100 (and more) Things that I learnt from Doctor Who

By Richard Prekodravac

The idea for this list is based on a list 100 things I learnt from Star Wars that appeared in "Arena"

OK here it is. This is the list, the collective intelligence of Doctor Who fans.

1. Never befriend a mathematical genius.
2. Always carry more than two cannisters of explosives.
3. Jelly babies help break awkward social gatherings.
4. If plan A fails, use plan B.
5. A multicoloured jacket is not a fashion statement.
6. Anyone with a duck on their head is evil.
7. Even heads are people too.
8. Flying down from the Eiffel Tower would draw attention.
9. The Mona Lisa has "this is a fake" written in black texter on the canvas.
10. Time travel fucks with your mind.
11. When exploring alien planets, always wear your least practical shoes 
12. Soylent green really _is_ people! (oops.. sorry, wrong show)
13. You can never have too many pockets 
14. Always interfere-- everybody else does 
15. If it ain't broke, it soon will be (at least in the Tardis) 
16. Don't go near the water, it's full of Haemovores/Zygons 
/stranded Rutans/etc 
17. The sonic screwdriver: don't leave the Tardis without it.  
18. Evil goateed megalomaniacs have more fun 
19. Never stay where the Doctor tells you to; you'd miss all the death threats 
20. There's always time for a cup of tea
21. Never trust a man wearing the Beard of Evil.  
22. Never fire energy weapons in an enclosed space.   
23. Don't stand too close to the time accelerator.   
24. Telling the Logopolians to shut up is a fundimentally stupid thing to do. 
25. Aces are rare.  
26. When you're trapped in an energy bubble, screaming is fun.  
27. Running from a time scoop is a pretty silly thing to do.  
28. Resistance is useless. 
29. When suffering from Lazar's disease, remove all extranious(sp?) clothing. 
30. Computers work better if you hit them.  Hard.
31. If the Doctor tells you not to worry, worry.
32. If the Doctor starts talking about the history of your name, either
run or grab a mirror.
33. If you're a pretty young woman with a habit of wearing heeled shoes,
bet you'll end up traveling with the Doctor.
34. If you come across a guy with a name that sounds like an anagram of
Master, run.
35. If you see a tall blue box with the words Police Call Box on it,
immediately run in the opposite direction.
36. Always remember to carry gold, comes in handy when dealing with Cybermen
37. Aquire the taste for jellybabies, especially if you're in the company
of a tall man who likes long scarfs.
38. If the Doctor tells you he's not planning something, don't believe him.
39. If the Doctor pulls out a recorder, run.  Your ears will thank you for it.
40. If your Doctor suddenly aquires the taste for cat, run.
41. If you want to become someone important in the universe, just stick
yourself with a title i.e. "The Shepherd, The Guy with the Nice Shoes, etc.
42. When creating the superior being of the universe, remember limbs.
43. Never wear blue on a world made entirely of CSO.
44. Drinking too much carrot juice can cause a regeneration.
45. The boy you hate in school may just be Trion royalty.
46. Police boxes should never be pink.
47. It's O.K. to kiss the woman who killed your previous self.
48. The best way to celebrate the defeat of an alien menace is to nip off
to the pub for a pint.
49. Any doppleganger of yourself will be evil.
50. Ancient Gallifreyan weapons would not make good wedding gifts.
51. Tea is something that you go home for and have with muffins and
strawberry jam.
52. It's OK to wear gloves even when it's not snowing.
53. Somerset is a place on earth and has its own accent.
54. Cricket is really a game that people play.
55. There are places in the universe where nobody has heard of Roberto Alomar.
56. As soon as you think it's safe to go upstairs, the Daleks learn how
to hover...
57. All the really useful controls are hidden behind roundels.
58. If you stow away in the TARDIS you'll end up either killing off the
dinosaurs or writing _War of the Worlds_.
59. If, while traveling with the Doctor, you discover that you have a
double, you're going to get kidnapped. 
60. Any episode that is canceled in the middle of production and shrouded
in mystery for years will eventually be released on video with narration
by Tom Baker.
61. If K9 is written out of a story in the TARDIS, then that story
usually features Water, Rocky Terrain, or Daleks
62. Sleep is for tortoises.
63. Good looks are no substitute for a sound character.
64. Never trust a man who wears a hat.
65. Another thing I have learned from watching DW is that when ever you
get into trouble just race up and down corridors. This is good exercise
and confuses that bad guys.
66. Don't eat the yellow dip.
67. We know what really destroyed the dinosaurs.
68. Keep your keys in your shoes.
69. Anything impossible is possible.
70. Act as if you own the place.
71. Check the radiation meter twice.
72. Clouds of LSD do not exist.
73. Some radiators are highly intelligent.
74. A frying pan isn't only for cooking
75. The problem with alien intelligences is that they're alien.
76. A cricket match is the best form of diplomacy.
77. Beware of small girls with red ballons.
78. Parachutes are people too.
79. I said, DON'T eat the yellow dip.
80. When in the console room, hang on to the hatstand, the TARDIS may 
buck and sway, but the hatstand stays upright.
81. Anyone with an evil chuckle is bound to be taking over the universe.
82. If you think you're being followed, run like f**k, you are being followed.
83. If the doctor says "I'm just popping outside for a quick look 
around", club him over the head and take off again.
84. If the doctor asks you would you like to go somewhere 
nice/peaceful/tranquil/restful politely decline.
85. Anybody with a suspect Welsh-type accent and a dodgy beard or mask is 
the Master, run like f**k.
86. Every other alien in the universe has only a single name
87. Get your retaliation in first !
88. Everytime you land on Earth phone home and warn them about the 
invasion/attack/crisis thats about to happen, before it happens
89. Just when you think things can't get any worse...............
90. Electrified floors disguised cunningly as chessboards can be fun.
91. If you're on a crashing space freighter, stay in the escape pod.
92. If you hang around Time Lords, expect aliens at your wedding.
93. If the Doctor starts getting tortured, you're in a Kate Orman novel.
94. If _everyone_ starts getting tortured, you're in a Mortimore novel.
95. If a cat looks at you hungrily, don't run.
96. Safe Time travel is an oxy-moron.
97. Co-ordinates 00000 can be virtually anywhere.
98. There's no such thing as sledgehammer morilising.
99. Don't take a job being a guard for anything important.
100. Don't eat the yellow dip
101. Anyone who doesn't live in London:
   a) lives in a mansion
or b) poaches
or c) has second sight
or d) worships Satan
or e) various combinations of the above

With a special note: if Scottish, plays bagpipes; if Welsh, works down
t'pit, (or did afore they shut it down).

102. Aliens are always green, and come in threes.
103. Mining is the Universe's biggest industry
104. Species besides homo sapiens are usually either good or bad. The few
morally ambivalent races have a pronounced class system.
105. Soldiers drink lots of tea, and never swear.
106. As you go through life, always remember not to stop and smell the
plastic flowers.
107. Laughter is a universal language. Especially evil laughter.
108. Anyone who comes from outer space probably wants to kill, enslave,
or eat us. Unless they have a sidekick wearing a miniskirt.
109. Sideburns good. Moustache good. Beard evil.
110. You can never solve a problem with guns. Try the bazooka instead.
111. Never let alien monsters bring you a cup of tea (or build meteor
prediction computers).
112. If you meet a savage in Scotland, check her jewelry.
113. Madness, in scientists, is betrayed by their eyes.
114. Plastic tea trays mend enviromental domes.
115. Anyone dancing the Highland Fling is about to make a speedy exit.
116. If some lunatic tells you aliens are kidnapping children from your
airport, believe him.
117. The Dr is NOT human (important)
118. You can't bargain with a Cyberman.
119. Yeti are not shy, timid creatures.
120. Loyalists side with alien invaders.
121. Don't start the TARDIS with the doors open.
122. If you've been hearing a beeping sound for some time check your pockets.
123. If in doubt scream at it (sometimes works).
124. Keep a spare supply of mercury (saves a lot of bother).
125. The Dr really IS NOT HUMAN (you should have learnt last time).
126. Lethal weapons are often kept in museums.
127. Never believe the scanner.
128. You can play billiards with nuclear weapons and Cyberman spaceships.
129. Umbrellas protect against corosive gas.
130. Monsters wont kill you if you tell them you're clever.
131. Like poles repel.
132. Always look in the obvious places (behind the picture, under the
pillow, etc).
133. ALWAYS check the scanner before entering a gang shoot out
134. Reversing the polarity WORKS every time.
135. The Answer to Time travel CAN be found in a junkyard
136. The Old West is not where you want to be if you have a toothache
137. Always tip your hat to inanimate objects, because you never can tell
if they're sentient.
138. Aim for the eyepiece.
139. Build high for happiness.
140. Don't trust the dryfoots.
141. Resistance is useless.
142. Two hearts are better than one.
143. OTT Space Pirate Captains may be more than they seem.
144. Sexual reproduction is inefficient.
145. K-9 isn't water-proof.
146. Never grab a strange hand in a quarry.
147. Janet Fielding looks great in a purple uniform.
148. Always remember your Venusian lullaby's.
149. Never trust radar - it always misses alien invasions.
150. Always die in reverse polarity.
151. The Key to time has feelings too.
152. A sonic screwdriver in the hand is worth nothing if in the hands of
a Terileptil.
153. Always rember where you parked your Tardis.
154. The means justify the end (of your self esteem)
155. All alien races are stupid.
156. Time is a confidance trick invented by the Swiss.
157. Always carry an umbrella - even in the middle of summer.
158. But be prepared for a lot of really inane questions if you do.  I get
them all the time.
159. Unless you are a Timelord, don't eat the mushrooms.
160. The scarf is one of the most useful things in the universe; never
leave home without it.

Richard Prekodravac  1-10,
Alison  11-20,
Alden Bates  21-30,
Terisa  31-40,
Chris Hankenson  41-50,
LoriGrenci  51-55,
Mr K A Bray  61,
David Mandell < blofeld@pop3.cris.com> 62-65,
Richard Prekodravac  66-79,
Dai David J. A. Lewis  80-89,
Alden Bates  91-99,
Richard Prekodravac  100,
Daniel Frankham   101-110,
Richard Develyn  111-132,
Dave Smith  133-137,
Richard Daniel Henry  138-147,
David Margerison  148-157,
K. M. Wilcox  158,
Chris Sweitzer  159,
Robert Marks <4rbm2@qlink.queensu.ca> 160.
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