I made it! I made it! I'm quoted in somebody's .sig! Wheeee!
- Kate Orman, 25 July 1994 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
"Ha! Ha! fool! Kate Orman birthday!"
- Dave the Dave, 5th September 1994
- Shannon Patrick Sullivan, 20 Oct 1994
- Steve Traylen, 21 Nov 1994 (email@example.com)
*Keller's Machine ("Mind of Evil")
A machine that feeds on negative impulses in the brain, and is afraid of "the pure of mind" like Barnham. Oh, sure. You might as well have a machine that feeds on unnecessary adjectives in novels, and is afraid of novels by Hemingway. And then, of course, it starts to teleport.
*Giant Clam ("Genesis of the Daleks")
Mr. Marter ... could you try walking a little closer to the clam? That way, it will look more plausible when it tried to gnaw your leg off. Thank you -- let's try this again, loves!
- Dave McKinnon, 5th Dec 1994 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Someone else using Phil's account, 3rd Jan 1995
- David McKinnon, 12 Jan 1995 (email@example.com)
But I have to say the most impressive race was the humans. They looked absolutely perfect -- very true to life.
- David McKinnon, 14 Jan 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Eric Gjovaag, 14th Jan 1995 (email@example.com)
- Eric Gjovaag, 14th Jan 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- David McKinnon, 14 Jan 1995 (email@example.com)
p.s. Sorry about your cat.
- The Lofficiers, 19th Jan 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Andy Lane, 23rd Jan 1995 (email@example.com)
- The Lofficiers, 28 Jan 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Well, I've stuffed a large cushion down my jumper, tacked half a pound of horse-hair onto my chin and practised a psychotic grin in the mirror for several hours. Yes, I'm Jim Mortimore. Where's the beer? Call this a party? I dunno, I've seen better gatherings at a bus stop. I'm gonna crash out under the sofa, if you don't mind. Got any 'Alien nation' videos I can watch? Nah, I've called a cab. Seeya in a couple of months.
- Andy Lane, 29th Jan 1995 (email@example.com)
The name "Chet Hart" is the registered trademark of the Acme Cybernetics Kitchen Products Division based in Zaranthropos, Betelgeuse. It is used for a combination bacon straightener and smokeless ashtray sold in the Vermelius system. Your use of this trademark in this manner is a violation of interstellar law.
Please do not do so again.
(Or at least, check who wrote what so that you threaten the right person. Yeesh...)
- Jon Blum, 26th Jan 1995 (jblum@Glue.umd.edu)
- Danica Nuccitelli, 29th Jan 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Have you tried playing the Tetrap dialogue from the T&TR novelisation backwards? :-)
- Kate Orman, 30th Jan 1995 (email@example.com)
When an interfering Jon Blum tries to stop the action, the Doctor blows him away with his D-Mat crucifix and the two return home to their mother, Alan Yentob.
- The Lofficiers, 1st Feb 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Dave the Dave, 2nd Feb 1995 (doctor@DoctOr.ampr.ab.ca)
- Dave the Dave, ? 1995 (then: doctor@DoctOr.ampr.ab.ca, now: ?)
The ragweed is strong in you, Seg.
- The Lofficiers, 7 Feb 1995 (email@example.com)
- Dave the Dave, 11th Feb 1995 (doctor@DoCtOr.ampr.ab.ca)
- Dave the Dave, ? (?????!)
- Andy Lane, 11 Feb 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- MM. Iles, ? 1995 (email@example.com)
Yes, I had much the same problem. I purchased a tape with a box and label marked "Planet Of Evil". Imagine my surprise when, on playing the tape, I found it contained "Evil Of The Daleks" parts 1-7. Nevertheless the shop I bought it from quite happily exchanged it for a replacement and I got my Tom Baker story at last.
Tsk - bloody BBC....trying to palm me off with the old black and white sixties crap!!!!!
- Steve Phillips, 6th Mar 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Jon Blum, 20th March 1995 (jblum@Glue.umd.edu)
- Carrie O'Grady, ? (email@example.com)
And then there's Tommy Gump. Sorry to those who like him...
- Jon Blum, ? March 1995 (jblum@Glue.umd.edu)
Definitely, and completely useless. Sheer poofy D-cup padding, that whole sequence.
- Carrie O'Grady, ? March 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Jon Blum, 23rd March 1995 (jblum@Glue.umd.edu)
I was right! The Davison-era Adric was really played by a wide-slot toaster!
I knew it.
- Dave McKinnon, 24th March 1995 (email@example.com)
Oh, definitely. The delivery of that first one is just brilliant. "Daryl Anderson... at lightspeed dot com?!?" I love the huge eyes staring into nowhere -- Tom Baker's signature look. Works perfectly for that one.
Then when they picked it up later with Davison's "You mean -- Daryl Anderson at FTL dot mese dot com!?!?!" -- that was so cool! I didn't actually spot the continuity reference until a friend pointed it out to me. Those writers sure are a wacky bunch.
- Carrie Continuity, 25th March 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
>No one has conclusively *proved* how, or even if the dinosaurs all died.
I figure Jill's .sig file fell on Mexico, causing a nuclear winter. :-)
- Kate Orman, 27th March 1995 (email@example.com)
no thanks I'm married :)
- Gregory Gene Coleman, 27th March 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Captain Zep (R.P. Augood), 27th March 1995 (email@example.com)
- Dave the Dave, 28th March 1995 (doctor@DoCtOr.Edmonton.Ab.ca)
How about that dog who was Gromit in "The Wrong Trousers". That way we could have Wallace as the Brigadier and the penguin as the Master...
- Andrew McCaffrey, 28th March 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
- Andy Lane, ? March 1995 (email@example.com)
[In response to more religious arguments from Jill Deel]
[*350* more lines of self-justification and attacks on Arturo's debating style deleted]
Yes, it's the new XP-3000 model JILL-O-MATIC, with this month's hot new feature... META-DEBATING! Yes, once again you'll never have to concede a single point in any argument you're in, because you can instantly switch the debate into a debate about the debate itself!
Just look at this baby in action... Two messages ago, Arturo responded to a few of Jill's points, snipping the things he agreed with her on. Watch as the JILL-O-MATIC zooms around the questions he raises and focuses on the fact that he deleted some of her deathless prose! And when Arturo responds with a follow-up explaining why he did so, and repeating his arguments, watch the meta-debating mode kick in at full power... 350 lines of talking about how unfair everyone else who's ever argued with Jill is in their arguing style, and *zero* lines addressing any points from the original debate on atheism!
Yep, in the space of just two messages, this new super-duper hi-tech souped-up JILL-O-MATIC has pulled an off-topic debate completely off its own topic!
And the best feature of this little gizmo is, after a few messages dealing with the meta-debate, everyone's forgotten to deal with what the original debate was about... so you can just declare victory! You can just slip in comments about how you were beating folks, like the one we quoted at the top of this message, and nobody will have the stamina to wade back through the old messages to prove otherwise!
And just to make sure that your voice comes through at top volume, this new XP-3000 has built in the famous Yadallee Technologies Quoteificator! Yep, it'll quote every last word uttered in the argument, no matter how irrelevant it is! Including the .sigs of up to the past three messages! And if anyone tries to delete a single line this here gizmo writes, it'll sock 'em with a double whammy -- stick the deleted bits right back in, _and_ accuse 'em of committin' a horrible sin by editing you! Meta-debatin' at its finest, folks!
So come on and be the first on your block to buy the NEW XP-3000 JILL-O-MATIC from Spumco! Wow your friends, drown your enemies in text, and piss off newsgroups full of innocent bystanders with huge off-topic flamewars! These messages aren't just big, they aren't just REALLY big, they're REALLY REALLY big! It's amazing! It's incredible! It's on sale NOW at the disreputable Internet provider near you!
(Uh, Jim Bob, the legal department sez we gotta put in a disclaimer here. The XP-3000 is not to be taken internally. Don't use it in combination with alcohol, drugs, or Power Rangers reruns. Spumco Technologies is not responsible if you get flamed to hell an' back when using this device, but then hey, you're not responsible for it either. And the new meta-debating mode is not to be used to meta- debate a meta-debate, or else everything will fall into some sort of recursive loop and the entire net will collapse in on itself like that place in "Doctor Who". That OK?)
(Uh-huh. Pass the popcorn, Merle, this is gonna be fun...)
- Jon Blum, 29th March 1995 (jblum@Glue.umd.edu)
- Peter Ware, 29th March 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
>Ah, Dave, we've missed you. I think.
Well if so, we need to reload and fire again.
- Ghoti, 30th March 1995 (email@example.com)
>Or is there really an organization called "Edmonton Hertiage"?
You betcha! It's one of Canada's best kept secrets. In fact it's so secret that hardly anyone outside of Alberta knows it exists. (Since very few people ever go to Alberta, except to ski in Banff, they don't have too much trouble disguising the Board's existence.)
As a Torontonian and non-skier, my knowledge of the Hertiasters (as they like to call themselves) is pretty vague. I've heard they practise obscure rituals involving canola grain, Jersey cows and malfunctioning CD-ROM drives. When they're not doing that, apparently they just drive around and beat up on Calgarians (this is locally known as "hertying.")
They worship Don Cherry, but even his authority is superceded by the All- Powerful Slashetanglor (a.k.a. Ralph Klein in his lighter moments.) I've heard (and I read this in the tabloids, so it might not be 100% troo) that they make awful sacrifices to him: hens pulled from the backyards of Calgary farmers, spellchecking software floppies, social programs, the lot. Hard to believe in this day and age, I know.
If you ever go to Edmonton (slim chance, I hope), you'll know the Hertiasters by their purple headbands, colonial accents, vengeful expressions, and bad habit of spouting non sequiters.
Hope it helps,
- Carrie, whose exams are nearing (what gave it away?)
- Carrie O'Grady, 31st March 1995 (firstname.lastname@example.org)
: What the hell is a NYA?
New Young Adventures. Virgin's latest series about the exploits of the Doctor, the Master, the Rani (and their dog, Timmy), saving the Universe at the Academy.
Don't laugh, stranger things have happened...
- Dan Blythe, 31st March 1995 (D.R.Blythe@sheffield.ac.uk)
[to which the reply came:]
"I could have conquered half the galaxy if it hadn't been for you damned kids," cursed Davros.
"Gosh!" said the Master.
"Arf!" said Timmy.
Extract from Andy Lane's "Doctor Who And The Nasty Rubber Monsters", coming to a bookshop near you soon. And that's a promise.
- Andy Lane, 1st April 1995 (email@example.com)
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