A weird parody and semi-commentary about how a certain Doctor Who
character is treated...
After the wild success of New Adventures with the Doctor and the continuing
stories of the Doctor's companion Benny, a whole new line will be starting
up - The DNAs (Dodo's New Adventures)! Yes that's right, one book a month
will take you along with the exciting life journeys and adventures of this
unpopular Doctor Who companion!
For the first year the titles and descriptions are as follows -
DNA #01
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Title: Like Comfort For Dodo
Notes: Takes place between The Massacre and The Ark
Plot: An attempt to introduce Dodo to the reading audience begins
with this epic tale of galactic destruction! After viewing
her entire family chopped up to death by an insane chain saw
juggling maniac, Dodo runs into the TARDIS mistaking it for
a real police box, and is whisked away in time and space.
When the crew arrive on the planet, Zoxxirdtrcv IV, they
discover the Daleks with a new Masterplan of total destruction.
Steven is fined for littering by the Space Security Agency
and is given choice between the only two sentences still available
by law - Immediate Execution or to become a Dalek hunter until
he is exterminated. Being a man of honor, Steven chooses to be a
brave Dalek hunter as the Doctor works on both saving his life by
informing him of the Daleks' whereabouts and stopping their vile
alien technology of total conquest. In the midst of this universal
chaos and death, Dodo runs to the Doctor for comfort. She is too late
however as the Daleks force her into the time vortex where her
particles are broken into their component parts and spread
throughout eternity.
DNA #02
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Title: Comfort Zone
Notes: Thankfully retcons all Dodo adventures post The Massacre, thus
making her total canonical run with the Doctor about 4 minutes.
Plot: Dodo mysteriously wakes up in London, England 1966.
Now no longer a part of the TARDIS crew, Dodo is adjusting to
life with her insane alcoholic abusive aunt, the only survivor
of the chain saw massacre. Dodo discovers that several of her
friends are sick of her bitching about her life and running to
them for comfort afterwards. She explores her own comfort zone
and decides to try to move out of her aunt's house. Moving in
with an old friend of hers from Coal Hill School, Jenny Mandible,
she feels her life finally coming into order. Until one horrifying
night when she discovers her cute, blond, unassuming roommate
Jenny Mandible is a disgusting insectoid mutant bent on human
annihilation. Jenny transmogrifies into her true form and
shreds her into a million pieces.
DNA #03
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Title: FrankenDodo
Notes: Let us pray this is a working title!
Plot: Dodo finds that she has been re-stitched and is now brought to life
in the form of a hideous abomination of nature, so that's back to
normal at least. It turns out her old chemistry teacher, Ian
Chesterton has performed some sick experiments on her, bringing
her from the grip of death with foul alien technology.
Ian Chesterton was the programmer of the infamous WOTAN, and
thought to be completely mad by the children of Coal Hill School.
Dark rumors spoke of him disappearing with a lover for several
years and returning with strange inventions and dark powers.
Dodo fears that Ian has re-animated her into a zombie for sexual
purposes but is somewhat disappointed to find out that it was
really just "an unfortunate accident". Ian tries to talk to
the girl about the other realm of existence beyond life, but
all she does is run for comfort. So he decides to put himself
out of his misery and destroys his unsightly monster creation.
Dodo is purified by fire in Ian Chesterton's barbecue pit.
DNA #04
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Title: Hot Wings Anyone?
Notes: A Light hearted adventure (for this line of books anyway)
Plot: Dodo awakens mysteriously alive in Ian Chesterton's barbecue pit
a week after her gruesome murder. The stitches that held her
together have burned away and she looks back to normal, for Dodo
anyway. Pulling herself out of the pit she hears Ian entertaining
friends with food hot off the grill. Whilst trying to escape
she runs into Ian's other half, Barbara Wright. Barbara remembers
Dodo and forces her into an incredibly condescending conversation
about what Dodo wants to specialize in. Fleeing from the terror
of that banal conversation, Dodo rushes to the Inferno, an old
night club she used to haunt. Meeting up with her old friend
Polly at the club, she discovers Polly's last name for the first
time - Polly WRIGHT! Polly beats Dodo over the head with a
disco ball and takes her back to the lair of the Wright Women.
Polly and Barbara force Dodo to take LSD as they nail her to
a wall and play darts with her. Eventually poor Dodo succumbs to
the torture.
DNA #05
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Title: I, Dodo
Notes: Surprisingly not an Asimov parody
Plot: Dodo finds herself mysteriously alive in the back of a pub in Oxford.
After a confusing afternoon she meets a local student named Tim.
Tim comforts and seduces Dodo. After a week of bliss he asks Dodo
to marry him. Dodo, having the IQ of a grape, decides this would
be perfect and readily agrees. Tim takes her and makes wild love
with her, ravishing her repeatly until the late hours. When Dodo
awakes in the morning she finds a note from Tim saying he's just
stepped out for a moment to get some ice. Three days later Tim
returns with a glassy look in his eye. Dodo is upset but follows
Tim to the church where he wishes them to be wed. The church is
oddly The First Unified Church Of Evil. Before Dodo can have the
chance to say I Do (Or "I Dodo" just to be doubly sure) she is
terrified by the demands that she drink goat's blood and stops all
this sissy running for comfort business. Dodo is shocked to see
her husband turn into a demon and even more shocked when
the entire church is engulfed in a fireball for no reason.
DNA #06
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Title: Beyond Dodo
Notes: Almost anything is beyond Dodo!
Plot: Dodo awakes in the 7th circle of hell. There in a vision she
discovers that she is merely part of The Aspect. The Aspect
is a vague, poorly described, character invention cheaply laid
into the narrative to try to raise some mystery and interest
into the character of Dodo.
When Dodo awakens it's London, England 1978. England has Moonbase III
on the moon, and several Mars missions in progress, the currency is
still on the old LSD system, and go-go boots are still in fashion.
With no other way to support herself Dodo turns to prostitution,
and almost dies of poverty and starvation.
Meanwhile Dodo is experiencing several flashbacks to stories that
annoyingly we haven't seen and have no context for.
An alien cruiser arrives from the 32nd dimension and offers Dodo
a ride home. Lost in this strange futuristic England she agrees
to return to 1966. Climbing into the star cruiser she watches
as the warp drive activates, overloads, and the ship implodes.
DNA #07
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Title: Dodo Revisited
Notes: Will something nice ever happen to Dodo?
Plot: Dodo is back in London, England 1966. Her life is incredibly boring.
She spends most of her time watching TV and doing crosswords. One
day while walking to the local Sainsburys to buy some toothpaste
and cheese she encounters an odd Scottish fellow in strange clothes.
The strange little man introduces himself as the Doctor and tells
her that he travelled through time and space just to be with her.
The Doctor assures Dodo that he has planned their love all through
time.
He takes her back to the TARDIS where he introduces Dodo to Ace.
Ace personally can't stand Dodo but she puts up with her because the
Doctor seems so smitten.
Over a candle lit dinner the Doctor asks Dodo about her life since
they travelled together. She tells him of her terrifying voyage
into the future and the secret that she is the mysterious and
undefined Aspect.
The Doctor tells Dodo that he is The Other and has been meant to
pair with the Aspect since the beginning of time. It is their
cosmic destiny to be one.
Taking Dodo to the planet Rrrrravalox (as the Doctor says), he
gets Dodo to retrieve the sacred ring of Rassilon which he has
promised is to be her wedding ring from him.
Once the ring is in Dodo's hand the Doctor slips it on her finger
and she begins to speak in ancient Gallifreyian.
Dodo learns the truth, the Doctor had manipulated her all along
to get the lost secrets of the Time Lords. After she speaks the
Ancient Law of Gallifrey Dodo ceases to have ever existed in time.
The Doctor tips his hat and walks off.
DNA #08
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Title: Dodo Unbound
Notes: Unbound? Who would bother to bound her in the first place?
Plot: Dodo exists outside of time. With all the universe at her
disposal to take any form, any when she wants, she uses her
power to go back to London in 1966 and take her old form back,
thus proving she's not very bright.
Dodo discovers that she now has the power to kill small garden
slugs with a blink of an eye when she sneezes. This is a pathetic
power but it shows that after her experiences she is no longer
merely human. She's just MERELY something else.
Dodo goes to a dance club and grooves to some music by John Smith
and the Common Men. While there she meets a strange penguin like
man and a young Scotsmen in a kilt as the song Paperback Writer
blares in the backround. They tell her that they have lost
their novelty police box and would like her assistance in
finding it. She seeks out a local curio shop, only to discover
it crawling with Daleks who immediately remember her as the
annoying girl from Zoxxirdtrcv IV and blast her to death in
a cheap negative effect.
DNA #09
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Title: CyberDodo 2000
Notes: If the book series lasts this long in shops I'll be amazed
Plot: Dodo finds herself mysteriously alive in the year 2000. England
has Mars Colony III on Mars, missions to Pluto in progress, the
currency is on the old LSD system, and go-go boots are still in
fashion. The Cybermen have recreated her in one of their advanced
machines. They wish to give the earth a choice - join the Cybermen
and become like them without resistance or they will force the
human race to be assimilated with the Dodo factor.
To the terror of human civilization they are forced to be
converted as Cybermen or face the fate worst than death.
Dodo uses her amazingly blunt wit to confuse and escape from
the Cybermen. She joins an army of Cyberhunters with glitter
guns but often runs for comfort in the middle of intense space
battles. To the immense joy the last survivors of the human race,
a Cyberagent named Lytton kills Dodo. In the last scene the 6th
Doctor apologies for grossly misjudging Lytton as completely evil.
DNA #10
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Title: The Dawning of Evil
Notes: I think we are well into the afternoon of evil by this point.
Plot: Much to the annoyance of everyone, Dodo finds herself mysteriously
alive in her aunt's house in London 1966. She tries to figure out
what is happening to her. Her visions of the Aspect are so vague
and desperately hungry for substance it annoys even her and she
doesn't have to pay for these books. She meets a dark cloaked figure,
and because she has the mental capacity of burnt toast, doesn't run
away immediately. The bearded figure tells her that she is witnessing
the dawning of evil. The being introduces himself as the Master
and promises to take Dodo from her boring life at her aunt's house
and to a fulfilling life as Dorothea, Empress Of the Cosmos.
Taking her back to his flat the Master tries to trivialise the
fact that all he has in his place is an old futon, some empty
beer cans, and old tv dinner boxes on the floor. Dodo is slightly
suspicious that this man can't do all that he has promised.
Whilst looking around his room she discovers a Dapol Dalek and
her worst fears are realised - this is NOT the renegade time lord
known only as the Master - this is a SAD FANBOY who BELIEVES he
is the Master!
Dodo is tortured and forced to sign countless autographs over
pictures of her screaming and looking goofy.
Finally when she is completed the Master sells all the pictures
on ebay for an amazing mark up, and kills Dodo to make them
even more valuable.
DNA #11
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Title: The Undying
Notes: The big surprise - Dodo is alive and well
Plot: Dodo finds herself mysteriously alive and well in 1966 London.
She wonders at length why it is not 1967 yet as much time has
past since her original adventure. Every day the Aspect becomes
more and more vague and ineffable. Dodo decides to build her
own time machine and explore the cosmos and reality. Walking
down to the local hardware store she discovers that they simply
don't stock parts for use in transcendental time vessels and
is forced to give up that hobby.
Now bored, with nothing to do, and living with an insane alcoholic,
drug abusing, clown molesting aunt, Dodo decides to steal her car
and go on an international crime spree. Sadly, she doesn't have
the courage to carry out this plan. She lounges around in self-pity
and spite for 40 pages before finally deciding to end her own life
by shoving gelatin down her throat and choking and drowning on it.
A very silly way to die.
DNA #12
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Title: Love for Dodo
Notes: The last of the first year of Dodo stories
Cover Art: Dodo sniffing a daffodil as a mushroom cloud blooms in the
backround
Plot: Dodo finds herself mysteriously dead and unwell. She now exists
in a pure astral plane where the universe recognises her as The
Aspect. There in the mist of time and reality Dodo discovers
that the universe so loves her that it has made her immortal.
She can die horribly at the end of every book and yet for some
hidden purpose the universe can not let her die.
At first Dodo feel warmed by the fact that at last she feels
love and comfort.
However she soon discovers that the universe has only made her
immortal so it can kill her in an infinite variety of ways for
a laugh.
She is the immortal clown of the universe forever destined to
die and die again. Dodo screams with annoyance at her horrible
fate.
Is there no love for Dodo?