An alternate Programme Guide by
Sixteenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Cologist
Thanks to Finn Clark the Master Guide O' Cologist for his suggestion of cology
Serial R - The Chaste -
1. The Extra Cute Vacationers 4. Voyage Into The Terrier
2. The Breath of Crime 5. The Breath of Doctor Who
3. Blight Through Infernity 6. The Planet of Diversion
The Doctor has become a real couch potato vegging out in front
of the Transdimensional Sony Trinatron Total Image Screen.
The opening scene shows the Doctor watching Tellytubbies
covered in half eaten bags of crisps, drinking Coca-Cola,
and occassionally snacking on Twiglets. The rest of the
crew comes in and is disgusted by his appearance. They
want to watch "Top of The Pops" so the Doctor reluctantly
adjusts the time factor and the crew groove along to the
music while the Doctor flips through an electronic version
of the Radio Times looking for reruns of Dad's Army.
Barbara and Ian play with the device more and more to
discover they can look in on historical figures as well.
After watching William Shakespeare at Barbara's insistence
and Raquel Welch on Ian's insistence Vicki finally comments
that she was actually really enjoying Top of the Pops as
she didn't know that the Sex Pistols played classical music.
Trying to turn the time factor back Vicki makes a serious
mistake and they get the "Dustbin Invasion TV Network".
The Dustbin Invasion TV Network was set up so evil races throughout
the cosmos could watch and keep scores on the ongoing Dustbin
conquest of space. The Doctor gets out his portable phone and
starts to call his bookie about making a bet on the Dustbins
next military victory. He is surprised to discover that the
Dustbins are trailing the TARDIS and his days are numbered.
The Doctor decides to make a run for it and goes to the planet
Aridius, a planet noted for being Arid surprisingly. On Aridius
the Doctor and companions discover a race of walking fish people
who are being dominated by the Dustbins. The Doctor notes that
fish people wouldn't evolve on a desert planet and the Aridians
die of the stupidity that had thus far been their savior.
The Doctor then realises he's made the Dustbin conquest of Aridius
complete and that he will have a time jump on them because it
will take the Dustbins eons to clean up the bodies and tidy up
all the sand. The Doctor seems to forget that the Dustbins have
a time machine so this buys him all of eight minutes.
Going to his next destination the crew lands inside the Empire
State Building where they meet the Governor of Alabama, one Morton Dill.
Morton Dill is amazed by the TARDIS as it looks precisely like a portable
toilet to him. Morton, eager to relieve himself walks into the
TARDIS door and starts to go about his business. Unfortunately
the Doctor goes a little ballistic upon seeing a hick walk into
and then urinate all over his TARDIS. The Doctor kicks Morton
Dill out of the TARDIS and he stumbles into the Dustbins timeship.
At first the Dustbins plan to clean and exterminate him, but the
cleaning part would take far too long. Instead the Dustbins
decide to clear his mind and give him a new identity. The Dustbins
plan to use Morton Dill in the ultimate destruction of the Doctor.
Meanwhile the TARDIS crew find themselves aboard the Mary Celeste.
The Doctor, Ian, Barbara and Vicki sit down in the ship's cargo hold
drinking up barrels full of wine and even eating hard tack and other
provisions. The Dustbins quickly follow and the crew of the Mary
Celeste laugh themselves to death at their appearance. The Dustbins,
hating an untidy ship dump the bodies into the ocean. The Doctor
and companions take this opportunity to get to the TARDIS and make
a run for it again. They arrive in a gothic haunted house with
Dracula, Frankenstein, The Mummy, and Mickey Mouse who turn
out to be demonic 'Chuck E Cheese' "Happy Birthday" robots.
The robots capture the TARDIS crew singing strangely off key happy
birthday tunes to them robotically, of course. The Doctor assumes
they have landed in hell. Figuring that those anal retentive foes,
The Dustbins, will end up in hell themselves the Doctor tries to form
an escape plan. However before he can think of anything the Dustbins
materialize. The Dustbins, being incredibly stupid aliens, believe
that Frankenstein, Dracula, The Mummy, and Mickey Mouse are important
intergalactic rulers. The Dustbins are largely wiped out by the
Happy Birthday singing robots after they finally release all the
tension of years of being stuck in a dead end job singing horribly
for children's birthday parties. The Dustbins however do regroup and
capture the Mickey Mouse robot who they take hostage.
The Doctor and company finally arrive on the planet Mechanus. It
appears that the Dustbins have arrive here first and have started their
own vile plans. The TRUE Doctor is captured and replaced with
the Mickey Mouse robot as the Dustbins think all humanoids look
the same anyway. Surprisingly the Doctor's companions don't seem
to be able to tell the difference themselves. Luckily the Doctor
is not long in the hands of the Dustbins but instead falls pray to
their vile enemies, giant 20 sided AD&D dice gone evil. The Doctor
meets up with Morton Dill in the prison cells, not knowing he is a Dustbin
plant in the 20d prison, Morton Dill now believes himself to be one
Steven Taylor who is not only a brave space adventure but likes to
snuggle up with a giant stuffed panda bear doll when the giant dice
scare him. The Doctor soon realises he has a new ally on his side.
Soon Ian, Barbara, and Vicki are also captured by the giant 20 sided
dice and all seems hopeless. The Doctor resolves that they are going to
finally have to actually do something in this story when thankfully the
Dustbins attack the 20 sided dice and the Doctor and company see their
chance to make an escape as their enemies destroy each other.
Ian and Barbara decide that they've had enough crap from the Doctor
once and for all. When the Doctor goes to the Dustbin timeship
to get some spare parts for his own TARDIS Ian and Barbara take his
cane, punch him in the stomach, roll him for his wallet, kick him
out of the timeship and start piloting there way back to 1963.
Ian and Barbara are able to crash the timeship into London 1965
and run away from it before it explodes. The Doctor and Vicki
back inside the TARDIS recieve some half-hearted postcards from
the couple which the Doctor refuses to read.
After the departure of Ian and Barbara the Doctor was stuck hanging
around with lots of kids and irritating teens.
Book(s)/Other Related : Doctor Who - The Chaste
Chastity, A Guide To Appearing In 60s Children
The Dustbins Collectibles Big Book O' Crap
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
William Hartnell warns Barbara and Ian that they'll
end up as 'two sisters floating around in Spain'.
Fashion Victims - Ian dresses like a crazy pirate with an eye patch
and stripey trousers with high heels for several
Mistakes in episode 1 -
The CLASSIC one is where the Doctor, Ian, Barbara, and Vicki are watching
the Transdimensional Sony Trinatron Total Image Screen, and Ian sings
along to the Sex Pistols' "Anarchy In the UK". Anarchy in the UK came
out in 1977, Ian is from 1963. Ian may have had similiar opinions or
may have been Sid Vicious' father.
When Barbara goes back to the TARDIS to turn off the Trinatron, she walks
on to the set where the Trinatron is from the wrong direction. She's
supposed to enter from the door on the left (where they all left when the
Doctor announced "We're about to materialize!"), but she just walks on from
nowhere... Not only that, but she yells from where she walked on to the
Doctor to come quickly, which is followed by him entering from the same
nowhere that she did. I think it might be possible that the TARDIS has
a dimensional shift or something before it materializes..but that's
pushing the realms of believability a tad. Anyway all this really means
is that I'm a horribly nitpicky wanker to even notice.
When Vicki leaves she puts a tool onto the Trinatron it falls off with
a loud clatter that William Hartnell reacts to by swearing in Welsh.
The Trinatron that has names of basic cable stations written on it
although it's supposed to be able to tune illegal programming as well.
If you look at the Aridian's backs you can almost always see a
"Please Kick Me" sign.
A Dustbin is moving along on some sand, and you can see that it leaves
*footprints* in the sand after it.
At the end of part one, when the Dustbin is rising out of the sand, you
can hear the Dustbin moaning "ahh, oh, bloodly 'ell"-like there was dust
in his throat
Episode 2 -
The Doctor leaves his Radio Times on Aridius but no worries, he
has it back by the time they reach Mechanus.
When Ian and Vicki are being harassed by the Dire beasts, Ian takes a rock
and throws it at the beastie and all you hear is "thump", the Dire beast
is apparently an evolved canvas monster.
Inside the Dustbin ship, the cardboard cutout of a Dustbin on a
service lift certainly is cause for laughter. A nearby paper mache
Dustbin cleverly zooms in front of it.
Episode 3 -
Cardboard Dustbins el loco rama!
Dustbin screaming "Sucess!! Final Victory!" for no apparent reason.
In one scene in the Dustbin craft, you can see someone running across
the bottom right hand corner of the screen completely nude - quickly,
In another scene where the Dustbins are entering their time machine,
you can see one lifting itself up get over the lip at the entrance!
Ian, Barbara and Vicki all gather around the Doctor. Vicki puts her
hands deep in her pockets and starts to wiggle her legs, move her hands
(in the pockets) and shake her hips. Judging by the desperate and hilarious
facial expressions - a silly embarrassed grin with a wide *urgent* look in
her eyes - she had a need to visit the Ladies room...
In one of the scenes in the TARDIS, Vicki starts pointing out that
"Doctor! The rotor is slowing down!". To which he responds, "No,
but I'm not ready!".
Episode 4 -
Before the TARDIS materializes in the Haunted House, you hear a track
from "Meet The Dustbins" for no reason whatsoever.
Frankenstein's Monster is credited as just Bob.
Much like the Doctor's magic re-appearing Radio Times Frankenstein's
Monster has a magically appearing 2000AD Annual!
If Frankenstein's monster is a robot for children's birthday parties,
why does it attack people?
The terribly convincing scenes of the Doctor and the Robot Mickey Mouse
Doctor. They showed close-ups of the other actor who was supposed to look
like William Hartnell, though he was a giant robotic rodent.
Episode 5 -
When Ian and the Doctor are carrying Vicki back to the cave, in the
background is a Pizza Hut, right outside the cave. And they don't even
In one scene in the jungle on Mechanus, a Mercedes cruises through
When Ian and Barbara are starting to climb down from the Mechanoid
city roof Barbara slips and falls head-first off the roof. Ian
saves her which is nice but for the rest of the eisode he keeps
grabbing her pants right at the belt-line. Each time they slide
several inches before she slaps him.
Technobabble - The Doctor talks of a "comfy juxaposition of the
The Doctor quotes Hamvender's law "mass is absorbed
by light and therefore light has mass and energy"
and Vicki follows "The energy created by an ice
cream neuron is equal to the amount of ice cream
Dialogue Disasters -
Ian helps Vicki along with her part of the script "Don't just run!
SCREAM! Scream you little fool!"
Dialogue Triumphs -
>From Episode 1 -
DOCTOR: There is only one way to act with dignity, we must face the
Dustbins and show them who is master.
IAN: So we fight!
DOCTOR: What? Hell no! Get in the TARDIS my boy we're going to
get the hell out of here as fast as possible!
DOCTOR: We're trying to run away from the Dustbins, not dance nude
with each other to bad disco music!
DUSTBIN: Final redecoration is inevitable!
They Mickey Mouse Robot has a classic line as the Dustbins brief him
on impersonating the Doctor:
"Understand? Of course I understand, my dear fellow! Don't fuss
so. I am to wish him happy birthday. Happy Birthday..."
DUSTBIN: Advance and tidy! Tidy and clean! Clean and Rejoice!
Rumors & Facts -
It is rumored that this story revealed the hidden mysteries of
Ian and Barbara. This is perhaps one of the weirdest rumors as
from the very first episode it was made clear that Barbara was
a normal sexually repressed school mistress into light bondage
and submission and that she had locked her brothers in her cellar
where she tortured them in her spare time between reading steamy
romance novels and that Ian was porn obsessed cross dresser
into stalking other perverts and using his advanced knowledge of
chemistry to mix psychedelic drugs in his bath tub. When the
novelization of The Chaste was written it was decided to expand
the characters in new and unforseeable ways. All of these
"hidden mysteries" were added to the mythos in Orange Peel's
novelization which reveals, amoungst other strange character
That Ian and Barbara shacked up for several years but never married.
Some of their children included - Sid Vicious, Rik Mayall, and
Lenny Henry. It is later explained that each of their children
changed their names and some underwent more radical rebellion against
Ian captured some Dustbin technology from the time ship in the
hopes of creating the most powerful sexual aide device in history
Barbara joined a Anarchist Attack Group in the 70s, dedicated to
destroying English Society and ridding the world of McDonalds.
Ian and Barbara were involved in strange MP sex scandals throughout the
80s and during this time Ian went around with an obvious fake suntan,
cheap black sun glasses, and addressed everyone as "Mr Big".
Ian was Dodo Chaplet's chemistry teacher as well and due to their own
chemistry they shagged like bunnies
The novelization also states that Ian and Barbara are still active in many
public and covert activities under many different identities all over the
None of the above is verified in the televised story but it is outlined
in the novelization.
About those things occurring in the actual story it has long been
rumored that the scene of Ian and Barbara taking a bus ride was
shot in BBC's Television Film Studios at Ealing, with extras walking
by the stationary bus in order to simulate London Traffic.
The bus scene was actually shot in a bus that went onto a brilliant
career of it's own appearing on various programmes until it's untimely
death in 1984 at the end of the last episode of The Young Ones.