The Wank Machines

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Twenty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial BB - The Wank Machines -

In London's Soho District the travellers find Professor Pratt and
his revolutionary computer called WOMAN - Will Operating Manipulator
And Naughtifier - a nasty little machine that seems all the rage
with dirty old men.  Suddenly the machine reverses it's process
and instead of being controlled by men it is controlling the minds
of men, and MORE!  Sadly it's domination of men begins with Professor
Pratt, so it isn't very impressed.  WOMAN programs them to build
Wank Machines, self-contained, easy to hide, mobile machines that
will aide the conquest of the world.
Ben, a young merchant seaman who has been out at sea for ages is so
desperate he has taken to befriending Dodo.  Luckily he also has
the hots for Pratt's sexretary, Polly.  All three of them are
captured, but Ben escapes and warns civil servant Sir Charles Git.
Sir Git calls for the immediate investigation by troops and he
must be one top operator because he gets them there in the time
it takes to skip edit to stock footage.  Troops are powerless against
the Wank Machines.   The Doctor works actively against the troops.
Cornering a roaming Wank Machine in the street he tries to get it
to dominate him.  When this fails he goes after another machine and
tries to reprogramme it to seek only him out and stands in front
of it screaming and jumping.  The wank machines show no interest
in the Doctor at all.  By this point the Doctor is completely mad.
He tries to aide the Wank Machines in their conquest of earth
and believes after they have the entire world at their disposal
he can figure out how to re-wire them for his own perverse purposes.
Thinking he can speed up their evolution by making the machines
evolve 1000 times faster than the humans he speeds up the internal
clocks of the Wank Machines.  However all the Doctor's dreams of glory
are destroyed when he discovers the machines aren't y2k compliant!
When the machines internal calendar's reach 2000 they all cease
to function.  WOMAN is destroyed and the world is saved from computer
The people of earth mistake the Doctor for a computer genius who
has saved them all.  The Doctor is annoyed and wants to get away
as quickly as possible.  Looking for Dodo he finds Ben and Polly
who tell him Dodo isn't coming back, she's gone home.  When the
Doctor asks if he did anything wrong he is informed by the duo
that Dodo has some strange social disease no one can identify.
The Doctor thinks this is just a great finishing touch to a miserable
day and walks into the TARDIS, seemingly unaware that Ben and
Polly run after him because they think he is crazy old man who
has mistaken a police box for a portable toilet.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Wank Machines
                        Doctor Mysterio - Wanko El Loco
                        Dr. Winky's Index Of Electronics

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         Indeed Hartnell seems to be improvising all his
         lines most the time..
         "I wonder Sir Git, do you I don't suppose
          someone as thick as you would."

         "There's something kinky in Soho - I can feel it."

         "And when the Wank Machines rule the earth the earth
          shall be theirs!"

        "Yes, the Wank Machines, every moment of my existence
         I have known of your coming...and it's about time to!"

        "But I've reprogrammed you you silly git!  Molest me by lunch
         time or my name isn't Doctor Mysterio, que?!"

Fashion Victims - Dodo.  It doesn't matter precisely WHAT it
                  was she was wearing cause it's always pretty

Goofs - Why do the Wank Machines care so much about smashing through
        empty, conspicuously stacked, boxes?
        In episode 4 when the Doctor tries to get..intimate..with
        the machine against it's will he seems to be in pain even
        though the dialogue suggests otherwise
        Sir Git talks of a British manned mission to Mars which
        would set this story in Never Never Land or Fantasy World,
        take your pick

Technobabble - WOMAN uses "orgasmatetonic" energy.  If this is
               linked to the Sexual Toymaker's "Oragasmatastic"
               energy or not is unknown
               Polly's job is as Pratt's "sexretary".  What does
               Pratt do with a sexretary?

Dialogue Disasters -

WOMAN: Doctor Mysterio is required.  Bring Him here.

WOMAN: Yo!  People!  PEOPLE!  I asked for Doctor Who to be here
       a half hour ago!  What, do I have to do everything myself?
SCIENTIST: What a bitch!

Owner of Nightclub (to Doctor): I dig you're fab gear!  Far Out Groovy!
                                Really outta' sight.
DOCTOR: I am one wild and crazy guy my dear lady!  They call me the
        Funk Meister G where I am from.

WOMAN attempts wank-control-by-telephone: I feel as if something
enourmous and terrific was trying to absorb me!

Dialogue Triumphs -

DOCTOR: The Wank Machines deserve the rule this planet!
DODO: You've really hit bottom his time Doctor!
DOCTOR: If you really cared you'd never had let me get to this state
        my dear lady!

DOCTOR: But what about my young caring precious Dodo?
POLLY: Well Doctor, she' up with a sort of, problem.
BEN: Yeah, this monster sexually transmitted disease like nothing
     even I've ever seen, and I've been to Thailand!
DOCTOR: Oh, damn, I'm happy I never did the manic mambo with
        her.  Oh well she was a damn boring girl anyway.

Rumors & Facts -

It was during the filming and production of this story that the shit
hit the fan big time.  William Hartnell informed Innes Lloyd that
he would be unable to attend filming for Serial HH (which had
yet to be commissioned) and Innes Lloyd quickly realised that his
wife had informed him the previous day that she would be visiting
her mother during this same period of time.  Some checking around
and it became all too clear that Hartnell was shagging the wives
of just about everyone involved with the Doctor Who project.  It
seemed that half of the wives in England had plans to be away from
home for some considerable period during the shooting of Serial HH.
This was later discovered to be a kinky in joke for "Hot 'n Horny".
Gerry Davis and Innes Lloyd were so angered that they immediately
conspired to get rid of Hartnell and started talks with Michael
Hordern, Patrick Wymark, Patrick Troughton, Davy Jones, and Phil Silvers.
A cover story, which became fan myth, was generated that Hartnell
felt the role was too taxing for an aging man like himself.  This
may have been true but by studying the time line of bedroom activities
which was drawn up by Innes at the time it seems even a large group
of younger men would be worned out and too exhausted for work if
they had to keep up to this routine.

Also at this same time Innes Lloyd sent a letter to Jackie Lane
about her leaving the show -

I'd like to thank you for all the hard work you have put in doing
whatever it was you were doing when you should have been concentrating
on playing Dodo.  I am very sorry about the incident with Hartnell.
He's just a very affectionate old man and it was really your word
against his, and since he is the star, we let you go.  Fortunately
your acting and viewer appreciation statistics were sufficiently
bad enough to justify us firing you a few times over so there is
no way to really prove your case against us.  One thing I might
add is I know how awful you must be feeling right now.  I mean
let's face it you just lost the best gig of your career and no one
is going to touch you with a ten foot pole after this.
If you feel bad or distressed don't worry, you can still visit me
every Thursday evening when my wife isn't home and out shagging
Hartnell behind my back.
Remember I have pictures of you and what you did to that unfortunate
kitten.  If you want copies for your own sick twisted little reasons
that's fine but I'm keeping the negatives for blackmail purposes.

Have a Nice Day Ducky,
Innes Lloyd