An alternate Programme Guide by
Twenty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial X - The Lark -
1. The Fall Guy 3. I'm Back!
2. I'm Sick 4. Le Explosives
The Earth is completely screwed and the Doctor is jealous.
All earth life is on a huge space ship on a 700 year journey
to a new world, Refusis. Dodo has a cold, she is sneezing
and coughing up green squelchy lumpy things. Even the Doctor
has to put aside his libido and hopes that by nursing back
Dodo to health she will nurse his own ache back to health.
However what they have yet to realise is that Steven,
the Human Guardians of the Space Ship, and a slave race of
sad bastards named the Monoids have no immunity. The Guardians
rule over these strange mute creatures who wear dresses, have one
huge eye in their mouth, and unfortunate Beatles wigs, with some
disinterest. Dodo sneezes and everyone drops like flies, but
from infection or disgust is not immediately clear. The travellers
are charged with being Refusisan spies and only prove their innocence
by curing the disease and getting out of there as quickly as possible.
As they leave they notice the feet of a statue that will be built
over the 700 years voyage.
The TARDIS takes off and rematerialises at the same location but, luckily
for plot purposes, 700 years later. At first Dodo will not believe
that they have arrived later in time but quickly realises that they
have when confronted by Monoids that TALK! The Doctor and companions
are taken to see the Monoid leader, Doctor Zaius, who says that he
has feared the Doctor's return. He knows that the Doctor in indeed
the 700 year old legendary figure known as The Law Giver who passed
down a cure to the horrible plague that ravaged the humans and
mute monoids. The humans in this time are now nearly mutes themselves
who rarely speak and have no real understanding that at one time
Humans ruled the space craft. When the Steven informs the human slaves
of their once wonderous history they try to rebel but are shot down
by their Monoid oppressors with fire extinguishers.
The Monoids are ready to make planet fall and the Doctor tags along
in a space craft. It seems the sole inhabitant of Refusis is the
Invisible Man who thinks he has evolved beyond the need for a
physical body. The Doctor humours him and talks the Invisible Man
into wiping out the top four Monoid leaders. With the Invisible
Man's help the Monoid leaders are killed in a bloody civil war,
The TARDIS, humans, and surviving Monoid working-class are brought to
the planet along with all the creatures of the earth. The Monoids and
humans then remember they have to recover the final artefact,
the statue built over the 700 year journey. However before the
statue can be recovered a secret bomb hidden in the statue by
the now dead Monoid oppressors explodes, destroying the statue
and ship. The Monoids, humans, and the Invisible Man are forever
planet bound with the destruction of the Space Ship.
The Doctor sees the smoking remains of the statue fall to the
planet from space and spends a moment contemplating the destiny
of mankind before running into the TARDIS with his companions
before anyone realises it's a space time travel device and demands
a free ride home.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who On The Planet of the Monoids
Doctor Who - A Case Study of Sexual Hopelessness
Escape From The Planet of the Monoids
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
DOCTOR: (to Dodo) My dear girl I believe you have coughed up a
lung my child I think, hmm, I think that I have a line
but I'm not sure what it is so cover for me dear boy won't
STEVEN: Ohh ahh, yeah right, I say my dear girl I believe you've
coughed up a lung are you quite alright, do you need anything?
DOCTOR: Alright! Alright! HMM! So my dear child are you quite
alright? Do you need anything? I have an enumerously
large labrador in the TARDIS, I could use it to study
this nasty ailment and train it to sit!
Fashion Victims - The Monoids occassionally have mops for wigs
Goofs - The Doctor's advice to light feverish people on fire is not
recommended. Towards the start of episode two the Doctor
punches Monoid in the face for no explainable reason.
Technobabble - The common cold was cured in the "1st segment of time"
by the amazing "Flutron". However the amazing Flutron
is just a cheap piece of cardboard with swear words
scrawled on it. Well maybe that wasn't the REAL
flutron but that's what the guy claimed at this
really bad science fiction convention I went to.
Dialogue Disasters -
The incessant chanting during the civil war scenes of -
"Monoid has NEVER killed Monoid!"
When the Doctor is tried by the Monoids -
Prosecutor: The accused is not a Monoid and therefore has no
rights under Monoid law. Let's just hang the
mutant and get this then done by tea time.
DOCTOR: My dear sir, I am not a Mutant!
Prosecutor: (to Bailiff) Silence the animal.
Bailiff: I'm afraid he might like it.
Prosecutor: Oh bloody hell. Well silence him in a non-leather
non-bondage fashion if you must.
Bailiff: Will you PLEASE be silent?
DOCTOR: Me? Of course not! Hmm! HMM!
Bailiff: I will be force to beat you.
DOCTOR: Oh yes please.
Bailiff: Right! That's it! I'm not touching this thing.
DOCTOR: Oh! You're no fun anymore!
Dialogue Triumphs -
STEVEN: The nature of Man even in this day and age hasn't altered
at all. You still dance badly like everyone else before you.
The meeting between the Doctor and the Monoid leader Doctor Zaius:
DOCTOR: You fear me! Why are you so scared of me Doctor Zaius?
What is it my dear weirdo?
ZAIUS: All I know of you I read in the ship's logs. I will read
to you ship's log, year 7, month 3, day 1:
"Beware the beast known as the Doctor. For he will lie to
virgins to possess their virginity. The Doctor will screw
with history and destiny for sport, and for pleasure, and
will give women cheap booze to take their underwear and-
DOCTOR: (interrupted with forced loud fake cough) Lies! Lies I
tell you! And surely what I do with women's underwear is my
In episode 4:
The Doctor is shocked to see the completed statue was the American
Statue of Libery, falling to his knees he screams:
DOCTOR: You did it! You finally did it! You maniacs! You blew it up!
I saved the human race, the Monoids, the Invisible Man, and for
what?? I still haven't gotten any! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL
Rumors & Facts -
This story was a bold bold BOLD breach of copyright and so therefore
underwent several name changes. At first it was called "Planet of
the Monoids" then changed to "Battle for the Planet of the Monoids"
further altered to "Conquest of the Planet of the Monoids" until
they decided a shorter and much less accurate title was needed, so
from then on it was called "Monoid Cutaway". However at the last
minute it was felt it wasn't HAPPY enough by a group of BBC executives
that decided "HAPPIER IS BETTER" so the title was altered to "The Lark".
These same BBC executives later petitioned for the disease "syphilis"
to be renamed "The Happy Fun Time Feeling", however this never gained
serious support from the medical community.
Another rumor, which no one seriously believed has shown in research to
be TRUE. The Monoids were played by sad actors who had ping pong balls
in their mouths which they would move around so they could be expressive
one-eyed aliens. The BBC tried to market this costume feature out to
young children and sad fans however both groups had been shoving
ping pong balls in their mouths for years and so it was not recieved
as innovative as they had hoped.
There were several rumors that the elephant in this story was merely
stock footage like just about every other animal ever to appear on
the series up to that point. As it turns out an elephant just
happened to wander onto the set one day so they hired him on the spot.
This elephant later went on to star in a big budget film production
of the life of Jumbo. Sadly after the stunning heights of his success
with this feature there seemed to be no work left for him. He was in
a lesser live action version of Dumbo which did miserably at the box
office and spent a few years on the notoriously awful "Who's Elephant
Is That?", a weekly sitcom. After five years it was felt that weekly
premise of baffled neighbors trying to figure out who the wacky African
elephant in the neighborhood belonged to had worn itself a bit thin.
Even though a handle full of episodes won awards - "Elephant: Ocean Surfer",
"My Elephant, My Wife", and "Elephant Spy" - this was not enough to
retain a fruitful career. The elephant now performs in a travelling
circus and has been credited with the authorship of two autobiographies -
"Gumbo, My Fabulous Career" and "The Other Side Of Gumbo - My Struggles