The Cabbages

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Twenty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial AA - The Cabbages -

On a distant unnamed no return address planet live the ultra-advanced
and civilized Old Guys and wild primitive cabbages.  The TARDIS crew
are given a guided tour of the old age pensioners' home, which is the
capital of the Old Guys' planet, and meet Jimmy, the leader who sits
about smoking cigars and swearing about the war.  Inevitably Dodo meets
a dirty old man and runs away to save herself from his clutches.
Dodo finds herself running into a laboratory presided over by Santa.
Santa is a strange charming jolly large fellow with rosy cheeks,
a red button nose, and a belly that jiggles like a bowl full of jelly.
He works in the laboratory with his worker elves.

When Dodo is back with the Doctor the truth finally dawns: The Old Guy's
advanced old age pensioners' home and the entire Old Guy civilization is
powered by the life force of a specially grown slave race of cabbage.
The Doctor can't believe this but his own life force and qualities
have been transferred to the Old Guys who are slowly becoming even
more dirty and perverse.  The Doctor meanwhile, not used to the cabbage
diet, finds his own vitality draining from him.  However Jimmy is
growing in power.  Finally, after all the naughtiness of the Doctor
has been absorbed the Doctor is left with nothing but honor and
courage.  This unusual state of moral reflection scares his companions,
however these new impulses begin to spread through the Old Guys
as well.  Jimmy develops some of the Doctor's attitude and eventually
his conscience.   With a new sense of justice Jimmy goes out into
the wilderness of the cabbage patch and frees them.  The Old Guys
and the cabbages choose Steven to be their leader. The Doctor now
finally regaining some of his usual sexual vigor sees this as
a chance to finally get Dodo to himself runs into the TARDIS and
takes off before they change their mind.  There is a special last
scene of Steven ruling over a patch of cabbages and a bunch of
old loonies.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Eats Some Cabbage
                        Too Much School Cabbage - The Sad
                        Story Of The Boy Who Couldn't
                        Dodo And The Cabbages - The Ill Fated Pop
                        Rock Quartet

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         "So my dear old fellow, you too wish to know the
          secrets of the stars?  Hmm there are more things
          in Victoria's Secret Catalogue that are even ever
          dared dreamt of in your phil-us-off-so-please Jimmy."

         "NO!  Not this time, I must pit my wits and do what
          is right and good and fun and happy and people will
          think I'm a good man and a happy boy and mummy will
          give me a warm hug and the evil bear in my wardrobe
          will go away, and there will never be any more licking
          of the-"
         "Will!  Hey William!  You're way off script."
         "What..oh..oh...dear me, how embarrasing, well don't
          worry they'll edit out this bit later."

Fashion Victims - The outrageous red velvet leisure suit that Santa
                  Claus seems to be wearing to look futuristic

Goofs - Wouldn't it make more sense to use men in cabbage suits instead
        of actual cabbages?  What is so horrible about a civilization
        sustaining itself on cabbage anyway?
        If the cabbages are such a danger to the Old Guys why do
        they grow them in their gardens?

Technobabble - Santa Claus explains to Dodo that "cabbageatoid energy"
               is one of the rarest forms of "restorative protocomplex"
               in the universe

Dialogue Disasters -

JIMMY: Don't you understand that all progress is made at the
       exploitation of lesser forms?
DOCTOR: This a cabbage!

(Removing tiny ropes from the cabbages in the patch)

Dialogue Triumphs -

(Dodo on the run from Old Age Pensioner)
SANTA: And what do you want for christmas pretty little girl?
DODO: Oh no!  Not another one!
SANTA: Sit in my lap and tell me what a good girl you've been!

JIMMY: How can you condemn this great, artistic, and scientific
       civilization because of a few wretched cabbages?
DOCTOR: Have you tasted this slop??

DOCTOR: I oppose you as I oppose the Dustbins or anyone who keeps
        their collections of pornographic magazines this tidy!

STEVEN: Old loonies, cabbages, members of the royal family, I am
        your new leader!
OLD GUYS: Aye!!  Let's nail him to the floor!
JIMMY: No, no, it's never right to nail a leader to the floor.
       Let us screw his spleen onto this lawn chair, hmm?

Rumors & Facts -

It is rumored that no one dies in this story.  This is true but god
you wish they would.  Most the Old Guys in this story seem to be about
the same age and just as perverted if not more so as the Doctormeister
himself.  This has caused lots of rumors that the evil Old Guys wanted
the Doctor to join the the Old Age Pensioners' home but in fact
this is originates from a rejected Missing Adventure novel
"Over The Hill - The Doctor Gets Lost Again" which featured the Doctor
walking over a hill, forgetting his name, getting lost, and regretting
he didn't join the old folks home when he had the chance.  This storyline
was rejected for being too pessimistic and for directly stealing various
ideas from a Jon Pertwee character in a dodgy fan video.
It is rumored that on Friday 27 May 1966 The Cabbages episode 3 was
camera rehearsed in Riverside 1, that the budget was 2,575 pounds
and they spent 2,252 pounds of that, and that they also recorded
the first eight scenes of episode 4 which included smoke effects.
It's a sad lame wank rumor I know but it's a rumor so there you go.
I mean you think people would at least pass around cool or naughty
rumors like -

"During episode 3 of The Cabbages did you know the Doctor finally got some,
right on the stage and went at it again and again for hours only for them
to cut it out from the final transmission?"
"Really?  Why did they cut that out if he worked so hard on it?"
"Oh apparently it wasn't in the script!   Dirty old devil!"

But no apparently we have the former rumor to work with.  Maybe it's
that whole thing about "rehearsed" that is the rumor.  That doesn't
sound right for this story at all.