The Wine Peddler
An alternate Programme Guide by
Seventeenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial S - The Wine Peddler -
1. The Wanker 3. A Battle Of Twits
2. The Metallin' Punk 4. Chest Mate
The TARDIS materializes in 1066 on the east cost of England.
The Doctor is annoyed to discover Steven Taylor in his ship
because he was just about to put the moves on Vicki now that
he had her to himself. Steven refuses to believe that the
TARDIS is a space time travel machine and is instead
convinced he is on a tacky tiny set for some second rate science
Adventuring out into the 11th century landscape they meet
some friendly yet cautious locals. There is great fear
of a viking invasion and a local monk has been making
unusual demands for beacon fires to be set on nearby cliffs
and for fermented yak dung. It turns out that the mysterious
Monk is not only totally insane but also one of the Doctor's
own people from his same planet, but a different neighborhood.
The Monk plans to ensure Harold's victory at Hastings via an
unusual scheme. The Monk has invited the Vikings over to his
place to get wasted on wine, mead, and any other intoxicant they
desire. The Doctor hears the distinctive sound of a Pink Floyd
record being played at the monastery and goes in investigate.
Meanwhile Vicki and Steven have discovered the Monk's TARDIS
disguised as a Spice Girls fan letter and therefore instantly
When the Doctor finally arrives at the monastery he beats
up 'The Wine Peddler' for trying to sell him a cheap raspberry
flavoured Belgian Liqueur. The wild party at the monastery
gets of out hand as the vikings start to pillage and burn
everything. Meanwhile the locals are incredibly angry that
the Monk didn't invite them and that they never get invited
around to hip parties. The Saxons rush the monastery and
a wild fight breaks out. The Monk's plans to make the vikings
unable to fight by getting them incredibly pissed seems to
have backfired. Trying to escape into the Spice Girl's
fan letter envelope he finds it has returned into it's actual
dimensions inside the envelope and that he is now stranded on
11th century earth.
This is the first time we meet another of the Doctor's race,
other than Susan, although it is not yet obvious that they
are ALL such incredible bastards.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor WHo & The Wine Peddler
Drunken Viking A Go-Go
Sun Tzu's Art Of Waging War Wasted
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
"As it happens I happen to be a very curious wan..wanker, indeed!"
"But I'm not a moutain goat and I prefer walking to anyday.
And I hate climbing. And I like walking. And my feet
hurt. And did I ever mention I was a curious fellow?"
"I like to keep up on my persanell..personal corresspend,
I like to write letters because, I am a rather curious
fellow! Have I mentioned that before, hmm?"
Fashion Victims - The Wine Peddler wears a rather suspicious
day-glo pink monk's robe
Goofs - In episode one Steven, on finding an issue of Hustler magazine,
asks how they could possibly be in the 11th century, although
the Doctor has already explained he brought it along in case
he got lonely
Technobabble - The Monk explains to the Doctor that the "unhappy hangover
ions" in the Vikings' brains will make them unable to
fight the Saxons
Dialogue Disasters -
DOCTOR: So! You think you can screw around with history, eh!
Well I'll have you know I'm one curious fellow! I bet
you didn't know that, did you fat boy?
VIKING: Ohh!! AHHH!! UUUUHHH!!! AHHHH!!
VICKI: Are you hurt?
VIKING: No! This Tropical Hooch tastes of the devil's brew!
STEVEN: What you're suggesting just isn't possible! It's Impossible!
The OPPOSITE of POSSIBLE!
MONK: I am the wine peddler, may I interest you in my delicious
table wines of death and destruction?
Dialogue Triumphs -
STEVEN: Oi? Where's the toilet in this thing?
DOCTOR: That is the dematerialisation control, and that over younder
is the horizontial hold. Up there is the scanner, behind
the scanner is my Hustler magazine, that is Vicki, here's a
nick on the TARDIS console, that is a red switch, this is a
green blinking light, this is my fist, here is my foot, those
are the doors it will kick you through...sheer poetry, dear boy!
Now piss off before you get me really angry.
STEVEN: Well I finally found the toilet but there's a panda on it!
DOCTOR: His name is Bumbo. Don't upset him, he's an old friend.
I met him in Tibet. He was emperor of the Panda people and
I was their guest in the infamous Panda Palace that was
made of licorice where nothing bad ever happened and
the tinky dinky people sang all the live long day.
DOCTOR: What hell? I was being sarcastic! I don't know what
that damn bear is doing. Did I ever mention I was
a curious fellow? Anyway doesn't matter now you've
pissed me off and plenty 'n good now boy. Vicki, get
get the electrodes.
The Doctor and Steven find a bizarre helmet on a beach -
STEVEN: It must be a Viking helmet!
DOCTOR: HA! HA! My dear boy, please leave this to the experts.
It is obvious that this is a helmet for some sort of
space cow. I had always speculated about the existence
of such space cows, but a chance to meet one - how
fascinating. I believe we have landed in The Far Side
my dear boy. Look out for amoebas, intelligent cows, chickens,
and silly cavemen.
Rumors & Facts -
This story establishes some of the more interesting if not bizarre
portions of Doctor Who mythos. There is the long standing rumor
that the Doctor's race is identified as "Space Bastards Inc."
however this was merely a company that was headed by the Monk in
earth's future. There were rumors that Peter Butterworth was
chosen for the part of the Monk due to his success with making yummy
syrup, however this work was indeed done by one Ms. Butterworth
of no known relation.
This story shows more than any other before it that it is possible
to screw with history. It is also realised that experienced 25th
century space pilots have less common sense about the implications
of time travel than the average eight year old science fiction fan
of the late 20th century!
It also shows and forms the Doctor's "sole licence to screw with history"
philosophy which had been hinted at in The Lab Techs. The Doctor
seems annoyed at the Monk who is not so much evil as rather irresponsible,
stupid, and short sighted, which may just bring out hostility as it
reminds him of the BBC.
There was a rumor at the time that the series was going to shift into
"The Wine Peddler Half Hour" where every week we'd see the Monk travel
to a different important era of history and try to change the events
by getting everyone blitzed senseless. The stories were to feature
historical romps with Ghangis Khan, Alexander The Great, Napoleon,
Hitler, and the members of Take That.
However the idea of a pseudo-historical comedy science fiction series was
dropped until the making of the hilariously successful "Dark Bastard" in
which every season followed Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Stephen
Fry, Hugh Laurie, and a collection of others in a different historical
era featuring the power plays of the "Dark Bastard" from the Middle
Ages to World War I. Ultimately the show did a Christmas Special
which stole the well known "Nibble Pibblies" from Doctor Who in
a flash of the Dark Bastard's future.
Doctor Who's second season had been an important starting point of
many of the show's later developments and by this time it was
quickly becoming one of the UK's most popular programmes. The
show was determined to be wacky and alienate family audiences
with the kinky sex of The Woman, the non-existent production values
of The Chaste, the pseudo-hysterical content of The Wine Peddler,
and the bizarre weirdness of The Weird Planet, obviously.
By the end of the season only William Hartnell was kept as everyone
else had been gotten rid of for either not working correctly or
just being too much of kinky perverts even for Doctor Who to let
stick around. It was hard to tell precisely where the series was
going at the time but to the annoyance of parents' groups and
clean thinking citizens worldwide, it wasn't going to get any better,
as was assured by the Doctor's voice over in the season ending -
"Ohh! I wonder if I can stick my WILLY into THIS! I'm a curious fellow."
Although it is not known if this was an actual scripted voice
over or just someone left the microphones on by accident.