The Gin Fighters

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Twenty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial Z - The Gin Fighters -

1. Soma Holiday For The Doctor   3. Ringo Starr
2. Don't Shoot The Penis         4. The Low Morale

The Doctor is reading a book about the old west nude.  It's
a thrilling book about outlaws, sheriffs, and bordellos.
He is so excited at the climax that he slams the book shut
in utter amazement - a bit too fast.  Stumbling about and
screaming in pain the Doctor sets the TARDIS on a course
to the old west as he hastily dresses before his companions
walk in.
The TARDIS materialises in Tombstone on 27 October 1881.
The Doctor slowly walks out the TARDIS holding his crotch
in pain and finds the local medicine man is none other than
the infamous gin slinger, Soma Holiday.  Soma Holiday is feuding
with the Whisky Family.  The Whisky's gin slinger, Carp (called
that cause he drinks like a fish), nearly shoots the Doctor in
the groin for a laugh.   Marshal Wyatt Earp arrests the Doctor
for some suspicious activity in a nearby barn and rescues
Steven from a lynch mob who want to kill off all the friends
of the mysterious dirty old man.  Pa Whiskey hires Ringo Starr
the fastest musical gin slinger in the west to out drink the
Doctor in a bid for his freedom.  The Doctor however can sling
back gin like a lumberjack with a hollow leg.  Ringo Starr
eventually succumbs to intoxication and wails drunkenly, which
is his natural singing voice.
The Doctor decides he better move on before Wyatt Earp can
build a case and file serious charges against him, so he once
again takes up the role as an intergalactic outlaw on the
quest for adventure and some relief to his continuing sexual

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Cheap Gin Hangover From Hell

                        Wild West, Naughty West or Everything You
                        Always Wanted To Know About CowBoys But
                        Were Too Digusted To Ask

                        Ringo Starr's Gin Fighter Solo Album

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         "I say my dear Soma Holiday you are a pain the the groin,
          that is to ask what about this groin pain dear fellow?"

         RINGO: Goodbye and good riddance!
         DOCTOR: The same to you and many of them!

         EARP: Where has Steven gone?
         DOCTOR: Oh she's working as a prostitute!  Poor Girl!

Fashion Victims - The Doctor in chaps, giant boots, spurs, a 10 gallon
                  hat and various other wild over the top cowboy
                  clothing accessories however it is nice to see
                  him in any clothing whatsoever as nothing can
                  look as ridiculous as William Hartnell in his first
                  completely uncalled for nude scene

Goofs - Why do all cowboys have accents like the English Royal Family?
        In episode one and two each time the guns are fired instead of a
        blast one would expect from revolvers there is the noise of ducks
        In episode 4 when the drunken old west township decides to play
        with a gatling gun Earp and Masterson stand directly infront
        of the firing guns with no ill effects
        One of the cowboys refers to the gin tasting "bitchin'" this
        is somewhat anachronistic and impossible anyway

Technobabble -  The Doctor uses some gin to power a chemical rocket
                he builds out of some wood, glue, and his 'secret'
                ingredient with 'hyperflourescent glowy compounds'

Dialogue Disasters -

SOMA: I see! It is a problem with the wee-wee!

RINGO: Love me do darling!
STEVEN: I never figured you for a backshooter Ringo.

RINGO: They're going to make a show about a man who's sad and lonely and
       all I gotta do is act naturally.   Pass the gin.

Dialogue Triumphs -

DOCTOR: I never touch alcohol.  I drink it a hell of a lot though.

EARP: Eh?  Doctor WHO?
DOCTOR: Hmm? Oh, yes quite!
EARP: How in the hell do you ever get a lady with a stupid name like that?
DOCTOR: Hmm?  OH..yes...ahh..quite.

DOCTOR: Now we see who is the TRUE Gin Fighter!  Steven, Dodo, let's
        blow this joint before everyone wakes up and discovers
        I've stoled all the town's booze and placed it in the TARDIS.
        It's party time tonight!

Rumors & Facts -

This story reinforces the Doctor as a strange and mysterious character.
Just what was the Doctor doing in that barn that made Wyatt Earp so
furious?  What could be so horrible that the entire town would rally
to kill all of the Doctor's friends?  What was he going to do with
that bizarre chemical rocket that seems to have no real relevance
to the booze swilling plot?  These questions may never be precisely
answered as the Doctor went on the run to avoid charges but lots
of naughty and disturbing rumors abound in Who fandom.
This story has often been panned for it's soundtrack which is certainly
understandable.  Ringo Starr was the 4th member of the infamous Beatles
and was sure he'd be the first to get axed if anyone ever realised his
nose was in violation of fire codes in many of the auditoriums they played.
So he pushed his solo album "The Gin Fighters" with it's hit single
"Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon" on the unexpecting Doctor Who
who viewers again and again over a four week period in 1966.
The album never took off in America and actually went down in sales
in England each week after it aired on Doctor Who!  In retrospect
it was unwise the reveal so much of his "talents" to the Doctor Who
and general television audience.  It won the Turkey awards for worst
sound track in a science fiction serial with virtually no serious
competition - even "Loud Static Theatre" was outclassed.
This is the last story with individual episode titles.  Some people
have speculated that overall names for the entire adventure in parts
were easier for the audience to understand and easier for the already
complex record keeping process at the Department of Serials.  Actually
the authors were sick and tired of spending hours trying to come up
with a wonderful and exciting titles each week and only being able to
come up with things like "The Aardvark".
Some historically minded people have pointed out that the events
in this story should most likely be placed on 26 October 1881.
However my birthday is the 27th and I say that's when it occurred
cause I happen to like it that way.