The Pleas of Fairness

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide

Serial E - The Pleas Of Fairness -

1. The Sea of Wet         4. The Blows of Terror
2. The Velvet Wet         5. Paragraph of Doom
3. The Screaming Bungle   6. The Pleas of Fairness

The travellers land on a small island on the planet Myass, where the
sand is sandy and the sea is wet.  Ian and Barbara are annoyed at
the Doctor's promise for a truly exotic alien world and are sure
they've just landed in Cromer. They soon realise they are on an alien
world when the TARDIS is captured by Arbitrary, Keeper of the Kinky
Machines of Myass.  Abritrary is the last representative of a group
of dirty old men who tried to build naughty machines with 13 different
speeds in 13 different combinations.  The machine has a strange appearance
and the Doctor instantly covers young Susan's eyes, not so suprisingly Ian
and Barbara take an immediate interest in the device.  As it turns out
the machine needs an vast quantity of viagra, speed, and LSD to function
correctly.  The Doctor lies and states he does not have these in his
TARDIS even though he was using all three of those together before
landing.  Arbitrary tells them if they want their TARDIS back they must
gather the elements the machine needs as he's too much of a lazy wanker
to do it himself.   He all too happily supplies the services of his own
daughter, Sabbathica, and her pal Atlas, who has quite a weight on his
shoulders, for their quest.  Uselessly Arbitrary gives them some groovy
designer watches to take with them as they voyage out into Myass.
They first arrive at Mighty Morphmoron a futuristic city ruled by
short men with a serious baldness problem.  As it turns out the short
bald men are serious wankers into badly written erotic mind control
stories stored in their own megacomputer.  The cast of regulars easily
escapes from the Morphmorons when they are "occupied with official duties".
They then find themselves in a seemingly typical suburban home with
a man named Darren Stevens and his charming, if somewhat mysterious, wife
Samantha.  Susan sees a house plant and screams for 5 minutes straight.
No one can figure out why and so they leave quickly to avoid further
embarrasment.  They then somehow end up in some strange Australia-like
place: a desert wasteland which dangers include professional boxing
an unscrupulous used motorcar salesman named Bruce, and a group of confused
Aborigines desperately waiting for ABBA to come to town on their world
tour.  Even though this segment of the show has the now classic Ian
getting beaten bloody hell senseless by a drunken Fosters' loving Kangaroo
scene it does little if anything to advance the as of yet nearly
plot.  The adventure shifts to the futuristic down "Millenium" which is
experiencing an annoying computer crash epidemic.  Even though the locals
are advanced and sophisticated they occasionally like to find dumb looking
tourists and charge them for bizarre crimes so they can have a jolly good
laugh as he tries to explain his way out of the situation on national
television.  Ian is accused of a series of crimes including 'Kangaroo Boxing
With Out a License", "Looking Goofy In The High Palace of Millenium" and
"Wearing women's clothing in a tasteless manner including go-go boots".
The Millenium Council only truly cares about this last charge for matters
of taste.  Surprizingly the story then moves to irate BBC viewers rushing
into the studio and destroying everything in sight, the story ends
abruptly with someone stomping on Hartnell's toes and someone  spray
"Down With The Torries, Fight For Socialism!" on the camera.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Pleas For Fairness by Phil My Hinchcliff
                        Disasters In TV History, Special Edition: Doctor Who
                        the Early Years

Roots - The stuff that plants grow from

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         Susan asks the Doctor if he could put his crack pipe down for
         a second to which Hartnell replies: "Yes I don't think I don't
         see why not, there's no cops about."  When asked if the sea
         might be wet he replies "What the hell?? It's a sea damn you,
         of course its wet, it can't be dry at this temperature, besides
         it's too wet."  Soon later he says to Ian "And if you weren't
         wearing Susan's shoes my boy you could have lent her hers here..
         In the following episodes Jacqeline Hill says Ian is suffering
         from "a sick form of sick sickness".  Hartnell also says
         "I can't improve at this moment. I can't prove...oh bugger!"

Fashion Victims -  Ian's dark floppy beret, day-glo go-go boots, and
                   super-mini mini-skirt strike the sense of horror
                   and hilarity simultaneously.

Goofs -  The Kangaroo that Ian boxes is a cardboard cut out.

         Even though Barbara has just met Bruce without any
         foreshadowing and completely out of the blue somehow
         Bruce has a special room out back of the used car
         lot that Barbara decorated herself and where her drunken
         Irish uncle comes in screaming in the middle of the night
         while Barbara and Bruce are trying to have kinky sex.
         This may not be a goof but just some character exhibitionism
         during which we learn that Barbara is indeed a fast operator.

         Why in the HELL is Ian so willing to barter his fancy designer
         watch for an Austin 1100?

Dialogue Disasters -

IAN: It's Barbara's designer watch! DON'T want to know what's
     on it!

SUSAN: Oh an Austin!  My dream vehicle!  It's so easy to steal!

BARBARA: I know you sell used cars..but how do you feel about used
         hearts, you wonderful scam artist lager guzzling funny talking

DOCTOR: Oh haven't I mentioned it before?  I've met Pyrrho the founder
        of scepticism, he had some good arguments but I wasn't entirely
        convinced..hmm m'boy?

BRUCE: Oh the Austin 1100 is performance motorcar, those other dealers
       are stocked to the gills with Jaguars, Mercedes, Porsches, and
       haven't a clue with what to do with them!

Dialogue Triumphs -

SUSAN: If I don't blow something up I'm going to blow up myself!

IAN: So you say this kangaroo can box huh?  I'll show 'em who's boss.

ABORIGINE: (after hearing ABBA won't be touring near him) "I feel like
           I win when I lose."

Doctor: I don't believe man was made to be controlled by machines.
        Machines can simulate sex pretty good but they can't be
        truly kinky, only human beings can do that.

Rumors & Facts -
This is one of the more bizarre side trips in early Doctor Who history.
The number of episodes had been increased from 13 to 51 for the first
season, desperately out of ideas they turned to the creator of the
Daleks to create a new villian, the Boord.  The Boord were to strike
horror and fear in a long story of super epic length that would take
the rest of the entire first season.   This adventure featuring the
Boord would be 22 episodes in length and everyone would come to know
this vile alien menace as equal to the Daleks who already proved wildly
popular.  There were several mistakes surrounding this entire venture
however - first the 22 episode length was completely loopy, secondly
the budget wouldn't allow for really complex impressive looking monsters
to be seen everyweek for 22 weeks, the budget indeed wouldn't allow for
incredibly crap monsters everyweek for everyweek, indeed they were stretched
to have one impressive monster for one week, so they got the closest to
actual monsters that they could - LEATHER FREAKS.    An audition was held
for the most surreally kinky leather/lycra bondage freaks possible.
The winners of the competition, a group of strange German mimes/interpretive
dancers calling themselves "Dur Leather Explosion", were odd and demanded
no dialogue be written for the Boords.  As no one wanted German speaking
aliens this was quickly agreed and thus the Boords came to be known as
one of the most boring television enemies in history.
Even with the budget cuts on the monsters things started to get tight
financially.  The production team had plans to hire a boxing kangaroo
named Pogo.  Pogo was a well known professional boxer and his appearance
on the show would be the most significant to date had it actually worked
out.  Unfortunately not only could the BBC not afford Pogo anymore but
Pogo was caught dealing drugs in Soho and was slandered by the national
press -
"Well me and the boys realized that there was something suspicious about a
kangaroo spending that much time in Soho, so we ran some checks, looked into
the situation, then figured cause he was a foreigner we could just drag him
in and beat a confession out of him anyway, he put up a good fight though."
- Detective Inspector John Riley

When Pogo's services were no longer available stock footage was sought
the idea of Ian fighting stock footage was seen as just not realistic enough
so they had a giant card board cut out made.  This lead to one of the most
embarrasing scenes in Doctor Who history - namely Ian Chesterton being
beaten senseless by an obviously cardboard kangaroo.
With the lack of a budget and a story line rambling on forever going no
the British public started screaming the now famous "Pleas of Fairness".
They demanded that they did not pay for their television licenses to
watch such a horribly bizarre production fall apart more and more week by
week and so after 6 weeks of production a group of people's national
terrorists rushed the studio and destroyed everything they possibly
could.  The last 16 episodes, and a majority of the story, were lost
in the raid.  It was later explained that the first 8 episodes were just
exposition.  The REAL story picked up in episode 9 and from there
became a brilliantly scripted masterpiece of science fiction, but no one
seriously believes this.