Michael Palin

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial D - Michael Palin -

1. The Shed of World     5. Riders of The Storm
2. Not Being Seen        6. Mighty Parrot Sketch
3. Five Hundred Pounds   7. Arthur The King
4. No. 17, The Larch

The TARDIS lands in 1989 on the plateau of Pamir, which is a very cold
mountain top, the Doctor is particularly annoyed as he set the TARDIS
to find the closest place to get "snow" of a different nature.  Bumbling
about the plateau drunk, disoriented, and in bad go-go boots Ian discovers
he has hastily dressed in Susan's clothes on accident instead of Barbara's
clothes which he prefers to wear in sub-freezing conditions.  After a
few moments they meet up with the famous Michael Palin, on a around the
world documentary tour.
Michael Palin is confused how they could have dragged an old vintage police
box onto the plateau but he thinks it would make an excellent prop in an
upcoming Monty Python anniversary special.  Michael Palin and his camera
crew abduct the Doctor, Susan, Ian, Barbara, and makes them listen to
countless renditions of "I'm a lumberjack" as they meet up with the
infamous Terry Jones.  Trekking through the wastelands of China, only
occasionally stopping to perform cabaret and pantomine to parts of the
world so distant and isolated from civilization that they've never seen
the Parrot Sketch.  Ian is forced, in his current attire, to play the
pepperpot roles and ocassionally dress as a hedgehog much to the delight
of the locals.
Michael Palin wishes to appease the Holy Emperor of Comedy at his luxurious
palace beyond the pillars of hercules.  Terry Jones tries, and fails, to
kill the cast repeatly along the journey as a laugh.  Through many tests
and trials, including the Doctor sneaking into the TARDIS to drink lots of
Brandy to cope with the extreme cold he experiences while he stars in the
new experimental "Bikini Sketch", they finally arrive at their final
destination.  At first the palace seems humble, and understated, the
sign in front proudly reads "Farty Owls", they push forth into the
palace where they meet his Holy Emperor of Comedy John Cleese, who
after several blows to his head in a bizarre mallet mishap, now believes
himself to be Basil Faulty.  The Doctor and John Cleese strike up an
interesting but sadly brief chemistry when after all these journeys Basil's
wife refuses to let them keep a ratty old police box in the hotel.
The Doctor, Susan, Barbara and Ian are booted out in the cold night
where angered Susan lays the obligatory bombs and blows up the entire
complex wiping most the Monty Python cast off the face of the planet.
Eric Idle plays a violin sadly as the Faulty Towers burns and the
Doctor and companions set off for their next destination.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & Michael Palin
                        Monty Python's Quest For SOMEONE SOMEWHERE
                        Who Doesn't Know the Parrot Sketch Volume 16
                        Historical Inaccuracies In Parodies, A Study Of

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         "I say, young man, this bikini doesn't make me look..ohh
          dear, a bikini, my dear boy"

         "I say if you are the Holly..Hol...if you're some great
          comedy chap, why do you have that silly walk?"

         "I say if I were to drink this I would...well I don't know
          what I'd do but...I say are you going to drink that?"

         William Hartnell laughs in a hysterical fit for a full minute
         in episode one well before the sketch starts, however this
         could be due to seeing Ian in the wrong clothes.

Fashion Victims - A bikini clad William Hartnell makes us all fashion

Goofs - Michael Palin says "It's only pinning" instead of "It's just
        much the the annoyance of those fans who had tattooed the correct
        script on their bodies to more easily follow along.
        In episode 7 Graham Chapman refers to Wogan as "funny"

Dialogue Disasters -

Episode 1:
PALIN: I'm a lumberjack.
IAN: And you're okay.

Episode 6:
DOCTOR: My dear fellow, I say this parrot is stone dead, hmm?

DOCTOR: So my lad, this is it?  The bikini is on, the time is now,
        hello showbiz.

Dialogue Triumphs -

SUSAN: I've been through time and space, one day I'll know all the
       mysteries of the universe and then grandfather will stop
       getting drunk and dressing like Carmen Miranda.

IAN: Does this make me look fat?

The entirely bizarre incomprehensible destructive scene starting with -
BARBARA: Mr. Gumby?  I've always been a big fan!

Episode 7:
American Tourist: Sorry I'm late, I couldn't find the highway and got
                  stuck on some small back road called M5.

Episode 7:
SUSAN: Blow it up again Grandfather?
DOCTOR: Please do.

Rumors & Facts -
This is one of the key stories in Doctor Who history, and as such has much
to be examined.   Firstly, in heights of arrogance only later to be
matched by Douglas Adams, the writers of this adventure set out to write
a historical that took place in the future, they commented
"Anyone can write a historical that takes place in the past, but to write
one that takes place in the future takes genius".   Now while the writers
did get a surprizing amount of material correct they were completely off
base with depicting a world ravaged by the post-cyber wars of 1986, and
by depicting, somewhat in hopeless ignorance, any part of the world that
had not grown tired of the parrot sketch by 1989.
It was long held that Graham Chapman played the confused American Tourist
in episode 7 however as research shows he was merely credited as American
Tourist, and it is only coincidence that all American tourist seem confused
in England.
It was also rumored that William Hartnell already wanted to leave as
it was hurting his swinging life style and Eric Idle was to take on the
role, this is the start of the Eric Idle Doctor rumor, and it has never
happened, so forget it already.
This show sadly no longer exists in the BBC archives, soon after it was
aired on Television John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam,
and Michael Palin formed the 'United Pyromaniacs Against Television'
however UPAT was too subtle for their tastes so they formed 'Bastards
United Regionally, Nationally and Internationally Together" or 'BURN IT'.
This group would then go on to burn and destroy as many shows as humanely
possible.  The large organized malevolent masterminds of tv cultural
destruction chose this story for a laugh.  It was to set the standards
by which Doctor Who stories would be arbitrarily burned over weekend long
barbecue parties at John Cleese's house over the next decade.
Some people claimed to have seen this story at a fan meeting in Vancouver in
1978, all evidence shows that these people are lying bastards