The Weird Planet

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Thirteenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial N - The Weird Planet -

1. The Weird Planet       4. Keeper of Needles
2. The Sorbet Invasion    5. Eurasian
3. Scrape My Anger        6. Off Centre

The TARDIS is drawn by an unknown force to the planet Vortis, a planet
of yumminess in the fourth universe.  While Doctor and Ian are busy
doing 'shrooms, a bad hit of acid makes Barbara wander out of the
TARDIS with an unstoppable craving for ice cream.  Eventually she
is captured by sherbet-like creatures, the Sorbet, who at war with
the cherry flavoured Slushies and Slurpies.  She is taken to a slave
camp to mine rock salt and syrup and the Sorbet drag the TARDIS to
their base, 7-11.   The Doctor and Ian walk through a long row of
snack cakes and soda cans and the Doctor confronts Abu,  the frozen
yogurt filled styrofoam cup, who is the mind behind the Sorbet.
An invasion by the Slushies and Slurpies to regain the 7-11 fails
but the Doctor manages to obtain some packets of tomato ketchup,
a 44 oz megaslurp plastic cup, and a Cherry Slurpie dispensing machine.
When the Doctor and Vicki are taken to Abu, Barbara manages to
to use the Cherry Slurpie dispensing machine to destroy and melt Abu.
The Slushes and Slurpies return to 7-11 while the Sorbet revert
to mindless creatures.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Mysterio & El Loco Planetarro
                        Doctor Who & The Sorbet
                        A Galactic Guide and History of 7-11

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         "But I don't want those cheap ass 7-11 hot dogs I-"
         beings Hartnell but Russell's "Take the damn hot dog
         old man" puts him back on track, as does the blantantly
         prompt "I say, aren't you going to say those hot dogs
         are damned delicious?"
         In a later episode Hartnell informs everyone they are
         "many light earths from the nearest Circle K".

Fashion Victims - The poor bastards in the ridiculous Slurpie/Slushie
                  costumes that look like they should be dancing snacks
                  in an old concession stand short singing "Let's all
                  go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, and get
                  ourselves a drink.."

Goofs - John Cleese's decision to play the leader of the Slushies
        with an OUTRAGEOUS FRENCH ACCENT, is amusing.  One of the
        slurpies catches on fire and screams in Portuguese while
        bits of him slush and flow across the ground.  One of the
        imprisoned Slushies, judging by its gestures, is trying to
        bum a cigarette off a Sorbet.  The Sorbet are scared of
        those tiny faggy red straws.  In episode four when Ian
        starts to smoke someone can be heard directly off camera
        having a coughing fit.   Shadows are cast on the cheap
        cardboard backrounds for most of this story.
        Barbara gives Vicki an upper when she asks for a downer.

Dialogue Disasters -

DOCTOR to IAN: Whatever power has taken hold of the TARDIS has taken
               your silly straw!

Doctor Asking Abu to lower his communcation device:
"Drop this deep fryer or whatever it is."

Dialogue Triumphs -

DOCTOR: Apart from rubbing syrup over our bodies and inviting passersby
        to drink us, I doubt if we can get on speaking terms with them.

IAN:  I say, this sure is a weird planet..if I didn't know better,
      I'd swear it was made of cardboard.
DOCTOR: Yes this whole planet looks rather cheap, hmm!  Totally
        substandard..wish I could see more, my vision is horrible
        with all these bright lights and studio cameras about.

Rumors & Facts -
It is commonly believed the bizarre and kinky look of the planet was
created by smearing vaseline on the camera lenses.  However this is
simply not true, it was KY Jelly.
It is often speculated that this weird adventure never occurred at all.
Each member of the crew is clearly seen taking some sort of mind altering
substance before any of the action takes place on the planet Vortis.
Even though this sounds like a great theory at first we have to look
to the fact that a great majority of the stories before this also have
everyone wasted before leaving the TARDIS.   Ultimately the reality of
what really happened on all these adventures will never be sorted out
but until there is damn good evidence we should assume that all stories
did take place in some fashion or other.
The writers of Doctor Who faced many problems with this story in
particular.  It was a dream to have an all non-human cast, apart from
the regulars, and take us to a world where junk food had reached the
top of the evolutionary ladder.  The costumes, the sets, the acting
had all been taken to the limit, and often far beyond it.   Usually
in previous stories it was understood that sometimes the costuming
would be more demanding than the visual effects or vice versa and one
department would cut corners so the other could use the money more
effectively for the story.  In this case however the various departments
went to war, all going over budgets, sabotaging each other whenever a
threat was made to go and insist money be cut from somewhere else and
given to them, death threats flowed freely from department to department
all of whom refused to work with each other.  The costuming department
and make up department were so out of touch that the actors and their
outfits clashed, overlapped, or simply didnt work whatsoever.
During this period most the cast and crew were having family problems
at home, the BBC itself was in a bit of a decline, trade was bad
in the middle east and it was beginning to effect the local economy,
solar flares where at an all time high, and the cosmos was in danger
of certain annihilation.   To this day fans of this serial make several
such claims as the above and some even more outrageous to explain that
this story really IS an enjoyable daring groundbreaking classic that
is only seen as laughably ridiculous because of the jaded, super sfx,
modern viewers' expectations.  These people completely ignore comments
made at the time such as the whole story with the Sorbet is "like a
third-rate kiddies' pantomime" and "silly instead of gripping".
 It is rumored that a young child in a film making contest turned over
his video of this adventure, claiming it was his work, and ranked 3rd place
behind "My Peanut Butter Sandwhich Is My Best Friend" and "Attack of the
Stick Figure Family".