The Lab Techs
An alternate Programme Guide by
Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Sexual
Serial F - The Lab Techs -
1. The Temple of Algol 3. The Brides of Science
2. The Warriors of COBOL 4. The Way Of Dorkness
The TARDIS lands in 1982 inside the Tomb of Eniac, a one-time super
computer much like UniVac. When the Doctor and companions leave the
tomb it locks behind them leaving them stranded in a strange sterile
white and green 'X' shaped building, the home of the Lab Techs. They
meet Arvin, High Programmer of Logic and Ted, the drunken computer
programmer who sits around playing Pac-Man, Asteroids, Space Invaders,
and bad text adventure games all day. Arvin thinks that Barbara is
the most babelicious woman he's ever seen and tries to come onto her
by asking if she wants to see his hardware. Upon close inspection of
Barbara's clothing Arvin notices she's still wearing the designer watch
from Myass which has a giant Atari Logo on it, needless to say he is now
hopelessly in love. Ian, still wearing day-glo go-go boots, a black beret,
and now a groovy red mini-skirt with swirly psychedelic designs thinks that
Arvin looks like a total geek and decides to use his complex ninja moves on
Arvin to get him away from Barbara. Even though Ian has no secret ninja
moves, and the only martial arts flick he ever saw was a wildly inaccurate
western in the 50s called "Cowboy Ninja: Revenge on The Wild Frontier"
he is easily able to knock out Arvin with his powerful, and somewhat
embarrasing, super high kick o' death. Ted is so impressed by Ian's
skills he makes him one of the Warriors of COBOL, a secret organization
of mystical origin who's members spend most of their time drinking beer and
playing Centipede on a C64. However all is not well, Ted wishes to
marry Susan because, like most of the Lab Techs he's a complete virgin
and is so unlikely to ever get any his nickname is "The Perfect Virgin".
Susan refuses to marry Ted The Perfect Virgin causing intrigue and
social conflict which her grandfather and most everyone else ignores.
The Doctor is too busy trying to get into bed with the beautiful and
intelligent systems analyst Carmelita. The Doctor insists that this
merely a ploy to get back inside the Tomb of Eniac and retrieve the
TARDIS however in several scenes it becomes PAINFULLY obvious he just
wants to get into her pants. Meanwhile Ian and Ted are trying to
hack into the Pentagon so they can play Thermonuclear War with an
advanced war room computer system that can learn from it's past mistakes.
Barbara annoys the hell out of everyone trying to talk them into actually
doing proper lab technician work instead of cracking into secure government
computers, playing Donkey Kong, and most of all trying to turn the
entire lab into an orgy of the damned as Ted constantly tries to get
Susan to give herself away, the Doctor uses his sly dirty old man
tactics on Carmelita, Ian plays strip poker on an XT 8086, and the
now recovered Arvin tries to convince her that they are 'compatible'.
Eventually Ted gives up on Susan when she fails to fall for his entire
list of classic chat up lines, Ian keeps getting useless hands, and
most importantly the Doctor realizes he's not going to get anywhere
so it's best if they leave now before his ego is dented too badly.
Arvin pathetically grabs Barbara's legs in desperation as she sets
down some of Susan's handy explosives and blows up the door leading
to the Temple of Eniac. After the massive explosion the Doctor follows
them all back to the TARDIS screaming about his wonderful sex life, a thing
completely unknown to the Lab Techs.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Lab Techs
How To Beat Arcade Games Everytime
Hello Science, Bye bye Sex Life! The Laboratory
Technicians Complete Life Style Handbook
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
Within seconds of first seeing Carmelita he says:
"Susan my child, how glad I am to...I'll tell you how
glad I am to introduce you to Carmelita when I introduce her"
William Hartnell and William Russell stumble their way through
a scene in episode one, completely forgetting their lines
they just inprovise bad Pac-Man jokes.
Fashion Victims - Even Arvin's pink button-up shirt with pocket protector
seems tame in comparison to the scenes where Ian wears
a bra on his head.
Goofs - The obvious use of doubles in the fight scene between Ian and
Arvin. Carmelita is wearing more clothes than would be comfortable
in the heat of the laboratory..at least according to the Doctor.
In episode 1 on the tv screen the score on Pac-Man is 696969
and this is impossible on the cherry level.
Dialogue Disasters -
ARVIN: Oh sure Barbara, C64, but have you C-een THIS??
SUSAN: No! I won't marry the Perfect Virgin, I WON'T become a Bride
TED: Anyone seen my beer? I think i left it on one of these Playboys..
TED: Hey baby, this machine may run at 4 megahertz but there is NO LIMIT
to how fast I will go.
Dialogue Triumphs -
DOCTOR: (Whilst playing Pac-Man after eating a power pellet) Haha!
And now the hunted becomes the hunter!
The classic science fiction conversation:
ARVIN: How shall a man know his canon?
TED: By the signs of their divinity.
ARVIN: And what if crap walks amoungst the canon?
TED: Then indeed, we are screwed.
The classic scene...
Doctor: No! We mustn't change history! Not one line!
Barbara: But this is the future.
Doctor: Oh in that case blow the hell out of this entire complex for
all I care.
Rumors & Facts -
This is considered one of the best Hartnell stories. It's bizarre mix
of video game culture and sexual cluelessness set it decades ahead of
it's time. It was rumored that the video game element was invisioned
as a possible off shoot of the computer technology which was quickly
advancing and making leaps of progress in the 60s. However it appears
that this episode was actually shot in the future. The technology
would occasionally be used by shows such as Doctor Who, The Clangers,
Moonbase 3, Blakes 7, and The Young Ones until it would finally be
burned by the BBC in a gross lack of foresight, especially when they
could have just gone to the future and tell themselves they were
idiots. It was also rumored that the Lab Technicians used in this
episode were unknown actors who later went on to do small parts in
stage productions. Recent research shows that, in keeping with
the realism of having it shot in the future, they hired real
Lab Techs and dorks whenever possible, many of whom who were Doctor
Who fans from 1982 who would only work on the production if they
got a live video feed of the Doctor Who story "Fun on Doomsday"
which they would otherwise have missed during the filming of the story.
By the time The Lab Techs aired in 1964 it was felt that Susan constantly
blowing up things had grown somewhat tired and for a change they allowed
Barbara to blow up something. It seemed to have no real influence however
and discussions began in the backround with the producers of the series
about having Susan herself blow up as soon as possible.
This episode had many rumored titles including:
Dork Cutaway, The Dorkness Factor, Lab Techs In Cyberhell,
and Doctor Who The Randy Old Bastard Who Hits On Young System Analysts,
however the more simple name The Lab Techs was decided on by someone
at some point which we have no research on at all but what the hell.