The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Dec. 96/Jan. 97

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith

Welcome to the December - January Quote File!

The Quote File, for those who don't know is a collection of all the best 
(and usually funniest) quotes from rec.arts.drwho. It's been a 
long-standing tradition, run by Richard "Halibut" Salter, Chris Heer and 
now myself. 

Actually, most of the credit for this Quote File goes to Chris Heer, who 
collected the majority of quotes. I came to it fairly late in the day, so 
you can blame me for the unfunny bits and him for the good ones.

If you see a post that you think particularly amusing and worthy of entry 
in the Quote File, don't hesitate to email a copy to me at:

Of course, there's an equally long tradition of shouting "Quote File!" in 
the newsgroup and I'll try to catch those I see, but there's no 
guarantee, so it's better to send me a copy as well. Please try and 
attach the person's email address as well as their name in full (ie 
preferably not just the first name). 

On with the quotes!


[on the subject of the Doctor's name]

The Doctors name begins with an "R" because all the baddies say "R 
Doctor, we meet again"

Shaun Jameson (>


>"Kill Them, Quarks!"
>"No, their batteries will go flat"
>"Oh, all right then" (sulk>

Must be fun sharing a long car journey with the Dominators.

"Can we have the radio on?"
"No, the batteries will go flat."
"Can we have the heating on?"
"No, the batteries will go flat."
"Can we have the windscreen wipers on?"
"No, the batteries will go flat."
"Can we have the headlights on?"
"No, the batteries will   CRRRRAAAAAAAAASSSSHHHHH!!!!!!!

Richard Augood (>


[Grant meeting Benny in a future Virgin NA]

> Naturally, he'd be on his own (having been left somewhere by the Doctor)
> and he and Benny could interact without realising that the other was also
> a companion of the Doctor.

Benny: "How do we get out of this?"
Grant: "Uh, well, try reversing the polarity of the...." (w/ Benny)
       "...neutron flow."
Benny: "Did you ever meet...."
Grant: "Big blue..."
Benny: "And it's bigger inside..."
Grant: "Mutlicoloured coat, and...."
Benny: "No.  Must be someone else."
Grant: "Guess so.  Sorry."

Pab Sungenis (>


[Subject: Re: Finally exposed to Colin Baker and...]

...he said "put it away" and threatened to call the police.

Richard Augood (>


> >John Pertwee is to be the first in a new series of Radio Lives on Radio 4 (U
> >on Thursday 1 November 1996 around 7.20 pm.
> Thirty days hath september...............

Surely that's "Thirty Dayth Hath Theptember"?

Aroon, aroon!

Rob (>


>Do any of these 2 inch masters exist, or have they ALL been wiped?

I believe there was one in Planet of Fire, and as far as I know, that story
still exists. So yes.



The Doctor ( says...

>BTW Hoser, GREAT list, as good as the official Clubs' Listing for r.a.dw
>found on

I find myself compelled to make a sentence from the following words: "damned," 
"praise," "with," and "faint."

Christopher D. Heer (>


>I find myself compelled to make a sentence from the following words: "damned," 
>"praise," "with," and "faint."

I find myself compelled to make a sentance with the words 'quote'
and 'file', however that would be a noun which on it's own isn't a

Alden Bates (>


>>[...] You're assuming they're (The Daleks) either 
>>incredibly arrogant or incredibly dumb.


>Which definition of "incredibly arrogant" does this fail to satisfy?

Or "incredibly dumb," for that matter?



[Things I learnt from Doctor Who]

101: Anyone who doesn't live in London:

   a) lives in a mansion

or b) poaches

or c) has second sight

or d) worships Satan

or e) various combinations of the above

With a special note: if Scottish, plays bagpipes; if Welsh, works down
t'pit, (or did afore they shut it down).

102: Aliens are always green, and come in threes.

103: Mining is the Universe's biggest industry

104: Species besides homo sapiens are usually either good or bad. The few
morally ambivalent races have a pronounced class system.

105: Soldiers drink lots of tea, and never swear.

106: As you go through life, always remember not to stop and smell the
plastic flowers.

107: Laughter is a universal language. Especially evil laughter.

108: Anyone who comes from outer space probably wants to kill, enslave, or
eat us. Unless they have a sidekick wearing a miniskirt.

109: Sideburns good. Moustache good. Beard evil.

110: You can never solve a problem with guns. Try the bazooka instead.

Daniel Frankham (>


>>The DDD are a myth. People say they retreated beyond the rim of the
>>galaxy a thousand years ago, I say they never existed.

>>So you're having trouble with the PBB? Why stop at annexing them? The
>>people I work for can help you get what you want. Tell me Marcus, what
>>do you want?

>1 - Total control of this newsgroup
>2 - The blonde one from Howards Way
>3 - A new series of Who

Bzzzt!  I'm sorry, Marcus.  The correct answer is:

"What do *I* want, Mr Shields?  I want the WNB to stretch forth its hand 
across Usenet.  I want to stop running around the newsgroup like a 
poster desperate to get into the stats, afraid of lag, afraid of false 
rumors.  I want the glory days of Seasons 19 and 20.  I want it all 
back, the way that it was.  Does that answer your question, Mr Shields?"

"If you go to Edmonton, you will die."
birdsong-TARDIS dematerialization noise-keyboard clacking

Ian McIntire


Ladies and gentlemen, it's the one, the only, John-the-Banana Peel, the
slipperiest fighter ever to step into the radw ring!

*DING!* Round one...  on the subject of John including lots of toplessness
and so forth in Genesys...

>: Nevertheless, it's part of the style of the show, which you didn't follow.
>: You innovated.

>Nope. I never showed a breast for a second. I simply mentioned them.

OOOOOOOH!  What a duck!  High marks on form for that one -- not only does
it completely avoid the fact that they never even *mentioned* topless
women in Who before, but it provides all sorts of distractions for the
unwary counter-arguer.  If someone follows up on the temptation to explain
how describing something into a book is the same as showing it on-screen,
then the argument spirals off down a completely different path and the
original challenge to Peel's point is forgotten about.  Clever strategy,
wouldn't you say, Bob?

--Yes indeed, Jim, and it's a hallmark of Peel's style.  Anyway, into 
round two... *DING!* 

>: The fact that John doesn't see the juvenile titillation in "Genesys",
>: which everyone from the DWM reviewer to countless zine articles picked up
>: on, perhaps says more about John than it does about whether or not the
>: book is actually smutty.  :-)

>And I imagine you go into museums to get aroused? 

WHOA!  A wild swing out of nowhere from Peel, straight into low-blow
territory!  Completely dodging the pointed attack, and in the process
managing to suggest that his work has claim to be fine art!  Course, Peel
does leave himself open to a couple of possible counterattacks, Bob --
first because he's already conceded the all-important
it's-all-a-matter-of-taste argument, thus leaving him defenceless against
the point that to the taste of a wide variety of people, including the
ones mentioned above, the book seemed kinda sleazy. 

--I'd have to agree, Jim, I think this whole line of attack was a bit of a
miscalculation on Peel's part.  Instead of saying "What smut?  I don't see
what you're talking about", thus making it look like he really can't see
what's possibly a bit suspect about describing a thirteen-year-old ritual
prostitute's body, I would probably have gone much more for the "yeah, I
know the bits you mean, but they fit the story, and I tried to do it in
the best possible taste" defence.  Then he wouldn't have been open for the
admittedly dubious jab Blum got in earlier.

Too true, Bob, too true.  And second, Peel's response leaves him wide open
to whoever wants to point out that even historically accurate art can be
created to be titillating.

--You're right, Jim.  Why, just the other day I was at the Louvre, and
there's this portrait of Cupid and Psyche, and *oh* man the huzzangas on

Um, Bob, I think that's another of Peel's cunning distractions.  Let's not
go there.  I think we're getting away from what our audience is here

--Ah, yes, right as always, Jim.  *DING!*  Round three...

>: Nevertheless, the fact remains that in Doctor Who as it had always been
>: known before, you would never have seen Gilgamesh licking wine off a
>: serving girl's breasts, or had jokes about a teenage prostitute, or had
>: female characters walking around topless (regardless of historical
>: accuracy).  Hell, on TV, we weren't even allowed to see Ace's unshaven
>: armpits!  :-)  

>There were no jokes about teenage prostitution. That's not a funny 

Ooooh!  Bad slip from John as he ducks and weaves, leaving him wide-open
to a one-two punch of "lying down on the job, eh?" and "professional
ceiling inspector"!

>Gilgamesh, on the other hand, was meant to look like a jackass. 
>And books aren't limited by what you can and cannot do on TV. I introduced 
>Dalek armadas in my novelization of "Masterplan" that were also unseen on 
>TV and nobody complained.

Now you see, Bob, this is a sign of what makes Peel's fancy footwork so
impressive.  When this bout started, Peel was the one saying that
"innovation is a major mistake", that the books should be faithful to what
was on TV, and that's the whole reason Blum started pointing out the
innovations Peel introduced in "Genesys".  But now Peel's managed to
shuffle himself around to the other side, to the point where he's citing
other bits of innovation and bits going beyond the TV stories as his

--I'll say, Jim, that's Peel's slipperiness at its best.  Float like a
butterfly, sting like a...  uh, butterfly?  No, that can't be right...

And I must say I'm impressed with Blum's response -- instead of continuing
to attack Peel on this point, he's lowered his gloves and shaken Peel's
hand, glad that Peel has finally conceded his point.  *DING!*  On to round

>: For example, any sign of Sylvester McCoy.  :-)  (Not wanting to
>: characterize the Doctor as a manipulator is one thing, but you could at
>: least have made some effort to give the Doctor Sylv's mannerisms, instead
>: of bits cribbed from Troughton's or Hartnell's...)

>Are you *sure* you read "Genesys"? The bit where he's captured in the 
>temple, to me, is pure Syl. He's on the slab, awaiting processing and 
>tries to convince Ace he doesn't need rescuing. 

Hmm!  A new approach from Peel here -- actual textual support for his
arguments.  It's an effective gambit -- it gets Blum to pick up and
skim-re-read the book, and actually concede that there are bits which are
fairly Sylvester McCoy.

--But wait, Jim, wait...  Now Blum is counterattacking with a bunch of
bits in the book which clearly *aren't* McCoy! 

"He turned away, bent down and, with regret, punched Ace in the jaw.  She
stopped screaming and rolled over, unconscious."  The idea of the seventh
Doctor punching someone out is a bit odd -- especially when you consider
that in "Battlefield" and "Survival" he shows he can knock people out with
a finger pressed against their forehead.

"When Ace didn't answer, he pulled a face.  'You don't know when you're
well off, my girl.'"  Granted, he'd just recently stopped channelling
Pertwee -- but "my girl" is Hartnell!

The Doctor saying to Ace 'I've a good mind to leave you here, you
ungrateful wretch.'  I can picture Colin saying that to Peri, but Sylv?
Not even as a joke.

"Bother!  I had a suspicion it would be a mistake...  I should have
listened to myself - but I never do, do I?"  Not only does that not sound
like McCoy, McCoy is also the only Doctor who *does* seem to pay attention
when he gets a note from himself!

And that's just on a quick flip through...

>: Alternatively, you could have watched "Ghost Light", which made Ace's
>: intolerance of evil and cruelty quite understandable (through her story
>: about her friend Manisha's flat getting firebombed by white kids).  Other
>: early authors, such as Nigel Robinson and Paul Cornell, had no problem
>: picking up on this bit of characterization.  (Maybe you ignored it because
>>: somehow, instinctively, you knew this was one of Ben's ideas?  :-) 

>Nope. I used it. Again, are you sure you read "Genesys"? 

Twice -- when it came out, and again in mid-'93, plus a skim-through just
now.  I didn't spot the Manisha bit, though.

>I liked that 
>story of Ace, in fact. What I was saying is that the official bio doesn't 
>mention it at all. 

And it's another classic Peel bit of circular logic, Bob -- since the
whole reason Peel brought up the bio was to say that there wasn't any
explanation for Ace's anger, when in fact he knew the explanation was in
"Ghost Light"!  Wouldn't you agree?

--Uh, what?  Sorry, I was thinking about huzzangas again, Jim.  Listen,
this is just gonna go on and on -- you wanna go for a beer or 

Jonathan Blum (>


> or maybe the doctor agonizing over another victim of the master, until
> somebody points out she has no nipples, no room for internal organs,
> and has "Mattel" stamped on her somewhere.

THE DOCTOR: Great Gallifrey! What unheard-of horrors has the Master sunk 
to now? And look! The fiend! He even shrunk her town-house, her 
Holiday Fun Camper, and her entire winter and summer wardrobe!

Urac 'Ratbat' Sigma (>


[Subject: Re: FOX wanted Who to fail and gave it a raw deal]

Not only that but Fox is secretly run by flesh-eating moongoses from
Neptune who decide what programs get on the air based on headless
cockroaches race.

(Did you know that, according to SCIENCE NEWS, a headless cockroach could
still be trained to negotiate a simple maze 30 minutes after its
decapitation, making it undoubtedly superior in intelligence to some
people posting rubbishy messages on this group?)

Jean-Marc Lofficier (>


>Let's just see here.

>Five Doctors came out in 1983.  

And here I thought they were all just *asexual* all this time!

The Admiral (>


>Still, from the press release, "Eight Doctors" sounds more like
>"Timewyrm: Revelation", which is definitely a *good* thing.

Actually, to me the structure sounds more like a Decalog -- a
loosely-linked collection of short stories pairing McGann with each of the
previous Doctors.

In fact, maybe in the grand tradition of Terrance Dicks labor-saving
devices (like reusing a whole scene from his Dicks-O-Matic
mini-novelization at the end of "Shakedown"), he should actually write the
*same* short story seven times, just substituting in a different Doctor
paired with McGann. 

Then he can do "The Eight Doctors" as a Choose Your Own Adventure.

"Okay fans, decision time.

 If you want to use Doc Number One,
 turn to page number twenty-one.

 If you prefer Doc Number Two,
 forty-six is the page for you.

 If you're a fan of Jon Pertwee,
 page sixty-five has Number Three.

 Tom Baker fans, don't hesitate,
 turn to page number eighty-eight.

 If you'd like to see the Vet In Space,
 page one-oh-five is Davison's place.

 If Colin's Doctor you adore,
 then turn? TURN?? TURN?!?!? to one-twenty-four.

 If you think a Scots accent is heaven,
 rrrrrrroll on over to one-forty-seven.

 If you want that Camfield bloke instead,
 just get those NA's out of your head.

 If you think Terrance is a hack,
 just close the book and turn to the back."

Jon Blum (>

>>Here's a question: if you could go anywhere, anywhen (in this universe 
>>or the Whoniverse-- anything goes!) where/when would you go? 

>I suppose I would go to Metabelis 3 when the human colony ship first got 
>there, and step on all the spiders. 
While you're there, please set up a drama school and a thriving theater  
community as well. 
Ian McIntire 
>"Holy plots!" exclaimed Chang Lee. "It's the Master as a snake!" 
>"That's right, Change Lee!" the Doctor replied, pulling the sonic screwdriver 
>from his utility belt. 
>"Mmmmrrrreeeoooowwww! Need some help?" asked Grace, raising her whip. 
>"Quick, Chang Lee, back to the TARDIS!" 
Bwa ha ha! 
Nanananananananananana Bat McGann! 
[authors unknown]

> Please help me to  
> under stand. 
> Thinks, 
And an other thing. He goes a round in a space ship and it doesn't look 
like s spaceship to ME. It looks lika blue box with POLIC written on it. 
Please help. 

Dave Stone (>

In a previous article, (S Forsyth) says: 
>I feel that you are all sad anorak people with no lives whatso-ever. 
>You are all obsessed if the words "Doctor Who" appear anywhere, and if 
>you see the glimpse of an episode, you ejaculate wildly. Doctor Who is 
>a crap programme, and therefore you are all sad people who watch it. 
TROLL REVIEW: "Doctor Who is shite" 
Well, I can't say I was disappointed.  One only needs to look at the  
title of "Doctor Who is shite" to realize that one is in for a troll of  
the worst quality.   
Some troll-fans are starting to get worried that the art of the troll is  
being lost, but I prefer to think that in this case, S. Forsyth is simply  
an inexperienced troller, trying his hand at an early attempt.   
Now, he does include the word "anorak" in his response, indicating at  
least a passing knowledge of his intended audience, which is a good  
sign.  However, this is followed up by a disappointing foray into the  
worn-out trope of "You derive sexual pleasure from this TV show you  
watch," which is a sure indication of a first-time troller.  The troll  
then degenrates further into a half-hearted sentence slamming both the  
show and its viewers in rather weak ways "crap" and "sad", giving the  
impression that even S. Forsyth was losing interest in his own troll. 
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being "Adric: Best Companion Ever" and 10  
being "No Shadows in Outer Space" (a masterpiece of a troll that survived  
on its own for months!) I'd give "Doctor Who is shite" a 1, which  
indicates, well, shite. 
Keep at it, S. Forsyth, but I suggest a much easier trolling ground to  
start off in.  The Star Trek newsgroups are ideal for the young troller  
trying to advance his art. 

Dave A. Lartigue [address unknown]
[Subject: Re: The Weekly Stats MUST DIE!!! ]
The Who or What is JNT? (humor) thread hovered menacingly in mid-air, it's  
beard wibbling in the light, blotting out the images of the friendly  
threads, like "The NAs", "UNIT Dating" and (now sadly deceased) "Day 7 on  
the film set". Looking down at the Weekly Stats thread, it began to chuckle. 
"No, my dear Weekly Stats, you must die. Die, Weekly Stats, DIE.  
The Weekly Stats thread began to shimmer and *change*, colours exploding  
outward as the alien nanites began to do their work. 
A figure sat bolt upright in the newsgroup, curly hair on end and eyes  
alight with intelligence and a touch of arrogance. 
The Lives before Hartnell thread looked on in alarm and a touch of terror. 
"W-w-weekly stats?" it stammered. 
"You were expecting someone else?" 
"That's three I's in one post. Makes you sound a very egotistical young  
"W-w-what happened?" 
"Change, my dear. And, it seems, not a moment too soon. I am Off Topic:  
Doctor Who, whether you like it or not..." 
/cue the theme music 
Robert Smith? (>

>> On contacting Channel 1 Liverpool, I was told that they did not keep old 
>> stories (they waffled on for about 4 minutes, then said byeee!). 
>       This also sounds just this side of bizzare ... 
But not as bizzare as it might be because, as we all know, the UK is 
crawling with TV stations - Channel *One (never just '1') Liverpool, the 
Voice of East Penge, Network Balls Pond Road ... 
Indeed, our own Channel 12 West Leytonstone (High Road to No.104 
Stratford Road) carried the interview in question, which they pulled off 
the Channel 1 Liverpool satellite link, and very good it was, too. 
I would have made a recording of it, but, unfortunately, C12(WL104SR) 
only broadcasts via 'green' technology, and by the time I'd fired up the 
gerbil-wheel powered VCR and tied on the plastic cup with the string it 
was over. Sorry. 
Dave Stone (>
 > Anyone care to recosider their desire to see the elimination of FATs? 
Oh bugger, FATs have been deemed politically incorrect. 
We'll just have to be topically challenged instead. 

Chuck Foster (> 

>ROFL!! Yes! Yes! Someone Terrance Dicks about this one. (WTFE) =:o> 
I see the phrase "Terrance Dicks" has now become a verb on rec.arts.drwho. 
I think there's something in that for all of us; not least of which is  
the devastating power for new insults this now gives us: 
"I'm warning you now! Retcon that Dalek story and I'll terrance dicks you" 
"Post that stupid Make ca$h fast! thing again and you're heading for a  
right royal terrance dicksing" 
"Shut up terrance dicks drunk" 
Robert Smith? (>

[Subject: Missing posts found!!!!]

After several months of hard work, I am proud to announce that I have 
found some clips of the "Day 7 on the film set" thread, post #5. 
Parts of paragraph 3 were found intact as well as most of the .sig, but 
everything else was too badly damaged to repair.   
More importantly, I recovered the COMPLETE "The temple of Heer and 
McKinnon" thread, in colour.  It was thought to have been lost in 
the Great Flame War started by Yads that claimed most of the posts 
from early this year. This copy only survived when Kate Orman  
accidentally cross-posted to  
The rumors that post #3 of the "HALF-HUMAN?" thread was recovered 
is false. 
Brian Glen Palicia (>

[Subject: Re: Hey, "Androgum" is an anagram of "Gourmand"!]
>ROTFL!  Has anyone else ever worked that one out? 
Yup. Robert Holmes did in 1984 while writing the script. 
Grant Watson (>


[Subject: Villains Seek Counselling. Hear Their Sad Stories.]
Excerpts from counselling session transcripts. Many thanks to the 
arch-fiends quoted for allowing us to use this material. 
Channing: And then when I told him the Group Leader was the planet's ideal 
life form, he said it looked like a big rubber octopus. "Plastic!" I said. 
"It's plastic!" And then he started mucking about with the tentacles, 
turning the greatest defeat of the Nestene race into a sight gag... (sigh> 
Zaroff: Juzt vhen nuzzink in ze vureld could ztop me... zis bloody *alien* 
turns up! 
Salamander: Nice looking chap, though... 
Solon: Best head in the Universe... 
Stahlman: He wouldn't let me reach Penetration Zero! 
Harry Chase: He was an animal! An *animal fiieeeeeeend*! 
Daniel Frankham (

>There seem to be many cults in DW stories, some evil some good.  
I've always said that the trouble with Doctor Who is too much sects. 
Robert Smith? (>
I forgot to add the magnificent introduction to "A Tale of Two Skaros" 
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, there was the Hand 
of Omega, there were Daleks, it was the renegade faction, it was the 
imperial faction, there was Davros and then there was the Doctor, there 
was a planet blown up, and another still intact, it was the epoch of 
belief, it was the epoch of incredulity - in short, it was anything which 
attempted to justify John Peel's retcon of Ben's Remembrance that some 
authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the 
superlative degree of comparison only." 
Richard Prekodravac (> 


[Subject: Another FOX Slap in the face!]
Even worse!  Have you noticed the brazen sign "WHO CARES" in the opening 
credits of MILLENIUM.  If that's not Chris Carter trying to tell us 
something, I'll donate Marcus Durham's brain to an illegal organ 
transplant bank. 

Randy/Jean-Marc Lofficier (>


>Even worse!  Have you noticed the brazen sign "WHO CARES" in the opening 
>credits of MILLENIUM.  If that's not Chris Carter trying to tell us 
>something, I'll donate Marcus Durham's brain to an illegal organ 
>transplant bank. 
Too late. 

Peter Anghelides (>

Order now and receive "Oh, Little Town of Skaro" sung by the enslaved Thal 
choir--just in time for the holidays!  Here's what others are saying about 
"Such beautiful voices.  I'll be sorry to have them all exterminated after 
the taping." -- Davros, CEO of Dalek Records, Inc. 
"A beautiful song.  I was almost sorry to free them from their 
enslavement--another record would have been great." -- The Doctor 
"I was so moved, my vision became impaired." -- Gold Dalek 
Nicholas Kaufmann (>


[Subject: Re: Who would make a good Doctor?]
I reckon that Mehendri Solon could make a pretty good job of it, as long 
as he remembered, "Hand good, claw bad; Head good, goldfish bowl bad" 
Richard Augood (> 

[Subject: Re: Dr. Who in Cleveland]
The Doctor peered at Davros through the static. "You're going to invade  
*Cleveland*?" he said. 

Kate Orman (>

 Twas two-three November 
 And all through the net 
 Not a whovian was typing 
 (They weren't ready yet.) 
 The young ones were peeping from behind the sofas-- 
 They stay there, apparently, until the show's over-- 
 And Kate way Down Under, and Jon in Columbia 
 were chatting online with a guy from Northumbria 
 Then out on the net, there arose such a clatter, 
 We all logged on immediately to seewhat was the matter 
 When what to the RADWers should suddenly appear 
 But a new guy from UK, and I don't mean Chris Heer 
 His sig how it sparked, his banter, how merry 
 but he called Alden a Commie, and Dave Stone, a fairy. 
 He's tortured poor Jim, who took recourse in verse 
 He's annoyed even Marcus, and caused Lori to curse 
 In whining and bitching, even Brett got outdone 
 And Peel ceased his writing and pulled out a gun! 
 Poor Ian was livid, Jeff Beuck broke his mouse; 
 Simon Bevis threatened arson (his mail, not his house!). 
 RJ Smith and Slywy logged out with disdain 
 Even Random Companion won't post near that name 
 Poor Topping, poor Roberts, poor Wigufll and Henry 
 Poor Jason, and Richard (whose last name is not in my memory), 
 McCaffrey says newsgroups now have no appeal 
 (To anyone other--of course--than Jill Deel). 
 His name always changes, be it Doctor or Golding 
 His politics annoy us, his ventings deranged 
 And if he got married, it must be arranged 
 But I heard him exclaim before he logged off that night, 
 Happy Whoniversary to all, and remember--Vote Right! 
Jim Vowles (>

>> The Brain of Morbius (unedited/episodic) 

I?!  Cthulhu Ftagn!  The Stars are right!  I?! I?! 

Michael J. Jones [address unknown]
[Subject: A Yawn.  And The Pit.]

        It was late.  He was tired.  He sat at his desk typing.   And 
thinking about The Book he had just finished. 
        He wondered why most of the sentences were boring.  And short. 
He remembered somewhere that someone liked The Book.  He didn't blame 
them.  Or judge them.  He just didn't like The Book. 
        The characters weren't themselves.  They were made of 
cardboard.  And words.  He kept thinking of The Book.  He tried to 
stop.  And then. 
        He couldn't type anymore. 

Brian Smith (>  

>>         IYO, of course. 
>No, it's an immutable fact, ordained by god itself. 
        Cool.  How do you arrange that exactly?  I'm an atheist, does 
that matter?  Can I still get the backing of God for my belief that "The 
Ark in Space" is the all-time bestest WHO story ever? How much does it 

Brett O'Callaghan (>

Wanted: New room-mate. Rent low, no need to worry about space  
limitations, commute fairly difficult. Must like large angry  
multi-tentacled blobs, bring own matter/anti-matter conversion device,  
non-smoker preferred. Note: no former enemies of the Doctor, no  
recorder playing. 


John Seavey (> 

Organ Donor Card.

In the event of my untimely death I should like the following body
parts to be reused:

The lenses of my eyes, so that someone may see again.

My Kidneys so someone does not have to undergo painful dialysis.

My heart to give someone new life.

and my sense of humour to enable some RADW reader to lighten up.

Si Jerram (>


[Subject: Re: Sam: My Thoughts & ?s]

> Amazing huh? We're debating a new character before she even "appears".
> This must be r.a.dw! I say: let her snog the Doctor - you know it
> makes sense.

  The Doctor was furious with himself. He should never have been 
captured so easily! He'd been a fool and now he was neatly tied to this 
alien table, unable to work free of his bonds. Suddenly, his heart 
lifted as a girl appeared in the doorway.
  "Sam! You found me! Quick, untie me!"
  Sam walked over to the table and ran a hand down the Doctor's chest. 
She leaned in close to him.
  "Sam? What are you doing? Get me loose so I can stop the war."
  "Oh, that. It's over. You don't have to go anywhere in a hurry."
  "Ah, then our work here is done, time to get back to the TARDIS."
  "No, I've wanted this for a long time, Doctor..."
  Sam pressed her lips to the Doctor and her hand moved lower...

  Oh, dear. Bad fan! Bad fan! I'll go stand in the corner now. :-)

R. Dan Henry (>


"Eponygrams" was a feature which used to appear in the (UK) Guardian,
whereby people's names were used as words, as there are of course not
enough words in the English language!

KEY: nn - noun, vb - verb, adj - adjective, adv - adverb, hmstr - small
furry creature often kept as a pet.

nn; a scientific concept that is particularly difficult to understand.

vb, French; to be a brilliant writer but have your career ruined by the
vindictive axing of your excellent television show, conjugated as a
regulat French verb (je bouche, tu bouches, etc).

nn; a poor replacement, eg. a coathanger that is used as a car radio
aerial after the original has been a victim of mindless vandalism may be
termed a brierley.

nn; object of uncertainty, whose appearance or even existence is subject
to debate. The Loch Ness Monster, the Yeti and a television programme
without Carol Vorderman in are all well known examples of cartmels.

nn; oft-told story.

nn; one who is frequently nicolaed (qv).

vb; to gradually lose one's marbles.

nn; one who defies the passage of time by not changing or aging over
long periods of time. Patrick Macnee is a famous frazer.

adj; small but perfectly formed, eg "The baby's fingers are just so

nn (musical); a weird electronic screech, often heard in 80s synthesiser
pop music (the word's origin is of course a distorted form of howl)

nn; a term used within the theatrical profession to describe an actor
who takes part in a witty jape in BEADLE'S ABOUT by playing a council
worker trying to convince an innocent member of the public that their
house is about to be demolished because of subsidence caused by
burrowing aardvarks, or some such part.

vb; to overstay one's welcome, eg "Richard really nathaned when he came
round on Saturday".

vb; to tastelessly exploit a female.

vb; to go wildly off the point in a vain attempt to fill up space.

adj, vulgar; crap, untalented, completely useless, unpopular or looked
down upon. Alternative usage as a noun meaning one who writes completely
prepostorous prose in the construction of a person to person dialogue in
a narrative television context. The antonym to this usage is a holmes,
which is not given in this dictionary due to its very rare usage.

adj; initially strange and surreal, but clearer on closer examination,
eg. a Magic Eye picture could be described as platt. cf. wyatt.

nn; this entry is unfortunately unavailable due to its obscene nature.

nn; one who builds up false hopes.

nn; a hideous bloody death, eg. "The main reason that I loved the
Nightmare on Elm Street Films was because they were full of sawards."

adj. strange, surreal, eg. "That Peter Greenaway makes such wyatt

Matthew J Newton (>


>Get people who havent written before to write. If you've already written
>your marked down as a saddo fan. Hand-write letters. A good tactic might
>be to raise a few points about some other shows in your letter (make it
>look as if your older than you are, praise Songs of Praise or Watchdog
>or summink as well!). Do not make your letter sound like you are a fan!

Dear Auntie Beeb,

I really, really like your show. You know, the one with the maggots. And 
that fella with the scarf. He was a good one. There were three Doctors 
weren't there? I didn't like that young one very much, but the one in the 
scarf, he was funny. But the special effects suck. And the walls wobble! 
But that girl in the leather sure is cute. And them Garlics are funny. 
But I bet they wouldn't be so scary if they tried to go up some stairs, 
now would they? Hardy-har, try that one Who-nerds! Anyway, thanks for the 
good show, except for the crap bits that they ripped off Star Trek. 

 - A. Non-fan

Robert Smith? (>


> Do you mean if two Yads came into contact with each other
> it would totally destroy the universe as we know it?

Fortunately, there is no chance of any Yads making contact with the 
universe as we know it.

R. Dan Henry (>


>I love 'The Web Planet' too, though it should be shorter. 

Yeah it could be shorter.  How about this?

Opening titles sequence
Ending titles sequence

Spigi (spigi@sco.COM>


>   smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA (R.J. Smith) writes:

>>>Perhaps Daleks are psychic.  The Doctor stated that they move by
>>>psychokinetic power in "Death to the Daleks".  Daleks can open doors
>>>through sheer force of will?  (Now THERE's an NA for you!)
>>This would definitely put a spanner into the works with that dalek
>  Yes, because the spanner would undoubtably be so heavy that the thread 
>  would snap. Mind you, I hear that Dalek twine is pretty sturdy. Must be 
>  made with Dalekanium or something...

I have become convinced that, after almost three years, and only one 
entry in the Quotefile, if I were to post the most devastatingly witty, 
urbane, and gob-smackingly funny thing you've ever read in your lives, 
the sort of joke that makes everyone think, "Let us bow down before him", 
that Robert Smith? would post a one-line followup that woudl make it instead.

How does the man *do* it?

Sean Gaffney (>


>>Well, I used to try and carry a bag of jelly babies around with me and
>>try and
>>offer them to people at inappropriate times......

> There's never an inappropriate time to offer someone a jelly baby.

"My Gawd!  The president's fallen down a thirty-foot well, the economy is 
about to collapse, and there's a horde of alien flying saucers about to 
invade the Earth!  Would you like a jelly-baby?"

Tae Son (>


[Sexist attire in "The Silurians"]

>> But we're not watching it it 1970, we're watching it in 1996, so what's
>> wrong with watching it from a 1996 point of view?  It's quite possible to
>> accept that something is a product of its time, and enjoy it in some ways,
>> while still talking about how it doesn't mesh with our own (1996) points
>> of view.

>My 1996 point of view is: when mini-skirts completely disappear in
>America, I'm emigrating to someplace where they still have them.

You could just stock up on them. >;-)

Kate Orman (>


A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, (Sean
Gaffney) led us all to believe:

>> (The Doctor) writes:
>>  In article (58fej7$>,
>>  Brigadier Nathan Rogers (> wrote:
>>  >On Sun, 08 Dec 1996 12:27:47 -0500, Chris (> appeared
>>  >to post:

>>>>  Actually, I was wondering what she was going to emerge from.  A cake,
>>>>perhaps?   Pardon me, but I hear a noise behi

>>>Oh no. Look at all the posters we losing. Pretty soon it will be down
>>>to Yads, Random Companion and Kate Or

>>  If the BBC DOES NOT do anything, r.a.dw is DEAD!-(

>Shucks, I was hoping Dave would disappear.

>Ah well, them's the bre

I'm very confused.  I don't undestand this thread at all.  Is there
some proble

Dennis McLaughlin (>


Well, I must say I was very surprised to see "So Vile A Sin" land on my 
doorstep thanks to 1800-TREKKER. I had heard from this newsgroup that it 
wasn't being released, but such trolls and misinformation obviously 
abound so I didn't pay much attention.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the book, but I have a few questions. Ben 
Aaronovitch has excelled himself at writing an incredibly complex and at 
times confusing book. The prose is simply wonderful, but I was a bit 
confused towards the end.

What puzzled me the most, however, was the need to put the novel on a 
disk. Sure, it's the information age and all - and it did tie into the 
plot! - but I miss the days of curling up with a good novel.

Still, that said, I managed to read the first third of the book fairly 
quickly and really enjoyed it. However, the middle third was very 
confusing. At times it looked almost as though Ben hadn't even *finished* 
the scenes he was writing; still others were left with only the briefest 
of synopses.

However, I persevered and was rewarded with some wonderful ideas and plot 
synopses. Ben really can write and hay, if he wants to write a book of 
scene outlines, then I'll happily fork over some cash for it!

That said, the final third of the book really confused me. There were 
bits and pieces of scenes here and there and even the occassional 
descriptive passage, but what really confused me was the abundance of 
abound. Seeing the DELETION IMMINENT! messages like this, I wondered if 
TYPE 15 ERROR! REBOOT EXE.COM? were actually FLIPFLOP NOW! to the plot at 

However SYS.ERROR persevered, but the ending was DATA OVERLOAD! ABORT 
confusing. By the time CONSOLE TERMINATION! got to the end I wasn't even 
entirely DOWNSIZE AUTO.EXEC I knew what was going on?

Anyway, I guess I'll SUPRA.FIX the book 8/10. I copied the contents ERROR 
WARNING! COLLAPSE IMMINENT! my hard drive, so I could read it any time I 
HOLD.EXE RELOAD and furthermore, if SPARC.STATION 



because I'm not entirely sure that



Robert Smith? (>


[Subject: Re: Sam? SAM?!]

Whenever I read the title of this thread, I always get the impression 
that Sam isn't going to be a companion of the Eighth Doctor, but rather 
the Sixth.  :-)

Ian McIntire (>

=============== (Gulliver) writes:
>Yes, the TARDIS can have a larger console room but build it roughly along the
>lines of the traditional one.

	On behalf of Phil Segal, Jo Wright, Matthew Jacobs, Geoffrey
Sax, Universal Studios, the British Broadcasting Corporation, the BBC
Worldwide, and FOX Television (TV Movie division), I now *humbly*
apologize to Mr. Angus Gulliver, for daring to be artistic, creative,
and innovative, without the express written consent of his low-budget
1960s TV series close-mindedness.

	We're sorry.  Won't happen again.

Jason A. Miller	(>


>>> Um, how about some NAs with Paul McGann as the Doctor? :-)

>>No such thing. They might have the same character as the one Paul McGann 
>>played on TV, but they wouldn't have Paul McGann.

Kate Orman:
>You haven't seen our contract. >:-)

A large mob, comprised mostly of women, has been sighted gathering 
outside the Orman home.  They appear to be armed with velvet ropes 
and bottles of chocolate sauce.  One onlooker said that many of them 
are holding lit candles, as if at a vigil of some sort, and appeared 
to be softly chanting the word "clavicle" over and over.  Some of
the participants have been identified as card-carrying members of 
an organization known only as "The PMEB".

"The lot seems ready to camp out, hoping for a glimpse of that
McGann chap.  They've been very polite, if a little weird," a 
neighbor commmented.  Actor Paul McGann is the eighth person to 
fill the role of Doctor Who, a perennial BBCTV favorite.  We'll 
bring you updates on this event as information reaches us.

Holly (>


>>>        I have it on good authority that that wasn't a *REAL* giant rat
>>>in "Talons", it was just a highly convincing special effect.

>>        Doesn't anyone think it a bit dodgy they didn't cast a real
>>giant rat?  I mean, there must have been dozens available.  Bastards.

>Actually it was a white actor that had make-up on to look like a giant
>rat. Maybe this is because the white actor was a better actor than all
>the giant rats or possibly the giant rat they chose first had to pull
>out for some reason.

Actually, I heard it was because it was traditional for rats in Victorian 
music hall to be played by actors wearing enormous mouse costumes.

Kate Orman (>

================ (Alden Bates) writes: 
>Argh!  (crawls under desk and sobs uncontrollably>

[loving maternal voice/]
Oh dear!  Did your mask fall off again, revealing your 'orrible,
disfigured face to your new girlfriend?  There, there, dear.  Mummy's
here.  Everything's alright, darlin'.
[/loving maternal voice]

Andrew Vogel (>



Hey, the boycott worked! :-)

Kate Orman (>


>ISTR Lalla Ward said in her latest interview in DWM that Matthew would 
>constantly tell directors with 20 years of experience in TV how they *should* be 
>directing each scene...  :)

You can tell the guy was a "Doctor Who" fan. ;-)

Kate Orman (>


>I say it doesn't go far enough. Let's blow up every TV studio on the 
>planet and refuse to let any new ones get built until we've got a 
>contract guaranteeing at least a five year run of full seasons of Doctor 
>Who. And if that doesn't work, we'll seize the nuclear stockpile.

I think we'd be better off taking over the UN building and holding
eveerone to ransom.  Look, I've got the whole thing planned out.

(reachs up and pulls down a three tier map of the building>

Under cover of darkness, we'll mount a full assault.  There are
guards placed at these three locations (points with stick> Now,
I've got piles of some of the heftier NAs that we can use to club
them unconscious, we're aiming for a bloodless uprising after all.

Dave Stone will lead a bunch of us on ropes from this rooftop
here.  From there his team will open the main doors, allowing the
main force of RADW members to flood in, overwhelming the guards on
duty in the foyer area.

(moves over to break-away scale model of the building.>

We should be able to secure the first three floors within ten
minutes.  By that time the police will have arrived, but Yads will
have the rocket launchers filled with shredded copies of the Star
Trek Encyclopedia set up ready to ward them off.

At 9pm precisely, we'll use the building's internal television net
to broadcast our ultimatum to the world.  Produce new Who, or
we'll force the entire UN to listen to a perpetually looped tape of
"Mary Whitehouse speaks out on Violence on Television".

Alden Bates (>


[The TARDIS toilet]

>>How do you know it doesn't flush in mid-flight, the way some airplane toilets
>>occasionally do accidentally?  ;-)

>Oy.. Just what we needed - another hazard to time travel! 

So, that's what those meteoroids are in the vortex during the telemovie 
credit sequence.

"It was a request, they should never have granted."

Donald Gillikin (>


>What's the best NA/MA to read for descriptions of Time, Pain, Death, etc? I
>want to include some of the eternals in a piece of fan-fic I'm writing.

I was just musing that if Dave Stone came up with them, they would be
Hang On, Ouch and Oops Sorry.

Richard Prekodravac (> 


>Welcome to the Holmes revisionist history of Gallifrey. Holmes was firmly
>of the belief that the Time Lords - or some section of them - were in
>charge of the TARDIS from the instant he and Susan left.

Holmes and Susan left in a TARDIS?!

Henry Potts (>

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