The Dustbins' Nasty Plan

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Twenty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial V - The Dustbins' Nasty Plan  -

1. The Travesty Begins         7. The Yeast Of Steven
2. Playin' Hard To Get 'em     8. Dante's Peak
3. Dustbins Plan It            9. Moldy Breath
4. The Tractors               10. Crepe Stitch
5. Forget The Plot            11. Is Anybody Home?
6. Corneas of the Sun         12. Doctor Who Kicks Some Ass

The TARDIS materialises on the planet Kipple where the Doctor
and his friends meet up with Space Security Service agent
Fret Von Lethbridge.  The Doctor finds Max McCoy Starkiller's
tape and accidently burns it believing other copies to exist
in the BBC Archives.  Fret and the Doctor notice the planet's
unusual tidiness and the Doctor realises at once that it must
be the work of his old foes, the Dustbins.  Fret and the Doctor
decide they must warn the earth about the Dustbin presence but
not necessarily right away, after all they should at least give
the Dustbins the chance to capture them first so they can escape
dramatically and then warn the earth.   Approaching the Dustbin
encampment the Doctor and Fret listen to the public announcement
system through which the Dustbins give away all their top secret
plans - They need fairy liquid to power their ultimate weapon known
as The Grime Destructor, they have an alliance with Magic Chin the
Security Guard of the Solar System, and that they plan to end the
war on drugs once and for all.  The Doctor realising it is only
4000 AD and therefore the war on drugs must go on at least another
100,000 years decides to steal the Fairy Liquid from Magic Chin
(Maverick Chin to his pals).  Unfortunately Chin has been doing
some LSD in the Dustbins' war room and declares that the Doctor,
Fret, and companions are giant Tractors out to kill them all.
Luckily the Doctor is able to make off with the Fairy Liquid
and escapes even before really ever being captured.

Fleeing from those wacky Dustbins in Magic Chin's Spice Ship
the Doctor, Fret, Steven, and Katarina arrive on the tacky
cardboard-looking planet Desperado.  Passing by a familiar rocky
cliff in a lonely desert they meet a crazed fellow named Captain Kirk.
Captain Kirk beats them back to the Spice Ship and holds Katarina
hostage in an airlock where he forces her at gun point to wear
a mini-skirt and prepare crepe suzette.  Out of desperation Katarina
opens the airlock where both her and Captain Kirk eject out to their
deaths.  The Doctor cries for several minutes.  Steven and Fret
comfort the Doctor over the death of Katarina but he explains he
was just really hungry and loves crepes.

In one of a number of silly attempts to recapture the Fairy Liquid
Magic Chin (Maverick Chin to enemies as well) sends Space Security
Service agent Sara Kingdom.  Immediately Sara recognises her brother
Fret and kills him for taunting her with his pet turtle all through
her childhood.  The Doctor and Steven assure her that they are the
good guys and that they have never owned turtles in their lives.
She is not sure if she should believe them however she was also
traumatised by a bizarre and giant chin in her adolescence so she
joins them on principal.  They have a strange and completely unimportant
meeting with the Wine Peddler who invites them over for a drink
on their way back to the planet Kipple. The Wine Peddler uses his
devious powers and knowledge of alcoholic seduction to get out
of his Monk's robes and into Sara Kingdom's pants.  This so outrages
the Doctor the he leaves immediately and is forever embittered that
every chance he has ever had for rompy sex has been destroyed by
circumstance and villainy.  The Doctor arrives on Kipple in the mood
to kick serious ass.  He powers up the Grime Destructor, reverses
the grime flow, and uses it as a deadly weapon against the Dustbins.
Sadly Sara Kingdom ignores the Doctor's threats and stays outside
where she is grimed to death.  The Doctor laughs maniacally as he
destroys everything around him.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Dustbins' Nasty Plan
                        Doctor Who Kicks Serious Ass (aka Doctor Who
                        Machine Gun Crazy)
                        A Hard Day's Dust - record LP, casette, CD

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         "Mavic..Magic Chin!  I say it is hypnotising isn't it?
          That chin of yours my dear boy.  You must be in some
          way related to the infamous Leno family."

         "So you see this Fairy Liquid must be used to clean that
          which can be cleaned with the grime destructor which
          needs the fairy liquid to clean that which, I say how
          many light earths away is that grime destructor?"

Fashion Victims - If Magic Chin was a Spice Girl he'd be Plastic
                  Surgery Spice, well more so than the others

Goofs - Max McCoy Starkiller's taped message in different from the one
        he made in 'Pissin' On the Unknown', for instance the phrase
        "Those Dustbin bastards!!" appears twice as often as in the
        The Doctor pulls silly faces and starts to make noises like
        the Three Stooges during cellular dissemination
        A police box would look rather out of place in the Police
        Commissioner's trousers
        Fret Von Lethbridge's grave stone reads "Fret Von

Technobabble - The Doctor places Fret in a force field that works
               on a "damn hard to get into principle of physics".
               The Dustbins use a 'dusterizer' and a 'wheetabix'
               beam to try to stop various escape ships the Doctor

Dialogue Disasters -

WOMAN: Is that a police box in your trousers Commissioner or are you
       just happy to see me?

STEVEN: Are these breath mints?
DOCTOR: Do you think they are lollipops?  Take them NOW!  Please!

KIRK: You. Must. Help. ME. Escape. You. Are. My. Only. Hope.
      I. Love. Crepe. Suzette. You. Will. Pre-pare. Them. For. Me!

DOCTOR (to Sara): Pull your pants up madam!!  Can't you see the Monk
                  is trying to seduce you?!  That's my job!

FRET: Get me out of the this place, it's full of Studio cameras!

DOCTOR: And I hope you bastards at home are enjoying yourself
        for Christmas cause I'm sure not having any fun.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Asked if he is English the Doctor says:
"Your ideas are too narrow, too creped.  I bum about the universe
and I'm a bastard to boot."

DOCTOR: Hasta La Vista Dustbins!

Rumors & Facts -

 This story sadly does not exist in full, in fact only Forget the Plot
and Crepe Stitch are known to exist at this time.  This creates several
problems in understanding this incredibly long and simplistic story.
The character Katarina who was to be the new companion was dropped
when the writers realised they'd have to explain futuristic things
like space ships, computers, television, fire lighters, digital
watches, the calendar, the number zero, and well just about everything
to Katarina as she was not only ancient but not particularly bright
either.  It was long rumored that Katarina had no clue that she was pushing
an airlock open but just thought it was the flashy button to make the
toast pop up.  This is probably incorrect but to be honest I haven't
bothered to go and look it up so it's on you.  After all this is
merely a reference work not the answers to all the world's questions
and it doesn't really matter as this whole thing is rather inaccurate
anyway. Can't wait to get all the hate mail from sad fans -
"NO!  The creature in the backround of serial L was a Dildo MONSTER
not a Dildo BEAST!", then I can write back "Sorry, I'm not an
expert on Dildos and so I bow before your superior knowledge."

 Anyway moving on, there were rumors that Fret Von Lethbridge
(aka Fretbridge-Stewart) and Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart were played
by the SAME actor, one Nicholas Courtney.  However research shows that
these were not the same actor but instead two completely different actors
with the same name, same physical appearance, same acting history, same
birth dates, and same home address.  I know this seems impossible but the
Internet Movie Database assures me that this is the correct information and
computers are never wrong.

 It is my theory that they chose Nicholas Courtney for the role
over Nicholas Courtney to support the obvious fan wank theory that
Fretbridge-Stewart was the great great great granddaughter of Brigadier
Lethbridge-Stewart who hated her identical twin sister with a
different last name and decided to get a sex change operation to
make herself look exactly like her great great great grandfather.

 It has long been criticized how in episode 7, the Yeast of Steven
where Steven discovers Katarina has left him with a rather nasty
reminder of their short lived one night stand behind the Doctor's
back, the Doctor breaks the imaginary fourth wall and gives the
viewer at home a warm Christmas greeting.  For years the exact
audio was missing but when it was recovered it revealed that he was
indeed exceedingly upset and insulting about this Christmas greeting
thus preserving the spirit of the episode and character of the first
Doctor.   Indeed it is some what pleasing that William Hartnell
decided to include the audience at home in the continuing drama
of the Doctor's quest for sexual relations and his ever increasing
frustrations - this time reaching such heights as to call the viewers
themselves "bastards" for he knew that millions of lovers were going
to be doing the nasty on Christmas night when he was stuck bored
and lonely on the TARDIS with diseased companions.