An alternate Programme Guide by
Let me apologise in advance. When you write parodies for a long time you
just learn to let them go wherever they are going to go regardless of
taste or any other consideration....I'm going to seek help before moving
on to Serial M....
Eleventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Taffy
Serial L - The Recast -
1. The Painful Enema
2. Different Measurements
The Doctor lands on the planet Dildo in the year 2469. He finds
a crashed phallic-like rocket strewn about with two survivors;
a perverted man named Gordon Bennett and a young girl, Vicki
(although Gordon jokingly calls her 'Sticki'). Gordon Bennet
tells the Doctor that Vicki is his girl, so no funny business.
It appears that the two are prisoners of a native being named
Cockylickin'. Vicki insists that Cockylickin' is protecting
them from the Dildos, a war-like aggressive alien race who
attacked the rocket in the first place for being larger than them,
this being the first known alien race to suffer "Rocket Envy".
The Doctor is suspicious of Vicki's story that the rest of the
crew were murdered by the Dildos and he finally gets her to admit
there was no "crew" but she was taking the rocket to Tennessee
where it would be legal for her to marry Gordon Bennett, her
older lover/uncle/cousin. The Doctor further presses the mysterious
Cockylickin' to discover it is Vicki in disguise. Vicki confesses
that she killed Gordon Bennett her older lover/uncle/cousin because
she thought he was a pervert but then she masqueraded in his clothes
as well her ridiculous Cockylickin' outfit. The Doctor, realising
that this disturbed young girl has killed her incestuous lover and
husband to be, framed the Dildo people for murders they did not
commit, and wandered about the relics of a phallic-like rocket
space ship pretending to be multiple people in many different
outfits of bad clothes is reminded of his own dear granddaughter and
invites Vicki to join the TARDIS crew.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who's Recast
Schizophrenia In Science Fiction Volume D-E
I'm My Own Grandpa!
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
"I say my old friends the..ahhh...can you say that on
television? Yeah, the umm...my old friends!"
"So what have you done with the Dil..whats the DEAL
with my old friends?"
"I say! You look like a Dildo to me!"
Fashion Victims - The costume of the Dildos is...ahhh..can you
write that in a programme guide?
Goofs - Ian pronounces Cockylickin' as "Koquillion".
The TARDIS has no back to it you can see the sex shoppe
behind it when they open the doors. Barbara's shot
at the rampaging dildo creature is a firework which
drops from the end of her gun.
Dialogue Disasters -
DOCTOR: Gordon Bennet!
BARBARA: AHhh!! A Rampaging Dildo beast!
IAN: Wait! Are you saying we've landed on a planet inhabited by
VICKI: After I killed Gordon I knew I'd have to use the Dildos in
Dialogue Triumphs -
BARBARA: Ohh, Doctor, the trembling has stopped.
DOCTOR: Oh my dear, I'm so glad you're feeling better.....warming up
to Ian, hmm?
BARBARA: No! Not me! The ship!
DOCTOR: I don't want you doing that sort of thing with the ship!
VICKI: Why are you looking at me like that?
BARBARA: Like what?
VICKI: You're sorry for me aren't you? I'm perfectly alright, you know.
I don't care if nobody ever comes. I'm fine. I'm perfectly
all right. Get your eyes off me you creepy old pervert.
DOCTOR: We can travel anywhere and everythin in that old box as you
call it. Regardless of time and space...and if you like
hot rompy sex I can promise you an abundance of it.
Rumors & Facts -
This story pressed television to the limit in 1965. Never before had
such a disturbing, disgusting sexual adventure reached the screen.
It was rumored that Vicki was a nymphomaniac however this is a slight
misunderstanding. Just like Susan was an amazingly destructive explosive
loving fiend it was decided that the new young female companion be
similarly unbalanced but this time towards pleasure and explosions
of a different kind. The other companions would pick up the more
violent roles which explains why Barbara becomes a gun wielding
maniac and blows away Vicki's pet Dildo creature.
For years fans assumed Vicki was from the planet Dido, but this mistake
was finally corrected with the release of "The Doctor - Thirty Years of
Many people think the inhabitants of the planet are named Dildonians
however this is never said on screen probably because William Hartnell
was too embarrassed most the time.
When this story was sold to other countries it sustained many edits.
The version which aired in censorship heavy Australia ran for 98 seconds
and most of that taken up the opening and closing credits of each episode.