The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Jun./Jul./Aug. 98

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the
"best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to
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On with the quotes!


Susan Foreman wrote:

>  dammit, i'm the only poet in this group

You didn't really think that *that* statement
was going to go unchallenged, did you?


Shall I compare thee to a CVE?
Thou art not so impossible to find.
I simply call upon my ISP,
And leave the world of sanity behind.

A plethora of messages awaits.
Can't read them all. But which to give a miss?
There's "Waxy", he who never urinates,
For from him everyone doth take the piss.

Some chap decries the use of printed word
To load the canon. "Balls to that!" quoth he.
It may be that the fellow hath not heard:
There are no New Adventures on T.V.

Alas, today I've had but time to lurk.
And now the boss says "Get thee back to work!"

B. Armstrong (> 25/6/98


Eng6gcgs wrote
> And lets not forget that he has named just about every sodding
> artefact, from the smallest (The Loom of Rassilon's Mouse) to the
> biggest (that harp?)  after himself. I mean, Omega and the Other
> don't even get a look in when it comes to ancient relics.

Omega gets a whole Hand of his own, which is more than can be
recovered of him (you can just see the scribes taking Rassilon a bit
too seriously when, on seeing Omega's experiment, he says "Ladies and
gentlemen, Omega has given us mastery over time.  Let's give him a big

Daniel Gooley (> 25/6/98


FWIW, I think "Sky Pirates!" is a joy -- it could have been a little
bit shorter, but it's still a stand-out.  Even in a year with
"Warlock", "Set Piece", "Sanctuary", "Human Nature", "Original Sin",
and "The Also People", it still stands out as one of the most
gloriously out-there can-the-NA's-*DO*-that? books in the line.  It
doesn't just push the envelope -- it rips it to shreds, tosses the
pieces up into the air like confetti, then rolls them all up and
smokes them.

Jonathan Blum (> 25/6/98


Nathan Rogers (> wrote:
>What about the Sisterhood of Karn?
>Do they count?

I believe you are thinking of the Logopolitans.

Daniel Gooley (> 25/6/98


B. Armstrong (> wrote:

>Shall I compare thee to a CVE?


Let us go then, you and I
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like block-transfer computation;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted Tombs,
The heavily chilled rooms
Where Cybermen in plastic wrap uncurl
With logic-gates in agate and in pearl:
Tombs that follow like a tedious episode
Budgeted low, seldom showed,
To lead you to an over-blown cliff-hanger:
Oh do not say, "It's bloated",
Let us go, felt hat and coated.

In the room the Daleks come and go,
Exterminating Liz and Jo.

Graham Nelson (> 26/6/98


Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>"The human female has escaped!  I have failed!  I have FAILED!  I HAVE

Actually, I often feel like that...

Graham Nelson (> 26/6/98


[Subject: Re: Evil and Fury clips and JVR]

Reuben wrote:
>If it appears to be that straightforward and simple, why has no one tried
>this before?  I would think tracking down the original owner would be
>best done rather soon.  Unfortunately many of the 60's Who production
>staff are getting up there, and quite a few have already made the trip to
>Tom Baker's fantasy land, so in fan intrest would it not be best to
>expidite this quest?

This conjured up a disturbing image of Tom Baker's cemetery being full
of deceased BBC employees...

"Oh yes, I remember him. Had a drink with him once. And him, he was a
dreadful director, wouldn't let me change the script. And it was a
terrible script. Well, I'm in charge of *him* now. And here's the
writer of that one, terrible hack I'm afraid. And poor old Graeme. I
quite liked Graeme. And there's Shirley from the canteen, there. Made
a very nice ham sandwich."

Daniel Frankham (> 26/6/98


Robert Smith? (> wrote:
>>Is there a term for a sex scene between (say) the fifth and eighth
>>Doctors? I ask only for information.

Rebecca Dowgiert (bb708@FreeNet.Carleton.CA> wrote:
>Come on - between all of us, we should be able to create an appropriate
>term for this fascinating practice...!  Get those twisted minds
thinking!!  >=-)

Hmm... monosexuality?  Or is that too sterile?  (Too sterile a
definition, I mean.  Stop that.)  A "monomasturbatory experience" is
probably too much of a mouthful (I said *stop* that), as well as
seeming redundant, but "duomasturbatory" loses the delightful
near-alliterativeness of the m-m construction.  Personally, I prefer

Or, of course, it could just be a paradox.

Cameron Dixon (> 27/6/98


Welcome To My Programme Guide, yes the Charles Daniels Programme Guide.
Unlike Other Programme Guides this is has been done without any
any important Doctor Who celebrity writing the Foreword, No
No table of stories, and no serious research or feelings of responisbility
toward research and accuracy..basically what you see is what you get,
fun time enjoy!   One new story will be added per week or so.

Serial A - An Unruly Child -

1. The Unruly Child       2. The Knave of Skills
3. The Furthest of Fudge  4. The Pyremaker

The first story started with a police officer carrying the kicking and
screaming Susan back home after a night of wild drug use and endless
partying at a local London night club "The Juvenile Delinquent", and
Susan lives up to name, she's just 15, has been investigated for murder
and often rides with a female biker gang and hangs with a drifter named
"Johnny".  Meanwhile her school teachers Ian Chesterton and Barbara
Wright sit and talk about Susan as they experience flashbacks induced
by the acid she slipped into their coffee that morning.  Ian and Barbara
are amazed at how bad Susan is doing at school on those occasions that she
actually shows up without trying to burn down the place.  The two decide
to rely on Ian's skills as a highly proficient stalker, which is how they
originally met, to track down Susan's home and retrieve various bits of
school property that have gone missing.   At first they are shocked and
believe that Susan has stolen a police telephone box for kicks, but they
then are eve MORE shocked to discover her anti-social behaviour stems from
her cramped living conditions inside the Police Box with a Grandfather
who can not even remember his own name.  Identified only as The Doctor,
Susan's grandfather is shocked to hear of his granddaughter's ill
behaviour at school and is about to punish her when she leaps onto a
console inside the Police Box, hijacking her grandfather and two school
teachers into the depths of the universe and the boundless horizons of
time for a laugh.

They arrive in 100,000 BC where cavemen are desperately looking for the
secret of high powered explosives to blow up some other cavemen with
similar goals.  The Doctor does not want to get involved with earth's
past and Ian and Barbara refuse to face the situation INSISTING they
are still suffering from the LSD cocktail.  After getting captured,
escaping, and getting re-captured, escaping again, and getting
re-re-captured Susan decides this just isn't fun anymore and decides
to blow up everything with some pipe bombs she's been saving for a
special occasion - however it does depress her that her school teachers
have survived completely intact.
   In this first story Susan shines as the amazing anti-heroin,
the two school teachers are realistically portrayed as bumbling idiots,
and The Doctor is a tetchy, selfish old bastard.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And An Unruly Child,
                        Guns 'N Ammo Magazine, and
                        The Encyclopedia of 60s Hooligans

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
        "I suppose yoy believe that you suppose that you can...ohh..yes..
         I do suppose you do!"

        "My dear boy, when the first red train saw an indian he thought
         his eyes were an illusion too!"

        "Za..ahhh..hur..umm..horg..mmm...YOU!  Cave Person!"

Goofs - Ian's first hallucination happens well before he drinks the
        tainted coffee, however this MAY be intentional to show Ian
        was one swinging dude - despite his bad tie and stripey
        undershirt as evidence to the contrary.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Susan: "Oh a book about the French Revolution! It will be such fun to

Susan: "Ohh my! Trapped in the form of a POLICE BOX!  How crypto-fascist!
        This is totally representative of the current state of affairs of
        the official oppression of the masses and the watchful eye of big
        brother amongst the youth and working classes!  BASTARDS!"

Doctor: "Oh dear, this machine isn't working properly, damn piece of
         junk I knew I should have gotten the deluxe model at Svens!"

Ian: "A thing that looks like a police box, standing in a junk yard that
      can movie anywhere in time and space!?  It's ridiculous, like a bad
      children's show on BBC!"

Barbara: "Can't you see this is just some game you and your grandfather
          have made up, some fantasy you've been living, like when Ian
          and I play baby oil twister!"

Za: "Za make fire!  Fire go BOOM!  Stuff blow up!  Za happy!"

Rumors -
Many rumors have circulated about this story over the years, from the
absolutely ludicrous "The cavemen in the story are brilliant actors that
portray a real sense of drama and the struggles of life in the stone age",
which could have only be attributed to a the fact that no one saw this
story for well over a decade, to the rather more sensible rumor
"The Doctor in this episode attracts the attention of the cavemen when
he brings out a crack pipe", this is a common myth however as anyone
who has seen the episode knows the cavemen become curious when they
see the Doctor heating a piece of metal, in this case a spoon, and
using a syringe.
Another famous rumor is that the title of this episode is actually
"The Chick Who Blows Up Cavemen" which was taken from a publicity
photo mixed in with the camera scripts of this story which quite
clearly referred to this story as "The Unroly Child" on pages 1 - 43
and "Chick Who Blows Up Cavemen Cutaway" on pages 44 - 67.

Charles Daniels (> 27/6/98


[Subject: Re: Homo Victorianus Ineptus]

Erin Tumilty (> wrote:
>He was put in a glass case in case Josiah wanted a good
>laugh. Java isn't really a place, it's more like a...

>...state of being.

You don't work for Sun Microsystems by any chance do you? ;)

Simon Cooke (> 27/6/98


[Subject: Great moments in "The Chase"]

[Scene:  The TARDIS has just landed in the jungle on Mechanus.]

Barbara:  Just look at that vegetation!
Ian:      Yes...  Just as though it were alive.
Doctor:   (ominously)  Alive...  yes...

If vegetation being alive is that noteworthy for them, they must be
*really* bad gardeners.

[Scene:  after chasing the Doctor, Ian, Barbara, and Vicki for three and a
half episodes, a Dalek finally spots Ian and the Doctor in the haunted
house's lab, and asks them...]

Dalek:    Where - are - the - time - travellers?

Forget undestroying Skaro, the retcon we *really* need to bring back the
Daleks' sense of terror is an explanation of this story.  The best thing I
can come up with is that the Daleks in this story were the Skarosian
equivalent of the recruits from "Police Academy", sent on this mission by
their higher-ups as part of a devious plan... first, to clear out some of
the losers from the mighty Dalek army, and secondly, to lull the Doctor
and company into a false sense of security if they think this is the best
the Daleks can throw at them.

Come to think of it, the "Police Academy" connection suddenly makes a lot
of the details in this story make sense -- the Dalek in episode two
shouting "Well get on with it!" at an underling who's just sitting there,
the one who does a pratfall off the side of the Marie Celeste for no
immediately obvious reason, the Chinese-fire-drill "Attack formation" in
episode five (which consists of three Daleks running around in a circle
excitedly shouting "Attack formation!" before ending up almost exactly in
the spots they were in before)...  It might even explain why a couple of
the (dummy) Daleks in the time machine appear to have forgotten the bases
on their skirts, and therefore are about four inches shorter than all the

Every time I see this story, it just boggles the mind more and more...

Jon Blum (> 30/6/98


Charles Daniels wrote:
>What does this have to do with anything?  Well it
>just happens that the word "Na" was our word for
>"Silly looking mastadon over there, remember
>chase him off the cliff but don't follow him past
>that!" so that always gives me a chuckle.

It's funny you should mention that, since I've been undergoing hypnotic
regression to try to bring back the memories of my past lives and
establish an English-Neanderthal dictionary for future scholars.  Any
assistance with this project would be much appreciated.  This is what I've
recalled to date:

"Ug" - Oh, look, a spaceship.
"Urgh" - Another one.
"Og" - And yet another...
"Arr" - Third this week, you know.
"Igig" - Bloody hell, haven't these aliens got homes to go to?
"Om" - Well, well, well.  A Daemon.  La-de-bloody-da.
"Eeeg" - No, the course of human development is doing very nicely all by
itself, thank you very much.  You can bugger off now.
"Eech" - Are you bloody deaf or something?
"Ungh" - You're looking for a good kicking, mate.  Go meddle with someone
else's genetic structure.  I hear the weather's nice on Mars this time of
"Woo" - And pass the message on to that bloke from Ghost Light while
about it, would you?
"Fer" - And a sodding Fendahl!
"Dunh" - Scaroth!  The Exxilons!  The Osirans!
"Yohg" - I give up.
"Quoo" - I mean, please.
"Ak" - Pass me that stone axe, would you...

Finn Clark (> 1/7/98


Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote
>I adore White Darkness and First Frontier and will say so at every
reasonable >opportunity despite DM and I not exactly been close friends.

Dangermouse (> wrote:
>I don't particularly bother about your criticisms nowadways. Someday I'll
>convert you...

I suddenly see a vision of Darth Dangermouse (voiced by James Earl Jones)
cutting off Robert Smithwalker's hand in an upcoming book:

Darth: Robert, Orman-Wan never told you what happened to Uncle Terrance.

Robert: She told me enough! She told me you killed him!

Darth: Robert, I am Uncle Terrance!

Robert: No! That's not true. That's IMPOSSIBLE!

Darth: Search your TARGET novelizations. You KNOW it to be true!

Robert: NO!!! (lets go of the Deja-news platform and plummets towards the

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 1/7/98


Quences wrote:
> I went to buy 'Placebo Effect' yesterday, but the shop had none left.
> Does this mean that Gary Russell has sold out?

I gave copies of "Placebo Effect" to a group of friends, to gauge
their reactions. Five of them got the real copies, but another
five got the covers wrapped around the novelisation of "Ghost
Light", because they are my Control Group.

Peter Anghelides (> 1/7/98


[The Wacky July Survey]

Charles Daniels (> wrote:
> 6. Which room in the TARDIS does the Doctor
> always keep locked?

"Quickly, my child! We must hurry!" The old man ran through the door
of the nearest TARDIS - an old Type 40, in for restoration - with a
speed and agility which belied his advanced years.
Within, he was confronted by the sight of a Timelord technician
slaving over the decrepit console.
"'Ere! Wotchoo doin'? You can't come in 'ere!" cried the tech. So
surprised was he by the sudden entrance of the Doctor, he had no time
to react as the older man brought a Mergin Nut firmly down on his
forehead, and then all was stars...
"What're we going to do with the body, Grandfather?"
"Hush, child! I'm thinking! Oh, ah, er, just stick him in a room
somewhere, would you, hm? And lock the door! I'll deal with him when I
get a moment."
In later years, the Doctor was often seized by a nagging feeling he'd
forgotten something. But such thoughts were soon dispelled by his
quest to fix whatever it was that caused the intermittment thumping
that occassionaly echoed up and down the TARDIS corridors....

Ben Woodhams (> 1/7/98


[Wacky July Survey]

Charles Daniels (> wrote:
> 9. Which DW poster would you most like to have hung
> on your wall?

The one I made from the cover of TV Zone with Sylv handing the TARDIS
key to Paul - I added the caption "Here you go son, don't you DARE put
a scratch on it..."

Helen Fayle (> 1/7/98


Paul Gadzikowski wrote:
> My understanding is that kissing originated as a means of tasting
> each other to see whether you were genetically compatible.

How so? Surely there are far more effective and easier benchmarks to
use? For instance, if your date has does nothing but chew grass and
say 'Moo', then I reckon it's a pretty safe bet that you're geneticaly
incompatible, and it's time to re-evaluate the nature of your

YMMV, of course.

Ben Woodhams (> 1/7/98


[Subject: Vengeance on Varos - Good grief! (Spoilers)]

Not that I'm an entirely whingey git, but...

Monday, myself and my girlfriend were being disgruntled in Virgin
Megasnore at the lack of 'Horror of Fang Rock'. In a lame attempt to
somehow compensate for our disappointment, dearest beloved picks up
'VoV', despite my deep philosophical objection to forking out cash for
anything remotely connected with Jason Connery.

I remember watching this on transmission, but the details had largely
been scoured from my brain by merciful suppression, mental defences
operating at full pelt. As a result, I was somewhat unprepared for the
onslaught that followed.

What on earth was going on? Apart from a couple of notable exceptions,
the cast and characters seemed mogadoned to me. Eg:
1. When the Doctor, Peri, Jondar and the Woman With Low Self-Esteem Who
Thinks She's A Lizard Really peg it to the TARDIS, and the Doctor says
"Well, my ship *was* right here!", why doesn't Jondar say something
"Oh ho! Wait, hold on a minute. You telling me you *parked* your
spaceship in a *corridor*? Great. I'm on the run with a multi-coloured
Nope, heroic Jondar takes this in his stride.

2. Actually, Jondar's fairly lacking in the 'hero' department. For a
rebel 'leader', he spends an awful lot of time asking the Doctor "What
do we do now?". Moreover, despite (or because of?) a costume designed to
show off Connery's physique to its best advantage, he's a weed. Check it
out when he floors a guard with a chop in Ep.2. My granny could come
back from that and thwack 'im with her handbag. But, luckily for Jondar,
the guard sportingly drops like a stone. It's the drugs, obviously.

3. *Twice* the Doctor falls for the Varosian illusions. (First time, at
the climax to Ep.1, when he falls to the floor, it reminded me of
nothing more than the Penguin's death in 'Batman Returns'. You can just
hear a nation's youth crying "Mummy! The fat, sweaty man's fallen down!
Please don't let him die, he's my hero!" Or not.) Well, first time he's
just faking for a good(?) cliffhanger, and the second time, he snaps out
of it. Even so, Sue & I were going "Hold on, he's supposed to be above
this sort of thing!"

4. What's this rubbish with Peri turning into a bird? Although the
feathered cleavage provided a moment of laughter. "Leg or breast, sir?"

5. That guard suddenly changing alleigances when The Governor's about to
cop it: that was a stroke of luck, eh?

6. And what about....oh, forget it. You get the idea.

Oh no, wait. If we can get a touch PC for a moment, the
characters/casting seemed a touch dodgy in concept. One of the redeeming
factors of the story is, of course, Sil. It's great to see an actor with
a disability like Nabil Shaban's getting a decent role on TV, but
slightly galling that he probably only got it *because* of his
disability. It's a genuine delight whenever he apears on screen. Apart
from Peri ("What have you done to the Doctor?" They've killed 'im, of
course, you dozy fool!), half of the female cast is totally ineffectual,
and Thinks She's a Lizard. Anyone want to guess at what the only black
members of the cast get to do? Hmmm.

I loved the A.N.Other couple, though. But even there, the acting's way
below par at moments.

Anyway, sorry to bang on about it - but is there anyone out there
prepared to try and justify this story's position in their affections?
I'd love to know *how*.

Ben Woodhams (> 1/7/98


Charles Daniels (> wrote:

>Ben (> wrote:
>> It's great to see an actor with
>> a disability like Nabil Shaban's getting a decent role on TV, but
>> slightly galling that he probably only got it *because* of his
>> disability.

>Well yes!  They needed someone to fit the costume.

        *hazy, wavy flashback effect -- the BBC, circa
         the mid-eighties .... *

        "Hey, check out this costume I designed for the next
        serial!  Hours of design work and backbreaking mold
        casting, but it's finished!  Pretty brill, huh?"

        "Ummm -- "

        "What?  What's the matter?"

        "Where are the legholes?"

        " .........  fuck."

        "No, no!  Wait!  Stop crying!  Hang on.  I've got
        an idea."


        "I'm calling Central Casting .... "

Michael Montoure   (> 2/7/98


Paul 'Ozymandias' Harman (> wrote:
>If it does, then it does conflict with
>Lungbarrow biut as it's a Peel book it
>comes under the category of
>"apocrypha" for me (esp. after the
>War incident). This doesn't mean I
>exclude Peel books from my 'canon',
>I just take them with a pinch of salt.

So, you're saying that the actual
"Legacy of the Daleks" is written
differently than John Peel's real

Does that mean I can accept "Lungbarrow"
as "apocryhpa" and say that the actual
"Lungbarrow" is written differently than
Platt's real novel.  If so, I'd like to throw
out the following concepts: the looms,
the wacky loomed family, the origin for

Okay, so here's what really happened in
"The Doctor's Visit"--the true title for
"Lungbarrow"--The Doctor and Ace go
to a Time Lord space station to visit his
family: his father, his mother--who's life
has been prolonged by the Sisterhood's
elixir--his son and his wife.  They all have
a lovely chat over tea and crumpets.

Ace embarasses the Doctor with such
stories as the time he landed on the planet
of the Hoothi, quickly soused out what was
wrong and concocted a fungicide to save
Jan and his friends.  She talks about the
crush that nice Benny Summerfield had
on the Professor--"she became a traveling
companion for awhile."

Afterwards, the Doctor takes Ace to
the Charlie Parker concert but is
interrupted by a relayed request from
the Master.  The Doctor checks the time
from whence the request comes, and he
smiles.  He hasn't seen the warm, fuzzy
Daleks in awhile.  So, yes, he'll pick the
Master's remains.  The Doctor apologizes
to Ace but tells her she can remain if she
wishes, and he'll return for her later.

When the TARDIS materializes, he is
greeted by the high-pitched squeals of
"Fiend!" and "The Doctor's back!"
The Daleks also attend the Doctor with
fresh tea and crumpets.  The trial of the
Master proceeds, and the Doctor watches
his greatest enemy's execution--the
events of "Enemy Within," not the Kirk
version, unfold.

Ray C. Tate (> 2/7/98


[The Benny/Doctor picture in DWM]

Whatever it is, it's the most potent bit of NA iconography going.
Benny leaning against a tree drinking while the Doctor stands far
behind. Humanity put in the foreground at last - flawed, beautiful,
and wearing fucking stupid earrings.

Richard Jones (> 3/7/98


Alden Bates wrote:
>>Er, so if they're audio adventures, what's the "visual" part to
>>justify the name?  I mean, if you're going to call them "Audio
>>Visuals" and then just have audio, what's the point?

Corey Klemow wrote:
>Probably because the "visuals" are in audio... you know, "theatre of
>the mind", "imagination", "the mind's eye", that sort of thing?

'Ere!  That's not cricket!  If I pay for something that says "visual"
on the box, I damn well expect there to be something to look at!  I
mean, sheesh, I have to do half the work now?!  What is Doctor Who
coming to?!  Next they're going to be selling us _books_ and telling
us we have to imagine the visuals _and_ the sound!  Where will we be
then?  I ask you....

And what about the poor people who haven't got imaginations with which
to imagine the visuals?  Do they get their money back?  Noooo!  Too
many people have had our imaginations shrivelled away by too many bad
movies and violent computer games, and can _they_ enjoy these things?
Nooo!!  It's a crying shame!

We must find a scapegoat!  Pick up your burning torches and let's hunt
them down!

Alden Bates (> 5/7/98


[Subject: A day in the life of a Doctor Who fan]

5.30am - Can't sleep so I put on a tape of Timelash. Did the trick.

8.00am - Woken up by my Doctor Who alarm clock. Bleary eyed I stagger
         over to the computer. It still hasn't finished rendering
         the 3D model of Peri's boobs. Typical!

8.05am - Use the other PC to download my Usenet news. I notice
         Robert Smith has replied to one of my posts. I spend
         the next hour trying to think up a sharp and witty
         reply before deciding just to be rude instead.

9.15am - UK Gold's showing Twin Dilemma today. I set up twelve video
         recorders to tape the story just in case something goes

10.10am - Bum! The powers gone off! All the VCR's have fused the main
          supply. How am I supposed to predict events like this? I make
          a note to buy a generator.

11.05am - The powers back on but I've missed the end of the story.

11.06am - Decide to write a letter to UK Gold complaining. They should
          be more considerate and pause the showing when I've
          got a powercut!

11.45am - Got to post the letter now. This involves going outside. I
          usually only go outside when there's a new video release.
          Undaunted I make my way to a postbox. Passers-by laugh
          at me. Being a Who-fan I'm used to this. However I later
          realise this is because I haven't changed out of my
          Dalek pyjamas.

12.30pm - Decide to eat my lunch. I've built a replica TARDIS food
          machine. Inside it's really a microwave. I look in the fridge
          only to find that there is no food. I must have spent all
          my money on that replica War Machine. Still at least it's good
          for scaring the neighbours cat.

1.00pm - I'm hungry and there is no food. So I decide to eat my copy of
         The Two Doctors. It's quite tasty, but the spools are a little

2.35pm - Ian Fanboy phones. Apprently he says he's got a copy of 10th
         Planet part 4 and he's not going to let me see it. Git! I'm
         going to set fire to his replica Who-mobile.

3.30pm - Outside Ian Fanboys house. He's out. Perhaps I could break in?

4.40pm - Back home. I managed to get into Ians house and I've managed
         to "borrow" a tape marked 10th Planet pt4. I put it in the
         VCR but it turns out to be an episode of Going For Gold.
         I knew he was lying. Unless the 1st Doctor regenerated into
         Henry Kelly.

6.00pm - The 3D rendering of Peri's breasts still hasn't finished. I
         download the news again only to find some pillock has posted
         a 45 meg picture of Mel. After I climb down off the ceiling
         I report the idiot to his ISP.

7.30pm - Coronation Street is evil because it was on against McCoy's
         era. Ergo I make the point of having Coronation Street
         on my TV, but I sit with my back to it as a form of protest.

8.00pm - I decide to watch Ambassadors of Death in every detail. Ergo
         I decide to watch it using my VCR's slow-motion feature. I'll
         post a review to radw later. They'll find it really

3.00am - Finish watching Ambassadors and decide to go to bed.

Marcus Durham  (> 6/7/98


Ray C. Tate (> wrote:
>     Eliot steps off the running board as Paul flicks his cigarette in a
>nearby sewer grate.  The two former T-men open the door to the
>squat tavern.  Drunken singing erupts from the inner sanctum
>of the Blood-eyed Looming Black Goat Inn.
>      'Ding-dong the witch's dead!'
>      The minstrels' arms wave and flail.  Suds escape their mugs of
>dark bitter and drop foam to the floor-boards while others hook
>the waists of comely and not so pretty women in aprons and
>ale-drenched dresses.
>      Eliot and Paul step into the light.  The singing stops.
>      "I think you know why I'm here."
>      'The coppers who want to gaol the saint tha' killed the miserable
> CAM.'
>       "I take it you didn't like him."
>       'You'll not find a man or woman 'ere that did.'
>       "What did he do that offended you so much?"
>       'Insulted us.  Every last one.'
>       "Murder's a harsh punishment for an insult."
>       'Not the way he did it.'
>       "So suspects aplenty."
>       'Not us, Ness.  We all got alibis.'
>       "All of you?"
>       'Yeah, each other.'
>      The men and women chortle and begin singing again.  Ness,
>silent as a stalking wolf, nears the leader's table.  He ducks
>to the beer-soaked floor and grasps the chairs' legs.  The
>singing stops.  Ness brushes down his long coat and walks
>toward the dazed minstrel.  He places his foot on the bald
>man's thick throat.

         The bald man stares deep into Ness' eyes.
         'Opress us if ye will, copper. But we did what was right, arr, so
we did.'
         "Killing? Right?"
         'Aye, it be necessary with evil such as the CAM. Evil that
belittle'ed both subject and object, that didst ruin perfectly decent
reviews, and taint the very fabric of the newsgroup i'self with it's
partisan, derogatory and blinkered claims, geared to get under people's
skin and make 'em scratch 'till they're as red raw as a coal fire. Loike.'
         "Oh OK," Ness smiled. "If you say so. Just wanted to clear
matters up. Drinks for eveyone!"
         A cheer rings out around the four-star alehouse, and the
minstrels begin to play once more. All is chummyness and light.
         Ness helps the bald minstrel back to his feet. "By the way, where
are you from exactly?"

Gregg Smith (> 6/7/98


>>I dunno.  Maybe if we all marched on BBC TV Centre with burning

>Can't see that would have much effect on BBC Worldwide, whose
>offices are half a mile up the road.

Well, yes, but you see the road to the BBC TV Centre is now so well
known by fans that we'd have trouble taking the burning torches
everywhere else.  I mean, the BBC TV Centre journey has all the little
perks of a good lynching: merchandise for sale on the way, ready made
placards reading "Bring back our show" or "Sack the producer" in a
variety of colours, guest appearances by actors who can't get work
anywhere else...

I really think we need to march on the BBC TV Centre with burning
torches to petition Worldwide to move their offices half a mile down
the road.  Who's with me?

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 7/7/98


[Subject: Re: Silver Nemesis On UK Gold]

Shouldn't this posting be on rec.arts.alchemy ???

Mike Teague (> 7/7/98


Helen Fayle (> wrote
> Hey - if a really cracking opening line is required, I throw open
> the challenge - most gripping first sentence that could be used to
> say hello to someone on the phone... the un-putdownable phone
> call...

"By picking up the phone, you have tilted a mercury switch connection.
Stay very still and listen carefully. If you tilt the handset again,
the 700lb bomb on the opposite side of the room will explode... We now
bring you excerpts from 'Time of Your Life' read by Pigbin Josh."

Peter Anghelides (> 7/7/98


David wiSoli Ringess  (> wrote:
>I'm just after finishing "The Crystal Buchaphleas" (which deserves
>an award for techno-jargon) and wondering - what planet was New
>Alexandria suppposed to be?
>Gallifrey? But Turlough recognises the co-ordinates of the planet
>(Kamelion say something like "But isn't this the same as-" and he
>replies "I know!" cutting him off). How would Turlough recognise the
>co-ordinates of Gallifrey? Are they that well known??!!!

SCENE: TARDIS Interior, male bedroom. A Deva-Lokan necklace sits idly
on the shelf. We see TURLOUGH walk in and sniff, audibly.

        What a dump! Bloody kids room...

                THE BLACK GUARDIAN
        You are mine, boy, mine. Nyahahahahahah. Now clean up this bedroom
        before attacking the TARDIS console so the TARDIS can implausibly
        appear to be a door and land at Terminus.

        I shan't! I shan't! (beat) Ow, that hurts. Okay, okay... Say
        what's this? A diary?

He opens the book and begins to read out loud

        "Dear Diary, Stowed away in TARDIS today. Hope my badge for
        mathematical excellence doesn't crumble into the console. Found
        out Azarius' coordinates (-13405 Mark 2, gosh I'm good at this)
        are the exact opposite of Gallifrey's. I wonder if that means
        Gallifrey is populated by award winning actors and convincing
        monster costumes? Must dash, I feel an urge to implausibly betray
        the Doctor to some vampires in bad makeup..."

Turlough sits for a moment

        Hmm. I wonder if that'll ever come in handy? Nah.

                THE BLACK GUARDIAN

Cue THEME MUSIC. End credits.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 8/7/98


[Subject: An Unearthly Child (spoilers)]

An Unearthly Child/100,000 BC/The Tribe of Gum etc etc etc

Two school teachers, Ian and Barbara, become concerned about one of
their pupils, Susan, and decide to follow her home one evening. 'Home'
turns out to be a (spoiler deleted>, in which sits a (spoiler deleted>
which is in fact a (spoiler deleted>. Susan's grandfather arrives and
denies she is inside the (spoiler deleted>, but when they hear Susan's
voice from inside, Ian and Barbara barge in, to find the interior is
(spoiler deleted>.

Before they can leave, Susan's grandfather, known only as (spoiler
deleted> activates the controls and the (spoiler deleted> takes of,
travelling through (spoiler deleted>.

They arrive in (spoiler deleted> times, where they dicover a tribe of
(spoiler deleted> who are involved in a power struggle and have lost
the secret of (spoiler deleted>. After a series of captures and
escapes the (spoiler deleted> travellers escape in the (spoiler
deleted>, only to land on the planet (spoiler deleted>, where they are
about to encounter the deadly (spoiler deleted> for the first time.

I hope I didn't ruin the story for anyone who hasn't seen it.

Mark Phippen (> 9/7/98


Waxvax (> wrote:
>>What does the BBC hold from The Tenth Planet, episode four? I heard they
>>received a tape claiming to have that on it a while ago. Updates?

The Doctor wrote:
>False hope and blank tape.

And the greatest of these is blank tape.

Daniel Frankham (> 9/7/98


Lance Parkin (> wrote:
>>You have to grab from the start and keep them hooked.

Kate Orman (> wrote:
>This principle can't be emphasised enough. You need a killer first
>sentence, a killer first paragraph - and avoid the old fanfic
>mistake of having a gripping opening, followed by pages of
>exposition. Keep that action, that interest going.

How about a Doctor Who "It was a dark and stormy night" competition?
For those who haven't heard of it, it's an annual competition where
entrants have to come up with a "worst first line". And the worst wins
a prize. It's named in honour of a novel by Edward Bulwer-Lytton,
which begins "It was a dark and stormy night" (later immortalised in
the Peanuts comics.)

The black-garbed figure stepped out of the unfamiliar pot plant and
strode purposefully toward the trembling President of the United
States -- who pulled the sheets up to his chin as if trying to hide
the supine figure of an adulterous intern -- and whispered in
hypnotic, darkly ululating, tones, 'I am the Master, and you will obey

The black Dalek glided down a corridor in the heart of the capital
city of Skaro, which hadn't been destroyed after all, despite what a
lot of people thought, marvelling at the supreme cleverness of its
cunning machinations, and anticipating with almost exterminatory
relish the look on the Doctor's face when it explained at length what
had really been going on for the last couple of thousand years of
their history.

Daniel Frankham (> 9/7/98


Daniel Frankham (> wrote:
> How about a Doctor Who "It was a dark and stormy night" competition?

This is like playing a Doctor Who editorial game of one of those
'gong' shows, where you have to keep going with the first sentence
until Steve Cole hits the Gong of Rassilon and sends you the rejection

"The Space Station hung menacingly in the sky, looking like an
overripe piece of fruit that had been left hanging on a tree despite
winter, except that the tree was the murky, dark blackness of deepest
space, its branches the arms of eternity, its leaves the stars and its
berries the planets and ateroids and the piece of fruit was the once
glittering and succulent prize which time had now withered into an
aging, decaying, worn-out has-been, basking in past glories and hoping
against all forlorn hope that it could someday be of the use that had
always been denied it."


"In a police box that was not a police box at all, a man with a
young-old face and a shock of Beatle-like white hair, an incredibly
long scarf wrapped around his pleasant, open neck, hummed a wheezing,
groaning sound to himself in the impossibly large control room beside
a very small, very pretty girl in an outlandish dress and a mop of
curly brown hair and a best friend who was, in fact, a mobile computer
in the shape of a dog (see Doctor Who and the Invisible Enemy)"


"Dead, he was fucking dead and I, Sam Jones, killed him, my best
friend the Doctor, but it all started when the Valeyard -"


Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 9/7/98


Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote:
>Should time travel ever become a reality, I intend to travel back to 1964
>and offer any or all monies to make it a reality that the script
>involving the key plot point of having a giant octopus be the dangerous
>and malevolent entity at the heart of the TARDIS Console be filmed.

DOCTOR: Oh no, we're trapped! The TARDIS will never d... dem...
hmmm.... fly again!

BARBARA: Don't tell me there's another knob jammed in the console!

IAN: I keep telling you, I came into the console room after I'd had a
shower, because I thought I'd left my toothbrush on the console. And
then it lurched to the side, and my towel fell off, and...

DOCTOR: No Smithsonian, it's the octopus! It says it won't make the
column go up and down any more! It's arm is getting tired! And it says
it got a splinter from the stick!

SUSAN: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Daniel Frankham (> 10/7/98


Jonathan Blum (> wrote
>>That depends entirely on what Steve will let us get away with.  :-)  He
>>hasn't signed off on the latest revised outline yet, but the bit that
>>involves the Doctor's human side is still fairly explicit.

Dangermouse (> wrote:
>Urg. You gonna be fucked if a future show/movie tells us he's fully aien
>from Gallifrey... (not to mention alienating half the fans...)


"Oooh, I see Jon has written into his latest book that the Doctor is
half-human, thereby confirming the dialogue from the TV movie."

"Good.  Nice to get those official BBC bits of canon in there, considering
the BBC sanctioned the TV movie."

"But...but wait!  There's a new Doctor Who coming out from the BBC!  And
it says that the Doctor is fully alien!"

"A...a new Who?  Written *after* Jon's book?  Contradicting it?"


"My God...Jon has betrayed us."

"To think we once liked him."

"Stone him!"

"Yes, stone him!"

"Build a bridge out of him!"

Sean Gaffney (> 10/7/98


Michael Simmons (> wrote:

>Something has just occured to me. Perhaps The Doctor being
>half-human is not merely the result of his parents having "fallen
>madly in love".  What if... a certain faction of Time Lord society
>has foreseen the gradual genetic degradation of the Gallifreyan gene
>pool, and is attempting to strengthen their race thru selective
>breeding with compatible species?  And IF in fact the Time Lords did
>genetically augment the distant (apelike) ancestors of Humans, could
>it have been for this very reason?

A TARDIS materializes on the African Savannah at the time of the Dawn
of Man, neatly disguised as a boulder.  Three Time Lords emerge and
walk the short distance to a colony of apelike pre-humans.  "Oh bloody
hell," complains one of the Gallifreyans.  "Can't go _anywhere_ these
days without stumbling over one of those ridiculous black

William December Starr (> 11/7/98


[Subject: Re: DOCTOR WHO Cleavage]

>>>Mariane Desautels mused of silicon-based busts:
>>>>I'm starting to wonder why no-one's mentionned Eldrad yet.

>>and the gravel-voiced R.J. Smith? replied:
>>>Because we're too busy getting our rocks off.

>Daniel Gooley wrote:
>>Robert's boulder than necessary comment is met with stoney silence.

Cameron Dixon wrote:
>That wasn't very gneiss of you.

No need to get so indigneous.  Sometimes Smith?s punny double-entendres
just jarr me out of my sedementary existance.  Robert mines the most
barren ground for humour, and comes up with some oresome stuff, some
absolute gems.  While any claim that this has made him vein is rather
rich, we should pursue the jewel objectives of plumming the lowest
possible depths ourselves, while panning (if not shafting) any efforts
which show evidence of having exhausted of the bottom of t'Pit (ie dull
and poor taste).  It is a desperate Smith indeed who must forge new
territories by testing his metal on base material which should normally be
beneath him.

It may not have been crystal clear that I've no intention to soil Robert's
name, but I'm trying to iron out my manner of expression.

Now, for some fresh air, perhaps we should return to the high (well,
undulating) ground of this thread's title.

Danny Gooley (> 13/7/98


>> How would the Doctor know he was half human?

Dangermouse" (> wrote:
>a) Biofeedback?

>b) From the brief telepathic contact he has with the Master when the
>Master uses the Eye to find him

>c) From knowing that he had a transfusion, knowing what regeneration
>does, and putting two and two together...

d) Sometime during the movie, when we weren't looking at him, he found
a handwritten note in one of the pockets of the Bat Masterson costume:

    No time to explain -- [illegible] on my trail -- but
    you're half-human now because of that hospital cock-up.

                        [hopelessly illegible signature]

    P.S.: If it comes up in conversation, say that it's on
          your mother's side.  Humans like mothers.

    P.P.S.: Cut the *blue* wire.

William December Starr (> 14/7/98



Waxvax (> wrote:
>>Why can't they be Morbius's?

Dave Roy wrote:
>I've got this incredible feeling of....deja vu.

>Dave Roy

That's not Dave Roy's feeling of deja vu, it's probably Morbius's. Or
perhaps Dave Roy's dad's. Or a parallel universe Dave Roy. It says in the
Dave Roy Handbook that it's not Dave Roy. It was a joke, with various
members of radw dressed up to look like Dave Roy. Or perhaps they were
younger versions of Dave Roy. I mean, just because there's a line
*explaining* what's going on in completely unambiguous terms, it doesn't
mean that it's true ...

Lance Parkin (> 14/7/98


Brigadier Nathan Rogers wrote:
>In Battlefield, the Doctor pulls out his coin bag to pay the bartender
>for his drinks...

>Anyone got ideas on what that walking spider like "coin" was? :)

>I propose that it is the Mondas equivalent of a $100,000 bill

.....adopted after cutting-edge research linked the original $100,000
denomination (a 5kg nugget of pure gold) with respiratory problems.

Danny Gooley 15/7/98


[Subject:  Re: Favourite Bloopers]

Matt Killeen wrote:
>One that comes to mind isnt really a blooper, but an incredibly
>cheap effect that destroys the tension of the scene... at the end of
>'Logopolis' when the Doctor is out on the ledge of radio telescope,
>the Master can be seen 'looking' back at him in the background. The
>Master never blinks and never moves... its a damn photo!

That's because JNT felt that for this scene they needed something with
more gravity and acting ability than Ainley.

Marcus Durham (> 15/7/98


[Subject: Re: Is Fey a lesbian?]

JohnH10337 wrote:
>   though it's very refreshing to see a two-fisted companion on
>   board the TARDIS

Posts in Dire Need of Re-phrasing #761

Rob Stradling (> 15/7/98


Sam Nelson (> wrote:
>So?  If "PotS" takes place in the present, the Metebelis III sequence in
>"The Green Death" must take place in the distant past.  The Doctor took
>the crystal across time when he brought it to the present.

        This really makes me wonder why the Doctor was so hot to visit
Metabilis III in the first place.  In the distant past it had huge
creatures that attacked you and then later it's got giant spiders who will
turn you into their slave.
        You've really got to give those Metabilian marketing guys some
real credit for making this planet sound like an ideallic vacation spot.

Michael Hickerson (> 16/7/98


Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote:
>>I'm definitely going to have to revise that statement... if you tried to
>>collect intelligence on radw, you'd be searching for a *looong* time...

Koschei wrote:
>I can just imagine one collecting it from each lurker and poster, a few
>drops here, a few drops there, all to fix a problem with one's chemically
>imbalanced aliens... only to have two school chums show up on your
>doorstop and mess about.  Bother.

But can you imagine what would happen if someone did collect the
intelligence of RADW from its posters! Why there would be posters who
would refuse to admit to misspelling a word, long arguments about
continuity, ascribing motives to large groups as if they had a monolithic
group mind, vitrol would be rampant, humour would be low, and...

...and its already happened hasn't it?

Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> 17/7/98


Benjamin F. Elliott (> wrote:

>Ok, I'd like my hamburger (Who novel) well done (well-written and no
>typos). Hold the onions (offensive language), mayonnaise (illicit sex),
>mustard (the concept that every church that isn't related to Saul is run
>by either crackpots or villians), tomatoes (killing off an old
>companion), ketchup ("the Doctor is a creep" concept), and pickles
>(altering the name of a character in the TV series to be "politically
>correct"). You can leave the lettuce (references to other TV episodes and

>In case you haven't guessed, I prefer the taste of the hamburger itself
>to the attempts to dress it up. Maybe that's why I like Who more then

But plenty of TV and book 'Who' has none of that dressing, and still
leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. I even sent 'The Eight Doctors' back,
and complained to the maitre'd. Onions and mayonnaise make no great
difference to the flavour, but do add a little spice. Mustard is very
neccessary (I know the books should be as different to the series as
possible - but this is one idea that I have no trouble seeing carried over
from TV to book), and while I hate tomatoes there are times when they seem
neccessary to make the meal fuller and more dangerous. Ketchup has had
it's day, and it was the best ever while it lasted, but its daddies from
now on. And I can only think of one meal on the menu with pickles. The
lettuce is flim-flammery which tends to get in the way, but can provide
an interesting crunch at times (thoroughly unneccessary, but there are
times when you want a bit, and the right kind of lettuce does improve the

Gregg Smith (> 18/7/98


(Re: pronouncing Anghelides>

Gary Russell wrote:

My surname is pronounced: "Hiz-bukiz-vanta-stik". Please remember this
if you ever introduce me at a convention: "This is Peter Anghelides".

Peter Anghelides (> 18/7/98


[Subject: Re: Fan Video Companion] wrote:
>>> Due to a line we want to put in (having to do with Ace) the nickname
>>> needs to have a playing card motif. We can't think of anything decent.
>>> Any thoughts?

>>Perhaps something off a tarot card, then you would have more choice. I
>>don't know any tarot cards so i can't help there.

Mark Phippen wrote:
>How about 'Death'.

>Now that'd be an interesting companion!


"You can stop all that clattering for a start. It's
a bit hard to sneak up on the E'villa!n missile
control centre with you playing 'Dem Bones' through
the corridors."


Erin Tumilty (> 19/7/98


[Subject: Re: Time's Champion]

Matthew Wolff wrote:
>The Doctor has always worked on the side of Time, but I don't
>think he was working for time at this point, unless there is
>evidense that I'm missing....

The Doctor was always working for time, but the seventh Doctor was
working for time and a half, plus medical, dental, and a 401K plan. :)

Andrew Kaplan (> 19/7/98


[Subject: Re: Reward for MISSING EPISODES!!!]

Waxvax (> wrote:
>Things are always found by people where they least expect it! Why?
>Because the person may not be a fan and may not know what he has!

SECRETARY: Cardinal Fang to see you, your Holiness.

POPE JOHN-PAUL II: Ah, you are welcome, Fang.

FANG: I am honoured by your audience.  But what is this weirdly
oversized drinks coaster you offer me, stamped "Property of the BBC
-- On Loan To Vatican TV, 1971"?

POPE: Cardinal Valeyard, keeper of the archives, has been baffled
by it for decades, my son. The strange words "Galaxy Four" were
our only clue. Some of the Jesuits have argued that this is half
of a football score, "Galaxy Four, Intergalactic Medium Wanderers
Nil". But I have had them excommunicated. And then the liberals,
ah, the liberal clergy say it is advertising, "Galaxy! For all your
chocolate bar needs". It is a most holy mystery. In South America,
the peasants believe it to be the original powder-puff and mirror
kit of St Theresa of Avila.

FANG (crossing himself): But... holy Father, it opens!

POPE: That is another most impenetrable mystery.  Within the
silver casket is a painting, one inch wide and three miles long.
The artist has chosen to use only shades of black, and instead
of canvas the medium is some strange form of acetate.  We believe
he was some kind of minimalist.  See how in the first few box-
designs, an oblong structure is gradually introduced into a
repeated landscape design, with a white dot sometimes painted
in at its top.  Cardinal Ximenes's theory is that this strange
codex is an almanac of the phases of the planet Venus, while
Cardinal Borusa holds that it is an allegorical washing-line
upon which sinful garments are to be hung.

FANG: Yet, these sprocket holes... it's almost as if it was
designed to be wound on to a spool and run through a machine
of some sort...

POPE: You don't mean...?

FANG: Yes!  Holy Father, we are holding in our hands the actual
bungee-jumping-cord of St Jerome of Antioch!

Graham Nelson (> 19/7/98


Ed Stradling wrote:
> Diced Carrott - pah! Sarah Sutton signed my *dick* in 1992!

I'm just imagining the fan auction...

"And now we have, signed by Sarah Sutton, the male member of a Doctor Who
fan. Like a penis but smaller, the object is in perfect condition.
Hardly used.  Do I hear fifty pee?"

Finn Clark (> 20/7/98


Cliff Bowman (> wrote:
>Sadly (fortunately?) there are plenty of occasions where there is a
>distinct need to resort to violence to counter violence.

>After all, how else should one defeat a Sontaran battle fleet - bad

The potato-headed alien glared out from the screen. "This is Admiral
Skrag of the Sontaran Empire. Make peace with your gods, and we shall
blow you out of space."

The tactical sensors showed a massive fleet approaching, and the human
ship was waaayyyy outgunned. But the Captain had a more effective

"Like fuck you could blow us out of space-"

Skrag blinked. "What?"

"What, are you fucking deaf as well ugly, shit-head? You heard me, you
prickless clone-of-a-bitch; you lumpy gits couldn't hit an elephant's
arse if you were tied to its tail!"

Skrag's beady red eyes widened. "How dare you speak to us like that?
This is a family war."

"So? You think I give a fuck?"

Skrag blood pressure rose sky-high. "I'm warning you, weakling humans,
that if you don't stop these obscenities, we will be forced to take
our battle to a defenceless planet more suitable for the newly-hatched

"Oh, I fucking bet you would, you chickenshit bastard. Come and have a
go if you think you're hard enough!"

"Right, that's it. If you're going to talk like that, no-one will want
to play war with you."

"Oh piss off"

With a flicker of pseudomotion, the Sontaran fleet vanished back into
hyperspace. The Earth captain polished his fingernails on the front of
his tunic. "Works every time..."

Dangermouse (> 20/7/98


Waxvax wrote:
>When I was away in Illinois last year, I could have sworn I passed by a
>"Hartnell Used Cars" sign. Was I dreaming?

Was there a sign next to it saying "Troughton Sailed Boats"
and "Pertwee Rode Bikes"? Or "McGann Snogged Doctor"?

Peter Anghelides (> 21/7/98


Waxvax wrote:
>> When I was away in Illinois last year, I could have sworn I passed by a
>> "Hartnell Used Cars" sign. Was I dreaming?

Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>I'll have to cruise down Tegan Avenue one of these days and see if there
>is a Tegan Air Travel Agent, and as I recall Tegan street envetually
>intersects with Hartnell Way.

Actually, Tegan street never does intersect with Hartnell Way. You may be
thinking of where it meets Hurndall avenue, though the two look nothing

Mark Phippen (> 22/7/98


Steve O'Brien (> wrote:
>>I don't really care, but what do other people think of Dodo..?

Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>She was kinda bland, her nose was unfortunate,

Unluckier noses than Dodo's;

Magnus Greel's, which had rotted off.

Kalid's, which ran like a bastard.

Adric's which ended up splayed over Gondwanaland.

Jon Pertwee's, which was attached to Jon Pertwee.

Rob Stradling (> 23/7/98


[Subject: Re: Is the Doctor half human???]

Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>Yes and we should also recognise that this was a wacky regeneration.

FAT BLOKE gapes as the door is smashed out and THE DOCTOR emerges.

FAT BLOKE : My God !

THE DOCTOR : (Dramatic music plays and dramatic lighting, um, lights)
Hello. I was wonderining if you could help me with this survey.

FAT BLOKE : No..Oh No ! No !

THE DOCTOR : Oh go on. It's wacky. (suddenly seems tortured) WHO
ARRMMMM AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII ? (pause) Is it option 'A', a baby crocodile
raised on peach wine ? Option 'B'.....

Richard Jones (> 23/7/98


Robert D. Franks (> wrote:
>How about an interview with David and Steve when the TV Companion comes
>out? Let's see, when was the last time DWM interviewed any of the
>reference writers...?

You'd expect this sort of information to appear in one of their
book Appendixes, wouldn't you. "Appendix F: Published interviews
with authors of this book". Followed by "Appendix G: Recursion (see
Appendix E".

Peter Anghelides (> 26/7/98


John Dantzler (> wrote:
>>Was there ever any mention of Doctor Who's family besides Doctor Who's
>>granddaughter Susan who travelled with Hartnell's Who?

Jonathan Blum wrote:
>A quick mention of his uncle in "Time and the Rani".  :-)

And an Aunt is frequently mentioned by the second Doctor  :)

Daniel Frankham (> 27/7/98


Keith Fletcher wrote:

> In LungBarrow , we are introduced to his family and his home. We also
> learn his name.
> Keith Fletcher.

The Doctor is named Keith Fletcher? Bet *you* were surprised!

(> 29/7/98


Nick Lancaster (> wrote:
>Speaking of Hummer, what's the Doctor trying to do on the cover?

The funky chicken.

Jonathan Dennis (> 29/7/98


Mike Sivier wrote:
>>Oh yes, Craig is watching. I've discovered... :)

Susannah Tiller
>Cool. Makes me wonder who else is out there and watching....

   No one would have believed in the last years of the twentieth century
that this newsgroup was being watched keenly and closely by intelligences
greater than the OrmanBlum gestalt's and yet as mortal as our own; that as
radwers busied themselves about their various concerns they were
scrutinised and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a showman with a
Miniscope might scrutinise the transient Drashigs that swarm and multiply
in a miniturised swamp.  With infinite complacency posters went to and fro
over this group about their little affairs, serene in their assurance of
their empire over the subject matter.  It is a pretty good bet that the
dragon-worm infusoria within the miniscope do the same.  No one gave a
thought to the older worlds of sci-fi television Usenet discussion as
sources of radw danger, or thought of them only to dismiss the idea of
intelligence upon them as impossible or improbable.

It is curious to recall some of the mental habits of those departed days.
At most radw posters fancied there might be other intelligences in, perhaps inferior to themselves and ready to welcome a
missionary enterprise.  Yet across the gulf of the WWW, minds that are to
our minds as the Doctor's is to that of Jo Grant, intellects vast and cool
and unsympathetic, regarded this newsgroup with envious eyes, and slowly
and surely drew their plans against us.  And early in the twenty-first
century came the great disillusionment.

(excerpt from 'War of the Newsgroups',
    Book One: 'The Coming of the Mensans')

Daniel Gooley (> 29/7/98


Charles Daniels wrote:
>AHahah yeah..mmm...maybe I can convince Eric Saward to write a short
>saying the Master is not really Gallifreyian but just kick ass dude from
>Liverpool...maybe that will sway people.

Fucking hell, that *is* scary. The Master is actually a robbing bastard
scally scouser, who roams Church Street trying to get money out of
students so that he can fund his intense sherry habit. A confrontation
with Paul McGann would be awesome:

Master: "Ay, la. Wha' 'appened to yer accent, like?"
Doctor: "You don't understand. I am more than just a Liverpudlian."
Master: "Oh aye, kidder. Well just because you've gone all la de fuckin'
da doesn't mean I'm not gonna kick your fucking head in if youse don't
give me the rest of your friggin' regenerations." [brandishes broken
Doctor: [crapping himself] "Oh, er... dey do dough, don't de dough! Gi's a
clue Billy..." [Runs away very fast]
Master: "I dunno where youse is running to, pal. I've nicked the wheels
off yer TARDIS."

Cartman (> 30/7/98


Charles Daniels (> writes:
>>>And to bring up the messagre I was just on I don't buy this
>>>"grandfather" thing as a term of affection cause over the next thousand
>>>years the Doctor meets many more young women and yet this phrase never
>>>comes up again. ;)

Eng6gcgs (> wrote:
>>But none of them claimed to be his grandaughter when he first met them,
>>did they?

Charles Daniels wrote:
>No but maybe he would start it.

"Hello, Liz."
"Hello, Doctor."
"No, I've decided, I want you to call me 'Grandfather' instead."
"But why?"
"Erm, well... It turns me on, okay?"

Sean Corcoran (> 31/7/98


I just read a good book that other people here might like.

It's called Legacy of the Daleks, and it's by a guy called John Peel.

>From its stark opening through classy paragraphs like

    "The Daleks had been reborn.
    Their stubby metal guns spat death..."

this book is just a great page turner and I loved it to bits.

I won't spoil it here for you in case you want to read it, but it features
the third or fourth Doctor - the one with the white hair anyway and
although the physical description doesn't make this clear, the author
conveys the mannerisms of my favorite Doctor from the sixties perfectly.

Oh, and the villain is cool too.  He has a shrinking ray that he can use
on Daleks.

I'm not a bg fan of the show - it doesn't air much in Germany - but I
liked this book.

And the author is very good.  Like me, I suspect that English is not his
first language and yet he manages very well.

Can anyone recommend any other books I can try to read?

(> 31/7/98


[Subject: Re: "imperial" Daleks]

Mike Teague (> wrote:
>A bit like imperial mints, but larger and not so good
>for the digestion.

And of course locked into perpetual war with the metric Daleks,
who are fractionally taller.

Graham Nelson (> 1/8/98


[Subject: Personal Canon]

A Canon Debate Programme, Episode 12

Announcer: Hello and welcome to the 12th in a series of programmes
           that looks into what individual fan considers canon for
           the Doctor Who Universe.  Over the last dozen programmes
           we've heard agruments for and against the MAs, NAs, BBC Books,
           Comics, and even the original Television Series which ran
           from 1963 to 1989.  Today's guest, a Mr. Charles Daniels from
           California, brings us his own definition of canon for
           review by his fandom peers, in what will certainly be a
           topic of interest to perhaps one or two other people in
           the entire world, hello Charles.

Charles: Hi Mike!

Announcer: Please call me Mr. Announcer.

Charles: Right Mike-o.

Announcer: Now Charles why not tell the audience at home, many of them
           already bored to tears and skipping onto the next message,
           what precisely it is that you consider in your own personal

Charles: Well I have a very precise definition and yet a flexible one,
         basically I consider all erotic stories posted on the internet
         to be canon.

Announcer: I see..and when you say all erotic stories, you mean all
           Doctor Who based erotic literature?

Charles: Well, not necessarily, but it helps.

Announcer: I see, and I assume you mean these in addition to the actual
           television series?

Charles: Oh no, not at all, if it's not smut on the internet it hasn't
         got a chance, of course you know at times I am tempted by
         printed pornography about the series but you know I must
         maintain a certain set of standards.

Announcer: So how do you feel about the more controversial canon issues
           such as Shada?

Charles: Umm..what, I'm sorry, who gets laid in that one?

Announcer: No one I'm afraid, I am talking about the unbroadcast series
           17 season ender by Douglas Adams.

Charles: Ohh sorry, my mistake, yeah I thought you said Shagged'er.
         Anyway no that is too much like the tv series for me Mikerdooni.

Announcer: What about Longburrow?

Charles: Oh well course Longburrow is canon!  No debating that one.

Announcer: Really?  How surprising, what precisely places Longburrow in
           your official canon?

Charles: Oh well that's an easy one, I mean in this story the Doctor
         discovers he has a particularly long one and decides to burrow
         as deep as he possibly can with it into A--

Announcer: AHH! No actually!  I was talking about the New Adventure
           Longburrow which explored various aspects of the Doctor.

Charles: Well sorry that isn't my line at all.

Announcer: I see, well how exactly do you regard the original series,
           NAs, MAs, comics, and all that material?

Charles: I like to think of those things as sort of guesses or someone's
         personal theory about what the Doctor and his companions are
         doing when they aren't shagging each other's brains out.  I mean
         there's nothing WRONG with the material per se but I think
         people have lost sight of the actual issue.

Announcer: I see.  So where would you stand on Susan?

Charles: Well I'd stand anywhere I could on Susan.  Of course it
         would be a lot MORE confortable to be sort of laying down
         actually, I mean--

Announcer: No, no!  I mean is she the Doctor's biological granddaughter?

Charles: Oh yes of course, completely.

Announcer: And from where do you base this opinion?

Charles: Incest of a Time Lord, Chapter I: The Early Years.

Announcer: I'm sorry, i don't believe I'm familiar with that work.

Charles: Oh it's very interesting actually, you see we discover that
         the time lords are a race of intergalactic voyeurs who
         have been watching all of the Doctor's kinky adventures
         through time and space on a big screen tv.  So like they
         set up this whole court room with some cheesy music on
         a FM casio keyboard, and summon the Doctor there, a mere
         second before he was gunna have a go at Peri after getting
         a Sinead O'Conner look, and they basically show him various
         sexual encounters he's had through time and space that
         they've recorded in the matrix and they start bitching at
         him about all the things he's done wrong over the centuries.
         It sorta turns out the time lords are very choosy voyeurs
         and they like people to do everything in just the certain
         way that excites them, anyway the Doctor tries to use
         scenes to show that he is doing the right things sometimes
         and WILL improve in the future but someone's been altering
         the data to make him look like a complete dork in the bedroom.

Announcer: Right, well, thank you for that synopsis, but looking at the
           written material I WAS given to review before this programme
           started, and some of it which I have reviewed several times,
           I was just wondering if the lack of continuity disturbed
           you, for instance characters losing their virginity in
           various stories with various set ups via different people
           and inanimate objects, the same people being lesbians, or
           bi-sexual or xenosexual in different stories, or people being
           submissive or dominant radically from story to story?

Charles: Ahh..well as long as it's written well i don't give a toss

Announcer: Ah yes, the quality of writing, do you prefer the writing
           styles of any one particular author - Platt, Orman,
           Martin Day, John Lucarotti, Robert Holmes, Terrance Dicks,
           Gareth Roberts, Paul Leonard, Brian Hayles, Ben Aaronovitch,
           Dave Stone...any one particular writing style you find
           BEST suits Doctor Who canon as you invisage it?

Charles: Yes well as with any genre some writers will be better than
         others, I for one find notable authors in my canon to be
         Mistress Mel, TARDISLover, Peri069,,
         and Paul Leonard.

Announcer: Paul Leonard?  I wasn't aware he'd written any erotic
           Who literature.

Charles: Oh well, i guess that's just deabtable, most people think I've
         read too much into Venusian Lullaby where everyone's always
         eating everyone else constantly.

Announcer: Right...well I am guessing I won't get very far asking you
           about the lives before Hartnell.

Charles: Probably not, no.

Announcer: UNIT Dating?

Charles: Don't ask, don't tell.

Announcer: Yes, just what I expected.

Charles: Sorry to be so obvious.  Can I talk about the often rumored
         Tegan & Nyssa adventure by David A. McIntee?

Announcer: Not on a family newsgroup I'm afraid.

Charles; Is this a family newsgroup?

Announcer: Not anymore.

Charles: Right well that looks like I've done my job then, I'm off to
         read Zoe and the Daleks of Lusticon IV.

Announcer: Oh, I wouldn't if I were you, it's not very good.

Charles: Really??  I was looking forward to that.

Announcer: You'd do much better with "Victoria And The Ice Men"

Charles: Oh okay, thanks Mike.

Announcer: Mr. Announcer.

Charles: Oh yes, sorry Mikester, won't happen again.

Charles Daniels (> 3/8/98


Azaxyr (> wrote:
>I didn't recognize anything in Battlefield that was even remotely
>resembling a UNIT story.
>Certainly not a chubby Lethbridge-Stewart; certainly not the female
>Brigadier Bambera (the total unrealism of this I've explained in a
>previous thread); certainly not  an idiotic collection of foreigners
>pretending to be an able peace-keeping force who stand around and mope
>about things not going their way.
>Nope, nothing in Battlefield at all that reminded me of those excellent
>stories from the seventies.

Those excellent stories from the seventies, when UNIT consisted of about
five officers and twenty squaddies, ten of whom got killed every episode.
When UNIT, an international force had only British soldiers (lets face it,
nowhere else got invaded, the foreign troops might as well have mucked in
in Blighty). When the conventional army could (and did) arrest them on a
daily basis. When their top secret base had a bg sign outside announcing
their whereabouts.

Rob White (> 4/8/98


Daniel Ben-Zvi (> wrote:

>>BBC Books for 1999


>>March: Stripper! (Never have I known a gag title to take on such a life
>>of its own)

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote:
>Man, but I can't wait to read this story about the autons infesting cans
>of paint stripper!

That stuff is pure evil.

This could be the start of new monsters for Doctor Who... evil everyday

paint stripper
bandaids that don't peel off gently
lids that don't screw off easily
older brothers flicking elastic bands
the smell of animal fat cooking
dogs that chew slippers
people who cut the grass too early in the morning

These things must be stopped and the Doctor is the only one to do it!

Richard Prekodravac (> 4/8/98


>The three kisses that the McGann Doctor has with Grace are (if not the
>least romantic, then) the least lustful I have ever seen in my entire

>In fact, they remind me far more of the "peck on the cheek from the
>visiting Aunt Claude" than a melt-in-your-arms type affair.

There's an article in DWM that says almost exactly the same thing ...
all I can say is that fandom must have some rather liberal aunties.

Lance Parkin (> 6/8/98


Gary Russell wrote:
>Dramatic tension. Andy had done a similar thing for us
>with Audio Visuals where in his play, we created a new
>companion who died the moment they said "Yes" and
>walked into he TARDIS. It's nice to do something unexpected.

COMPANION - I'll travel with you, Doctor!
DOCTOR - If you're sure?  I mean, with your heart condition and
COMPANION - It's been my life's ambition to see the universe.
DOCTOR - Fair enough.  Let's go.
COMPANION - Where's the TARDIS, then?
DOCTOR - Over there.
COMPANION - I don't see it.
DOCTOR - I fixed the chameleon circuit.  The giant killer cactus with
rotating spines.
COMPANION - Oh, there.  Righty-ho.
DOCTOR - No, wait!  I haven't...


DOCTOR - ...unlocked the door...

Finn Clark (> 7/8/98


>>Andy said he "always" planned for her to get killed -- he wanted Chris
>>do it!

Corey Klemow (> wrote:
>=raised eyebrow=

>What was the idea -- that Roz would become more and more of a xenophobe,
>instead of less so, and Chris would eventually be placed in a position
>where he has to kill her before she kills some innocent alien?

'Roz advanced on the Doctor, gibbering and foaming at the mouth:
   "All *aliens* must die. All aliens *must* die. *All* aliens must die.
All aliens must *die*."
 "Roz," the Doctor squirmed, "what has come over you?"
 "Chris. I see it now. His stupid optimism, his naive belief that everyone
is probably nice and good and should be trated that way until they stick a
fucking dagger in your back. It's all an alien plot. You've all been
poisoning us, trying to turn us into your slaves. But I see it now, I see
it all. You're all in it. I can tell. And I know that now that I know, and
you know I know, nowhere is safe, you'll all be trying to stop me. Infamy,
infamy, you've all..." the impact from the flenser gun sent Roz sprawling
across the console and onto the floor in a pool of her own blood.
 "Rabid xenophobia I can take," said Chris, darkly. "But I will not have
people making bad puns. And she never could get my name right."
 "A Roz by any other name..." the Doctor began, but fell silent when Chris
turned towards him.'

Gregg Smith (> 8/8/98


Paul 'Ozymandias' Harman (> wrote:
>>Do you remember when you were a little child, your parents introduced
>>your next door neighbours as "Uncle Bob and Auntie Jackie"?

>>Perhaps Susan calls the Doctor "Grandfather" for those sorts of reasons.

Witold Tietze wrote:
>I can see it now -- "Uncle Thete", she said, adopting that cockney,
>Drax-esque voice he so hated.

An Excerpt from my nascent pre-TV-series BBC PDA, _An
Out-of-This-World Babe_:

"I don't know what you see in this dreadful little planet, honeybuns,
but if this is where you want to stay, then this is where we'll stay,"
said the crotchy old man.

His companion ran a hand through the man's long white hair. "They have
such fab schools here, baby," she said. "The kids don't know shit, so
I get to feel ever so smart. My ego has never been so thoroughly
massaged. And the music is, like, groovy."

"Hmmmm... Well, if we're going to stay here, there's one thing we'll
need to get straight, peachy-cheeks. These primitive humans won't
understand our relationship: to them you look like a teenager, and I
look like an old man."

The girl laughed. "They are very silly, aren't they."

"So, it's very important that, whenever there's a human being around,
you just call me 'Grandfather', understood?"

Daniel Frankham (> 8/8/98


 - Robert Smith?

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