The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Jul/Aug 97

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith


David Howe (> wrote:
>The easiest thing for the BBC to do, rather than start dipping into
>copyright minefields, is to have a blanket 'ban' on Virgin characters

Oh, great! BBC Characters can't have sex, and now there's a ban on Virgin 

Jonathan Andrew Sheen (> 26/6/97


Nathanael C. Nerode (> wrote:
>>It's certainly not science, but I think it's perfectly responsible 
>>science *fiction*.  There's been much stupider technobabble in DW; I wish 
>>I could remember some of it.

Aiden Alexander Folkes wrote:
>Time Travel, Faster than Light travel, Transdimensional engineering.
>Parallel universes.

No, no, no, NO! These are classic Science Fiction standards! 
(read- cliches) Where would the show be without these? Esp.
time travel (yikes). 

Doctor: Hm, there is so much evil and wrongdoing in the universe.

   {glances at the nonfunctional Time Rotor}

Doctor: Oh well.

NekoLeo (> 27/6/97


Just had a quick trip in my TARDIS and picked up a copy of "Hello"
magazine from late January 1998.  It contained the following article.

"The Great Wedding of January 1998"

Last weekend saw the joining of Ms K. Orman and Mr J. Blum in
matrimony at a lavish ceremony.  The families of the bride and groom
were present along with a disconcerting assortment of characters who
all claimed they were from 'RADW'.  This is believed to be a small
town somewhere in Ireland.

The bride looked stunning in a white dress and elicited gasps of
admiration when she stepped out of her carriage - a large blue box
that seemed to appear out of nowhere.  The groom wore a battered suit
with a paisly waistcoat topped off with a white fedora.  The
atmosphere was joyful, typified by a Mr K. Topping who kissed anyone
heard to utter the words "devil", "goblins", and "wonderful" in the
same sentence.

The ceremony, a Jewish-Wiccan mixture, was truly delightful  The only
concern happened when the question "does anyone know of any cause why
these two should not be joined?" was asked.  A Mr T. Prime, formerly
known as Mr J. Plotz, was heard to utter "because Blum is a wa" before
being sharply cut off.  After interviewing Mr Prime at his hospital
bed police captain Lytton announced they were dropping the search for
his assailants as all the guests at the ceremony "were looking the
other way at the time".

At the reception a large six-sided table was needed to hold the
wedding gifts which comprised almost exclusively of bottles of
chocolate sauce.  An exception to this was a copy of "The Joy of Sex"
which was presented, along with a compendium of erotic fiction, by a
Mr A. Hart.  A piece of artwork was presented by a Mr J. Long but this
caused much consternation and was deemed 'inappropriate' for such a

The catering was performed by a Mr D. Becker who, unlike the vast
majority of guests, appeared not to enjoy the day.  His entire menu,
bizarrely, consisted of sour grapes.  A doctor at the gathering, one
of eight present, suggested he may be suffering from a vitamin
deficiency and that a change in diet involving the intake of humble
pie would be beneficial.

Entertainment was provided by Mr Azaxyr, a stand-up comedian.  His
routine was generally accepted although certain jokes relating to
events of the 1940s did cause some unrest in the audience.

A slight moment of concern was generated when the person who created
the place cards was accosted by a woman who appeared to shout "there
is only one 'd' in 'Davison".  A Ms E. Frohman is currently helping
police with their enquiries.

At the going away ceremony the garter was caught by a Mr P. Shields
who described himself as a "bitter bachelor".  The scramble for the
bouquet was won by a Ms B. Summerfield who said she hoped it would
bring her luck for next time around.  The happy bride and groom left
hand-in-hand along with a gentleman who was heard promising them "a
quick trip around the universe and then home in time for tea".

After the reception a Mr J. Peel announced that he was setting up a
solicitor's practice.  He told 'Hello' that "in the unfortunate case
of a divorce being required we can make it seem as though the marriage
never happened".

Graham Nealon (> 19/7/97


Michael Idato (> wrote:
>Though in the very early Dr Who (like William Hartnell's era) the
>episodes WERE individually titled for just that reason and, for example,
>the first episode of The Daleks was "The Dead Planet" and not The
>Daleks: Episode One.

Thus keeping in suspense the audience who had never yet heard of
Daleks. Thank you, BBC.

At least they didn't rename the Invasion of Time as The Sontaran
Surprise. Or Earthshock as Adric Blows Up.

R. Dan Henry (> 22/7/97


R. Dan Henry (> wrote:
>At least they didn't rename the Invasion of Time as The Sontaran
>Surprise. Or Earthshock as Adric Blows Up.

>From the consensus of the newsgroup about Adric, maybe the show would
have got really, really good ratings if they had called it that in the
first place.

Tara 22/7/97

=========== (Gothopera) wrote:
>>Which NA/MA title best describes your sex life? (Saulchurch) wrote:
>Again, isn't it interesting (or maybe encourageing) that no one's used
>"The Man In The Velvet Mask"?

I've just been bracing myself in horror for the inevitable use of "The
Eye of the Giant".

Greg McElhatton (> 24/7/97


[Subject: Re: In defence of Dicks]

Daniel Frankham (> wrote:
> (I did my Honours thesis on Philip K. Dick... so I have a few zillion other
> stupid Dick puns, if anyone cares :)

My favourite goes:

SF FAN [to bookshop assistant] Now you've shown me your Dick, is there 
any Moorcock in the place?

Philip Alexander Hallard (> 24/7/97

============ (GrantWatson) writes:
>Well, I know that here in Australia we had teachers desperately
>drumming the "zed" pronunciation into us, while we were all going home
>and watching Sesame St, which taught us to use the "zee"

Yes, 'Sesame Street' - the iron fist of American Cultural Imperialism in
the soft velvet glove of pre-school education....

Nick Cooper (> 24/7/97


Jonathan Waggoner wrote:
>       Just wondering but why do Americans pronounce
> the letter Z zzzzz  and Britons Z Zedddd???  

I nominate this for the most boring and irrelevant thread
in this snoozegroup. Zzzz indeed.

ObWho: Zzzzarbi - now they *were* boring. The only way you 
could set that story alight would be to rub the Doctor's legs 
together like some kind of grasshopper.

Peter Anghelides (> 24/7/97


Topher Nelson wrote:
>Now, whenever you bring together a large number of people, some
>friction is bound to occur (especially in a case like this when the only
>things they have in common are (1) access to a computer and (2) a love of

I think of this every time I watch "The Green Death", actually. It
isn't the people who are typing these awful things; it's their
computer that makes them do it.

Peter Anghelides
PS: I am typing this while dressed up as a cleaning lady. (Note
    to self: erase this bit before posting.)

Peter Anghelides (> 24/7/97


Rebecca Dowgiert (> writes
>That sounds like a call for the FanFictioneer!  Quick, somebody write a
>story with cute little baby Sontarans!  (Pictures some lady leaning over a
>baby carriage/pram, cooing, 'Oh isn't he cute..Why, he's--  AAAIIIEEEE!!!'

"Awww, isn't he cute? He's the spitting image of his mum. And his dad.
And his uncle Zark. And his uncle Stex. And the milkman. And Supreme
Commander Sytr from down the road. And lots of his dad's mates from the
'Dead Rutan's Arms'. And..."

Keith Topping (> 29/7/97

============ (John J. Pettigrew> wrote:
> I've got to review this story for CT today and I'ld love to hear
> people's main gripes about *Happiness Patrol*.

Can I please, very politley ask you not to include any of the usual boring
moans about it all being done through studio work. Honestly I sometimes
wonder if the people who say this spoils the story for them go to the
theatre and sit there saying, "Well it's alright, but look - it's all on a
bloody stage isn't it ?".

Richard Jones (> 29/7/97


Dave Stone:
> However, I still feel the point about Benny's character to be valid. The
> idea that this rounded, multivalent, sophisticated character - the depth
> of who is such that she's almost *real* in the mind - can be reduced to
> a cipher who says "crikey" and never says "arse", is and was, in my
> opinion, completely and utterly wrong.

"Look out Benny!" cried Peter, "Uncle Quentin's got a big stick!"

"Oh Crikey!" said Benny.

"Nuzzink inze vurruld canzdop menow!" screamed Quentin, bearing down on
the two pals with an evil grin.

"I'm sorry," Benny squeaked, "but my editors have not seen fit to
furnish me with the necessary expletive vocabulary to articulate my
emotional response to this situation. Would you care for some more tea?"

"Oh, what a nice idea!" said Quentin, taking a seat. "You know, I always
said, there's no problem in all the world that can't be solved by a nice
cup of tea."

"On lump or two?" Benny asked sweetly.

"Two, please, dear niece."


"Ha ha! That's a clever one, Benny dear!" Quentin accepted his cup, and
sipped the tea. "In fact, this reminds me of that spiffing adventure you
had back in -"

Quentin's nose slit apart as his head pitched forward onto the
tablecloth, drenching Peter and Benny in a sticky, crimson shower.

"Ha! Eat ARSEnic, ARSEhole!" Benny roared in triumph. "I can't ARSEing
believe you fell for that! What a total ARSE!"

"Right on!" Peter joined in. "This narrative is now in the hands of
Aggreived Readers for Semantic Explicitness! And if anyone doesn't like
it, they can just Cruk Off!"

There was an awkward pause.

"They can what?" asked Benny.

"Cruk Off!" Peter looked confused, and attempted to force his lips into
a different shape. "CRuk Off! CRUK! CR-UK! CRUK! CrrrrUK!" he was
obviously in some distress. He paused for breath, and shouted "FCr-uk!".
He looked at her sheepishly.

"Oh Arse!" said Benny, "Still, I suppose it's a start..."

Rob Stradling (> 30/7/97


Marcus Durham (> wrote:
>It's called the radw limitation effect. Did you know that every time
>somebody miss-spells Peter Davisons name a car breaks down in China?

 ...or that each apostrophe omitted on a RADW post becomes a painful spot
on Bonnie Langfords bottom?

Thats a shame, isnt it?

Rob Stradling (> 31/7/97


[Subject: Re: Report that fell from the future]

London 2002-Bernice Summerfield stories stolen from Virgin books.

  In a stunning move, the BBC took the rights for Bernice Summerfield
novels away from Virgin publishing. The claim was that Bernice was
developed as a character to interact with the Doctor, and she belonged in
the Doctor's universe, which only belonged at the BBC. Bernice's
companion, Random, will be the star of a new series of Virgin novels.

  The Bernice books have been published for 5 years since the BBC took
back Doctor Who. The most famous Bernice novel was published in 1998 by
the editor (the book was best known for atrocious spelling and a confusing
plot). At the back of the book, the editor yelled that there would never,
never, never be Benny Missing Adventures. "If you want to hear about the
pre-Heaven years, and how Benny and Jason drifted apart, and all the great
stuff in between, you're sunk. We're looking forward, and we'll never do
what the public wants on this manner. Bwa-ha-ha!" The Benny Missing
Adventures began in October 1999.

  Most famous of Benny's companions was Wolsey the cat. He began the books
just like in the Doctor Who adventures, but left after a year having seen
too much death and losing the feline of his dreams. He would return, but
with a harder edge, and cause Benny no end of trouble over the next two
years (the kind of cat who captures a grasshopper and remove its legs
slowly one at a time while it's still alive). Also featured as companions
were Random, the very independent cyberprogrammer, and the team of Adam
and Jenny, laywers from the future. Adam was killed off in a book that was
published several months late because the computer took a vacation in

  The Bernice BBC stories will be able to reference the Doctor Who stories
(discontinued in 2000 when the new series began), but not her Virgin tales
since 1997. Random will be able to reference any characters created since
1997, but not Bernice or stuff like Braxiatel.

  The current Virgin editor, Douglas Adams, said that his greatest
achievement was that these books were unlike anything that ever came
before, cross my Vogan and hope to die.

  Paul Cornell has decided not to work with the BBC but will do a lot to
flesh out Random's character in the Virgin series.
Message ends.

Benjamin Elliott (> 31/7/97


With the forthcoming publication of 'Licence Denied' which perhaps will 
include items that would have been unpublishable under the contract with 
the BBC, I have a suggestion for another unlicenced book. How about 
'Doctor Who Babylon', detailing what *really* went on behind the scenes 
during the thirty-odd years of DW production. I often feel that various 
potentially scandalous stories (crew/cast sackings, dodgy on-set 
behaviour etc.) are shoved under the carpet in books by the likes of Howe 
and co. This would be the place, for example for the full unexpurgated 
telling of the 'prick' anecdote from the 'Curse of Peladon' (as detailed 
in NME a few years back). Or perhaps it could deal with the somwhat casual 
roles of the production stuff in the Troughton years...

INNES:	Right, I'm off on my holidays. Who want's to be producer this 

DERRICK:   Me sir!

INNES:	No, you're pencilled in for August. Anyone else?

PETER:	How about me?

INNES:	Well, if you're going to be producer, who's going to script-edit?

PETER:	Well, it's a Cyberman story, so we should pick someone who has a 
	detailed knowledge of those cybernetic fiends.

INNES:	Well, how about that actor who played one of the crew in "The 
	Moonbase" and had about two lines...

S. Sponge (> 31/7/97


[Subject: Re: In defence of Dicks]

Keith Topping:
>Mind you, if Terrance's parents had called him Willie instead, we'd have
>been in *real* trouble...

It could've been worse. They could've named him "Biggus".

Daniel Frankham (> 31/7/97


Brad Filippone (> wrote:
>If they were to cast one of us here on rec.arts.drwho as the Doctor, which
>of us would it be?

Gotta be Yads, and then give him these plotlines;

THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT - The Master attempts to interfere in the battle
of Sartoga and help Britain to defeat the American rebels. The Doctor
must make sure that history is maintained, and King George is kicked out
of the New World.

A FOREIGN FIELD - The Doctor must avert the Meddling Monk's mad scheme to
rescue archduke Ferdinand from Sarajevo, hence delaying the outbreak of
World War One. When he finds the dead assassin and picks up his gun, the
Doctor immediately knows what must be done.

ONE AND THE RANI - The Doctor must expose Camilla Parker-Bowles, who is
in fact the Rani in disguise, despite the fact that this will force
Charles to relinquish the British Throne. The Rani plans to use Charles'
ears as radio-telescopes to attract aliens to Earth for her experiments.

RAIDERS OF THE SEALED KNOT - Charles I's beard is revealed as a segment
of the Key to Time. As he refuses to shave, the Doctor must earn the
trust of Oliver Cromwell, so that he may himself be charged with
executing the deposed monarch, and thus recover the beard.

At the end of this story, the Doctor is dying of shame, and so
regenerates into Henry Azaxyr, who, of course, has none.

Rob Stradling (> 2/8/97


Jeremy Bement wrote:
>>I don't remember the white top but I do recall Nicola wearing a black jacket
>>which she ripped open, exposing her nylon-covered busom which made my eyes
>>jump out of their sockets and explode with delight, leaving me blind 
>>for the remainder of the con.

Martin Forsyth (> wrote:
> What a way to go blind!!!!!!!

Actually, he didn't go blind until a few hours later, in his hotel room...

Rob Stradling (> 3/8/97


Steven Smith wrote:
> DR WHO: THE UNFOLDING TEXT by John Tulloch and Manuel Alvarado
>         Softcover Near Mint/Unused/Unread - $10.

These are worth more if they've got cracked spines, pages folded,
and are full of closely-written annotations. That makes them

Peter Anghelides (> 4/8/97


Peter Anghelides (> wrote:
>Or "Deadly Assassin". No hang on, I'm getting confused I
>think. Two episodes of Timelash as penance.

Now there's an interesting idea!

In the confessional of the Lazarus Intent:
"Father, forgive me, for I have sinned"
"Yes, child?"
"I've violated continuity with my childish fan-fiction..."
"That is no great sin, my son... Many of us are tempted in such ways in our 
"But that's not all... I've even posted to the newsgroup defending The 
Dominators... (sob)"
" Merely a minor deviance. Recite the lines from the end of Survival thirty 
times to purge your mind, and know deliverance by watching City of Death."
"There's... more... I... have had unclean thoughts regarding a companion."
"Ah, but who has not? Many have found solace in the bosom of St. 
Perpugilliam. Some even consider St. Melanie of Bush a friend in their 
"But, Father... I'm talking about Adric!"

(With an expression of horror on his face, the priest pulls a lever.
Blasphemer is immediately surrounded by a squad of Daleks with voices like
Smurfs and vaporised).

Laurentius Martinus Praemius (> 7/8/97


Azaxyr (> wrote:
>>Yep, that's right, my only intention is to belittle the writers
>>who have made it their destiny to convince others of the
>>McCoy Doctor's and their own greatness, and thus I am
>>proving to everyone that there is no reason to be awed
>>by these people since they're not the gods some fans have
>>proclaimed them to be.  (The NA authors are Gods thread,
>>various McCoy threads)
>>And of course I'm just doing it for fun.

Shannon Patrick Sullivan (> wrote:
>If you *really* wanted to bring the NAs down a notch or two, Henry, then
>why not try responding intelligently to the reply myself and others made
>regarding the Timewyrm books, instead of just needless prattling?

I'm beginning to think this group really needs to add to its FAQ and FAT,
an FAF file -- Frequently Attempted Flames.  We could list the usual rants
-- McCoy sux, the NA authors are not Gods, et cetera -- and the usual
reasons why they fail to affect the group as a whole (namely, that a
person spending lots of time on bitching, insults, and petty
logic-chopping gets less acceptance than people who argue thoughtfully). 

As another possibility, how about we take a page from the Friendly Guide
for Newbies?


A Friendly Guide For Flamers

or, How To Tear Down An Established RADW Poster in One Easy Lesson

Is there someone on r.a.dw who just makes your blood boil, because
everyone listens to them?  Do you spend your hours seething because some
other guy is getting lots more respect and attention than you, just cause
they wrote a bunch of interesting postings or maybe a book that people
like?  Do you find that your dream of toppling these prominent posters is
thwarted by the fact that people just like them better than you?

Well fret no further -- now you too can elevate your rank in the herd and
improve your mating possibilities!  You too can challenge the alpha males
and not get ripped to shreds in the process!  All you need to do is follow
the patented Simple Path To Posting Success, which posters from Blum and
Smith? to Gutzwiller and Watson have followed -- and then people will
*listen* to you when you flame the bejezus out of people you loathe!

This sure-fire plan is based on one magic secret ingredient -- RESPECT. 
They have it, and you don't -- but you can get it, and it will change your
life.  There are even unconfirmed reports that it'll clear up acne and
improve your chances of getting a date. 

And how do you get ahold of this wonder ingredient?  The same way these
other posters did -- by making lots of witty, insightful, well-argued,
non-aggressive postings about Doctor Who.  You don't even need to make
*all* your postings be like this -- just make sure you write more of those
than you do flames, and you'll be well on your way to establishing your
credentials as someone whose posts are worth reading. 

And then people will like you.  They might even take your side when some
other flamer comes yapping at your feet.

This will probably take a couple of years, as you post lots and lots of
really good content while building up your reputation... but that
shouldn't deter you from nourishing your grudges in private in the
meantime.  Remember -- revenge is a dish best served after being left to
fester in the back of your fridge for a couple of years, and then
microwaved into an unrecognizable mass when you finally dig it out. 

Finally, one day, there'll come a moment when you realize you've done it. 
They like you -- they really like you.  Now that you've put in all this
effort to become king of the hill, top of the heap...  then you're free to
piss away lots of your accumulated credibility by engaging in petty
flamewars with other prominent posters. 

(Believe me.  Been there, done that, still repenting it.)

Have fun!

Jon Blum (> 7/8/97


Saulchurch wrote:
>>He sued the Terripitils for property damage.  He says he should  in The
>>Sands Of Time, and says he's glad he did in a later NA-I can't remember

The Hand of Omega (> wrote:
>Waitaminnit, how could he? The Terileptils who destroyed it were criminal
>refugees, IIRC, in no way connected with the main body of Terileptils. And
>they all died, I'm pretty sure.

Seeing at the Terileptil penal system was negligent in allowing these
criminals to escape and wreak havoc on the personal property of my
client, we have decided to file a claim to recover damages, along with
a second claim for punitive damages in an amount 10 times the value of
the property destroyed.

Destroyed in this heinous rampage by the individuals named in our
complaint were: 1 sonic screw driver, with considerable sentimental
value as well as it's monetary value, which is enhanced by it's age,
making it a collector's item, and it's mint condition, as the owner
took very good care of it; the city of London, which while the
plaintiff does not hold a valid deed, he does claim substantial
emotional ties to it.

There was also pain and suffering inflicted upon on the plaintiff's
companions, and the matter of several indigenous individuals whose
live processes were terminated by the actions of individuals who
should have been under control of the Terileptil penal system.

In due consideration to the damages suffered by my client at the hands
of individuals who were at liberty only because of the failure of the
Terileptil penal system, we are asking the court for compensation in
excess of $10,000.

Elsa Frohman (> 7/8/97

============= (NickJVC) wrote:
>>That's over 60 names, so how about coming up with six Georgian writers of
>>similar stature?  Or around 300 American's, if you'd rather compare your
>>country as a whole pro rata.  Over to you.

Azaxyr (> wrote:
>Would you like me to send you a copy of the 1997 World
>Almanac and Book of Facts, which lists hundreds of famous
>writers born in the US?

"The Book of Facts" - bloody hell, that sounds like a reputable source
of knowledge, if ever there was one. I must have a copy to sit on my
bookshelves next to "How Things Work" and 'The Bumper Book of Things
to Do".

Steve Roberts (> 7/8/97


Jonathan Blum wrote:
>It's an interesting question, considering that we're a fan of a hero who
>avoids giving his name at every opportunity.  But then, the Doctor doesn't
>hurl abuse through a modem line from the safety of his living room either. 

  "...the fundamental truth of your own impotence!!", wrote the Doctor
from the comfort of his chair, as the lovely strains of Eartha Kitt wafted
through the safety of the TARDIS. He took a sip of his tea and
considered, before resuming typing on his laptop. 
  "PS: The Hand of Omega says `Hi!'". The Doctor activated the "Send"
  *Really send?*, the notebook asked. *Message may go to thousands of
  With a grim smile, the Doctor fed the message into the
5-dimensional modem threading through the Time Vortex... 

Neko (> 7/8/97


Patricia and/or Donald Gillikin (> wrote:
>There are two z's in "The Dukes of Hazzard".

Only two?  Are you sure?

I seem to remember catching quite a lot z's when watching the Dukes...

Azaxyr (> 15/8/97


Jonathan Blum wrote:
>Sarah Jane:  But it's like you're not--
>Francis the Talking Mule:  Not a horse?  You're forgetting, I'm not.

Offside, ref! This is clearly an unwarranted attack on Tom Baker's

Peter Anghelides (> 19/8/97


[Subject: Re: Desert Island Dicks] wrote:

>1. The Brain of Morbius
>2. Doctor Who and the Terror of the Autons
>3. The War Games
>4. Robot
>5. Doctor Who and the Planet of the Spiders
>6. The Eight Doctors
>7. Pipe-sucking
>8. Polo-neck shirts

Thread title of the month!


You forgot;

9. A Hunter fob-watch (with a pleasant, open face)

10. A Mop (any sort, but one of curly brown hair is best)

11. A word-processor, and a floppy disk containing the following files;

File             Size (kb)    Last Updated

eightdoc.doc     43,982       1996
royalties.csv    1,345        1997
continuity.dbf   3            1983
wheeze.wav       846          1963
groan.wav        972          1963

Rob Stradling (> 19/8/97


Josh Swanberg (> wrote:
>I was bored yesterday and started pondering something;  Did anybody
>noticed that the three deceased doctors (William Hartnell, Patrick
>Troughton, Jon Pertwee) all died around the time that a new Doctor took
>over?  Hartnell died in early 1975, Tom Baker's first episode aired on
>28 Dec. 1974. Troughton died in 1987, McCoy became the Doctor in 1987.
>Pertwee died May 1996.  The TVM with McGann aired in May 1996.  It's a
>curse I tell you.

Suddenly, as one, the FOX execs gathered around the table dropped their
pens and portfolios, and stared blankly into space. Together, they
repeated the words;


"Good." said the stranger, still swinging his pocket watch. "Now, relax,
and when you awaken, you will agree that it is unnecessary to re-cast the
role of the Doctor."


"Excellent." the stranger made for the door, closing it behind himself
with the parting words "Awake now!".

"Eh? Oh, right, that's settled then." declared the Head of Programming,
"Any other business?".

Pausing only to wink into camera, Tom Baker slunk from the building,
chuckling merrily.

Rob Stradling (> 19/8/97


[Subject: Re: The Happiness Patrol Rules!!!]

I've been glancing at this thread from time to time, and still haven't
seen anybody post what these rules are.  So, as a public service, I now


Rule #1:  No frowning, crying, or any other public display of sadness.

Rule #2:  Definition of "sadness" shall not include fluffy pink wigs and
general lousy fashion sense, or weapons called "fun guns".  It shall,
however, include interminable USENET threads about what the Patrol is and
isn't about.

Rule #3:  No vehicles that travel over five miles per hour.

Rule #4:  No corridors that don't look alike.

Rule #5:  Any visitors to Terra Alpha are to be given the impression that
only a handful of people live here.

Rule #6:  Anything resembling a "production value" other than Fifi is
eeeeeeevil, eeeeeeevil from the dawn of time!

Rule #7:  Bertie Bassett can stop ringing up for a job -- the position has
been FILLED.

Corey Klemow (> 19/8/97

=========== (Azaxyr) wrote:
>That's strange guys... If everyone's laughing at me or towards
>me, why is it that at the same time everyone is infuriated by my
>remarks?   Kinda hard to be upset when you're all laughing,
>Well, let's try it out:

>"The only thing worse than a McCoy lover is a British McCoy

Azaxyr, I beg of you, don't use the hand...

Rob Stradling (> 20/8/97

============ (Kate Orman) wrote:
>I was surprised to read the following on the home page of the Doctor Who 
>Club of Victoria (

>"Coming up in future editions of Sonic Screwdriver [the club's 
>magazine]:... Number #103 will be the silly issue based on a slightly 
>more tasteful version of EFG, the Melbourne fanzine "banned" by Sydney 
>fans earlier this year which is sure to stir up some more controversy."

>A fanzine banned? Horrors! I'm fascinated to know how Sydney fandom could 
>prevent Melbourne fans from distributing a fanzine - what would they do, 
>intercept the mail?

NARRATOR: It was a quiet day at the Fitzsimmons-Groenewegen household...

[The lights go up to reveal Mel and Sarah in their living room; Mel is
sprawled out on a couch with a stack of fanzines, while Sarah is slumped in
an armchair and flipping channels on the television set with a remote control.]

MEL: Wow, these old issues of TIME TRAVELER are a mixed bag... gosh, which
zines should I read next? TRENCHCOAT, perhaps? Maybe some SONIC SCREWDRIVER?
EFG? Hmmm, decisions, decisions.

NARRATOR: Little did they know what was in store for them!

[there is a knock at the door]

MEL: Could you get the door?

SARAH: Sure, why not... Doctor Who isn't on until 3am anyway.

[Sarah gets up and opens the door, only to reveal... the legions of DWFASD!
(Doctor Who Fans Against Sydney Defamation) All right, it's really just Kate
Orman and Neil Hogan]

KATE: Freeze! I'm not afraid to use this!
[waves a large gun around menacingly]

SARAH: Oh no! She's got the repainted fun guns from "Silver Nemesis" and she
knows how to use them!

NEIL: All right, get away from the zines. Hey, I said, AWAY FROM THE ZINES!
[Neil waves around his equally impressive fun gun.]

[Mel leaps up and away from the stack of zines]

KATE: That's better. Now, do you have any copies of... EFG?

MEL: Um, yeah, they're in the pile over there. Hang on a sec, let me dig
them ou...

NEIL: Don't move! Don't even think about approaching us with such... such...

[the door opens again and Joanna Lumley walks in, to tremendous applause]

PATSY: Little Bitch Troll From Hell!   ...oh, sorry, I thought that was my
cue. Nevermind.

[exit Patsy]

NEIL: Where were we?

SARAH: Filth.

NEIL: Oh, right. FILTH! Where is that pile of maggotry?

MEL: On the couch...

NEIL: There it is... the last copies of EFG in Sydney! Kate, use your (heh
heh heh) "Set Piece" on em.

[Kate's steel brassiere, shaped like a set of pyramids, glow with energy.
With a sudden blast of heat, the copies of EFG are incinerated.]

KATE: You'll thank us later. Come along, Neil! It's time to ban another
fanzine from Sydney!

NEIL: We'll be back!

[Kate and Neil leap out the door, only to get caught in the doorframe due to
there being two bodies, two guns, and one very large brassiere in a doorway
really intended for just one person. After several "Eeks" and "Ooghs" they
manage to make their not-so-dramatic-exit.]

MEL AND SARAH: Who were those masked marauders?

Greg McElhatton (> 21/8/97

============== wrote:

>               * PAMELA & TOMMY LEE'S SECRET SEX TAPE *


>There is only one Pam & Tommy Sex Tape and it is available here for a
>limited time only.  Others may claim to have it for sale but this is 
>the only Hard Core Copyrighten version in existence.  See them bare 
>their soles and bodies in public places, but observe closely, a very 
>private blend of love and sex that they thought the public would never see.

The bit at the end, where Tommy Lee confronts the Nestene Consciousness
face-to-face, is particularly memorable.

Rob Stradling (> 21/8/97


Randy Jean-Marc Lofficier  (rjmlof@IDT.NET> wrote:
>None of which are WHO-like.  I think you missed my point, which was that
>the original WHO format is more or less a superhero show.  If you turn it
>into, say, HIGHLANDER, then you've got yourself a rather different show.

I often pine for the days when Bill Hartnell would take to the skies in 
his tights and cape. :-)

Kate Orman (> 23/8/97


Seeing the thread on rec.arts.drwho "Where are the BBC books" I found myself
unable to resist... (This works best if you can play the song and sing
along.) And so, without further adieu...

"Where Have All The Novels Gone?"
a filk by Greg McElhatton
mutilating a song by Paula Cole

Ooh you get me ready
With your press release baby
Why don't we go and all celebrate?
Cheer for Terrance Dicks
No problems he can't fix
Would you like Doctors One through Eight?

I'll buy all the new books
If you bring Kate Orman
Where is my Paul Cornell?
Where is my Andy Lane?
Where are my McGann covers?
Where have all the novels gone?

Why don't you hire artists
Who can paint real faces
None of those strange Virgin heads
McGann said what? Uh oh
His face will be a no-show
I guess we'll paint circles instead

I'll pay mega-high prices
If you don't go retcon
Where are the old NAs?
Why are you pulping them?
Where have all the novels gone?

My book line's debuting
But you don't even don't even see them...
(Say goodbye)
(To distribution)

We finally got the novels
Through mail-order and the net
And devoured them with glee
OH NO IT ISN'T! everywhere
And Skaro's coming back you see

I'll fork down the dollars
While Peel retcons away
Where is a decent companion?
Where is my GENOCIDE?
Where are books that aren't sequels?
Where have all the novels gone?

Where are my short stories?
Who let Dicks write again?
Where is their common sense?
Where have all the novels gone?
Where have all the novels gone?
Where have all the novels gone?

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

Greg McElhatton (> 25/8/97


[Subject: Re: "R" is for...]

"Rah! Rah! Rah! of the Daleks"

Rival Dalek forces do battle one last time in a wacky, winner-takes-all
college football game.


"Re-Write of `the Daleks'"

Terry Nation returns from the grave to re-work his original script (yet


"Remark of the Daleks"

Davros makes a racial slur against a Thal, forcing him to be put on trial
for hate crimes.


"Recreation of the Daleks" (I)

The Daleks re-enact the War of 1812 in full uniform.


"Recreation of the Daleks" (II)

The Daleks go on holiday!


"Resuscitation of the Daleks"

A very special episode which could save a life.


"Retail Outlet of the Daleks"

A strange new stereo shop opens on the high street.  People who go there
never return.  Who could possibly be behind this fiendish plot.  Who I ask
you?  WHO!?!  Well, you'll just have to wade through the padding in the
first episode to find out.

Tom Robinson (viveirmh@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 26/8/97

============= wrote: 
>Um, Bill? You can't hold off haemovores with bullets. You can hold them
>off with faith - even an ill-considered belief, strongly held, will do.
>Now do you get it?

I wonder... would having faith in bullets be enough?

Ian McIntire (> 27/8/97


[Subject: Re: John Fitton Books - Don't mail order from there!!!!!!]

David J Howe (> wrote:
>>I wonder if you can be taken to court for libel through a public posting
>>on a newsgroup.

Andrew Wong (> wrote:
>You can do. It depends on whether the allegations made are unfounded or not
>-- if the people who are complaining have proof of their complaint and the
>complaint is legitimate, then the complaint is founded and it therefore no
>longer becomes a libel. I think.

"Your honour, please enter into evidence the following testimony made by
the defendent, referred to herein as "Shane", also known as "Whoknows",
uttered upon the 27th day of August this year:

On Wed, 27 Aug 1997 17:03:48 GMT, (Shane)  wrote: 

>Same here...... 

>There still owe me 5 pounds from March this year.... 

>Sent 3 letters and they were all ignored........ 

>What a bastard shithead wanker

>and that a complement

"M'lud, members of the jury, it is my intention for the defence to
categorically prove that these complaints are legitimate.

"During the course of this trial, we shall be examining the birth records
of Mr Fitton wherein I intend to demonstrate once and for all that he is
in fact a bastard. Furthermore, I intend to call to the stand qualified
members of the biological science community to run tests on Mr Fitton's
skull to prove without a shadow of a doubt that his head is indeed made of

"However, firstly I would like to quantify the allegations that Mr Fitton
is in fact a "wanker". Please call Mr Fitton to the stand and place
Azaxyr's magazine collection on standby..."

Robert Smith? (> 29/8/97

[Subject: Re: First Scary Who Moment]

	That time when I was watching "Ambassadors of Death" and that
crazy man broke into my house and stabbed me five times.

Tom Robinson (viveirmh@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 29/8/97


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