The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Nov./Dec. 99

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)


Jonathan Blum wrote:
> The original Sam Jones is far from "corrupt" or "dark" in the evil sense
> -- she's got dark hair, she smokes, she has experience with drugs, but
> she's hardly Evil Leather Willow from "Buffy"

Ahhh... There's nothing like the 'thwack' of leather on Willow...

Nicholas Smale (> 25/10/99


[Subject: Re: Racist homophobes in radw]

Ed Stradling
>Keith Hood wrote
>>> How do you feel about black people, Keith, on account of how
>>>a number of convicted murderers have been darker than Pantone 402?

>>I've been married to one for over 16 years.

>Fucking priceless that one!

Yes, I think that's the point, you see, of
marriage - you get to fuck at no cost.

Cuddles, the Ice Lord (azaxyr@aol.comicrelief> 29/10/99

[As nominated by Snarky]


Adam Richards wrote...
> Matt Marshall wrote:

> >I'm trying to watch TOATL all the way through, but my video recorder
> >on breaking down and ejecting it. The curse of Colin Baker...
> >Cheers,

> My VCR cries when I put it in, you know.

I'd stick to inserting videotapes in future then...

....actually, are you sure it was the VCR crying and not you ?;-)

'Joxer' AKA Colin B. (> 28/10/99


[Subject: I'm going outside- I may be some time]

Joxer wrote:
>Lord of deXness wrote...
>> I eagerly look forward to a Doctor Who newsgroup where I won't run
>> across people acting like twats.
>I eagerly look forward to a Doctor Who TV series where I won't run across
>actors acting like twats.

I also hope the Vervoids won't be back.

Daniel Frankham (> 1/11/99


[Subject: Re: Britney Spears--Perfect Companion?]

> The complete ***hole downstairs has this compulsion to crank his stereo
> every single bloody time a Britney Spears song comes on the radio. It's
> so damn loud I can feel it through the carpet.

Try playing the K9 & Company theme tune constantly at full volume for an
He'll run screaming from his house with his ears bleeding and never come

Obviously you should leave the house before you attempt this experiment.
Remember children - K9 & Company isn't a toy and can cause permanent brain
damage if used incorrectly.

Andrew Lowes (> 1/11/99


THE BIBLE - DisContinuity Guide

Season One

Year Dot, days 1-7

Writer: God (pseudonym for many old people with no clue of basic
Director: Lennie Mayne

Roots: Judaism, Pagan myths, etc

Fluffs: Every paragraph starts with And, which is terribly bad grammar.

Goofs: Where does God come from? How can Adam be made first, before
animals, when three pages before, it is established as happening the
other way round? How can a garden grow in a night [time is a metaphor,
days really meaning epochs?] Snakes can't talk. If we are all descended
from Adam and Eve, that means we're all in-bred, and should all have
twelve webbed toes. Where's the sixty-five million years gone between
dinosaurs dying and man rising up? In the scene with the snake, Eve's
hair partly disappears through CSO.

Fashion Victims: Adam's fig leaf. Eve's hair is very Sixties.

Dialogue Triumphs: In the beginning, there was the Word.

Dialogue Disasters: This whole starting everything with 'And.' Sorry,
it really annoys me.

Double Entendres: The shot where Eve first sees the snake is

Continuity: No origin is given for God, who made Earth in six days
(yeah, right.) Snakes could talk back then. Eve likes fruit.

Location: Void, Earth, Garden of Eden

Untelevised Adventures: The dinosaurs. God's origin.

The Bottom Line: An Eric Saward of a story, tremendously exciting with
a strong beginning, but after a while, when you stop to think about it,
the whole thing falls around your ears. James Mason adds lovely layers
to God.

'Multimus Pob' (> 2/11/99


[Subject: Re: Only British people can play Time Lords.]

Kelly Robinson wrote:

> Wasn't Pertwee French?
> And one of them was Scottish, but he ain't no Sean Connery!  :-)

So you don't like McCoy, then? Good point.

Almost as good as that post where you said how you didn't like McCoy.
That post where you said you didn't like McCoy was good, too, though not
quite as good as that post where you said you didn't like McCoy. Of
course, none of them ultimately hold a patch to the post where you said
you didn't like McCoy, but they're easily the equal of the post where
you said you didn't like McCoy ...

Dave Stone (> 1/11/99

-------------------------------------------------- wrote:
> Daniel O'Mahony ( wrote:
> : It's a good thing that Rebecca Levene vetoed my "the Doctor has no
> : testicles" scene, or we'd never be able to post speculation like this.
> I just can't see it coming up in the dialogue.... especially
> delivered by William Hartnell.

The Doctor hurried through the streets, hobbling slightly, and leaning
on his cane for support more than he liked to.  He was so frail, these
days, so frail.  And Dodo, yes, Dodo needed him.  So he hurried.

"Oi, Grandad!"

"Err, yes, I say, what's that young man, eh?"

He turned to see a large man with a wicked scar and an evil grin
leering at him from the shadows.  A blade glinted in the night.

"Give us some money, grandad, or Thumper here will kick you in the

Thumper was approaching from the other side - a fat man with a touch of
stubble and an incongruous bobble hat.

"Ah, yes, ah" began the Doctor.  "I'm afraid that I don't curry
carrency my good man, so perhaps I will just be on my way."

Thumper kicked the Doctor squarely between the legs.

"Ah yes, ah very interesting," said the Doctor, and wandered off,
leaving the two cutpurses looking at each other blankly.

"Hmmm," pondered the Doctor as he reached the main road again.  "Just
as well I have no tentacles, isn't it..." and he was still chuckling
four hours later.

Chris Summerfield (> 1/11/99


Joxer wrote:
>> I assure you there are more than two female Doctor Who fans in the
>> universe, even discounting the sizable PMEB and Special K groups.
>> I know, I've dated a number of them.
> Yeah, late Jurassic most of 'em, unless my mass spectrometer
> was on the blink again. What were your findings, Herr Daniels?

I've decided to take the Jane Goodall apporach.  I will live amoungst the
female fan, eat their food, watch their videos, and become an accepted
part of their daily routine..

Charles Daniels (> 3/11/99


[Subject: Re: I'm going outside- I may be some time]

Ed Jefferson wrote:

> We're confusing acting like something with looking like something. have
> ever seen a twat trying to destroy humanity?

That's the definition of an economist, isn't it?

(> 1/11/99


(> wrote [of men]:

> they leave the toilet seat up.

Completely off-topic, as is my wont, but this is something I've always
wondered about as an aspect of male/female cohabitation. I mean, think
about it:

1) Man who lives with woman wants to have a quick pee. Woman has left
the seat down. Fair enough, thinks man, and puts it up.

2) Woman who lives with man wants a quick pee. Man has left the seat up.
Woman becomes a stand-up comedian and spends the rest of her life
telling jokes about how bastard men always leave the seat up.

Thing is, the averaged-out inconvenience per trip - what with it easier
to put things *down* under gravity than up, even with powerful male
upper arms, and plus the fact that men sometimes like to sit and read
the paper and so don't put the seat up at all in the first place - means
that this whole toilet-seat thing is actually *less* inconvenient for
women generally than men. So there.

Bloody women. Come down here, take our jobs, shag our women, and the
depressing is that they're actually better at it than we are ...

Dave Stone (> 3/11/99


[Henry Potts's already famous spoiler space]

Full Circle                 Here's a list of stories
Keeper of Traken            referenced in "Divided Loyalties"
Castrovalva                 to serve as spoiler space
Cold Fusion
The Visitation
Warrior's Gate              NB: This will not work as a way
The Twin Dilemma            of generating spoiler space
The Armageddon Factor       for most books
The Dark Path
Resurrection of the Daleks
The Deadly Assassin
Mark of the Rani
The Time Meddler
The Greatest Show in the Galaxy
Arc of Infinity
White Darkness
All-Consuming Fire
Millennial Rites
State of Decay
The Five Doctors
Genesis of the Daleks
      plus some Audio-Visuals and comic strips

Henry Potts (> 4/11/99


[Subject: Re: This newsgroup reminds me of the Doctor]

Erica wrote:
> All of him.  Everyone's amusing in their own way, but rarely are we in
> agreement. In fact, we appear to griping at each other most of the time.

Ben Woodhams: "So these are my replacements?  A Dandy and a Clown!"

Charles Daniels: "I am not a clown and stop playing with my recorder!"

Adam Richards: "Don't be silly, I wouldn't touch that thing for the life
                of me! Although it does remind me of the time I was
                chatting with Mao..."

Finn Clark: "Ah! There's more than one of me here, I must have showed up
             in the wrong place! Now where's my cabbage?"

Marcus Durham: "There should have been a better way.  No really this joke
                isn't funny at all!

William December Star: "Funny?  Funny?!?!  FUNNY?!?!  Is this the only
                        (mis)quote anyone can remember from Colin's

Ronnie Clark [eyeing John Pettigrew] "Squid! Squid from the Dawn of Time"

Jon Blum: "I suppose this is the point I should pointedly point out that
           the authors may or may not actually be the Other"

Helen Fayle [to Sussannah Tiller]: "I suppose this makes us all

Kate Orman: "Patience, it'll all be explained soon..."

Azaxyr: "Nothing can stop the catharsis of spurious morality"

Waxvax: "Palin!"

Group [all together] "Ack! Not *that* again!"

Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> 5/11/99


Charles Daniels wrote:

>Richard Henry wrote:

>> Remember, Doctor Who does not contain any bloopers or mistakes. Doctor
>> Who is perfect in every detail. If you believe you have seen a
>> mistake, you have not understood it properly.
>Umm...Lemme try to place that....The Catholic Church?

No, that's Orthodox Whoism. Catholic Whoism gets into weird stuff
about how the Doctor is and is not of the Loom at the same time and
the whole Doctor-Other-Valeyard Trinity thing. Now, we at the Orthodox
Church of Doctor Who consider the sacred works from "An Unearthly
Child" to "Survival" to be perfect and complete unto themselves, the
greatest pinnacle of artistic achievement, to be honored and revered
unto the last moment of time. And that's pretty much it for our

And, unlike the Catholic Church, we have no objections to large
amounts of kinky sex.

Richard Henry (> 5/11/99


[Subject: Re: Stupid DW Villains]

Michael R. Wall wrote:
> You know what makes the Daleks REALLY stupid?  It's what they do during
> cliffhangers at the end of "Resurrection of the Daleks" part 1 (25-minute
> version) and "Remembrance of the Daleks" part 1.  In both cases, a Dalek
> appears out of nowhere and has the Doctor directly in the middle of its
> gunsight with no way of escape.  And then that darn Dalek shrieks
> "EXTERMINATE!!!" about nine or ten times without ever firing its
> exterminator!  And then the Doctor is able to escape.  If either of those
> Daleks could keep its big voice box shut and pull the trigger a bit
> they might have more success in exterminating the Doctor, and more
> importantly, more success in conquering the entire universe.

They don't seem to have the same problem when flash-frying minor
characters or other Daleks, do they?  I think the Doctor provokes a
special reaction in them.

Scene from: Apoplexy of the Daleks, ep.2
The Doctor is stirring a pan of soup.  Meanwhile, a Dalek appears
behind him.
Dalek: (internal monologue) Blimey, it's the Doctor, our sworn arch -
enemy.  Must stay calm.  Must stay calm.
(shrieks): Exterminate!  Exterminate!
(internal monologue) Oh my god, I'm so excited!
(shrieks): You will be exterminated!
(internal monologue): And they said I'd never amount to anything - I'm
actually going to exterminate the bloody Doctor!
(shrieks): Exterminate! Exter-   Oh, you've gone.

'Orange Anubis' (> 5/11/99


[Subject: Re: Weekly Stats 30/10]

Brett O'Callaghan wrote:

> (Posts per day)
>   02-Oct - 425     03-Oct - 416     04-Oct - 468
>   05-Oct - 495     06-Oct - 462     07-Oct - 431
>   08-Oct - 374     09-Oct - 314     10-Oct - 257
>   11-Oct - 462     12-Oct - 522     13-Oct - 386
>   14-Oct - 343     15-Oct - 588     16-Oct - 401
>   17-Oct - 454     18-Oct - 467     19-Oct - 476
>   20-Oct - 351     21-Oct - 525     22-Oct - 496
>   23-Oct - 495     24-Oct - 571     25-Oct - 546
>   26-Oct - 602     27-Oct - 652     28-Oct - 534

Makes you wonder what plans Charles had for the 10th of October, doesn't
it?  :)

Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> 5/11/99


[Subject: Re: Precisions on Star Trek credits]

Jean-Marc Lofficier wrote:

>Everyone expects a certain amount of fibbing in resumes (often under job
>descriptions like "I was emperor of the universe and rebuilt the Earth in
>5-1/2 days") but I would advise against outright untruths like "Schindler's
>List - Writer (uncredited)".

I'm thinking of claiming I've been working as an unpaid, uncredited
scientific advisor to a top secret international security organization
I can't give any details on. No, I can't give you a phone number.
Well, I could, but then I'd have to kill you.

Might work?

>The fastest way to find yourselves unofficially blackballed in Hollywood is
>to claim fictitious credits.

Well, if you're going to do it, think big.

Bible (uncredited)

Richard Henry (> 6/11/99


Chris Rednour wrote:

>I think most people, given a choice would chose to run from the pun gun.

What if the pun gun is set on stun, is it still fun to run a ton?

Richard Henry (> 6/11/99


Peter Anghelides wrote:
>Robbie Moubert wrote:

>> Having said that, I still prefer the idea of sexual reproduction to all
>> this Looms nonsense.

>Me too, but that's a personal thing I suppose. I prefer sex to
>knitting any day.

That's woolly thinking, Peter, and you know it. Personally, I needle I can

R.J. Smith (> 8/11/99


Mustafa Hirji wrote:

> Remembrance took place in 1963, whereas
> Pertwee was suck on earth in the 70's

True, butt semen once suggestive that Web of Fear was set in
1963.  UNIT ass created buggers of these crises, letting Invasion
take place in 1967 and the UNIT era fellatio on naturally.

Finn Clark (> 8/11/99


Adam Richards wrote:
>OK then, my budgie Dumbcluck can play the Doc. He's blue and he's
>chattery, he can also do a mean wolfwhistle and imitate the noise the
>telephone makes when it rings. I ask you, what more could possibly be

Have you ever accidentally answered your budgie?

Daniel Frankham (> 8/11/99



Vick3ie (> wrote:
>> I don't ever recall Adric sitting on the floor of the console room in
this or his
>> other season.
>Lance Parkin did the same thing in Cold Fusion. I have no idea why.
[Perhaps they
>meant to emphasize his lack of sophistication? He came from a position of
>priviledge on Alzarius... go figure.]

I think it symbolises the lack of chairs in the TARDIS.

Lance Parkin (> 9/11/99


[Subject: Re: Lucky Doctor]

Charles Daniels writes
>Lightstormer wrote:
>> Of course there's the best in "The Sontaran Experiment".  Styre says
>> something to the effect of "I shall kill you all!  But first I must..."
>> something or other.
>Well there is something very fun about an alien menace that threathens to
>kill you but has a few more important thing to get on to first.
>I mean it makes sense that an all powerful alien menace has bigger and
>better agendas to get onto! :)

Agenda for December First 1999:
1: Plan giant Conspiracy;
2: Put Plan into action;
3: Have plan put into jeopardy by that meddling Doctor;
4: Capture Doctor;
5: Explain plan to Doctor whilst threatening him with death;
6: Buy Christmas Presents;
7: Put car in for service;
8: Watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer;
9: Realise Doctor has escaped and ruined plan totally;
10: Hopefully escape to be in sequel, otherwise get better agent.

Aiden Folkes (> 9/11/99


Brett O'Callaghan wrote:
> Azaxyr wrote:
>>Brett O'Callaghan writes:
>>>Take it to email
>>Go fuck yourself.

> Go fuck yourself.

Okay this is either going to lead to an annoying "me too" style
Go Fuck Yourself thread or perhaps the biggest act of autoeroticism
since Pee Wee got busted.

Charles Daniels (> 9/11/99


Steve Roberts wrote...

> wrote...
>> Hey, Don't you sad fucks know that Dr Who finished years ago. Stop
>> living in the past you stupid pieces of shit. Why don't you go to the
>> buffy the vampire slayer site.
>Well you know how it is mate... we tend to prefer a bit of intelligence and
>a good story to some vacant bint with a funny nose doing exactly the same
>thing, week after week...

Steve, you're gonna be stuffed when the BBC2 repeats get to the stories
featuring Jo Grant.

David Brider (> 9/11/99


[Subject: Re: "New episode for New Year"]

ann wrote...
> From: DBurns6554
> >Yeah, just like The Dark Dimension. Flushed right down the toilet.
> You can do that?  Flush a dimension down a toilet?  I'm assuming this can
> happen only in the TARDIS....

It's the best way to create a vortex.

Mark Phippen (> 10/11/99


[Subject: Re: "The Seeds of Doom" or "That Lush Sarah Jane"]

Brian Glen Palicia wrote:
> Oh, sure its bitter cold in the arctic when she first gets there.
> But it looks like she sure drank enough of that brandy because
> when the place goes up and she's trapped outside she doesn't
> feel the cold at all, so sir.

If I had to sum up The Seeds of Doom in one word, it would be 'slightly
flawed classic' - you've already seen the flaw above, so now the

Seeds of Doom plays on the same themes as Creature from the Pit,
Meglos, and later Terror of the Vervoids - surely a classic of the
genre.  That theme is best summed up in the phrase (channel Lalla Ward
now, boys and girls) Lush Aggressive Vegetation.

What makes Seeds of Doom stand out from this batch is that it is the
only story I mention where the lush and the aggressive vegetation are
two separate characters.

It's also fair to say that Seeds of Doom plays on the same themes as
Interference - two stories, badly tacked together, with some almost
coincidental links between the two.  Whereas Inty lifts from later
series of the X files in terms of multi-layered conspiracy theories and
adds a dose of Faction Paradox, SoD lifts the tense atmosphere of the
early episodes of the X files in a manner which manages to be a paradox
itself due to the relative transmission dates.

I mentioned all this to Davie, up at the pub last night.

"The other still out of town, Summerfield?" he asked.

"How can you tell?" quoth I.

"Yer talking shite again."


Chris Summerfield (> 10/11/99


[Subject: Re: I'd like some support here.]

Brett O'Callaghan wrote
>Well, am I *totally* out of line in asking for certain posters to show
>some consideration and common sense?
>Does *everyone* think I'm in the wrong?
>Do you disagree with my approach, but agree there is a problem?
>I'd like to know.

What you need to do at this point is to just walk away, Brett.  You've made
your point, and going on about it now is not helping anything.

Personally, I think Charles is the living embodiment of Nostradamus'
prediction of the End Times.  For lo, hath not radw been racked by the flame
unto its very last part?  Now stands forth Daniels, the Hashishman of the
Apocalypse, to put this troubled land to 's word.  And such a torrent doth
spring forth of him as even Noah himself could scarce have withstood.

And when that flood shall subside, radw shall be as a new land, washed clean
of the madding crowds.  And those few that remain shall have no need of
segregation (such as r.a.dw.b or, but shall join in one happy
Brotherhood of Fan.  And the Blum shall lie down with the Tate (but not in
any biblical sense that would irritate the Orman, for behold, her wrath is
great).  R.a.dw shall be once again as the Nightmare of Eden - sorry,
"Garden of Eden" - with all in blissful harmony.

Until the one whom Nostradamus calls "the Warrior of Ice" shall rediscover
fire, with the post "McCoy - what a dickhead".

Daniel Gooley (> 11/11/99


[Subject: Re: Whither Craig Hinton?]

Meddling Mick wrote

[Virgin Gay Porn]
> >Titles, please? Just so anyone who has read them will know they were
> >written by a Who-author and are tangentially on-topic for radw (or at
> >least that seems to be the majority view).
> 'The Clitoris of Bucephalus', IIRC.

Ha! They did publish one called 'The Velvet Web' (title of ep2 of 'The Keys
of Marinus'). A few years ago I pointed out that if they wished to name any
more books after DW episodes, then 'The Screaming Jungle' would be an ideal
candidate...  : )

Steve Roberts (> 12/11/99


[Those rumours about a new Who series get a definitive statement...]

Don't ask me about Dr Who, no comment.  Except, of course,
the Doctor will be gay, his assistant a rent boy, and K9 a condom machine.

Russell T Davies (> 12/11/99


Elflore wrote:
> I will give you an idea why the Eye in TARDISs might only open to a human.
> MOPPeT is that, by serendipidity or suggestion, the Doctor borrowed the
> TARDIS his father had once used, gallivanting around the galaxy.  The
> dad had rigged the Eye so that his dear, human, British wife could open it
> for him

Nah. The Eye Of Harmony opens for humans because it's a plot hole, not a
black hole as hitherto thought.

Andrew J. Brook (> 13/11/99


[Subject: Re: Who Night cutaway]

David Brunt wrote...
>Peter Finklestone wrote in message
>>Ah - so THAT's the officially recognised title for the Dr Who night on
>>Personally I prefer Mission to the Dr Who Night.
>Serial TW / AT

No, that's what Mr Stradling's hoping for at his party.

Peter Finklestone (> 14/11/99


Coming soon to a computer store near you:

Reboot of the Daleks
(For Mac OS9 and PC CD-ROM: soon to be a minor motion picture)

After learning that The Doctor and his loyal companions are trapped in
the latest BBC Books story arc (and unable to render assistance due to
an overdose of retconning), the iDaleks - in 6 fruit flavors - invade
the helpless planet Gallifrey, easily overcoming its primitive Prime
Computers. Only Gallifrey's most notorious renegade and his dreadlocked
allies can stop them, and they have a hidden agenda of their own.

With AOL president Steve Case as the plucky freedom fighter Tyson, a
tragic figure ultimately doomed to failure because of his total
deafness to the complaints of his legion of followers.

Featuring Bill Gates, as the Movellan commander. Attached to the belt
of his skintight white jumpsuit is a computer running Windows CE. You
don't have to grab the computer to stop him, because eventually it
crashes by itself.

Introducing Janet Reno as Davros. Scarier than Steve Jobs, so over the
top she makes Brian Blessed (in a cameo appearance as Rassilon) look
like a model of restraint, and quite a savings in the makeup budget as

Starring pantomime favorite and former Doug McClure costar Anthony
Ainley, in his triumphant return to shiny disk, as The Master. Is he
our last best hope for peace, or just a babbling idiot with a fetish
for rubber masks?

Special Effects by BBC Micro. An all-old MIDI Soundtrack sampled from
genuine internet Doctor Who fanboy sites (well, it's not like they can
sue us, is it?). Ask for the novel by Doctor Who author John Peel in
better bookstores everywhere, but be prepared for some strange looks.

Allen Robinson (> 15/11/99



Charles Martin wrote:
> Steve Broster" wrote:
> > > Bloody BBC "High Quality" tapes!
> Yes, BBC Video Tapes -- "They Wipe Themselves!"

[Disclaimer] The following section is fiction, and is not a serious
message. It is meant to be in a light mood. It is not implying in any
way that any serious messages by anyone here, even myself, are fiction.

(A phone rings in the BBC Complaint Department, a phone shack next to
the runway at Heathrow Airport Terminal 4. A punk rocker who is working
there as part of his community service picks up the phone.)

Punk: 'Allo. BBC Complaint Department. Do you want to make something
out of it?!?'

Caller: 'Actually, I wish the complain about these BBC 'High Quality'

P: 'I see. What seems to be the problem with yo.., er, them?'

C: 'They don't work. I put one in the VCR, record a TV show, rewind the
tape, and the show isn't there!!!'

P: 'Was this TV show on the telly?'

C: 'Of course. Even with Real Video, virtually all TV shows air on the
telly. That's why they're TV shows.'

P: 'Well, I haven't watched any since they gave the Doctor that hideous
gray coat with black patches for a story or two in 1975. Betrayal if
you ask me. Sorry, what was your problem again?'

C: 'The "High Quality" VHS tapes made by the BBC do not record
television programmes, and I want a refund.'

P: 'Why would you need a refund? The tapes are working properly.'

C: (15 seconds of shocked silence.) 'Could you clarify that, please?'

P: (Reading from trainee manual) 'It is il-le-gal to make per-ma-nent
cop-ies of shows off the tel-ly, ex-cept for cer-tain e-du-ca-tion-al
broad-casts that air in late night on B-B-C-2. B-B-C Vi-de-o Tapes are
de-signed to e-rase them-selves when they are re-wound.'

C: 'But, but, but that means that I never get to see what I tape!'

P: 'Of course. Letting you see it would be violating copyright.'

C: 'Then why are you selling video tapes expressly for the purpose of
taping off the telly in the first place?'

P: 'It's just an elaborate sting operation. The BBC tapes redesign the
software on VCRs. When Y2K hits, all the VCRs that used BBC blank tapes
(most of the people taping off the telly) will die. That'll teach those
who violate copyright!'

C: 'Doesn't that strike you as a tad dodgy?'

P: 'What do I care? I haven't listened to the telly since 75, or to the
radio since The Navy Lark gang moved to a TV station. For all I know,
they may still be there. Now, I'm going to hang up on you and block out
your phone number. I'm determined to have my next song about rage
finished before teatime.'


'Organon' AKA Benjamin F. Elliott (> 15/11/99


Subject: Re: Madonna -- like a Virgin NA?

'Distant' Dave wrote...
> >> Henry Potts wrote:
> >> >I note Madonna's _Bedtime Stories_ album has songs entitled
> >> >"Human Nature" and "Sanctuary", in that order. A coincidence...?
> Yes. They are common English words and phrases.
> If, on the other hand there was a track called "Lungbarrow" or "Piss
> off you bastard Daleks" the evidence might be more conclusive.

For some reason, the thought of Madonna singing 'Piss Off You Bastard
Daleks' just seems... not at all unlikely, really. After all, wasn't her
album Faster Than A Ray C Tate?

'Joxer' AKA Colin B. (>


[Subject: Re: Heading into Year 2000 Was Re: Lest we Forget]

>on january 1 2000
>i will be celebrating my
>one hundred forty fourth

That's gross.

David Brider (> 16/11/99


DBurns6554 wrote:
> >>Without the Doctor and the Tardis, why watch it then? I don't see any
> >>spinoffs called "The Ian and Barbara Show".
> >
> >A shame that, isn't it?
> Just as long as there is not a spinoff called "The Adric Show". That would
> insulting to the Doctors.

There is, but it's called 'Walking with Dinosaurs'. Adric's not in it
much, but he plays a crucial role in the last episode.

Ben Woodhams (> 16/11/99


[Subject: Yeah, I have missing DW episodes, or something. Yeah, that's the

Uh, my name is Darren Gregory, and i, like, i have some missing DW episodes.

I, uh, found the episodes in a church or at the bottom of the sea or
something.  Yeah, in a church at the bottom of the sea!  That's the ticket!

Uh, if you like send me money or something, I'll give you the episodes, or
something.  Here's my lst of the ones I have:

Pyramids of Mars Part 1
Survival Part 3
Autumn Mist (Yeah, they made it for TV.  That's the ticket!)
The Chase Part 6

Yep.  I got those missing episodes.  Yeah, they're missing alright.

So send me money at:

100 Stupid Fucking Liar Place
Liverpool, er, London, no that's not it, Woking!  That's it!
E54 T56 or something...

Darren (You can trust me.  Really)

Heh, heh, heh.  Suckers!

Damn!  I wrote that!

Keith Brookes (> 16/11/99


[Subject: Doctor Who Trivia Contest]

I am now pleased to announce a brand new Doctor Who contest in which you can
win some fabulous prizes.  All you need to do is to answer every one of the
following ten multiple choice questions correctly, and I'll draw three
winning entries from a box.  You must answer all ten questions correctly in
order to be eligible for a prize.  The prizes are as follows.

1st prize:  A real full size Dalek!  This blobby mutant inside a wastebin is
guaranteed to unclog toilets and entertain you for hours.  Comes to you
straight from Skaro, the Dalek planet.  WARNING:  The Dalek to be issued to
the winner of this contest is very disruptive, it has failed obedience
school, and its vocabulary apparently contains only one word, an
eleven-letter word that begins with an "E".

2nd prize:  A complete set of seven 16mm films from the classic story "Marco
Polo", each one individually autographed by William Hartnell himself!

3rd prize:  Peter Davison's celery!  Now you can become a proud owner of the
actual stick of celery worn by the great Peter Davison on Doctor Who!
Now, here are the questions.

1.  What is the Doctor's real name?
a.  John Smith
b.  Theta Sigma
c.  Doctor Who
d.  I.M. Foreman
e.  Tom Baker

2.  What is the Master's real name?
a.  Jacknappes
b.  Jehosephat
c.  James Stoker
d.  Professor Thascales
e.  Emil Keller
f.  Neil Toynay

3.  What is the official title for the first story?
a.  The Tribe of Gum
b.  An Unearthly Child
c.  100,000 BC
d.  The Cavemen
e.  Verity, here's that thing about the cavemen you wanted, Love Tony
f.  Serial A

4.  What year does the UNIT sequences in "The Time Warrior" take place?
a.  1972
b.  1973
c.  1974
d.  1975
e.  1980
Hint:  Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart was still employed by UNIT in this
story, and in another story he stated the year he retired from UNIT.

5.  By what other name is the Loch Ness monster known as?
a.  The Skarasen
b.  The Borad
c.  Adric
d.  A surviving Plesiosaur

6.  Approximately how many people in the world currently own a pirate copy
of a 16mm film print of "The Tenth Planet 4"?
a.  5,400,000,000
b.  5,500,000,000
c.  5,600,000,000
d.  5,700,000,000
e.  5,800,000,000

7.  In what year do we expect someone to send their pirate copy of "The
Tenth Planet 4" to the BBC archives?
a.  2023
b.  2024
c.  2025
d.  2026
e.  2027

8.  Who is Gordon Bennett?
a.  Ace's boyfriend
b.  Dorothy's boyfriend
c.  Sophie Aldred's boyfriend
d.  The president of Iceworld
e.  Jarvis Bennett's son
f.  The manufacturer of Nitro-9

9.  What color is the door control lever on the TARDIS console as used in
a.  Black
b.  Red
c.  Gold
d.  Blue
e.  White
f.  Gray

10.  What was the final score of the football game which Ace made a
reference to (the halftime score) in "The Curse of Fenric"?
a.  Perivale 600,000,000; Rest of the universe 600,000,001
b.  Perivale 1,200,000,000; Rest of the universe 0
c.  Perivale was disqualified for using illegal muscle enhancing drugs
d.  Perivale 600,000,000; Rest of the universe 600,000,000; Skaro
e.  The game was suspended due to darkness at Wrigley Field
f.  Perivale 700,000,000; Nyssavale 800,000,000; Leelavale 650,000,000

This the deadline for all contest entries is April 1st.

Michael R. Wall (> 16/11/99


PMount9720 wrote
that wrote:
> >I'm off to unwrap my TDK EHG240 and run it forward and back.
> Do people still do this to new tapes????

(Looks at's post>

(Looks at PMount's post>

(Repeats above steps several times in a McEnroe vs. Borg stylee>

Well, I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark at this one, but....

Ben Woodhams (> 17/11/99


Charles Daniels wrote:

>I'll use Azaxyr's handy form here...

Not really as handy as you might think. Certainly the helmet and
carapace are good for protection, but you can't really nip down the
shops in it.

Richard Jones (> 17/11/99


[I'm sorry but I just had to include this]

[Subject: Re: 3039 New record for the week!]

Waxvax wrote:
>Yup - that's right a whopping 3039 posts this week!

Are you for real?

The Doctor AKA Dave Yadalee (> 17/11/99


[Subject: Re: Spearhead Viewing Figures] wrote...
>Well, the overnight viewing figures are in and it's very good news.
>Time               Viewers(millions)        Share (%)
>1800-1815          2.5                        12.8

Quite a surprise.  You might have thought the Battle of Waterloo
would prove too strong a distraction, but no.

>1815-1830          2.8                        13.7
>1830-1845          3.0                        14.2

The passing of the First Reform Act of 1830 clearly increases the
viewing figures, I see.

Graham Nelson (> 18/11/99


[Subject: Re: Oh my God! Colin looks like Archie Bunker]

Jim Taylor wrote in message...
>Whoever posted that Colins the next to die, was right!
>his chins are bigger than his head.  Hit the gym fatass

The Colin "Jabba" Baker era titles have actually been retrospectively
"The Double Chin Dilemma"
"Attack of the Cellulite"
"Voracious on Varos"
"Stretch Mark of the Rani"
"The Size of Two Doctors" or "One at a Time Please"
"Rotundity of the Daleks"
"The Bile of a Time Lord"

Carrot juice is definitely required.

Mind you, Tom's looking distinctly porky as well.

Matt Michael (> 18/11/99


[Subject: 5drs DVD in WHS shock.]

WH Smith in Derby has a copy of The Five Doctors DVD. Its been there
for the past fortnight even though I shifted it to No3 in their DVD
chart last week without telling anyone. There's a thin layer of dust
gathering on it so I'm popping in on Monday to clean it. I'll give it
everyone's regards...

Andy Thompson (> 19/11/99


[Yes, It's the Xmas Squid! And This time it's explained!]

orinoco wrote:
> OK, to kill the joke and bore the hell out of everyone, here is the gist
> the Fairy Liquid advert
> Mummy and young girl are in kitchen doing washing up
> Young Girl: Mummy, why are your hands so soft
> Nanette Newman type person: because daddy does the washing up.. *or*
> I use fairy liquid
> /dabs soap bubbles on young girls nose/
> 'Now hands that do dishes can be soft as your face, with mild green hairy
> lip squid'
> Everyone happy now?

Wednesday morning, after reading Orinoco's original reply: Nope, didn't get
Went off to bed shortly after eight, got up around five. Still didn't get
Nodded off after Crusade, still not having gotten it, even tho' the demmed
thing's punchline had been written out. Thursday morning: the blasted
down!!! AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!! Stays down all day. Leave shortly before
(after finding out I won't be needed at the station this week after all, but
there're other fish to fry -- or squid...) in the usual rush, after getting
up for the day 'round 6:30 am. Still don't get it. On the way home, certain
words reverberate in memory: Fairy, hairy, liquid, lipped squid... And then
suddenly a horrid realization comes over me: I've been looking at the wrong
word as being significant... "Verchez" is irrelevant... And now I realize
the truth that others before me have discovered, now I understand, and now I
can hear that strangely ominous sound: "Teke-li-li, teke-li-li" through the
computer room door, and I know the Xmas Squid has come for me at last...

"Snarky, the Chocolate Snark" (> 19/11/99


[Subject: Re: Who Night - Final Question...!]

Andy Thompson wrote:
> Just one final question that doesn't seem to have been addressed in
> the heated arguments and discussions about last Saturday's festival of
> Who-ness....
> I think in the interests of completeness, we need to know....
> I certainly need to know just in case I bump into him in the street!

I think so, though he's married again now isn't he?

I think it's certainly safe to HUG him, after a suitable warning --
something like:


....said in a sort of Crash Bandicoot manner with a bullhorn.

Charles Martin (> 20/11/99


Rayctate wrote:

>>Daibhid Cheinnedelh wrote:
>>... what was essentially the same message twice.
>>Shoot. Don't know how that happened. Sorry, folks.
>Blame it on the Faction Paradox.

Sheesh, I'm *sick* of the Faction getting blamed for everything.
They're a thoroughly decent bunch of blokes - we had a great time when
they came round to my place.  When they didn't come round to my place.

Meddling Mick (> 21/11/99


[Subject: Re: A Brilliant Idea or What ?]

"The Dominie" wrote...
> I went out with a group of friends last night to celebrate Emma's birthday
> (girl at DWM's 20th Birthday Bash with purple hat and purple scarf ---
> coincidentally it's the 23rd November) at the 'Hard Rock Cafe' in London,
> where I had this brilliant idea!
> How about setting-up a "Who-Themed" Restaurant!!

To answer your original question:

My money is on the equivocal Mr. "Wilfred" What.

'Arthur Banana' (> 21/11/99


[In reply to a troll...]

Pope Maddogg wrote in message
>How about basement-dwelling-pizza-faced-small-penis-virgin-trekkie
>loser-boy then?

That's *MR* basement-dwelling-pizza-faced-small-penis-virgin-trekkie
loser-boy to you. Only my friends are allowed to drop the Mr (or they
would be if I had any (sob>)

'orinoco' (> 22/11/99


[Subject: Re: What does Davros say?]

Joe Meredith wrote:

> In 'Resurrection' as the two Daleks start foaming from the virus...and
> Davros shouts something at them...what is it he shouts?

IIRC "White wee-wee, white wee-wee".

Scott Andrews (> 22/11/99


[Subject: 36 is a dangerous age, Doctor...]

.... but Happy Birthday anyway.

Just a reminder to everyone that it's now only 13 days until the
anniversary of the series' effective cancellation, and I hope everyone's up
for the burning-down-Albert-Square party. Also planned is a re-enactment of
Zulu at broadcasting house - bring your own assegai. And a special version
of The Generation Game conveyor belt sequence where guest contestant
Jonathan Powell is forced to eat anything he can't remember! Cuddly toy!

Daniel O'Mahony (>


(Vampire 20003090) writer:
>You have also been saying things about him, haven't you? This is turning
into a
>'he said this about me, she said that about me' kind of argument.

Oh, you mean it's turning into a Pip & Jane
Baker novel???

'Azaxyr' (> 23/11/99


[Subject: Re: Eric Saward]

Jason B. writes:

>>What is he doing these days?

>I think his involvement in the John Nathan-Turner Fan Club takes up a lot
>his time these days...

        Stalking and killing the members one by one hardly
        counts as "involvement."

Michael Montoure (> 23/11/99

[Subject: Re: What would flip out fans]

10) The Doctor is revealed to be a saggy old knitted toy in Emily's
    shop, thus proving the Looms theory to be canonical.

David Herrick (> 25/11/99


[Subject: Re: Eric Saward] wrote
>Nothing on Eric, but Andrew Cartmel was apparently homepage
>editor on a while back.

Where, no doubt, he'd used people who had never seen a webpage before or
how to write for one, and couldn't edit their text to fit the exact page

David Brunt (> 25/11/99



David Brider wrote:
> Richard Henry wrote:
>> JNT is a man.
>> All men are mortal.
>> Well, you should be able to figure it out from there.

> Does this mean that women are immortal?

No, it just seems that way.

'Rynad7'> 25/11/99


[Subject: Re: Keith explains UNIT Dating and Mawdryn Undead (Spoilers for
Interference)] babbled:
>Well, it's simple.  How can the POtS not have existed, yet the Doctor knows
>about it in The Blue Angel?

Yes, and what about the PAnS he uses to fry those eggs with, hmm?

'Azaxyr' (azaxyr@aol.comicrelief> 28/11/99


orinoco wrote, of The Man in the Velvet Mask:

> It's the only NA/MA/EDA/PDA that I haven't read. Is it any good?
> Not that I'll get an unbiased opinion, but I will settle for a description
> of it's selling points

Well, there's a sense of rush about the final few chapters, as though the
author were writing at a frantic pace to catch up with a deadline; also
some muffled elisions as if the author were warned in advance that certain
bits of the story were going to get censored. Dodo getting laid comes a bit
out of the blue but its very tastefully handled and isn't remotely open to
wild fan rumours and misprision. The detail perhaps isn't as fine as his
earlier title but the themes and structure are much better organised. The
characters are all very memorable, as is the writing style.

There's also tonnes of nudity and a cool bit with a mad tree.

Daniel O'Mahony (> 30/11/99


[Subject: Re: Rumor Mongering]

"Snarky, the Chocolate Snark" wrote
> > Well she is a notorious tripper.
> What, Jo dropped acid?...

It was in Terror of the Autons. She was carrying a big jar of sulphuric
(might have been nitric), and it went all over one of the Doctor's
experiments. But they laughed about it afterwards.

'orinoco' (> 30/11//99


[Subject: Re: Website update]

"Andrew" wrote...
> I've recently uploaded a bunch of (terribly boring to look at, but hey)
> pages all about what I consider to be canon in Who.

Ah ... now *that's* how to write a "shortest thread" post....

Gareth Thomas (> 30/11/99


"Paul Freeman" wrote...
> No, not the mind probe, said Jon Elledge, adding the following:
> >I think that's quite comendable, if a little undiscerning. At least
> >not going to lower yourself to the level of flame wars. Have a gold star!
> Adric:  Excuse me, but gold stars are only awarded for Mathematical
> Excellence, not for not starting flame wars.

Now now, Paul, don't rub it in. No, seriously, don't! We've lost more
cybermen that way...

Simon Cooke (> 1/12/99


[Subject: Re: Test - please ignore this message]

Snarky, the Chocolate Snark wrote...
>Michael Wall wrote:
>> I told you to ignore this message.  Now the Borad must banish you into
>> timelash!

We're afraid that the Borad is unavailable at the moment, since he's
desperately searching for the plot. However, if you'd like to leave a
message after the beep-

Jon Elledge (> 2/12/99


Snarky, the Chocolate Snark wrote...
>Keith Brookes wrote:
>> Pope Maddogg wrote...
>> > Snarky wrote:
>> > They're fucking evil man.  The only way to
>> > block their mind control is to continuously play Pong while singing
>> > Good Ship Lollipop"!  Now everybody, SING!
>> > "On the goooood ship Lol-i-pop..."
>> >
>> I put on a little sailor suit as well, just in case.
>> On the goood ship Loll-i-pop!
>...the goood ship loll-i-pop...

[slips into a brigadiers uniform]

    Stop!  Stop!  Stop this at once!  This started off as a nice little
thread about people going mad under mind control.  But now its all gone
silly.     Now, no one appreicates a joke better than I!  Well, except my
wife... and my sergeant.  Oh, and that guy I bumped into at the mess named
Bernard.   And Lethbridge-Stewart's hair was too long to be a brigadier in
the first place.   Lets have a sensible....

[huge foot comes down and squishes me]

Tony Velasquez (> 2/12/99


[Subject: Re: Bowls Fans on Points of View...]

"Michael Palmer" wrote:

> Daniel O'Mahony wrote...
> >... were complaining about the Spearhead repeats interrupting their
> >particular pastime at an especially exciting juncture.
> >
> >What I want to know is: did BBC2 announce that "We're interrupting
> >of this sporting event to bring you a scheduled programme?"
> Yes, that's more or less what the sports announcer said on Tuesday as the
> bowls ended at 6 pm.
> Another good thing on POV, was the letter from the 12 year old kid,
> the BBC for the repeats and saying that most of his class at school watch
> it.  A good sign for the future of DW.

Well I walked past a bowling green today, and all the pensioners had
left their silly wooden balls in the club house and were chasing each
other around with one arm held out in front of their heads,

(The above may not be true)

Conrad Feinson (> 2/12/99


[Subject: Re: O.K, Lets be serious!]

Alan S. Wales wrote:
>>4)The dress sense of DrWho is pants.
>What? Dr. Who's fashion sense centers on pants? I thought the focus was on
>quirky looking smoking jackets.

Have we ever seen Doctor Who's pants?  I wonder what they'd look like.  This
is what I thought:

Hartnell: Incontinence knickers
Troughton: Baggy long johns
Pertwee: Red velvet G-string
Tom: Nothing at all
Davison: Sensible sports knickers
Col: Something voluminous in patchwork - probably lots of pairs stitched
together because he can't find one pair big enough (sorry Col, but you are a
bit porky)
Sylv: Y-fronts (cream to start with, changing brown for his final season)
McGann: Silk boxers

Matt Michael (> 3/12/99


[Subject: Re: Monster return?]

Joe Meredith wrote:

> Which monsters would fans most like to see being resurrected for
> NA's/MA's..meaning the one off creations...?

To add a little challenge, I've scrambled the letters of the villain I
want to return (and is rumoured to appear in a prominent BBC Book next

R     E      T       A      K      Y

D     A      R       E      E      L

F     O              H      E      T

L     N      E       A      I

D     O      R       O      V

Can you guess who it is yet?

Mark Clapham (> 3/12/99


[Subject: Re: Sad Fan Signs...]

[i.e. seeing unconnected things and thinking automatically of Doctor Who]

When I saw this title in the London Evening Standard I had to do a double
"Doctor who took parts from dead children" (no disprespect intended)

'bob monkhouse' (> 4/12/99


[Subject: Re: Have the Ice Warriors knocked out another NASA probe]

"Aggie-Tom" wrote:
>Next they'll be wantin to control the earths weather. We've already has
>storm here in Northampton that knocked out the power lines. No wait a
>moment. That was Cybermen.

What?  A storm in Northampton knocked out the Cybermen?  Sheesh, I
thought they were a bit lame when pennies could harm them, but...
inclement weather?!?

Meddling Mick (> 4/12/99


orinoco wrote:
> M.H. Stevens wrote...
>>Why is it whenever I talk about anything seriously around here everyone
>>treats it as a comedy free-for-all??
> because continuity isn't *that* sacred to anyone else?

Ohhh ohh!  You're quite wrong!  The President of the Intergalactic
Who Club, Arnold J. Rimmer, wrote this manifesto dated
January 2172 -

A Matter of Continuity;
By: Arnold J. Rimmer

"Continuity is of prime importance in Doctor Who;  Without a context
to work from the universe of Doctor Who - is as random as something
which is completely random.  Without continuity any number of strange
things could happen.  For instance, I could imagine that without
continuity someone could do something which...well which as far As
I can imagine, an author could very well do something like...they
could do something which in someway conflicts with continuity!  And
we all know how bad that is.
 Looking at it from an historical prespective, it is obvious to us
now that the Doctor's real name is Terrance Holmes.  However this
was not revealed until the book "The Time Keys of Rassilion" was
released in 2003.  We all know the Doctor can gain new life cycles
simply by asking Rassilion very politely, and not wanting to rule the
cosmos for all time, yet this was not established until the 13th
Doctor, played by Noel Edmunds, finally died off in 2019.  These
are the established boundaries within Doctor Who.   Some people have
called for the TARDIS to look like a police box again.  However
the police box circuit broke over 120 years ago, and I much prefer
its current form, established a dozen decades ago, as a mini.
Doctor Who is a temple of continuity.  Sure Atalntis has been explained
away 10 different ways - don't mention that again.
 Doctor Who needs to stay true to its base of the last 120 years.
Those who want a white male to play the part don't understand that this
would be a token casting by BBC53.  Channel 27's version of Doctor Who
attempted this 50 years ago and the entire Earth Union looked ridiculous.
For the last 150 years the Doctor has been a short asian/black/hispanic
woman.  THIS is who the character TRULY is.  Not that bloke in the
scarf from the 20th century - don't mention him EITHER!
 I don't blame people for liking that which exists from the 20th century
but it's not enough.  All that's left is Tomb of the Cybermen, Nightmare
of Eden, Timeflight, and most of Trial of a Time Lord from this period.
The BBC was right to burn all the 2D non-holographic prints of Doctor
Who if you ask me!   The show really didn't even come into its own
fully until Zebee Dwizelthrope took the role in 2063 - god bless her
 Anyway if it isn't broke don't fix it.  We don't need those silly old
villains like The Cybermen, The Daleks, and Faction Paradox.  We don't
need the NEW ONES like The Neurotechs, the Bank Managers, and the
Jellyfish Collective.  We need to stick to the last 120 years!
Bring back the Bloobybins, The Fish Men, and Varnax, the best Time Lord
character EVER in my opinion!
 I'll keep buying the new holonovels, but don't expect me to like them!"

Charles Daniels (> 4/12/99


[I'm going to get lynched for this one, aren't I?]

DBurns6554 writes:

>No, but we do have an orchestrated campaign going against the Pro-McCoy
>Kelly bashes them from the morning to the afternoon, Azaxyr bashes them
>the late afternoon to evening, and I bash them from midnight to sunrise. I
>working nights!

"Azaxyr punches in his time card, mumbling
something about how this should be computerized
by now, and how William D. Starr is a big fat ugly tosser..."

'Azaxyr' (azaxyr@aol.comicrelief> 5/12/99


Ever notice how the Master never gets into the story titles?

Mask of the Master  (working title: Beanbag of the Master)
The Evil of the Master
Escape of the Master
Judgement of the Master
The Master's Daemon
Fortress of the Master
Mistress of the Master
The Master's Dalek Plan
The Master's Deadly Revenge
Keeper of the Master
Triumph of the Master
Village of the Master
Flight of the Master
The Master's King
The One Master
The Master's Gas
Madness of the Master
The Ultimate Foe of the Master
Eyes of the Master

Daniel Frankham (> 5/12/99


[Subject: Re: Dangermouse is no longer with us?]

Some people criticise the episode for being silly and unnecessary but
DM's parting shot: 'Next time I shall not be so lenient!' is one of the
finest pieces of dialogue in the Key to Flame series.

Andrew Lawston (> 7/12/99
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