The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - May/June 97

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith

Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the
"best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to
appear in the newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a
quote you think derserves an entry in the Quote File, just mail me at

or the handy-dandy

and include the attributions and the quote in full.

Since this newsgroup is more than full of it's fair share of 
off-topic/pointless stuff, I'd like to request that you *don't* waste 
bandwidth by shouting "Quote File!" in the newsgroup - email it to me 
instead! Please don't be shy about this - even if you only think it's
mildly funny, I'd *much* rather have too many to choose from than too few.

Also, please note that all dates are approximations only (ie when they got
emailed to me, rather than when they got posted).

Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with
the original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the
Quote File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of
Comment or Review.

A few technical points this month:

1) This is a bit smaller than usual because I'm off to Australia in a
week. To that end, please, please, *please* be sure to email me with
quotes as I may not have much access to the newsgroup in the next month or
so (and consequently there'll be a slightly longer than average wait for
the next one to appear).

2) The third quote has a very mild *SPOILER* for the end of The Dying
Days. It's a short quote and I've separated it by some space, so hopefully
no one will be caught out.

On with the quotes! 


Ode To The Doctor Who Movie
with apologies to another sci-fi show you may know

      Anthony Ainley: It was the day of fire.
     William Russell: The Edge of Destruction.
                 RADW: The day the fans took back what was theirs.
           Tom Baker: The day of rebirth.
       Sophie Aldred: The day of great sadness.
   Sylvester McCoy: The day of pain.
  Daphne Ashbrook: And a day of joy.
   President Borusa: It was a new page.
John-Nathan Turner: It was the end of canoncity.
        George Segal: It was the day everything changed.
          Eric Roberts: The day was May 14, 1996.
        Paul McGann: The movie - DOCTOR WHO!!!

BFE (> 23/5/97


[Subject: Re: Howard DaSilva]

James H Scott (> wrote:

>Especially since he's been dead for eleven years.

Oopie!  That DEFINATELY calls for a "moment of silence."

"And Howard passed into the great hereafter, not knowing exactly what would
be facing him in the end..."

-Howard Da Silva, narrating his passage to the Afterlife.

Herb (> 26/5/97


[mild spoiler for The Dying Days - beware!]

Hey, I've just realised why Benny jumped the Doctor at the end of 'The
Dying Days'.

After all, she's always wanted to have a Doctor8 hasn't she?

Mark Blunden (> 27/5/97


Jennifer Guest ( wrote:
>My question is, If I sent any of you guys one of your novels with of
>course the standared "I worship you" (Not just talk either...  counts
>double for Lance!) letter, Along with a return Envelope & postage, would
>you sign it for me?  Or Would you laugh sadistically and throw is in the
>trash?  Just wondering.....
Well, I for one am happy to sign and return books. It helps if they're 
ones I've written, but I'm not proud. I'll sign anything.

John Peel (> 27/5/97


John Peel (> wrote:

> Well, I for one am happy to sign and return books. It helps if they're
> ones I've written, but I'm not proud. I'll sign anything.

I have here a large cheque drawn on your account. Please sign it "to
Peter, with best wishes for a happy early retirement". Careful how you
spell my surname.

Peter Anghelide$ (> 27/5/97

============ (Jonathan Blum) wrote:

>The Doctor is large; he contains multitudes.

No, that's Ian Levine.

Greg McElhatton (> 27/5/97


is IT just ME or DOES anyone ELSE find THEY take POSTS less OR more
SERIOUSLY based ON how MANY caps THEY use?

Saulchurch (>


[Subject: Re: Castrovalva Question]

Elsa Frohman (> wrote:
>Actually, the Fifth Doctor had the patented "Fresh Vegetable
>Preservation Field" 

Didn't help Adric did it?

Marcus E. Durham (> 4/6/97


Islington Library  (> wrote:
>Imagine that you as an NA/MA reader are like the wheelchair-bound man in 
>Alfred Hitchcock's film Rear Window,living your life vicariously by 
>watching the lives of your neighbours and getting drawn into them 
>emotionally over time.The cast of the NAs and MAs are the neighbours you 
>watch.Virgin,in printing the books,could be compared to someone who rents 
>you a telescope to do the watching with,while controlling the lives of 
>the cast by covert mind-control or something (!) 

You're weird, sir.


Jon Blum (> 4/6/97


Islington Library (> wrote:
>> Imagine that you as an NA/MA reader are like the wheelchair-bound man in
>> Alfred Hitchcock's film Rear Window,living your life vicariously by 
>> watching the lives of your neighbours and getting drawn into them 
>> emotionally over time.

To understand the viewpoint of the rest of us, try the following:

Imagine that as an NAs/MAs reader, you are an ordinary person reading
books about fictitious and totally non-existant people for interest and
enjoyment, and that Virgin are publishers who make a profit from selling

I know the above will be a stretch even for your obviously vivid
imagination, but do try it - it will make all sorts of things clearer to

Mark (> 4/6/97


Geoff Weasel wrote:
>Just completed DAMAGED GOODS, the debut WHO novel by Russell T. Davies, and was
>blown away.

Given the nature of some of the sexual innuendo in that particular book,
this could be the best Doctor Who related double entendre since "take a
man round the rear, sergeant"...

Keith Topping (> 4/6/97


[Subject: So Vile in Jacksonville]


 j a c k S O n V I L l E

By golly, you're right! Or were you just commenting on the weather?

Steve Leahy (>


James Bennetts (> wrote:
>>It's not a question of whether or not it's more advanced... the main 
>>disadvantage of the Time Ring (amply demonstrated by the story) is that, 
>>unlike a TARDIS, it can be fairly easily stolen even without a flatbed truck 
>>or a gang of Marshmen.

Paul Rhodes (> wrote:
>Er.. yes, but I think the ability to carry the damn thing around with
>you, rather than leaving it somewhere it's likely to get trapped by a
>rockfall/locked up/lifted away by a crane (or a giant hand)/stuck
>behind enemy lines in a world war, is something of a plus. Anyway,

I think if you're in a Terry Nation script, then your TARDIS or Time Ring will 
get trapped under a rockfall/debris, or stolen, or sealed shut by spitting 
plants, or suffer a power-drain from the nearby city, or be stolen by a Nazi 
guard with an airport metal detector or in some other way rendered useless to 
you. (If all else fails, rip out your own fluid link.) It's one of the rules. 
Like the shock appearance of the Dalek at the end of Episode 1. Big surprise 
that, after the credits invariably featured the word "Dalek". 

James Bennetts (> 4/6/97

========== (Stuart Burns) wrote:
>OK, so it's only 13.5 cm tall, made of ceramic and a bit overpriced, but
>it's very dinky and just a little bit cute!  See the current DWM for

>Trouble is, I'm not quite sure what to do with it!

Simple, really.  You hold up the computer print out of the wrong
numbers and point to them, so that the Doctor can get it back to the
right size.

Jeff Gilson 4/6/97


Alden Bates (> wrote:
>So why can it be opened in the first place?  And why by humans?  Do
>they have some sort of human maintenance team or do they have to
>go kidnapping humans every time they want to work on the Eye?

None of the above. The maintenance teams have a very special tool called
a 'Frozen Human Eye on a Stick' which they use to open the 'Eye of

Paul Ripley 7/6/97


John Fitton  (> wrote:
>The Eighth Doctors and Devil Goblins now in stock
  Ah yes, "The Eighth Doctors", the new novel which re-unites Hartnell's
left shin, Troughton's scalp and kneecaps, Pertwee's nose, Tom Baker's
head, Peter Davison's back, Colin Baker's right hand; just up to, but not
including, the forearm, Sylvester McCoy's brain, and, well they're still
negotiating with the estrogen brigade to determine a piece of McGann (BBC
Books having rejected their initial suggestion).

  Written (in part) by Terrance Dicks.

Tom Robinson (viveirmh@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 9/6/97


SKARO, n. A big quarry where the Daleks evolved from Dal and were
created from Kaleds and were later totally destroyed at least twice.
Also, the planet was blown up thanks to the Hand of Omega and the
ambitions of Davros, Emperor Dalek, until the Great Retcon. After
that, the history of this planet begins to be a little complicated....

R. Dan Henry (> 10/6/97


[Subject: Re: The last word on retconning]

If the cunningest, deviousest Doctor of them all is going to be so
easily outwitted, then perhaps the earlier, less experienced ones were
even more easily befuddled?

BRIGADIER: Benton, it's time again.

BENTON: Oh no, sir, I can't do it. It's cruel.

BRIGADIER: If we don't, he'll just get bored and nick off at the
earliest opportunity. We need to keep him interested so that when the
alien hordes finally arrive, he'll be here to turn them away.

BENTON: Oh, all right. Who's gonna wear the rubber suit this time?

Daniel Frankham (> 11/6/97

=========== wrote:
>I think the next doctor should be Clint Eastwood.  He would kick
>eveybody's ass.

I rather think the Doctor cares too deeply about all living things to 
inflict this kind of violence on innocent donkeys. 

Dan Blythe (> 15/6/97


Chris Casino  (> wrote:
>>OK, Jon, you drive me up a wall when you do this spoilers crap. You
>>revealed some stuff about EIGHT DOCTORS before some people even read it,
>>and now you're doing it to your own damn book! 

>>I don't remember what he asked you and I'm ignoring the stuff you told 
>>him, but I would like to be held in a tad bit of suspense. That's all.

Jonathan Blum (> wrote:
>Chris -- if you'd read my message before flaming me, you'd notice that
>I was talking about a couple of typos in my book.

>I even deleted the references to what the typos were.

>Now, if the fact that you now know that there's a period on page 272 which
>shouldn't be there, or that you know there's a character named "Carolyn" 
>(who turns up on page 1), will spoil the book for you, then what can I
>really say? 

Oh, great. Why do I even have to bother reading the book at all now? You
foreshadowed that period with the punctuation on pages 3, 7, 45, and 153,
and now you've given it away. Thanks a fucking lot.

Ken Carriere (> 16/6/97


Brigadier Nathan Rogers wrote:
>I'd love to see a book where the quote is not in the story anywhere,
>but buried somewhere on the page of "Thank Yous" (G>

The blurb for the upcoming novel, _Big Ugly Green Monsters From Outer
Space Who Kill People and Eat Them_:

	"To my Mum: Hi Mum. And thanks Belinda, and Samantha, and Lauren,
        and Kirsty. Kisses and all that. I told you they'd publish any old
        rubbish, eh?"

	There's something ugly afoot on the moors... Is it a great big
        monster	from outer space which is killing people and eating them?
        The Doctor doesn't think so, until local villagers find the
        remains of someone who's been eaten, alongside footprints of a
        monster from outer space, and a large alien dropping full of human
        remains. Then he begins to think it might be.

	Who is the mysterious piper with three sporrans? Why does the
	Blonde Man With Black Eyebrows have question marks on his jumper?
        Was that girl we saw Sergeant Benton with last night really
        just his sister? And does the Brigadier really keep his moustache
        in a glass of soda water while he sleeps?

Daniel Frankham (> 21/6/97


[Subject: Re: Best Who Tourist Spots In The UK?]

>What about Pervale???

Some sort of pornographic beer is it?

Geoff Phillips (> 21/6/97


Alex Sheffield (> wrote:

>I'm going to London!  Any Who sights I should check out...?

>Suggestions welcome!

Go down into the sewers; there are still parts of Cybermen down there,
plus a couple of giant rats. Or wander off into the parts of the
Underground you aren't supposed to -- I'm sure some sort of monster is
plotting something there even now. The most fun, of course, is to try
to visit UNIT HQ. I don't know anyone who has actually been allowed
inside, but you can sometimes see something going on from outside.
Just ask official sources for the address. They'll try to put you off
at first, as UNIT is a top secret organization. They may even try
denying it exists. Don't accept this answer, be persistant.
Bureaucrats will help you when doing their jobs is easier than putting
up with more of your annoying demands.

R. Dan Henry (> 21/6/97


 - Robert Smith?

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