An alternate Programme Guide by
Twenty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
I've discovered there's no way to do a parody of a story of mass murder
and persecution without risking offending people, so here you go..
Serial W - The Mascara -
1. War of Bog 3. Fleece of Dirt
2. The Sick Beggar 4. Hell of Doom
In insane desperation the Doctor forms his most bizarre plan
yet to finally once for all to have some sort of physical
gratification with another humanoid. Convinced that it is
his old manliness that has sabotaged his efforts so far
he decides to cross dress and pass himself off as a lesbian
in France. The Doctor demands that Steven helps him with his
make-up as the TARDIS makes it's way to Paris 1972. The
Doctor makes an unfortunately sad looking woman but he is
confident that in France no one will notice any difference.
Unfortunately, as if the TARDIS or universe itself can not
let this travesty occur as planned, the destination circuits
fail and they arrive in Paris 1572 an entire four centuries
too early. However the Doctor is now completely bonkers and
believes this will only help him more in his mission.
Sadly the Doctor does not seem to know his history very well
as he has arrived just as Catherine de Medici is planning to
murder all French lesbians. The Doctor disappears into a
Nunnery while Steven meets some actual lesbians at a prostitute
household. Steven rescues a servant girl, Anne Chaplet, who has
overheard the plans of Catherine de Medici. Later the infamous
Abbot of Ambrosia arrives in drag at the prostitute household.
He is the Doctor's double. Steven believes he is the Doctor
and follows him. Steven overhears a plot to kill everyone at
the prostitute house however the attempt fails and the Abbot
is blamed for this failure and executed. The Doctor returns
empty handed and depressed from the nunnery and simply does not
believe that Steven has had any success either. A large scale
massacre beings in the streets and the Doctor and Steven flee
into the TARDIS. In the last few minutes the Doctor successfully
pilots the TARDIS to 1966 Wimbledon and the Doctor tries to use
chat up lines on Dodo Chaplet. The story ends optimistically
with the Doctor sweet talking Dodo into the TARDIS.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who's Mascara
Doktor Dur Ferline Mockery
Various Cross Dressing Doctor Who Slash Fiction
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
"So my dear boy my plan to be a woman, and look womanly
is at last in hand, for once it will impossibissity
to resist me!"
"Ohh my dear, yes, French Nuns! Why if those films I
go by are anything to see I've got my work cut out
Fashion Victims - The Doctor's appearance is rather frightening to
children AND adults when he wears shiny lip stick,
garters, a mini-skirt, and a tank top.
Goofs - If Dodo is related to Anne why is her surname still Chaplet?
The novelization suggests that Anne had illegitimate children
like crazy so maybe she gave them her name.
Anne's heavy Scottish accent is an odd way to portray the medieval
French working class.
An angered official suggests the Doctor do something unsightly
and disgusting to himself with a pencil, even though there were
no pencils in the 16th century.
Dialogue Disasters -
STEVEN: Hey Doc, you think you can really pass for a woman
like this? Look more like a freak to me, but if you
DOCTOR: Quit jabbering and get to the mascara my dear girl!
STEVEN: Girl?? I'm a BOY Doctor!
DOCTOR: Shhussh! We're under cover!
DOCTOR: My good Sister, I have come to help thee!
NUN: Are thou supposed to be a lady? Thoust appears more as a freak
to thine eyes.
ANNE: Oi! 'Course 'im FRENCH!
Dialogue Triumphs -
DOCTOR: This scheme will do the trick! No one can resist..The
The Doctor's beautiful, haunted speech:
"And now they've all gone..None of them could understand, not even
my little Susan, or Vicki. And as for Barbara, and Chatterton..
Chesterton..they were all too impatient to get back to their own time.
DAMN IT! WHY CAN'T I GET LAID?!"
Rumors & Facts -
best historical adventure in Doctor Who history. In 1989 a group of
crazed fans gathered in Milton Keynes and chanted to the dark god
Demnos hoping that copies of the story would mystically reappear.
This failed attempt did not disuade these crazed scarf wearing fiends
who stalk the night and who have formed covens of bizarre fandom.
These warring cabalas have different and conflicting rites, ceremonies,
and philosophies. Some are purists, some are radical, some traditional,
all are sad wankers. Be wary of them, some claim to have Tenth Planet
part 4, some claim to have rare impossible copies of the legendary
1972 Doctor Who Annual, still others claim to be robot duplicates of
their original selves who are forever stranded on the planet Mechanus.