The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - May - August 2002

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

(Guest editor: Auntie Krizu)


Brigadier: Sgt. Benton! Chap with the wings: five
rounds rapid!
Benton: Are you sure that's wise sir?
Pvt. Adric: Can I drive the Landrover sir?
Brigadier: You stupid boy.
7th Doctor: We'rrrre all dooomed. Doooomed!
1st Doctor: Excuse me Brigadier, do you think I could
be excused?
Pvt. Drax: 'Ere, I can get you a used 'And of Omega.
Fell of the back of a
3rd Doctor: (gurn> They don't like it up 'em!
Vicar: Now see what you've done, you *silly* little
man! You've spoiled my plans for galactic domination. (Yes folks, it's
Reverend Magister.)

--The Stainless Steel Cat


> Malus Aforethought (> wrote:
> "David A McIntee" (> wrote
> message news:abjges$jhu$
>> No, but I know how paranoid and conspiracy-obsessed fandom (and people
>> general) can be
> "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."
> We only have Dan Freedman's word that he didn't try to lose BF their
> licence, and it does seem odd if they really renewed it (and for such a
> period) before they had to... who knows?

"Everyone was staring at the Doctor, but his face was a picture of
innocence, as if he couldn't understand what all the fuss was about.  His
fingers picked out a few more bars of a tune on the piano[...]
Only then did Anji vaguely recognise the tune the Doctor had played:
'Paranoid' by Black Sabbath."

                       --  EATER OF WASPS, pg. 29, Trevor Baxendale.

--Andrew McCaffrey


>Anyone else got anything interesting by putting DW names through

No I haven't but funnily enough I did once hear a story about some Dr
Who BBC videos that were apparently "haunted". according to Mavis who
empties bins behind Kwik-Save, her Albert had a video of "Twin Dilema"
that, if you turned up the volume of your telly real loud during the
piece of black, bank tape at the very beginning, had a voice that
could be heard crying - it sounded like a woman weeping.

Next thing you know, our Bob - you know him who works behind counter
at chip shop - well, he claimed to have a similar Dr Who BBC video
that was haunted - his copy of "Silver Nemesis" had a voice pleading
"Please no, take it out - it hurts!" at the beginnning.

Well, as you can right imagine we were proper spooked by these
reports, so we phoned up BBC video about it and what they told us,
well, it explained everything and solved the kerfuffle no trouble.
Apparently, it weren't the video tapes that were haunted, but our
video recorders that were crying and pleading, etc. As if to prove
this, we were asked to slip in a copy of the "Talons of Weng Chiang"
BBC video, and lo and behold, the voice this time said, "Oh yes! Yes!
Fill me, thrill me, lover!!"

So who says machines have no mind of their oown? Well, that's enough
gossip for one afternoon, I'm knacked. Off to the butchers' to see if
I can score a bit of tripe for me 'Usband's supper. Turrah.

--Daibhid Chiennedelh


Subject: Re: Freedman's dead bid - opinions

> "Rich" (> wrote in message
> news:KWUF8.3264$
> would watch. Personally I think someone like Dan Freedman is perfect
> he isn't enslaved to the past. I've said this beforem, but in a perfect
> world I'd love an freedman as producer and Russel T. Davies as script
> editor. Davies knows the old series and hence would enable it to still be
> respected while a new series went in a new direction. I think its a great

Of course all the episodes of Doctor Who that Russell T Davies
during the noughties were junked by the BBC as part of their sterling
efforts to infuriate and annoy... but our fun-gineers think they may have
gone something like this:

Int. Airport. Day.

BRIGADIER and YATES wait as disembarked passengers mill around them.

...You never met the second Doctor, did you? You'll like him. No, you will.
It's just... He's a bit camp, that's all. Mind you, saying he's a bit camp
is like saying Omega was a bit naughty.

The DOCTOR ponces into view, wearing a pink fur coat.


Hello there, Doctor.

Ooooh, hiya. Do you like me coat? Hundred quid, bargain. Brig! You look
dreadful! That tash is *so* Freddy Mercury. And this is Jamie.

The DOCTOR stands aside to reveal a well-built gentleman in a kilt.

Met him in the Highlands. Blows a good pipe, if you know what I mean. And
I'm no mean piccolo player myself.

Pleased to meet you. And this is Mike Yates, this is who I was telling you
about, met David Beckham.

The DOCTOR looks YATES up and down. He is evidently unimpressed.

You've always had a bit of Scot inside you, haven't you Brig? Problem is
see, we've been travelling around the cosmos for months but I can't
understand a bloody word he says...

Er, sure.

Ack, A'm no speakang a foreign language, es jes this daf bagger cannae
listen proparley. Av only been hangang aroond for ma manney.


Yes, that burbling, that's what he's been doing the whole time. What's he

Look, A'm a prostatute, A sell masell, ye see? An thes dozy Sassenach owes
me fefty qued.

Qued, what's Qued? He keeps on saying that, he keep on saying Fefty Qued.

Qued's Scottish for love. He says he's completely in love with you.

Awww bless!!!

--Pete Galey



Thank you for purchasing the "Theological Discussion with a Bouncer" Model
34DD. We hope it gives you years of trouble-free existentialism.

Before operating, ensure that switches A, 4 and 1066 are in the "off"
position and that the semiotic thickness of the performed text is varying
inversely with respect to the unit's redundant performance codes. Next,
identify plug 1 and socket 1 (the latter will be located towards the base
an inner-wall of your building). Press plug 1 firmly into socket 1. You
should now see a pretty little red light on the front of the unit. If not,
you have ballsed up the easiest bit and might as well give up now.

Grasp the remote handset firmly with your right hand, or, if you are a
freak, your left. You will now find your thumb is ideally placed to swivel
round to press any of the operation buttons. We designed it deliberately
that way. Aren't we clever?

Refering to Appendix C, firmly press the button marked On. You should now
find that all theological beliefs are fundamentally animistic. If you have
not found this, you may not be adequately skilled in thumb use. Before
phoning our free helpline, please ask a twelve year old boy if he can work
it out. In most cases, this will be enough to successfully activate the

Never read Appendix C again, it will only confuse you. Turn to Section 3,
titled "Why was there no sections 1 or 2?" When you think you understand
this section, continue on to Section 4. If Section 3 is giving you some
headaches, try clapping with one hand for a while.


No doubt you are keen to get started with your Model 34DD! Assuming you
already reconciled the empiro-critical belief that experience is the root
all phenomena, the button "Play" will play and the button "Stop" will stop.
If you are of the opinion that a concept, while philosophically valid can
theologically meaningless, it may be neccessary for you to Have The Idea Of
Play And Stop before the handset will function.


This section is imaginary. Therefore you are not reading it, so stop doing
so. Now.


This section, though not imaginary, is also right out.


If you find the philosophical or technical elements to this manual a little
esoteric, you may like to know that hanging off a cliff face by the handle
of an umbrella is great for meditation.

--Pete Galey


 In article (>, (Gareth Parker)

> On Sun, 26 May 2002 13:09:37 +0000, (Bob)
> took a keyboard, and wrote the following:
> > Silly question I suppose but Big Finish Gary isn't the same person
> > written
> > "The Art of the Fellowship of the Rong" is he?
> The Fellowship of the Rong...? (grin>

I hereby nominate Yads, DBurns, John Long, Steve Day and the other
trolls for the Fellowship of the Rong.

--Charles Martin

On Sat, 25 May 2002 19:57:11 GMT, Fett (> took a
keyboard, and wrote the following:

>Did Anakin finger his new wife with that gold hand on the wedding night?

# Goldfinger-ing...
He's the man,
The man with the dark side touch...
A Vader's touch...

Such a Goldfinger-ing...
Pretty Queen, beware of his Force of sin...
Just don't go in...
Goldfinger-ing... Golderfinger-ing... #


--Gareth Parker


Subject: Re: Limericks (Was: Re: Some thoughts on Mawdryn Undead)

I can't possibly stand by and be outdone here, so here's a Shakespearean
sonnet about Doctor Who.

Shall I compare thee to a Doctor Who?
Thy hair's like Pertwee, and so is thy chin.
Aside from that, thy shortness it is true
Resembles Troughton, he of manic grin.

Thy jumper is as well-designed as that
Once sported by Sylvester, and thy coat
Repels the sight like Colin's. Thy cravat
Is but the one thing thou sharest of note

With sexy Paul McGann. But Doctor Five?
You both display a girly lack of balls
(Except the cricket ones on which you thrive).
That leave just Tom and Hartnell. How it galls

Me to admit it, but thy brain is tapped
Like Tom, and Hartnell's age would seem most apt.

--Pete Galey


>8. If Dr. Seuss wrote "The Three Doctors"

(I'm getting in before Pete does)

To escape from his prison
Omega has a plan
He'll attack the Third Doctor
'cos the Doc is Da Man.

"The Time Lords' great hero
Is to much for me!"
That's what he said
The Doc Number Three.

Gallifrey's High Council
Saw this was true
And to help the Third Doctor
Sent Doc Number Two.

But even then problems
Had only begun
They needed advice
>From Doc Number One!

With one, two, three Doctors
Omega was defeated
But wasn't their timeline
Screwed up when they meeted?

--Daibhid Chiennedelh


 >8. If Dr. Seuss wrote "The Three Doctors"

The Brig in the hat, he said "Come and see,
In this Police Box, it's Docs One, Two and Three!"
One's on a TeeVee, up near the ceiling,
Two plays recorder, jigging and reeling,
Three's looking grumpy, he's feeling harassed,
With both of his old selves, back from the past.
Something's not right, there's a funny aroma,
Flash! The HQ's gone to somewhere! (Not Cromer.)
So who is behind this? By Jingo, it's Omega,
A legend of sorts (and a funny old beggar).
He's been on a diet and lost so much weight,
All that is left is his anger and hate.
"In my place you will stay!" that is his order,
But Doc number Two has found his recorder,
Flash! There goes all that bad anti-matter,
And everyone's home in time for tea and a natter.

(There's also a bit where Jo flashes a pant,
But we'll save that for *adult* fans of Miss Grant).

--The Stainless Steel Cat


Re: Remembrance of the Daleks DVD
In article (aes8gj$3m1$>,
Pete Galey (> wrote:
>"r. smith" (> wrote in message

>> I think there's a case for ending the cliffhanger with Glitz reaching
>> for the Doctor's bum.

>What, a Baker-style freeze frame, or a rapid zoom in? ("Will the Doctor be
>safe from the clutches of Glitz's raging hormones - tune in next Monday!")
>Miles more exciting than Coronation Street.

I was thinking of the freeze frame, but I suspect there's a psychiatric
test somewhere that evaluates your inner psyche based on whether you'd go
for the freezing or the reaching when it comes to Sylvester's bum.

Um, I think that sound you just heard was rec.arts.drwho officially
reaching rock bottom. As it were.

Bummer. Sorry everyone.

 - Robert Smith?


Re: Quiet on RADW...(Warning, contains annoying questions!)

JerryD wrote:
> the Fifth Doctor/Peri Combination in the books and audios does
> make me nervous because it feels like a very small 'missing' slot

Well, they say Davison was well hung...

--Finn Clark.


Subject: Re: Spare Parts

"Rob T Firefly" wrote in message
> "David Brunt" wrote in message
> > "henrythefourth" wrote
> > > "Cameron Mason" wrote
> > > > AFAIK, Spare Parts will use the original Cybervoices.
> > >
> > > Will they have their individual names, like Kang?
> >
> > Nick Briggs is listed on the BF website as playing CyberLeader
> > Zheng
> Does a Cyberman gets its name from the noise its chest unit makes
> when dropped?

Yes.  Well, the script for "The Wheel in Space" includes the character
Cyberleader Ohbuggeritsfallenonmyfoot.

--David Brunt

--------------------------------------------------------- (The Doctor) wrote in message news:(aflnod$3f0
> N/A  (> wrote:
> >On Sun, 30 Jun 2002 10:13:47 +1000, "Cameron Mason"
> >>Lovely, it looks like my newsserver has stuffed up again.
> >>
> >>Off to trawl google once more...
> >
> >No, it looks OK.  My newsreader showed 657 new headers- obviously
> >somebody tried to bomb the group and then got cancelled.
> cancelled???

In top secret headquarters, somewhere on Earth: "Rec.arts.drwho is about to cease to exist. John
Long, Luke Curtis, DBurns, Jon Blum, and the rest will never be able
to discuss their favorite sci-fi show again. And they'll never even
know how they offended me. Just as well - I don't remember how they
offended me. All I know is that I have a petty desire to make *all*
Doctor Who fans, regardless of type, suffer for a perceived insult in
my past. Off goes the newsgroup bomb."

DALEK: "Hel-lo." "What are you doing here?"

DALEK: "I am not sure. That is some ser-i-ous weed you are smo-king.
It is af-fect-ing my men-tal pro-cess. Ah. I re-mem-ber now. I have
been in-struc-ted to can-cel you." "Who would want to get rid of me?"

DALEK: "It was a spe-cial re-quest from two hun-dred fif-ty mil-lion
peo-ple. I have a coun-ter re-quest from one hun-dred mil-lion peo-ple
who op-pose the Death Pen-al-ty, but just want you to know you are a
jerk." "But I am anonymous. How can you even find me,
much less eliminate me, you cheap piece of hard plastic with goo
inside. You dustbin shaped creature. About as dangerous as a punching

DALEK: "Has an-y-one told you you are rude?" "Yeah. All of rec.arts.drwho agreed on that in a
rare display of unity. Oh. That's right. THAT'S why I hate them!
Thanks for the memory. Can I do anything for you?"

DALEK: "Yes. You can be can-celled." (blast) "AAaaargh!!!" (dies)

DALEK: "Re-mem-ber, hack-ers, slack-ers, cre-tins, bores. Keep thy
eyes open. Who knows for whom the plun-ger tolls. Per-haps it tolls
for thee."

Benjamin F. Elliott


Alliekatt wrote:
> Is impersonating a Celtic goddess REALLY a major violation of
> law?

Let me call the president of the united federation of planets, and ask


"Yes, Mr. President?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"I'm an ice warrior from the planet Mars.  I need to ask you if
impersonating a-"

"Who are you again?"

"An ice warrior."

"An ice warrior?  What's that?"

"Well, I'm an inhabitant of the planet Mars."

"Mars?  I'm sorry, but there's been no life there since we strip-mined
the place."


Well sorry.  I tried, but I couldn't find out the answer to your
question.  Try asking yads.  He has software.

--The Ice Warrior


Re: The returrrrrrrn of the "The Wacky Survey"!!!!!

>From: Luke Curtis

>20. What is Turlough's secret hobby?

Actually, I broke into Turlough's room and discovered he had copies of
"The Young Person's Guide To Killing The Doctor", "The I-Spy Book Of Ways
Kill The Doctor" and "The Observers Guide To Dead Doctors". So probably

--Daibhid Chiennedelh


Subject: (fwd) Re: BBC Books: Is the end near and has it been prepared for?

The BBC, after considerable talks with itself, has decided against
renewing its own licence. Some bloke from BBC Worldwide (not Justin
Richards, who was busy creating a programming language that utilised iambic
pentameter) said "Naturally, we're slightly shocked by this news, but we
were totally
honest with ourselves and can understand our reasons." When asked if Virgin
would be interested in the licence Peter Davros-Yarvelling said "Nah,
Publishing only does porn these days. Although, that was our policy when we
doing the NAs too, come to think of it."

I'm thinking of sending this to Tachyon TV. What do you reckon?

--Daibhid Chiennedelh


Re: Chameleon Circuit Vs Cloaking Device

On 19 Jul 2002 22:05:43 GMT, powrwrap@aol.compost (Alan S. Wales)

>>Chris Cwej
>>Well, as much as I didn't want to do this, I'm gonna get involved in
>>the debate and side with....
>>Episode 4 of the Time Meddler, when the Monk leads the Doctor to the
>>sarcophagus TARDIS, the Doctor is less than impressed and the Monk
>>clearly states
>>"What's the matter Doctor, can't you repair your camouflage unit?"
>>So, everyone's wrong.
>>The correct term (well the first term that I can find) is CAMOUFLAGE
>>UNIT and so that's what I'll be referring to it as from now on should
>>I ever have to refer to that device again.
>Yes, but that's because the Monk was bluffing! He's a liar! He claimed to
>helping the Vikings invade England but he was really out to destroy their
>fleet! Don't believe a word he says! The Doctor defeated the Monk by
>the "dimensional controller" from his Tardis when we all know from Wheel
>Space that the device is called the "time vector generator"!
>Camouflage Unit certainly describes the function of the device most
>however, I like the sound and mental images that the name Chameleon
>conjures up.

Why don't we just call it the A.D.R.I.C. (Autonomous Deception
Reconstruction Integrator Circuit)? It's a useful for certain tasks
but generally dosen't work and is pretty useless.



"Steve Roberts" (> wrote in message
> On Thu, 1 Aug 2002 18:44:25 +0000 (UTC), Shannon Patrick Sullivan
> (> wrote:
> >It was a dark and stormy night on Thu, 01 Aug 2002 18:26:39 GMT when
Steve Roberts said:
> >> On Thu, 1 Aug 2002 17:44:43 +0000 (UTC), Shannon Patrick Sullivan
> >> (> wrote:
> >
> >>>Ah, but if Doctor Who had survived until the present day, I fully
> >>>that something like "bastard" -- which by 2002 standards is a very
> >>>swear word -- would be heard in Doctor Who.
> >
> >> I really don't think it would  - honestly.
> >
> >Hmmm, I'm interested, why do you think that? On North American TV, at
> >least, the word "bastard" is pretty much fair game -- you'll hear it as
> >readily on an 8pm show or a daytime soap opera as you will at 11pm. Is
> >British television more restrictive in this regard, or do you just think
> >it wouldn't be permitted on Doctor Who, specifically?
> Because Doctor Who was always a family show and I think that the BBC
> would have continued it in that tradition. It had so much history
> behind it that I don't believe that the Corporation would ever have
> allowed it to sink into more 'realistic' use of language. And nor
> should it, in my opinion.

When the show returns to TV, the producers use this debate in a

DOCTOR: Davros! Through all these years and all our battles, through all of
time and all of space, you have continually brought misery to millions of
innocent souls. My patience with you is run out. Wheel yourself over here
and SUCK MY --- [cue ending].

Then would follow a week in which the nation(s) would be seized with
anticipation over whether the Doctor's next word would turn out to be the
obvious one. Viewing figures would double instantly.

Or not.

Ken Carriere (>


Subject: Re: Big Finish - I took the plunge

>>"You be-long to uzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
>>"You shall be like uzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."
>WE WILL SURVIVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At first I was diseased
I was petrified
Kept Thinking I could never live
without organs in my insides

But I spent so many nights
Thinking "cybernetic parts"
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on.

And now I"m back.  In Outer Space.
I've just been converted with
pantyhose up on my face.

I have gained a silly voice
I now have tough plastisteel kidneys
And I want to change all humans
So they look exactly just like me!

Go on now go.
Walk through the door.
To conversion.
'Cause you won't be human anymore.
Weren't you the one who had a computer for a brain?
Well don't crumble
Cuz now we all will be the same!

Oh yes we'll try
We Will Survive
As long as we know how to live
Our race won't surely die.
We have plastic life to live
And we've got all our limbs to give
And We'll Survive.
We Will Survive!

It took all the strength we had
Not to fall apart.
Kept trying hard to make the pieces of our plastic hearts.
And we spent so many nights
just trying to improve ourselves
We used to cry
But now we hold our lampheads high
And you see we,
Cybermen new.
We're not the screwed up Mondasians
that you thought you knew.
And so we feel like dropping in
on the human settlements that we must.
We will convert all the people
And they will be just like us!

Oh yes we'll try
We Will Survive
As long as we know how to live
Our race won't surely die.
We have plastic life to live
And we've got all our limbs to give
And We'll Survive.
We Will Survive!

Apologies to Gloria Gaynor.

--Trey Korte


Re: OT The Hooded Man (was Re: McGann (was Re: Big Finish Audios)

>(sigh> they don't make telly like they used to...

Well, no, they use plastic and metal casings nowadays instead of wood. I
believe they're in colour as well, which is nice. Somebody said that
started stretching them so they look like a rectangle instead of a square.
must say I find that hard to believe, I mean, the glass on the screen would
break, wouldn't it?
I reckon they're just being silly.
Do you know, I heard they even got rid of the little white dot?
Disgraceful! I
shall be writing to Points of View, let me tell you!
Is this what we pay our licence fee for? No white dot? I bet it was a focus
group that made the decision to scrap it. Those people are totally out of
with the real world.
These are the important issues that Tony Blair should be addressing! But
he's probably mates with the people who make Non White Dot tellys. I expect
there'll soon be a law against white dots passed in parliament.
And as for the "Stretch Limo" telly, it'll never take off. I mean, how do
fit one under the mantle piece? Where does the pot plant go?
These people have no common sense.



Re: Lawrence Miles and Book Sales

On 10 May 2002 15:00:04 -0700, (Jim Vowles) wrote:

>Lance, if we ever DO get together for that meeting over a nice cold
>beer, we must put this argument to song.

Anyone want to write 'The Ballad of the People Who Think Both
That Gallifrey is a Fundamental Part of Who Lore, but also That
Gallifrey Never Actually Did Anything and Get Terribly Worked
Up About Books They Don't Even Read' ? I might need a
snappier title.

Given that it's nearly three days and 'Selaboc' hasn't replied to
my post, I guess 'You're not singing anymore' might do the

--Lance Parkin


Subject: Re: offical : the net has started to break up

That's a shame. I hope they do a reunion tour someday...
--------------------------------------------------------- (Kate Orman) wrote in message

> > >Capgras' syndrome!!!
> The unshakeable delusion that one's loved ones have been replaced with
> exact duplicates.

Hmm. What if Fitz got this syndrome.



That's funny on so many levels.

Okay, two.

--Misha Lauenstein


Subject: Queer as Who (Was Re: Freedman's dead bid - opinions)

"Malus Aforethought" (> wrote in message
> QF!!! Definite QF!!

Cheers! Because I enjoyed writing that so much, here's another. Not that
bored or anything. I'd better stop now though, or the next one might

Ext. Used-Spaceship dealer. Day.

The DOCTOR is eyeing up a classy type-90 TARDIS, disguised as a black jeep.
A SALESMAN comes over.

Can I help you sir?

How much is this one?

Er, are you sure you want that one sir? It's a TARDIS.


Let me show you some of our better vehicles, sir, a tad more expensive, but
they've got vertical take off and landing, faster than light, warp engines,
time corridor technology-

I like this one.

Heh, Er, right. Thing is, sir, perhaps you need to think about the image
you're going for. These are spacious, alright, but a family man like
yourself, you want something with, er, fewer associations.

I like *this* one.

Look, sir, I'll be honest with you. We get a lot of *(pianissimo)* renegade
Time Lords *(normal)* wanting to purchase these TT capsules. Fair dos,
they're cutting edge those boys, and their lifestyle means they don't tend
to have a particularly long life expectancy, you know, riddled with alien
radiation, falling off satelites dishes, er, banging their head and so
forth, so we get the resale value. But someone such as yourself doesn't
to be associated with that sort of thing.

I *like* *this* *one*.

The SALESMAN suddenly smiles.

OK, you know what? It's entirely up to you. Here's the key, take it for a
spin, see how you like it, and when you get back to this time zone we'll
talk prices, OK?


The DOCTOR takes the keys and climbs aboard the TARDIS. With a wheezing,
groaning sound the jeep fades away.

The SALESMAN walks back into the showroom and sits down at his desk. After
few seconds, there is another wheezing, groaning sound, and the TARDIS, now
in the shape of a battered old police box, materialises two feet above the
SALESMAN's head. Before he can react, the TARDIS falls to the floor,
crushing the SALESMAN and his chair into a bloody twisted mess, like in
silly book with the poodles.

The door of the TARDIS opens and the DOCTOR pops his head out.

Where do I sign?

--Pete Galey


John Rocco Roberto (> wrote in message
> As my video copy of "The Armageddom Factor" is packed away with my book
> version, can anyone tell me the name Drax calls the Doctor?  I believe
> it was Sigma something.  Thanks!

Feet O'Sigma, a pun on the Doctor's actual name, Thete Octor.
Actually, the odds are that his real name is

--Andrew J. Brook


Subject: Re: The Return of Silly Titles

"Brad Filippone" (> wrote in message
> The usual rules.  Supply a line or three of silly dialog that might be
> found in a story with the following imaginary titles:


> ...and now a few more "if so-and-so wrote, etc"

> 6.  If William Shakespeare wrote Planet of the Spiders.

Better late than never, here goes...

>From The Tragedy of Doctor the Third, Act Five, Scene Three

Enter Doctor from the TARDIS, deathly pale.

DOCTOR: To go or not to go, that was the question:
Whether that trip to Metebelis Three
Would solve all this, or be the death of me:
To go and face the spiders in their city,
Or keep the crystal cos it's blue and pretty.
I've spent the past two months a-chasing round
In vehicles airborne and on the ground,
Across the sea and down the motorway,
No more could I delay this fateful day.
To die; to then on Gallifrey go live
Inside the Matrix, like a set-up spiv.
I'd have my little area, with cheese
And wine with which my virtual guests to please,
And after several months I'd have forgotten
The times that Captain Yates stared at my bottom,
Or Benton dented Bessie's priceless fender
After another all-night binge and bender.
To die, perchance to then regenerate!
Ay, there's the rub, because I venerate
My current body. Better tis I know
Than crotchety old man, cosmic hobo,
Or any of those other ones that will
Pop up in Brain of Morbius and still
Cause endless arguments on th'Internet.
For if I die, I may become the vet,
Or that one with the coat, or, god forefend
One of those two McDoctors! Well, I'll send
A prayer to Rassilon, and make my plea
To send me now a body fit for me.


DOCTOR: But soft you now - the fair Miss Sarah Jane!
Oh where there's life there's...
BRIGADIER:                            ...Here we go again!

--Pete Galey


Subject: Re: The Return of Silly Titles

"Brad Filippone" (> kirjoitti viestissä
> The usual rules. Supply a line or three of silly dialog that might
> found in a story with the following imaginary titles:

> 4. The Seizure Hive


"Doctor, I think K9's having hiccups!"

"Oh really? I better give him a glass of water.." (smiles
mischievously and mutters under his breath:) "that'll show the
annoying metal mutt..."

*K9's circuits are damaged by the water beyond all repair*

Romana: "But... KAY-NI-HINE!!!!!"*sobs*

> 5. The Ultimate Hoe

Why not the Ultimate Ho:D:D:D:D? Concerning the adventures of Jo on
Eroticon VII...

> 6. The Invisible Enema

Oh dear:).. well, you asked for it!!

Rani: "Now hold still, you pitiful bearded trouble-maker..."

Master: "W-w-what in the blazes are you DOING?!?"


Rani: "Simply chemically dissolving that stick that's been lodged up
your ass ever since the day you were born..."


> 8. Disco Inferno

Oh Goddess, my brain hurts. Is this where the Brigade Leader and the
S/M Liz hit the dancefloor in a militant fetish nightclub?:) *shudder*

> 13. Victoria's Secret

Victoria didn't know what to wear this morning, and decided that she
might as well indulge in mail-ordering some nice undergarments that
reminded her of her own time...
until she discovered that for some mysterious reason, the pages of her
favourite catalogue were stuck together, completely ruined... hiding
in Victoria's closet, Jamie swallowed loudly.

> 19. Jonathan and Kate Visit Frontios

Ooh, I'd like to know if Kate would enjoy shaking the Doctor's light
stick. (ducks).

When are you going to do "Auntie and Zorak visit...":D? Now that would
be interesting... Auntie and Zorak visit Atlantis...

"Really, Auntie, your impersonation of Queen Galleia isn't good
enough, no matter how deep-plunging your neckline is, now stop trying
to grope the Master, you'll ruin the story and it won't be canon
anymore! It'd be just like one of those Jon Blum stories!":D (ducks)

Or alternatively:

"Zorak, are you sure about this? The air hostess uniform is an, erm,
*snug* fit... you sure you can crawl into the Doctor's cricketing
trousers by wearing *that*? Besides the miniskirt and high heels are
just sexist crap, not practical at all, and the Doc's waving a gun
again so I'm not really interested..." (see, I can parody myself

> 5. If one of those anonymous Victorian erotica writers wrote "The
> of Weng-Chiang"

Hey, how'd you know I love Jenny Everleigh?:D

"The lithe, well-tanned savage woman, her fierceness poorly hidden
under a facade of a proper lady's attire, seated herself in a very
unladylike manner upon a plush armchair. For any unseen voyeur, the
display was most exquisite: a wild-woman tamed by a corset that
accentuated her slim waist and pert, if small, breasts, capturing her
in its gage of steel and cotton, underneath an expanse of heavy silk,
oddly reminiscent of a wild beast's hide in its irregular stripes and
shapes, never letting the viewer forget the true nature of this lady.

Fondling a vicious steak-knife in her long fingers with a predatory
gleam in her eyes, this child of the wilderness entertained thoughts
of how to punish the Doctor for abandoning her in this gloomy old
house for hours upon hours. Maybe stripping him of his clothes and his
dignity by tying him down and then removing his buttons with the knife
one by one? She chuckled as she remembered the effects of slow torture
on Sevateem boys, reddening cheeks, reddening chest, engorged... eyes,
everything... With the Doctor's already bulging... eyes, Leela
expected to see quite satisfying results."

Ok, I can't go on anymore, since a) I'm getting far too much into this
b) this is a family newsgroup!:D

> ...and just becuase we had a quotefile-worthy response before...
> 6. If William Shakespeare wrote Planet of the Spiders.

"Now my greed is all o'erthrown,
and what strength I have is a Time Lord's own,
Which is most faint, now 'tis true,
I must lie here gawked at by you (weakly points towards Sarah and
Or sent to Gallifrey. Let me not,
since I have my regeneration got,
And pardon'd the Great Spider, dwell
In this UNIT lab by your spell,
But release me from my capes
And that meddling jackanapes,
Gentle breath of the Guru's my sails
Must fill, or else the regeneration fails,
Which was to dash: now I want
Whim to enforce, madness to enchant;
And my ending is sure death,
Unless I be relieved by my Watcher's breath,
Which renews me so that it construes,
A bohemian, of scarf of many hues.
As you from the monsters would relievèd be,
Oh Brig and Sarah, please let me flee."

--Auntie Krizu


Subject: Re: Who would make the best new Who?

On 23 May 2002 14:40:13 GMT, Andrew McCaffrey (>
took a keyboard, and wrote the following:

>Wizard Munchausen (> wrote:
>> Hmmmm. Good actor, but please, no Americans! Or before you know it,
>> Arnie would be in the tardis with a mini-gun.
>*stares at the post for a moment*
>Yeah, because hiring an American actor, and leasing a giant Austrian
>catchphrase are such similar things...



--Gareth Parker


Subject: Re: Pro fun:  Authors

>11. "Fury From the Deep" by a Penthouse Forum letter writer

Maggie paused. She hadn't been quite the same since she had touched that
seaweed on her husband's desk...she could feel the throbbing beat inside
head.  She moved her hand inside her blouse, remembering the earlier tumble
and her husband had that morning.
"Ms. Harris?"
A voice came from the door.  Turning, she saw two men silhouetted against
doorway.  One was tall, lean, and smooth.  The other was shorter, stockier,
packed with muscle.
"We're Mr. Oak and Mr. Quill.  We've come to check your....heater."
"Oh do come in!"
Maggie let them inside.  Mr. Oak grinned at her lasciviously.  Suddenly,
felt intoxicated, the throbbing, pounding feeling present inside her mind.
could see Mr. Oak and Quill standing on either side of them, smiling.  She
pulled under their control, yes, she would be their slave!  She would give
herself over to them and sbumit her body to whatever they desired.  Not
her body, but her mind could be taken by them.   She began to unbutton her
"Oh I like what I see Mr. Oak!"
"I do as well Mr. Quill!"
"What should we do now Mr. Oak?"
"Let's each fondle a breast, Mr. Quill?"

(next section censored)

Maggie writhed in a combination of ecstasy and euphoria.  There was white
covering her.  She wallowed in its glory, spreading it over her face.  Yes,
was part of them now. She was one with Oak and she slid dabs of
foam up and down her naked body, she wondered when she would experience the
same with her mysterious visitors again.

The sea was calling.

--Trey Korte


Subject: Re: REVIEW: Warmonger (NO SPOILERS)


Warmonger, Terrance Dicks
A Fifth Doctor adventure, published May 2002
ISBN 0-563-53852-X

"Some fans like any old rubbish so long as it's got lots of continuity.
Never let it be said that BBC Books neglects any of its loyal readers!
better commission some."

--Finn Clark


Subject: Re: Some thoughts on Mawdryn Undead that aren't about UNIT dating

Hmm, these season 20 ones aren't getting much comment compared to the
19 ones. Is there less to debate, or have I (NO!!!) stopped being


Oh well. I'm bored so I'm going to write a limerick.

There one was an ill bloke called Mawdryn
Who travelled in space, like Buzz Aldrin.
He wanted to die,
On head he wore pie,
Thought tasty by thesp Alec Baldwin.

--Pete Galey


Subject: Re: Lawrence Miles and Book Sales

>>From:  (Jonathan Blum)
>>>>>Not always, but in this case, where the costs are so high on both
>>>>>it would've been preferable.
>>>>Preferable?  I'm sure -- but not necessarily *possible*, which is the
>>>It's DOCTOR WHO- *anything* is possible.
>>Except saving Adric, apparently.  This goes right back to the blithe
>>assumption that you can always have a happy ending no matter what --
>Technically you *can*, in that the author controls all the conditions,
>just a question of what decision he makes. In this particular instance a
>destructive ending would've been preferable.

Er, preferable to whom?

(SCENE: Stephen Cole's office. Enter Justin Richards)

Stephen: Justin! Hi! Come to check out the office? (laughs>

Justin: Yep. Start clearing your desk! (laughs>

Stephen: So, um, how's "The Burning" going?

Justin: Pretty good. I've managed to get a sense that, even though the
doesn't remember *anything*, he still instinctively helps people, and
there's a
slight hint that, deep down, he knows what happened to Gallifrey. Should be
ready soon. Finished "The Ancestor Cell" yet?

Stephen: Er, yeah. About that. I was chatting to Peter, we were just doing
finale and I suddenly thought "Hey, why does the Doctor have to destroy

Justin: Well, because that's the point, I'd have thought. Still, you're the
editor, for now, if you've thought of something better then that's great.
does destroy Gallifrey then?

Stephen: Er, nobody.

Justin: What?? Steve, this is "The Book Where Gallifrey Is Destroyed"! I,
with everyone else currently writing books that follow it, am working on
assumption that Gallifrey is, in fact, destroyed! I say again: WHAT???

Stephen: The Doctor traps the whole of Faction Paradox in an anti-time
travels back to the Old Time to talk to Rassilon and ensures that
time line remains pure. Then Romana apologises for her behaviour earlier
and he
says he understands.

Justin: (weakly> And the amnesia?

Stephen: Um. If you like I could have him bang his head on the console.

Justin: Never mind. I'm going back to the computer job.

--Daibhid Chiennedelh


Subject: Re: Fuck!!!  Why does this keep happening?

John Long (> wrote:
> I do read the political/religious/OT threads
> on occasion, when people are saying something interesting, but screaming
> and yelling at each other gets tiresome between 3-5 days after the
> inevitable flamewar begins, and the participants never know when to
> quit.  So we all have to put up with it.  I don't see why.  This
> newsgroup has a charter, it wouldn't kill any of you to read it and
> review it and quite possibly obey it.

You know, when I woke up this morning my kettle and my pots were beating
the hell out of each other, and I couldn't figure out what was going on.
Then I logged on to RADW and saw that obviously some very fundamental
rules of the universe just got changed.

-- Andrew McCaffrey


Subject: Re: [Pro-Fun] Incomplete Quotes (Daibhid Chiennedelh) wrote:
> 'One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there
must be
> no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs
> prove to me that...'

'... the TARDIS's external speaker is still working'.

> 'There are some corners of the universe which have bred the most terrible
> things. Things that act against everything we believe in. They must

'...bloody sick and tired of me winning by now.'

> 'A flower. One of those little weeds. Just like a daisy it was. I looked
at it
> for a moment and suddenly I saw it through his eyes. It was simply
glowing with
> life like a perfectly cut jewel, and the colours were deeper and richer
> you could possibly imagine. It was...'

'... quite honestly the worst Hawaiian shirt JNT ever wore.'

> 'Homo sapiens. What an inventive, invincible species. It's only a few
> years since they crawled up out of the mud and learned to walk. Puny,
> defenceless bipeds. They've survived flood, famine and plague, they've
> cosmic wars and holocausts and now, here they are, out among the stars
ready to
> begin a new life, ready to outsit eternity. They're...'

'... really kidding themselves this time.'

> 'There should have been...'

'...a dimmer on that light switch, this place looks shocking.'

> 'The TARDIS, when working properly, is capable of many amazing things.
> unlike...'

'... myself. Sadly, neither of us has worked properly for years.'

> 'There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea's
> and the rivers dream, people made of smoke and cities made of song.
> there's danger, somewhere there's injustice and somewhere else the tea is
> getting cold. Come on, Ace, we've got...'

'... our final paychecks, let's go get pissed.'

> 'I came back to life before...'

'... anything happened, right? I'm not sure whether I could fully
trust that morgue attendant.'

--Mark Longmuir


Subject: Re: [Pro-Fun] Incomplete Quotes

In article (>, (Daibhid Chiennedelh) wrote:

>Yes, it's another ISIHAC ripoff. Simply complete the following quotes, one
>each Doctor, and remember, as Humph always says, points will be deducted
for a
>correct answer...
>'One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back. Until then, there
must be
>no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs
>prove to me that...'

...I am not Miss Tilly Woodbine.'

>'There are some corners of the universe which have bred the most terrible
>things. Things that act against everything we believe in. They must be...'

...exhausted, poor dears.'

>'A flower. One of those little weeds. Just like a daisy it was. I looked
at it
>for a moment and suddenly I saw it through his eyes. It was simply glowing
>life like a perfectly cut jewel, and the colours were deeper and richer
>you could possibly imagine. It was...'

...a great trip, man.'

>'Homo sapiens. What an inventive, invincible species. It's only a few
>years since they crawled up out of the mud and learned to walk. Puny,
>defenceless bipeds. They've survived flood, famine and plague, they've
>cosmic wars and holocausts and now, here they are, out among the stars
ready to
>begin a new life, ready to outsit eternity. They're...'

...a bloody nuisance, aren't they? But with new "EarthlingAway" you can get
rid of the pests from your planet in just three days. Pets and podlings
need not be excluded.'

>'There should have been...'

...fries with that.'

>'The TARDIS, when working properly, is capable of many amazing things. Not

...the British Rail system.'

>'There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, where the sea's
>and the rivers dream, people made of smoke and cities made of song.
>there's danger, somewhere there's injustice and somewhere else the tea is
>getting cold. Come on, Ace, we've got...'

...half a packet of cigarettes, it's fifty thousand light years to
Gallifrey, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses.'

>'I came back to life before...' Shirley McClaine.'

--The Stainless Steel Cat


Subject: Re: A Question about The War Games

"Representative Trantis" (> wrote in message
> well, that is one of those things it's just best not to think too much
> about. The best explaination would be for him to be on his last
> regeneration. However, when you expand it further, why does the doctor
> fear for his life, at the end of an episode?

Exactly! For example, if I came to your house and chopped off your arm
with an axe, you wouldn't fear for your arm because you've got another
one with which to eat Count Chocula tomorrow.

--Misha Lauenstein


Subject: Re: A Question about The War Games

>"David A McIntee"

>Oh, of course there's always the possibility that he was on his thirteenth
>life anyway.

Weren't we all by the time War Games finally ended?

--Alan S. Wales


Subject: Re: Sylvester and Sophie sucked!

> (DBurns6554) wrote in >message
> The title of that thread needed changing.

Is this an adults-only easter egg on the Remembrance DVD...?

--Mark Longmuir


Subject: Re: Authors again

 Brad Filippone (> wrote in message
 > Another fun-thread.  Supply a sample of the result if the following
 > wrote the stories indicated.

 > 3. If Emily Bronte wrote "The Hand of Fear"

 198-, I am staying in the small village of Morton Harewood, hoping to
 in the quiet life of the village, when my attention was drawn to an
 attractive woman and what appeared to be a metal dog. I decided to ask my
 neighbour, Nelly Dean about the woman and her 'pet', and she says to me:
 Lockwood, the story of Miss Smith and her dog is long tale, but it really
 begins in a quarry, a number of years ago..."

--Cameron Mason


Subject: Re: Authors again

On Tue, 18 Jun 2002 02:04:09 +0000 (UTC), (Brad
Filippone) took a keyboard, and wrote the following:

>Another fun-thread.  Supply a sample of the result if the following people
>wrote the stories indicated.
>1. If Woody Allen wrote "Paridise Towers"

"Ummmm, Mel, would you, I mean, if you don't mind, well of course, you
might mind, but we were just wondering, well, could we... No it's
silly. Forget it, nno don't forget it. I'm going to be brave and ask
this rather than back away. My shrink says I always back away,
because, well you know, but Mel, I was just, you know, could I, we?
Ummm, well, you know eat you? Not in a sexual sense - no, I mean,
actually, ummmm, well, maybe this is some sort of sexual frustration
in metaphor form? I mean, what, ummmm..."

>4. If George W. Bush wrote "Revelation of the Daleks"

"Ha, ha, ha. I am the Great Healer of Necros, and I beseeify you to
hear my latesting pleas for more support and money for the
Dalekification Programmings. We need substaintual quantificational
development in this great project of peace, in assitify our aims of
universal stabilityisation across the whole of space, notably all the
dark areas. Ha, ha, ha. They're the biggest, so they need the greatest
scrutination. Also we must unite against the Axil of Evil that
threatens our Universal existancation..."

>7. If J. K. Rowling wrote "Kinda"

"It had been a long summer in the time-space vortex and the new term
loomed large on Nyssa. But unlike most young girls of her age, Nyssa
hated the summer. Nyssa was an orphan, and not a normal girl by any
means. She in fact, very special. but the long summer weighed heavily
on her, like it did every year. Like it had for the last four years.

Just four years ago she discovered she was rather special, but had
been raised without knowing the truth about Kinda.

In fact Nyssa begged to go back Kinda, a place of great magic, rather
than be with her adopted family. That Tegan was so loathful of her,
and treated her like she didn't exist, or shout at her without

>15. If William Shakespeare wrote "Terror of the Autons"

(Exit Jo Grant>


I'll have her, but I'll not keep her long.
What, I that tried to kill the Doctor, and his friends,
To take her in her heart's naivity,
With Flowers in her hair,
Mini-skirts in her cupboard,
The plastic Auton army of hatred,
By having UNIT, Her O Levels
And these slang terms against me?
And nothing I to back my suit withal,
Except the Plain Daemonsl and a Dematerialisation circuit?
Upon my lives she finds,
Although I myself cannot,
Me to be a marvellous, proper Timelord.
I'll be at charges for a Tissue Compressor,
And entertain a score or two Silirians,
Since I am crept in favour with myself,
I shall conquer the Earth with the greatest cost.
But first I'll turn the Doctor in his graves,
And return, hitting on his companion.
Shine out fair sun, til I have defeated the Doctor,
Then I may see my life free of that terrible old bore.

--Gareth Parker

Subject: Re: Authors again

>From:  (Brad Filippone)

>8. If Dr. Seuss wrote "The Three Doctors"

"It is not a new world!", the Brig said, "It's probably Cromer!
Now where is the Doctor, that white-haired old roamer?"
But noone could tell him, nor could tell he,
That he was dealing not with one Doctor but three!
First was an old man trapped in a bubble
Which floated about with a woosily-wubble.
Next was a hobo, with mad Beatle hair,
who played his blue-striped retoozler with flair,
But then came the Dandy, with Venusian Kung-Fu
and fast cars and an archnemesis too.

Greeted they were by a great "HOOLA-HA!

>10. If Adolf Hitler wrote "Invasion of the Dinasaurs"

If we then agree that the dinosaurs are inferior, and should be thrown out
the ideal national state as described earlier, then it is necessary to
the ideal obligations of the state in relation to not only dinosaurs but
prehistoric animal life and how their presence influences the economic
structure of any given nation in relation to its governmental and social
branches which can best be described as interacting with the citizenry on a
basis of...

(paragraph continues for the next three pages)

>12. If Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote "City of Death"




Subject: Re: unfinished quotations

>From: Joxer

>Borusa:  As I believe I told you long ago, Doctor, you will never amount
>to anything in the galaxy while you retain your propensity for...

hiding in a cupboard making vworp-vworp noises while telling everyone
it's bigger on the inside.



Subject: Re: unfinished quotations

>Master:  It's always innocent bystanders who...

....take 2 items over the limit to the express checkout and must
therefore be killed.

-- Alan S. Wales


Subject: Re: unfinished quotations

> Doctor: I'm a Time Lord...You don't understand the impications.  I'm not
> human being.  I walk in...

fluffy pink bunny slippers.

> Borusa:  As I believe I told you long ago, Doctor, you will never amount
> to anything in the galaxy while you retain your propensity for...

ramdom buggerings of cute white, fluffy rabbits!

--Cameron Mason


Subject: Re: rec.arts.drwho.moderated showing signs of life

Cameron Mason (> wrote:
> Jim Vowles (> wrote in message
>> Fett (> wrote in message
> news:(>...
>> > The old liason was sacked. The person who sacked the liason has, in
> turn,
>> > been sacked also. The person who sacked the person who sacked the
> also
>> > has been sacked.
>> NOTE: Fett has been sacked.
> FURTHER NOTE: Jim has been sacked, and I have sacked myself.

When I think about Who, I sack myself.

-- Andrew McCaffrey


Subject: Re: One or two thoughts about Terminus that don't involve Nyssa's

"Malus Aforethought" (> wrote in message
> "Pete Galey" (> wrote in message
>> > Assuming you're right though: if the Doctor sets the TARDIS
> > before the Big Bang, what will he find? Hmmm - perhaps that what all
> > "negative coordinates" in stuff like the Mind Robber is all about... I
> > reckon there's a good EDA in all this somewhere. Or is there one
> What's that you ask?  Is there a good EDA?  No of course not ;-)
> There are no negative co-ords in Mind Robber.  It's "out of space and
> (same non-place the Watcher takes the TARDIS in Logopolis.)  E-Space has
> negative co-ords -- the negative position of Gallifrey is Alzarius (the
> still set to positive, shows Outer Gallifrey).  The (Warriors') Gateway
> zero coordinates.

Right you are. There's still a good case for Mind Robber being set in a
prior universe though, as that would be out of "our" space and time.

> Most Who chronology compilers/researchers think the Terminus timeship
> *our* future.  However, to me, the onscreen dialogue clearly shows it is
from a
> prior universe and caused ours to form (even if Gallagher fucks up Event
One of
> the galaxy - a SF author not knowing the difference between our galaxy
> Universe, whatever next???). But the dead Pilot looks nothing like a Garm

Oh I don't know. We don't get a good look at the pilot, and the Garm is the
only other creature "with the strength of a giant" on board...

> has been genetically-engineered by Terminus Inc anyway, so is unlikely to
be a
> rare exomorph)

I missed that bit. Please don't make me watch the story again.

> But at the end of the day, we all know that Event One was triggered by
> Mor (as revealed in a BBC broadcast/CD).

Perhaps seeing the Vipod Mor explode gave the pilot of Terminus such a
fright that he jettisoned his fuel by accident.

Heh Slipback - it's been a while since I heard that... Do you know that if
you speed up the sound of the beast roaring in that story it's just a man
saying "roar!"? I discovered that once while copying the tape for a friend
to listen to.

--Pete Galey

Subject: Re: If Doctor Who is dead

In article (>,
Zygon Curry (> wrote:

>On Wed, 19 Jun 2002 00:02:19 +0000 (UTC),
>(The Doctor) wrote:
>>In article (aeoa9n$hf0$>, r.   smith (>
>>>And even when they do they get it wrong. Their JNT obituary claimed that
>>>he cast Tom Baker.
>>He took over from DNA.
>Took over?

Yep! All Doctor Who fans now have their genetic information encoded in
double helices of JNT.

The Anorak Genome Project estimates that as much as 30% of JNT is junk,
while another 20% consists entirely of Hawaiian shirts. The Anorak Genome
Project mapping of JNT is currently 13 years behind schedule due to the
difficulty of accurate UNIT dating.

--The Stainless Steel Cat


Subject: Re: NOT the RADW Diary Room...

"Jonathan Blum" (> wrote in message
> In article (>,

> does he stand up to monsters with
> steel and style?  Does he have an eclectic, pick-and-mix knowledge of
> and space?  Is he maddeningly off-beat at times?  Does he carry the
> of untold years, and still manage to laugh?  Is he an English gentleman
> with the soul of a hobo?  Does he engage in heroics without being
> conventional about them?

If so, please call Crimewatch on 0800 123 321, and, following a successful
arrest, you could claim a cash reward.

--Pete Galey

"Malus Aforethought" (> wrote

> Probably!  The *thud* being along the lines of Adric's
>*Ker-splatttttttt!* ?
> =}¦>D>

So, words aside, what was the last thing that went through Adric's
 mind before he died?

His feet.

Now, continuing with that theme, what were the last *thoughts* of each
Doctor before the moment of regeneration?

1st Doctor:  Hmm, I never realised how cold this floor was ...

2nd Doctor:  Are we there yet ...?

3rd Doctor:  Dear me, but Lethbridge-Stewart has a lot of nose hair

4th Doctor:  But wait, if I can move my arm ... bugger.

5th Doctor:  Hey, everybody - a little quiet, please!

6th Doctor:  Oh look, a paperclip on the floor ...

7th Doctor:  Women!

--John P Darcy


Subject: Delta and the Bannermen (long)  (was Re: Good News For McCoy

JerryD wrote
> later, after watching Delta, I didn't feel I'd missed out too greatly.
> :)

Yes, I can still remember watching Delta for the first time (shudder>.
 I've been thorough therapy, though, and I've nearly recovered.

I was actually quite thrilled when my local PBS station started
showing the McCoys.  I hadn't seen any of them, so I (naively) figured
they'd be enjoyable.

First, Time and the Rani.  I thought the new Doctor was an idiot, but
I figured, hey, it's a regeneration story, the Doctor's always a bit
fucked in the head after regenerating.  My thoughts of this story are
along the lines of "Cool special effects.  Cool bubble traps.  Cool,
Mel got caught in one!  Oh, hum, she escaped.  Thanks a lot,
lizard-boy.  Is this story going to get any better?  Apparently not.
I hope the next story is an improvement."

The next story was an absolute classic, ranking very high on the list
of classic Dr. Who stories.  Obviously, I'm full of shit.  The next
story was Paradise Towers, which ranks near the top of all Dr. Who
stories named Paradise Towers.  I'm not sure what's good about this
story, other than the fact it wasn't a six-parter.  I was starting to
get discouraged about these McCoy stories.  I thought (naively) they'd
have to get better.

No, they won't.  The next story on the menu was Delta and the
Bannermen.  Now, I've only seen this story once, so I might be a bit
fuzzy on some of the details.

It starts out well, with a bunch of green aliens getting massacred.
One of them, Delta, escapes with some sort of incubator.  This cheeses
off Gavrok, the Bannerman leader, to no end, and he swears he will
hunt her down and kill her dead.

Meanwhile, the TARDIS has landed in the middle of a warehouse, or so
it appears.  But no, it's a spaceport.  Some guy in a purple uniform
congratulates the Doctor for being the billionth customer (or
something like that) and says he's won a trip to Disneyland.
"Disneyland?", I thought, "what the smeg?"  The Doctor, startled at
this, says "What ARE you on about, you purple loon?  And why don't you
spend some grotzits to get those teeth fixed?  You look like you have
a picket fence in your face."  Of course, the Doctor doesn't actually
say this.  He merely makes noncommital noises, but Mel is quite
excited.  Mel is ALWAYS excited, which can be a problem.

It turns out that passage to Disneyland is on a spaceship that appears
to be a bus.  This is actually reasonable, as no one on Earth will
look twice at a parked bus.  The people going to Disneyland are a
bunch of purple critters.  First, they go through a transmogrifier to
turn themselves into humans.  Makes sense.  A bunch of purple aliens
wandering about Earth could cause a sensation.  Then again, they are
going to California, so it's possible no one would notice.  Delta
shows up about this time and boards the bus as well.  Luckily for her,
she doesn't need to go through the transmogrifier as she already
resembles a human woman, and one that's kind of attractive to boot.
The Doctor refuses to go on the bus but lets Mel, which shows some
intelligence on his part.

The purple critters are also fans of 1950's rock and roll music.  This
isn't so strange, as it's a well-known fact that many races like
1950's rock and roll.  The Cybermen are quite partial to Chuck Berry.
You haven't lived until you've seen a spaceship of Cybermen all
duck-walking to "Johnny B. Goode."  Sontarans prefer Fabian and Cliff
Richard.  There's no telling for some people's taste, but only the
foolhardy make fun of the Sontarans.  Daleks prefer Buddy Holly.  In
fact, because of him, the Daleks decided not to attack Earth.  "We may
be the superior beings, but that Buddy Holly rocks!  Let's leave Earth
alone!"  When they found out about his death, well, that royally
pissed them off, and they've tried to kill humans ever since.  But I

Some time after everyone's left, Gavrok shows up and brutalizes
Picket-Fence Face.  He blurts out that they've gone to Earth.  Gavrok
thanks him for being so considerate and helpful by shooting him in the
back.  No loss, but it does show that Gavrok has issues.

It's a proven fact that getting where you want to go in Dr. Who is
damned difficult.  The Magic Bus proves this by plowing into an
American satellite while approaching Earth.  Now out of control, the
bus is plunging to what should be a wonderful explosion on the surface
of the planet.  The Doctor is in the TARDIS watching all this,
thinking to himself: "I could just let it crash.  Who's going to miss
a bunch of purple critters going to Disneyland?  And Mel?  That damn
redhead made me regenerate by making me drink carrot juice!  And if
Delta's kaput, that means the Bannermen don't have to chase her around
anymore!  But wait a minute, if I rescue them, they'll end up at some
chintzy holiday camp in Wales.  The comic possibilities abound!  Plus,
I'll get to meet an attractive Welsh girl.  That settles it, I'll save
them!"  Amazingly, the Doctor is correct.  Not about the comic
possibilities, but about the chintzy holiday camp and attractive Welsh
girl (Ray).  If you don't believe me, just watch the way the Doctor
reacts when she shows up at the dance.

But the damn Bannermen are hot on the trail.  Some bounty hunter with
goofy sideburns has reported to Gavrok where Delta is.  Gavrok rewards
him by making him explode.  I told you he had issues.

Yes, eventually the Bannermen do show up.  They begin their campaign
by hassling a couple of Americans who are wandering about the
countryside looking for their satellite.  It's going to be tough to
explain to them that it's stuck in the front of an intergalactic bus.

Finally, hostilities commence.  "Goodness me," I said, "will the
excitement ever cease?"  It did.  Gavrok blows up the bus and kills
all the purple critters.  No loss.  He also booby-traps the TARDIS,
mainly because he's an asshole.  Luckily for Delta, the child that
hatched from the incubator already looks like she's 12 years old, and
she has an incredible voice.  Her high-pitched yelling causes the
Bannermen to stagger about uselessly, and Gavrok, in a dramatic scene
that reeks of irony (among other things) triggers his booby-trap and
is blown to Kingdome Come.  That'll learn him.

That pretty much wraps things up.  Everybody is fine and dandy.  The
surviving Bannermen (there were some, right?) are forced to work in
coal mines.  The Doctor and Mel leave in the TARDIS, and that weirdo
beekeeper they met smiles mischeviously.  Or something like that.
It's over, thank God.

When asked if I can think of any redeeming qualities of this pile of
merde called Delta and the Bannermen, a quote from that well-known
scholar Dwight Eisenhower (about something completely different)
springs to mind:

"Give me a week, and I might think of something."

-- James


Subject: Re: I wonder how the 3rd Doctor would feel about...

MDS wrote:
> the massive wildfire burning in the American West.  Liberal though he
> may be, the complaint has arisen many times that several of the worst
> wildfires, including this one, can be blamed on the environmentalist
> wackos who will not allow controlled burning of underbrush.  Would the
> 3rd Doctor have had a problem with such controlled burning, or would he
> have sided with those tree-hugging lunatics?  I say he would have had no
> problem with the controlled burning.

Since we're talking about the third doctor, let's go straight to the

(grabs a shovel>

Let's ask him! To Pertwee's GRAAAAVE!



Subject: Re: Spare Parts

(attribution lost):

>Does a Cyberman gets its name from the noise its chest unit makes when

"Open fire!!!"




Subject: Re: Cool (and not entirely serious) things about DEADLY ASSASSIN

r.   smith (> wrote:
> In article (afm7j6$5bc$>,
> Andrew McCaffrey  (> wrote:
>>The amount of regeneration themed-dangers in the Matrix: falling from a
>>great height, bullets, poison, spiders, and even a Time Lord played by
>>Bernard Horsfall trying to kill him.
> The eighth Doctor has just become extremely nervous about walking
> across railway tracks.

Nah, too improbable.  Mark my words, when the Eighth Doctor finally bites
the bullet, it will be from accidentally stepping on a giant egg.

--Andrew McCaffrey


Subject: With Apologies to Don McLean...

A Long, Long time ago...I can still remember how that newsgroup used to
make me smile...

And I knew that if I had my chance, that I could make those posters
glance, and maybe they'd even shout QUOTEFILE!

But Hazel Dean Fan made me shiver, with every message I'd deliver..
Bad news on the newsgroup, I couldn't take one more 'froup'..

I can't remember if I cried when I read about his brittle mind,
but something touched me deep inside, the day RADW died...


bye, bye, to you Doctor Who guys...
went to download some new messages, but the threads made me sigh...
and all the Pro-Fun trolls were drinking whiskey and rye,
saying this'll be the day that we die...oh this'll be the day that we

did you write the (dis)continuity guide, and do you have faith in
Richard's mind if the BBC Writers tell you so? And do you believe in a
new show, can McGann save your mortal show, and will Yads learn to type
real sloooow? Well I know that you're in Love with Blum, I saw you grab
him on both collaborated, ignorin' those Mod-group
haters... I was a clumsy Sci-Fi lovin' canuck with a stick of celery,
running amuck..but I knew that I was out of luck...
the day...
the newsgroup died...

I started singin'...

bye, bye, to you doctor who guys,
went to download some new messages, but the threads made me sigh,
and all the Pro-Fun Trolls were drinking whiskey and rye,
saying 'What's up with that Dan Freedman guy? What's up with that Dan
Freedman Guy....'

Now for ten years plus, there's been no show, and on the fans, fat
cobwebs grow...but that's not how it used to be...when Steve Day sang
for Fett and Long, in a coat he borrowed from his Mom, while old men
talked of Henry Vizi...oh and while Jim Vowles was looking down, Steve
Day stole his thorny crown. The argument's all repeated as he shouted
out 'McCoy's Shit!'. and while Who-books were reviewed by Clark, John
Long, he reviewed the Ark, and Yads tried typing in the Dark...the day
the newsgroup died...and we were singin'..

bye, bye, to you Doctor Who guys...
went to download some new messages,
but the threads made me sigh
and all the Pro-Fun Trolls were drinking Wiskey and Rye,
singing 'Cybermen like to eat Pie...oh Cybermen like to eat pie..'

Helter Skelter, in a little while, the sensitive posters ran to the
killfile, starting slow but growing fast, while MDS was having a blast,
telling people to kiss his ass, with Yads on the sidelines in a cast,
now we thought the flame-free days were ahead, when the pro-fun people
started their threads, we all got up to post, but then they all gave up
the the anti-McCoys they stormed the field, the Pro-McCoys
refused to yield...everyone else they simply reeled, the day the
newsgroup died...

we started singing..
bye bye, to you Doctor Who guys
went to download some new messages,
but the threads made me sigh
and all the pro-fun trolls were drinking whiskey and rye
singing 'do you think that Tom Baker's high? oh do you think the fourth
Doc's high?'

Oh and there we all were in one place, a group of posters lost in space,
with a mod group yet to start, so come on...even J2Rider tried to quit,
though his boy Adric's still a tit, because J2 is the Alzarian's only
friend...oh and I watched the crossposters flood the stage, my hands
were clenched in fists of rage, even Snarky, born in hell, could never
break that troller's spell, and as the spam piled high into the night,
to flood our discussions with worthless shite, I saw HDF laughing with
the day the newsgroup died....

so bye, bye,
to you Doctor Who Guys,
went to download some new messages
but the threads made me sigh
and all the Pro-Fun Trolls
were drinking whiskey and rye
singing 'Robert Holmes and Hinchcliffe were wise, oh..Robert Holmes and
Hinchcliffe were wise...'

I met a poster who sang the blues, and I asked him for some happy news,
but Dburns, he just smiled and looked away...I went online to the
mail-order store where I'd seen DOCTOR WHO stuff long before, but the
order form said there'd be a short delay....and on the boards, the
trad-fans screamed, the skeptics cried while the authors dreamed, but
not a word was spoken, for the mod-software was still broken. And the
Authors I've thought had hits, Parkin, Dicks and McIntee, they said
'it's about time to flee!', the day the newsgroup died...
and they were singing...

bye, bye, to you Doctor Who guys,
went to download some new messages
but the threads made me sigh
and all the Pro-Fun trolls were drinking whiskey and rye, singing
'can Ainley's master hypno-tise? oh..can ainley's master hyp-no-tise?'

they were singing
bye bye
to you doctor who guys
went to download some new messages
but the threads made me sigh
and all the pro-fun trolls were drinking whiskey and rye
'this'll be the day that we die, boys..this'll be the day that we die..'



Subject: Re: "Planet of Fire" guest star is gay?

"David A McIntee" (> wrote in
message news:ah1043$cl2$
> "remove hormel to reply" (> wrote
> > I don't understand why you have to redefine what a hero means, just
> because his
> > sexual preferences are different than yours.
> Well you might have some second thoughts if the reason he was your hero
> cos he was such ladykiller...

Oh I don't know - the character isn't the actor. I know most of the actors
in Queer As Folk aren't gay, but it doesn't stop me enjoying their antics
as, er, mankillers. Jason King can still be a fondly remembered hero while
your new, shiny adult self has additional respect for the actor for his
ability to convince you the character was something the actor was not.
Besides, seeing Jason King in action now it's rather hard to take him
seriously as a babe magnet anyway. I mean, I used to think Tom Baker
actually was a mysterious benevolent alien being who strode about being
terribly charismatic. Nowadays of course... oh. Well, it started out as a
good analogy...

--Pete Galey


Subject: Re: Battlefield and Delta and the Bannermen

On Sat, 20 Jul 2002 14:29:28 +0000 (UTC), "David A McIntee"
(> wrote:

>"remove hormel to reply" (> wrote in message
>> These are the only two seventh Doctor stories whose soundtracks have not
>> released.  Some music IS available for Delta (on 25th anniversary album)
>> NONE of Battlefield.
>> I wonder why?
>it's pretty obvious- because it's so utterly awful that even the most
>completist fandboy wouldn't buy it.
>Just get yourself a cheap kids' keyboard out of a junk shop, and tap the
>percussion pad like your hand is an epileptic cockroach and there you have
>it- the music from Battlefield.
>And that's me being diplomatic and kind.

Well they released the bastard offspring of the "mobile phone tones"
and a 56k modem under the guise of the Sea Devils sound track so why
shouldn't Battlefield come out?



Subject: Re: Top 10 Guilty-Pleasure Monsters of the Davison era.

J2rider wrote:
> You missed Adric.

I don't even think this needs a punch line...

--Jerry D


Subject: Re: Daily Mail - Jerry

On Fri, 09 Aug 2002 10:00:16 -0400, JerryD (>

>Ahh.....sounds like fun. it's a weekly, then?

The Daily Mail isn't a weekly. Although it would be wonderfully
postmodern and ironic if it was.

--Lance Parkin



J2rider wrote:
> Well maybe.
> Let's see:
> He gets everyone into trouble because he wants to check out the Dalek
city in
> THE DALEKS, he wants to bash a caveman in the head, he acts like a baby
> ROBOT at the end (if one can't act childish what's the point of growing
> and along the way I am sure others can find dozens of other things.
> Maybe more like Adric than most fans care to admit!

There should have been another thread.



Subject: Re: Doctor Who and the Needs of Blum

JerryD (> wrote:

>the Gods of Ragnarok, on the other hand...well, sit there demanding
>entertainment..but why they aren't more active is largely left up to the
>viewer's imagination...there's no sense of what they'll do after the
>circus finishes cannibalizing itself to appease them...

That's easy: they'll spend the next 15 years on the internet complaining
about how that McCoy chap didn't entertain them enough.

--- Robert Smith?


I could prove it's more than rumour
This post is filled with humour
And worth a reader's while
To Smith? I recommend it
For I myself would send it
If I only had a QUOTEFILE!

Sorry, I don't know what brought that on...

--Daibhid Chiennedelh




--Andrew McCaffrey

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