The Serves You Right
An alternate Programme Guide by
Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Revenge
Special Thanks To Finn Clark, for thematic similarities
Serial G - The Serves You Right -
1. Swingers In Space 4. A Desperado Adventure
2. The Unwilling Wanker 5. A Crawl Against Life
3. Exposed Safety 6. Cat Nap
The TARDIS lands on a tiny spaceship from 28th Century Earth. It's
Captain, Hollister, explains they are at war with a race of pushy
aliens who call themselves the "Serves You Right", apparently a
villian race of aliens who feel anyone who messes with them gets
what they deserve. The "Serves You Right" are all physically
identical and deceptively appear as men in bad alien costumes with
shotty make-up. Through some telepathic jive with Susan the
"Serves You Right" invite them down for talks, fun, and poisoned
water on their planet mysteriously named Drive-Thru. They explain
they were long ago contacted by an Earth spaceship from a powerful
corporation who wanted to continue their long term cultural conquest
on a galactic level. The "Serves You Right" were scared of being
exploited by the corporation that claimed to have served 850 Trillion
happy customers with quality food for a low price, and at first
the "Serves You Right" aliens believed the claims of good wages
for a good job as offered by McDonald's. So culturally destroyed
were the aliens by their presence that the name of the civilization was
lost and replaced with McDonald's new snappy slogan, "Serves You Right".
The "Serves You Right" fear Humans because they many of them have
died from eating the food that they make for passing spacefarers.
The Doctor discovers a deadly variant of MSG in the cheeseburgers
and tracks down the vile corporate managers to their posh privately
owned planet, ruled by the evil Dictator "Mayor McCheese".
The Doctor exposes Mayor McCheese to the intergalactic war crimes
tribunal and an 800 year long court case ensues, the longest court
case in galactic history. McDonald's is found guilty on the charges
of cruelity to animals, cruelity to aliens, cruelity to humans,
violations of the Geneva Convention Restrictions on Bio-Chemical
Warfare, violation of intergalactic minimum wage, and unauthorised use
of a horse. McDonald's is fined 35 Billion Pounds for these and other
offenses, however they public announce the ruling as a "moral victory".
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Serves You Right
Intergalactic Culture And You, or "How To Avoid
The Rantings and Manifesto of Mayor McCheese
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
The Doctor on 2 for 1 deals "So! I see! I pay for 2 and I
get 1!" Note: This may be subtle commentary on McDonald's prices
"I rather fancy that's order for that paid!"
"Chee...Chu..The yellow stuff on top, it's not melty"
"Isn't it better to orderly hopefully than to....eat??"
Fashion Victims - Rather charmingly The Serves You Right wear little
Goofs - In episode three when the Doctor ponders "or should i get the
Big Mac?" a grease fire starts in the backround. The actor
playing Hollister is obvious drunk BEFORE he orders the McBeer
and you can't possibly get drunk off McBeer anyway. Also in
episode three the Serve You Right stand on each other's feet
when they prepare food due to cramped working conditions and
can only recognise each other by their tacky paper hats [The
Manager doesn't know the assistant Manager by sigh] this leads
to annoying conversation problems as the aliens are always
picking up weird conversations with the wrong people.
According to the Doctor, the paper hat they find in episode six
says "Employee of the Month" but it actually says "Loser In A
Dead End Job".
Dialogue Disasters -
The Leader (Manager) talking about working for McDonald's:
LEADER: It is useless to resist.
The horrid first meeting of the Doctor and the "Serve you Right" leader:
DOCTOR: All we wish is peace and understanding.
LEADER: Would you like fries with that?
There's a great moment when the Leader (Manager) turns to the camera,
having been informed that McDonald's food is utter crap "I have never
thought of that!"
Dialogue Triumphs -
IAN: Hey, does this water taste funny you guys?
SUSAN: (In Terror) NO!! I won't fill out a work application here
Grandfather! I WON'T! I WON'T!!
DOCTOR: And now we see the horrors of fast food chains, spreading,
destroying cultures, this should teach us all a grave lesson..
let's go to Pizza Hut.
MAYOR McCHEESE: 800 Years of Persecution by the galactic governments
and never ONCE did they get ONE horse to testify AGAINST
Rumors & Facts -
When this story first aired a certain fast food chain, that shall
remain nameless for legal reasons, was somewhat upset. It was rumored
that they had their godless capitalistic terrorist goons beat up the
author in a pub called the White Horse on Marston Road in Oxford England
on 24th August 1964 at approximately 8:47pm by the pool table with
a No. 12 pool cuestick causing serious abdominal bruising, however we
can not possibly comment on such vague rumors as we don't have the
precise details and don't wish to provoke the unnamed fast food chain
into legal action no matter how guilty we know they are.