Earth Shag

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

The One Hundred and Twenty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' MC Hawking

Serial 6B - Earth Shag -

 A small army of vicious, faceless, androids kill a team of unexpecting
paleontologists.  Killing paleontologists is a rather simple affair.
First they expect everything around them to be at least a million years
dead - so it's not hard to sneak up on them and surprise them.
Secondly, once you shoot them with energy weapons - their beards light
like festive Christmas trees.

 And even though these stoic androids are unstoppable, remorseless, angels
of death, they leave a sole survivor, Professor Kyle, because after all
someone has to report all of this so the androids can ultimately be

 Meanwhile, inside the TARDIS, The Doctor finds Adric laying down in his
bedroom with all the lights turned off listening to "The Sound of Silence"
by Simon and Garfunkel.  Adric is deeply depressed that nobody wants to
spend time with him, just because he's always depressed, and miserable
and slightly suicidal.  It's all a vicious circle.  The Doctor kindly
suggests that maybe Adric would have friend if he wasn't such a
self-loathing loser - and from there the discussion rapidly deteriorates
into a shouting match, for some reason.   After being dissed by the
Doctor, Adric decides that he wants to go home, where he believes he was
slightly more popular - but which, well, he wasn't.

 By a strange coincidence, The TARDIS materializes in the exact same cave
system were we've just seen the paleontologists join the dinosaurs in a
state of extinction.  The year is 2526 AD, the planet Earth, and the
country England.  So we know from the beginning that this is going to be
one unique and non-cliched story.

 Immediately after landing the Doctor storms out with Nyssa and Tegan,
and then slams the door, leaving Adric on his own. Tegan tries to talk
sense into the Doctor while he loads a small handgun and mutters to

 The Doctor and companions are soon confronted by a now crazed Professor
Kyle who threatens to kill them all with a small brush he was using
earlier to dust off fossils.  It's the closest thing he has to a weapon,
and he's deadly serious about using it.  The insanity of this new
situation momentarily distracts the Doctor from cleaning the service
revolver he's been clutching.  As the Doctor reaches to put the gun away,
two figures enter the cavern and open fire.  The Doctor notices there is
something slightly odd about the two figures - maybe it's the way they
relentlessly pump ammo into the cave towards them, or maybe it's their
lack of a face, or perhaps simply the way their bodies seem to be made
of plastic - but the Doctor slowly comes to the theory that they're

 Just as the Doctor formulates this theory and tries to think of a way
to test his hypothesis, Adric emerges from the TARDIS.  Unfortunately,
before the Doctor can stop him, Professor Kyle warns Adric of the danger
and he takes cover.

 Disappointed, the Doctor tries to remember how to handle killer Androids.
Briefly he mentions an episode of Star Trek he once saw where the crew
caused confusion in their logic circuits causing them to start making
mistakes - bit the Doctor dismisses this plan as too camp.  The Doctor
then wonders what his previous selves would have done - and realises that
he would have approached them civilly, introduced himself, made a few
charming remarks, and then escape to freedom.  But these androids are
more of the soulless unstoppable killing machine types and he doubts that
Oscar Wilde style wit will be enough to defeat them.  The Doctor admits
to his companions and Professor Kyle that the only idea he has left is to
sit there until the androids finally actually hit something with all
these countless bullets they are firing non-stop.  That is when the
Doctor realises the answer has been staring him in the face the entire
time.  In a bold gesture he pops up from his hiding place and stands
tall.  The androids continue to pump countless rounds of metal death
into the cave, but none of them actually strike anything.  The Doctor
deduces that they have luckily encountered the worst two of the army of
killer androids, who were left behind after the competent ones had made
their kills and left.  They walk out of the cavern in complete safety.

 The secret masters of the Androids, The Cybermen, are deeply annoyed
that the humans have encountered the only two androids that for some
reason were not smart enough to respond to the recall back to base. The
Cyber Leader recognised one of the creatures as the Doctor - a legend
amoungst the race of the Cybermen, especially since they shelled out
money on VHS copies of several stories and were actually watching them
in the breakroom during this entire invasion.  The Cyberleader realises
that once again the Doctor has arrived to thwart their needs, and this
time he must be found and fondled.

 The Doctor and companions are quickly captured by the Cybermen and taken
to main Cyberbase.  The Cybermen try to act confident and coy.  As if they
don't desire the Doctor and are in total control of the situation.  The
Doctor politely asks the Cyberleader if he would happen to know anything
about the mindless, faceless, killer androids who seem to have a thing
for killing random paleontologists.  The Cyberleader admits that he
might know something about them.

 The Doctor asks the Cyberleader to cut the crap and get to the real
story.  Surprised, shocked, and then overwhelmed the Cyberleader tells
the Doctor everything.

 The Cybermen were cold, lonely, and desperate.  The Cyberrace had taken
to drinking and sleeping with anonymous male creatures they'd meet at
karaoke bars.  Then, one night, a race of ruthless killer androids came
in and blew the shit out of everyone -- from the Milky Way to Andromeda
the universe was in terror in the hands of an unstoppable, speechless
race of killing machines -- and the Cybermen found this irresistibly sexy.

 The killer androids suggested that perhaps they could get together, try
things out, maybe conquer the cosmos together and then settle down to a
good life.  At first things seemed to be going well, life was exciting
again. Eventually though, things went bad.  The non-talkative androids
just stopped talking altogether. And even though they'd denied it, the
Cyberleader was sure that the killer androids had secretly been having
it off with their old lovers the Dustbins.   Now the Cybermen just
weren't sure what to do.  They don't want to kick the killer androids
out their secret base, and they still love them..and the sex..when they
get still incredible.

 After telling this weepy story to the Doctor the Cyber Leader takes a
shot of whiskey and offers one to the Doctor.  The Doctor puts his arm
around the Cyber Leader and tells him that he's seen things like this
happen so many times before.  And that the best solution, is to just
leave the Cyberbase with the killer androids still in it, and then
detonate an atomic explosion remotely.

 Tegan is appalled by this advice.  After all this is her homeworld,
earth, and she doesn't want to see any part of it be irradiated because
of the screwed up love life of a race cyborgs and psychopathic automatons.

 The Cyber Leader, deeply depressed, sets a launch sequence and the entire
cave structure flies off, revealing they are actually inside a gigantic
Cyber Battleship.  The Cyberleader overloads the ship's reactor core,
the Cyberbase is now a flying bomb.   For no apparent reason the fast
blast off from earth and the overloaded reactor core turns the Cyber
Battleship into a time machine, and they fling back through history
65 million years.

 The Doctor and companions run back to the TARDIS for their lives, save
Adric - Who has been touched by the Cyber Leader's heartbreaking story
and fallen in love with him.

 The Doctor, Nyssa, and Tegan reach the safety of the TARDIS and
dematerialise, reappearing in Earth orbit.

 Inside the Cyberbase, the Cyber Leader stands before the control panel,
knowing that to blow the reactor he will have to throw the safety switch.
The Cyber Leader is not sure he has the will to really do it.  Unsure
if his life has truly gotten so bad as to be unbearable.

 As he hesitates, his hand over the switch, Adric rushes up to the
Cyber Leader and proclaims his love.  Adric promises that he will
stand by the Cyber Leader and they can be together forever.

The Cyber Leader jumps on the switch -- The Cyber Base explodes.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Dr Who & The Cyborg Love Affair From Beyond the Stars
101 Signs of an Abusive Relationship: Dating A Monster
Adric: The Flammable Years

Fluffs - The Cybermen seemed flustered for most of this story

Cyberman (to Android): I happen to think that my emotions are rather
              non-existent ones..yeah.
                       Well, just remember next time.

Goofs -
The embarrassing scenes in which two Cyberguards are chatting away with
some great gossipy hand gestures.  Apparently they are debating if the
best band in history was Pink Floyd or The Beatles.

Adric's attempt to hug the Cyberleader is so over the top that during
his lunge he trips over his own feet.

Fashion Victims -
The Cyberleader wears a necklace with trendy interlocking male symbols

Technobabble -
"Overloading a quasaron matrix engine during take off will blast
the Cyberbase back through earth's history.  OF COURSE!  The ancient
electronics that the paleontologists discovered!  So they weren't
evidence of Cybernetic Dinosaurs -- but instead the result of the
explosion that's about to happen 65 million years ago!"

Links and References -
The Cybermen have acquired VHS copies of The Tense Planet, The Sheep in
Spandex, and Return of the Cybermen.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Cyberleader briefly hints that it was some other, possibly a future,
incarnation of the Doctor, who originally suggested that they hook
up with the androids of unstoppable death in the first place.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A deleted 47 second sequence, in which the Cyberleader explains that he
has lost all hope and will to live now that his prospects have gone from
dating a race of ultra-sleek machines of pain to spending the rest of
his life in a dedicated relationship with a math geek with bad hair
and silly pajamas.
This sequence was cut from the original broadcast as it was felt obvious
why the Cyberleader came to his final conclusion.

Dialogue Disasters -

     Doctor: So what's new?  Oh why do I ask?  It's always the same with
             you, isn't it?

Cyberleader: No... It could be... rough.

     Doctor: Ummm..actually I meant you always have some lame, desperate
             shortsighted plan for universal domination.
             I wasn't talking about that.  My you're obsessed.

 Tegan: Doctor, what was the name of your favorite film again??
Doctor: Braveheart, Tegan.

Dialogue Triumphs -

     Doctor: Tender moments can be special.

Cyberleader: They restrict and curtail the libido. The overwhelming rush
             of lust and desire.

     Doctor: They also enhance life. When did you last have the pleasure
             of smelling a flower, watching a sunset, eating a
             well-prepared meal?

Cyberleader: These things are irrelevant.  The Androids have shown us the
             the true nature of ecstasy.

     Doctor: For some people, small, beautiful moments are what
             relationships are all about!

      Adric: What did you say about "the true nature of Ecstasy"

     Doctor: Shut up Adric!  I'm trying to make a point!

Viewer Quotes -

"The deadly black androids are terrifying - they flit about silently, in
the darkness.  They do nothing, they explain nothing, they just kill...
no wonder the Cybermen found them so hot!!"
                          - Robot Lust Magazine, (September 1992)

"I feel so sorry for that young boy, Adric.  His death.  It must be very
disappointing to that young actor.  I'd like to comfort him.  A lot.
At my place.  If you could get him in touch with me, I'd like that a lot.
Be sure to tell him my wife is out every Thursday night with the bridge
club and we could have the whole house to ourselves."
                  - Letter received by production office (March 1982)

"You know it's very easy to judge a boy, like young Adric.  It's
very easy to cast him aside.  As this is a boy who would rather be taken
into the wrongful lust of a robotic man, then to live as our lord
intended.  And, as so many people take the easy road in today's society -
so I shall join them.  Adric will BURN!!  BURN IN THE FIRES OF HELL!"
                                       - Father James O'Maley (1982)

"After I saw this I cried for three days.  It was really 'orrible.
I asked my mum why they had to kill him.  I'm not sure I'll watch
Doctor Who ever again.  It wasn't right killing off the Cyberleader,
he was my favourite."  - Kevin Ashton (Priory Lane Primary School, 1982)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Halloween.  1982.  I dressed up as Adric, and went trick-or-treating.
A girl dressed as Annie laughed at me and stole all my candy.  I cried
for weeks.  I can't remember a happier time in my life."

Matthew Waterhouse Speaks!
"I remember when John pitched my final story to me.  I could tell that
it was going to be 'special'.  He didn't give a lot of details, but
he said Adric was going to fall in love.  I wasn't surprised as this
was a typical way for companions to leave.  I remember when Susan left
the series it was because she fell in love with David Campbell.  I wrote
a fanfic where Susan and David have rebuilt England together, but just
when they get finished the Daleks have returned AND this time joined
forces with the Cybermen.  It was really exciting and I sent it to Doctor
Who Magazine, but I guess they never got it as it was never published.
Anyway, sometime later John comes back and says that Adric is going to
fall in love with a Doctor Who villain.  And I knew for sure that
a companion had never left the series that way before, so I was very
excited.  I kept wondering which villain Adric would fall in love with.
After a few days of thinking I was *SURE* it was going to be the Drahvins.
Now the Drahvins hadn't appeared in Doctor Who since October of 1965, so
I thought they'd be ripe for a comeback.  And I was sure that John had
chosen them as I had heard a rumor that it was suppose to be a story
involving an old monster AND John knew that I had written an adult fan
fiction about Adric meeting the Drahvins.  So it all seemed to make sense.
Then, I found out it was the Cybermen.  And I was shocked, but it wasn't
THAT unusual, because they'd been looking for an adult relationship since
their first appearance in Hartnell's last story the Tense Planet.

We all know how things turned out in the end.  I was really disappointed
being the only companion ever chosen to die.  Okay, I know that's not
technically true -- but who's counting a couple of bimbos who were only
in one or two stories in the 60s anyway?  I begged John to let Adric
go off and help some underdeveloped planet with his mathematical genius,
or just to have his memory erased and be sent back to Alzarius.  But, it
was pretty clear they wanted me dead.

The trouble with Adric was that from the beginning he was so damn

His sexuality was so murky.

I think Adric is androgynous, in the correct sense of the word. He would
have liked hanging out with boys who wear gashes of lipstick but are not
necessarily gay. Those people who transcend labels- what the poet
Jeremy Reed has called the 'night lost' ".

Peter Davison Speaks!
"I wish the Cybermen would talk like they used to in The Tense Planet.
Their first story.  It was so eerie.  They sound too much like Daleks
these days.  The Cybermen were always my favourite villains. I love them.
Earth Shag is one of my favorite stories, the Cybermen are really well
presented here and...I don't recall, but I think something else notable
happens in this story as well.  I can't remember what though."

Lalla Ward Speaks!
"I don't blame poor Matthew Waterhouse for Adric being such a pain, but I
blame poor Matthew Waterhouse for Matthew Waterhouse being such a pain.
He was young and stupid enough to think there was something clever about
him.  Well, there wasn't. He was a smart-arse with people like costume
ladies who asked him to take his costume off to eat his lunch. If this
were prison, I'd have shivved him."

Tom Baker Speaks!
"Ahh yes!  Matthew Waterhouse.  I saw his last story.  He fell in love
with a suicidal Cyberleader.  I had reckless sexual encounter with the
Cyberleader one cold night in 1975 - trust me, it was nothing to write
home about."

Rumors & Facts -

 In 1980, popular science-fiction author Philip K. Dick, had been asked
about writing for the series. Philip K. Dick's storyline, The Three Holes
Near the Doctor's Mind, had been scheduled for the fifth slot of Season
Eighteen, but ultimately went unproduced due to script problems -
basically that it would cost 3 million pounds to produce as scripted and
no one could follow the storyline.  The jist of "The Three Holes Near the
Doctor's Mind" is that the Doctor is a trans-temporal radio station
which has become aware of the last few seconds of the universe in a way
that nags at him.  Meanwhile his companions have become temporal ghosts
and the Time Lords have elected K-9 as President Eternal.  The Doctor
discovers the key to human existence is actually lurking behind a coffee
maker in a New York apartment building, but before he can reach it he
discovers that he was never born and that in all probability he does
not exist.

 The story has been described as "rather tame and unoriginal" by hardcore
Philip K. Dick fans.

 Undeterred, Bidmead and Philip K. Dick agreed on a second idea, called
The Enemy Within, in which the Doctor is menaced by a shape shifting
creature from the power core of his own TARDIS known as "The Jelly".
Shortly thereafter, Bidmead left Doctor Who for a small padded room and
Philip K. Dick's adventure was passed to Eric Saward. By this time,
Philip K. Dick had asked if "The Enemy Within" could suggest that
Adric actually was an illusion created by a mass unconsciousness
experiment being performed on the moon Io in the 22nd century.
No one knew exactly how to take this request, and as far as I know,
no formal response was given.

 Meanwhile, producer John Satan-Turner was deeply feeling the need to
snuff a companion.  Originally, Satan-Turner had planned to have
the sea lion version of the Bastard return and kill Nyssa, but abandoned
the idea when Davison objected and the sea lion declined the part.
After that, he determined that Adric should be the companion to go --
this decision was eased along by the fact that the character was viewed
as somewhat unlikable by some people..okay, deeply unlikable by the vast
majority of people.   As an excuse, John Satan-Turner mentioned that
Matthew Waterhouse himself was finding the role less than rewarding.
This was however hardly surprising given the environment Matthew had
to work in.  For instance when a particularly ugly monster, a Terileptil,
showed up to the set one day, the cast nicknamed it "Adric".

 Given the nature of Adric, however, Satan-Turner decided that a
conventional love story departure would be unrealistic, as he found
Adric virtually unlovable.  JST believed that killing off a companion
would add to the sense of vulnerability, and more importantly a surge
of ratings, that he and Saward were trying to bring to Doctor Who.

 Waterhouse himself was angry at his character's fate, refusing to speak
with Satan-Turner for two weeks after learning of the plans - this was a
somewhat empty gesture however as JST had stopped talking with Waterhouse
some three months previously. Waterhouse was deeply concerned because he
felt Adric's death would make it impossible for him to ever return to
Doctor Who; Satan-Turner placated Waterhouse by pointing out that the
Doctor could always encounter Adric at a time prior to his demise -
however immediately after making this assurance JST quickly added the
following line into the series bible -
"The Doctor must never encounter a dead companion as this would
release immense thetatron energy."

 Philip K. Dick made the appropriate modifications to The Enemy Within,
but neither Saward nor Satan-Turner were satisfied with the scripts
Philip K. Dick delivered.  Saward and Satan-Turner found that Dick's
works focused on "a deep uncertainty of reality" and were
"too impractical to bring to television" commenting "Honestly,
how am I suppose to depict the loss of sanity due to a confrontation
of a perfect android duplicate who can only speak in anagrams?".

When Satan-Turner asked for additional rewrites on June 11th, 1981,
Philip K. Dick refused unless he was allowed to have a sequence in
which the Doctor connects to the matrix to share his emotions in a
ritual important to an esoteric Time Lord religion. At this point,
Satan-Turner and Saward opted to abandon The Enemy Within completely
and just write a simple story about androids killing people.

Costume designer Dinah Collin was assigned the task of bringing the
Cybermen into the Eighties. Collin was given free range to design the
Cybermen as she wished, with one exception - John Satan-Turner insisted
that the Cybermen keep their "handlebars" as they reminded him of his
schoolhood playground.

 Borrowing an idea from an Australian soap opera, Satan-Turner opted to
air the closing credits without accompanying music. Instead of the usual
starfield, a static shot of Adric and the Cyberleader standing together,
embracing, both wearing trendy interlocking man symbol necklaces and
badges for mathematical excellence, was used.