Top 10 forthcoming announcements on WHO from the Beeb

by James A Hammerton

10. No decision has been or will ever be made about the future of Doctor Who. Nyaa! Nyaa! Nyaaa!

9. Doctor Who will return in a 5 minute mini-series to be broadcast at 11.55pm Dec 31st 1997. It will feature 13 Doctors, involving Paul McGann's Doctor being killed in a perpetual regeneration until the Doctor finally dies. The previous Doctors will appear in flashbacks during the regenerations. Guest appearances from: David Hasselhoff (9th Doctor), Tom Cruise (10th Doctor), Pamela Anderson (11th Doctor), Rory Bremner (12th Doctor), William Shatner (13 Doctor), plus all the previous Doctors (using advanced computer graphics techniques for the 1st - 3rd Doctors).

8. Doctor Who will never return because we cannot be arsed getting off our backsides to do anything with it. Instead we will give you the adventures of K9 a cartoon series, in which the plucky robot dog battles with Tom and Jerry and loses every time when flattened by a large anvil.

7. We might bring Doctor Who back. We might not. Who knows?

6. We will bring Doctor Who back for a special 1 hour 40th anniversary show, where he will battle with giant bananas led by the Master and in cahoots with the Tribbles (making a guest appearance from Star Trek), aided by all of his previous incarnations and Mr. Blobby.

5. We have made a deal to have 5 series of Doctor Who made by the Chinese State Broadcasting company, starring Jackie Chan as the timelord, and written and spoken in Mandarin. Unfortunately the conditions of the contract are that the program will only be shown on Chinese TV, and there will be no subtitles or dubbing for non chinese speakers.

4. Doctor Who will return for 5 musicals, with The Spice Girls taking turns to play each of his remaining incarnations. Playing the Master will be Alannis Morissette.

3. In a groundbreaking deal we have sold all the rights Doctor Who to Sky television who will decide whether they can be bothered making any new series within the next millenium sometime. This has netted us 6million pounds which we shall use to create a show for Mr. Blobby.

2. There will be no more Doctor Who. We have burned all the scripts, tapes, and are recalling all merchandise sold since 1970 to be recycled into merchandise for BUGS. We are closing down all Who related activities and there will not be any more books.... Only kidding! There has been a film commisioned with Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Doctor, Sylvester Stallone as the Master, Bruce Willis as the Brigadier, Sharon Stone as Romana, Demi Moore as Sara Jane Smith and Michael Douglas as Turlough. It will be produced by Quentin Tarantino and directed by John Wu. It shall feature lots of violence, sex and witty dialogue but will be 18 rated as a result. The Tardis will be redesigned to have two huge guns sticking out from either side. The provisional title for the film is "Doctor Who: The Bloodbath on Gallifrey". The slogan is "Doctor Who: He's back and he's tough!".

1. Due to a groundbreaking deal with Lucasfilm, Doctor Who shall return for 3 blockbuster films in which the Doctor (Mark Hamill) travels to a place located "a long time ago in a galaxy far far away" to do battle with the evil Darth Vader, as he protects a race of teddy bears from destruction.