Doctor Who Goes Ape Shit

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Massive Spoiler Warnings!!

Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

See the ENTIRE archive and image site at -

It's -

The One Hundred and Seventy-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Children In Need Special 2005 - Doctor Who Goes Ape Shit - 

 The screen fills with tons of stock footage from Doctor Who Series 1.
The footage serves to summarize the events of series 1, however, as
I've already summarized series 1 I'm not going to summarize my summaries
here.  That sounds a tad recursive if you as me.

 So, I'll just be totally lazy and paste in the official script below.
No reason to stress myself out and write anything.


Doctor: Hello! Okay-- ngh. My mouth tastes of dead guy and time vortex.
        Thats weird. 
        So where was I? Oh, thats right -- Barcelona! 

(Credit sequence appears here. Please don't spend any money on changing 
this. My guess is that we will HAVE to put David Tennant's name on the 
credits, but if we can find enough Eccleston stock footage and there is 
more of him than David, don't worry about it.)

Doctor: 6pm Tuesday October 5006.  On the way to Barcelona!
        Now then what do I look like?
        NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
        Don't tell me.

        A leather jacket, some trousers, a pair of shoes -- MY GOD I'M A 

(The Doctor slaps himself in the head in horror, but reels back from the 

        WAIT!  WAIT!  Don't worry.  I've got a head.  Thank god.
        That must be what I'm talking out of.

(The Doctor rubs himself up and down his sides)

        A little bit thinner. That's weird.
        Give me time, I'll get used to it.


        I  HAVE  GOT  A  PIMPLE!
        As old as I am.  And now I have acne!

        Between my shoulder blades.  There's a pimple.

        It's a big one.  I can feel the pus inside of me.
        That's alright.  Love the pimple.

        The pimple is just another, strange, pus-filled part of me.
        Go on then.  Tell me.  What do you think?

Rose: You're totally gross. Who are you?

Doctor: I'm the Doctor. 

Rose: No.   

Doctor: What do you mean, No?

Rose: I mean NO.

      Where is he?

      Where's the doctor? 
      What have you done to him?

Doctor: You saw me, I changed.  Right in front of you.
        I did the big sparkler right in front of your eyes.

Rose: I saw him sort of explode, and then you replaced him like a teleport 
      or a transmat or a bodyswap or something.

      You're not fooling me.

      I've seen all sorts of things.  Nanogenes, Gleth, Sliveen.
      Oh my god, are you Sliveen?

Doctor: No, I don't even know what the hell a 'Sliveen' is.
Rose: Send him back.
      I'm warning you.  Send the Doctor back right now.

Doctor: Rose, it's me.  Honestly it's me.
        I was dying.  To save my life I changed my body.
        Just like Michael Jackson.
        But instead of just the nose, Every single cell.
        But I'm still me.

Rose: You can't be.

Doctor: Then how could I remember this?
        The very first thing I ever said to you.
        Going after me in that junkyard, surrounded by rubbish,

        "What are you meddling school teachers doing here!?  
         Off with you before I beat you with this cane!"

Rose: No. That's someone else.

Doctor: OH YES!  I saved you off that beach in Lanzarote!
        WOW, that skimpy bikini and that lustful unconscious smile...


Doctor: Wait!  Wait!  It will come back to me.
        AH! AH!  You were 'arm in the elevator girl'!

Rose: Huh?

Doctor: I tossed a plastic shop dummy arm at you?

        I gave you that tired old pick up line about being able to
        feel the earth move at a thousand miles an hour.

Rose: That's me.

Doctor: OH. Oh. Alright.  Well, in that case, You'll do.

Rose: I'LL DO?

Doctor: Yes, you're not the best companion I've ever had, but
        you'd make a pretty page 3 girl.  And you ran away fast
        enough when I tried to come after you in that latex 
        maid's outfit.

Rose: Doctor?

Doctor: Hello.

(Rose pulls back and leans against the TARDIS)

Doctor: And you never stopped running did you?
        All across the TARDIS - running, running, running
        And that one time we played kinky and you had to hop.
        Do you remember?
        Hopping for your life.
        All that hopping.
        Remember hopping for your life?  Yeah?
        Hop.  With the...

Rose: Can you change back?

Doctor: Do you want me to?

Rose: Yeah.

Doctor: Oh.  Look Rose.  You can't dump me, I'm only four minutes old!

Rose: Can you change back?

Doctor: No.

Rose: Well what about anniversary specials and such?

Doctor: Oh PLEASE!  Do you really think that will happen?
        He wouldn't stick around for the Christmas special!
        He's worse than Tom Baker, and that's pretty bad.

Rose: Well, I was just hoping for someone a bit more.....y'know.

Doctor: Who did you want?

Rose: Anthony Stewart Head?  Bill Nighy?  Maybe Alan Davies?

Doctor: What do they have that I don't?!  At least I'm a FAN!
        A real fan.

Rose: Oh yeah, what's your favourite episode?

Doctor: The Happiness Patrol, episode 3.

(Rose shoots a confused look)

Doctor: Happiness Patrol is my favourite overall SERIAL as well. 

(An awkward silence fills the room)

        Do you want to leave?

Rose: Well, a little.  Yeah.
      It's nothing personal against you, it's just you.
      You're YOU.

(The Doctor leans over the console and changes the co-ordinates)

Doctor: Cancel Barcelona.  
        Change to London, the Powell Estate.
        Ah, let's say 24th December.  Consider it a Christmas Present.


Rose: You're taking me home?

Doctor: Up to you.
        Back to your Mum.
        It's all waiting - fish 'n chips, sausage and mash, beans on 

        NO!  Christmas.  Turkey.

        Although having met your mother, it might be beans on toast.

        Was that a smile?

Rose: No.

Doctor: That was a smile.

Rose: No it wasn't.

Doctor: You smiled.

Rose: No I hiccupped.

Doctor: Oh come on.
        All I did was change.
        I didn't F-(Scream of pain)

Rose: What?

Doctor: I said I didn't F-(scream of pain)

        Uh oh.  

Rose: Uh.  Are you alright?

(The Doctor breathes out some spare vortex)

Rose: What's that?

Doctor: Ew.  The change is going a bit wrong.
        I'm all F-(scream of pain)

Rose: Look maybe you should just drop me off in 200,000 AD.
      You could just finish up your dying or whatever and 
      Captain Jack can give me a ride home.

Doctor: NO!  He's busy!  He's got plenty to do!
        He's got his own new series on BBC3.
(The Doctor peers at a switch on the side of the console)

Doctor: I haven't touched her there in years.

(Tardis shakes)

Rose: What are you doing?

Doctor: I'm revving this bitch up like a bat out of hell!
        That's it!
        Come on beautiful ship. Come on!
        Faster there girl!
        (to Rose) FASTER!  Do you want to break the time limit?!

Rose: STOP IT!!!

Doctor: AH!  Don't be so dull.  Let's have a bit of fun!
        Let's rip through that vortex!!!
        (Calms down and scared) My regeneration is going wrong.
        I can't stop myself.

        (Screams in pain) Ahhh, my head!

        (Whips head up) FASTER!
        Let's open those engines!

(Cloister bell begins to ring)

Rose: What's that??

Doctor: We're going to crash land!!  (maniac laughter)

Rose: Well do something!

Doctor: Too late!
        Out of control!
        (hops in joy) HOT DAWG!

Rose: You're going to kill us!

Doctor: Yes, well I can always come back.
        Should have thought of that before you dumped me, 
        Miss Silly Girl I Only Live Once! 

        Hold on tight, here we go!
        Christmas Eve!

(Tardis whips around in vortex.)

Billie Piper speaks!

"The sad thing is, I think his favourite story IS the Happiness Patrol."

David Tennant Speaks!

"Because it was a Children's Special I needed to address that in my acting
and be a little more sedate than I am in the regular series."

Rumours & Facts -

This scene was lovingly chosen for inclusion in the Children In Need 
Special when Russell T. Davies deemed it too crap for the Christmas