The Hedge of Destruction
An alternate Programme Guide by
Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Love
Serial C - The Hedge Of Destruction -
1. The Hedge of Destruction
2. The Rat Fink of Plaster
In a drunken attempts to screw with the lives of her grandfather
and school teachers even more, Susan pilots the TARDIS inbetween
shots of tequila. Susan plans to return her school teachers to
1963 London or just kick them out into deep space when they least
expect it, whatever comes first. After trying a wacky new combination
on the TARDIS control console there is a violent explosion, the
TARDIS blacks out, and a mysterious and evil hedge appears.
Susan and Barbara and convinced the hedge represents the evil
of the universe, evil since the beginning of time that has taken
physical form and now plots to kill them by twisting their bodies
and minds for it's own sadisitic pleasure, but Ian points out that
it's just a hedge. The Doctor wanders into the scene coughing from
a room pouring smoke copiously into the console room, at first they
are concerned that the Doctor has been trapped in a fire however
he urges them not the enter the room as he has lots of bongs in
there he doesn't want anyone to know about. The Doctor then accuses
the two school teachers of sabotaging the TARDIS console even though
between the two of them they don't have the technical knowledge to
sabotage the TARDIS toaster. Annoyed Ian and Barbara decide to
blackmail the Doctor into submission as they have more than enough
evidence of drug abuse and several pictures of him and a young dull
maiden, and several pictures of him and a young caveman maiden, and
even a few of him and a young London maiden who works under the name
"Wet 'n Naughty". Finally Susan begins to respect Ian and Barbara,
even if just a little bit. However before all of this starts to make
sense the TARDIS telepathic circuits kick in and drive them insane
without an explanation - Susan sits in the corner and praises Charles
Manson, Barbara talks about how she just wants to be a safe happy little
girl, Ian starts strangling people randomly, and the Doctor thinks
he is a sedan chair and urges people to sit on him. The TARDIS has
resorted to this emergency backup system somewhat because Susan had
pushed the "Fast Foward" button sending them to the end of the universe
but mostly cause it's a laugh. After Barbara mumbles something, everyone
agrees, and the story ends.
This is the only story which takes place entirely in the TARDIS with
no other cast than the regular actors and a hedge.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Hedge of Destruction
Dr. Wacky's Big Book O' Medicinal Herbs
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
"We'll be turned to molecules by lunchtime if I don't..mm..
I say, lunchtime."
Hartnell also confuses everyone and ruins various scenes by
repeating the line "I'd like to put that down my trousers"
about thirty-eight times, however this line was never scripted.
Hartnell also omits any explantion for the melted plaster
sculpture of Rat Fink, which is well enough anyway cause it
had no business being there in the first place.
Fashion Victims - Much to the annoyance of several sad pathetic fans
both Barbara and Susan wear clothes in this story.
Goofs - The "Fast Forward" notation on the TARDIS console appears to
have been scribbled in hastily in crayon, also seen scribbled
on the console - "Susan waz here 1963", "Kilroy was here",
"Dustbins Rule!" and several of the actor's more difficult lines.
Dialogue Disasters -
DOCTOR: Oi! Who's been screwing with my TARDIS?
BARBARA: Of course! Drug induced nightmare fantasies have been taken
from us and now they have been given back at half price, it makes
so much sense!
DOCTOR: My dear Susan even though you are from a highly advanced
civilization and know hyperdimensional science and temporal
engineering come here so I can explain the inner workings
of this flashlight while you stand about looking amazed and
and the sadly bad:
SUSAN: Grandfather! Look! On the screen! That's where we went four or
five trips ago!
DOCTOR: Hmm, oh yes the planet Quiness in the 4th Universe...can't go
back there again no, I should say not, well not without a good
lawyer, a 10 pound block of cheese, and some lime flavored gelatin.
Dialogue Triumphs -
SUSAN: Ian, could you hand me that pair of scissors?
DOCTOR: Blackmail! In my TARDIS?! How dare you come in here and threathen
me with those disgusting tasteless flithy pictures of--ohh I quite
like that one! Can I have a glossy print?
IAN: Right Doctor, this may look like an ordinary hedge but that's only
because it IS one you silly old wanker.
SUSAN: I can't believe this, you two break in here, endanger everyone's
life, blackmail my grandfather and sit around laughing about it,
if you keep this up I might start to like you.
There are some rumors for this story that should be addressed.
First the title "The Hedge of Destruction" is under criticism as
many people would like it to be "Inside The Thing" or "Beyond Fast Forward"
however in both these cases, no matter how well supported by the
documented evidence, is just damned annoying as Hedge is a much nicer
title and gives credit to the first starring role of a hedge in Doctor Who.
There is also the understandable rumor that this episode was actually
rehearsed. While rehearsing a script, or even vaguely looking at it
beforehand is common procedure in television production this case was
an exception as there was no script. Basically as far as anyone can
figure the actors were told to stop by the set, randomly one night,
and goof around for 50 minutes and they had no idea this would actually
The Spanish dub of this story has long been rumored to have been titled
"Doctor Mysterio: El Loco Hedge-o-Rama" however no evidence to support
this claim exists.