1996 Quotefile - the best of the year so far

It's true, it's here. The cream of rec.arts.drwho, the 1996 edition. For an absolutely crammed, bobbins, totally comprehensive quote file, mail me and I'll send it along (it is HUGE).

For now though, here's what you busy people have been up to in 1996:

Uncle Halibut III, Richard Salter

What follows is a collection of 1996's best quotes from the newsgroup rec.arts.drwho. This list will be updated periodically when I have enough new quotes to justify uploading it. If you spot any good quotes on the newsgroup, mail them to me at etlrdsr@etlxdmx.ericsson.se and I'll include them. Please include the AUTHOR, DATE and E-MAIL ADDRESS of the posting in your submission.

The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - 1996 edition
Compiled by Richard "Uncle Halibut" Salter and Christopher D. Heer
Ranging from: 1st January 1996 - 19th March 1996
Last updated: 22nd March 1996

>Oh, I don't know - if you gave a hundred Yadses a hundred keyboards...

Then you'd better make damn sure they didn't all get net access.

-- Jonathan Blum (jblum@access.digex.net), January 1, 1996

>Could someone please tell me everything they know about the word TARDIS?

It's all caps. No letter is used more than once. It isn't the same spelled backward as forwards. Falls after the "S"s in alphabetical order.

-- Elsa Frohman (elsaf@usa.pipeline.com), January 2, 1996

> And, for those of you of a British persuasion, isn't it strange that
>now Bob Baker is writing the Wallace And Grommit movies, he immediately
>introduces a robot dog?

He wrote the previous Wallace and Gromit film "The Wrong Trousers" (academy award winning animation), and that didn't feature a robot dog, so "immediately" is a bit unfair. Mind you, that did feature a pair of mechanical trousers remote-controlled by a guy in a penguin suit, so I suppose you could accuse him of a half-hearted attempt to rip-off "Planet of Fire".

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 3, 1996

[on the subject of best looking companion]

It's got to be Kamelion, hasn't it?

-- Richard Atkinson (r.j.atkinson@durham.ac.uk), January 4, 1996

>Hi all, I'm modelling the inside of the tardis in a 3d rendering package.
>So far I've been using "The Doctor Who Technical Manual" as a reference.
>Its missing many dimensions and isn't terribly accurate either.

Grayden, apparently the most accurate TARDIS figures you can get are obtained by standing a teenager in pyjamas on a library stool and getting him to shout out the dimensions as taken from a tape measure marked in inches. Hope this helps.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 4, 1996

[on the subject of yads and his web page]

Web pages are like butts. Everybody's got one but not everyone wants to see yours.

-- Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com), January 4, 1996

Yads wrote:

>And they all become assimilated.

>They all denounce homosexuality, commercialized culture and Republicanism.

>The British attendees are all saying vote Liberal Democrat and
>God Save the Queen.
[et cetera et cetera, yadda yadda yadallee, snipped]

And the camera pulls back from Dave standing amidst his bucolic snow- covered Edmonton scene, surrounded by his adoring throngs... to reveal that it's all inside one of those little glass paperweights filled with floating snow, sitting on Laura and Eric's desk.

The assembled throng of r.a.dw'ers stand around it, fascinated.

"You really think it was the right thing to do, trapping Yaddy in that microscopic fantasy dimension?" asks Laura.

"Well, I figured it was the perfect place for him," says Eric. "It's a world which completely bends to his will, with no connection to our reality whatsoever. He should be completely happy there."

"That's just it," says some punt drunk. "Who wants Yads to be happy?"

Carrie puts on her best companion voice. "So at the moment he walked in the door, before he dropped that flask or anything, he was zapped into a fantasy world?"

"Oh, he was there lonnnnnnnng before that," throws in Heer.

Jason picks up the paperweight and shakes it, sending the snow flying. "Who knows... in a world full of people who all think exactly like him, with no dissention tolerated... Yaddy might actually get a date."

They all pause, considering this.


Eric starts herding people out of the room. "C'mon, folks, let's get back to the New Year's party. I hear Kate and Jon might actually make it this time." Jason tosses the paperweight to Graeme as they all walk, stumble, and/or slouch out of the room, back to some serious revelry.

Only Graeme is left in the room, holding the paperweight high. He looks deep into it, whispers "Roooosebuuuuuuud" in a quiet rasp... and lets it crash to the floor.

-- Jonathan Blum (jblum@access.digex.net), January 4, 1996

> IMHO, the BBC should kick out Mr Segal (and I presume they retain the
> power to do that, and just make Dr Who as a 25 minute serial format,
> BRITISH production! THEN worry about selling it to the US. US
> posters don't see all the crap we get on the BBC, so can't appreciate
> that the BBC wastes tons of money which it could spend on DW. I'm
> sorry, but a US influence will compromise the style of DW. You only
> have to look at UK GLADIATORS to see that you can't copy US to UK or
> vice versa.

My resolution for this year is to get the acronym YAVSMAINGTTTY ("you're a very silly man and I'm not going to talk to you") accepted as part of usenet argot.

-- Andrew Rilestone (andrew@aslan.demon.co.uk), January 8, 1996

[arrival at the rec.arts.drwho new year's party]

Sorry I'm late. I was waiting for my costume to arrive. I had hoped to be able to tell you I was coming, but things got a bit held up. At one stage, I thought that either Sting or David Bowie had got hold of my ticket. Anyway, I'm here now. My name's Paul McGann, by the way.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 10, 1996

[on the subject of best looking companion]

I go for classical beauty myself. The Egyptians believed that costume jewellery made people more gorgeous. So shiny objects moving near to the face made a person's appearance appear stiller, smoother, more composed. I go for strong features, high cheekbones, someone who looks calm and in control all the time. That's what makes K-9 special for me.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 10, 1996

>Roy Stewart, the actor who
>played Toberman in ``Tomb'', played a similar silent, strongman character
>named Toby in ``Terror''!
>Does anyone know of other Doctor Who stories that had Roy Stewart in?
>Has he ever been at a Who con?

He went to an early PanoptiCon, but hasn't appeared at a subsequent one because all they asked him to do at his first con was lug the props around and keep quiet.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 11, 1996

>I don't care who they cast but the Master isn't the Master unless he
>has an evil beard.

Indeed, I couldn't agree more. Few people realise that the reason the Ainley Master doesn't hypnotise people as often is that his evil beard has to struggle harder to stay on and so can't summon up the extra concentration necessary to subdue the mind of the hapless companion. Without the will of the evil beard the Master would just be a big pussycat.

-- Gavin Greig (ggreig@mcs.dundee.ac.uk), January 18, 1996

The A - Z of Rock 'n' Roll

ACE: File under "Forgetable" and Forget.

ADRIC YOUTH: Loud and spotty, 80s wimp-rockers. Singer later disappeared up Edwyn Collins' arsehole. Split-up amid acrimony and headaches.

ALPHA FOUR (the): Minor chart-band c.1968. Unremarkable.

AUTONS (the): Authentic 70s chart-act with a "thing" about cling-film. Made a couple of classics and left a big impression. 80s comeback often rumoured.

AZTECS (the): Seminal "sound-of-young-Mexico", 1964. Dominated by religious beliefs. Floundered when historical bands became fleetingly unfashionable. Popular with the intellectual audience, a bore to others.

BALAZAAR AND MERDEEN: Mid-80s synth duo whose dour lyrics made them popular with the indie crowd and an easy target for the music press.

BANNERMEN (the): Abrasive, esoteric third generation Merseybeat group.

BIRDLAND: Bwah-hah-hah... Err, sorry.

BLOR: Since when did Chelmsford get a "SW" post code then?

BRAIN OF MORBIUS (the): Apocalyptic Welsh Heavy-Metal band.

BRIGADIER PIGEON: One-hit wonders from 1972. You must remember 'Moudly Old Doris' surely?

KATE BUSH: She wrote "Kinda", eh Paul? Might possibly have played a tree. That's about the size of talent involved. Next...

CASTELLAN: Britpop influenced La's spin-off. From Liverpool, which presumably means they're all 'lads' with a criminal record (and I'm not talking about 'The Chicken Song' either)

Chesterton: Third Division Britpop combo. Not even funny.

CLASH (the): I bought a pair of 501's once. Sold your soul to any decent multi-nationals recently Joe?

C.V.E: Unlistenable pomp-rock dinosaurs formed by rich hippies with more bank accounts than brain cells. Have about as much relevance to music in the 90s as Petula Clark.

D-84-MOB: Ridiculous "sen-sational" acid house beat merchants for the white handbag and stilletoes brigade. Like Betty Boo, but worse!

DALEKS (the): Most influential and ground-breaking musical and cultural force of the last three decades. Formed in 1963, blah, blah, zzzzzz...

DEATH ZONE: Industrial-grunge-thrash-noise band. Quite tuneful actually.

DEF LETHBRIDGE: Laughable though it be, I admire any band who saw their drummers arm off "for a laugh". Of course, they're utter conservatives. Bad Tax-Exiles Livin' Outside the Law.

DIRE STRAITS OF DECAY: Who buys this stuff? I'll tell you who. People in cagouls with two children named Jake and Rosayln, who get orgasmic at the thought of vampire lust and really dig that guy off the Cadbury's chocolate cream advert who's full of monosodiumglutomate. That's who.

DOCTOR WHO AND THE SILURIANS: West-country folk band. Not very funny.

DRASHIGS (the): Unremarkable soul group from London in the 70s. Sampled to hell as 'rare groove' a decade later. Wore Oxford-Bags with 24 inch flares, 'star jumpers' and hai-karate aftershave

DUGGAN'S TRENCHCOAT: First of the late 70s Manchester doom-bands, with a strong set of songs about walking around in the rain after losing your girlfriend. Great in small doses but don't overdo it.

ELDRED LIGHT ORCHESTRA: Dreadful 70s farts. Ram a cello up their wrectum for having the cheek to go on for so bloody long.

EXTREME PEX TERROR: Shambling thrash-metal 3-piece from some anonymous Northern provincial town.

FACELESS ONES (the): Respected mid-60s r'n'b outfit.

FANG ROCK: 70s pub-rockers. Good songs, bad hair and threads, no hits.

FLEETWOOD MACRA: Popular LA rockers with a couple of crabs as singers. Contain a record number of ex-members currently in institutions for the Terminally Bewildered.

FUNKADALEK: Freaky, groovy, funky... Responsible, indirectly for Acid Jazz and Jungle. Kill 'em all now!

GOODBYE MR McCRIMMON: Edinburgh 6-piece. Songs about taking a soldier round the rear.

ELVIS GORDON-JAGO: Singer/songwriter. The 'angry young man' of '77. Later became a legend in his own lifetime. Currently married to 'her out of The Pogues' and writing with McCartney. Sad.

GRAVITRONS (the): Motown vocal-group. Makers of legendary pop singles ch New York intelligencia punk band.

T-MAT EXPLODES (the): Formed by Jules, Dave and Gazza during a weird acid trip in the two hours waiting for somebody to fly them to the moon.

T-REXMAS: Marc Bolan was on the radio y'know? And the tree... And the dasboard... And halfway up the M4... Yes, the old ones are *always* the best...

TEGAN: Australian Roxy Music rip offs. Better than INXS.

THEY MIGHT BE IN LAND OF THE GIANTS: Zany Stateside outfit, 60s based, a lot of their material ended up in Disney studio's and down the plughole. Nice flares though.

TRAVELLING CHUMBLIES (the): Ultimate in bad-taste supergroups. Formed because Dylan had run out of cocaine money and Harrison's last three films had flopped. Interesting to speculate on the Big 'O's motives (a decent funeral perhaps?) Accountants may be able to justify such excess but anyone under 30 who buys these records deserves the contempt of their generation.

TRANSDIMENTIONAL VAMP: According to Cornell in 1987 they were the most important new thing to happen to the British pop sense in a decade. Really!


TWINS: Romulus and Remus Goss have had their 15 minutes and now face the debts of fourteen grand a week.

ULTIMA MACHINE: Italian House superstars in the 80s.

VELVET UNDERWORLD: New York weirdo's formed when asteroids attached themselves to the snots of Lou Reed and John Cale. Influential with anyone who likes black clothes, loud songs and banana's. Sterling Morrison left in 1970 to form the Jesus and Mary Chain.

WHO (the): Formed in 1963 by Syd (the Kid) Newman, Wavey-Dave Whittaker, Bad Billy Hartnell and Verity Lambert (the boring one)...

X4-TC: From Swindon, which pretty much sums them up.

YO-MASTER BASSHEAD AND THE PSYCHIC CIRCUS: Boring gimme-a-gun- somebody, serious-sexy cat with a MASSIVE codpiece. Unique for being the only artist to rhyme 'I live in da ghetto, an' ah'm angry' with 'so why dontcha lick my love-pump honey-chile...'

ZOE: Unlistenable techno babbleheads.

ZOG: Ex-King of Albania, an absolute stinker (see also Topping, Keith)

-- Keith Topping (keith@tooon.demon.co.uk), January 18, 1996

>And, to get the ball rolling: "The Mutants". I don't like it. Wooden
>acting on every count, awful incidental music, rotten direction from
>Chris Barry, who just isn't that good in color. Dave's ball.

What do you mean "in colour" ? All seven episodes of "The Mutants" were made in Black and White! And shouldn't Richard Martin share the blame - he directed some of the episodes as well as Chris Barry!

-- Dave Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), January 19, 1996

> I can't quite remember if I liked the story "The Seeds of
>Doom" with Tom Baker. Was it a quality story?

I can't quite work out:
(a) Have you lost your short term memory? (In which case, you would prefer "Terminus".)
(b) Do you prefer to have other people control your thoughts and actions? (In which case, you would prefer "The Pirate Planet".)
(c) Do you wish to invite flames from "Seeds" fans? (In which case, you would prefer "Planet of Fire".)

Hope this helps.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 19, 1996

>>Considering that your own Sir Francis Drake sailed
>>into San Francisco Bay, that's about as much "history" as our
>>post-Columbian continent could possibly have.

>Our continent came into existence after Columbus? Oh, you mean we just
>*think* it did. I do keep hearing rumors of something called "native
>Americans," who presumably have a vast and rich history of there own, but
>I suppose they don't count. . .

I'm sorry, but, despite a valiant effort, your post has failed to veer off the point sufficiently to meet Deel standards.

Please make an effort to be less relevant in the future.


Brigadier Sir Arthur Charles Deel (Mrs.)

-- Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com), January 19, 1996

>In The Three Doctors, the Time Lords had to use Pertwee in the 1970's
>because as far as they were concerned (ie: in Gallifrey time) Pertwee was
>the Doctor. The future incarnations didn't exist.

Then again, there's always the revivalist theory. That is, the Time Lords can only contact the incarnation of the Doctor living in the time that Gallifrey is currently enjoying a revival of.

In this way, the Three Doctors *had* to use Pertwee's Doctor, because their flared robes meant they could only reach him during the 1970s. Similarly, Arc of Infinity had to use Davison's Doctor, because only he and his 1980s companions would fit in with their multi-coloured robes, art deco sets and pointless backgrounds.

It's only with the thought of the 1990s Time Lords sitting around in Lycra bike pants that this theory becomes truly scary.

-- Robert Smith? (g9526329@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA), January 18, 1996

>Pardon my ignorance, but it's been stated that the new Master and
>companion are going to be one shots. What does this mean?

It means that they can be killed with one rifle round. Unlike, say, Bok, who is a five-shot.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 22, 1996

>Look, Yaddo-Eric Roberts is the Master. Full stop. Neither you nor me
>nor the Ghost of Robert Homes can stop that now. Live with it. Segal's
>mind is made up and there's no way he's gonna change it this late in the

Oh, don't mind Dave, he's just acting Ainley-retentive again...

-- Jonathan Blum (jblum@access.digex.net), January 25, 1996

>I have so far managed to collect quite a few Dr Who novelisations and
>script books etc and have always befor slotted the adventures in in a
>place chronalogical with the Doctor. How do I do this with these which
>(and I may be wrong wrt K9+co) do not feature any incarnation of the

The only sensible solution is to put them on a separate shelf. This shelf should intersect the Doctor Who shelf at The Five Doctors, at an angle of precisely 90 degrees (or 45 degrees if you don't regard them as canon).

-- Paul Rhodes (paul.rhodes@liffe.com), January 26, 1996

>>I need to create my own version of hell for a college class, and I decided
>>to use Doctor Who as a model. What I came up with as the personification
>>of evil was the Gods of Ragnarok. These Gods will rule hell, with the
>Sorry about asking the obvious question, but: "What happened to the
>Black Guardian?"

The blood-chilling effect of Evil staring you down in a dark alley is somewhat lessened when Evil's hat starts quacking.

-- Jason A. Miller (jmiller6@uoft02.utoledo.edu), January 28, 1996

[On the subject of Adric's death, JoeyLemur says:]
> I never said that the Doctor would be going back to save him. I'm just
> merely suggesting that he survived the crash... maybe the freighter
> explosion cause some kind of tear in the STC, sucking him through, or
> something...

Hmm... how about this for a plot hole - err, device :-) :

Adric is split into twelve segments scattered throughout time. Each piece leads its own, independent existence, totally unaware of the others, and each is a complete moron. The segment which landed in the later half of the 20th century is known as "Jeremy" :-)

-- Steve Leahy (Steve.Leahy@anu.edu.au), 31st January 1996

Gregg T. Allinson wrote:
>> And now why would the Doctor go around dressed in Victoria outfits?:)

Andrew McCaffrey:
>It's a Secret.

Strong enough for a man. . . but made for a Time Lord.

-- Chris D. Heer (cheer@eskimo.com), 31st January 1996


I seem to have misunderstood the purpose of this post. Can anyone help? I'm looking for a pupil of Coal Hill School, who disappeared in November. The police believe that two teachers, who have also gone missing, may be linked to the disappearance in some way.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 31st January 1996

Grant Watson (nzone@iinet.net.au) wrote:
> marcus durham wrote:
> >K9 is a pile of crap. :) :) :) :) :)
> I second this motion. >:-)

I turd it.

-- Andrew McCaffrey (fenric@clark.net), 31st January 1996

Subject: The new telemovie.

Brett O'Callaghan (boc@lin.cbl.com.au) wrote:
> >With a British producer, writer, director, and star, yeah, I can
> >see how you'd think that.
> Q: What is its primary market?

Oh, of *course*! It doesn't matter what the producer, writer, director and star do, as soon as an American views it, the celluoid will twist in upon itself and reform from a startlingly good peice of drama to a 3.5 hour long advertisement for U.S. Savings Bonds.

Andrew McCaffrey (fenric@clark.net), 1st February 1996

Dave the Dave wrote:
>Canada's Head of State is Queen Elizabeth II of Canada, God Save the Queen.
>USA's Head of State is a disciple of Satan, and so are ALL presidents
>which are heads of states!

I nominate David Yadallee for President of rec.arts.drwho.

-- E. Larry Lidz (ellidz@midway.uchicago.edu), 1st February 1996

Date: 1 Feb 1996 16:17:47 GMT
From: Peter Anghelides [anghelides@vnet.ibm.com]
Newgroups: rec.arts.drwho
Subject: Re: Katy Manning pic...yes THAT pic.....

alden@bates.wn.planet.gen.nz (Alden Bates) writes:
>Ian McIntire (imm@pop.cwru.edu) writes:
>>It's a little known fact that Mr. Bates was actually the Dalek that Ms.
>>Manning posed with. The photographer originally asked Alden to appear
>>naked as well, but cooler heads prevailed. Thankfully.
>Well, I _could_ have appeared naked, however you wouldn't have seen
>much past the Dalek shell... Besides, they weren't paying me
>enough as it is.
>Alden Bates. (Who was aged 4 at the time.)

So, not Mr Bates after all but, more appropriately, Master Bates.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 1st February 1996

I wonder if all Time Lords have fun little monikers, like net aliases:  
  Theta Sigma  - The Doctor  (probably really called The Tasigmer)
  Jehosephat   - The Master
  Mortimus     - The Meddler
  Rassilon     - The Goner
  Borusa       - The Nutter
  Drax         - The Burglar
  Lee Cornes   - The Trickster
  Braxiatel    - The Librarian
  Flavia       - The Boss
  B.O.S.S.     - The Computer
  Runcible     - The Spoon
  Cornell      - The Writer
  Gillatt*     - The Editor
  (That's enough Time Lords - Ed.)

I got stuck on a real name for The Rani. Cross-series TV punsters among you might like to debate whether "Jackie Collins" or "Gay Search" would be more appropriate?

* A deeply wonderful and warm human being, and a bright and discerning young talent in the world of publishing, in case I haven't mentioned it in previous postings.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 1st February 1996

Greg T. Allinson wrote:
>Subject: Re: What's UNIT?
>Organization: WorldWide Access - Chicago Area Internet Services
>/ng##uK# |a+n+*oo"'+#~=++++

Gregg, Dave the Dave has gotten access to your account. I thought you should know.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 2nd February 1996

[More from the A-Z of ROCK 'N' ROLL]

THE TALONS OF WANG CHUNG Followed up their big hit "Dance Hall Days" with "Palace Theatre Nights" and vanished mysteriously in the fog.

MARK E. POLO "Yes-uh, Doct-uh you-uh can have your-uh Flying Caravan-uh back when you return my wife-uh to me-uh. If-ah you lose-ah at backgammon-ah you forfeit-uh our Peel Session-uh"

KIRK BRANDON'S SPEARHEAD OF DESTINY Oddly spurning both Autons and Daleks, asked "Do you believe in the Westworld ?". Donald Cotton and Rex Tucker obviously didn't.

JOHNNY KYDD AND THE SPACE PIRATES When Space Station Alpha 4 broke up, the Doctor Jamie and Zoe were said to be "Shaking All Over". It says here.

TARDIS THE UNSTOPPABLE TIME MACHINE South London duo, comprising JimBob and QueenBat. Made a "Fast Return" comeback tour recently.

ALPHACENTUARIVILLE Big, green, and phallic in Japan, apparently.

T-MAT BIANCO Mysteriously dematerialised after being verbally abused on "Swap Shop". This is pathetic, isn't it ?

COOL WITH THE KAFTAN B A Robertson novelty sixties parody about being locked in a frozen tomb with a mysterious middle-eastern woman.

21ST CENTURY SCHIZOID MAN King Crimson anthem to a Time Lord with multiple personalities seen walking around Albert Square in 2023.

GENTLE GIANT Obscure prog-rock outfit whose line-up included Toberman, Grun, Condo and Nimrod.

KHRISONGS OF FAITH AND DEVOTION Depeche Mode album conceived and recorded on a retreat in Tibet.

THE PLASTIC - OH NO! BAND Ron Nasty and Chastity's reaction against Auton invasions. They staged a "Shop In" to show that the people of the world are little more than soulless mannequins.

THE TIME-TRAVELLING WILBERRIES A bunch of clapped out old farts plucked from their respective time streams by the Time Lords to fight Omega. One of them is now dead. And he was so ill then he had to phone his parts in.

NICK CAVES OF ANDROZANI AND THE BAD SPECIAL EFFECTS Australian singer-songwriter and his band, hired to produce the Magma beast in Peter Davison's final story. Don't give up the day job, lads.

DOG MAN STAR Suede album, dedicated to John Leeson.

COURTNEY'S LOVE HOLE An unfortunate typographical error that led to the Brigadier actor being hired to perform indecent acts to entertain the Reading Festival crowd in place of the ill-fated Seattle riot grrrl band. You better believe it.

ZODIAC "THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD, EPISODES 5-8" AND THE LOVE REACTION Their early success floundered after being forced to change their name to one acceptable to Doctor Who Magazine.

NATHAN-TURNER OVERDRIVE "You ain't seen nothing yet. Stay tuned."

-- Dave Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), 2nd February 1996

* I adore autographs, endorsements, marks and imprints: I'm a signature-phile *

-- Dave Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), 2nd February 1996

David J. Howe (bfs@pavilion.co.uk) wrote:
> Just to be a pain, we are changing the picture in the paperback of
> COMPANIONS for a different (and better quality) shot from the session.
> Still Katy and a Dalek, though.


SIR KEITH and STAHLMAN study read-outs from the main computer. The read-out clock says 72:43:09. Various TECHNICIANS in suits, ties, and white lab coats putter in the background.

SIR KEITH But... but it can't be!

STAHLMAN I agree! That is totally impossible.

SIR KEITH I simply don't understand. How could the drill-head simply stop drilling?

STAHLMAN Why has drilling stopped? What has happened to my project??

VORUS enters the control room.

VORUS My Skystriker! My glory!

VORUS dies. All APPLAUSE. Then, THE DOCTOR enters the room and examines the computer readout.

THE DOCTOR Great jumping jehosephat!! Gentlemen, *that* is why drilling has stopped. You have finally reached the bottom of the barrel.

-- Jason A. Miller (JMILLER6@uoft02.utoledo.edu), 5th February 1996

Nick Eden (nick@pheasnt.demon.co.uk) wrote:
: Death, and I seem, to remember lots of Frenchmen in the Hartnell
: historicals. Don't know if any kisses were exchanged, but Frenchmen do
: that sort of thing you know...

Yeah, them froggies. Only one thing on their minds...

-- Jean-Marc Lofficier (rjmlof@haven.ios.com), 11th February 1996

[More on that new telemovie:]

Mark wrote:
>Will the movie actually appear on TV or will it be direct to video?

No. Even if you buy it on video it won't be allowed to appear on your TV set. Sorry.

>Somehow I fear the new movie has a fairly high suck potential. I'm not
>sure why I think so, its just a gut feeling.

Oh, that's just the final, poetic scene, which involves the Doctor, his tongue, Grace and her face.

*Very* high suck potential :-)

-- Robert Smith? (g9526329@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA), 22nd February 1996

[Editor's note: the question mark is intentional (-:]

Date: Fri, 23 Feb 96 01:59:00 -0500
From: Jack Beven [jbeven@delphi.com]
Newgroups: rec.arts.drwho
Subject: Re: Which NAs and MAs should I buy?

Harry Rags wrote on the subject of NAs:
> The five to avoid are..
> 1: Set-Piece
> 2: The Left Handed Hummingbird

To which Jen said:
> Jon, do something to this person...

Jon replied:
>Well, I could stick my fingers in my ears and make "wibble-wibble-wibble"
>noises at him, but that might be treating him a bit too seriously, don't
>you think?
>Kate's Champion

[And then:]

Well, Jen and Jon, I think I can come up with something to do with him that wouldn't be treating him too seriously. Which of the following would you like to see:

Would you like to him: Lasered?
or X-Raysered?

Would you like to see him shot with: A .44 Magnum?
A Meson gun?
A Neutron Blaster?
A Dalek Gun?
The Special Weapons' Dalek Gun?
or the Demat Gun?

Would you like him to be eaten by: The Blob?
The Creeping Terror?
The Skarasen?
A Drashig?
or Godzilla?

Would you like to see him thrown into: A multiple-vortex tornado?
A hurricane?
An active volcano's crater?
or a Black Hole!

Would you like to see him: Blown up with Nitro-9?
Captured by the Shadows?
Captured by the Sontarans?
Kidnapped and forced to work for Fu Manchu?
Kidnapped and forced to work for Dr. Forrester?
Forced to read the Pit over and over?
Forced to watch ST:VOY "Threshold" over and over?
Or be written into one of Kate's books?

[Insert lots of similies at this point for the humor- and sarcasm-impaired!]

-- Jack Beven (jbeven@delphi.com), 23rd February 1996

korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au (Kate Orman) wrote:
> Argh, no, I don't like the wig at all - but I've only seen that one
> photo, it might look quite different in real life. It's a shame Paul McG
> is virtually hairless at the mo, his own hair looks tres nice.

His hair doesn't look at all like my nice. And I'm very offended that you would refer to my nice in a public posting. I only showed it to you on the understanding that it was a private moment between the two of us!

Tre. some heroine-worship will come back and haunt you when you least expect it guy.

-- Tre Hellman (tre@quake.net), 26th February 1996

Gregt T. Allinson said:
> Ohhh.............Robert................I feel ill...............
> Wheezie! Wheezie! I think this the big one, Wheezie!:)

B Stone (b-stone@ux7.cso.uiuc.edu) replied:
>As funny as that was, Gregg, you have just quoted THE JEFFERSONS in
>rec.arts.drwho. The instability caused by this threatens the very
>backbone of the universe, so please attend carefully, as the message that
>follows is vital to the surivival of you all.
>The only way to restore the balance is to:
>A) Post a glowing, in-depth review of THE PIT
>B) Spend an entire night with a drunk David Yadalee
>C) Watch THE TWIN DILEMNA until your eyes bleed

Don't worry, Gregg. We here at Case Western Reserve University have noticed the prevalence of quotes like yours and realized that the newsgroup had long since passed the point of natural silliness death. Using our mathematical prowess, we have opened up massive crossposts in an attempt to bleed off the excess silliness. While these crossposts are huge navigational hazards, they are necessary for the continued existance of the newsgroup. Without them, the entire internet would descend into entropy and silliness.

Ian "Very Special Bracelet" McIntire

-- Ian McIntyre (imm@po.cwru.edu), 26th February 1996

Ken Mann wrote:
>Note that this story features Peter Sallis, who went on to star as the
>voice of Wallace in the "Wallace and Gromit" films, which were
>co-written by Bob Baker, half of the Baker and Martin writing duo.

I hope so - otherwise Nick Park might turn to other Doctor Who writers to put words into Wallace and Gromit's mouths.

Pip and Jane Baker:-

WALLACE: "What - not even Wensleydale ? That most edifyingly aromatic Terran lactic fermentation ? An abject travesty of gastronomic discretion!"

Malcolm Hulke:-

WALLACE: "I realise I was wrong to banish you to the dog house, Gromit. We humans must learn to share the planet with our sentient animated canine friends, and live in peace together."

Paul Cornell:-

WALLACE AND GROMIT (IN UNISON) : "Good evening - we're plasticene".

-- Dave Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), 27th February 1996

Jean-Marc Lofficier (rjmlof@haven.ios.com) says...
>Seriously, I totally agree with you; it all depends how it's handled.
>As I said earlier, I hate(d) Kirk's cheap, tawdry and sexist romances on
>Classic Trek, even at the time. (And that dates me.)

Jeez, Jean-Marc, that's the third message I've read today from you mentioning something that dates you. Does Randy know? And how can you then criticise Kirk's tawdry relationships?

Then again, the rules are different in France, I think. . .

-- Chris D. Heer (cheer@eskimo.com), 27th February 1996

[How was that TARDIS materialisation sounds made?]

EDP95NLO writes:
>Off the top of my head as opposed to scrapping a key down a door it was
>actually scrapped along the strings in an old (or possibly not so old)
>piano in the BBC radiophonic workshop and then "fiddled with" I
>believe Brian Hodgson is credited with this if my memory of In Vision
>magazine serves correctly, it is in fact (from Tom Baker onwards)
>listed as music not sound effects in the production credits

(NOISIV*NI ,rotide remroF)
sedilehgnA reteP
.sdrawkcab ti yalp neht dna eriw
eht gnola deggard yek eht drocer ot deen uoy ,tceffe reporp
eht teg ot tuB .yekhctal dna eriw onaip rof eceip lacisum a s'ti ,seY
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), 28th February 1996

nick@smale.demon.co.uk (Nick Smale) wrote:
> McCoy claims that once, when [Eric Roberts] noticed a slight blemish on
> the floor of his limo, he ordered the carpets to be replaced before he would
> be driven to the filming.

You know, when I read this, I thought it meant Sylvester saw something truly frightening/disgusting on his lino, courtesy of Eric, and wondered just what it would have to be to get such a reaction!

A chocolate-covered handcuff?

-- David J Richardson (borad@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au), 14th March 1996

Subject: Re: Terrance Dicks. Is he a bit shit?

David Robinson (navaz@geko.net.au) wrote:
: His writing style is about good enough to make anyone think that the
: lemmings have the right idea. It is no better (and sometimes worse) than
: the writing of the original 'novelisation' of the TV Who - with the
: exception of Rememberance - it hasn't grown, adapted, changed, while
: every other aspect of what Doctor Who now is has.

Me not could put it have any better. Me rite good too.

-- Jean-Marc Lofficier (rjmlof@haven.ios.com), 15th March 1996

[On the subject of too much Anghelides in this very file:]

Howzabout we just set up a bot which funnels every post from Anghelides into his own quote file? It can become the seventh part of the monthly FAQ. Underground cults will spring up around it, leading to the development of thriving Anghelidetheistic civilizations. Everyone will laugh and cavort all the day long.

Soon, nominating anyone other than Peter for the quote file will be against the law. Hordes of pasty-faced women with day-glo guns will spring up to ensure compliance. Everyone will be *forced* to read Anghelides' posts and they *will* laugh and be merry and ANGHELIDINESS WILL PREVAIL! DEATH TO KILLJOYS!

"I'm glad you're Anghelides!" "I'm Anghelides you're glad!"

-- Brian Ghoti (ghoti42@ix.netcom.com), 15th March 1996

Subject: A not-so-serious review of Shakedown...


DICKS-O-MATIC (tm) 1.0

for Macintosh, OS/2 and Windows

CHRONIC HYSTERESIS Software is proud to announce the latest addition to their increasing range of automated authoring tools; DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) 1.0. Through the use of state-of-the-art artificial intelligence research, DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) allows even the most talentless hack to produce a New or Missing Adventure in the time-honoured style of the grand master of Doctor Who fiction, Mr Terrance Dicks.

DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) comes complete with the following built-in features:

1) StereoTyper(tm) - Utilising the latest results from cutting-edge cinemedia research, StereoTyper(tm) automatically generates all those two-dimensional background and supporting characters needed to flesh out your novel. Insectoid Academics and Intelligent Ogrons are numbered amongst its specialties.

2) AutoBond - Automatically selects several main characters and throws them into a fast-paced, action-packed, thinly-plotted preface with little or no relevance to the main storyline.

3) The Lazarus Suite - Has your favourite Sontaran warrior died a less than heroic death? Did your Rutan protagonist get itself killed at an less than opportune moment in the storyline? Never fear; the Lazarus Suite's patented Anatomical Revivifier(tm) can suggest thousands of equally implausible biologically-based methods by which you can ensure your characters survive until you can kill them properly.

4) PlotWeaver - You'll be amazed at how quickly PlotWeaver can stitch together a storyline from its MultiUse(tm) plot-element database. You'll be astounded at the number of times the same plot device can be recycled in one book.

5) Character Avoidance - Need to endure one of your characters never meets the Doctor, because it would demand the use of funny in-jokes? DICKS-O-MATIC(tm)'s character avoidance feature simplifies the process. Now you need never worry if your character's physical appearance is startling similar to one of the Doctor's previous acquaintances...

6) DroppedStitch - One of the more advanced features of DICKS-O-MATIC(tm), DroppedStitch interfaces with StereoTyper(tm) and PlotWeaver to ensure your novel contains one of those staples of Dicks' style, the vanishing character. DroppedStitch will provide your character with personality, motivation, and drive, before ensuring they inexplicably vanish from the novel around the half-way mark. Great for generating all those pesky Sontaran Generals and other author's mouthpieces.

7) PatchWork - Got an old video script lying around you want to recycle into your novel's storyline? The PatchWork module shows you how, guiding you through the process of stitching two separate storylines together on the flimsiest of pretexts. Automatic interfacing with PlotWeaver and The Lazarus Suite ensures the important characters survive any nasty accidents that might befall them.

8) PlotHoler - based upon the premise expressed in Steve Leahy's .sig ("Plot hole, n: A device which allows an author to avoid the difficult task of writing coherently..."), PlotHoler ensures that the task of writing coherently never befalls the author. The Ben Aaronovitch version ("Plot hole, n: A fissure created by your deadline arriving before Chapter Three") is also available as a plug-in.

9) EasyReader - Removes all those long, complicated words and phrases from your finished novel, ensuring the style is consistent with that used in Dicks' novelizations of televised Doctor Who stories.

Here at CHRONIC HYSTERESIS we think DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) is the greatest thing since sliced bread, but we don't just expect you to take our word for it. Included in the DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) package is a copy of the New Adventure _Shakedown_, which was produced entirely by DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) 1.0.

Here are some totally unsolicited comments from established NA and MA authors:

"If only I'd had DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) when I was writing _The Hole_; it mightn't have been such a disaster." - N. Biroswick.

"DICKS-O-MATIC(tm) certainly assisted in the writing of _Realm of Silica_." - A. Track.

"I'm getting tired of actually writing my own books; when is ORMAN-O-MATIC being released?" - K. Andwoman.

And from our competitors:

"Microfloppy Dicks96 is due out before the year 2000." - W. Doors.

-- Steve Leahy (Steve.Leahy@anu.edu.au), 19th March 1996

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