The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Jan-May 2002

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

(Guest editor: Auntie Krizu)

I've tried to do my best, but if you spot any mistakes, inform Robert
so they can be corrected when put on the Web page.


Subject: Re: The Indestrucible Davros (Was Tomb Eggs) (Macfadyan) said:
> hmm nobody said that the virus attacked the organic componants..perhaps it
> attacked the tech and edna based the travel machine on his own life support
> commode?

Hmmm... so it was actually an airborne computer virus that rerouted the
movement functionality to the automatic shaving circuits.

The real question is then why Daleks need to carry such a large supply of
shaving foam. Do Dalek mutants constantly get mistaken for members of ZZ Top
when they leave their casings?

And where was Davros keeping his beard anyway?

-Mark Longmuir
22 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: If you want fake accents (The Doctor) wrote in message

> Get a brit to imitate a Yank.

Okay, you're talking about our Yanks.

But this is another universe, where we've seen time and time again
that Yankees talk in a cringe-inducing accent that makes us want to
avoid seeing/hearing stories in which they appear ever again.

Except that guy in Tomb of the Cybermen. He's hilarious.

For some unknown reason, this is how Yankees talk in the Doctor Who
universe. You just have to accept it. Since these Who-niverse people
have actually got very little over our universe, I can only assume
that this alteration in the accents is the SOLE achievement of the
combined intellect of the Daemons and Scaroth. Okay, two achievements:
Landing on Mars in the late 60s and annoying US accents. Two
achievements. And TOMTIT. That's three. Three small achievements, and
I'm not so sure that Micro-Monolothic circuitry isn't really behind
most of the advanced scientific stuff anyway. So ONE. One achievement.

What were we talking about again?

Misha Lauenstein

Thayre's no way anyone's gettinnng baack in thaaat Rohcket until II
fiind out who's balled up the loht.

-Misha Lauenstein
22 Jan 2002

Subject: Re: Remembrance Question

In article (>,
JerryD (> wrote:
>> One other factor to consider in the "how did Davros claw back power"
>> question is that not all his white Daleks are destroyed.

>> When the Grey Daleks come for him in "Revelation", we very clearly see one
>> White Dalek turn and sneak out of the room.  It had plenty of time to get
>> clear of the eventual explosion.  So he's probably got at least one ally,
>> ready to infiltrate and help him take on the Empire.  :-)

>wouldn't it need someone to give it a fresh coat of paint before it
>could infiltrate the grey daleks?

It's got a gun; someone on the surface must have a can of paint; the
comedy potential is infinite.  :-)

Jon Blum
24 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: Wanker of the Year

The Doctor wrote:

>>>Why do I have a bad image of monkeys on a typewriter?
>>Because the person you're replying to *just bloody said it*.  Oh my God.
> I said BAD image.

You know, you wouldn't have a clue even if someone tracked you down on
Clue Day with the Great Clue of Rassilon, taught you the Dance of the
Seven Clues, stuffed you into a Clue Suit, drenched you with Clue Musk
and then transported you to the Clue Rutting Grounds in the midst of
Clue Mating Season.

-Doctor TOC
29 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: Shoes

Daniel Frankham wrote:

> Hence the Time Lords were forced to do away with going
> to the toilet: from soon after Rassilon's first regeneration, all
> Time Lords have had a link to the eye of harmony in their rectum.

The Brown Eye of Harmony?

-Finn Clark.
29 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: Finn's pt.35 Xmas read-a-thon II: Catastrophea (Terrance

Cameron Mason
> Daniel Gooley
> (snip>
> > There are books out there were purple prose is throbbing, where the
> > > writer's half-asleep and the readers dream.  Plots made of smoke and themes
> > that shrug.  Somewhere there's boredom.  Somewhere there's preachiness.
> > And somewhere else the continuity's taken over.
> >
> > Come on, Finn.  There's novels to write.
> Nice work, but I think it would have been more amusing if you had thrown him
> down on a bed and kissed him....

But I....

Oh, yeah.  That wouldn't have shown up here, would it?

-Danny Gooley
30 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: Why Dan Freedman should NOT produce new Who

Arb Mon, 4 Feb 2002 20:10:06 -0000, "Cardinal Zorak"
(> skrunggeret:

>"Damaged Goods" had very little gay stuff in it, it did have a lot of
>suicidal tendencies and hard rug addiction though.

There y'go. Interior design. That's very gay.

Conrad (Unkempt (>)
-05 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: Time and Relative: 10 or 25 quid for a 120 page novel...

> I've not read them, but I though the idea was to get serious Science
> Fiction authors to write these books? Yet already NA/BBC writers are
> creeping in.

those NA/BBC writers are a sneaky've got to keep an eye out for them.
why, the other day, I found Trevor Baxendale in my back hedge.

"Baxendale!" I cried.
"Get out of my hedge!!"

he of course, tried to act like they belonged there,
and made some nasty  chittering noises in my direction before he ran off
and climbed a tree.

06 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: Time and Relative: 10 or 25 quid for a 120 page novel... (William December Starr) wrote in message
> Ordered by decreasing word count, we have the novel, the novella, the
> novelette and the short story.  (The easy way to remember the order is
> that the more letters in the description, the fewer words in the story
> itself.)

> -- William December Starr (>

Hang on. There's 'novelette' !

I wonder if anyone's tied up the rights to start producing Doctor Who

Let me just give the BBC a quick call with my proposal, featuring the
following criteria:

1) Each 'novelette' will cost 100 pounds for the standard edition.
2) The standard edition will look very much like laserprinted sheets
of paper stapled together while my boss is on his lunch break.
3) The special 'duotang' edition will sell for 500 pounds. (Example
available here: uctname=Duo%2DTang%20Custom%20Report%20Covers%20For%20Dummies
4) Each story MUST take place within an existing televised Dr. Who
adventure, preferably in between two existing scenes.
5) Publication schedule: weekly.
6) I will write them all myself.

-Misha Lauenstein
8 Feb 2002


WILL GILLIES (> wrote:




-Andrew McCaffrey
26 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: New WHO site for fans with a sense of humour

Macadyfan wrote:

>> now your asking something! I've been asking for feedback and contributions
>> Staggering Stories for ages and we aint had one word!

I've been thinking of putting a self-help group together for webmasters who
gather no feedback. We can meet at mine if you like. Bring soup.

*two weeks later*

Reports have come in that Neil Perryman is residing comfortably in the
insitute for the criminally insane, after attempting to drown the entire
world with soup last week. Police psychologists report that Mr Perryman
was apparently driven over the edge when a self-help group that he
organised, for webmasters who gather no feedback, failed to illicit any

Mr Perryman then allegedly went on a rampage through the city, attempting
to drown everyone with soup and scrawling "Visit my webpage, you
bastards!" on every available surface. Upon being arrested, he is reported
to have sobbed into his soup and requested that the arresting officer
waive his right to a phone call and instead visit and comment on his
webpage. The arresting officer declined, whereupon Mr Perryman flew into a
further rage. The arresting officer is recovering nicely, although doctors
are slightly concerned for his diet, because he cannot yet consume solids
and appears to have a pathalogical fear of soup.

The offending web page can be found at, but we
didn't actually visit it to check, or anything.

-Robert Smith?
The rec.arts.drwho Times
07 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: What is the Dalek's Masterplan? (Matthew Wilson) wrote in message
> In "The Daleks' Masterplan", what is the masterplan which the Daleks
> have?
> I mean, they want a Time Destructor. But what do they plan to do with
> it? After listening to the audio release, I've no idea. Did I hear it
> but forget?

They plan to use it to simultaneously push all the wine in the
universe to a delicious drinkable age, then while everyone is pissed
they sneak in and abduct all milk-producing mammals - ensuring
themselves a monopoly supply when the demand for Brie then skyrockets.

Charging exorbitant prices, they slowly spread their financial empire,
buying out the cracker, spread, biscuit and soft drink markets. This
gives them a massive base for further expansion, and by pitting their
own Coke and Pepsi products against each other, they fuel the real
Cola Wars (forcing up both demand and price at the same time). Nekros
was a testbed for the following stage of the plan, when they
spontaneously replace all food in the universe with a rather
suspicious-looking substance.

Had this occurred it might have continued like this until someone
could reincarnate Richard Branson, offering a cheap alternative, at
which point undercutting of prices would eventually force the Daleks
into liquidation. One of the strangest sights in the universe is the
TV commercial with a Dalek in silly wig and huge glasses, proclaiming

-Mark Longmuir
12 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: DVDs!

Thomas Greeves (> wrote:
> I explained the plot of the five doctors (without mentioning WHO to a
> colleague the other day.  He thought it sounded like a good porn movie.  He
> wants to borrow it (but he hates doctor who)_

Obviously he misunderstood the definition of "fanwank". ;>

-Andrew McCaffrey
14 Mar 2002



John Long (> wrote:
> Secondly, it's a known fact that a lot of McCoy fans are gay.  If you
> can't see the reasoning behind this, you're blind.  The seventh doctor
> is a very faggy character.  I'm not making insults, that is simply the
> way he's portrayed.  This was JNT's doing, of course.  He wanted to make
> a show which would appeal to gay fans, and succeeded quite well.
> Unfortunately, the tone is completely wrong for the straight fans who
> grew up with a different style of DW, which is why a lot of them hate
> the McCoy stories.

Remember, kids, *real* straight fans prefer a Doctor who's a man of action
and who wears frilly, puffy white shirts and velvet jackets.  Er,
certainly. ;>

-Andrew McCaffrey
19 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: Quotefile...quotefile?

R.J. Smith (on the Quotefile, believe it or not):

> Probably won't be out for another month or so. They've been drifting
> apart, but so has the humour content on the newsgroup.

True enough, but really, it's been a pretty impressive run.  Most newsgroups
need a couple of years to get the feel of all its characters and fall into a
good rhythm before it produces any humour content of note.  On radw, the
characters entered fully fledged: Heer and Anghelides the wits, the Dave
twins' surreal slapstick screamers, wry commentry from Orman......  Right
from the earliest days the Quotefile was producing cutting edge humour which
was the marvel of newsgroups everywhere.

Over the years some of the central characters moved on, but the comedy
remained strong and the changing cast kept it satisfyingly fresh.  The acid
charm of Smith?, the drugged-out rantings of Daniels, the fnerkiness of the
Foom Chronicles and the innocent pleasures of a dose of Banana.  Under the
guidance of the producer who hid behind a trademark "?", the Quotefile has
built a proud tradition.  It was amazing that it was so good for so long.

Alas, nothing lasts forever.  Perhaps, as some say, radw became too caught
up in the cult of its own history.  Perhaps we took our eye off the ball as
we waited for the highly anticipated spin-off group radwm, which never
materialised.  Perhaps it was the growing competition from other humorous
newsgroups as the internet took off.  Perhaps, as others would have it, the
Quotefile maestro wanted to move on and farmed out the production duties to
well-meaning amateurs.  In any case, we are living in fallen times, where
farce masquerades as humour, with thread-lines that would be an insult to
the Golden Age of the Quotefile.

Don't be sorry.  Be proud.  The Quotefile was great while it lasted.
Perhaps we should cancel it now before it degenerates into pantomime
completely.  Better to hold tight the glory days of radw humour than cast
about for new forms on the various unauhorised chatrooms.

Any chance of an enhanced compilation on DVD, with commentary from some of
the original posters?

-Danny Gooley
20 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: Quotefile...quotefile?

> >
> > The Quotefile ended in July 2000 - everything since is uncanonical!
> Nonsense! Next you'll be telling me I'm not an original poster at all,
> but merely the clone of a poster who was created to feed straight lines
> to R. Smith and has been wandering the Internet randomly since my
> original self and a faction of other paradox posters were involved in
> the Destruction of the Quotefile in 2000...
> Continuity has been maintained, I tell ya..I've appeared in threads
> about both the books AND the audios. :)

Well, even back in the Good Old Days there were never actually more than 9
posters on radw at any one time.  All the rest were simulated through the
clever use of mirrors and cardboard cutouts.  And the horrendously
malfunctioning Yadsbot, obviously.  But they were *good* cutouts, and
amusingly distorted mirrors!

These days we may all be clones created to feed straight lines to Smith?;
but are we clones of actual posters, clones of mirrors or cutouts of actual
posters, anti-clones of posters who never used to exist, an horrendously
malfunctioning Yadsbot, or even clones of Grandfather Smith? himself?

Ultimately, it doesn't really matter.  Created or no, our purpose in life is
still going to be what it was in the Before: to provide material for Smith?

I'd blame Anghelides for all the confusion except that I know for a fact he
didn't exist until he wrote the pun that broke the Quotefile forever.

-Danny Gooley
20 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: What can we discuss from The Daleks?

The Doctor wrote:
> IT was originally call the Mutants?  Was the BBC looking at their records??
> Radiation gage?  How did they get Earth devices in Skaro?
> Ugly looking creature in that pepperpot.
> Testy old adventurer.
> Futuristic cities.
> Xenophobic.
> The Dals you say?
> Pacificism.
> Did Ian have to make that point so bluntly?
> The early Thals.

You know...if you actually read right through this, instead of dealing
with it a line at a time, with the right intonation, it comes off as beat poetry.

dig it, daddy.

19 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: Wandering back into RADW

On Tue, 26 Mar 2002 22:24:28 +0200, "Auntie Krizu"
(> said:

>"Rob T Firefly" (> kirjoitti viestissä
>> Hi!  How has everyone been?
>Same old, same old. The flamewars haven't changed as you can see, but
>the occasional pro-fun madness still rears its head sometimes:)...
>we're not dead yet!

No, we're just pining for the Voords...

-Gordon Dempster
26 Mar 2002

"What're we gonna do tonight, Brain?"  "The same thing "Andrew Curry"
(> did in rec.arts.drwho on Sat, 19 Jan 2002
16:20:24 -0000, Pinky:"

>why do the Daleks establish their mines in bedfordshire instead of somewhere
>where the earth's crust is weak?
>Why do they want to pilot the planet anyway?

Their Volvo only got seven light years to the gallon?

-Lorrill Buyens
21 Jan 2002


Chris Cwej ( writes:
> Okay, the back of the Tomb of the Cybermen DVD lists it as having no
> violence but mild sex/nudity.
> What have I missed?  Is there some top secret egg on there to get
> this???

(nature documentary voiceover)

The Cybermat is a randy creature in its natural environment, ready and
willing to shag anything that moves.  Men, women, giant cybernetic
creatures, these Cybermats don't care which.  It's off with the shells and
they're at it...

Talk to ya later,

-Greg McCambley
21 Jan 2002


"Gregory McCambley" (ea161@FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote in message
> Chris Cwej ( writes:
> > Okay, the back of the Tomb of the Cybermen DVD lists it as having no
> > violence but mild sex/nudity.
> >
> > What have I missed?  Is there some top secret egg on there to get
> > this???
> (nature documentary voiceover)
> The Cybermat is a randy creature in its natural environment, ready and
> willing to shag anything that moves.  Men, women, giant cybernetic
> creatures, these Cybermats don't care which.  It's off with the shells and
> they're at it...

not so much mere mats then, more like a good shag.

21 Jan 2002


On Mon, 21 Jan 2002, John Long wrote:

> Lorrill Buyens wrote:
> >
> > Ya mean "intelligent technological processes" like the Doctor
> > constructing a whatchamajigger outa teacups an' stuff in The
> > Time Monster?  Or "scientific reasoning" like "If ya drill into the
> > earth's core, you'll turn into a werewolf-thingy" in Inferno?
> > (Disclaimer for the small-minded: Inferno an' TTM are two o'
> > my favorite Pertwee stories.  However, that doesn't mean I
> > can't criticize or compare `em.)
> This is the same crap that Blum always pulls.  You can pick isolated
> examples from older eras of the show, doesn't take away the higher
> amount and the frequency of those examples from the McCoy era.

House 14 recently realised that while we'll pull apart Star Trek for being
slightly off about cutting-edge physics, we'll happily go along with Tom
Baker's plan to reverse the gravitaional pull of Adric using a teabag and
an elastic band. This suggests to us that 'suspension of disbelief'
reaches a whole new level when you replace 'this is the future, in which
we all live in space with Patrick "I'm Classically Trained You KNow"
Stewart' with something more outrageous. This activates the bit of brain
which regulates plausibility, resulting in the message "He travels through
time and space in a box, turning into a new actor every few years.  Let's
just stop asking questions, shall we?"

Then again, it may be the effect of childhood indoctrination by McGyver.

-Lara Cunningham
21 Jan 2002


"Richard Nelson" (> wrote in
message news:(a2abob$et3$>...
> According to the back of the "Tomb" DVD it contains "Sex/Nudity: some,
> mild"..... anyone have an explanation for this?

I believe that at one point some white stuff squirts out of a cyberman.

-Misha Lauenstein
21 Jan 2002


On 17:58:08 -0500, in rec.arts.drwho
(William December Starr) wrote:

In article (>, (Meddling Mick) said:

Doctor TOC (> wrote:

> Yep.  'Timewyrm: Revelation' page 53.  Translated as 'Bringer of
> Darkness/Destroyer of Worlds'.  The novel seems to say the Doctor
> acquired the title *because* of Skaro's destruction.

Given the direct mechanism of Skaro's destruction, shouldn't it have
been "Bringer of Intensely Bright Light Aieee!/Destroyer of Worlds?"


-- William December Starr (>
21 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: Dalek Invasion of Earth vs Inferno

"What're we gonna do tonight, Brain?"  "The same thing "Benjamin F.
Elliott" (> did in rec.arts.drwho on Sun, 20 Jan
17:44:49 GMT, Pinky:"

>"Meddling Mick" (> wrote in message

>> Reporter James Stevens learned *something* about Stahlman's project
>> because his report about it was published in 'The Daily Chronicle'
>> ('Who Killed Kennedy').
>"Da-leks do not read news-pa-pers!"


>> I'm guessing that there must have been some kind of governmental
>> records of Project Inferno?  So... hmm... how'd the Daleks not find
>> out about it when they raided the Ministry of Defence's records during
>> the occupation of Earth ('War of the Daleks')?
>It's been a while since I read the book. Did they have to damage the
>Ministry building to get in. Either it would have been destroyed by accident
>in the invasion takeover, or else the Daleks didn't take the time to read
>all the records. After all, would you expect Daleks to try to read and
>comprehend the tax code?


(Dalek's eyestalk melts from the mental stress)


-Lorrill Buyens
22 Jan 2002


"Charles Martin" (> kirjoitti viestissä
 > In article (a2i509$q8g$>,
 >  "Auntie Krizu" (> wrote:
 > > "David Brider" (> kirjoitti viestissä
 > > news:a2i3iq$4v4$
 > >
 > > > With - I reckon - a box set of The Horns of Nimon and Meglos as the
 > > > 40th anniv. thing they've been saying is on the cards.
 > >
 > > ROTFL! What's that gonna be called then--"Dr Who: High Camp Box Set":)?
 > How to be Gay: An Introduction

 Hey, they aren't *that* camp... if you'd have to do a gay box set it'd have
 to have Mind of Evil on it... "I'm worried about Yates, sir"...

 Auntie Krizu(:>)
January 23, 2002


Subject: Re: Scary Mental Image

> gordon (> wrote:
>I'd forgotten (but was reminded by the DWM Davison Special) that there
>was a Viewmaster 3D set for Catrovalva, so please, for the sake of my
>sanity can someone please tell me they *didn't* have a 3D picture of Adric
>on the hadron (yes, spelt it right this time...) power grid?

I think they originally had it, but they had to change it due to fears
someone could accidentally put their eye out.

-Alden Bates
25 Jan 2002


> On Fri, 25 Jan 2002 06:30:20 -0000, "Cardinal Zorak"
> (> said:
> "Jonathan Blum" (> wrote in message
> news:a2nb28$slh$
> > In article (>,
> > JerryD (> wrote:
> > >wouldn't it need someone to give it a fresh coat of paint before it
> > >could infiltrate the grey daleks?
> >
> > It's got a gun; someone on the surface must have a can of paint; the
> > comedy potential is infinite.  :-)
> >
>:-D nice!  I love those Thals in "Planet...", barely surviving in the
>Spiridon jungle, carrying cans of paint to highlight invisible Daleks...

 Nah, you know these Thals, mischievous little buggers. Like nothing
 better than to sneak into a Dalek base and spray "Tarron was here."
 all over the walls...

-Gordon Dempster
January 26, 2002


>>On Sun, 27 Jan 2002 15:50:44 +1100, "Cameron Mason"
>>(> took a keyboard, and wrote the following:
>>>gordon (> wrote in message
>>>> >Think of this as a Big Finish Audio - what do you see in your mind's
>>>> >eye...? ;0)
>>>> Lisa Bowerman wearing nothing but a smile and carrying a can
>>>> of spray cream.
>>>Strangly enough, I'm seeing the same thing...
>>Even more strangly, I thought Gordon had typed "Lisa Bowerman wearing
>>nothing but a smile and carrying a can of spay cream"...
>Nah, that's for Steve Roberts for daring to claim Horns Of Nimon is not
>good. :)

Spaying is often good for horny problems...


Gareth Parker
27 Jan 2002


I had the following converstaion the other day, and as I have nothing
better to do (housemates sleep till at least 1pm), I shall 'share':

Miriam: "So if Grace's ex's shoes fit Eight perfectly, does that mean that
she chooses men based entirely on shoe size?"

Meself: "Perhaps she's some sort of freak who finds shoeless men and
entices them back to her lair of sin with the promise of shoes. And she
has a vast collection of shoes from the people she kills at the hospital.
Maybe that's why she killed Seven. He had quite good shoes."

Miriam: "Or perhaps she finds men _with_ shoes and redistributes them as a
form of mind control?"

Meself: "She's certainly implied as a shoe fetishist of some sort."

Miriam:"Then again, perhaps they didn't fit perfectly at all, perhaps he
lied to get the hell away fom her in case the bitch killed him again."

Meself: "Perhaps they were magic shoes, like those gloves that fit
everyone. Or perhaps the Doctor had travelled in time to set Grace up with
someone with that particular shoe size to ensure that he would get shoes
when he was Eight?"

Miriam: "Why did none of the Doctor's ever regenerate an go "Arggh! These
bloody shoes are two sizes two small!" Because that would hurt."

Well? Why didn't they?

Lara Cunningham
28 Jan 2002


Lara Cunningham wrote:

> The above conversation also featured some horrifying
> mental images revolving around whether or not Six
> regenerated into Five's pants (British pants, not
> American pants), but that seemed too horrid to share.

Death causes relaxation of the bowels.  Thus if a Time Lord is dying at the
point of regeneration, then his new incarnation might come into existence in
browned keks (that might be squeezing like buggery due to a new body size).

I'm not sure that's a mental image I wanted.

Finn Clark.
28 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: Laugh Shack- a Reminder

(> wrote in message

> Dear lord your idiocy increases everyday.

That one never made it into the Common Prayer Book.

Gareth Thomas
28 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: (Pro-Positive) 10 redeeming qualities of the King's

And TKD also teaches us important historical facts; King John was a great
king, people just think he was crap because a shapeshifting alien robot
was impersonating him to undermine the development of English
parliamentary democracy and allow a man in black velvet to shag Peter

I slept through this semester's lecture on Magna Carta, but I feel I more
than made up for it in academic terms by watching TKD.

Lara Cunningham
29 Jan 2002


Subject: Re: move a hard disk of boxes

> In article (a386jm$1gqt$>,
> "liu" (> said:
>  Newest moving is stored , the price is low , capacity is
>  large , can be according to the needs of yours the
>  wanton size of adjustment capacity. This kind of
>  equipment is to move a hard disk of boxes. Moving the
>  box appearance of the hard disk exquisitly, succeed
>  through alloy material, anti-vibration is designed , to
>  dispel the heat is good, little volume, easy to hold
>  under the arm and bring and to install is convenient,
>  Namely insert and use USB interface promptly, price is .

Whoah -- Dalek poetry!

William December Starr
January 30, 2002


 Luke Curtis (> wrote:
> On Thu, 31 Jan 2002 20:47:07 +0000 (UTC),
> (The Doctor) wrote:
>>Fignered crossed.
> You seriously expect me to believe that when you cannot even be
> bothered to correct the spelling of a 2 word post that you can get
> complex piece of moderation software working?

yadsbox1[1]% stuMp -instaal
stuMp: Command not found.

yadsbox1[2]% Stump -istall
Stump: Command not found.

yadsbox1[3]% stump -insttall
stump: Illegal command line option: option "insttall" not found.

yadsbox1[4]% maek thee modeeratoin softwassre work so i CAn work do it
maek: Command not found.

yadsbox1[5]% stump -install
stump: Illegal operation: PATH not found.  Give it up, son.

yadsbox1[6]% want the magic ta make the cOmputer make the TROLLBOYS!
want: Command not found, waffle head.

yadsbox1[7]& stumpid -install PATH="republics/no/goood/punt/DRunk"
stumpid: Command not found.  Say goodnight, Yads.


Andrew McCaffrey
1 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: Jelly Babies

In article (a3h2ga$4sd$>,
Cardinal Zorak (> wrote:
>City of the dead.  Sheesh.  After "City of Death", what an imaginative
>title.  Not.

>Who writers (not entitled to be called authors) really running out of ideas.

I look forward to you grousing about "The Ark In Space", because after all
we all know "The Ark" already *was* in space.  >:-)

-Jon Blum
February 03, 2002


Subject: Beltempest Dalek Death Ray Question

I've just struggled through reading Beltempest (not one of my favourite 8th
Doctor novels!) and was surprised to read the Doctor  saying "have you ever
seen what happens to a Walls Dalek Death Ray when you pop it in the microwave...?"
This seems a very strangle line for even the Doctor to say. I can't imagine
how we can even try to fit that line into established continuity. In the
"Who-niverse" I doubt very much if Dalek Death Ray ice creams did exist.
Maybe they were manufactured to celebrate the Daleks defeat in 2167? But
then this is like making suckable Bin-Laden ice lollys isn't it? Would you
really want to suck on a Dalek after it has wiped out most of the population
of your planet? (or suck on Bin-Laden for that matter...)
I do remember these ice creams quite well, but I'm also pretty sure they had
long been phased out by Walls before the microwave oven became popular.

I know Jim Mortimer was aiming for the "in-joke" here but it did rather
spoil the novel a bit as it's obviously taking the piss.

Has anyone else got any ideas how we can fit the Dalek Death Ray into
established continuity and thus enable me to sleep at night? Then again,
should I just write off Beltempest altogether as a rather boring book and
not try and fit any of into the "real" Who time-lines?

Dave (The Dalek Emperor)
February 04, 2002


"David A McIntee" (> wrote in message
>"David Brider" (> wrote >
>What was the ITV show she presented?
>Buggered if i can remember

Odd choice of title for a kids programme but, hey, we live in ever more
liberal times...

Alan G McWhan
February 04, 2002


Yes, it's the Giant Robot sashaying down the catwalk in an off-the-shoulder
Jean-Paul Gaultier sheath number with a rhinestone necklace and eight-inch
stiletto heels.  So daring to choose rust-red.  To me it screams 1975, but
retro is big this year.  And...  yes, there's the turn and slinky walk back
to the changing rooms.  Thank you, Giant Robot.

Next up in strapless Lacroix ballgowns, we have Sil's guards and a Captain
Michael Yates of UNIT...

Finn Clark.
6 Feb 2002


JerryD wrote:

> those NA/BBC writers are a sneaky've got to
> keep an eye out for them.  why, the other day, I found
> Trevor Baxendale in my back hedge.
> "Baxendale!" I cried.
> "Get out of my hedge!!"
> he of course, tried to act like they belonged there,
> and made some nasty chittering noises in my
> direction before he ran off and climbed a tree.

Ya gotta watch out for them authors.  They're a bugger for sneaking along
late at night to eat the bacon rinds and stale orange peel you leave out for
the birds and squirrels.  Best I find is to smear lard around all the
branches in your garden.  By the time they've stopped to lick it off their
fur and tails, you've grabbed yer shotgun and got killin'.

I blame BBC Books.  They should hire a better pest controller...

Finn Clark.
7 Feb 2002


> "Auntie Krizu" (> kirjoitti viestissä
> news:a3vg9u$b58$
> >
> > "Van T. Roberts" (> kirjoitti viestissä
> > news:a3veld$kts$1@Einstein.EBICom.Net...
> > > Hey,
> > > Anybody got any insightful comments on the "The Five Doctors" DVD?
> > > Van
> >
> > Petey. Tied up. Suffering. Sweaty. Peri. Jiggly. Knockers.  Looking.  Like.
> > She. Is. Having. Orgasms. Instead. Of. Dying. Doctor. Desperate.
> > Blindfolded. Manhandled. Pain. Pretty. Pretty. Pretty. Me. Like.  Much.
> Ulp, that was the Androzani review, sorry. Here's the 5Docs one.
> Petey. Fainting. Suffering. Turlough. Slutboy. Muahhaha. Beard. Of.  Evil.
> Neat. Cape. Camp. Cybermen. Tewwance. Dicks. Petey. Being.  Manhandled.
> Again. Jon. Pertwee. Nose. No. Tom. Rassilon. Groovy....
Susan. Eyeing. Up. Own. Grandfather. Tom. Lalla. Five. In. Pain. K9.
Being. Camp. Five/Ainley. Homoerotic. Subtext. Turlough. Looks.  Exactly.
Like. Steve. Davis.

--Lara Cunningham
8 Feb 2002

Subject: Re: Comments on "The Five Doctors" DVD

> "Van T. Roberts" wrote:
> >
> > Hey,
> > Anybody got any insightful comments on the "The Five Doctors" DVD?
> > Van
> Insightful?  Sorry, we don't do that here!

 John Long
February 08, 2002

Cameron Mason (> wrote:

: Nick Brown (> wrote in message
: news:a3v2vb$gfq$
: (snip>
:> What's wrong with soaps James?

: Bad acting, recycled plot lines (especially when one soap uses a story line
: that's just been featured in another), 'cliffhanger' face...

Damn that Doctor Who is great!

--Kristoffer Lawson
9 Feb 2002


"Scott Armstrong" (> wrote in message
> Fett (> wrote in message

> That's wrong.. He does this every year as a convienence to fans who
> can't swing the $98 + tax a night for a room.. About 4 years ago
> myself and like 3 other fans shared the room. Not only was it easy on
> the pocket book, he recorded some video with Nic Courtney

Kinky devil...

Gareth Thomas
9 Feb 2002


Auntie Krizu wrote in message ...

>Five/Ainley. Homoerotic

You still can't top "The King's Demons":

"You're getting old, Doctor, your willy's weak."

Okay, so he couldn't get it up, but is that really any reason to humiliate
him in front of a room full of people?

David Brider
9 Feb 2002


Finn Clark wrote:

> Peter Gregg wrote:
> > I'm thinking of reading Festival of Death or Dying in the Sun.
> I cannot stress enough the importance of choosing the first of those
> options.

Peter Gregg: (at home, sitting on the couch) Festival of death or dying
in the sun?
fourth doctor or second? Pat or Tom?


ah, why not....?

(reaches over to the coffee table and picks up Dying in the Sun)

haven't read a good second doctor story in a while....

(opens to the first eldritch, white burning light spills from
within the book)


(screaming as his flesh is burned away...the book slams shut and falls
to the floor, leaving only a black stain on the couch where Peter Gregg
once sat...
camera pans back to reveal Finn Clark, sitting in a lawn chair and
sipping a martini..)

Finn: Remember boys and girls, children shouldn't read Dying in the Sun.


01 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: hey hey..the silurians

Hey, hey, we're Silurians
We like kicking monkeys around
An asteroid's heading for Earth now,
So we're gonna go underground

I like the one with the teacosy on his head, me...

Michael Livsey
February 10, 2002


Subject: Re: testing

On 07 Feb 2002 06:30:45 GMT, (Macfadyan) said:

>ignore this

(tries to ignore this...>

(*really* tries to ignore this...>

(iignore the test post>

(ignore the little test post>

(ignore the little, new, shiny, pristine, test post...>


Hello. It worked.

Gordon Dempster
February 10, 2002


Cameron Mason

> Shannon Patrick Sullivan has been moved from babe of the Year to Hunk of the
> Year.

I hope s/he has made the right decision and recovers quickly.

Danny Gooley
11 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: Why I Dislike The Adventuress of Henrietta Street

On Tue, 12 Feb 2002 23:50:58 -0000, "Brax" (> wrote:
[following on from the Ouji board 'discussion' about contacting Dickens]
>can you imagine downloading the whole of Bleak House from the aether one
>letter at a time?

I don't know how they managed in Dickens' time, back when they
only had 386s and 14.4K modems.

Lance Parkin
February 13, 2002


Subject: Re: How to save Dr Who...

On 13 Feb 2002 11:47:04 GMT, sc0t18nd@aol.compere (Ian MacAninch)

>I suppose you could also have episodes self-financing with viewers asked to
>phone in and choose what happens next.

Fans could chip in by writing the odd book, starting up
independent audio drama production companies and
even help out with a spot of editing.

Nah ... can't see that working.

Lance Parkin
February 13, 2002


Subject: Re: UNIT In Battlefield Problem

> In article (>,
> (Bryan) writes:
> >> > >London in 1975 and the Cybermen tried their hand in 1979!
> >> > >
> >> > >
> >> >
> >> > Try Yeti 1971 and Cybermen 1975 .
> >>
> >>
> >> In The Web of Fear, a 1975 calendar is displayed on the wall. In one
> >> episode, either 3 or 4, Colonel Lethbridge Stewart refers to the year as
> >> being 1975.
> >
Okay, it was really the 60s, as evidenced by the fashions, cars, etc,
etc. But people *believed* it was the 1970s[1] due to a long-term plan
concocted by the Master in league with an advance party of Kraals who
thought the whole 'pretend village' idea was a bit shit, and why not
do it for real. So Sarah thought she was from 1980, but wasn't really.
The whole thing was uncovered in the unseen story 'The Calendar of
Fear' in 1977/1982.

[1] With the exception of those in the DVLC, which was temporarily
taken over as the spearhead of the third Auton invasion, who thought
it was a type of plastic.

Actually, on reflection, maybe all the years were right.

Web - 1976
Invasion - 1980
Spearhead to Android Invasion - late 1980 to early 1980
Sarah from Pyramid - 1980
K9 & Company - 1981
Brigadier Retires - 1976
Mawdryn - 1983

You see in that time there were significant advances in technology alongside
retro fashions and designs. The tech was probably Vaughns stuff - SEVEN Mars
Probes, time devices, the Robot, the far flung astronaut in the Android
Invasion etc etc. But in later years - Timeflight, Attack of the Cybermen etc -
this tech does not seem to have advanced. In fact we've gone back.

So what happened? Well maybe they got caught in a time knot because of all the
time fluctuations going on at the time - Inferno, Axos, TOMTIT, Time Warrior,
Three Doctors, Invasion of the Dinosaurs, Spiders, Timeflight, Mawdryn, Arc etc
plus the Doctor pissing about with his Tardis (opened the eye didn't he), the
return of the Mandragora energy 500 years after the original story. In the end
everything got twsited at a point of time - a bit like a Groundhog Day but
without the constant repetition.

So how can we understand it? We can't - yet. You see Timelords are a species
who have harnessed the energy of a black hole and whose ultimate travel device
is a Tardis. Whilst humans' ultimate energy device is rubbing together two
sticks of radiation just before they explode and our ultimate travel device is
a glider strapped to the back of a large bottle of turps.

It would be the equivalent of explaining the theory of relativity to a banana.

Ian MacAninch
February 18, 2002


Subject: Re: My version of Dalek history (off the top of my head)

>  funny that, as if the Daleks hadn't caught the imagination of the public,
>  Doctor Who would have lasted 12 episodes and there'd have been /no/ Daleks
>  beyond that first story...
> Brax
so if the Zarbi HAD caught the public's interest as they were meant to,
in the same way the Daleks had,
there might not have been any need for cybermen?


instead we would have had

Tomb of the Zarbi
base of the Zarbi
Wheel of Zarbi
Invasion of the Zarbi
Revenge of the Zarbi
The Five Doctors (with Zarbi-slaughtering scene)
Attack of the Zarbi
Insect Nemesis.

I prefer the timeline we're currently in. :)

February 21, 2002


Subject: Re: This laugh shack business.

[ addressing Mike "Fett" Caruso ]

I wouldn't shag Burns on a train,
I wouldn't shag him in the rain.
I wouldn't shag him in a car,
I wouldn't shag him in a bar.
I wouldn't shag him here or there,
I wouldn't shag him anywhere.
I wouldn't shag him in the Flonk,
An' by the way, you wanker, *plonk*.

Lorrill Buyens
15 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: I have it on good authority....

 David Brunt wrote:

> >"Steve Day" wrote in message
> >> That if you vote a certain individual listed in the Adrics as the
> >> person you wish to come back to rec.arts.drwho, that person
> >> will come back.
> >
> Didn't somebody say that Douglas Adams once posted here...?

After my exhaustive search of the archives, I've come up with two
possible posts:

this one from 1994:

Doug Adams(> wrote:
>HI alL!!1
>do you like Dr. Who?
>I do too!
>I have all the TArgets and am looking to trade My copy of Earthsock for a 
>GOOD copy of the Silurians! In color if Possible, plz.
>PS: Does any1 know where I could find XXX pics of the Doc's companions?

and this one from 1987:

Douglas Adams(> wrote:
>Just for the record, because I know this is going to come up down the
>road, I'm NEVER going to novelize City of Death! Never do you hear me? 

 >still here?
>P.S: And you can forget about the Pirate Planet, too. Git.
>Much love, Doug.

(note: The above posts may or may not be fabrications>

who really, really likes Douglas Adams.
February 23, 2002


Subject: Re: Tom, and Lord of the Rings

David A McIntee
> > David Brunt
> >  >For what kind of role would Tom Baker _not_ be miscast?
> >
> > Gibbering old loon with no discernable talent.
> >
> Tom Bombadil, then.

Actually, I think he might have been an *excellent* Bombadil!

Old Tom Baker-dill is a funny fellow,
Twenty feet his scarf is, and his voice is mellow.
None has understood him yet, Tom's mind is never mastered:
His lines are the weirdest lines, and he's often plastered.

Hey dol! merry dol! ring a dong dillo!
Ring a dong! drink along! to the Lake and Willow!
Tom bomb, sozzle Tom, Tom bring a pillow!

Hey! Come merry dol! very droll! old darling!
Quick to a sherry binge, poor old Tom is barking.
Lying grave under head, stoned in the sunlight
Waiting on the pub step for the world to upright
There a pretty lady is, astral time Lord's daughter
Wanting for to marry Tom - I don't think she oughta
Our Tom Baker-dill lalla-maid's a-saying
Tirra lirra by the river lalla laid a-laying.
Hey! Come bonny doll! merry moll! he said
Poor old silly man, tucked his roots away!
Tom's in a blue frock now - and now he's eating hay....
Tom's going home again, proprietor is moaning
Pushing back from the bar, a-wheezing and a-groaning.

Hop along with uncle Tom and out with Iris Wildthyme!
(this line's only here to give a silly mild rhyme)*
Down west sinks the Sun: soon Tom will be groping.
Iris' dreams come true at last, or no doubt so she's hoping.
Out of blue box window-panes yellow light will twinkle:
Tom will stop by open door to have a little winkle.
Fear neither root nor pinch!  Tom goes on 'fore you now
Hey now! merry dog!  Who's your daddy?  Whoops! Oww!

Old Tom Baker-dill is a funny fellow,
Twenty feet his scarf is, and his voice is mellow.


*but please feel free to replace the censored line with your own obvious
joke concerning Tom and Iris a wild time.

Danny Gooley
February 25, 2002


[Subject: Re: Anyone go to Gallifrey?]

In article (>,
Jason Henningson (> wrote:

> Hi all. I was wondering if anyone went to Gallifrey and could tell
> anything interesting that happened there. Thanks!

Well, I turned up at the hotel, but shortly after I did, a whole group of
Star Trek fans started invading the convention. Their leader finally
appeared, but he looked a lot like me, only a lot more 'armless. I
think he was actually my grandfather. There was a lot of confusion and
running about and the girl I arrived with ended up fleeing with some
computer technician.

Suddenly, out of the blue, my car from last year, which I thought had been
destroyed totally when I went on that road trip to the weird Avalon con,
turned out not to be destroyed after all. And for no reason that made any
sense, an alternate version of myself was there, only he hadn't had an
accident I'd once had. Or something - it was a pretty confusing

What's more, it didn't seem very consistent with other conventions I'd
been to. All the guests were suddenly economists, for no real reason.  And
while we had been expecting to share the convention with some Earth 2
fans and had been dreading it, I found some secret files in the program
guide that revealed that the other attendees weren't from Earth 2 after
all and it was all a big secret that didn't make much sense either.

Suddenly the Star Trek fans started appearing and overrunning the
convention. This was terrible, as you might imagine, only they weren't the
scary Voyager-worshipping death cult Star Trek fans we'd met a few
conventions ago, but rather just a bunch of generic Trekkers, with poor

We fought them off for a while, but it became clear they were going to
take over the convention. By an astoniching coincidence, I found a huge
lever that just happened to be wired in to the little known self-destruct
button for the hotel. My grandfather tried to stop me, but I knew what I
had to do, so I pulled the lever... and that's what happened to Gallifrey.

Weirdly, it seems as though all the convention guests from all the
previous years now never attended, but that has me even more confused.  I
think I'm going to go somewhere on my own for a while and just forget all
about it.

 - Robert Smith?
19 Feb 2002


Using the Caps Lock is like making love to a beautiful woman.  You start at
the bottom, then when you've got control you run your hand upwards and squeeze.

Gareth Thomas
26 Feb 2002


It was a dark and stormy night on Tue, 26 Feb 2002 11:30:08 -0800
(PST) when Douglas North said:
> They killed off Dodo in a book??? See, this is why I don't consider the
> books canon.

They killed off Adric, Katarina and Sara Kingdom on TV??? See, this is why
I don't consider the TV show canon.

Shannon :-)

Shannon Patrick Sullivan
February 26, 2002


Subject: Re: Invasion 2 - Quick Thoughts

> > "Zygon Curry" (> wrote in message
> >
> > > On Mon, 25 Feb 2002 20:38:09 +0000, gordon
> > (> wrote:
> >
> > But Jason admitted that the most asked question on the Internet at the
> > moment is about the ending to Dalek Empire!
>India was a little late and looked exhausted, but was great.

Mm, I liked Nick Pegg's (or was it Toby Longworth? Surely not!) comments
about how the different Doctors would have reacted to the 10th Planet
directions to Barking...

Colin (actually said this): 'It says turn right at "The last roundabout!" -
how are we meant to know which is the "last" roundabout?!'
Sylv: beetling away, "ah! here we... ooh, yes - ah,no - yes!" fiddling with
map and (impersonates smallish chap peering over steering wheel manically)
Petey: "Oh, stuff this.  I don't know where I'm going, ah well never mind"
Tom has a conversation with the roundabout :-D
Paul stays in Bristol ;-)

Cardinal Zorak
February 26, 2002

Subject: Re: Doctor With  A Beard

"J2rider" (> wrote in message
> Glad it's gone!

Yeah, I'm glad they rejected that one too.  'Doctor Who' was a much
snappier name.

Gareth Thomas
26 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: McCoy head count........

In a reply by Mister Doctor Sir, >DBurns6554 wrote (unaware of the fact that
he's in my killfile):

>DBurns6554 wrote:
>> >MacIdiot

BURNS TALK TRANSLATION: Hey Fett! You there Fett. Listen to me Fett.  You
listening Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett eh? I've done something really funny Fett. Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. I mean I can't stop laughing at my own jokes Fett. Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. I took the first part of this guys name and added the word
"idiot" Fett. That's funny isnt it Fett? Isn't it Fett?

FETT THINKS: Christ that's so lame - so grade school - but I better amuse him
lest he turn on me.

FETT SPEAK: Yeah Burnsy. That's good. Let's get him on at the Laugh Shack.

FETT THINKS: Oh fuck I mentioned the Laugh Shack. He'll think that's funny.

BURNSY: Laugh Shack! That's so funny Fett. So so funny. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha.

>> >(Scene: A cheap one room apartment in Hawaii.
>> Cheap? What a stupid fool you are.

A stupid fool? Does he know clever ones?

>Try three bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, a
>> room, a kitchen, a swimming pool, and a lanai with a nice view of the
>> mountains valued at one hundred sixty thousand dollars.

One dripping with so much potential. Take your pick:

(a) You're a butler then. What's your employer do?

(b) Is $72 thousand pretty average for a swimming pool on Hawaii.  Otherwise
you've been stiffed on the whole package. My home is exactly the same sans
swimming pool.

(c) You going to post evidence of that supposed boast otherwise we'll just
believe you made it up and you still live at home with Mummy and Daddy?

(d) Is housesitting common on Hawaii?

(e) Oooooh a "lanai". Burnsy's got a lanai. Can't be seen talking about
balconies can we. Must look like a snob.

[By the way here's a word to describe you - amadan]

(f) Three bedrooms? Do you use them on rotation? Or are you going to shock us
and reveal you aren't a sad loner?

>> >Rejection letters from various
>> >publishers litter the floor
>> No rejection letters here.

So the publishers don't respond to your lame attempts at writing vampire
novels. I am sorry for you.

>>You might want to check your floor for the rejection
>> letters from the women or men that you have asked out on dates.

You ask for dates by letter??? No wonder you're a mixed up troll.

>> >McCoy's crap. That's a fact.
>> You got one thing correct in your post. You did better than I thought you

TRANSLATION: I have to cut the original to pieces lest everyone see how close
to the mark it is.

>> >Fett sits down at a console.
>> >He is well built. The captain of the school football team.
>> I don't think Fett played football.

BURNS TRANSLATION "Fett, Fett please tell me everything about you. You are my
hero. Did you play football at school Fett. Hey I've got something really funny
to say - lanai. No, that's not it. I mean to say McCoy's crap. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. That is so funny.

>> >It's unbelievable how much he hates the McCoy season.
>> Not if you see the McCoy stories, MacIdiot.

BURNS TRANSLATION "Fett, Fett! Help me. I don't know what to do.  Everything
comes out so lame and unoriginal."

>> >Should we
>> >send all the McCoy fans to a comedy club Fett?
>> Actually, that was Fett's idea.

BURNS TRANSLATION "Fett, Fett! I love you. Did you get my valentine?"

>> >These fucking McCoy fans are such a bunch
>> >of flaming trolls.
>> That is the second thing you got right.

BURNS TRANSLATION "Fett, Fett! I'm still using stabilisers. Can you teach me
how to ride a bike on two wheels?"

>> > These McCoy liking people are
>> >such arseholes.
>> MacIdiot got three things correct in his post.

BURNS TRANSLATION:  "Fett, Fett! I'm still water wings. Can you teach me how to
swim properly? I paid $72,000 for a swimming pool you know."

>> >(Burns switches of his computer and leans back in his seat.
>> How am I supposed to switch "of" my computer?

Thanks for pointing out the typo. That gives me an opportunity to post the
amended version:

(Scene: A cheap one room apartment in Hawaii. The curtains are closed lest the
real world of sunshine, rolling beaches and a high standard of living intrude
on the life of our sad and lonely anti-hero. Rejection letters from various
publishers litter the floor telling him that his ideas for vampire novels have
been done before...several times. The only light is coming from his computer.
He talks as he types. )

BURNS: (In the voice of Muttley) Hey Fett? What do you think Fett? That's
really funny Fett? I mean what I've just said Fett? It's really funny isn't it
Fett? McCoy's crap. That's a fact. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. That's so funny.
Isn't it Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett? I'm really funny Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett? Oh
come on Fett. At least respond once. I look up to you Fett. You're really
important to my life Fett. Please, please, please, please give me some
attention Fett. What do you think Fett? Eh Fett? Really funny Fett? Eh Fett? Eh
Fett? McCoy's a pile of shit. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. I can't believe that's so funny. Eh Fett? Where's my
thesaurus. Have to find some more words like shit. Eh Fett? Eh...

(The rambling becomes increasingly incoherent and continues for several months
as we fade to a scene from the Happiness Patrol - any scene, it doesn't matter.
Cut to a computer classroom in mainland America. Fett sits down at a console.
He is well built. The captain of the school football team. The most popular guy
in the school. But he has a guilty secret...he spies Danny Schumacher - the
school's main nerd...)

FETT: (Voiceover as Fett thinks to himself) Oh God it's Danny. I feel so guilty
about what I did to him last week. Humiliating him about liking Dr Who. I mean
I like it myself but it would be too embarrassing to tell anybody else. I feel
such a hypocrite...Oh good messages from RADW.

Oh shit that guy Burns is posting. I wish I'd never taken his side in that
flamewar. I thought it was just for a bit of fun but this guy takes it really
seriously. It's unbelievable how much he hates the McCoy season. I mean it
wasn't great but it wasn't that bad.

Oh God he's sucking up to me again. I feel trapped. I've probably been
killfiled by half the newsgroup because of this asshole but I'd look really
weak if I admit that mistake. I'll try and draw him back to reality.  That it
really doesn't matter that much. What's he writing about....

Geez I should have known. McCoy again. Christ, how fucking boring.  Doesn't the
prick realise that people would talk less about McCoy if he didn't make such an
issue about it. Well at least he looks up to me. What's he asking? "Should we
send all the McCoy fans to a comedy club Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett? What do you
think Fett? Eh Fett? What will we call it Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett?"

(Fett looks around but his thoughts drift to thinking about his home...)

FETT: (Voiceover) A shack! That's it. A shack. A Laugh Shack.

(Fett types in "Why not call it the Laugh Shack Burnsy?". Cut back to Burns'

BURNS: (Again talking as he types) Laugh Shack! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Brilliant Fett. Brilliant.  What a
great idea Fett? You're a genius Fett? Aren't you? Eh Fett? Eh Fett? A Laugh
Shack. We could act like the management Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett? Pretend we're
auditioning all those pro-McCoy assholes Fett? Eh Fett? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Brilliant Fett. Hey Fett. Please be a crutch for my bizarre
behaviour Fett. Eh Fett? Eh Fett...

(Again incoherence and repetition occurs but this time for three years. We see
images of Tetraps and Cheetah People dying of severe boredom as Dalek shuttles
mounted with speakers broadcast the repeated messages of "Laugh Shack.  Laugh
Shack. That's really funny Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.  McCoy's
crap. That's really funny Fett. Eh Fett? Eh Fett?". Cut to a teenagers bedroom.
There are posters of Sophie Aldred on every space of the wall. John Long is at
his computer.)

LONG: (Talking to himself as he types frenetically) Must do more Hartnell
reviews. Must do more Hartnell reviews. People might rumble that I've got an
infatuation with Ace. Must do some Hartnell reviews. (He looks at his watch) Oh
my god I've been in this bedroom since 1989. What are these?

(He picks up a pile of unopened envelopes and begins to open them. He looks
aghast as he reads the contents of each.)

LONG: (Talking to himself) My God! All my friends in the real world have got
married! One of them's even retired. What's happened to my life.

(The truth dawns on him.)

LONG: Burns! My God what's happened to me? But I can't stop now. I must go on.
I must go on.

(As he mutates into a badly acted version of Davros he downloads postings from

LONG: Ah, Burnsy's been busy. I really don't want to be flamed by him.  I'm
desperate to be liked but I fear this may have gone too far. Oh God I feel
drawn to agree with Burnsy just in case he says something rude about me...

(He reads Burns's post.)

BURNS: Eh Fett? Eh Fett? McCoy's crap isn't he? Guess what? Some McCoy Troll
signed on today. Yeah Fett. A McCoy Troll on RADW. How dare they Fett? Eh Fett?
Eh Fett? Yeah he said he liked Curse of [spit] Fenric. Eh Fett? Eh Fett? Can
you imagine that Fett? I just called him a Dum Fuck and do you know what Fett?
Eh Fett? Eh Fett? He flamed me Fett. These fucking McCoy fans are such a bunch
of flaming trolls. Eh Fett?...

LONG: Hey Burnsy? It's me. John Long...

BURNS: Yeah right John...Hey Fett? Guess What? McCoy's crap. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Absolutely really funny Fett? Eh
Fett? Laugh Shack! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Laugh Shack! Laugh
Shack. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. The tears are just rolling down my
face Fett. This is so original...

LONG: Burnsy? It's Longie...

BURNS: Yeah John...Hey Fett? Yeah Fett. What's an opinion Fett? Eh Fett? Eh
Fett? Yeah, one McCoy troll said he liked McCoy and that was his opinion Fett.
I don't understand it Fett? What's an opinion Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett? Can we
use it in the Laugh Shack Fett? Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
Ha. Laugh Shack! It's so funny...

LONG: Yeah, it's funny. I know what an opinion is Burnsy. Please Burnsy I

BURNS: still there Fett? Eh Fett? Eh Fett? McCoy is...

(Burns continues rambling and saliva begins shorting the internet.  Long takes a
deep breath and jumps in with his attempt to impress the increasingly deranged

LONG: Yeah, your so right Burnsy. So right man. These McCoy liking people are
such arseholes. They come on here trashing our newsgroup. OUR newsgroup. The
invasive arseholes. How dare they have an opinion about some guy who was Dr Who
on a Dr Who newsgroup? They are such dicks...

(Long continues in the same vein for 48 hours continually referring to Roger
Melly's Profanosaurus for sweary words...)

LONG: ...and in my capacity as the self-appointed spokesperson for RADWEKT* I
know we are the dead popular guys on this group. We have to be cool.  It's
obvious. We use sweary words and insult people. I mean isn't that right folks?

(He presses the "send" button. At that moment the acrid smell of melting
plastic and metal wafts across the entire western world as thousands of ISPs
meltdown due to the number of killfiles operating. With the world weakened
fleets of Bannermen led by a Bertie Basset look-a-like robot descend on the
planet earth...)

BURNS: Eh Fett? Eh Fett?....Shit it's all gone down.

(Burns switches off his computer and leans back in his seat. His right hand
moves up to his neck. In one swift move he removes a rubber mask. It is
Sylvester McCoy!)

McCOY: (To himself) Hmmm. That should help keep the profile up. Now to use my
Mister Doctor Sir account...


* rec.arts.drwho.exclusively.killfiled.trolls

Ian MacAninch
27 Feb 2002


Subject: Re: Books news

 sc0t18nd@aol.compere (Ian MacAninch) wrote in message
> In article Pbhtop writes:
> >Knowing the BBC, I'm probably incorrect, but I can't see the EDA range
> >continuing if Who comes back on TV. Are Worldwide perhaps being told to cut
> >back to prepare the way for a new series? Possibly to coincide with the 40th
> >anniversary? Just a thought...
> Could just be that they've based the decision on general economic forecasting -
>ie an economic downturn with less disposable income for things like DW books.
> Anybody know what the general forecast is for the period ahead?

Partly cloudy, partly sunny, with a growing high pressure zone from
increased Telos output and a continuing deluge of Big Finish.  Plus a
sharp ray of sunshine in the vicinity of the hardback script books,
resulting in a desire for more high-margin hardbacks...

Jon Blum
February 28, 2002


In article (a5lrga$s4i$>,
Brax (Brax(at)> wrote:

>hasn't the Daily Express /really/ gone downhill? Everytime I buy DWM in
>WHSmiths they offer me a free copy...
>(whose dad used to buy it for years until he got fed up with the
>increasingly tabloid standards,

Yes, DWM has really gone to the dogs, hasn't it? What with all the
"Colin Nude Shocka!!!", "My pet ogron is an alien" and "I saw Rassilon
in a dream and he told me how to make $50,000 simply by mining the
gold from Voga, but it all went horribly wrong because I'm a Cyberman"

- Robert Smith?
28 Feb 2002


"Qobil Yunusov" (> wrote in message
> Hi Jewelry Lovers!
>  There is an exclusive scandinavian silver necklace set available on
> eBay Auction at an exclusive price right now! I guarantee this is
> great for gifts and collections.
>  The easiest way to check this out is 1)go to eBay 2)Type "Swedish
> Silver Necklace Set" on a search box, there will be only one search
> result on the screen.
>  Good luck!
>  Yours in success

Not getting burnt twice.  Last time I put one of those in my VHS it
broke the fucker.

Gareth Thomas
1 Mar 2002



"Cameron Mason" (> wrote:

>Meddling Mick (> wrote
>> "Cameron Mason" (> wrote:
>> [snip re: Bernice/Jason split in 'Eternity Weeps']
>> >IIRC, Rebecca Levene was convinced by some of the authors that Jason and
>> >Benny had to split, saying that book ranges couldn't be carried by a
>> >married couple.
>> Oh, I dunno.  Surely four hands are better than two if you're planning
>> on carrying bulky items?
>> (runs away>
>*throws Benny books at Meddling Mick*

(struck on the head, Meddling Mick sinks to the floor, dead.  After a
brief flashback scene featuring various friends saying things along
the lines of "Oh bugger, he owed me a fiver, I'm never going to get it
back now!", the recently deceased form of Mick sits back up suddenly,
discovering he has regenerated into his next incarnation, Nobbling Nick>
(cue theme tune - Steptoe & Son, roll credits>

(Meddling) Mick Gair
March 02, 2002


>Beware MDS.

Nope, I'm sorry, but I can't take it like you meant it.
Every time I see the above I keep thinking Multiple Doctor
Syndrome - you know, where at least three turn up, drink all the tea,
have an argument and turn the telly into a reverse fluid mercuary
static nullifier (well, it might
be a lost Whitaker script).

3 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: Why ask why? Isn't it obvious?


> Because the only entertainment the McCoy era provides is the flames and
> insults
> for McCoy fans at RADW.

So, based on this statement and a quick analysis of your posting habits on
radw, it would be safe to assume that almost to 100% of your enjoyment from
life comes (indirectly) from the McCoy era?

Danny Gooley
March 04, 2002


Subject: Re: What they want you to believe in rec.arts.drwho.....

 Meddling Mick wrote:

> John Long (> wrote:
> >Meddling Mick wrote:
> >> Steve Day
> >> >That Pertwee was shit.
> >>
> >> Oh, that's okay.  I thought that for *decades* before I joined RADW.
> >
> >yes, but Delta and the Bannermen is a work of art, right Mick?
> Good god, I wouldn't say that! (g>  But then again, I wouldn't say
> 'The Time Monster' was a work of art, either.  There's a crap Pertwee
> for every crap McCoy, IMO.
> BTW, why did McCoy come into this?  I don't recall mentioning him? I
> find it quite odd that, for blokes who are supposed to *loathe* McCoy,
> you, DBurns and Fett keep his name alive on a daily basis.  Thanks to
> you guys, he's probably the most talked-about Doctor on this ng.  As
> the saying goes, there's no such thing as 'bad' publicity...?

We don't McCoy mention McCoy that McCoy very McCoy often. You must
McCoy be McCoying of something McCoy else or be McCoy paranoid or
McCoy something. :)

March 04, 2002


Brax (> wrote in message


> I wanted to be Ian Chesterton

I get morning hair that looks like Barbara's...

Cameron Mason
March 03, 2002


Subject: Re: McCoy is awesome. Hartnell sucks. Troughton sucks.

> Ian MacAninch wrote:
>> David Brider wrote:
>>> DBurns6554 wrote:

>> Is such behaviour common amongst ex-campus policemen cum janitors?

What's a cum janitor?! On second thoughts, don't answer that...

Alan G McWhan
March 05, 2002


"Alan S. Wales" (powrwrap@aol.compost> wrote in message
> I know it sounds like something from Hitchhikers Guide but some scientists
> are
> claiming that if you bombard liquid acetone with neutron beams you can
> create bubbles that produce intense fusion-like heat (and light) when they "pop".

Alternatively, you can just fart in the bath.

Gareth Thomas
7 Mar 2002


Subject: A Question about Target novelisations...

On Tue, 5 Mar 2002 20:17:19 -0000, "Cardinal Zorak"
(> wrote:

>See David Brider's post regarding the script names ("The Ultimate Foe",
>"Time, Inc" being their correct titles, "Terror of the Vervoids" not being
>used).  "Time, Inc" would have been pretty cool as Bob Holmes' last title:
>he virtually was 'Dr Who, Inc'.  "The Mutation of Time" was a working title
>for a late episode of DMP but was changed before screening, so it is a
>rename.  I didn't include "Dalek's MAsterplan I: Mission to the Unknown"
>though some loonies argue that the 1-episode story named on screen as
>"Mission to the Unknown" should in fact be called "Dalek Cutaway" 9_9

What confuses me most about it is the inconsistency.  You want
"Mission to the Unknown" to be called "Dalek Cutaway"?  OK.  You want
the first story to be called "100,000 BC"?  OK.  You want Pertwee's
second story to be called "Doctor Who And The Silurians"?  OK.  But
why do you _never_ see these people insisting that the proper title of
his THIRD story is "THE AMBASSADORS (ZWANG!) OF DEATH"?  I mean, the
"Zwang!" sound effect is an absolutely integral part of the title, and
I for one am sick and tired of people talking about this story under
an incorrect and incomplete title.

March 09, 2002


Subject: Re: Sam Jones on audio!

On Sat, 9 Mar 2002 17:49:02 -0000, "Brax" (>
>bugger bloody buggery hell!

Is that Lawrence Miles' next EDA? :)

Gordon Dempster
March 09, 2002


On Thu, 14 Mar 2002 22:16:15 -0000, "Thomas Greeves"
(> wrote:

>I explained the plot of the five doctors (without mentioning WHO to a
>colleague the other day.  He thought it sounded like a good porn movie.  He
>wants to borrow it (but he hates doctor who)_

So, someone gets this guy, right, four copies of him, from different
times in his life, and drops them someplace. Then we see a girl and a
"man on a boat", in this long lingering scene where she just lies
there talking about labourers and stuff. I think it was a clip from
the 70s. And the four guys all meet these girls they used to know
(except one whose with a guy, but after a while they meet this other
girl and guy they used to know). One of the girls keeps calling the
guys "grandfather", even the one who's younger than her. Then all
these guys covered in silver paper show up and start waving their big
guns around, and then there's these big hairy guys, and guys with egg
whisks and plungers. And then one of these guys meets this guy he used
to know, "the Master", who always carries around this black rod with a
knob on the end. Forget what it's called, something to do with tissues
I think. And then the four guys all come together in the climactic
scene. Yours for $50, money well spent, nudge nudge wink wink.

Daniel Frankham
15 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: Makes me think...

Cameron Mason wrote in message
>Cardinal Zorak wrote in message
>> > Why the fuck are the BBC still using icons from Doctor Who when it
>> > doesn't give a shit about the programme anyway?
>> Let's see... 22 books a year, the first webcast, CDs, videos...
>Why don't they just go the whole hog and produce a new television series of
>Doctor Who?
>(Cue standard BBC response to this type of question...)

Dear Sir

Controller of BBC1 Ms Lorraine Heggessy has asked me to say that she hates
Science Fiction and doesn't want any of that childish tat on her channel.
It makes her vomit.

Besides, there is no room with the 24 hours of alternating 'EastEnders' and
'Casualty' which she is introducing from tomorrow.  Everyone knows that
these are her favourite programmes and wants them shown as much as possible
in place of everything else.

The new 24-hour channels being introduced are as follows.

BBC-A: Animals (the Controller says we never see enough of Rolf Harris)
BBC-B: Boring cookery shows (ditto Ainsley Harriott)
BBC-C: Casualty (well, dur....)
BBC-D: Bit of an arguament on this one, as Head of Drama suggested bringing
back Dr Who but was demoted to Children's Programmes as a warning. So this
has also gone to the dogs, as has the entire BBC. So more Rolf.
BBC-E: EastEnders: The cast have agreed to live in the sets on a permanent
basic, making a soap as well as a documentary of life in the east end.  Cor
blimey love a duck van Dyke.
BBC-F: Fuck all worth watching.

Further plans for additional channels "BBC Quirke", "BBC Old Men in
Yorkshire Which Isn't Funny Anymore" and "BBC we used to have Sport" are in

Yours Sincerely

A. Bootlicking-Arsewipe
Groveller-in-Chief (Programming)

David Brunt
March 14, 2002


(Yes, yes, I know it's just Zorak nominating yours truly, but it *is*

Subject: Re: Political Ideology of fans (not a troll/flamewar)

"Auntie Krizu" (> wrote in message
> "Cameron Mason" (> kirjoitti viestissä
> news:3c967613$0$28439$
> >
> > Jonathan Blum (> wrote in message
> > news:a75o33$c6a$
> > (snip>
> > > Well that was shirty of me.  Sorry, I had a bad day there.  Allow
> me to
> > > apologize profusely and hope that this doesn't tip the thread away
> from
> > > its previous civilized state...
> >
> > Bah.
> > Gug.
> > Urrrrr...
> > *random grunts*
> Hunga-unga-bunga? Urkkety grunttety Pertweety Hugety Nosety Ug.
> Squealaty Jograntity Bimboty ugh. Beardety Bastardity Mastardety

Ug file!!

Cardinal Zorak
19 Mar 2002


"The Doctor" (> wrote in message
> In article (>, John Long  (>
> >The Doctor wrote:
> >>
> >> John, you an I will agree on this one as he brings in troublemaker
> >> that does not advance anything in the group.
> >
> >I'm glad that you agree, duder.
> >
> We rarely agree but when we do ...

You make sweet luuuurve.

Gareth Thomas
19 Mar 2002

"The Doctor" (> wrote in message
> IT was originally call the Mutants?  Was the BBC looking at their records??
> Radiation gage?  How did they get Earth devices in Skaro?
> Ugly looking creature in that pepperpot.
> Testy old adventurer.
> Futuristic cities.
> Xenophobic.
> The Dals you say?
> Pacificism.
> Did Ian have to make that point so bluntly?
> The early Thals.

Jumpers for goalposts..........

Chris Parrott
20 Mar 2002



I did.  I killed the Dodos.  I even started up a chain....  Kentucky
Fried Dodo.  Unfortunately, there weren't as many dodos as I expected,
and I had to close it down.  :)

March 19, 2002


Subject: Re: Further future DVD thoughts

Brax (> wrote in message
> news:a7e6n1$k99$
> > Sylv- Battlefield.
> Curse of Fenric, either that or

Nice, but it depends on the extras.

> Ghost Light with a commentry by Platt and Cartmel...

"Ah this scene symbolises- bugger, that was a bit quick, this scene is
where- shit, missed it again..."

(Ghostlight should have been four episodes!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Cameron Mason
March 22, 2002


Re: If you were novelizing City of Death...

On Fri, 22 Mar 2002 01:02:23 GMT, "Shane \"Remo D\" Dallmann"
(> wrote:

> would you handle the John Cleese cameo?  Would you just describe the
>scene as it appears, or would you try to drop a hint or a bit of wordplay
>that would tip the reader off that he was to picture Cleese at that point?

Johann Clues liked art.

He had discovered this some time in the 1960s, around the time the art
world was moving on from the mild but dull oddness of cubism and
futurism and surrealism, to the less mild but much duller oddness of
guys in suits standing around all day - but in an art gallery. But it
was all tremendously *intellectually* exciting, of course.

After several years of struggling through a degree in fine arts and
trying awfully hard to understand and appreciate it all, he had been
standing in a gallery in Soho one day in 1967, watching a still life
called "Nude in Chair" which, however hard he tried to analyse it,
just seemed to be a naked woman sitting in a chair, when a revelation
came upon him. Hardly knowing what he was doing, he found himself
turning to the attractive young flower child beside him, and
explaining, with great eloquence and persuasiveness, what it all

Afterwards he wasn't even sure quite what he'd said, and the little
that he remembered didn't make a great deal of sense to him. It was as
though his higher brain functions had gone to sleep, and some kind of
hitherto unsuspected art sense had taken over his mouth for a few
minutes. And it worked a charm. Because the chicks, as they used to
say in 1967, really dug it.

So here he was twelve years later, in Paris with Lenore Braun, art
critic for that French art magazine which fortunately he didn't have
to pretend to read, since nobody expected the English to learn the
Frog language just to read art magazines, not even leading art
academics. He'd had his eye on her for years now, after catching the
odd fleeting glimpse, trying but never quite succeeding in initiating
contact with an occasional awkward English nod and mouthed greeting at
various conferences and exhibitions, and now through a stroke of sheer
luck he'd found her entirely by chance in some obscure little gallery
and introduced himself as the great English art critic (not that he
said it of course, but in the art world in which she moved his name
was synonymous with the expression) and soon his tongue would be
working its magic upon her.

But there was nothing there. He stared long and hard, but... nothing.
He started to say something about a painting of coloured geometric
shapes, hoping he could kickstart it by getting his mouth moving, but
it went nowhere and he had to pretend it had only been a coughing fit.
Coloured geometric shapes. Seen it, talked it up, finished with it. It
was a problem he'd faced only a few times before. He had come up with
a theory: that whatever part of his brain was responsible for the
Gift, actually needed some kind of artistic stimulation to get it
going, needed to be fed. He had come to think of it as almost a living
thing, a thing that ate art and shat first-class criticism out of his
mouth. And it was getting nothing here.

He began to sweat. It had never been this bad before. Lenore was
starting to look at him askance, clearly asking herself if this tall,
dark, devilishly handsome Englishman's reputation was all it was
cracked up to be. If something didn't happen soon, he'd lose her, and
then would he ever have the confidence to bring a woman into an art
gallery again?

He turned away from the wall in despair, and there it was. A simple,
tall, blue wooden box. An old Police Box, in fact, like he used to see
a lot in the 60s, back when the Gift had come so effortlessly. And as
he looked at it his mouth began to move, and his higher brain centers
nestled warmly into their familiar cocoon, and it was good.

Daniel Frankham
23 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: Topics we can discuss from Edge of Destruction

Brax wrote:
> "John Long" (> wrote in message
> > Brax wrote:
> > >
> > > John Long
> > > > We can also discuss how crappy it is.
> > >
> > > hey, it's not crappy!
> >
> > It's not?
> No, it's rather scary if you put yourself in the shoes of Ian and Barbara
> and forget all about the hundreds of stories that are to follow.
> They're trapped in an alien space/time craft which appears to be alive and
> under the possession of an alien force, the only person who can control the
> thing is wounded and hasn't regained consciousness yet, and the one person
> they thought they knew is now attacking them with scissors and screaming.
> That's pretty far from being crappy

 Actually, I've had dates that ended like this...
and let me tell ya, it's crappy with a capital C.

unable to help himself.
March 23, 2002


Subject: Re: Worst Reputation Of WHO Actor?

In article (>,
JerryD (> wrote:

>Maybe you could come up with scandals like 'Davison pays for bag of milk
>with a five pound note...tells clerk to keep change!'
>or 'McCoy gives donation to local charity!'
>awful stuff like that. :)

"Davison seen frowning! Shocked fan says, 'I always thought he had such a
pleasant, open face!'"

The Stainless Steel Cat
March 24, 2002


Subject: Re: What Was DWB Like?

Steve Roberts:

> Shakedown.
> Steve









Danny Gooley
March 25, 2002


The Doctor
> Daniel Gooley
> >The Doctor
> >
> >> They must be disposed of here.
> >
> >They are.  That's the problem.
> >
> >Somewhere out there is a big sign on radw which says "Please dispose of
> your
> >troublemakers here".  I say we find it and tear it down.
> >
> Taken care of as of the Adrics.

You, my dear Sir, are a puzzle wrapped in an enigma, dangled from a
quandry, filtered through an ambiguity, stirred with an obscurity and locked
in a bewilderment at an unknown location, unlocked only with a key the
wrong size which never existed.

Danny Gooley

Subject: Re: Site with the nude photos of Brooke Burke

 Celebrities Exposed wrote:
 > (html>
 > (body>
 > (br>(br>
 > (a href=" Follow this
 > link to my site of celebrities exposed!(/a>
 > (/body>
 > (/html>

 Surely that should be:

 (larm>       (rarm>
     (lleg> (rleg>
    (/lleg> (/rleg>

Danny Gooley
March 26, 2002


Subject: Re: Future State of the English Language

The Doctor:

> In the 4th Doctor Era,  we heard Calling him an amusement and saw Egsit.
> How far can the language evoled?

Well, since your time they've stitched it together into a more or less
coherent whole.

Danny Gooley
March 27, 2002


Sent: Tuesday, March 26, 2002 11:41 PM
Subject: Re: Shock horror! The idea that books might be better than
the TV series!

In article (3ca058e8$0$17316$>,
Cameron Mason (> wrote:

>Finn Clark (> wrote in message
>> I post reviews, some of 'em so nasty and slimy that the authors take pops
> >at
>> me in return.  (Well, it's only happened once - but we live in hope.)

>I'm still waiting for Gary to get his revenge on me, due to my ripping to
>shreds review of Divided Loyalties...

Dear Mr Dixon,

We apologise for the delay in exacting a horrible and painful revenge on
you, on behalf of our client Mr Russell for your review of his novel
"Divided Loyalties". We would like to assure you that we are very
committed to taking revenge upon all reviewers of said book and indeed we
have forsaken all other work for the immediate future to concentrate on
this task.

You have been placed in the queue, but regretfully we must ask for your
patience in this matter, as we do not anticipate getting to your case
until sometime around 2015. And we're working alphabetically.

Yours etc etc

Rag, Nah and Rock
Solicitors of law
United Kingdom

Robert Smith?
March 26, 2002


Subject: Re: answer this.

In article (a7uh46$cmu$>,
Finn Clark (> wrote:

>(Kinda ironic that the U.S.A. is the last country on Earth to stand
>foursquare behind "Imperial" measurements, by the way.  :-)

In fact, it was this very dilemma which was believed to have sent the
Yadsbot insane in the first place.

 - Robert Smith?
Member - Measurements International  In 1492 the METRE was violated.
This is       Ici
The kilogram MUST be saved! Fluid ounces must dissolve.
Beware of defining as long only those who share your length

Robert Smith?
March 28, 2002


Subject: Re: Monster's Ball

Wasn't that one of the alternate titles for Creature from the Pit?

Lance Hall
30 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: Iceberg

"Trey Korte" (> wrote in message

> Anyone remember this one?  What did you think?

Memorable for the identical twin brother and sister (just think about
that!), the Ford Trimotor, the frozen ship, and Dirk Pitt posing as what the
writer thinks it's like to be gay...

Not to be confused with that Clive Cussler book where the Cybermen invade an
ocean liner.

David A McIntee
24 Mar 2002


Subject: Re: Problems with Remembrance Part One (J2rider) wrote in message
> 4)  Ace.  One of her better stories but boy she puts me off as a character.
> >>>>>>>
> I agree. She's arrogant, self righteous, judgemental, aggressive rather than
> assertive, violent, loud, abrasive, and over the top! And to add to that: she's
> rather stupid about the Doctor too.

"arrogant, self righteous, judgemental, aggressive rather than
assertive, violent, loud, abrasive, over the top, and rather stupid
about the Doctor"....sounds very familiar.

That's it!  Ace is rec.arts.drwho and I claim my five pounds.


(PS: you just hate anyone who's a teenager but who isn't Adric.)

Jim Vowles
April 08, 2002


In article (>,
JerryD  (> wrote:

>Andrew McCaffrey wrote:

>> JerryD (> wrote:
>> > Oh right, sorry..I was thinking of Stacy..
>> > and I don't actually own a copy of PLACEBO to check these things in.
>> > the two S's just sort of showed up and then vanished again, didn't they?

>> Yeah, they show up at the beginning, and after about a third of the book
>> they simply aren't mentioned again.  I was expecting at least a "Ben and
>> Polly show up at the end to leave" sequence... ;>

>Gawd...and wasn't part of that book inspired by RADW?

The deeply flawed, but mildly entertaining in a stupid kind of way,
flame war that takes place for no apparent reason, with ill thought out
arguments and obstinant people who won't concede a point on either
side that comprises the central part of the book? Hmm, yes, you might be on
to something there...

>and it features the Wirrn..hmm..might be appropriate to the ARK IN SPACE
>I'll have to borrow it and give it another read..

For God's sake, man, you have so much to live for. It can't have come
to this, it just can't. Please, I beg of you, come back from the ledge.
Put the copy of Placebo Effect down and step back slowly. We all believe
in you. We know you can do it.

 - Robert Smith?
9 Apr 2002

Re: Pertwee's Jacket(s)

"Nyctolops" (nyctolop@concentric.netball> wrote in message
> On Fri, 12 Apr 2002 19:50:43 GMT, (Peter Gregg)
> wrote:
> >In article (>, Nyctolops
(> wrote:
> >>On Fri, 12 Apr 2002 19:26:12 +0100, "Parsley"
> >>(> wrote:
> >>
> >>
> >>>> The Eighth Doctor does go through several coats in the books.  For
> >>>> some reason, they keep getting ruined.  Poor fellow.
> >>>
> >>>Is that to do with the boring repetitive torture scenes? :D
> >>
> >>Sometimes.  Other times his coat just gets ruined in all the
> >>excitement.  I am really glad that the authors seem to have given up
> >>on the Doctor torture business, though.  I never liked it.
> >
> >I agree.  For me it wasn't the torture as much as it was torture every book.
> >
> Yes, it got really, really old really, really fast.  For me, anyway.

For me, too.  I also felt that way about Fitz's girlfriends getting killed.
They kill the poor dope's mother in his first story, and pretty soon he
seemed to develop a habit of falling for the Dr Who equivalent of
red-uniformed Star Trek ensigns.

"Hi, I'm Fitz."
"Hi Fitz, I'm-" BRZAP as the girl gets shot by a stray laser bolt.

"Hi, I'm Fitz."
"Fitz, good to meet you.  My name is-" SQUISH as her brain is melted and
reshaped by a random evil alien.

"Hi, I'm Fitz."
"H-" BABAFOOM as she spontaneously combusts for no real reason.

And so on.

Rob T Firefly
14 Apr 2002


The BBC would only make a new series of Doctor Who if it involved
DIY and cooking. Perhaps if someone made a pilot episode in the form of a
"A Day in the Life of a Time Traveller" - follows a humanoid calling
himself The Doctor.

7:00 am - a terrific recipe for Altairian pancakes, with a glass of
freshly chilled ucca juice

8:00 am - bloody Daleks again, always trying to take over the
universe, run up some stairs then remember that they can now follow

10:00 am - Master calls around, strokes his beard, chuckles evilly
for half an hour and accuses the Doctor of being naive. Proceeds to take over
the universe by sending strange hypnotic signals via mobile phones.

12:00 am - foiled the Master's plan, time for lunch

2:00 pm - Cybermen try to break into the Bank of England, thankfully
a group of children visiting the bank as part of their school project (all
gold star winners) helped to wipe out the silver giants...until next time

4:00 pm - A little trip to Metebelis 3 for a special report on
environmental concerns.

6:00 pm - Some DIY tips: how to maintain the police box exterior of your
TARDIS, put up some shelves for all those little mementos of visits
to other planets, and re-organise the cloister room with a few

8:00 pm - afternoon tea - the Doctor shows us his special recipe for
dropped scones.

9:00 pm - someone from the Doctor's past turns up and threatens to
reveal all unless he goes on a rampage through history stealing art
treasures. The Doctor's companions, meanwhile, writhes in sexual ecstasy with Lord
Byron for no reason other than to ensure the ratings go above 10

Stephen Carlin
14 Apr 2002


Subject: Re: Pertwee's Jacket(s) (r.   smith) wrote in message
> In article (>,
> Bob (> wrote:
> >In article (a8vbvi$ov4$>, Andrew McCaffrey
> >(> wrote:
> >> In fact, the seeds of this started before Season 18.  Starting from Tom
> >> Baker's first season, the Doctor rarely changed costume, while the
> >> companion gets a new miniskirt/bell-bottoms/overalls just about every
> >> story.  I don't think the first or second Doctors changed costume much
> >> either, though in black and white, it's probably easier to get away with that.
> >Actually if you look closely you will notice that Hartnell's waist coats
> >did change and so did his trousers.
> But Pat Troughton's underpants were a universal constant.

Yes, they were considered by many fans to be among the best underpants
ever. In them, the Doctor underwent adventures with several cute girls
and a guy in a skirt.

Sadly, the BBC destroyed most of his underpants in a periodic purge of
the BBC laundryroom. Those underpants that remain aren't in the best
of shape due to the tendency of cotton to degrade even under the best
of storage scenarios.  One particular lost episode (episode three of
"The Boxer Rebellion") was known to have failed to last out the week,
but this was due to a bleach accident at Mrs. Troughton's home rather
than any particular stupidity on behalf of the BBC.

In recent years, the BBC has made a concerted effort to retrieve and
restore any of the missing undies which may be held in private
collections.  No doubt this is due to the commercial success and
intense fan interest in undies of the earlier Doctors.  Thanks to that
effort, the odd t-shirt or set of boxers has materialized, but the
possibilities to be found in Hong Kong and Australian collectors are
quickly drying up.  One pair of thermal underpants remains from The
Abominable Snowmen, but otherwise only private photographs are to be
found. However, a notable exception is the underpants *and* t-shirt
from Tomb of the Cybermen, which enabled the BBC to release the entire
set of skivvies to the public. It is one of the few victories in the
search for lost undies.

If you have any information about Pat Troughton's underpants, you may
want to let Steve Roberts of the restoration team know about them....

-Jim "boxers or briefs" Vowles
13 Apr 2002


Subject: Re: Since there don't seem to be that many posts on Dr. Who
right now, a Frobisher Question...

In article (>, (Sean Daugherty) wrote:

>"Brax" (> wrote in message
>> "Sean Daugherty" (> wrote in message
>> > "Brax" (> wrote in message
>>  news:(a8t6t4$ffv$>...
>> > > Btw, do people realise that Frobisher's not his real name? He borrowed
>>  it
>> > > from this guy here:
>> > > (that's not a typo, not on my part anyway)
>> >
>> > Yes, but do you know his real name? To my knowledge, its mentioned
>> > only in his introductory story....
>> but /was/ that his real name? (it was on his office door in The Shape
>> Shifter)
>True, but there seems to be fewer reasons for him to adopt an alias
>for his primary job: it doesn't seem like it would serve much purpose.
>It's certainly possible, though.

He just doesn't want to be associated with his early career as a child TV
star on Earth. But I can now officially out him:

Frobisher's real name is...


The Stainless Steel Cat
April 15, 2002


Subject: Male, 34, smoker...

... seeks short list of NAs, 1-3 years old (since the one where Fitz first
joined up) for a good time. Must be self-contained and give a good gist of
where the series has progressed since then.

No Dicks.

Danny Gooley
April 16, 2002

Brad Filippone (> wrote:

> If "The Twin Dilemma" were written by William Shakespeare

In sooth, my lord, thou wert a comely beau
Till though didst fall upon the Tardis' floor,
And mutter 'Is this death?', and strangely glow.
Who wast this Adric that thou callest for?
If changing bodies is a Time Lord norm
Wherefore hast thou assumed this porky form?
This transformation is the stuff of dreams;
Thy cricket outfit's splitting at the seams.

Thou foolish wench! I charge thee to forget
My former self. *I* am the Doctor now.
That epicene, effete, benighted vet
Has buggered off to do another show.
I'll have no celery, I'll wear no beige:
With Saward's help, I'll find another angle.
And now 'tis time I flew into a rage:
Stay at my side. I need someone to strangle.

(Exeunt pursued by a slug)

Miche Doherty
17 Apr 2002

"Gareth Thomas" (> wrote in message
> "D Picton" (> wrote in message
> > >> Women?  Those'll be those weirdly bumped creatures I sometimes see out
> the
> > >> window.
> > >
> > >You mean they aren't Daleks?
> > >
> >
> > Daleks don't jiggle when they walk, at least not on purpose. Of course
> > there are some women who don't jiggle, there you've got pause to
> > wonder (or just stare).
> Daleks give a great plunger job.  Apparently.

If you later find out it's one of the movie Daleks, with a claw instead of a
plunger, is that officially a "Crying Game" moment?

 -- Rob T Firefly
17 Apr 2002


Subject: Re: Do Doctor Who fans believe in order?

> (The Doctor) wrote in message
> Or in discord?

We now present Daibhid's Flippant Answer

I believe in order. My videos start with "Unearthly Child" and end
with "The TV Movie". I also believe in discord, which is why I'm not
allowed a guitar.

That was Daibhid's Flippant Answer. Daibhid accepts no responsibility
for any percieved meaning you may see in this answer, or liability for
any irritation you may feel about the lack of one. Actual amusement
upon reading is not guaranteed. Daibhid apologises for wasting time
and bandwidth like this and is going to get some sleep before posting
again. Relative worth of Daibhid's posts may go down as well as up.
Your house may be at risk if you smoke in bed. Manufactured in the UK.
Not suitable for children over the age of five.

Daibhid Chienedelh
19 Apr 2002


Subject: Re: [Pro-Fun] Revenge Of Silly Titles (Benjamin F. Elliott) wrote in message
> Some new titles to do wacky dialogue with.
9. The Invasion Of Woolworth's

"With alien monsters attacking, the CD section in flames and our
gardening equipment being used as makeshift weapons by the desperate
customers, you might just forget what you came in for."

Daibhid Chienedelh
20 Apr 2002


Subject: Re: Hartnell stories: The Daleks' Master Plan (lengthy

Arb Fri, 26 Apr 2002 05:15:54 +0100, Adam Richards
(> skrunggeret:

>All of Nations' fetishes (invisibility, radiation, carnivorous plants,
>bombs) get a look in here

By golly, he must have had an interesting sex life.
No wonder he's dead.


(Mmmm... invisible radioactive plants that eat you and then explode.)

Conrad (Unkempt)
April 26, 2002


Subject: Re: [Pro-Fun] More WHO Toy Ideas (Bokman7757) wrote in message
> I recently got one of the Product Enterprises Talking Daleks and I've been
> basking in its coolness. Before my WHO purchases have been confined to videos,
> books, CDs, etc., so having a full three-dimensional WHO monster on my desk is
> pretty neat. We've done this in the past, but the merchandising well can't be
> dry yet.

A *proper* TARDIS Playtent. Perfect for kids with small back gardens
who want to hold full scale football matches.

Daibhid Chienedelh
5 May 2002


Subject: Re: UNIT And The Brigadear Getting Their Own Series

In article (ab3lct$nk7$>,
"Not Irving, the other Brax" (> wrote:

>"Representative Trantis" (> wrote in message
>> On 'Resistance Is Useless' it is said that there were plans to give UNIT
>> The Brigadear their own series,
>> Does anyone know any more about this?
>Oh, I thought that's what Dad's Army was...

Brigadier: Sgt. Benton! Chap with the wings: five rounds rapid!
Benton: Are you sure that's wise sir?
Pvt. Adric: Can I drive the Landrover sir?
Brigadier: You stupid boy.
7th Doctor: We'rrrre all dooomed. Doooomed!
1st Doctor: Excuse me Brigadier, do you think I could be excused?
Pvt. Drax: 'Ere, I can get you a used 'And of Omega. Fell of the back of a
3rd Doctor: (gurn> They don't like it up 'em!
Vicar: Now see what you've done, you *silly* little man! You've spoiled my
plans for galactic domination. (Yes folks, it's Reverend Magister.)

The Stainless Steel Cat
May 06, 2002


Subject: Re: ot star wars soundtrack spoiler space given

No offence, Mac - but *spoiler space for a musical score*?!

That's netiquette gone mad.

They'll be doing it for winetasting next:

'u doods tried the 1998 Cabernet Sauvignon, Alexander Valley??


This Cabernet Sauvignon presents bright, intense, almost syrupy aromas of
ripe red cherries and berries and a touch of vanilla on the nose. The wine
is supple and seamless on the palate, with abundant, juicy cherry and
blackberry flavors carrying through a complex finish.

Gareth Thomas

9 May 2002

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