The Cruel Sades
An alternate Programme Guide by
Fourteenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial P - The Cruel Sades -
1. I'm Lying 3. The Wheel Of Fortune (with Vanna White)
2. The Night Of Java 4. The Car Loads
It's 15th century Europe, a time of renaissance in art, literature,
and kinky sex. Strange mysterious sadists have captured an important
nobleman and perform strange rights against him including spanking
and oral sex. The Doctor is able to save him, much to the nobleman's
despair. The King himself plans for a disgusting peace treaty orgy
of the damned by pairing up a Persian King, his own sister, Joanna,
and an iron maiden. Joanna refuses and befriends the Doctor and
Vicki who narrowly escape being burnt at the stake as the main
course in a festive relaxed party with lots of good music, wine,
and a somewhat historically inaccurate use of the barrel of a matchlock
rifle. The Doctor and Vicki stay in hiding after this party as they
have made mortal enemies with the Earl of Lecher.
Meanwhile Ian is given permission to ride Barbara, the King knighting
him Sir Ian of Scunthorpe to fit him for the role. Rescuing Barbara
from the evil clutches of the King, after watching for awhile and
finally getting jealous, Ian and Barbara make for the forest where
the TARDIS landed.
All four meet up at the TARDIS where they cleverly confuse the Earl
of Lecher's men before setting out on their own misadventures in
the safety of the TARDIS.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Cruel Sades
'Sadism & You or Ouch!! Do that Again!'
Marquis De Sade - The Dodo Snuff Chronicles
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
"So you think just because you've lighted me on fire I'm
going to stop my quest to continue my quest to stop you
lighting me on fire, do you?"
"My dear Chatterton, I do assume these people know the
pain of meaning when they say they do!"
"An iron maiden! HHMM! I must get that for my own
timeship, not to mention the TARDIS!"
Fashion Victims - The Doctor in bondage trousers - WHY!!?!?
Goofs - In episode 1 the ropes which are SUPPOSE to be securing
Vicki to the bed of nails are NOT tight, in fact they
are so loose she keeps slipping out of them on accident
and has to put her hands in the loops again and again.
In episode 4 the Doctor wears a leather mask and no one
recognises him due to the brilliance of the disguise,
does this mean checked trousers, edwardian suits, and
stumbling over one lines repeatly was common place in
the 15th century?
Technobabble - The Doctor rambles on about the "Stretchy Principle of
Hyper-Physics" when he describes the rack to Vicki.
Dialogue Disasters -
Ian and the curse of the bad pun "I feel whipped!"
Joanna: I command what I ask of you now, or I will harm you, I am
in a seriously bad mood.
Doctor: Can I help you...er...baby?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Joanna: There is something nice in you, and yet something kinkier
than sex obsessed elephants fornicating in yogurt. I sense
I can dominate you.
Doctor: You bet your arse my dear lady.
Earl of Lecher: I urge you, sir, abandon the pretence of moral decency!
Doctor: Oi? Pretence you idiot? Here is an opportunity to marry off
lots of your men and you do nought but turn it down.
Earl of Lecher: Why are we in this strange land if not to have rompy
Doctor: With everyone I suppose!?
Earl of Lecher: Aye, with EVERYONE!
Doctor: You stupid bastard! Can you think of nothing but screwing, hmm?
Can't you see the bigger picture?! Think about it, if you
marry them off you get all the available rampant tottie for
KING: I am king, I command it!
Joanna: You cannot command this of me!
Joanna: No. I've already said my safety word.
Vicki: Are we going back to the ship?
Doctor: As fast as we can carrying all these pornographic lithographs
and parchments my dear.
Vicki: Doctor, will he really be the greatest sadist in history?
Doctor: I'm afraid not dear. No. After all, you've never seen me angry.
Rumors & Facts -
It is rumored that this story was never sold overseas as it was
felt the content might be considered offensive in other countries.
However it was this offensiveness and blatant bad taste that MADE
it sell so fantastically well! The problem was that station managers
would buy it, preview it, and take it home for their own private
and naughty collection of all the other stuff they'd censored and didn't
want the people of their respective countries to see. So indeed
it's lack of being aired lead to the incorrect conclusion that it
had never been sold.
There is the rumor over the actual details of the story has this
story was quickly seized by a group of insane Libyan nationalists
who had the name "The Cruel Sades" mistranslated for them as
"The Crusades". Indeed the title "The Crusade" which is still
often used stems from this mistranslation.
One of the scenes that is debated is whether or not Ian climbs a
tree to get into the harem to visit Barbara. Research shows that
in the original story the harem was on the ground floor of an apartment
block and that the entire "tree climbing" scene is not literal but
a fairly obvious metaphor added in during the novelization of this story.
People often believe that The Earl of Lecher was a REAL historical figure,
there were countless real people LIKE the Earl of Lecher in history however
the Earl of Lecher himself is a mere amalgamation of various perverted
bastards through history.
It is also rumored that the Libyan nationalists gave up their extremist
terrorist actions soon after capturing the Cruel Sades and now own and
operate a trendy fashion shoppe somewhere in London. Whether they retain
copies of the episodes still is unknown but you can ask them about it if
you find their shoppe, you can't miss it, it has little Western saloon