The Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Doom

Serial B - The Dustbins -

1. The Dry Planet      4. The Clam Bush
2. The Surveyors       5. The Exhibitionist
3. The Scrape          6. The Car Deal
   (Of The Barrel)     7. The Barbecue

Following the dramatic events of the Unruly Child the TARDIS lands
on the planet Fargo, inhabited by the Dulls and the evil Dustbins!
After three minutes of neutronic war the planet had been covered in
radioactive dust. Dust which gave the dustbins life, and good employment,
and that just made the Dulls cough a lot as if anyone cares about them.
After generations of mutation the Dulls have become incredibly suited
to their names, a civilization of chartered accounts, bank managers,
and MPs. The Dustbins, who have given up arms, legs, and most importantly
naughty bits, have become the most sexually frustrated little tin bastards
ever to strike out against the cosmos.  Instead the Dustbins are equipped
with a plunger, an optional dusty mini-vac, and a stick that was designed
to incinerate large bits of dust but can also be used to kill people
in a cheap negative effect.  Of course the people they most like to
misuse their sanitary warfare against are the Dulls, who love to go
on picnic and leave soda cans, candy bar wrappers, empty bags of crisps,
and napkins all about the park without a bloody care in the universe
what poor bastard has to pick it all up.
A Dull, Dale, tells Susan that his people would murder for a lager.
The Dustbins have forced Fargo into being a dry planet as they no longer
wish to clean up all the pub toilets.  Susan, having some booze in the
TARDIS she stole from an off-licence just last week is happy to share
her vast quantities of Guiness, Lemon Hooch, and Strong Bow Cider.
However it turns out the Dulls can not hold their booze at all and several
MPs soon show up in "The Daily Galaxy" in complex and rather distasteful
sexual scandals.  The Dustbins are so angry to find the entire Dull
population drunk off half a can of beer that they kill their leader, Tim.
Meanwhile in something with little or nothing to do with the plot Ian
climbs into a dustbin and starts to make a complete ass of himself playing
around inside of it when we see Barbara climb in as well and then the
camera mysteriously switches to the real action where The Doctor bored
of drunken dull natives coming up to him pissed out of their mind on
fumes offering to do his taxes, dustbins continously vacuuming his
coat and undershirt and not any lower, and annoyed at Ian and Barbara's
own illicit affair decides to just end it all by going to the dodge 'em
cars centre, which powers and allows the dustbins to move about, and
turn the thing off!  As the Doctor pulls a convenient lever we hear
the Dustbins stop and the sound of safety belts unbuckling, oddly.
Wiping his hands clean dramatically The Doctor walks forth into a bad
dissolve to a barbecue in the dull city, which lives up to it's name.
The Doctor tries to explain that the Dustbins were just dodge 'em cars
gone insane but no one believes him as the carnival that gripped this
planet in fear was so long ago forgotten.  Angry, he instructs Susan
to lay down some pipe bombs and blow the hell out of everything.  Again
Susan is disappointed that her two bumbling, and now hastily dressed,
school teachers have survived the destruction of the Dull city.
With over 8 million viewers this story saved Doctor Who's sorry ass.

Book(s)/Other Related -  Doctor Who And The Dustbins,
                         Exterminate Fanzine Issues 1 - 168,
                         Wine & Spirits Monthly,
                         Plumbing Magazine - The Plungers of
                         the Cosmos Special Edition

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         "Oh my indeed a setisolidified..a solid..a sol..OHH MY
          damn this lizard is stiff!"

         "I say go into the TARDIS drug compartment and get my
          radition gloves will you dear, hmm??"

Fashion Victims - The Doctor's groovy x-ray specs from his comic book
                  coupon order are sad to say the least, and they don't
                  even work which is worse.

Goofs - The Dustbins' Geiger counter has the words "Dangerous As
        All living Hell" on it.  Why does a Dustbin prison cell
        contain a bean bag chair?  In episode 3 Susan runs in
        place while people hit her in the face with twigs - is
        this a mistake or is she just into that sort of thing?

Dialogue Disasters -

DOCTOR: We musn't piddle about here..the Dustbins will be angry.

DUSTBIN: OI!  I'm not cleaning that up!

SUSAN: Oh Wow!  The entire city is drunk of it's ass!  Party Time!

IAN: (In Dustbin case) "Eh!!  What are you doing coming in here?? OWW!
              's you!  How you doing Barby baby?"

DOCTOR: A dry planet indeed, hmm???

A DULL: Hey, let me introduce myself, my name is John, and I'm into
        accountancy, life insurance, and programmes on ITV.

Dialogue Triumphs -

SUSAN: So these dustbin have made getting pissed illegal?  Cypto-Fascist
       bastards!  Let's kick some serious ass.

DOCTOR: Dodge 'em cars!  Of course!  An entire civilization of Dodge 'Em
        cars let loose to rule civilization since the beginning of time.

SUSAN: Fed with the correct information the TARDIS can be piloted
       anywhere but f*{k all if I know.

And the infamous..

DOCTOR: Has anyone seen my mercury fluid link?
SUSAN: You mean your crack pipe grandfather?
DOCTOR: Please Susan, euphemisms!  Euphemisms!  We're with a couple
        of squares.
(Confused looks of Ian and Barbara)

Rumors -
There are many, many, many rumors about this so we better get through them
all - as everyone knows the title of "The Dustbins" first appeared in
a lavatory wall somewhere in Swindon and has been almost universally
accepted since then.  However a more accurate title used at the time
would be:

"Serial B: The Dead Planet Dustbin Mutants Beyond The Sun".

However this name is too sensible, long, and doesn't help
that there is a Pertwee story by precisely this title.  So it will
definitely be called The Dustbins, unless of course it goes by the
above name at some point or some more confusing name as research
It is also rumored that the Dustbins were created by Terry Nation.
While it IS true Terry Nation wrote the word "dustbin" on the script,
and the entire staff working on Doctor Who at the time were tempted
to throw the script in the dustbin cause they didn't want silly
monsters on the show, especially not maniacal dodge 'em cars, however
they couldn't do their other planned second story "The Masochists of Lycra",
so they got the specially trained BBC design slaves who designed the
dustbins in return for stale bread, water, and a reduced number of daily
beatings.  The classic, and now infamous design of the dustbins was
actually created by some now completely forgotten peasant who was
probably scheduled to be burned along with the original negatives of
the story during the mass BBC junkings.  The original Dustbin story
was rumored to be destroyed however it was saved when purchased by the
strange and mysterious Irvin Berlin for 50p and an issue of Eagle
Comics someone desperately wanted.
There is a rumor that "The Dustbins" never showed in Canada however
this was because the show was renamed "The Wheelie Bins" for Canadian
There is also the well known rumor, and in some cases blind belief,
that the Dustbins represents the best Hartnell story, which is total
nonsense.   This rumor largely comes from the fact that this story
got 8 million dollars, made "Dustbins" a household word, and most
importantly saved Doctor Who's sorry ass..this is true.