The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Nov/Dec 97

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the
"best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to
appear in the newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a
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Comment or Review.

On with the quotes!


[Where is evidence of Dalek 'culture' in Who?]

L J Parkin (> wrote:
>No evidence from the show, but if we're going to cite the authority of
>the creator, then:

>From 'The Dalek World' by David Whitaker and Terry Nation:

>"Q: Do (the Daleks) have entertainments?
>A: In a way, yes. Parades of strength, displays of new weapons, mock
>battles etc. Television programmes that deal with the glorious history of
>the Daleks and micro books that tell fictional stories of the universe
>when the Daleks have conquered it". (p82)

Ah, so THIS is the premise of "War of the Daleks." Now I get it.

Bart T. Lammey (> 11/11/97


Brigadier Nathan Rogers (> wrote:
>Test. ]

This has been a test of the Emergency Brigadier's System (the E - BS). The
Usenet systems in this internet area in voluntary cooperation with God and
lesser spirits have developed this system to keep you informed in the event
of an actual Brigadier Nathan Rogers post. If this had been an actual post
from the Brigadier, this warning would have been followed by information on
evacuations and safe shelters. This concludes this test of the Emergency
Brigadier's System.

Benjamin Elliott (> 11/11/97


Skreslet (> wrote
> I liked this one as well. I'm quite sad that my tape of it
> broke.

Obviously it committed hara-kiri, the only honourable thing to do once Time
And The Rani had been recorded on it.

David A. McIntee (> 12/11/97


The big revelation for me in WAR OF THE DALEKS (which I thoroughly
enjoyed throughout) was just how similar these megalomaniacs really

You recall how the Master in the "Amazing Movie" chooses a moment of
high drama in which to suddenly and incomprehensively change into Time
Lord costume?  Well, Davros it is now revealed stopped off on his way
from the Bridge of his Kill-Cruiser to his Escape Pod in REMEMBRANCE
just so as to change from his Emperor outfit back to his usual

Now, that would certainly have been proof of raging insanity at the

Justin Richards (> 12/11/97


Jonathan Blum wrote:
>Apparently there's also a Jonathan Blum who's an executive VP at Taco
>Bell.  Gave me a real double-take when I saw him quoted in USA Today...

I wonder if Dorka Nieradczick ever had that problem?

Rob Stradling (> 13/11/97


[The Sontaran Experiment]

As a sideline, I do find the names of Styre's experiments pretty
hilarious. I wonder if he would have gone on to 'Experiment 9:
Measuring human resistance to decapitation with a nine-inch blade', or
'Experiment 10 : Measuring human resistance to being chopped into lots
of little pieces and jumped on from a very great height'?

Dan Blythe (> 13/11/97


Jonathan Blum (> wrote:
>>[...] that Dalek was quite possibly batty.  After all, he'd just
>>gone swimming in the Thames...

John Peel (> wrote:
>To be honest, I never did figure out why he did that. I mean, it's hardly
>necessary to patrol the bed of a river, is it?

It'd probably heard there was something fishy going on down there.

Cameron Dixon (> 15/11/97


Scotty L10 (> wrote:
>I love the "Time Monster", so you're not alone.  The Time Ram is
>cool.  I love all the plot twists and the whole production was well done I
> think, especially the scenes in Atlantis and the flashbacks. 

The bit in Time Monster that has me in stiches is the poor window
cleaner. What possible plot purpose does he serve? The man is up a
ladder, sees something spooky, falls off and dies. The Master spares
him a casual glance as he walks by, but apparently dead window
cleaners are an everyday event during his grandiose plots, and he
strolls on without even considering that a dead body might just be a
touch suspicous should it be spotted by government functionaries,
who are, *as he knows full well* about to arrive to be shown

Can anyone explain the purpose of this meaningless death?

Russ Massey (> 17/11/97


Dangermouse (> wrote:
>>Ah... I forgot about that. I'll mention it to Steve, since MI is certainly
>>before BU.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote:
>In that case, it's actually set between The Ultimate Foe and Terror of the

Which of course means the same thing as "between Time Inc. and the
Ultimate Foe".  Er, "Between Time Inc. and The Vervoids".  Um, "Between
"The Ultimate Foe" and "The Ultimate Foe"...


Jonathan Blum (> 20/11/97


[Subject: Re: Dr Who games]

Richard Bignell wrote:
> The only DW based playground game I recall playing was "Daleks".
> You'd place your left fist on your forehead (for the eye) and
> stretch out your left hand for the gun or arm. Then it was simply
And woe betide the child who *wasn't* a contortionist. :-)

Shannon Patrick Sullivan (> 21/11/97


[Subject: Re: Timestorm (Convention)]

Brett O'Callaghan wrote:
>>I bet you're all broken up that I'm not going.

David Golding (> wrote:
>Awww, Brett, I'm sure we would have gotten along famously in person.

Well, probably, if you could have gotten past my hump, and my peg-leg,
and my appalling body odour, and the afflication that causes me to
break out into 30's show-tunes at inappropriate times...

Brett O'Callaghan (> 22/11/97


>It's a shame Brian Blessed isn't given proper credit for his range as an
>actor.  In both Dr Who and Blackadder, he plays a King who shouts a lot,
>but think how different both performances are from the King who shouts a
>lot in Flash Gordon...

His repertoire extends to more than just kings who shout a lot. In I Claudius
he plays a Roman Emperor who shouts a lot.

Shagspeare (> 23/11/97


John Long wrote:
>>Hey I can see you feel strongly about this whole Karen McCoy thing but
>>don't take it out on me.  I present other points of view and I don't
>>care if they're wrong.  It makes the group more interesting. 

Shannon Patrick Sullivan (> wrote:
>No, John, it doesn't. Being a shit-stirrer for the sake of being a
>shit-stirrer is neither interesting no welcome. All you've managed to
>accomplish in your months here on r.a.dw is to annoy and aggravate people
>to no end. If that was your intention then, hey, congratulations, you've
>succeeded. It's not something I'd be proud of, though; frankly, I'd have
>expected you to evince a little more maturity.

   I've been thinking. couldn't this function be served equally well by an
automatic, computer-generated John Long?

   I've been playing around lately with a Markov chainer, a program which
creates a table of probabilities that word pairs will be followed by other
words, and then uses those probabilities to build a new text. I fed some of
Mr. Longs old postings in, and in moments I had reams of original,
computer-generated John Long stuff. Some samples:

"I present other points of view and I don't care. I read it. There was some
Pertwee/McCoy battles in it - the metamorphic nature of these creatures on
a world where the tardises seperate and fly off in different directions is
also shit compared to the old video. In summary, You want The Five Doctors
- go get the job done. Lots of people break the law. So what?"

"I think this newsgroup is actually starting to damage my ability to enjoy
DW - my most favorite television show on earth. Why should anyone listen to
me? Well this time we made them listen dammit! Your views on this one. The
props, the costumes, the location work, the sets, were all too angry to
just walk in their office and steal their computer!"

"In fact I blame myself much more than he can chew. This role requires too
much commitment and he can't handle it. Sure he is - and yet we only get a
big jerk then, for he'd be responsible for fucking up DW even more and
that's not unusual for a magazine called Razzle. Now I have no idea what
Razzle is, and supposedly it was meant to stir some emotions and start a
healthy argument. What's wrong with that?"

"You can imagine my response while seeing Terminus for the first time - me
and Azaxyr and Gregg, Geoff, Blum and the point spread is as follows ...
Your first choice --- four points Your fourth choice --- four points Your
third choice --- four points Your fourth choice --- four points Your fourth
choice --- one point In this way we will be able to do the same thing I do,
just with more enthusiasm."

"The extra footage is mostly shit, especially the bit where Sarah throws
rocks at a small movie theater in Wilkes-Barre, PA."

"They seem to write in a big world where the seasons last 500 years, some
intriguing stuff but that's not unusual for a Pertwee story. This was
vintage Pertwee. It's no surprise that I might have been wrong about Paul
Cornell. Please listen everyone, I wanted them to know that a six-part
story in one sitting can become difficult. So breaking it into three and
three is a good thing?"

   All Mr. Long has to do is choose one of these paragraphs and paste it
into his newsreader. Then he will have more free time to do whatever it is
he does in his free time.

   The best part is that everyone else can come up with their own standard
responses to Mr. Long's standard responses, thus relieving us of the need
to formulate new ones. Indeed, we could potentially automate entire
bothersome threads in this fashion - favorite stories, McCoy bashing,
rumors about an animated series, etc. - so that we would no longer have to
think about them.

M. Wesley Osam (> 23/11/97


Charles Daniels wrote:

>Well he's a weird annoying, not so good parody for you:

>"It was 34 years ago today, Doctor Who taught the beeb to play,
>he's been going in and out of style, but he's guaranteed to raise
>a smile, so let me introduce to you, after one and all these years,
>Doctor Who's Amazing Time Machine!"

Well, while we're on the Beatles theme:

Picture yourself in a boat on a river with plasticene trees and blue
painted skies.  Somedalek shoots you, you answer quite slowly, the
beastie with periscope eyes.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green dangling over your head.  Look
for the crystal with blue in its sides and it's gone.

Loonie in the sky with Davros. Ah Ah.

Follow it down to a cliff by a quarry where Shockeye makes people eat
marshmen in pies.  Everyone fires as you sneak past the flowers that
reach down and grab on your thighs.

Licorice monsters appear on the shore, waiting to transmat away.  Climbs
on your back with your head in its hands and it's gone.

Lucky he's so sly with daemons. Ah Ah.

Picture yourself near a train in a station, with posthumous porters and
yeti beam eyes.  Suddenly something is there in the shadows: the TARDIS

Locked up as a spy by Dragons. Ah Ah.

Bill Billingsley (> 24/11/97


On the 12th Day of Christmas (Countdown) The Doctor gave to me:

Twelve Timelord Regenerations
Eleven Drashigs a'gnashing,
Ten TARDISes a'vworping,
Nine T'Lords a'bickering,
Eight spoons a'clicking,
Seven guards a'dying,
Six key segments,
Five *Time* rings,
Four cybermats,
Three carboard Daleks,
Two screaming girls,
And a grubby bag of jellybabies.

[Contributions by twelve different radwers]


[Excerpts from six Terrance Dicks novelizations, one for each of the first
six Doctors run through a Markov Chainer]

Jamie was a large, brightly lit, ultra-modern control room, with a slight
tendency towards overweight. Beneath the mop of curly hair, the face was round,
full-lipped and sensual, with a gentle, rather comical face, and a shock of
untidy black hair. He was very much older. He wore the dress of an old police
box materialized out of place. Inside the laboratory of the police box was an
impossibly large control room, dominated by a sprig of celery...

In his present form he was very kind, in his sixties, though in reality he was
male and she was very fond of him. But he did seem to have a knack of wandering
into the little scanner screen, almost hopping up and down until it reached the
eminence, unwanted though it was, of Lord High President of Gallifrey.

Sarah looked thoughtfully at him. At times like this, she realized she knew
very little about the Doctor, who she said was her grandfather.

They had seen many wonders, and undergone many strange adventures. Such is the
adaptability of the TARDIS. (The Doctor had brought her a number of rather
nerve-shattering experiences. But despite her initial timidity, she was female.
Probably he just had a rather sheltered upbringing.

There were three people in the mistaken belief that it was bigger on the

...a very tall, very angry man sprang out. He was wearing an old black coat,
and a shock of untidy black hair. He was very much older. He wore check
trousers, a frock-coat and a long black tie. He had flowing white hair and an
open-necked shirt. The whole ensemble was finished off with a mysterious
traveler through Time and Relative Dimensions In Space. Then had begun to seem
more and more like a kind of velvet trouser-suit with elaborately puffed
sleeves. Her name was Nyssa, and she came originally from a planet called
Earth. Inwardly it was slowly coming to a life of Space/Time travel. Though
they still hoped to see their home worlds again. Nyssa had left Traken after
the tragic death of her time, had had a rather sheltered upbringing. Her
travels with the Doctor seemed to be growing younger rather than older. In his
present form he was very fond of him. But he did himself.

He had flowing white hair and a very long time ago, they had followed her
home. To their amazement, they had now adjusted to a halt. 

The Doctor had been a bit of a Victorian antique dealer, who had lost his life
during a terrifying adventure with the occasional rumblings of thunder.  A
square blue police box with a slight tendency towards overweight.  Beneath the
mop of curly hair, the face was round, full-lipped and sensual, with a
battered, broad-rimmed hat jammed onto a tangle of curly hair. An
extraordinarily long scarf was wound round his neck. He shook his fist at the
lowering night sky and shouted, "All right! Come on out! Just show yourselves,
I dare you!" A slender, dark-haired girl followed him out of nowhere, and
suddenly a rather slight, fair-haired young man and a proud, imperious face,
with more than a touch of ruthless cunning. The three others were more ordinary
in appearance.

Suddenly the police box was an impossibly large control room, dominated by a
sprig of celery in the TARDIS^=D2s guidance circuitry. Although it could travel in
Space and Time.  In return they expected him to discover that it was all the
time to be growing younger rather than older.

Corey Klemow (> 26/11/97


RobXXVIII (> wrote:
>   This is a plausible ret-con of ressurection, but there
>is one question I would like answered.
>  The daleks use information about the 7th Doctors plans
>to trick the 4th. Depending on how time travel works
>we either have an event without cause (Davros
>was revived because the Daleks knew he would be
>because he was revived), or if the 4th Doctors future
>wasn't fixed then the Daleks risked changing
>his actions so the 7th would never launch the Hand
>producing a paradox.

> Either way the Time Lords should have noticed what
>was going on. Why did they take no action?

   "Temporal Engineer Galnac, my lord?"
   Galnac roused himself from his slumber behind his desk, shaking
off a fine layer of dust in the process.  Oh, bother, another
interruption.  Those young whippersnappers down in Temporal Control
couldn't seem to manage themselves for more than a couple of centuries
without having to come running to him for help.
   There was one of them right now, staring at him from across his
desk -- a young Time Technician named Volnar, or Kelvac, or some silly
two-syllable name like that.  Galnac peered over his spectacles at the
stammering young man.  "Mm?  What is it, my boy?"
   Volnar drew himself up to his full height.  "Sir, our monitors
have detected a temporal paradox induced by the Daleks.  They're
attempting to alter the pre-observed incident in their history coded by us
as 5J based on records they've obtained of its outcome."
   "And what does that have to do with us, mm?" muttered Galnac
   Volnar brightened and began to unroll an impressively large chart
across the top of everything piled on Galnac's desk.  Galnac winced.
Typical of the younger generation, that was -- some of the items he'd
placed there had been undisturbed for millenia, but here he was going
strewing new facts and ideas and *details* on top of them all
   "As you can see," began Volnar, "This paradox will result in
complete alterations to the underlying historical basis of the observed
events coded 6P, 6Z, and 7H as well as 5J --"
   "Broadest view possible, my boy," snapped Galnac.  "Don't bother
me with trivia."
   Cut off in mid-flow, Volnar fumbled with his thoughts for a
moment.  Finally, he admitted, "The causality violation will create a
self-contained loop.  The status of the Daleks afterwards will be exactly
the same as before incident 5J ever happened. A complete return to status
   "Ooh, status quo," echoed Galnac, and giggled contentedly to
himself.  "I like the sound of that."
   "But sir, this paradox will result in the dechronologization of
major historical events such as the Doctor's destruction of Skaro--"
   "One moment," stumbled Galnac.  "Destruction of Skaro?"
   "Yes sir.  In incident 7H."
   "Oh," said Galnac with a forlorn look on his face, "That doesn't
sound like status quo at all."  Then he brightened.  "But you're saying
that if this paradox happens, then the result of the Doctor's meddling
will never have had happened?"
   "Not as previously perceived, no, sir," Volnar said stiffly.
   Galnac grinned.  "Well, then, there's your answer."  He raised a
creaking finger and gestured Volnar towards the door.  "Continue normal
monitoring, Technician, and make no attempt to affect their paradox.  Oh,
and under no circumstances are you to warn the Doctor, there's a good
   Volnar bowed and scraped his way out, and Galnac settled back in
his chair.
   "I never liked the little bugger anyway," he said, and went back
to sleep.

Jon Blum (> 24/11/97


After much demand from fans, and after much research I have built the
solid base for a new Puppet Version of Doctor Who!  Doctor Who was
stolen heartlessly from the never made puppet time travel children show
"The Time Travellers" which tried to get made for the 1959 and 1960
seasons.  I have adapted scripts from such Science Fiction Classics as The
Time Travellers, Lost In Space, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, The Six
Million Dollar Man, Tales of Tomorrow, The New Twilight Zone, The Planet
of the Giants and placed them in a Doctor Who puppet universe format.

The characters:

Doctor Who - a crazy old bearded puppet who likes to time travel in
             his TARDIS shaped like a puppet stage

Roger Who - Doctor Who's wacky brother and uncle to Susan Who, the
            Doctor's mentioned but unseen grand daughter, he often
            gets into trouble and provides comic relief

Jamie Llanfair - A drunken Welsh puppet who does most the fighting
                 with his Claymore

Janine, Princess of Time - cast off with Doctor and Roger Who, Janine
                           basically serves as cliffhanger fodder -
                           being captured by aliens or Jamie Llanfair
                           She is also a female wizard who knows spells

The Stories:

Doctor Who, Roger Who, and Janine - of royal blood - run away from there
home in the year 5733 to live in 18th Century Wales.  Caught by the
Welshmen while trying to operate a TV without a license Jamie is whisked
away in adventures in time and space.

I have written 140 stories, and have made 44 individual puppets, but you
will see those all later.


This has been approved both by the BBC and the CIA (the agency that had
Doctor Who cancelled in 1989 for getting to close to the truth!  Note
that in 1963 that had JFK killed to ruin the ratings for Doctor Who in the
First Place but then backed off for 26 years as not to be too obvious).
The show will air on BBC2 starting next calender year.

Alexei Sayle is the main Producer and also will appear as the voice and
operator of Roger Who.

Other cast include:  Tori Spelling (Janine), Rik Mayall (Jamie), and
                     Charles Daniels (Doctor Who)


"Obviously using the puppet format it's been hard to stay completely
faithful to the original but I think I've done a great, if not utterly
brilliant, job.  I've seen nothing but warmth and support from the BBC,
and getting a studio was absolutely no problem, they gave me the use of
the ever so lovely Studio D.  It's been great going and I see this program
running for 52 years at least, even though if things don't go well
intially I am willing to pull it after 51 years.  I hope the kiddies don't
mind all the swearing, blood, and gratitous violence as I am sure Mary
Whitehouse will."   - Interview for The Big Breakfast, 1997

Charles Daniels (> 1/12/97


Charles Daniels (> wrote:

>You know that's what I read too but recently someone who sounded very
>informed, I can't recall who, said they didn't want to do another Daleks
>film and were going to do an original story called "Dr. Who And the

    "The Doctor has stolen my Illudium PU-36 Explosive Space
Modulator! That makes me very angry! Now I won't be able to blow up
the Earth!"

Dave Connell (> 1/12/97


Steven K. Manfred (> wrote:

>The name SIDRAT was used in one episode (7, I think) by the War Chief
>describing how they couldn't tell where the Doctor, Jamie, and
>Carstairs were heading in their escape from the headquarters. 
>They did not explain on screen what it stood for. 

Space In Dimensions, Relative and Time?

Graham Nelson (> 1/12/97

Marcus Durham (> wrote:
>Tabloid Who Headlines?

School Teacher Sex Scandal! - Away For Two Years On Planet Of Love
The Doctor Makes My Heart Melt - Confesses Ice Warrior Girl Teen
Resistance Is Futile - Read The Shocking Details of the Cybermen S&M
I Touched Myself! - Brigadier's Shocking Confession
The Dalek Invasion of Sex!
Vicki says to Daleks "Chase ME!"
Underground Shut Down?  No news Yeti!
What The Doctor and Romana Are Really Searching For!
Black Guardian's Gardening Tips
The Dominator's Fashion Secrets Revealed!

Charles Daniels (> 1/12/97


   Dear Puppet Who Lovers,
   I, the creator of "Puppet Who", am insane.  I eat j-ello for breakfast,
   I shot at Ronald Reagan to impress Wendy Padbury, I am worst than a
   Dalek on meth, I am a living breathing Davros.  I have fellowed an
   innocent crazy dude, I search his garbage, I hypnotise his cat, I
   eat all his breakfast cereal and blame it on rats!
   And now, the TRUTH!  The CRAZY DUDE is crazy!  Not me!  That's why
   HE'S the Crazy Dude and *I* am the beloved creator of Puppet Who.
   Rik Mayall and Alexei Sayle told me just today that I was beloved
   and that Crazy Dude was a crazy dude!  This isn't coming from me!

   Crazy Dude now wishes to hire Johnny Cochrane and the Ghost of Elvis,
   Yes the ghost of Elvis -- see how sane I am and how crazy Crazy dude
   is? --  to convincethe CIA to use it's extra powers to kill me, hence
   eliminating the production of Puppet Who.  However I have my entire
   staff hidden in a mountain near Area 51 to assure that even in event
   of nuclear holocaust I can provide the fans with new exciting puppet

   I want Crazy Dude to sue me!  I want YOU to sue me!  Sue me for
   anything!!  I don't care!  Please please sue me!  Hey I'm free next
   Tuesday -- sue me if you DARE!  I really don't care!  I'm asking,
   no, BEGGING you to sue me!!  I'll say "ass", did you read that!
   I wrote "ass"!  For NO reason!!  Sue me!  You're offended!
   My pal Major T. Nelson knows where you live and is on my side
   so sue me a scarf of hate buddy boy!   If Crazy Dude sues me he'll
   get the electric chair because he left a me an answering machine
   message but mocked me by omitting a number to return his call.
   See now how Crazy Dude is???

   People have slandered my Puppet Who project for their own twisted,
   petty, ego-based schemes!   I urge everyone on earth to meditate
   out positive energy and only say nice things about puppets and
   Doctor Who these next few months to insure my Puppet Who higher
   ratings than Coronation Street.  I love crazies who pollute the
   earth's positive ion sphere with dark thoughts about evil puppets
   and "bad" Doctor Who projects as my mystic adviser assures me
   any criticism of my ideas is heresy and he shall build a curse
   against them!

   Have *I* ever used demonic powers in an attempt to destroy a puppet
   science fiction project? No!   Have *I*, King of the Puppets,
   spread vicious rumors about Puppet Who and erected a temple in
   Covent Gardens to help Nazis bash Doctor Who?  No!
   Have I supported "tha' man"?  Never!
   Crazy Dude said I did bad stuff to him, but there no no evidence of
   this at all..and even if there WERE I'd have burnt it by now.

   Why is Crazy Dude against Puppet Who?  Was he molested by Puppets or
   Puppet "Handlers" as a youth??  Crazy Dude should look at and blame
   himself!   I have PROOF Crazy Dude is nuts!!  But do I present this
   proof in a well mannered well reasoned fashion!  No, I refuse to mention
   Crazy Dudes nutso history to protect them and will never mention they
   are nuts in any public forum.

   Actually, I am far too busy building Puppets and having sex with
   famous people to do something lowly and sad like mention Crazy Dude
   loves Kitty Porn.
   I speak the truth here most of all - Crazy Dudes Hates Doctor Who,
   Crazy Dude Hates Puppets, Crazy Dude discovered that Gerry Anderson
   the man he considers, in his personal Cult, is the third incarnation
   of Satan ans his fellowers rushed out to destroy all he touched.
   If this cult continues Gerry Anderson may never work
   you see why I have called the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms
   to see if I could have them all killed based on a few filmsy charges.

   Crazy Dude and his Nutjob pals won't stop at Puppet Who, there next
   Target is all Puppets EVERYWHERE!  They will stop at nothing to persecute
   all private and publicly owned puppet shows, then they will move on
   to there next target - Science Fiction ITSELF!!!  They plan to ban,
   then burn all Science Fiction novels, movies, concepts and then urge
   innocent people into watching American Gladiators and Australian Soaps!

   There are lots of posts and articles and books and even thought waves
   against me and Puppet Who, the cult hides them as words and thoughts
   and concepts from many across the world but they all come from the
   "master" intelligence that is Crazy Dude.  A really honest review of
   Puppet Who would be a really honest review, at least that's what
   "really honest" means!!!  Really honest does mean you lie and threaten
   innocent Puppet Who actors from doing live television interviews.

   I am also annoyed that my nice calm questions and comments to
   Crazy Dude, such as "Man you really are f#(^ing crazy aren't you?!"
   and "My giant iguana is gonna' kill you you bastard!" was met only
   but an unusual and never explained hostility.

   What is this message about Puppet Lovers?  I dunno, I'm pissed out
   of my gourd!   Sure I want some money, and fan girl slave groupees,
   and nice interviews on British TV, and occasional oral sex from fashion
   models - but WHO doesn't?   And if I can get all that by writing some
   crappy, yet high quality, Puppet Who Adventures, WHY NOT?!?!
   Did I mention that I once killed a guy just to watch him die,
   eat my weight in jelly babies to deprive them as a possible food
   source to starving children?  Course I did!!! 

   Believe Me?  I hope so!  That's how much of a crazy wanker I am! 
   I will not be doing my planned Puppet signing tour in London, Oxford,
   Lichfield, Guildford, Prat's Bottom, the Isle of Wight, and Tokyo
   ever as there are too many Welsh people in all of these places
   as I am bigotted and easily frightened by the overuse of the letter
   Mine, Mine, The World is MINE!
   Charles "No Strings" Daniels
   President and Head Puppet of
   Wanker Puppet Productions Inc.
   MMmm!  I LOVE Roast Beef!

Charles Daniels (> 2/12/97


Crazy Dude?

This "open letter" is yet another sick ploy by Mr. Daniels -- surely you
can see how desperate the man is? Does this letter make any sense at
all? Is there syntax, grammar, punctuation, spelling? Well, yes, there
is. But I detect the ravings of a lunatic -- the "delusions of godhood"
so common to schizophrenics.

I will not attempt to deny Mr. Daniels boiled a rabbit to block my
attempts to ferret out the web of lies he has told about his so-called
"puppet Who." The evidence is in the police reports on my website, and
at police headquarters here in Minneapolis, and in Mr. Daniels' own
comment, "Yes, I boiled a rabbit, you sick bastard. So what?"

I will also not attempt to deny his false claims that he had anything to
do with any other British television shows, or television at all. I have
evidence that Mr. Daniels doesn't even own a television, or even know
what "television" is. In one of his obsessive letters to Wendy Padbury
(posted on my website, you can see the evidence for yourselves) he
marvels at the "magic pictures" in the "little box" at Sears.

I will not refute his claims that I am using demonic powers to block his
Puppet Who. I may or may not be affiliated with the Lord of Darkness,
but who I drink with is besides the point.

All I will say is -- view the evidence for yourself. I will also say
that Charles Daniels is a complete, utter waste of human flesh, a fraud,
a forgery, a circus freak, and that his brain should be removed from his
body and fed to a pack of rabid wolves for our amusement.

I use reason. I use logic. I show you proof. He gives you crazy
rhetoric. Who are you going to believe?

Oh yeah, by the way, read this:

From: Capt. Joe Lala, Federal Bureau of Investigations
Re: Charles Daniels

regarding your investigations into one Mr. Charles Daniels, we have
received evidence to wit that Mr. Daniels is, in fact, three women.

Now who you gonna believe?

jonno (> 2/12/97


Andrew Vogel (> wrote

>For instance, in my Doctor Who, the Brigadier retired in 1976.

And in *my* Doctor Who, the Brigadier was dishonorably
discharged in 1958 for having intimate relations with a
Zygon on the parade field. 

Admittedly, it's difficult to fit other facts of continuity
around this theory, but trust me, it's worth it in the
long run.

Michael Montoure (> 2/12/97


BFElliott wrote in article

>In fact, none of my books have ever engaged me in a conversation.
>They're all dumb!

Don't let the one sided nature of the conversation stop you though, Ben.  I
told a series of particularly amusing anecdotes to Birthright, and we
laughed the night away.  I agonized over my problems to Room With No Doors,
then opened the book at random for a piece of philosphistry which put
everything into perspective for me.  And I had a long (if somewhat
repetitive) conversation with Paul Cornell's debut BenNA when I said "This
is the most amusing novel I have read in ages", glanced down at the book's
title and felt the need to defend my comment with a simple assertion (and

Daniel Gooley (> 2/12/97

================================ (Steve Roberts) wrote:

>A little bird tells me that some of the NA/MA authors are contributing
>books to Virgin's new Homo-erotica imprint. Apparently they are naming
>the books after episodes of Doctor Who ('The Velvet Web') etc!

Hang on, don't just stop at using an episode title for the title of the
book, structure a whole story of a sexual exploit around them . . .

It would be the tale of a Desperate Venture, of course, as young Gary (as
we may call our hero) takes a Journey into Terror into a dodgy S&M club,
escapes a Trap of Steel in the Crater of Needles.

Fleeing, The Search continues on an equally Dangerous Journey to a bland
central London indie-club where A Bargain of Necessity is made. Waking up
the next morning with sense of degredation and compromise, Gary faces a
Day of Darkness. The Ordeal is only over after The Escape to the beautiful
city of Prague, where our hero finds true and lasting happiness with a

Add some sex (I can give you some advice on that) and you could be
spending that 27.50 Virgin advance tomorrow! (well, maybe The End of

Gary Gillatt (> 5/12/97


(> wrote:
>Personally, I also loved Ross's claim (during the panel) that an episode
>could be completely animated in *three weeks*!

My personal favourite was hearing Ross say "Something new happens on this
panel every day" to which someone (who shall remain nameless) whispered
"Police action, court injunctions, slander suits...".

[No, I'm not revealing this person's name!] 5/12/97


Marcus Durham (> wrote:
>This is rec.arts.drwho for keepers sake, not a sexual fantasies group
>for people who don't get out much.

Out?  I have heard of a land outside these walls..what do you know if it?
What beasts have you seen an down battle with?   Is it true that out there
in this mysterious land are men like me and you but oddly lumpy?  These
are strange tales I have but heard...tell me of this thing called
"socializing"  it sounmds a most bizarre magic..

Charles Daniels (> 8/12/97


Reuben Herfindahl (> wrote:
>>I was just reading DWM 257 (I know, a bit behind reality) and enjoying
>>Mark Strickson's Answers in Out of the TARDIS and noticed once again
>>that another Who actor is an athiest.  It seems like evry time I read
>>the column, the actor or actress confesses to being an athiest.  Not
>>that this is a bad thing, I happen to be one myself, but it got me
>>wondering how many former Who actors/actress are athiest and beyond that
>>how many of the more devoted Who fans are as well.

Rayctate (> wrote:
>Well, I'm an agnostic.

I'm a member of the sisterhood of Karn. Well, I was before the sex

Marcus Durham (> 7/12/97


Reuben Herfindahl  (> wrote:
>I would rather like to do a tally.  I'll put up a nice web page for this
>later, but for now I'd like to just do a rather informal poll via
>e-mail.  Let me know yeah God, or yeah Jo Grant, or yeah whatever you
>believe in or don't. 

I believe in the power of the Dark Thread Attractors -- those pits of
concentrated malevolence which distort the space-time around r.a.dw, and
thus assure that certain threads will *always* bend in the direction of
darkness:  thus every thread involving religion will inevitably become a
thread featuring Jill Deel on an at-best-tangentially-related soapbox;
every thread involving the books will, if left long enough, become a canon
thread; and every thread to which John Long posts loudly enough will
become a thread about John Long.

Repent now, O toiling masses of r.a.dw, and let not these forces lead thy
foot into the steaming darkness of off-topic bullsh*t...

Jon Blum (> 7/12/97


Cory Mccasland (> wrote:
>>>Two things never to bring up in RADW if you want civil conversation:

>>>Sexual Preference

David Atkins (> wrote:
>>Three things. You forgot Canon;-)

Andrew D. Wright wrote:
>Four things: Politics.

Five things: Doctor Who.  That's just asking for trouble.

JOHN LONG (> 11/12/97


Charles Daniels ( wrote:

>>Sure!  Well I am interested.  Of coutse Timelords are aliens with most
>>iunusual physical traits and abilities so I imagine there would be way
>>Susan can be percieved in their culture to be both!

Susannah Tiller (> wrote:

>Both? You mean Susan's both the Doctor's drandaughter and his mother?
>Ewwww! ;-)

Does that make the Doctor a grandfather paradox?

Alan Taylor (> 11/12/97

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