Plan It You Spy Ants!
An alternate Programme Guide by
Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Thorax
Serial J - Plan It You Spy Ants! -
1. Plan It You Spy Ants!
2. Trek Across The Porch
Susan decides to take another shot at returning her school teachers
to England 1963, sure the last time she ended up piloting them to
the end the universe and almost killed everyone but she was drunk
and had no clue what she was doing, so after taking a few drags off
a joint to clear head up she sets out operating the console. At
first everything seems to be going great, she only accidently
triggers the smoke detectors and automatic sprinklers once.
In some momentary confusion however she opens the TARDIS doors
in mid-flight which is sort of like opening a microwave in the
middle of a 20 minute HIGH setting. Susan continues to plot the
TARDIS and finally lands on the planet earth and all seems great
so she brags at length in an incredibly annoying way about she's
much better piloting the TARDIS than her grandfather.
Setting out to discover where they are, they find themselves and the
TARDIS covered in a strange sickly sweet smelling mist. After
a moment the mist clears and much to their surprise they are surrounded
by giant ants with Liverpudlian accents. The giant ants tell them
that they are heading to a far distant land known only as
"56 Bexleyheath Road, Banbury BA4 7HS". They are a group of highly
paid international spies in amazingly clever disguises who wish to
discover what developments are being made by a certain team of
Rastafarian Botanists who have started their own genetic research
lab "Cheech & Chong's Happy Fun Time Herbs Inc.".
The trek across the front lawn is a disaster and many of the ants
die in a flash flood caused by light rain fall. They soon realise
that somehow they are an inch tall! When they finally arrive
at the porch they arrive just in time to see a man murdered and
Hector, the fire ant and leader of the squad, killed senselessly
by a tabby cat.
Pressing forward into the lab the Doctor and companions discover
that they are developing a new breed of plant which will increase
yields of the wacky tabacky to such levels that they will be free
to all the hippies, stoners, and freaks all over the world. For
some reason the Doctor is against this advancement in horticulture
and insists to his companions that he will set out to stop the
experiments if they will leave him alone for a few hours and explore
this deadly place individually. It isn't long before the Doctor
is met by Barbara again. Much to the Doctor's dismay Barbara has
handled some LSD laced cannabis seeds, however much to his delight
it causes her to get very hot, remove several items of clothing and
mistake him for Ian in a rather shocking scene involving a Bunson Burner,
a test tube and The Special Space Babes issue of Playbeing magazine.
Meanwhile Susan discovers a roach clip the size of a Volkswagen bus
and is the first one smart enough to figure out what everyone at home
knew from the second they left they TARDIS - The DRUGS are causing
their smallness. Susan suffers several flashbacks from Steve Martin's
"Everyone Must Get Small" song.
Rushing to find her grandfather she is surprised and somewhat disgusted
to find him giggling as he smokes an enourmous pipe near Barbara's
unconscious body. The Doctor is not shocked to discover Susan appears
to be 10 foot tall, such things are expected. The cannabis shrinks you
with each dose and by now The Doctor and Barbara look like singing twins
in a Mothra movie.
Susan, confident that something must be done, screams for no reason
other than to provide a cliffhanger where none was written in. In the
next episode Susan tries to get the Doctor to help her but he
has already eaten a jaffa cake five times his size and curled up for a
nap. Setting out with Ian instead they decide they must put an end
to the new crop before it is too late. However displaying their usual
keen intellect they decide the best way to dispose of the cannabis is
to burn down the building. In doing so they release enough fumes to
give England the contact high of it's life. The Doctor can not be coaxed
to leave the burning building until after he conceals one giant seed under
his jacket for "personal experiments".
In the tradition of the strong binding discontinuity of the series,
the effects of the smoke released on the inhabitants of the earth was
never explored or even mentioned ever again.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Spy Ants
Botany In the 21st Century: Unethical Fun With
Johnny Spy Ant And The Sugar Cube Caper
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
"I say my dear Barbarella..ahhh Barbara..let me help you
out of that thing.."
"So, we've be miniatru...minaturer...so, we're damn small are we?"
"I'm sorry I'm most confused, quite, I think so."
Fashion Victims - Susan goes back to wearing her groovy white headband
while piloting the TARDIS, last seen in the Lab Techs.
Goofs - When Susan is suppose to have hit the door switch to open
the doors she actually hits the same switch which up to
this point in the series has made the disco ball retract
from the roof.
Dialogue Disasters -
DOCTOR: Ants in my pants! I should say so!
SUSAN: Everyone must get small! NO!!! WHY! Ahhh, King Tut, he's
an Egyptian, funky Tut...
IAN: My GOD! SOYLENT WEED IS MADE OF PEOPLE!!
Dialogue Triumphs -
DOCTOR: Don't you see the implications, hmmm?? Why there won't be a
world leader, progressive folk duo, or gang of misled Nazi girl
scouts in the world who can resist the powers of this SUPER
Weed you've created!
IAN: But Doctor, you said we had to fight this evil!
DOCTOR: All in good time! Now hand me that tube and that magazine will
IAN: You can get us back to normal size can't you?
DOCTOR: My dear boy from what I've heard you never measured up to
normal size..OHH!! I see! I see! Yes, of course I can..
CHONG: Do you know why I'm a success man? Cause I've never allowed
the word "can't" to exist, okay?
CHEECH: Wow man! I didn't know you're vocabulary was that small, Essay!
BARBARA: Wait, I've just thought of something..isn't thia a horrible
rip-off of Land of the Giants?
IAN: No, that won't be on TV for 4 years!
Untelevised Adventures -
Susan and the Doctor were present during a Led Zepplin concert in
Rumors & Facts -
Since the very beginning of the show the creators were determined to
have a story with the Doctor and companions super small. The writer
of "Plan It You Spy Ants!" was Lenin Marx a dedicated communist
who took elements of the original plans for such a story and added
in subtle hints that capitalism makes everyone a small victim to
huge corporate interest. The most important element Lenin Marx
brought however was the cannabis being the trigger which he got
off Steve Martin's "Everyone Must Get Small".
However there were several rumors that somewhat muddled the entire
idea behind this story. First was the rumor that Lenin Marx was a
crazed Mussolini-impersonating mime bent on world conquest. While
no evidence supports this, this lead to the further confusion that
Lenin Marx was the pseudonym of Alexei Sayle. People universally
accepted Alexei Sayle did write this story after a picture of
him appeared in the Daily Mirror dressed in a giant fly fancy dress
costume holding a sign reading "Fidel Castro For Prime Minister!".
It was definitely believed by the time he released his book
"Alexei Sayle is Lenin Marx And I Wrote Plan It You Spy Ants!".
Even ignoring the Alexei Sayle involvement we are still stuck with
facing the second rumor which is this serial that parts of this serial
were edited out for the sole purpose of the advancement of capitalistic
propaganda - and this is precisely true! Plan It You Spy Ants was
originally a 4 parter, but it was so badly written that the last
part of episode 3 was replaced with the last part of part 4 and no
one noticed. The serial ended early so the Dustbins could return.
The original 4 episode cut and/or 4 episode audio is rumored to exist
in a private bank vault owned and guarded by the Dustbins on threat
of death if anyone comes near it. On the bright side no one much