The Piss Takers

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Twentieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial U - The Piss Takers -

1. Temple of Sex Acts        3. Death of Some Guy
2. Small Willy, Small Ego    4. Horse of Reconstruction

The Doctor decides that he must study all of galactic history
to find the best possible moment in time to give his end away.
He pilots the TARDIS back to ancient earth as he reads that
the Greeks loved to do kinky things with palm oil.  Landing
in 1200 BC he finds that he has messed up by a few hundred
miles and instead of landing in Athens he has landed outside of
besieged Troy.

The Doctor wanders out of the TARDIS and is immediately hailed as
Bruce, The Greek God of Pornographic Lithographs.  The Doctor
discovers that the Greeks are master piss takers.  They have spent
ten years playing elaborate practical jokes on the Trojans who have
so far held out with somewhat effective but nowhere near as a good gags.

The incompetent Paris captures the TARDIS as a prize of war however
Cassandra, the head priestess, concludes it is a water closet and that
the Greeks have fooled Paris into yet another easy to see through joke.
When Vicki emerges from the TARDIS everyone is slightly surprised as the
TARDIS didn't have the "Occupied" sign up.   Vicki tells them she
is from the future and that the TARDIS really isn't an out house
but no one seriously believes her.  Cassandra fears she is just
a Greek geek playing some bizarre joke on them all to confuse them
horribly but the King and Paris believe otherwise.  She is
accepted by the Trojans who then give her a deadline of one day
to come up with a killer prank to out do the Greeks once and
for all.

The Doctor has also been given this same deadline by the Greeks who
expect a lot out of him as a living god and general pervert.  At first
the Doctor suggests they tar and feather the Trojans and see if they
can fly but eventually he realises this is simply too cliche.  So he
steals an idea from the history books he read about the Trojans being
complete idiots and dragging a Giant Horse into their city.  Somehow
magically over night, as is always the case in these stories, the entire
giant horse is built and ready to go.  The Doctor regrets that
he didn't have enough time to fit shock absorbers and offer
special low rider features.  As was expected the Trojans cart
the giant horse into the city and start to worship it.  The Greeks
then throw rotten fruit and urinate on the crowd below.
The Doctor is amused and somewhat ashamed he has masterminded this
incredible scheme.
Vicki is so disgusted by the Doctor's behaviour that she runs
off to have pre-martial rompy sex with a Trojan named Troilus
as his parents had no imagination.  Before she leaves she
beats Steven senseless for all the dumb stuff he has tried to
do with her and for repeatly feeling her up in the TARDIS.
Then, feeling somewhat sorry for dropping the loser, she asks a
Greek woman, Katarina, to take the unconscious Steven back
to the TARDIS while she runs away as fast as possible in
the other direction.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Piss Takers
                        The Trojan War - The Most Annoying
                        Practical Joke In History
                        Helen's Secret XXX Videos - Wearing A Trojan

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         "So you see, I am indeed the God of, ahh, the God
          of those things with which I god over.  Bruce am I, hmm?"

         "The Answer lies in history my dear boy!  Only if we go
          into the past can we solve the complex mysteries of the
          mysteries that lie the past."

Fashion Victims - The Trojans wear togas which are fine but they
                  also wear Keds tennis shoes.

Goofs - Keds were not fashionable shoes in the 13th century BC,
        indeed they are questionable in the 20th century AD.
        The whoppee cushion, the most beloved weapon of the Greeks,
        is not made of a goat's stomach in this story but a sheep's
        stomach, pathetic to notice the difference I know but
        what can you do?

Technobabble - The wooden horse is made to look more real when the
               Doctor bestows it with 'the equine factor'

Dialogue Disasters -

To suggest tar and feathering the Trojans the Doctor says:
"Have you ever considered giving them the bird?"

Paris: Well it's too late to say *PPPPPHHHHHHHLLLLLLTTTT* to the whoppee

Dialogue Triumphs -

DOCTOR: You have humiliated this poor fellow with your joy buzzer!
ACHILLES: Yes, but with your hand!

CASSANDRA: You're not putting that out house in my temple!
PARIS: Why not?  You're full of crap anyway.

Rumors & Facts -

This is the first story where the Doctor seems to screw around with history
deliberately at will.  His motivations are also somewhat unclear.  Does
he believe that he will get some slave girls if he is successful?  Does
he just like large scale carpentry projects?
The novelization does little to clarify all these questions as the story
is told from the view point of a man who will not be born for 400 years
and features different characters with a different plot.
It has long been believed that this story revealed that Homer was a
gangsta rapper who liked to do crack, smoke weed, and gangbang with
a submachine gun.  This is of course completely ridiculous as Homer
is a well known lovable cartoon character on the Simpsons.
This story features the departure of Vicki and the addition of an
ancient Trojan companion.  This bizarre casting decision was to
set the stage for the long and drawn out companion snuff story
that was just a week away.