The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Nov/Dec 98

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)


[Subject: Re: The original Sam Jones]

Dangermouse (> wrote:
>>It's also possible that Terrance left it deliberately vague in order to
>>allow the later writers a lot more freedom to make stuff up for themselves
>>rather than be led by having everything nailed down.

Mike Sivier wrote:
>This post has led me to wonder how much flesh Terrance put on the
>bones of Jo Grant or Sarah Jane Smith.

WANTED (L Seeking L)

Straight Line, 22 words long, seeks Wicked Pisstake Line.  Sexual innuendo
and/or Terrance Dicks fat jokes welcome.  Please reply to Mike Sivier, c/o
The original Sam Jones", rec.arts.drwho, USENET.

Corey Klemow (> 3/11/98


[Subject: Re: DR WHO MOVIE]

OJ THORNTON (> wrote:
>Apart from the Master believing he is from the retinal pattern, and the
>Doctor's throwaway line to distract the atomic clock's inventor, there is
>no other evidence either way.   I have merely pointed out that this is

I have to wonder if people were this desperate to retcon the new ideas
introduced in, say, "Deadly Assassin" or "War Games".  Or for that matter,
"Power of the Daleks".  "Apart from Polly believing he is, and the
Doctor's throwaway lines about a couple of props, there is no other
evidence either way that this new clown really is the Doctor.  Maybe his
body's just been taken over by Belphegor or something..."  Did a young
John Peel sit there scribbling a story which would prove that Pat
Troughton was an impostor and bring the real Hartnell Doctor back?

Jon Blum (> 5/11/98


[Subject: The Right-Handed Mockingbird]

         He gripped the kitchen knife in his hand and
         walked towards the figure. 'Mr. Ewell?' He said.

         1925: Widow Atkinson wakes up and finds her
         dentures missing
         1933: Nathan Radley fills up a knothole in his
         tree with cement
         1943: Someone steals ninety-five old shovels from
         the scrap metal drive
         1963: Scout Finch takes potshots at President
         Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll

         Each time, Atticus is there. Each time he
         experiences a presence which he can only describe
         as "Boo". Perhaps the Doctor could help him, but
         the Doctor has his own problems, like trying to
         find his companion Sam a personality. Following
         the events of "The Great Gatsby" and "The Catcher
         In The Rye", the Doctor is trying more than ever
         to gets his hands on a visitor's ass. Now he finds
         that the events within his own diary had altered
         - and a lethal force from some hick-town in America
         has been unleashed.

         The Doctor, Sam, and the coat-rack, now returned
         from Frontios with more of a personality than Sam
         and Katrina combined, travel to depression era
         Alabama, to London in the primeval night where
         there are still people around to bitch about
         Thatcher, and to the sexual escapades aboard the
         U.S.S. Iowa as they attempt to rectify Sam's
         complete and utter lack of personality - and
         survive the attacks of the pain-in-the-ass Azaxyr.

Chris Schumacher (> 7/11/98


>>> Charles, you might be the one to answer this question that's been
>>> bugging me for a while - why is there a Tellytubby Monthly Magazine,
>>> when the target demographic is kids who can't even talk yet?

Mark Phippen (> wrote:
>Actually, the target audience is around the age of 2 - certainly my
>who is 2 and a bit, can speak perfectly well, and can also read certain

>>Well there are many MANY sad college-age fans in Britian and
>>maybe parents would want it,

>Speaking as a parent who *has* bought the magazine I can say that it is
>perfectly suited to it's audience. It's mainly photographs, stories (my
>daughter *loves* these and makes he own up), pictures to colour in etc etc.
>fine for 2 year olds.

In 20 years I imagine it'll be full of interviews with former
Tellytubbies, Archive features on classic episodes, news about the
American Tellytubbie movie, and a comic strip which controversially
contradicts the Tellytubby novels.

Daniel Frankham (> 7/11/98


PeterIbrahim (> wrote:
>PS - Is Adrian Rigelsford the guy who wrote The Doctors - 30 Years of Time
>Travel and Beyond, or something like that?  Any other 'books' he's written?

He did an autobiography:

"Adrian Rigelsford - My Struggle With Lies" - In the book Adrian details
                     his life and interviews many people who have known
                     him (including Elvis, Hitler and Larry Grayson).
                     Adrian also omits to mention an entire section
                     of his life.

Marcus Durham (> 7/11/98


Tim Roll-Pickering (> wrote:
>The Dalek Cutaways (ditto)-It's much more obvious on one of the clips
>from Australia that the Dalek crows are cardboard cutouts-you can even
>see their stands

Oh, I don't know, I always thought the Dalek crows were
fairly convincing.  I thought they were especially effective
in the scene where they're chased off by the Mechanoid

Michael J. Montoure (> 9/11/98


[Subject: Re: Nestenes (was: Re: Giant Squids!!)]

SV7 (> wrote:
>I think the idea was that the squid/octopus/hairy-tentacled-thing shape
>was the optimum vessel for the Nestene to use to conquer Earth. It
>already knew this from the first invasion in "Spearhead," so when they
>appeared in "Terror" they were anticipating the form they would take
>when they invaded Britain's plastic.

"We, the terrifuing Nestenes, shall descend from space and invade Britain's
plastic!! octopi!!!" Mwu-huhuhuhuhuhuhurrrr!!!! As plans go,
it's a bit shit really. were they given that task on some intergalactic
version of Cilla's 'Moment of Truth'?

Steev (> 10/11/98


Rob McDade wrote:
>>Exactly! Incidentally The Five Doctors was made thanks to a huge pile of
>>money from the ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corp.)

Daniel Gooley wrote:
>Note that this was a huge pile of *Australian* money, and hence was used to
>purchase the vase of flowers on Crichton's desk in the UNIT scene.

Even when it didn't look like plastic Monopoly money, it wasn't worth much

And in an alternative universe, fans debate the canonicity of the Australian
telemovie, starring Gary Sweet and Philip Quast.

"It was nice to see that special cameo from Barry Humphreys as the old
but the bicycle chase across Sydney seemed a little gratuitus."

"I just couldn't accept that the Master was executed by the One Nation
they should have got on so well."

"The scene at the end, where the Doctor walks up to his dead companions and
sprinkles them with glitter left over from the Mardi Gras had me in tears.
Especially when nothing happens and, after kicking them a few times, utters
immortal line "Well, bugger that then.""

Gary Gillat writes:
"At the end, we are touchingly and amusingly reminded that this is the same
character when he settles down with his predecessor's beer and listens to
Bloody Wilson on the gramophone."

Slake (> 10/11/98


[Subject: Re: Remembrance of the Daleks -Lousy Story]

>>You've got a point on the time of day, but I really don't see what
>>Ace's dietary choices have to do with anything.

Azaxyr (> wrote:
>So she eats 4 bacon sandwiches in about
>five minutes or less, judging by the next
>scene, pays for it with money she doesn't
>recognize (apparently not British money),
>doesn't even think the Dr might want one,
>and the very fact that she eats *4* bacon

A police box that travels through time *and* space.
A being who can change his appearance *13* times and live for
*thousands* of years.
Floating caskets that can control the power of a *sun*.
Mutant *aliens* with projected energy weapons.
Gigantic alien spacecraft that can wipe out an entire *planet*.
A teenager who eats *4* bacon sandwiches in *5* minutes.

JohN (> 11/11/98


[Subject: Regeneration (Was:Re: Dating the post-Millenium years.)]

O J Thornton wrote:
>I feel that, with regeneration, if anyone can
>even understand it, it's probably not weird enough to be true.   All I
>know is that it generally involves the release of a lot of energy as
>Oliver Thornton

Suddenly, the door gave way and Ben tumbled into the console room,
closely followed by Polly. They stopped in amazement as they saw the old
man collapsed in a heap on the floor. Slowly, his features began to
blur, to flow, to become indistinct...
"Ben! D'you remember what he said about 'this old body getting a bit
"Wot? So 'e goes an' gets hisself a new one?!"
"Look, duchess, I fink it's abaat ti....what the FUCK'S *that*?!"
Ben's finger gestured wildly as a figure materialised by the console.
"Oh, him", said Polly, "that's just Oliver Thornton."
"A tear, Sarah-Jane? No, don't cry....While there's
life...there's...Oliver... Thor...."
His new bratty companions gathered around the crushed, broken,
Cat-Mangled-Under-The-Wheels-Of-A-Mack-Truck body of the Doctor.
He stared vacantly, as though he was unsure of his surroundings.
"It's the end," he said, "but the moment has been prepared for..."
He stopped speaking, because clearly no-one was paying any attention to
him, but rather to the ghostly, etherial, cobwebbed figure drifting
towards them.
"Oliver Thornton!" proclaimed Adric.
"So he was the Doctor all along..." breathed Nyssa.
"Actually, he's just a manifestation of the excess energy produced as a
result of regeneration," Adric began.
"Shut up, Adric!" said everybody.
"Leave Oliver Thornton; it's the man I want!"

Ben Woodhams (> 12/11/98


[Subject: Re: Regeneration (Was:Re: Dating the post-Millenium years.)]

Ben Woodhams wrote:

> O J Thornton wrote:
> >I feel that, with regeneration, if anyone can
> >even understand it, it's probably not weird enough to be true.   All I
> >know is that it generally involves the release of a lot of energy as
> >Oliver Thornton

> (snip>

> "Leave Oliver Thornton; it's the man I want!"

"That's three I's in one breath, makes you sound a rather egotistical young
"But what happened?"
"Oliver Thornton, my dear, and not a moment too soon!"

Scott Andrews (> 12/11/98


Kilduskland (> wrote:
>What things do people keep on display at work to show the world that
>they^̉re a Dr Who fan?

>I'm looking for inspiration.  I've got the traditional photos of the kids
>etc. on my desk, but I'm looking for something Who-ish to add to it -
>something non-conformist that won't alarm the bosses too much!

>Most original suggestion will be put into action - possibly!

Well, my day begins when I put on my Doctor Who underpants and drive to
work in my perfect replica of the Whomobile (I still can't get it to
wobble unconvincingly when it flies, however). I station a police box in
the corner of my office, just so that I can pretend to be working on the
dematerialisation circuit whenever passers by wander in.

I have a white hatstand by the door with a small battery pack at the base.
When I'm feeling bored, I'll occasionally buzz the cleaning lady with it
while dressed in a school uniform. I've also decorated my office to look
like a spaceship - only it's the spaceship from Invasion of the Dinosaurs,
so I get that special feeling when I walk outside into the real world,
secretly knowing that Operation Golden Age could be almost upon us.

I had to restructure my computer so that it hums Wagner and displays a
funky wobbly line that quivers when it speaks to me, but I got the booming
voice down just right and whenever I disagree with it, it laughs at me and
says "Stevens, you *are* a sentimentalist!" For recreation I listen to
jazz and my Doctor Who CDs on a simple eighties stereo... incorporated
with a holographic display showing the positions of Cyberfleets. Whenever
I answer the phone I always do so by saying "Kandyman".

When I use the shredder, I like to pretend that the paper going into it
will serve a greater purpose in the glorious gardens of Chase Manor.
Occasionally I'll shred a black leather glove when no one's around, just
so I can pretend to grasp it as it tragically slides away. When the
pigeons come by my window I order my secretary in and hand her the rubber
bands, saying "Miss Johnston. Chaps with wings - five rounds rapid."

I like to spend my lunch hour asleep in my full size replica of the Hand
of Omega coffin. For afternoon snacks I'll alternate between jelly babies
and Sil's marshminnows. As the clock drags its way to 5:00, I usually try
to stay awake and interview clients while wearing the clockwork orange
thingy from the telemovie. It's surprisingly comfortable.

Only in the evenings, when I get home to my apartment (decorated to look
like a police box on the front door, but a grandiose white control room,
with paper plates stuck to the walls inside) do I allow my obsession to
*really* flourish.

Robert Smith? (> 12/11/98


[Subject: Re: Remembrance of the Daleks -Lousy Story]

>>>Floating caskets that can control the power of a *sun*.

>>Only in RotD, and yes, it's silly. (TARDIS66) wrote:
>How would you prefer the casket move about?

Hundreds of little legs.

Conrad (> 12/11/98


Skreslet (> wrote:
>Did you skip your medication today, Charles? You're having megalomaniac
>attacks. :)

Medication?  No, no it is a mere side effect of the regenerative
process, the disruption of my body at a cellular level, each
disruption will be lesser until it you
know what a Skreslet is???

Charles Daniels (> 15/11/98


[Subject: Re: Who's this Philip Segal guy?]

JeffWorks (jeffworks@aol.comhormel> wrote:
>((Allegedly because of Phillip Segal and other inquiring independent


"Philip Segal", noun. 1. Saviour of the series through a lovingly
authentic film, bringing delicate nuances of Englishness and
the spirit of Dr Who to an American budget.  2. Vandal who killed
the series through inability to spot a turkey of a script, no ear
for music, no eye for casting and no imagination to make anything
more than a plasticky, sanitised and lightweight X-Files episode
with ploddingly obvious Christ motifs.

Graham Nelson (> 15/11/98


[Subject: Re: The Things They Would Never Say]

Doctor #1: Some day, I shall come back, yes... Oh, and by the way, you
were adopted.

Doctor #2: So, boys and girls, if Mummy or Daddy get scared you might
have to hold their hand. And while you're doing that, it shouldn't be
too difficult to slip a few pounds out of their pocket, which you can
then mail to the address on your screen. Remember, if you don't pay
up, next week the Yeti will get Jamie!

Doctor #3: Oh yes, Sir Walter Raleigh, that dreadful old sea dog.
Actually, I never met him.

Doctor #4: If I'm right, then this planet is facing the fifth greatest
threat in its entire history!

Doctor #5: Adric, did I ever tell you you're a pleasure to be with?
No? Good.

Doctor #6: Change, my dear... back into that wet bikini.

Doctor #7: Good... Good from the End of Time!

Doctor #8: God damn, I hate that.

Daniel Frankham (> 16/11/98


[Subject: Re: The Things They Would Never Say]

The Curse of Peladon, by Fred Bassett

"No, Jo! Come back! It isn't what you think!" the Doctor called after
her, unable to give chase. "I was just signing it a lullaby, and the
next thing you know it was all over my leg! It wasn't my idea, honest!"
But it was no use. 'Princess Josephine' had run off to the arms of
"Aw, screw you," muttered the Doctor. Then he looked down at his
trousers. "It'll take ages to get that out, you dirty great furball.
Tell you what, let's go lie down somewhere comfortable, shall we?"

The Visitation, by Whitley Streiber

"Doctor, I think Tegan's finding the idea of leaving the TARDIS more
difficult than she expected," opined Nyssa.
"Then why doesn't she say so?!" snapped the Doctor.
"That's just her way..."
"Oh, right. That makes everything OK, then, doesn't it?
Hunky-Fucking-Dory. 'It's just Tegan's way.' So, it's not as though
she's got an inverse menstrual cycle , putting her in a good mood for
four days of the month, then? It's not as though she goes around acting
like she's got an alien probe up her arse all the time, is it? Is it?!!"
"N-No, Doctor." stammered Nyssa.

The Doctor kicked the concole, and the TARDIS accidentally took off,
leaving Tegan stranded in a 16th century wood, filled with hairy,
disease-ridden, pus-filled poxy peasants with faces like mounds of goo.

Planet of Fire, by J R R R R Bobbit

Ignoring the garish decor, the Doctor strode immediately to the small
box on the floor of the Master's condole room, and tore off the lid.
Within, was a small Action Man, with eagle-eyes and everything. And it
was moving.
"Hahahaha!" shrieked the Doctor , "The Master's shrunk himself. What a
"I warn you, Doctor," squeaked a vaguely helium-filled voice from the
floor, "You shall pay for this!"
"Hey, Doctor," interjected Peri, "I bet he's got a really small willy!"
"From what I remember in the shower room at the Academy, Peri, it wasn't
exactly much to write home about in the first place. What, happened,
then, Master? No, let me guess. The TCE was in your pocket, and it just
accidentally 'went off', eh?"
 The Doctor and Peri shared a conspiratorial grin. "That'll teach you to
play with your loose change", she giggled.
"It's not funny, Goddamnit!" the enraged Master squeaked. "And what do
you mean by that shower-room crack, huh?"
"Well, it was about half the size you are now, in fact."
"It was not!"
"Yes it was. Come on, Kamelion; over here, whop it out, let's have a
look. Ah yes. See, Peri? There's a reason for all this pent-up rage and
meglomania, you know."

Ben Woodhams (> 18/11/98


Azaxyr (> wrote:
>The exact same crap we got in Timewyrm: Revelation.
>Which basically means that the Dr will never
>be in a mess he can't get out of because...
>Say he's locked up in a dungeon.
>So he says, "I'll just remember to go back in
>time and put a key under this rock."
>And there's a key under the rock.

>Paul Cornell and the moron who commissioned
>his book should never have been allowed
>to do Dr Who.

If only you could go back in time and prevent him from being
commissioned. But hey, then you wouldn't have been annoyed
by it in the first place, so you wouldn't have had to go back
in time to prevent it.

Dang, it's complex isn't it?

Peter Anghelides (> 18/11/98


[Subject: Re: The Things They Would Never Say]

Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> wrote:

>Dalek: "EXTERM..whoah! Almost tripped there..."

Dalek : EX-TERM-ouch! Who put that chair there!  EX-ouch! Oh, sorry,
didn't see that door frame...EXTERM-oops...I got stuck on the carpet. Could
you give me a push? Oh, please? Come on..don't leave me here..oh man...
Davros is going to go ape...

Dalek : EX-TERM-oops.*BONK* ouch! *THUD* help! *CRASH* Awww! *CAT
SCREAMING* Owww...HELP! I fell down the stairs! SOmebody help me! Helloooo?
HElllooooo? I can hear you up there giggling!  Damn it! I'm going home..
and I am taking the plot with me *NYAH*

Michael Valdivielso (> 20/11/98


Simon Simmons wrote:
>>>>>Sounds like witch craft to me. And what do we do with witches?

(> wrote:
>>>>Build a bridge out of 'em?

(> wrote:
>>>We do what the Beeb already did...

Allen Robinson (> wrote:
>>We erase them and then tape Blue Peter over them? Sounds like a pretty
>>way to get rid of witches to me. :)

Chris Rednour  (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> wrote:
>I thought it was loan them out to Blue Peter, only to have them
>"mysteriously Disappear".

>And then there'd be confusion among the witches' followers as to which
>witch was lent to the program and disappeared, because subsequently
>several witches went missing without being loaned to Blue Peter.

It's all those witches who turn up years later in car boot sales and
church basements that have me puzzled. Not to mention the people who
painstakingly try to recover as close as possible a simulation of the real
witch via a photograph of one ear and a brief cackle.

However, it's the small pieces of original witches that got sent back from
the Australian censors that have me *really* concerned!

Robert Smith? (> 21/11/98


I'm alone, it's one in the morning, and I'm agitated.  Is that the right
word for it?  I need a fix, and I feel dirty.
        So I prepare the house, all the lights off, curtains all drawn,
and I check the doors yet again to be sure they are all locked.  I
already feel guilty and I fear being caught.  My most comfortable chair
is placed before the television, cold drinks are close enough to reach
without taking my eyes from the screen.  I can hardly wait, the
anticipation itself is a sick thrill, and it's a struggle to keep my
thoughts coherent.  All ready?  What am I forgetting?
        In my bedroom, I open the drawer where I keep those *other*
videos, the ones I don't dare keep on the shelf.  My secret stash.
Heh.  I pull out the one I need tonight.
        The plastic cartridge slips into it's intended orifice with
tooled liquid grace.  I check again to see that the speakers are turned
off - there's nobody to hear, but I want to know I'm safe.  I use the
headphones.  My heart is beating too fast and I feel I can't get a full
breath.  Damn if I give myself a headache, but I need this.  It's my
        A little more than an hour later, I feel cheap and dirty.
(Admit it, you hypocrite, it was good.  You needed it, and there's
nothing wrong with it.)'s the post-whatever depression
saturating my soul.  I feel used.  I feel I should have *done* something
with the a book, written a letter, watched a good silent
movie.  But no, I had to have this again.  I hit the eject button, don't
even look at the cassette.  I should take a shower, but I'm too
disspirited,  too depressed...don't have the energy.  I'm drained.  I
just want to sleep.
        I open the drawer and return "Delta and the Bannermen" to it's
hiding spot without offering it the dignity of rewinding it.  I hope
sleep comes quickly tonight.

Jeff Larson (> 21/11/98


[Subject: Re: Dodo's clothes]

JohN (> wrote:
>>Okay, SV7! I have to know now, what is so wonderful about Dodo that
>>I've been missing? What's her best story?

>>Without mentioning any particular young-female type-features of her
>>'character', please. :)

Chris Schumacher (> wrote:
>Yeah, I mean, fuck the Benny Books, lets have the Dodo books! My, wouldn't
>those be a sight to see?

They certainly would. I for one cannot wait for the continuing adventures
of a corpse with a sexually transmitted disease. I'd love to see Paul
Cornell write *that* opening book as a comedy!

Furthermore, the books' logo could be the outfit she wore in the Celestial
Toymaker, so naturally they'd be Target books...

Robert Smith? (> 21/11/98


Richard Molesworth (> wrote:
>They haven't got the time, resources, budget or inclination to do it.
>Their job is to *sell* programmes, not retreive them.  I imagine they would
>assume this was a job for the Film and Videotape Library.  Who have got
>even less time, resources and budget.  And who consider their job to be to
>maintain their archive, bot to patch up the gaps.

You'd think there were some profit for Worldwide in recovering
episodes from abroad - but since the current BBC approach is "return
them and we won't prosecute you" I suppose Worldwide realise that no
episodes will turn up that way, and don't even bother to try.

Even if the BBC are not prepared to pay foreign TV companies for
returned episodes, surely there is some incentive they could give for
episodes to be returned? Why not offer the rights to show some 'B'
list BBC productions in exchange for returned material. I can see it

  Dear Head of Programme Acquisition, TV-Singapore,

  Are you sitting on a goldmine? Would you like to fill your schedules
  for free? Just hunt through your archives - this month only, for
  each mouldy old BBC can of film returned to us, we will give you,
  absolutely free, the rights to screen an episode of "Sink or Swim",
  starring the pleasant open-faced Peter Davison. Let your viewers
  laugh merrily again at those sophisticated pipe-bender jokes!

  Yours etc.,

  Mr Moneybags, BBC Worldwide.

What are the chances of that happening, eh?

Daniel Frankham (> 23/11/98


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who personals]

Brian Glen Palicia wrote:

>Come up with personal ads for 1 Doctor Who character of your choice.


>who enjoys genetic engineering, genocide, subversion,
>creating the ultime war species.  COME PUSH MY BUTTONS!
>"Sexy D."

>Only 1 ad per poster, please.

Warfleet seeks planet to invade. Must have poor defences, high proportion
of liquid on surface and single machine controlling entire population for
ease of conquest.
Apply: Yartek, Voord HQ

Richard Smeltzer (> 27/11/98


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who personals]

Anthropomorphic Force For Good seeks Political Infrastructure to
destabilise, pref.fascistic. Must have moustache-twirling leader
w/Germanic accent, bloodthirsty testosterone-poisoned 2nd in Command, HQ
with extensive network of ventilation shafts, oppressed populace and
youthful, charismatic, yet strangely ineffectual leader of budding
Resistance Movement. Myopic security guards and insanely meglomaniaical
Main Computer an advantage. Please state on your application whether the
surface of your planet looks a bit like a quarry, and whether you
possess means of last-minute escape for sequel-hunting exit. Contract is
for 4 weeks, although this may be extended if you do my ratings any
Apply: 42 Allen Road, England, Earth, Mutter's Spiral.

Ben Woodhams (> 27/11/98


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who personals]

SWM seeks F. Interests include pleasant conversation, bondage,
electronics, building fake people, and enacting terrible vengeance
against my enemies for subjecting me to the unbearable hell that I
must endure. Seeking similar. Accomodation provided.

Daniel Frankham (> 28/11/98


Craig Hinton wrote:
>I know that I'm late coming to this thread (thanks to Demon's crap news
>server) but I ought to point out that Andy Lane states in at least one
>of his books (possibly Original Sin) that in the 30th century,
>*everyone* is bisexual. So Chris's little dabble would have been in
>character for him.

That's right. In the 30th century, bisexuality is the law. Literally, in
Chris's case it seems. Imagine what the application forms will look

Peter Anghelides (> 30/11/98


PowrWrap wrote:
>I'm watching the Dalek Invasion of Earth and was stunned at the stupid
>when David and Susan kiss. David has caught a fish for dinner and is
>swinging it around Susan's head. They collapse on the ground and kiss. The
>Doctor arrives just then and says something like, "I see something is

>Hey, all you college aged students out there, remember. When your planet is
>being destroyed by aliens and you are looking for a little shag action,
>your prospective mate by swinging a dead fish about her head.

>I don't object to the romance between David and Susan,  I just think it was
>done awkwardly.

>Anyone else think this was a silly way to get them to kiss? How about other
>awkward romance scenes in other stories---I know they're out there.

Not at all. In those hungry days during and after the Daleks,
bread-winning ability was very important in a prospective mate. When
the mating season began, all the young men would go out into the
forest, kill an animal, and then bring it back to their chosen mate,
demonstrating their manly prowess by beating her around the head with

Pity the poor young lady who's mate was proficient enough to bring
down a deer.

Daniel Frankham (> 2/12/98


Dangermouse wrote:
(in the "UNIT dating" thread>

> Obviously the Faction must have taken an interest in UNIT at some point...

I'd like to nominate the Faction Paradox as the ultimate DW deus ex
machina with built in Retcon Device (tm). Faster than the Karkus!
Deadlier than the Hand of Omega!! More incomprehensible than
Pigbin Josh!!!

New FACTION. It's the only writing conditioner that washes holes
right out of your fiction. Found one of your characters has retired
several years too early? Reach for your FACTION! Accidentally
erased Atlantis again? Here's FACTION! Got the name of the
Indigenous Earth People, er, Silurians, er, Earth Reptiles, er,
Eocenes, er... oh bugger, is that middle eye supposed to be
flashing while he's talking? Just pick up that handy-dandy pack

Available at all good bookshops last week - before I even thought
of it, in fact... No, in FACTION!.

Peter Anghelides (> 3/12/98


[Subject: Bisexual Sam?]

thad a doria (> wrote:
>Their sexual orientation contributing nothing to the
>plot, to the various facets of the character's personality, etc ...

How very true. The last time I was chased by a ravening horde of Zygon
monsters, my gay sexuality was absolutely central to my getting away
from them.

Dave Stone (> 7/12/98


[Subject: Arthur peruses The Scarlet Empress]

I recall my mentor, a wise, venerable and great man to whom fate bestowed
hapless name of Dan Dangleberry.  I would visit him in that rural abode he
shared with none but his stick insect whereupon he would instill in me the
sagacity that can only be acquired from a lifetime of reclusion and
contemplation.  The cynics would condemn Dan Dangleberry as a navel-gazer,
which was a tad unfair although technically accurate.  "Contortionist" would
be a more apposite term, because Dan stared at his navel through a jeweler's
lens thus ensuring the best view of a navel in all history, and a
commensurate amount of wisdom gained.  By then a frail man, Dan Dangleberry
had been handsome in his youth, blessed with rugged features, thick dark
and five testicles.  No family had Dan Dangleberry. Devoid of prejudice and
contemptuous of the shallow opinions of society, Dan had wed a medium-sized
privet hedge, though as no priest could be found to bless the union it was
more of a common-law arrangement.  Knowing that they could never be blessed
with issue, Dan did not put his munificent genitalia to waste.  In a move
that typified his philanthropic spirit, Dan would invite the villagers to
retreat and entertain them, whilst giving them a basic education in energy
conservation, by setting his five testicles in motion like Newton's cradle.

In his last days Dan Dangleberry adopted me as his protege.  As a final
gesture he offered to pass on to me the entire summation of his life's
meditation.  The profound secrets of existence, the very answers to
that have perplexed philosophers for three thousand years would be mine for
the knowing.  "Arthur, come sit by me," voiced the old man as he hoisted his
head up from his navel by means of a pulley-system attached to the rafters,
"and I will tell you what it's all about."  I sat on a low stool by his
The venerable man lowered his head with the crank to my ear and spoke these
words in a voice that rarely rose above the whisper:  "You put your left
in.  You take your left foot out. In. Out.  In.  Out.  You shake it all
about.  You do the Hokey Cokey and you turn around." He cranked back his
to look me straight in the eyes and pause for a full thirty minutes.
what it's all about," he said.

Yes - the old twat had finally lost his marbles.

Before that though, Dan had given me some genuine and helpful advice within
the sphere of Creative Writing.  "There are no rules in writing, Arthur,
whatsoever," he would say, "Those books that tell you how to write novels
luxury toilet paper at eleven pounds ninety nine a pack, written by failed
authors trying to rescue their reputation," he would continue. "Stick with
Lurpak - it's softer."  He meant Andrex, but I took the point.

Dan Dangleberry would have enjoyed The Scarlet Empress.  Written by Paul
Magrs, apparently pronounced "mars" (though I can understand why the
chocolate-bar manufacturers stuck with the more conventional spelling), the
book systematically whips "Roger" Rule out of town with a fly swat.
third person narratives joyously carouse with character point-of-view first
person narratives.  They dance to the discordant tunes of the "Disparate
First-Person Accounts From All The Main Participants Including Some Truly
Controversial Ones Of The Eighth Doctor" jazz combo. Not the most snappy
for a musical ensemble it is true, but an apt one.

And lest you think that "Ivan" Innovation has had too free a hand in
co-writing this novel , and has chivvied it out of the Doctor Who
validity-zone, I will tell you that it is not so.  He has had his input, it
is true, but then so has "Terry" Traditional.  The old and the new live side
by side in this book.  The Golden Nuggets share a bowl with the Golden
Grahams.  The Golden Grahams complain that the Fruit and Fibre are boring.
They never want to have fun.  The Golden Nuggets sympathise and talk of the
wild times they used to have back in the Seventies with the Puffa Puffa
 All is harmony.  All is contentment.

It is a superb book.  The best New Adventure yet.

A word of advice, though, Mr. Magrs.  Do not, under any circumstances, allow
Sir Cliff Richard to get hold of this book.  Find out which is his local
branch of Waterstones and buy them all.  He'll have your balls for maracas,
see if he doesn't.  Next time it's rained off at Wimbledon and Cliff has to
fill in he'll accompany himself by rattling your balls.  Then he'll take
on stage when he next plays Heathcliffe.  I mean it.

The thing is, if you had to precis this book in a sentence it would be  (and
here I'd better add some


Space) "People drive around in a double-decker bus and have adventures,"
wouldn't it?  You have been very cheeky, Paul.  In the same way that
Forbidden Planet is a Science Fiction adaptation of the Tempest, The Scarlet
Empress is a fantasy adaptation of Summer Holiday.  You've hit upon the
truth that Sam Jones is in fact Una Stubbs and built it up from there.
There's even a song near the end.  Sir Cliff wouldn't like it though.  He's
bit of a reactionary.

No matter.  Paul Magrs has given us a Cadbury's Milk Tray of a book.  For
strawberry creams Magrs uses…

No, forget that.  The Scarlet Empress is better than that.  Alien bodies,
*that's* a Cadbury's Milk Tray of a book.  The Hollow Men, *that's* a
Cadbury's Milk Tray of as book.

Paul Magrs has given us a Thorntons Continental Assortment of a book.  For
Praline Logs, Magrs uses an eighth Doctor with *some* original personality.
Doesn't sound much, but believe me, when up until now he has only been an
identikit composite of his previous selves, *some* is better than none.
Admittedly his personality only goes as far as to identify with Romantic
poets and to quote Shelley a bit, but it's a start, innit?  For a Champagne
truffle surrounded by white chocolate there is a Sam Jones who is no longer
irritating.  Magrs has taken Una Stubbs and turned her into the
of a real woman.  No longer will Miss Jones knock on the toilet and ask how
long you are going to be.  Rather she will try the door and if she finds it
locked she will make a pithy and tension-relieving comment then retire to
room until the bathroom is vacant.  For a foil-wrapped dark chocolate with
cerise filling there a fantasy setting.  Not a stupid
fantasy setting but an mature fantasy setting awash with insect djinns,
guardian spiders and telepathic monarchs pickled in jars like walnuts.  For
frosted butter truffle there is a brilliantly drawn collection of supporting
characters including the remarkable timelady Iris Wildthyme. A bit old and
crusty but a great laugh to take for a drink, and she'll always lend you a
cigarette if you're running short.  Magrs has taken over the mantle of
confectioner supreme from Dicks who in any case only produced Cadbury's in
his prime and now only makes the Kwiksave equivalent.  Still better than
Peel, though.  The best one can say about him is that occasionally he churns
out a miniature packet of Revels.

So the book has been read and I am a changed man.  I am the servant who
actually *made* the Earl of Sandwich's sandwich.  One of the great
of history but a pretty damn important one.  Try fitting an entire side of
ham into your lunchbox *as well* as a granary loaf and you'll get my point.

For this historical metamorphosis I can only thank the exceptional Paul
Whodom's finest purvey of quality chocolates.

Arthur Banana (> 7/12/98


Allen Robinson (> wrote:
>I logged on the group this morning and found spirited debates on
>religion, sex, politics, and computer operating systems. It was all very
>interesting and quite stimulating, but I do have one question:

>Is there a newsgroup anywhere that discusses "Doctor Who"? 8)

Yeah, it's on usenet at:
although they're in the middle of a McCoy/Pertwee
flamewar right now and it's all getting pretty ugly.
One group of fans are threatening to form a break
away fandom based upon self determination and the
right to enjoy McCoy, whilst the other fans are still
stuck in the 'Does the TimeLord actually 'become'
a new timelord at the moment of regeneration or is
it just a metaphor' argument.
You know the old transubregeneration debate again.
The moderator is threatening to excommunicate
them all and some poor midguided fool is trying to talk
about homosexuality in the church, tho' what led him to
think that it was an appropriate forum for such debate is
beyond me.
You could also try rec.arts.sexbeforemarriage where
there's a heated discussion of the merits of Peri's
various outfits going on at the mo. But Nathan
Skreslet refuses to join in because it makes him feel
all funny and hot under the collar in a new and alarming way.
Oh, and alt.generalpinochet.die.die.die is getting really
heated on the subject of Invasion of The Dinosaurs.

Scott Andrews (> 9/12/98


Chris Schumacher wrote:
>Yeah, too bad that Jelly Babies taste like shit. :p

Stop eating the brown ones.

Peter Anghelides (> 9/12/98


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