The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - May/Jun. 98

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the
"best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to
appear in the newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a
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Comment or Review.

The quotefile is updated monthly (usually midmonth, although it varies
depending on my schedule) and past and present quotefiles can be found at:

On with the quotes!


[Subject:  Re: Les Miserables and Who]

Skreslet wrote:

>However, thre was one actor who I am sure I have seen in a Doctor
>Who story. He was the man who was trapped under the cart and later
>became the gardener at the convent. Can anyone tell me who this is
>and who he played in Doctor Who?

Jon Valjon?
Paulius Havemercy?


          ***LES WHOVIENS***
  A Musical About Our Greatest Struggle

The heart-wrenching story of a fallen fan, imprisoned for fifteen
years for stealing a bag of jellybabies, then released only to be
tormented by a bitter inspector vowed to 'clean up fandom'. He find
redemption in the child of a 'lady of negotiable fandom' (forced to
wear federation bunnysuits for money) and an unknown convention guest.
All this set against the backdrop of the turbulent time of revolution
that was: The U.S. Telemovie With The Pertwee Logo.


 "Do You Hear The Newsgroup Sing"

 ...Do you hear the newsgroup sing
 Singing the song of angry fen
 It is the music of a people who
 Will not lose Who again
 When the beating of your heart
 Matches the beating of the drum
 There is a show about to start
 When tomorrow comes!

 Doctor Who will live in freedom in the
     books Paul Cornell
 In bondage in Kate Orman's and in Mortimore's
     as well
 I'd mention the rest, but it would shoot
     my scansion to hell...

 "Empty Posts On Empty Newsgroups"

 ...Here they spoke about a comeback
 Here it was they doused the flames
 Here they sang about the series
 And the series never came.
 From the posts upon the newsgroups
 They could see the show reborn
 And they rose with voices filking
 And I can hear them now
 The very words that they had sung
 Becam a dirge of mourning
 With the final fox repeat at dawn...



Erin Tumilty 10/5/98


Jonathan Blum wrote:
>Imagine stealth Dalek squads hidden on the dark side of strategically
>important moons, deprived of solar energy for huge stretches of time, and
>then bursting into action at a moment's notice -- so long as their cheese
>hasn't gone off.

Jon, I hate to be the one to have to tell you this, but the moon isn't
really made of cheese.

And you know the Man in moon?  Doesn't exist.  Not even a Dalek in the

Neither is the moon really a balloon.

And a cow-shaped crater within the Mare Bovinarum is evidence of the
result of the covert Operation Heydiddle Diddle.

Don't believe the lies.  The truth is out there.

Danny Gooley (> 11/5/98


[Subject: Re: My Doctor Can Beat Up Your Doctor]

John Long (> wrote:

>Riordan knows what he's talking about!  I bet Pertwee could beat the
>shit out of McCoy, without even breaking a sweat.  Come to think of it,
>Pertwee could mop the floor with any doctor.

Which would be rather unnecessary, seeing as he could do the job just by
standing on his head.

Rob Stradling (> 12/5/98


Nicholas Fitzpatrick wrote:

>> Speaking of rumours, someone (name witheld) posted this at
>> Space's bulletain board (  (Space is the Canadian
>> channel that currently runs Doctor Who).

>>       Date: Sat, 09 May 1998 16:32:15

>>I wanted to post this on the forum for everyone's info. I got an email
>>from a friend of mine (who is also a DW fan) who is currently filming
>>the first season of his new tv series at BBC TV Centre. As many Doctor
>>Who fans may already know Phil Segal (Producer of the 96 tv movie) has
>>been in discussion with the Beeb about Doctor Who once again. My
>>friend told me that the dicussions have been quite high level and it
>>involves more than just bringing Who back. My friend hinted that it
>>*may* involve tv, and movie rights, but he would inquire further next
>>time he was at the Beeb filming and let me know what he can find out.

>>I'll keep you posted.

Shannon Patrick Sullivan wrote:
>I should point out that both the person who posted this rumor and his
>friend at the BBC are very reliable sources. However, before everyone gets
>all fired up, I should also recommend that we wait and see exactly what
>develops (if anything). And most all, remember that in the entertainment
>industry, _nothing_ ever is certain.

It's amazing what you can learn in the BBC canteen just by sitting quietly
at a table all on your own, isn't it? At one stage, I thought I could see
the words "New Series of DW is about to be agreed" appearing in the
chalked-up menu at the front of the room, but then I noticed Lawrence
Miles sitting at the next table and shifted to a different seat.

Peter Anghelides (> 12/5/98

==================================================================== () wrote:
>On a closely-related topic, consider that the Welsh in "The Green Death"
>were hardly portrayed any better than the Chinese in "Talons of Weng-
>Chiang".  And "The Green Death", unlike "Talons", was set in the present
>day (1970s).

>And how come nobody mentioned Kalid from "Time-Flight" yet?  Was >there
any particular reason for the Master to choose such a disguise, one
>with a supposed Arabic name and origin yet looking like a very crude
>Chinese stereotype?

Other minority groups who've been given a raw deal by 'Who:

Rustics (watch Spearhead from Space and say it isn't so.)

Rubber fetishists

Blokes with beards


Villagers (sacrifice you to their evil god soon as look at you, most
of 'em)

Blokes who run plastics factories

Government ministers

Blokes who look like Norman Jones (though they could be considered a
subset of the blokes with beards)

Fanatical religious maniacs

People who wear uniforms which aren't UNIT uniforms

Daniel Frankham (> 13/5/98


[Subject:  Re: TARDIS PLANS]

Chris Gunn wrote:

> WEll, for anyone that is interestead, I have the TARDIS Diagram from
> the Tech Manual under the prop room and online tech manual....At my
> dw page below...

I grabbed a file which Netscape said was 230mb, but when it turned out
to fill my entire 3Gb hard drive. And according to the file system, it
arrived the week before I downloaded it. Is this right?

Peter Anghelides (> 13/5/98


Terry Burnett (> wrote:
>>Oh, it's a wasteland now is it? Well, for one thing, have you ever been
>>to Australia?

Azaxyr (> wrote:
>Yep.  Been to about 75% of the world (by countries, of course,
>not by actual land area)

Which would explain why, everywhere I go through customs,
I have to check a little box on the form saying that
neither I nor anyone in my party is, in fact, Henry

Erin Tumilty (> 14/5/98


Q: What would Eldrad be doing if he were alive today?

A: Falling.

Peter Anghelides (> 14/5/98


[Subject:  Re: Nazi Fashion Sense and Who]

Brian Glen Palicia wrote:
>Well, its an easy way to draw heat for your bad guys, dressing
>them like Nazis.  Maybe its hard to come up with a new costume
>that doesn't resemble some real culture's wardrobe, thereby
>giving the impression you hate that culture.

Interesting thought.  Let's take it for a test drive and see what
biases the various production teams had.

The Daleks
Well, Mr Cusick certainly had some problems with the concept of
clearing out blocked drains, didn't he?  We can speculate from the
skirting that he hated women (or perhaps Scots); but mayhaps he just
had a problem with Georgian State Dancers.  Perhaps a dislike of
tricycles (although that is not immediately obvious); an aversion to
salt and/or pepper, or perhaps just their shakers; and an inordinate
fear of egg-whisks.

The Cybermen
A host of neuroses here.  The original Cybermen speak of a dislike of
linen, flashlights, and a fear of neckties which is blown out of all
proportion.  Later Cybermen are evidence of aversion to golf balls and
cricket apparel, zippers and shoelaces, and a recurring bias against
people with handles attached to the side of their head.  Also a
problem with various overalls.  And no need to mention the hatred of
silverfish (or is that rats?).

Sontarans are obviously yet another example of gratuitious
potato-victimisation, no matter how you dress it up.  Ice Warriors are
evidently a slight on lizards (or else green people?), while Ice Lords
are a premptive retaliatory strike against the fashion later
introduced by Sith Lord Vader (in black).  And the Yeti are social
comentary on the wearing of furs.


Danny Gooley (> 14/5/98


[Subject:  Re: INFERNO FAQ (1 of 1)]

> 2.0 Why does the cover say it's in black and white, then?

The cover does indeed say that the story is in Black and White. It is
The story is in Colour. This also is correct.

A freak time accident occured while the folks at CBS/FOX were
preparing the video. The colour cover proof switched dimensions with a
Black and White cover proof.

Imagine an alternate universe virtually the same as ours, but where
everyone sees most things in Black and White (the colours, not the
concepts). When television was first developed, they could only do it
in colour. Over time, better technology allowed producers to make
shows in Black and White. Doctor Who switched over to Black and White
for Spherehead In Space. Colour copies of the Pertwee stories were
also made for countries that had not yet switched to the Black and
White standard. By Tom Baker's time, no one wanted Colour anymore, so
all further Doctor Who stories were only filmed in Black and White.
Due to the BBC junkings, several Pertwee tales only survive in Colour
(though Steve Roberts is trying to get the funding to Black and White
those as well).

Interestingly enough, that dimension's William Hartnell firmly
believed that the series should be in Black and White, while
Jacqueline Hill thought that the Colour made it more mysterious.

BFElliott (> 14/5/98


[Subject: Re: Racism]

>>> Personally I'm ashamed that they didn't use natives of Peladon for the
>>>two TV adventures based there, and as for the Ice Warriors they were
>>>so obviously just humans wearing green-face and a few props. Ice
>>>Warriors should obviously have been at least offerred the role.

Charles Daniels wrote:
>>Well in the Hartnell stories you see so many footprints and feets moving
>>under the Daleks, sad sad racism against Kaled mutants.

Cliff Bowman (> wrote:
>It's have been even worse if we'd seen human feet rather than feets -
>after all, at least they went out of the solar system to find Dalek
actors in >those days...

True, true, but we KNEW they were Thal feet, why can only the GOOD get
I want some malevolent entities on Earth playing acting parts, and not just
Bill Gates, I mean I want the great Old Ones in New York on stage and
doing Roach Poison commericals, I want the Kinzti in San Francisco making
bold non-conformist independant films, I want to see a cyberman play
Hamlet in the mainstream Hollywood telling with space ships and laser
guns.  And WHY, WHY I beg you do I Need to BEG Hollywood Producers to cast
a  Bug Blutter Beast of Traal in the role of Othello, HELLO PEOPLE!?  When
will the INSAITY end??  How long until we can go into a theatre to see the
pan dimensional liquid beast from the mogadon cluster in a light hearted
romantic comedy?!   I say that day should be TO-DAY!

Charles Daniels 17/5/98


Steve Manfred (> wrote:
>Yes.  There's never been a rule that things physically
>attached to the police box disappear whilst in the vortex.
>Tom Baker's scarf in "Shada"/"The Five Doctors" comes to
>mind.  The Doctor also brushes off some dust on a panel
>just after landing in "The Brain of Morbius," so clearly
>that went along with it too.  :)

Either that or the night shift at Dimensionally Transcendant
Janitorial Services had been slacking off again and letting
the Vortex get all dusty...

William December Starr (> 17/5/98


[Subject: Re: And, in hindsight... ]

Richard Smeltzer (> wrote:

>"Yes, the Myrka will be ready and don't worry, it'll be so good you can
>keep the lights turned up for the whole story."

>"This 'Kinda' is a very good story, but I think it needs some sort of
>monster in it."

>"No, Mr Clunes, your costume will look brilliant on screen."

"Dinosaurs? Walking the streets, chasing cars, eating people? No

"And the robot ends up 100 feet tall, it gets attacked by a tank, and
then picks up Sarah and carries her away? No worries, we can do that."

"Doesn't CSO look great!"

Daniel Frankham (> 20/5/98


[Subject: Re: Fitz biography posted...]

Dangermouse wrote:
>If the info Shaun has posted (which i haven't looked at yet) is that same
>as the pages Steve emailed me a couple of months ago, I always though
>he'd look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo...

This is obviously the approach Dangermouse will take in
his next book.

Doctor: So, your plan to conquer the Spling Galaxy was defeated
        after all. But Sam and Fitz prevented you.

Master: Yes, Doctor. And I'd have gotten away with it if it
        hadn't been for those dratted kids.

K-9:    Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee. Rooby-dooby-doo. Pass the K-9

Peter Anghelides (> 21/5/98


Magrat wrote:
>>>Cast off the underpants! Follow the slippers!!!

Erin Tumilty wrote:
>>O Great Slipper, without whom we are naught!

Magrat wrote:


>>"Exterminate! ExtER-MI-NATE!"


>>"No,no-erm...NO! NO!"

>"He's not the eighth Doctor, he's a very naughty boy!"

>"Release Adric!"
>"Vewy well, I shall release Adwic!"
>"sir, we haven't got one."

" We, the Doctor Who Magazine Front of Islington, brackets
officials end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fannish
and professional greetings to you, the Eighth Doctor, on
this, the occasion of your regeneration."
"Your death will stand as a landmark in the ongoing
struggle to liberate the continuity from the hands of
the BBC imperialistic aggressors."

"Where is the Leekley Doctor? I have an order for his
"Uh, I'm the Leekley Doctor."
"Yeah, I'm the Leekley Doctor."
"No you're not! _I'm_ the Leekley Doctor!
"No, I am!
"I'm the Leekley Doctor, and so is my companion!"

Erin Tumilty (> 21/5/98


Paul Andinach writes:
>A few years ago, prompted by one of the possible explanations for
>the Dalek trial scene in the TVM, I was wondering idly about what a
>society of humanised Daleks from "Evil" would be like.

A really, really misunderstood one.

HUMAN - Aaargh!  A Dalek!  Kill kill kill kill...
DALEK - Actually, old chap, we're the nice ones.

Finn Clark (> 22/5/98


[Rayctate asked why loom-born Time Lords would need females with

The real reason that Time Lords don't appear to have altered their
biology significantly is of course that it would invalidate their
entire wardrobe. Far better to just go with the status quo.

In production terms, of course, there haven't been many actresses who
have been prepared to undergo the surgery required for breastless Time
Ladies. Prior to a change of policy with Romana, the altered female
Time Lords were played by men.  Although it didn't really matter much,
because the only Time Ladies we saw were Castellan Spandrell, Borusa,
Andred and the mutant throwback (Rodin).

Oh, and the Doctor.  Obviously.

Daniel Gooley (> 23/5/98


[Subject:  Re: The RANI]

Actually it seems obvious to me that there's actually no such person.
Perhaps there was before the Doctor left Gallifrey, but consider this:

We know she "turned mice into monsters"

This can only mean that it was her genius with bioengineering that
turned an ordinary mouse into... The Brain!

Now, we also know from televised episodes that Brain occasionally uses
lifesized robotic humans which he pilots from a control room in the
head (long before Men In Black ripped it off) and keeps in the
janitor's cupboard.

Clearly at some point in the past, brain constructed such a robotic
duplicate of the original Rani, and has used it to disguise himself as
he attempts to take over (a) world. As further evidence, I submit the
mentions of Brain's egotism, which gets into all his/the Rani's plans
- On 18th Century Earth s/he wanted "brain fluid", on Lakertya s/he
cloned a giant brain...

And of course, it is very obvious that at some point (perhaps during
that visit to Earth) Brain also replaced the Master with a robotic
vehicle for Pinky...

Dangermouse (> 23/5/98


[Subject:  Re: Dr Who Jokes]

Susan Foreman wrote:
> Q: I wonder what Rassilon feeds his Seal?

"He who wins shall lose, and he who loses shall
 be chopped up into tiny bits and fed to Binky."

Hey, you don't think _all_ of Borusa could fit into
that little panel...

Erin Tumilty (> 23/5/98


[Subject: Season 38D: funbags a-go-go]

A voluptuous treat of a season, a big and juicy feast for the eye.  So the
coverage might have been a bit skimpy.  People came from far and wide to
tune in and see the delights of Season 38D.  The new female Doctor was a
sight to behold, though her assistants were quite a handful.

American co-production money meant that many more stories than before were
set in the States.  Who could forget the Rani's attempted takeover of the
US computer industry, set in Silicon Valley?  The highlight of the season,
of course, was the Terrible Zodin's first appearances, flashing briefly on
to our screens and leaving havoc in her wake.  Tragically, however, the
third story of the season was lost due to industrial action.  Playing a
lifeguard and part-time stripper who'd fallen into the hands of a demented
plastic surgeon, we had Pamela Anderson giving the performance of her
career.  She sucked every last drop from what she was given, showing us
something we hadn't seen before: a performance.  Drama, tragedy, comedy,
wit, intelligence, charm, humanity and
a truly unbelievable pair of hooters - she nearly managed some of them.
Sadly, the AIZU (Androids and Inflatable Zombies Union) called a strike,
on the grounds that if any of their members actually started acting then
goodness knows what might happen.

However, there were compensating attractions.  Nicola Bryant returned to
the role of Peri, ten years older and twenty times more attractive.  (She
is!  She really is!)  There were complaints from feminist pressure groups,
demanding a return to the relatively modest outfits Nicola had worn in
Season 22, but thankfully no one listened to them.

The final story of the season was a typically thoughtful Doctor Who
adventure, with an ecological twist.  Going back to the themes of weather
control and climate change we'd seen in many Patrick Troughton stories
(The Moonbase, The Ice Warriors, The Seeds of Death) we saw global warming
on an epic scale.  With the world turned into a massive sauna, can our
heroines bust through and save the day, or will they chest have to make
the breast of it?  Tune in next week!

Finn Clark (> 23/5/98


[Subject: Re: Question about the loom]

Top Ten Reasons Why Time Ladies Have Breasts:

10) Aesthetic reasons

9) To provide a counterbalance to their large womanly bottoms

8) Otherwise they'd have had to throw out all their frocks when the
Pythia's curse hit

7) When a Time Lady becomes President, she must wear the Brassiere of
Rassilon. This is much easier with breasts.

6) Make it easier to wear strapless robes

5) They need somewhere to put their nipples

4) Curse or not, they're still fun

3) Only they can open the Mouth of Rassilon. (Don't ask.)

2) They protect those vital hearts from injury in a lurching time

And reason number 1:

1) Because they can.

Daniel Frankham (> 24/5/98


Marcus Durham wrote:
>Imagine the Draconians reappearing, the Trekkies would have a field

Let 'em - they could do with a trip outside.

Cliff Bowman (> 25/5/98


BF Elliott (> wrote:
>>This leads me to a question: I always thought the Doctor's teacher
>>was the oft-mentioned hermit who showed up in Planet Of The Spiders, a
>>story set *after* The Paradise Of Death. Is this the same teacher?

Eng6gcgs wrote:
>I thought the ornamental hermit was more a mentor, and people like
>Borusa, Azmael, and so on were the Doctor's teachers.

"Ornamental hermit"?

"...and here's the gazebo, which we just had repainted a few months
ago, and there beyond the shrubbery is the Victorian Maze, at the
center of which is the conservatory, which contains some rather rare
South American orchids, and across the stream there -- no, there,
yes, that's right, the cave -- is where we keep our hermit. Oh look, he's
just come out to go to the lavatory. We tried to get one with a
crazy-looking beard, but unfortunately they're rather hard to come by
this season."

Daniel Frankham (> 25/5/98


Waxvax  wrote:
> The guardians can read thoughts.

Does anyone else think this sounds like some odd threat a parent in the
Who universe would use to keep their kids from masturbating?

David Miller (> 26/5/98


>>I first read this as "origami".  Which is, in itself, a wonderful
>>idea for a Dr Who monster and here I am just throwing it to the

Paul Andinach wrote:
>I've never seen the story myself, but the giant snake thing in "Kinda"
>is frequently referred to with that very word.

I think that "origami" implies a level of skill in its construction
which might be a little misleading.

Dave Herrick (> 28/5/98



Waxvax (> wrote:
>It is and always was PLAIN.

>By the way, try posting something akin to the actual story, ok? This
>deviation has gone on too long.

"To think that I, Wanksvax, who once mixed with the very highest bottles
in the pub, am now dependent ont he very dregs of Usenet. Base, perverted
scum, who criticise every spelling they touch. And is Palin who brought me
to this. Palin destroyed my life! Do you think I'm mad?"

Peri lies: "No."

"I am mad. Do you think I'm a joke?"

Peri lies again: "No."

"You are so important to me. I have lived alone in the newsgroups for so
long, like an animal. But now I can feast my eyes on my spellchecker, and
forget the Palin and the emptiness in my mind; that is all in the past.
we can think of the reply posts."

Or, from later in the story:

Timmin: "I don't think so, Palin; you're finished."

"What do you mean?"

Timmin: "Washed up. Kaput. The Praesidium has issued warrants for your
arrest on seventeen counts, ranging from the murder of humour, to typing
errors, bad syntax, punctuation-assault- oh yes, and that little business
of quote evasion, they know about that as well..."

And finally, as the Doctor regenerates surrounded by hallucinations

Master: "Palin, Doctor; it was Palin... Palin... Ahahahahahahahahaha!!!!"

Doctor: "Three typos in one line... Makes you seem a very idiotic young

Dangermouse (> 29/5/98


John Long wrote:
>>This newsgroup is nothing but a playground.

Charles Daniels
>Yes well any good playground must have the one child who sits in the
>sandbox rabidly protecting some toy no one else seriously wants anyway,
>I imagine.

>So what games do you like John?

John: *This* is the Game of Johny Long.

Charles: But even at their most foolish, the radw posters never played
Waxvax.  Like Azaxyr, he plays too well!

Waxvax:  A great Game.

        Try it, everyone.  its as esasy as "palin"!

Charles:  "Easy as palin"?  "Easy as palin"?

DM:  That's what he said.


Charles:  Hmm.  "To play is to lose, and he who abstains shall win"

DM/Waxvax:  No!  He who speaks last shall win!

John:  Ah, the sound of unrest!!!  When it comes to newsgroup arguments,
quantity is so much more satisfying than quality.

Charles:  Umm, John, you just slipped out of character.

John:  I always *drezz* for the occasion, for I am the Eternal Antagonist.
Your Bad is my Good.  I travel throughout the newsgroup to make things
more "interesting", and I leave chaos in my wake.  I find that Good.  All
reasonable discussion is my enemy.  All concord shall become discord under
the reign of John Long the Destroyer!
        And now, if you'll excuse me, I have business elsewhere.  The
argument overTime Ladies' breasts shows disturbing signs of dying out.

Danny Gooley (> 1/6/98

==================================================================== (Kafenken) wrote:
> But you put it a little strongly.  A non-canonical story isn't
> "untrue", it's just optional.  No one's stopping you from believing
> that it happened.

My psychiatrist is. In fact he's trying to convince me that Doctor Who
is a fictional TV series. WE all KnOw IT WAS ThE FirST flY oN THE WaLl
DoCUMenTARy, tHoUGH, DOn'T we. Excuse me, but I've got a dalek to hide

Richard Smeltzer (> 1/6/98


[Subject: Re: THE MIND ROBBER]

Waxvax wrote:
>>I didn't. Why post that remark?

Charles Daniels wrote:
>Wow on my newsreader I get the delicious sense of confusion about
>what the hell this means, before that instant knowledge that this
>is Waxvax and I don't care so much, yet an slightly happy that it
>doesn't include the word "plain", "daleks", or the phrase "a good video"

Actually, I think Waxvax has a rather good line in the surreal happening
here.  To open a sensibly titled post like "THE MIND ROBBER" and be
confronted with a screen which is blank, except for

        "This has nothing to do with the Mind Robber",

or perhaps

        "I didn't.  Why post that remark?"

is actually very liberating and mind-expanding.  Devoid of all context or
reason, they become stark works of pure art, which challenge the reader's
assumed culturally defined concept of communication.  One is left with a
profound sense of confusion; indeed, I might be so bold as to suggest that
this is as good a way as any to clear the mind completely.

Moreover, Waxvax has not been satisfied to rest on his laurels, but has
experimented with new forms of non-communication.  The frequently
recurring "palin/plain" motif risked alienating his audience, but has now
successfully broken through the boredom barrier, achieving a hypnotic,
mantra-like resonance.  Now, when I open a post and find the (completely
unexpected) "It was PLAIN", my thoughts abandon ship, my jaw simply drops,
and I instantly enter a trance-like state.

However, in some respects, I don't think that Waxvax is really pushing the
envelope of this new artform.  Perhaps he could post an enigmatic
"Because", or even a challenging "Why?"  I always enjoy surreal responses
to unasked questions, like "One of its legs are both the same", or "Seven
green under yesterday!!!!"  Or "Furb wang durstle?"  Although, to be fair,
Waxvax has attempted this sort of thing on occasion.

Danny Gooley (> 3/6/98


[Subject: Re: THE MIND ROBBER]

Daniel Gooley wrote:
>Actually, I think Waxvax has a rather good line in the surreal happening
>here.  To open a sensibly titled post like "THE MIND ROBBER" and be
>confronted with a screen which is blank, except for

> "This has nothing to do with the Mind Robber",

>or perhaps

> "I didn't.  Why post that remark?"

>is actually very liberating and mind-expanding.  Devoid of all context or
>reason, they become stark works of pure art, which challenge the reader's
>assumed culturally defined concept of communication.  One is left with a
>profound sense of confusion; indeed, I might be so bold as to suggest
>this is as good a way as any to clear the mind completely.

No, no, no. This is clearly an example of the artist using the 'form
follows content' aesthetic. The Mind Robber is a tale of stories, of words
blank paper, of a forest of words in which the audience, via the medium
of the Doctor's companion Zoe, becomes lost, confused. The large white
spaces of the post recall the wonderful opening 'white' episode in which
an air of menace is created by the very absense of imagery.  The essential
meaninglessness of words is brought to the fore by these surreal posts on
the surreal story. By forcing the audience that is RADW to create their
own meanings in the posts, he is pointing up the essential theme of the
original story and one is left with a profound insight into whatever it
was the story was about.

I hereby nominate this work for next year's Turner Prize.

Magrat (> 3/6/98


[Re: A possible third Cushing Doctor film]

>>>Wasn't the third film to be a Trougton adaptation, Power or Evil ?

Richard B wrote:
>>Nooo! The third film was planned to be "Dr. Who's Greatest Adventure" -
>>full of large monsters.

John Rees wrote:
>I believe that Animus held the rights to a Terry Nation script from Seson
>1, namely *The Keys of Marinus*.

No, no, the Animus held the rights to Vortis until the Doctor came along
with his low production values and linefluffs and cameras covered with
vaseline.  Those rights have expired and now the rights to Vortis are
held by Menoptera Inc.  They were temporarily sublet to BulisCo, but
nobody cared much.

Corey Klemow (> 3/6/98



Richard Stubbings wrote:


>CONTACT US ON 01603 625557


Ah, so our agents have finally tracked him down. He shall pay for all
his short sentences, desultory women characters, and ruining my
appreciation of the written word throughout my entire childhood. Mind
you, wouldn't you rather read him than Jane Austen?

No, he must pay. Frau Barfisener, the phone...

Terry Joynson (> 3/6/98


[Re: Requirements for the Master]

Dangermouse (> wrote:
> * Sharp intelligence.
> * Ruthlessness.
> * A certain amount of dignity.
> * Black.  Lots of black.

'I am the Master. My weapon is sharp intelligence. Sharp intelligence
and ruthlessness... My TWO weapons are sharp intelligence,
ruthlessness...and a certain amount of dignity. My THREE weapons are
sharp intelligence, ruthlessness, a certain amount of dignity...and
lots of black. My FOUR... I'll come in again.'

Dan Blythe (> 4/6/98


Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>Just thought I'd say a big goodbye to everyone I like here, and
>give some reason for rejoicing for those who see me as the
>anti-christ, I will be gone for just under two weeks!   I wouldn't trust
>though, I might post something very naughty in that time period, but
>maybe not, who knows ;)   Anyway "I'll Be Back"

Meanwhile repeats of Mr Daniels posts can be seen on RADW Gold. Yes,
RADW Gold, the all new archive TV station dedicated to RADW. And now
over to your host, Glen Fanboy:

"Hi, we've got an action packed night for you here on RADW Gold. At
9pm Noel Edmunds presents the entire history of beards on RADW. At 10PM
we're showing "When Posters Go Bad" hosted by John Long. At 11pm we are
proud to show "The Two Johnies" where John Blum and John Peel battle it
out over Dalek Continuity. And finally tonight at 12PM we present the
famous "Wavosux Python" show featuring the dead palin sketch."

Marcus Durham (> 4/6/98


Ian McIntire (> wrote:
>>As I was saying, my new canon (ie, none at all) makes life damn easier
>>for all concerned.

Eng6gcgs wrote:
> A convert?

Make that two. Especially about the TV series. The people who started
this travesty of the books obviously have LITTLE OR NO IDEA of what DW
is supposed to be all about. A policeman walking in fog, I ask you!
Looking at these 'earlier' incarnations of the NA and BBC Doctors, it is
plain to see that their characteristics bear *ONLY SUPERFICIAL*
resemblance to counterparts in print. The *WHOLE MAGIC* of Who is that
one has to use one's imagination to visualise the alien worlds. To see
them so pitifully rendered by BBC television is sad indeed. Whatever
posessed Virgin to hand over the rights to these people?

'The Invasion Of Time' makes a hamfisted attempt to explain how Leela
came to be on Gallifrey, as if it matters! I wouldn't mind such mindless
fanwank if it was relevant to the story, but it isn't. It's as if Louise
Jameson decided she'd had enough of the role, and so they married her
off. This cheapens the whole mystery and magic of the Leela/Andred
romance. Also, none of the episodes that go to air make any reference at
all to Lungbarrow, the place where the Doctor grew up. They set numerous
stories on Gallifrey, but the Doctor's home never gets a mention.

 It's the same with the first episode, which is set in a junkyard, of
all places. By avoiding the mention of Lungbarrow, the 'half human'
factor and the Other, they seem to think they are somehow creating a
sense of mystery, hence Susan's reply of "Another time, another place",
when asked where she comes from. But all it does is leave the casual
viewer unsatisfied and leave the fans gritting their teeth. We know
she's the Other's granddaughter and to hear her never mentioning Ancient
Gallifrey just goes to show that the production team either didn't do
their research very thoroughly or actually wanted to be producing
another SF show altogether, but had to call it 'Doctor Who.' (In fact,
it's as if it was only at the conclusion to season 6 that they
remembered Gallifrey even existed at all!)

 'The Dalek Invasion of Earth'(Henceforth known as 'The London Play')
incidently is a complete rip-off of 'Daleks:2150 AD' and John Peel's
startlingly original 'Legacy of the Daleks'. It attempts to explain
Susan's decision to stay on Earth in an obviously tacked-on sequence at
the end. And guess what? She falls in love! It was unlikely enough with
Leela, but to see it repeated some 14 years earlier down the line is
just stupid!

The only time when the series comes close to evoking the spirit of the
books of old is when they draw directly on the books for their ideas -
most notably 'Pyramids of Mars' and 'Talons of Weng Chiang.' These
prequels to 'Sands Of Time' and 'Shadow of Weng Chiang' are above
average. Then again, it's difficult to go wrong when using two such
classic books as a starting point.

To summarize: wonky sets, unimaginative, repetetive storylines, self
contradiction, fanwanky 'explanations' of things that were best left
unexplained, and the ruining of classic stories like 'Lungbarrow'.For
the sake of the book series' integrity, I can only conclude that they
are not canon. And they have the audacity to just call them 'Doctor
Who', making no reference *AT ALL* to the long-running book series.
'Legends of The NA's' would be a better way of describing themselves. My
advice is to save your broadcasting licence money and use it to purchase
a copy of a classic like 'Cat's Cradle: Time's Crucible' instead.

Slake (> 5/6/98


[Subject: Re: New Dr Who?]

The Doctor wrote:
>Also, Jean-MArc Lofficier I charge thee to divulge your knowledge on this
>'upcoming movie.

I doth suspect that mayhap Sir Lofficier knows naught more than do we.
I do also think it most likely that if the gentleman had knowledge of
this enterprise that was not of a nature most confidential, he would ere
have ventured back unto these parts and bequeathed said knowledge unto

Corey Klemow (> 5/6/98


[Subject: Re: REVIEW: Catastrophea (no spoilers)]

I've read a bit about Catastrophea.  Dave Owen thinks it's shallow and
derivative, which is true (but rather like criticising the sea for being

Finn Clark (> 7/6/98


[Subject: Re: Samuel L Jackson as the Doctor]

Remembrance would be even more fun...

"Use the Hand, Davros! C'mon, use the Hand - I dare ya. I double-dare
ya motherfucker, use the goddam Hand!"

And one that might *actually* apply to the Virgin Doctor (knowing
what we do about the Time Lords these days)

"I got this little passage memorised from the Scrolls of Rassilon.
'The web of time is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish,
the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of Time and
causality, shepherd the mortals through the valley of darkness, for he is
truly Time's Champion, and saviour of many fathers. And I will strike down
upon thy planet with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt
to poison and pervert the course of history. And you will know I and *the*
Time Lord, when I lay my vengeance upon you.'
  I been saying that shit for years, and if you ever heard it, it meant
your ass. I thought it was just a freaky alien thing to say to a
motherfucker 'fore you capped his planet. But I saw some shit this mornin'
made me think twice.
  Now I'm, thinkin; it could mean *you're* the evil man, and I'm the
righteous man. And Mr Hand of Omega here, he's the shepherd protecting my
righteous ass. Or it could mean that you're the righteous man, and I'm the
shepherd, and it's the space-time continuum that's evil and selfish. I'd
like that, but that shit ain't the truth.
  The truth is, that you're weak, and I'm the tyranny of the selfish. But
I'm tryin'. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd."

Dangermouse (> 8/6/98


[Subject:  Re: Dr.Who when pissed!]

There's nothing more condusive to Who than alcohol (hic!)!. Have a few
pints before plonking one in the video and suddenly eveerything makes
sense! Of course (hic!)  advanced alien species control their entire
planet with a few fairy lights and (hic!) switches from an old Volvo
350! Of course demonic alien beings would want to (hic!) blow
themselves up rather than face working out what the little blonde girl
was talking about! Of course all those soldiers can be running (hic!)
around in both the 70s and 80s, and Queen Elizabeth celebrated her
silver jubilee in a sort of state of quantum uncertainty which
precludes it taking place in *our* (hic!)  universe. Oh, and we've got
BBC3 as well (Cheers! hic!).

Damn I've got (hic!) hiccups. Somebody shock me. What? The BBC is
treating DW with respect and has commisioned another series starring
[insert cool actor here]? Might work...

Anyway, advanced users may want to try watching Carnival of Monsters
on LSD (the colours, the colours!), The War Games on speed (makes the
time fly), and Timelash on tranquilisers. Scots abusers amongst you
thinking of trying the fashionable drug heroin should know that even
City of Death can't quite compete with a million orgasms rolled into

(hic!) Shit! Knew it was just another rumour...

Terry Joynson (> 8/6/98


You might be a Timelord if:

...your cardiologist charges you double.'ve ever stood trial for meddling.

...your Winnebago makes a wheezing, groaning sound.'ve ever had to clean up your own chalk outline.'ve ever started up a conversation with a complete stranger,
only to find that you've been talking to a mirror.

...your lifetime-membership in the Audubon Society has expired seven
times.'ve ever cleaned out your closet and found a roadster. have gold dust in your ammunition cabinet.

...your school fight song had the word "genotype" in it anywhere.'ve ever called your mother to find out the best way to get
krynnoid stains out of your clothes. think that a "blue light special"  is a customized type-45

...the first time you saw the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From
Venus," you imagined an ice warrior with five legs. have a family tree that would have sent Gregor Mendel into
cardiac arrest. know a Androgum when you see one.'re half-human on your mother's side.

B. Armstrong (> 8/6/98


Will Cameron wrote:
>> According to Dragonfire she's 16, but at the time of Battlefield she
>>almost orders Cider from the hotelbar, which would put her in the
>>realm of legal drinking age (which If I recall my Ace Document is 18,
>>which would be roughly 1 year per following season). wrote:
>Yes, but note the Doctor stops her. Also, in both Battleield
>(definetely) and Survival (highly likely), she is almost certainly over
>18 years from her birth, and so could legally drink due to time travel.

In that case I'm shocked at The Romans, which shows Ian and Barbara
drinking when they're almost two millenia underage.

Richard Smeltzer (> 8/6/98


>>>>I imagine there must have been similar discussions between the
>>>>script-editor and writers on the tv show.

Mike Sivier (> wrote:
>>>This definitely took place during the last three seasons as writers
>>>have gone on record mentioning script conferences.

Azaxyr (> wrote:
>>And what do you know - the last three seasons were the worst
>>seasons of Dr Who.... Surely not a coincidence.

Mel & Sarah (> wrote:
>Oh my... You mean to say that people involved together in creating a
>series actually *communicating* made the series bad????????????????

>Gosh - maybe that's the whole problem.  Everyone, stop communicating
>with one another, NOW!!!

I don't think you'll find that's a major problem here.

Michael J. Montoure (> 12/6/98


>I've just realized that all of this time we are debating whether of not
he is
>half-human, and we still don't know if that means he is half-earthling or
>half-gallifreyan or half-zygon or any other planet in the DW universe
>humans on it.

>And just what the heck is his other half if its not human? Rutan?  Wolf
>Weed? Krynoid?  Cream spinach?

And I wonder what those Gallfreyan nights with dear ol' dad were like?

Doctor:  "Dad, its so wonderful tonite."

Daddy Wolf-Weed:  (rustling sound>

Doctor:  "Agreed, agreed."

Brian Glen Palicia (> 13/6/98


Paul wrote:
>What did the comic eighth Doctor die of?

Writer's block.

Ray C. Tate (> 14/6/98


[Subject: Today in GALLIFREY TODAY - June 15, 1998]

...Daleks Foolishly Destroy Own Planet
...Omega to Tour Anti-Establishments
...MacraFest Begins at Red Lobster
...Larry, Curly to Graduate Prydon Academy
...Our Publisher cooks with the Sixth Doctor

All from GALLIFREY TODAY - The Timestream's Finest News Source, a Service
of WhoLINK.

Dwain Gleason (> 15/6/98


>>Surely if there are so many good out-takes from Doctor who, then the
>>BBC should released a full commercial tape of them, perhaps in
>>November. They seem to have done it for just about every other BBC

>>Well, I'd buy it.

pattie anne wrote:
>me too -- remember Colin Baker saying one time that the reason there
>wasn't a Who Blooper Reel is that because the BBC left all their mistakes

It'd be fun to see a compilation of all those bits that made it to
air. Even if there's not enough surviving out-takes to make a whole
tape, the stuff that actually stayed in the show could be pretty
hilarious with the right host/narration.

HOST: Now, watch as Ian and the Doctor explore the room, completely
failing to notice that there is, in fact, a *Dalek* standing in that
little alcove... It seems the cameraman was supposed to film the scene
at an angle from which the Dalek would not be visible. If you look
carefully, you can see, behind the Dalek, the wire holding the set

HOST: Look at the robot Doctor: doesn't look a bloody thing like him,
eh? Bwhahahaah!

HOST: Now, watch Zoe's bottom... Oh, you were.

Daniel Frankham (> 16/6/98


Saulchurch (> wrote:
>Corey Klemow wrote:

>>Any chance of an "Annotated SVaS" page being added to Kate's website...

1. >Wouldn't that be a tacit admission          tacit, adj. silent
2. >that the book is incomprehensible crap      crap, n. rubbish
3. >without a separate list of explainations    explainations, pl n,
4. >and annotatations?                          annotatations, pl n,


Kate Orman (> 17/6/98


[Subject: The Eighth Doctor's VW]

If he aquired it while visiting Grace, would that make it the
Millenium Bug ?

Richard Jones (> 18/6/98


[Subject: Re: THE BBC and Missing Evidence]

Steve Roberts (> wrote:
>Anyway, there are so many
>DW fans in the Archive that they would never be able to get away with

I knew they archived episodes, but I never knew that fans were preserved
in the vaults in the same way!

Tell me Steve, has Steve Cole asked you to prepare a double-pack release
with Keith Miller of the Doctor Who Fan Club restored to colour, and all
the disparate members of the original DWAS exec combined on a bonus

I heard a rumour that Gordon Blows still exists in Tunisia!

Dave Owen (> 19/6/98


[Subject: Re: Terrance Dicks, sell out?]

I think Dapol is starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel. But I
guess some fans'll buy anything.

Daniel Frankham (> 19/6/98


[Subject: Re: Castrovalva Comment]

Mike Teague wrote:
>Well I always thawt that HTML stood for "Help, The Master's Landed" !

In Adric's case, it must have been "Hello, That's My Lunchbox".

Peter Anghelides (> 19/6/98


[Re: The theory that Peter Cushing is the Other]

Elsa Frohman wrote:
>The Other missed his Ian, Barbara and Susan after he left them to go
>to Gallifrey and help Rassilon build Time Lord society.  After he
>threw himself into the loom and re-emerged as the Doctor, he had a
>repressed memory of them, and subconsciously maneuvered himself into
>situations where he could gather a new Ian, Barbara and Susan.

Presumably, he didn't miss Louise and Tom as much.

David Atkins (> 19/6/98


[Subject: Re: David Duchovny:  A Dr Who Fan?]

Terry wrote:
> PS Is it just me or is Duchovny just jealous of Who?

Oh yes, I can just imagine the tortured thoughts that must cross
Duchovny's mind every day -- "Gee, I'm an international and very
well-paid celebrity on one of the most talked-about science-fiction
shows of my day, a show treated with respect by the mainstream media and
which almost everybody in the country at least *knows* about.  How
horrible; I had hoped to be on something with a lower budget, a more
hectic schedule, and an integral plot device that would allow the
producers to replace me easily without having to come up with a new
central character.  Something the general public would regard as a kid's
show in the UK and a cheesy import in the US; something that's usually
referred to in condecending tones if it's referred to at all.  THAT'S
what I want.  Life's just so unfair!"

In other words -- yes, it's just you.

Corey Klemow (> 19/6/98


[Re: The McGann audio tape]

>>> Just heard the first cut of the tape, too. Paul is terrific!

Rob Stradling wrote:
>>Funny, those were George Martin's exact words after the first "Abbey
>>Road" session..

Peter Anghelides wrote:
>I played my tape backwards, and you can definitely hear Gary
>Gillatt's voice saying "The Eighth Doctor is dead... the Eighth
>Doctor is dead..."

Is it true that the cover of the tape will feature Paul crossing a road
foot, with the Volkswagon Beetle from the TARDIS in the background?

Mark Phippen (> 19/6/98


[Subject: Re: Canonising Cushing]

>>Dr Who takes him back in time to a few minutes before
>>he stumbled into TARDIS so that he can prevent a crime that he wasn't
>>previously able to.

Aidan Folkes wrote:
>Which is patently impossible unless it branches a new time stream
>so it totally mucks up the Multiverse, the Cushing universe expolodes
>in a total reality failure and the normal Doctor Who is created in it's

So Cribbins arrests the villians and then resumes walking the beat,
which takes him right outside the front of a junkyard in Totters Lane. I
like it.

Slake (> 20/6/98


Slake (> wrote:
>So Cribbins arrests the villians and then resumes walking the beat,
>which takes him right outside the front of a junkyard in Totters Lane. I
>like it.

... Meanwhile, in the future, the Daleks, after a rather dissapointing dry
run, get back in gear and start the invasion over, so, in 2164, the
*other* Doctor can stop 'em again. Say what you want about Daleks, but
they're as stubborn as mules.

Sean Christian Daugherty (> 20/6/98


Susan Foreman (> wrote:
>>Well as someone said before, everyone who doens't live in a city on dr
>>who is a poacher or belongs to some satan worshiping group or to some
>>kind of coven. There isn't obviously anything such as simple county folk
>>in dr who.

Bob wrote:
>You tell that to Mr Ollis!

He must have emigrated from London. And he had to carry a shotgun all
the time, on account of all the poachers and druids and satanists and
witches and purple blobs.

Daniel Frankham (> 20/6/98


Kathleen Wolff wrote:
>>I'm sorry, but what is Dr. Who without continuity?

(> wrote:
> A moving starring Paul McGann and Eric Roberts.
> (Not that I didn't like it anyway.)

"It was on the planet Skaro that my old enemy the Master was put on trial
by the Daleks, and executed for the final time.  Time Lords have thirteen
lives, and the Master had used all of his, but even in death I didn't trust
him, so I locked him safely away with my sonic screwdriver and settled
down for a nice snack of jelly babies in my TARDIS...  Hey, Phil?  I'm not
sure about this next bit in the narration, the one that goes 'which is
powered by the Eye of Harmony, though of course that's only a link to the
real Eye of Harmony on Gallifrey as established in the 1976 classic "The
Deadly Assassin"', can I cut that bit?"

Jon Blum (jblum at> 21/6/98

==================================================================== wrote:
>For fun, Barbara Wright's name into the search entry and came up many
>entries. This is going to freak Richard Jones out

Maybe, after I've picked up that new bottle of Diazepam, I'll try it
myself. I'd probably still be too scared I'd find something along the
lines of ....

        _Coalhill's Most Wanted_
        Yes, we know where she is, but we'd like something
        tangible we can accuse her of. E-mail to policemen@the.fog
        (more like this...)

        _'Rock n Roll Family Trees' You'd Rather Defoliate_
        Johnny Chess' most disturbing interview.
        (more like this...)

        _Witty Little Knitters_
        Complete listings of all winners of the 'Miss Nostradamus'
        knitting contest since 1966.
        (more like this...)

        _The *Really* Scary Aztec Gods_
        Recent anthropolgical work seems to suggest that compared
        to other Aztec deities, Huitzilinpochtili may have been a bit
        of a softie. Not that this new figure was actually that
         bloodthirsty or anything, but there's something somehow
        *wrong* about her.
        (more like this...)

        _MESSAGE ARCHIVE : 8785c98dsvthingy_
        Hello ? is this working ? you've got to read this. our
        sister's got us both chained in her attic, and she's not been
         back in a year. You've got to help. I know it's futile
         posting to the Internet when it's still only 1964, but I had
         to do something. chewed my arm off this morning and
        only afterwards realised it was the unchained one. can't face
        starting again. hello ?
        (more like this... then they suddenly stop)

(Appologies for confusing everyone who is unaware of my paranoia
regarding Barbara "Lovely lady, trust her to organsie a chuch fete,
but dont trust her alone with your grandmother and a bicycle pump"

> but there is apparently a
>lot of Barbara Wrights working in the school systems and universities
>the word.

Right. There go my plans to return to academia in October right out of
the back-combed, soft-spoken, kitchen-knife-fondeling window.

Richard Jones (> 21/6/98


Finn Clark wrote:
>>No, but perhaps there should have been a Lytton
>>MA.  The Doctor in Attack of the Cybermen seems
>>extremely familiar with Lytton, given that they
>>basically didn't meet in Resurrection of the Daleks.

Helen Fayle wrote:
>Well volunteered, that man!

Me?  What?  Er...

(drum roll>

de diddly-dum
de diddly-dum


A Doctor Who Missing Adventure, starring the fifth Doctor and Turlough
Set between Resurrection of the Daleks and Planet of Fire

The Doctor wiped a tear from his eye.  "Well, that's Tegan gone."
he drew a huge spotted handkerchief from his pocket and blew his nose.
"We travelled together for years, you know."

"Why didn't you dump the nagging cow long ago, then?" said Turlough.

"Good point," said the Doctor, brightening.  "Come on, Turlough.  Can't hang
around here all day.  We've got adventures to go on; Missing Adventures to
be slotted into non-existent gaps.  We'll meet someone else called Tegan,
who'll eventually leave too - but we'll actually give a toss about her,
because she won't have a personality like an brain-damaged bull rhino
that's just stepped on its own testicles.  And that'll be the Tegan I'm
upset about in Planet of Fire!  Whoopee!  Lords of the Storm fits in after

Suddenly a picture appeared on the TARDIS screen.  "Look, Doctor!" shouted
Turlough.  "It's...  er, some bloke in a Dalek baseball cap!  And he's got

"My name's Lytton," said the killer on the monitor, holding a gun with a
light bulb on the end against Tegan's head.  "Give me a lift off Earth or
the human girl dies!"

Turlough looked at the Doctor.  The Doctor looked at Turlough.


Leaving Lytton and Tegan slack-jawed with astonishment, the TARDIS

Finn Clark 21/6/98


>>It's another to apply it instance-by-instance to every occurrence of the
>>phrase "half-human" in the movie: "He was wrong there." "He was lying
>>here." "He was joking that time." "It's just a coincidence that they
>>say it." "Now this contradicts something the examining physician said in
>>Episode 2 of 'Enemy of the Wheel' thirty years ago."

Charles Daniels wrote:
>That makes me think of a crazy man in a giant unweildy triangle costume
>attacking a wagon "HAah!  Wheel, you've been the end of your days! Now
>that we triangles have the support of the rectangles there is no way
>you can survive our attacks!"  - Enemy of the Wheel, episode 2

"You're old, Doctor, and your wheel is weak!"

Erin Tumilty (> 21/6/98


Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>>That makes me think of a crazy man in a giant unweildy triangle costume
>>attacking a wagon "HAah!  Wheel, you've been the end of your days! Now
>>that we triangles have the support of the rectangles there is no way
>>you can survive our attacks!"  - Enemy of the Wheel, episode 2

Richard Jones wrote:
>I thought that was the video for a 'They Might Be Giants' song.

Radical fan, radical fan
Writing the things a radical can
Are they canon?
It's not important
Radical fan

Is he wild, or is he tame?
When he's on the newsgroup
Does he get flamed?
Or does the newsgroup get him instead?
Nobody knows
Radical fan

Traditional fan, Traditional fan
Traditional fan hates Radical fan
They have a fight
Nobody wins
Traditional fan

Paid Author fan, Paid Author fan
Getting paid for his fanwank fan
Usually kind to smaller fans
Paid Author fan

He's got a meter with a canon hand
Continuity hand and a Fanwank hand
And when they meet it's a happy land
Powerful fan, Paid Author fan

Troller fan, Troller man
Into the flames from the frying pan
Writes his posts from a garbage can
Troller fan

Is depressed or is he a mess
Does he feel totally worthless?
Who came up with Troller fan?
Worthless fan, Troller fan

Traditional fan, Radical fan
All of the fans hate Troller fan
They have a fight
Nobody wins
Poor Who fans

Erin Tumilty (> 21/6/98


[Subject: Re: Black Guardian's cool hat]

Waxvax (> wrote:
>I agree with Funklord that he looked awe-inspiring. I mean, he doesn't
>have human emotion/values. He is SUPPOSED to look kind of odd. And he

Let's just take this into the realms of the hypothetical for one moment.
Let's say that I was producing a nationally broadcast, widely viewed
television show and I said to my costume designer:

"Look what I really need is an awe inspiring menace, that is to be played
by an actor and yet must seem in some way UNhuman, devoid of human
sensibilities and values, he must feel and seem texturally wrong when in
comparison to the other players, he needs to be odd and unapproachable."

And then that costume designer when off for,ohh I dnno give him 15
minutes, and came back and said "I got it!  We'll put a duck on his head!"

I would not ONLY not jump in enthusiasm at the sheer brilliance of
suggestion but may indeed just allow myself the ponderance of sacking
him on the spot.

Charles Daniels (> 22/6/98


[Subject: Re: Blooper in Remembrance?]

Kafenken (> wrote:
>It has been noticed that the time cannot really be 5.15 pm because it
>would have to be dark outside, given that it's a British November.  The
>solution to this has traditionally been to hypothesise that it's actually
5.15 >am (when it would also have been dark outside...)

PowrWrap writes:
>>Then, later in the cafe, the clock on the wall reads 3:19.

>Aha!  Clearly the continuity announcer simply cocked up and, sixties
>television being what it was, carried on blithely in the hope that no
>one would notice.  I reckon he's being given a blow job beneath the

yes that's why it was ood Ace turned off the TV cause he announcer actualy
said  "Doctor Who-ahhh..ummm...ahhhhh Thank You Susan"

Charles Daniels (> 22/6/98


Waxvax (> wrote:

>I, too, feel that Ray would have been a better companion than Ace.

Yeah, but he'd have spent every other adventure trying to persude the
monsters that they weren't canon. :-)

Richard Jones (> 22/6/98


Waxvax wrote:
> I, too, feel that Ray would have been a better companion than Ace.

I experienced a moment of extreme dizziness contemplating the implications
of this, before I realised Waxvax wasn't talking about Rayctate after all.

Doctor:  Ray!  Come and look at this.  Fascinating!
Rayctate:  You'll need your glasses, Doctor.  Here they are.
Doctor:  Ray, Ray, Ray!  I've told you - I don't want or need them.
Rayctate:  But you're half-human, aren't you?  Well then!
Doctor:  ?......  Getting back to the topic at hand, these glyphs tell of
the Pythia's maiden voyage outside the constellation of Kasterborous in
very first Time Scaphe.
Rayctate:  No.  Didn't happen.  There never was a Pythia.
Doctor: What?  But you've seen the Old Time on Gallifrey, that time when
you visited my family's House.
Rayctate:  Lungbarrow does not exist.  The Looms and the Pythia's curse
are just a bad nightmare we shared.
Doctor:  Oh?  How do you reason that then?
Rayctate:  Well, female Time Lords have breasts, don't they?  Well then!
Doctor:  ?.......   Err, I think we need a holiday.  I know - let's pop in
on Kursaal.
Rayctate:  Okay.  Although you realise it may not necessarily exist.
Doctor:  I have been there before.
Rayctate:  In this long dream-state.  The last thing that I know
happened to us was you saying "Come on Ray, we've got work to do!"
Doctor:  (sigh)  Ray, here's some nitro-nine.  Just say "Bog off" and go
blow something up, will you?

Daniel Gooley (> 23/6/98


[Re: Slash fiction involving the fifth and eighth Doctors]

Graham Nelson (> wrote:
>Sex between the two vaguest, most easily distracted people in the
>world... hmm.

>Now the sixth and third, that might really have something.

"Venusian oral technique, I DO hope I haven't hurt you!"

"Hurt ME!! ME!!  You call *THAT* arousing, that pathetic display?
I have gotten more satisfaction from wandering through a lake of leeches
than to subject myself to your vast incompetence!"

"I'll have you know I've been praised on every sentient planet in the
cosmos, indeed Alexander the Great himself once availed himself to my

"I understand his life time of sexual frustration now.   Anyway, do
you HAVE to pounce about in that..that..crushed velvet nightmare,
it just makes it so obvious."

"You're one to talk!   Anyway I haven't seen you step up to the challenge
and try to out do me in one to one sexual combat!"

"I wouldn't waste my time, now piss off."

Charles Daniels (> 23/6/98


Chris Casino wrote:
>I heard a rumor that DW would be on The Sci-Fi Channel in 1999

That's absolutely right.  A new series of DW is in production now, and
it's entirely set on the Sci-Fi Channel in 1999.

Here's a summary of the gripping pilot:

"That enigmatic wanderer in time and space, the Doctor (Adrian Paul),
lands in the corridors of an American cable network.  But something is
wrong.  Why does his life seem to stop every twelve minutes or so?
What's being squeezed into those cracks in time, and why does he feel
like buying merchandise every time his life resumes?  And what is the
secret of the ghostly, transparent image of a ringed planet, always
hovering there, just visible out of the corner of his eye?  Find out on
DOCTOR WHO: 1999.  Produced by Gerry Anderson."

> and I sent an article to this magazine called SCIENCE FICTION AGE today
>about that topic and why I think they should do it. It's called DOCTOR
>WHO: A FAN'S PROSPECTIVE. Wish me luck, huh? I'm gonna need it.

Indeed you will.  Good luck in getting your "PROSPECTIVE" across to

Corey Klemow 23/6/98


[Subject: Re: Gold Dust in the TVM]

Norman Graves wrote:
>>Right, I'm sick of people giving knowing winks about the gold dust
>>that appeared in the TVM. Can someone explain to me just what this
>>continuity link is meant to be about, please?

Dan wrote:
>Cybermen. Gold dust does nasty things to them. Seeing as how the Doctor
>has fought them so many times, it's about time he wised up and got
>himself a supply of the stuff.
>"Terribly expensive to kill."

So is time, often.  Which prompts....

Gold-flinger! (blut blAAAAR blaar!)
He's half-man,
The man with the Mondas touch
The Cyber's rust.
Such a Gold-flinger (blut blAAAAr blaaar!)
Beckons you
To enter his TARDIS tin
But don't go in!

Golden dust he will pour in your vent
And though gold won't produce e'en a dent,
But a Cyberlass know when he's stocked her
It's the dust of death from Doctor
Gold-flinger!  (blut blAAAr blaar!)
Telos girl,
Beware of his bag of gold
Gold's gift is cold!

He weilds ornery gold.
Ornery gold.
He weilds gold.

Danny Gooley (> 23/6/98


Daniel Gooley (> wrote:

>And the Other
>has a Bit in Cold Fusion (it's unspecified which bit)......

That's a very sexist description of that poor woman.

Gregg Smith (> 25/6/98



Tim Roll-Pickering (> wrote:
>It's possible that his tapes of 'Marco Polo' and 'Reign of Terror' came
>from overseas transmissions. The very good quality copy of DALEK >CUTAWAY
came from David Butler back in the mid '80s.

Is that the one which was crystal-clear except for a garbled

Graham Nelson 26/6/98

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