starr:  Because "Revenge of the Chicken-Men" referred to it, so it had
to cross the road to preserve the integrity of narrative continuity.

Daniels:  It was testing out its Holistic Color Theory at the zebra
crossing. That's how it slipped its mortal coil and became an

Finn:  Let's just say it was being hotly pursued by a horny 80-storey
lizard and a man with no nipples carrying a pile of "Playchicken",
shall we?

Daniel Gooley  21/3/00


[Subject: Re: Who runs the quotefile?]

Hmm. So Doctor Who runs the Quotefile, then? Could be

The 1st Quotefile would be somewhat grouchy and bad-tempered,
with a tendency to paraphrase what was actually said in very far
off but somehow accurate ways.

The 2nd Quotefile would seem childlike, full of wonder, and
sometimes scaring the people in it into believing that it had
teamed up with the villainous Kill-File of the day. But in the
end, as surely as it is a poor musician, it would save the day.

The 3rd Quotefile is missing critical portions of its memory due
to a forced hard-drive crash caused by its people, so it teams up
with Microsoft to help rebuild its systems and fight off alien
viruses, all the while giving Bill Gates a bad name and sending
money to anti-software groups. It can be spotted wearing
extravagant Edwardian clothes and inserting bits about daffodills
into everyone's quotes.

The 4th Quotefile is very kooky and weird. Tends to offend its
colleagues, but entrances everyone who sees it from afar. It is
the longest in length.

The 5th Quotefile began life a little unsure of itself, but
emerged as The Quotefile, and proud of it. Battles strife on all
sides, even from the quoted threads within itself.

The 6th Quotefile is somewhat garish. Very good on the inside,
but scares off many potential quotable threads. Cut down in its

The 7th Quotefile is mysterious. Inserts quotes that no one can
trace from anywhere. Plans things in advance. Dances with
Kill-Files in the pale moonlight, but that could just be because
the Kill-Files knew where its spoons were. The written version of
quotefiling was canceled during this version, so most of its data
exists only in the spoken word.

The 8th Quotefile was an international production. Most people
loved this quotefile, but hated some of its quotes.

There have been several rumored 9th Quotefiles, but none

Benjamin F. Elliott  21/3/00


[Subject: Re: The Mutants vs The Mutants]

Andrew J. Brook" wrote:
>>> If we now have to refer to "The Daleks" as "The Mutants", what do we
>>>call "The Mutants"?

Prince Reynart wrote:
>>How about we call 'The Daleks': TDWSFKATDBNKATM, and come up with a funny
>>symbol for it.

Phil Russell writes:
>Or how about "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and
>Became Mixed-Up Nazi Pepperpots?"

"Or how I learned to stop worrying and love Radiation."

Aidan Folkes  21/3/00


Gavin Winters  wrote:
>>If the Black Guardian had gained control of the Key to Time he would
>>have plunged the universe into chaos. Of course, it's quite possible
>>that as a result someone or something else would have ended up
>>destroying the universe anyway, but the Black Guardian wouldn't have
>>done it himself.

Daniel Frankham  wrote:
>ISTR his intention was to set half of the Universe at war with the
>other half for the rest of time. So it would be like Atrios and Zeos

So... it'd be like 'The Armageddon Factor' but not limited to six

Phew, that was a close one!  Thanks Doctor!  :)

(Meddling) Mick Gair  23/3/00


[Subject: Re: Just bought The Daleks]

The whole race or just a task force?

Exorse  25/3/00


[Subject: Re: Ron Grainer inspired Music]

I had no idea he was that old.

Daniel Frankham  26/3/00


[Subject: Re: Verdigris (SPOILERS)]

M.H. Stevens:
>Then why doesn't he go do so and in doing so take a page from Lawrence
>Mile's book and just take a hike!

Gods!  Can you imagine trying to hike anywhere with a page of a Miles
book for directions?  You'd end up wandering for weeks one evening,
Cold, hungry and raving insane, trying to trace your route in your own

File under "People who should *never* be allowed to publish road

Danny Gooley  27/3/00


[Subject: I Want a Cyberman "Hamlet"! (Re: i want a cyberman helmet!)]

"Promises made to ghosts have no validity."

Corey Klemow  27/3/00


[Subject: Re: Why did Romana leave?]

Shannon Patrick Sullivan wrote:
> >She left both to help the Tharils, and because if she returned to N-
> >Space there was always the chance that the Time Lords would come
> >after her (in "Full Circle", they had sent the Doctor a message that
> >they wanted her back).

Adam Richards  wrote:
> This is true. So it therefore makes flap-all sense that she's suddenly
> President of Gallifrey in books like "Happy Endings" and "Lungbarrow".

You *dare* to contradict the Sacred Canon of the Blessed Virgin? You
have the *audacity* to accept the writings of the false prophet Smith
instead of the divinely inspired words of the Holy Cornell and the Most
Venerable Platt? You question the Masterplan of the Celestial *Cartmel*?
You have the unmitigated *gall* to imply that the entire foundation of
the Church of the BBC Books is built on shaky ground? This is *heresy*,
Brother Adam.

Allen Robinson  28/3/00


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who and the modernist giants!]

"Tom"  wrote:
> Hi.

> Do you think that Doctor Who ever got out of the modernist era.  If you
> look at Metropolis as an early example of modernism, you can see how
> closely it is related to modernism, especially in the first episode, An
> Unearthly Child.  I don't think that Doctor Who ever progressed from the
> modernist era, particularly in its design.  IMO it did not move into
> post modernist until the the 1996 TV movie, which does not look unlike
> Blade Runner (a post modern Metropolis).

> from Tom.

Hi Tom,

I don't know what the fuck you're going on about.

Hope this helps.

Gareth Thomas  29/3/00


[Subject: Re: OT: Yads & Yards]

The Doctor wrote:

>> > YARDS never METRES!!

Pope Snarky wrote:
>> Heeheehee -- you're *speaking* to a denizen of the isles which
>> originally promulgated the former measurement throughout the world, and,
>> AFAIK, still use 'em today...I just thought I'd point that out...I'll
>> get me coat.;-)

Si Jerram wrote:
>Well yes and no.  Mostly everyone in their 30s and under was taught
>in metric.  We've bought petrol in litres for years.   Recently we've
>had to go metric in sales of food etc, although this makes little
>difference it does confuse some old stupid people.

>So one benefit of metrification there.


"Op-er-a-tion Met-ric near-ing com-ple-tion. Eng-lish pub-lic now
de-ceived. E-nough peo-ple are fooled for quick take-o-ver of
pla-net from with-in. The sec-ond phase of con-quest may now

Commander, Polandrian Battle Fleet

P.S. - "Re-mem-ber to use the cor-rect sock-et wrench on the time
dis-tor-ter. The last in-va-sion fleet used a .5cm in-stead of a
1/2 inch, blast-ed a hole in re-al-i-ty, and their cal-ci-fied
re-mains be-came part of the as-ter-oid belt."

Benjamin F. Elliott  29/3/00


Paul Dale Smith wrote:
>>Who do you think the hardest aliens in the Whoniverse are?

Robert Smith? wrote:
>Alpha Centaurans, no doubt about it.

That's only when the Doctor's around, Robert.  Most of the time they
crawl around, limp and hunchbacked.

And for some reason, their winter-wear is about 15 sizes smaller than
that bracing curtain they wear when out and about.

Daniel Gooley  29/3/00


Alryssa Kelly wrote:
> KEITH!! Can I hit him, please? Just once. I won't leave any visible
> marks...

violence never solved anything but for the end of ww2 and a whole load of
other things that it did atually solve, but i still stand by gandhi, though
not now hes dead in a literal sense because that would be a little

P.S.Whiston  29/3/00


The Doctor wrote:

> YARDS never METRES!!

Feet, Yards and Miles       Member - Empirical Measurements International
Never Milli, Centi and Kilo   This is Ici Society MUST be saved! Metric must be decimated!
HEy  Hey USA - Return your soda & liquor to the gallon measure!

Charles Martin  30/3/00


 - Robert Smith?

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