The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Feb/Mar 97

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith

Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the
"best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to
appear in the newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a
quote you think derserves an entry in the Quote File, just mail me at

and include the attributions and the quote in full.

Since this newsgroup is more than full of it's fair share of 
off-topic/pointless stuff, I'd like to request that you *don't* waste 
bandwidth by shouting "Quotefile!" in the newsgroup - email it to me 

Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with
the original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the
Quote File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of
Comment or Review.

On with the quotes! 


Jason Miller (> wrote:
>>The Brigadier and the Doctor hold
>>a strategy meeting high atop a catwalk early in Episode 2 -- a visually
>>unique setting for a scene that might've been done across a desk
>>in someone's studio-bound office.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote:
> And, of course, the question on everyone's lips is "Why the hell *did*
> they climb a 30ft catwalk to chat for a bit and then climb down again?".

DOCTOR: Brigadier, if my suspicions are correct, this could be a matter
of utmost importance to this planet's safety. It's vital that nobody
overhear what I'm about to tell you, at least until I'm sure. I don't
want to start a panic unnecessarily.

BRIG: All right, Doctor, we'll talk in my office, then.

DOCTOR: No, Brigadier. I demand -

BRIG:                            - oh no! Not that!

DOCTOR: Yes! The Catwalk of Silence!

Daniel Frankham (>


Luke Gutzwiller (> wrote:
>> When duelling with Kenobi, Darth Vader says, and I quote:
>> "I am the Master now."

Jim Vowles (> wrote:
>Actually he says "When we last met, I was the student; now I am the Master".

So, the Master's 1st regeneration, he was known as "The Student"? That
would kind of suck, wouldn't it? If you were going to be picking out a
sinister sounding name to be known as as you wreaked havoc about time as,
the last one you would pick would be "The Student." Maybe there's a
lottery the names are passed out at? "Lucky son of a bitch, he got 'The
Doctor' as a title... I got 'The Waste Extraction Engineer.'"

Micheal Keane (>


Phil Hallard wrote:
> Density of the Daleks

Freudian slip I wonder?

Shawn E. Channell (>


Djutmose wrote:
>> Yes, i also very much enjoy watching Doctor Who.  I would recommend this
>> activity to anyone reading this newsgroup.  (Except for NA fans, who
>> understandably wouldn't find the old series to be sexually titillating
>> enough for their tastes.)

Shannon patrick Sullivan (> wrote:
>Since when were the NAs "sexually titillating"?

It must have something to do with all those pyramids on the covers of 
Kate Orman's books. :-)


Donald Gillikin (>


[Subject: Re: ADULTS ONLY- Check this out!]

Now, let's try to make this SPAM pertain to Doctor Who:

Paul287679120@%$#*&!+=(noreply).com wrote:
Are you into HOT CHAT?   We've got the world's largest voice-personal
dating system, as well as the hottest, sexiest "1 on 1", "2 on 1", and
"PARTY-LINE" chat you'll find anywhere, all in one place!  And you don't
have to call a 900 number to get in on this hot phone fun!

You can choose from 5 hot programs that are sure to fulfill your every

You can press 1  from the main menu to choose from our sexy "1 ON 1"
          *to talk to a random companion (no, not *the* Random Companion,
just *a* random companion), press 1.
           *for a 1 on 1 session with our experienced DOMINANT MISTRESS,
the late SARA KINGDOM, press 2.
          *for steamy talk with the ultimate semi-sentient sex-toy,
KAMELEON, press 3.
          *for an erotic 1 on 1 chat with the EXOTIC ERATO, press 4 and
blow into your telephone.
          *for some HOT man to man action with a Mike Yates, press 5.

          You'll be billed just Altairian  3.99 Grotzis per minute for
your selection.
Or you can press 2 from the main menu to DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE, then:
          *to speak to those 2 HOT SEXY GIRLS, NYSSA and TEGAN, press 1.
          *to get it on with that swinging WILD COUPLE, CLIFF and
JO, press 2.

          You'll be billed just 4.99 Grotzis per minute for your

Or you can press 3 from the main menu to join the GROUP ORGY LINE!
          *You can party with the world's nastiest swingers, the
hyper-horny men and women of the United Nations Intelligence Taskforce
for only 2.50 Grotzis per minute.

Or you can press 4 from the main menu, then:
          *Press 1 to join the ALDEN'S ALL- MEL FANTASY NETWORK.   This
is the world's only phone service that allows you to connect with people
who share your personal fantasies INVOLVING CHIPPER REDHEADED FITNESS
FREAK FANATICS.  This state-of-the-art voice mail system lets you listen
to messages from the beautiful and enchanting MELANIE BUSH, enticing you
to while away your evening with the sexy and arousoing pleasures of
drinking carrot juice and performing horizontal aerobics. Leave Mel a hot
and sexy message, then call back to see what erotic message she has left
for you.  Thrill to her squeaky cries of ecstacy.  You'll be billed
just 3.50 Grotzis per minute.
          *Or press 2 to listen to a hot selection of recorded fantasies
steamy enough to make you explode!  Choose from beautiful, sexy women's
fantasies or the Master's domination stories.  You'll be billed just 2.49
Grotzis per minute.

Or you can press 5 from the main menu for COMMANDER AZAXYR'S COLD AND
FROSTY DATELINE,where you can listen, and respond, to voice personal ads
from SCALY REPTILES in your stellar neighborhood, including their real
names and home telephone numbers! You can also leave your own personal
message for people to get in touch with you.  Make new friends on the
world's busiest voice personal lines!   Meet singles or couples, gay or
straight; you'll be billed only $2.99 Grotzis minute.

       ***JUST CALL 1-800-HOT-TIME to use your Asteroid Express card.
The charge is just 2.49-4.99 Grotzis per minute, plus a 50 centigroti
connection fee.    18+ only.

       Call now!!!  YOU WON'T REGRET IT!


Donald Gillikin (>


[Subject: Re: My ten least favorite stories, and yours?]

Brad Filippone (> wrote:
>1. The Happiness Patrol
>2. The Happiness Patrol
>3. The Happiness Patrol
>4. The Happiness Patrol
>5. The Happiness Patrol
>6. The Happiness Patrol
>7. The Happiness Patrol
>8. The Happiness Patrol
>9. The Happiness Patrol
>10. The Web Planet

That's weird. Nine of those are in my top ten...

I guess now is about the time for me to be awfully clever and post:

1. Colony in Space
2. Colony in Space
3. Colony in Space
4. Colony in Space
5. Colony in Space
6. Colony in Space
7. Colony in Space
8. Colony in Space
9. Colony in Space
10. The Dominators


Robert Smith? (>


Sean Gaffney wrote:
>According to my Doctor, for my height I am 55 lbs. underweight.

>Can anyone top that?

Well, I'm 65 feet tall, weigh about a ton and a half or so.  All my
friends on Monster Island tell me I'm underweight.  Does this top yours?

Nicholas Kaufmann (>


Luke Gutzwiller (> writes:
>_What if_ a future (post-"Enemy Within") Grace had met a past
>Doctor? would she try and snog, say, Colin Baker?

 "_Really_ Grace, try to control yourself.  I'm trying to save a
planet here, not start a lucrative trade in tongue massage."

Alden Bates (>


JAbood4481 ( wrote:
>Anyone have meddling monk, time dam, davros, doomsday machine,mind of
>evil,tetraps, lazars disease, Want to trade or sell? Please.

You may well be lucky.  I think most people with Lazar's Disease tend to
be rather keen on getting rid of it. 

Philip Alexander Hallard (>


Jean-Marc Lofficier wrote:
>Agreed -- likely the BBC doesn't care that much about the books because
>they don't think (rightly so) that they have the impact a movie has.
>The, he adds viciously, doesn't this prove that the BBC doesn't consider
>the books canon, heh, heh, heh...

May I suggest that we introduce a variation on the 'Nazi rule' which
exists in other newsgroups?  It goes like this -- in any discussion, the
first party to mention canon loses the argument.  Automatically.



Robert Smith? (>
>And gosh darn it, I want Camfield Doctor fiction and I want it *now*! :-)

[Warning:  The following story contains incest]

	The Camfield Doctor lovingly caressed the machine.  The
genetic loom which had brought him to life, sat quietly throbbing
with muted yet potent ecstasy.  Its weaves stood fully erect,
looking fragile yet rock-solid.  The Doctor reached out to probe
them with his fingers.  The machine trembled in response.  The
Doctor grinned wickedly.

	"Ah, mother," he said to the machine.  "This time, the
pleasure will be all *mine*".

Jason Miller (>


Dear Mr. Miller:

While we appreciate your input (dare we say "submission?") and do find
considerable literary merit in this story we're sorry to inform you
that it does not meet our needs at this time.

First, let me say that while we found the sexual imagery associated
with the genetic loom quite intriging, we were disturbed by the
implication that this was the "Camfield" Doctor, a being that we are
not ready to endow with canonicity.

Secondly, we find that while this writing sample is quite brief, and
within those strictures it might have been difficult to include more
description, it is sadly lacking in anatomical references, other than
those pertaining to the genetic loom.

We do encourage you to contact us in the future if you have other
material you would like considered.

Thank you
The PMEB-EF Editorial Staff

Elsa Frohman (>


[Subject: Re: A Friendly Guide for Newcomers]

In article (> you write:

JOHN LONG (> wrote:  
>>>>I called them rules from your perspective, please read it again

Robert Smith? (>
>>>And I corrected that mistake, because from my perspective they're *not*
JOHN LONG (> wrote:  
>>From my perspective, they were rules from your perspective.
Si Jerram (> wrote:
> This is making me dizzy....


In my new post, coming soon, 'Rememberance of a Friendly Guide to
Newcomers', I make it perfectly clear that while Smith? *thought* he was
making suggestions, those sneaky rules just allowed him to think that,
so that they could later catch him with his trousers down.

The so-called 'rules' that Long thought he saw, were in fact the
Renegade rules from 'Genesis of the Friendly Guide to Newcomers', who,
after they caught them, the rules Supreme reprogrammed back into the
corpus of the rules.

The suggestions, meanwhile, all died when the Dark Smith? totalled the
home planet of the rules - all of which, of course, either makes the
Dark Smith? far more manipulative and sinister than we first thought or
- since his didn't in fact destroy the rules after all - a prime chump
who should be dragged forcibly from any game of 'find the lady' in the
vicinity, etc, etc, etc ...

There. I hope that's sorted out, now.

Dave Stone (>


Cool, one-line ascii art!

<|> <|>  The Master's eyes.

()____)=====V  Sonic Screwdriver

YYYY(O)   Alpha Centauri

LLLLLL|  Tom Baker's teeth

[)-i|i-{   Dalek eye stalk

........  All eight Doctors, seen from a kilometre away,


Alden Bates (>


Jason Miller (> wrote:
>>>	But what about this whole notion of the Rani running
>>>a bathhouse?  Don't you find such blatant voyeurism in "Who"
>>>disturbing?  I mean, here you have this twisted yet nubile
>>>Gallifreyan woman, watching strapping coal-miner swatting
>>>each other with towels and washing clean their bulging muscles.

>>>	Kinda makes me wonder, "Hmm, am I sure I'm watching
>>>the right videotape?"

Greg McElhatton (>
>> Gee. It made me say, "Gosh, that Rani sure is clever."

Trina Short (> wrote:
>Greg!  You are my twin after all!  This was my thought exactly.  My
>main question is, after those gorgeous hunks she had in Mark of the
>Rani, why on earth did she work with the tetraps?  They did nothing
>for my oversexed imagination.

Yeah, talk about a step down... sure, they had four eyes, but big
whoop. (Unless they also had four... um... nevermind.)

>--trinalin, wondering what the natives of Miasimia Goria looked like.

Maybe that's where Shagg from "Dimensions in Time" came from? It
explains why it took her so long to leave home (and why she'd made it
so they couldn't fall asleep...).

Greg McElhatton (>


Jonathan Blum wrote:
> On the other hand, maybe Trakenites have two hearts too...

I have a problem disproving this, Jon, because I know so
little about telebiogenesis.

Peter Anghelides (>


Evil One (ZENORAK@HOTMAIL.COM+no.spam> wrote:
>I think some people misunderstood what I meant. When I said the Doctor can't
>change history, I meant that he can't change his own past

What if the Doctor *could* change his own timestream? What if, with every
interference in history, he was also altering his own history? Just imagine -
the Time Lords could be God like one week, backstabbing political 
infighters the next. The Doctor might find that he left Gallifrey because
he was 'exiled' one day, or just because he was bored the next. He might
be in his twelfth incarnation one day, then discover he's only in his fourth.

Nah ... it'll never happen.

Lance Parkin (>


Marcus Durham (> wrote:
>  Doctor Who was perhaps the most popular, certainly the most revered 
> television science fiction programme of all time.

In many of the more relaxed parts of the world it is considered more
popular than 'Star Trek', for, while it has many omissions, and
contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it
scores over the younger, more pedestrian work in two important ways.
First, it is much cheaper, and second, it has the words 'Police
Public Call Box' inscribed in large, friendly letters on the front.

Mark (>


While I'm here...  a Top Ten list of Things DW Directors Must Do:

10. Listen patiently to all Tom Baker's performance suggestions,
    but act on none of them (see also Melvyn Bragg's WHOSE DR WHO?).
 9. Encourage corridor acting.
 8. Ensure that every story includes at least one escape via
    air-conditioning. (Pleased to see this tradition carried
    on in Lance Parkin's COLD FUSION, by the way. Nice one Lance.)
 7. Include cameo role for Pat Gorman.
 6. Resist the temptation to cast a cabbage as a companion (this
    was studiously ignored in the case of Mel). See also 10.
 5. All sliding doors to be operated by burly scene hands (not 
    necessarily OOV).
 4. Special Sound: Dick Mills.
 3. Gratuitous continuity references to be confined to one per 
 2. Location work all on film, studio work all on video.
 1. Make sure all important special effects shots are scheduled
    for 9:55pm studio time.

Peter Anghelides (>


JHowell (> wrote:
>I was born when Dr. Who was first transmitted in the UK. As I grew up,
>that familliar, creepy, woozing theme music became part of the fabric of
>my existence. I would sit glues to my sofa watching Patrick Troughton do
>battle with Yeti, Seaweed and all. Later, I became a huge fan of Pertwee
>and then Baker. Then, one day, something strange happened. I remember it
>quite distinctly. Philip Hinchliffe left as producer and the hapless
>Graham Williams took over. This might upset and anger many of you out
>there, but I firmly believe that Dr. Who lost it's magic during the
>"Invisible Enemy" and deteriorated slowly from thereon. When, pardon the
>expression, John Nathan Turner got hold on the reigns and, for me,  it all
>ended with the "Leisure Hive". Gone was the magic, gone were the
>characters that one cared for. This loss of magic pervaded the series
>during the eighties and culminated in the appalling McGann tv movie. 
>Magic isn't something easy to manufacture. When I think of movie magic I
>always think of the final 15 minutes of Close Encounters or the entire
>"Matter of Life and Death" 1946, as opposed to the juvenile "Twister"
>"ID4". Pertwee's era might well have been dogged by some pretty amateur
>f/x but, nonetheless, there was that something special, marvelously
>written scripts, good acting (Pertwee a much underated dramatic actor) and
>something else equally important. The seventies series, both Pertwee and
>Baker, were very accessible to a general TV audience. The show was
>produced, written and acted by professionals - people who understand the
>very nature of showbusiness. I found the show very hard to watch during
>the eighties. It became too conscious of itself and it's fans. Becoming a
>parody of it's past glory. It may be harsh but this is my bottom line:


Put down the issue of DWB and take two steps back!

Kate Orman (>


JOHN LONG wrote:

> What a horrible way to communicate!  Let's just stop using English 

Alors, je n'ai pas de probleme avec cet idee.  

Eva W Jacobus (ejacobus@MIT.EDU>


Azaxyr (> wrote: 
>((( No Message Collected >>>

	I nominate AOL's newsreader for the President's Medal of
Freedom for this act of valor and courage and decency.

Jason A. Miller	(>


  'The Brain of Morbius II'

starring Jennifer Saunders as the Doctress, and Julia Sawalha as
Saffron Jane Smith.

  "He's dead."
  "What did you say, darling?"
  "I said, he's dead."
  "Dead, sweetie?"
  "Someone drank off the fluid from the container.  His brain dried
  "Drank...drank....uuuuooohhhh,  uuuuoooohhhh."
  "His brain?   I thought it was just some giant space onion, or
  "Well it wasn't."
  "Sorry darling.  I know you wanted to talk to him, darling...
straighten him out, get him to start recycling, that sort of thing...
you know...bore him to death."
  "Shut up!"

Chris Sweitzer (>


In article (>, JOHN LONG  (> wrote:

>Shannon, what gender are you?  Someone gave me the impression that 
>you're a guy?  From what you just posted I find that hard to believe - 
>and if you are a guy, why is your name Shannon?

John, how old are you? Someone gave me the impression that you're 
actually past puberty? From what you've been posting I find that hard to 
believe - and if you are above toilet humour, why is your name John?

Robert Smith? (>


[Subject: Re: My ten least favorite stories, and yours?]

Sorry to say this, but only ten? There are so many to choose from.

1  The Space Pirates.

Do you really need to tell you why? It's hideous. It's like Fireball XL5
would have been, with slightly more realistic puppets and less money
spent on the script.

2  Battlefield


3  Monster of Peladon

So dull. So very, very dull.

4  The Android Invasion

That Terry Nation, eh? Not exactly the best Who writer ever, was he? This
one's quite an oddball really when viewed in the context of his oeuvre.
Not a single grizzled Space Security Service agent to be seen. And no
characters called Tarrant, either. Still rubbish, though. Nice to know
there are some things one can rely on.

5 The Web Planet

Maybe I'm being very unfair. Maybe I'm being very, very unfair. But I can
promise you with utmost sincerity that I'm never going to watch this
story again to find out just how unfair I'm being. Mother, mother, will
it ever end?

[no Colins yet, so if course it has to be...]

6  The Twin Dilemma

Crap crap crap crap crap

7  The Dominators

I bet you thought I'd forgotten. Oh no. It would take a couple of years
of intensive hypnotherapy to forget this little beauty.

8  Revenge of the Cybermen

You know Sherlock Holmes's trick of never dusting, so he could analyse
the thickness of dust on his tomes to see when he last consulted them? A
brief Holmesian analysis of my Revenge video shows that I last watched it
over 7 years ago. This means that there isn't a single cell in my body
that remains from last time I saw it. It's a good feeling.

9  The Chase

"Good day at the BBC archives, darling?" "Yes. I destroyed a Dr Who story
called Power of the Daleks but left one called The Chase"

I hope that bastard feels happy.

[I probably haven't pissed anyone off yet, so it'll have to be...]

10  The Curse of Fenric

Not because it's particularly rubbish. Mainly because I don't think it's
particularly anything. And yet everyone else loves it and talks about it
all the time. Which makes me feel left out because I always preferred the
Happiness Patrol.

What? Is that it? And I didn't have time to mention Time and the Rani,
The Mind Robber, The Invasion of Time, The Wheel in Space, Delta and the
Bannermen, Mindwarp, Meglos, Silver Nemesis, Planet of the Daleks,

Rico Augood (>


Christopher Chantler wrote:(Re:'The Chase')
> Why don't Ian and Barbara get out when the TARDIS
> lands in New York in 1966 and get a flight back to
> London?

I can see it now...

IAN: Hey, it's 1966! Barbara! We can get a flight back home!
BARBARA: What makes you think British Airways are going to be any more
reliable than the TARDIS?
IAN: A fair point. But it's worth a shot! Well, Vicki, Doctor, it's been
nice knowing you. But frankly, it looks like the Daleks are going to be
frying your arses any time now, so we're off.
BARBARA: Ian! We can't just leave them like this, in their hour of need.
IAN: Er. Yes we can.
BARBRA: Oh, okay.
DOCTOR: You bastards!

        (Pulls Vicki into TARDIS, which dematerialises.)

IAN: Shit. I forgot my wallet. 
BARBARA: Anyway, the credit card hasn't been invented yet.
IAN: We're buggered then, aren't we.
        A Dalek appears.


        They are blown to bits. And quite right too.

...I make that three pretty good reasons.

Roper (> wrote:


The thing is, if I'm allowed to be just a tad
bit vulgar here, I was imagining Romana I in
that fluffy white garb outfit from The Ribos
Operation with a err uh strap-on.

Now suddenly I'm playing a mythical and risque
version of clue with all the characters being

"Romana I with the strap on in the dungeon"

"Adric with the nipple clamps in the bathroom"

Spigi Berman (>


Keith Topping:
> Not really a very Brigadier type of word though, is it?! (Mind you, some
> would argue 'bastard' isn't either - but I'd rather like to know what he'd
> say if he stuffed his toe whilst shaving and cut himself. 

He'd say, "Blow me down, Doctor, no wonder I've managed to cut myself...
all these years, and I've been shaving with my feet! Call for Dr
Sullivan, man, quickly. Chap with bandages (faints>."

> Actually, we've got somebody having a pittle in DG! Another potential
> first for the Day/Topping team! The boys done brilliant...

I recall Simon Lydiard's "Skaro" magazine being mercilessly
lampooned for a scene in one of its fiction pieces in which
Jo, erm, poos her pants at a horrid sight. (No, not the Brig
stripped to the waist and shaving with his feet, but thanks for
JML writes:
> Hmm, your left hand never has to worry about what your right hand is
> doing, eh?  :-)

*boggle* That WOULD be a first for DW fiction.

Peter Anghelides (>


Dave Stone (> wrote:
>In a couple of days I should be switching to Demon, when I get the
>domain name through. I've sent a mail asking UKOnline to cancel my
>account at the end of the month - but there's a distinct chance, given
>their track-record, that they'll cut me off tomorrow.

>If they don't, we can all heave a big sigh of relief. If they do, then I
>might be offline for a while.

Damn no don't go.

I could have done more. This "t" I don't need this "t" I could have used
it to keep him here longer. I could have done so much more.
his "p" I don need his "p"
lease say dave lease don go
his "s" wha do I need wih an "s"

he robably can no here me now he' gone


Richard Prekodravac (>


Jonathan Blum wrote:
> This brings something to mind...  what do you think would be the reading
> tastes of various companions?  

Well, let's see.  ISTR Ian reading a pulp sci-fi mag in "The Chase."  I 
can easily see Adric picking up a copy of "A Brief History of the 
Universe" and spluttering with disdain.  Now that you bring it up, 
there's one phrase I just can't get out of my head:

"Waldo located at co-ordinates 37 by 61, master."

Ian McIntire (>


Richard Prekodravac wrote:

>Does RADW actually play a role or is it in a world of its own.

   Until recently, RADW was playing Jean Valjean in "Les Miz", but the
whole production was recast, and rec.arts.comics.creative has the part.
RADW is, however, next in line for the lead in "Victor, Victoria".

K. Michael Wilcox (>


Piers Beckley ( writes:
>>So far. Another hundred and fifty years or so and the daleks will
>>invade. I don't call that doing just fine.
Alden Bates wrote:
>Well, since we weren't invaded by Cybermen in 1970 or 1986, shop
>mannequins didn't come to life in whichever year the UNIT years
>are set this month, and no small English villages have blown up...


Date: 27/2/97
From: Brigadier Winifred Bambera
To:  UNIT HQ, Geneva, Switzerland
Re: Alien Interference?

Dear Sirs and Ma'ams

The cover stories appear to be working.
Winifred A. Bambera

Ian McIntire (>

Keith Topping ( writes:
>Of course, it's an interesting thing to speculate that should
>somebody want to write an NA with the Doctor going back to
>Androzani and he came into contact with another spectrox nest, 
>would his body have developed an immunity to the Toxemia? 

Or an immunity to falling off radio telescopes (well, he had it in
Paradise of Death.) or to having a bunch of fool Earth surgeons
stick things into you until you die.

Alden Bates (>


Spigi Berman (> wrote:
>Cool.  Suddenly I had images of my head of a Dalek as a dectective though,
>like Philip Marlowe.

"It was one of those days when the pavement has more potholes than a
minefield, and the sun beats down so hard you wish you could crawl out of
your polycarbide thermos and sit in a bath full of slime all afternoon
watching cheesy talk-shows and composing bad operas. Suddenly, the door
opened. It was a woman. Her hot pink dress was tighter than a naked
singularity, her hair blonde like the sand of some mined-out quarry
slave-planet, her baby-blue eyes like... like some chicks eyes which are
really blue. She was lying on the floor, arms and legs akimbo as if she'd
been struck down by a zillion gigawatts of high-tech firepower. I'd
exterminated her. I lose a lot of clients that way, but that's how it is,
when you're a Dalek detective..."

Daniel Frankham (>


[Subject: The Claws of Axos reviewed]

- Theorizing that one could time-travel within his own lifetime,
Dr. David Winser stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator -- and
*vanished*.  He awoke to find himself dead, facing an audience
that was greatly pleased.

Jason Miller (>


[Subject: Re: Have you Registered with the ET Office Yet?]

Cosmic Spider  (> wrote:
>Are you an ALIEN from another world?


>   You will be pleased to know that you are not alone, so register
>yourself with the Earth's Alien Emigration Office ASAP as you are
>required by the laws stipulated in the INTERSTELLAR AGREEMENT


"Uh, Admiral?" called Joel. "Take a look at this."

Admiral Summerfield squeezed past Joel's inflatable model of the 
Enterprise and leaned over the computer. He read the posting.

"That'll be the CIA again," he said.

"Third time this week," said Joel. "You should see the email spam."

Kate Orman (>


Richard Schmieg ( writes:
>Morbius's brain was sitting in a bucket of water for years and thrown into
>a body quickly after being dropped on the ground.  Even Sarah could have
>taken him on (if she was a TImelord).  :-)

Is it true that the "extended" version of Brain of Morbius features
a short game of Gallifreyan "Half-ball" with Sarah and Solon using
said brain as the ball?

This lead up to the famous part where the Doctor asks Morbius if
there were "lives before Half-ball".

Alden Bates (>


Robert Smith? (>
> If there *is* a contradiction, then it only negates that particular
> instance, not the whole book and certainly not the whole series. And
> there's also the "UNimAGinable POWer" of the retcon... :-)


             JOHN PEEL (over comlink)
With this tiny passage in my novel, I shall return the 
Daleks to the position of power that they were created for.
I shall possess unimaginable power!  Crush the -

... lesser authors!  Unlimited royalties!  Yes, John,
we've heard it all before.

             JOHN PEEL
Prepare to deploy the War Retcon!

No!  John, I beg you.  Don't do this.  Please.

             JOHN PEEL
Silence!  Deploy the Retcon!  NOW!

             NUALA BUFFINI
War Retcon now entering retail bookstores...

Ian McIntire (>


Ian McIntire (> wrote:
>             NUALA BUFFINI
>War Retcon now entering retail bookstores...

              DALEK #1

              JOHN PEEL
No!  This cannot be correct!

Precisely my point.  Did you really think you could get away with
retconning an entire planet back into existence without it backfiring
in your face?

              DALEK #2

              JOHN PEEL
You tricked me!

You tricked yourself, John.

              DALEK #1

Scott Bigham (>


[Subject: Re: Dalek sighting on Sky?]

Quite apart fropm the question of how he got up there, what I'd really 
like to know is, what's stopping him from falling down?

(and I must say, this really beats out that Dalek sighting in the Thames...)

Robert Smith? (>


Evil One (> wrote:

>I think more importantly, which I think 
>was the point I was trying to make, is that there are many people, 
>which may or may not include Kate, who do choose to infer that, and 
>then feel guilty, and they're trying to find a scapegoat (e.g. the 

Wow. Diagram *that* sentence.

G. Branden Robinson (>


[On the subject of creating a new series out of rec.arts.drwho]

>Okay, so firstly we'll need to create the series format, the characters,
>and then develop the series bible, etc.

>Anyone got any ideas ? :)

Sure (you didn't say anything about good ones, right? I thought not :)

I envisage a stirring human drama set again the backdrop
of the Last Great Flame War (capitals are important. In
fact, they're so important that perhaps it should be in
all caps). People and Americans have come together in a 
place of peace to overcome their differences and discuss
Doctor Who, a body of sacred religious texts generated
before the Great Fall of '89. But all is not well in
paradise, for the seeds of dichord have been sown. A
group of fanatics known as the NA Canonists are spreading
heresies in dark, out-of-the-way places; there are even
some who subscribe to the shocking notion that Doctor
Who never died, but was reborn in the mid-1990's with a 
kiss and an ambulance chase. And somewhere out there
lurk the Flamers, sinister terrorists who will stop at
nothing, not even ASCII porn and Christian fundamentalism,
to bring about an end to peace.

PS: Sorry about the 'Americans' dig, but human drama's
gotta have *conflict*, right? :)

Dave Versace


Lance Parkin (> wrote:
>Indeed. Americans patting themselves on the back about the lack of censorship
>in the US media might like to ask why *their* version of 'Moll Flanders'
>was twenty-seven minutes shorter than the UK broadcast. 

That's simple -- it's cause the US media magnates are more scared of
the public reaction to a film that requires a long attention span than the
public reaction to sex and violence.  :-)

Maybe we need a TV-IQ rating?  "Warning:  The following program contains
intelligent themes, symbolism, and individual scenes more than ninety
seconds long.  Viewer discretion is advised."

Jon Blum (>


Nah. Rolf Harris for me. He's utterly great and he's ...

Hang about.

Oh my God. How could we have been so blind? It's been staring us in the
face all the time!

Rolf Harris *must* be the ninth Doctor. We must drop the McGann chap
right now and petition the Beeb forthwith with cries for Rolf. The Beeb,
recognising the utter, inate wisdom and rightness of this concept will
commission a million-order budget, open-ended series immediately.

Can't you see it? The Doctor sets up resonances that destroy cyberman
circuitry with his special sonic wobble-board. Whole galactic alien
cultures will worship him in his manifestation of beard and spectacles,
a safari suit and a roller ...

Just imagine, if you will, all the lost opportunities that come from us
not having had this insight earlier. Imagine, for example, in the middle
of his complicated plotting in Remembrance, our Rolf turning to the
camera with his unmistakable twinkle and going: 'Can you guess what it
is yet?'

Please. There is no time to lose. I urge you all to write the the BBC
now. Then we can truly have the Doctor that bothe we and they deserve.

Incidentally; after the fuss that was caused by someone bringing sheep
into this thread, may I just say now that anyone so much as mentioning
'Two Little Boys' will be shot.

Dave Stone (>


Kate Orman (> wrote:
>> Besides, I base most of my characters on me. :-)

The One  (> wrote:
>Especially the companion, eh...?

I admit it. My private shame. Chris Cwej is really me. I am really a six 
foot tall blonde hunk and expert marksman. I cannot live with this 
secret any longer. Please send photo.

Kate Orman (>


Kate Orman (> wrote:
>>I admit it. My private shame. Chris Cwej is really me. I am really a
>>six foot tall blonde hunk and expert marksman. I cannot live with this
>>secret any longer. Please send photo.
Sean Gaffney wrote:
> Ah hah!  Proof at last that Jon Blum is gay!  Vindication!

No, this proves that Jon Blum is a grumpy African woman with a lousy aim 
and greying hair ....

Ian McIntire (>


It must've been great being a McCoy writer.

For twenty-some odd years, you see, writers had to give *explanations*
and *background* to things.

According to some unnamed sources, Season Twenty Seven was to have done 
away with titles, and Season Twenty Eight was going to be in a different
language, to add even more "mystery" to the program.

Shame it was cancelled. 

Tchuss Dvak (>

Jason A. Miller wrote:

>        And here's another TV series that's gotten lost in the
>shuffle -- Davison did a sci-fi kiddie show called "Dr. Who"
>in the early 1980s, but got fired by the BBC after causing
>the ratings to collapse by 67% and alienating all the fans.
Okay, there's nothing better than a botched set of facts to make a
terribly tasty cheesecake.  

Davison was not fired, this 67% is merely statistical nonsense (2/3rds
of the population would agree with me on this), and he was *not*
alienating the fans.  Alienating fans was Michael Grade's job.

I need to go now as my local PBS station is starting up a pledge break
and I want to persuade them to bring "Doctor Who" back on air. And not
just Tom Baker's era , either...  Mind you, I'd be better off trying to
get the US congress to accept gay marriage, of course but futility is my
piece of resistance...



Donald Gillikin (> wrote: >
> a clever plot by the Cybercontroller to lead humanity into belieing 
> that Mondas was destroyed in 1986 

Mondas was *destroyed*??!!??!!!

My God!!!!!

Soon fix that. To the Lancecave!

Lance Parkin (>


Spigi Berman (> wrote:

The main guy seemed to have not a
>clue about what he was talking about at times and then the other guy
>was showing off TimeFrame and opened to a page of William Hartnell and
>said "Ah It's Peter Davison".  Okay so he's looking at it upside down
>but still.

Well, you've now put in mind startling thoughts about the fifth Doctor
as played by William Hartnell:

"Brave heart, Toy-gun, erm Tegan! Hee hee hee. Yes, Brave heart indeed!"

"That's the trouble with my generation, er regeneration. You go on long 
walks and strolls too, hmm? and before you arrive you never know what
going to goat..."

"I feel like you've just destoyed an old fiend, er friend!"

"Adric was on that ship! Hee Hee Hee!"

Robert Smith? (>

[Subject: Re: Doctor Who Inaction Toys]

Now available secondhand from me at very reasonable prices - DW Inaction
Toys (mostly slight seconds, as noted):

Adric: hands waggle for no readily apparent reason
Mel: recorded voice will not switch off
Ace: slightly burnt*
Kamelion: as new, in full working order (completely inactive)
BBC Drama executives (boxed set of 47): doesn't appear to do anything

* Perhaps left in Dapol factory or Longleat Exhibition. Or perhaps
  inadvertently posted an ambiguous article to r.a.dw

Peter Anghelides (>

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