An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Twenty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Serpents
Serial 6D - Snakedate -
In the dark corridors of infinite power, far beyond the edges of what
mere mortals call reality, is a kitten of unimaginable power.
This kitten, known formally as the God of Chaos, has called upon the
lesser civilization of the Time Lords to fulfill a cosmic destiny.
Covertly the Time Lords direct the Doctor and company to the planet
Manussa. On the planet Manussa they make it clear to the Doctor,
while he is separated from his companions, that he must over look
the evil of the Mara and try to reconcile their differences.
The Time Lords realise that a political marriage between the
Time Lord president and one of the ancient gods of darkness would really
be a boost to their status in the next meeting of the "Nearly Immortal
God-like Aliens Society".
The Doctor tries to avoid the situation by claiming that he has
no way of knowing how to even contact the Mara after all this time
has passed between them. Unfortunately for the Doctor, the Time Lords
have foreseen this and are able to provide him with the address to
the Mara's "secret apartment lair". The Doctor asks how he can be
SURE this is REALLY the Mara's carefully concealed hiding place,
but the Time Lords assure him it will be obvious.
The Doctor strides out into the main city of Manussa, Really New York,
unsure of what adventure lies ahead. Upon his arrival he meets a
landlord and his son, Lon, who have been trying to evict the Mara
from their apartment building for over 500 years. The legal case
against the Mara has become so complex and laden with paperwork that
Ambril, the Director of Historical Research, has to work full time to
maintain the libraries now solely dedicated to the squatting case.
The Doctor uses the distraction of a complex ceremony that the locals
have developed over the past 5 centuries, to sneak into the apartment
armed only with a dozen roses and a bottle of cheap wine. In the
time honoured tradition of their courtship - the Mara makes a
half-hearted attempt to kill him.
Retreating away from his ex, the Doctor meets up with Tegan. Tegan
has been having dreams of a disturbing nature involving his previous
incarnation and Adric. The Doctor tries to soothe Tegan, telling her
that after her stint as a Amsterdam call girl, such dreams are perfectly
normal and will fade with time. Tegan however does not take this so
lightly. She is terrified that the dreams might never cease. She begs
the Doctor for a cure. As one might expect, the Doctor has all the
components to create a dream-inhibiting device in his pockets. He
places the device on Tegan, and apologises for the Hello Kitty sticker
on the Alpha Wave Descrambler. As it turns out this part was salvaged
from a Hello Kitty Dream Suppression Machine that was briefly available
on 21st century earth.
Tegan strides forward into Really New York with a sense of sanity
and calm restored to her. However, when she reaches it's Red Light
District the device is overloaded from her neural impulses and explodes.
The homoerotic images come fast and furious and her mind snaps.
Dazed, she enters a smoky gentlemen's club, an act that triggers the
stripper within her, enabling her to finally come into possession
of some local currency.
Meanwhile, the Doctor tries to figure out a new approach to dealing
with the Mara. He doesn't want to meet the Mara face to face so soon
after it's initial bad reaction to him, and he can't even handle a
phone conversation. As a safer alternative, he texts the Mara
"R U OK? C u 2nite @ 7 ok?"
Within a few moments the Doctor receives the reply "k", and knows
that his chances are still open. At 7pm he returns, and after
careful consideration that this is a date with a dark god of
unspeakable evil, he brings 13 wilting black roses and a bottle of
True Value Gin.
After a rocky start, the conversation and gin begin to flow more
freely. The Doctor wonders if perhaps he was too quick to judge
The Mara, and considers settling down to a life of unrelenting
Sadly, before their love and future can be cemented, Tegan wanders
into the middle of the date - and in a drunken, jealous rage she
rips the Mara into a million jillion pieces with her bare hands.
Even a dark god from before the beginning of time isn't a match
for a pissed off and possessive Tegan fueled by a confusing stream of
lust, desire, and Schnapps.
Somewhere, slightly beyond the veil of what we would understand
as reality - a kitten is mildly annoyed.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who & The Date From Hell
Godzilla Versus Snakera
Dr Who Luv: TXT YOR WAY IN2 HER PANTS
In the original script the God of Chaos was described as
"A sleek feline killing machine". How this got translated into
a ginger kitten, I'll never know.
Why is the Doctor willing to obey the time lords? Is there
some surreal temporal black mail going on here?
"Don't be embarrassed by how it looks. The Hello Kitty sticker will
probably even enhance it's neuro-static translative block properties!"
Links and References -
Adric and the 4th Doctor are repeatedly mentioned by Tegan who,
overall, seems to be having a rather rough time of it. It is unclear
if these "dreams" are of her own demented psyche or have some actual
basis in her repressed memories.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor tries to remind the Mara of their simpler, more loving
times - such as the time they spent a summer backpacking across a
nearby parallel dimension.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Several cut scenes featuring the more graphic moments of Tegan's dreams.
I haven't watched these yet. In fact I've been too terrified to put
the DVD into my player.
Dialogue Disasters -
Dojjen: Fear is the only poison.
Doctor: What about arsenic?
Dojjen: Oh yeah. Well. There is that.
Doctor: Wait! Are you telling me you've pulled my companions and
myself out of time at a potentially dangerous moment in the
dematerialization process -- Because you want to set me up
on a date with a snake god of unbelievable evil?
Time Lord: Yup. That's the gist of it.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: Dreams are important... never underestimate them.
Tegan: Not these dreams Doctor! OH GOD! If only you saw what
you were doing with your scarf!
The Mara: I offer you fear in a handful of dust.
Doctor: Well..thank you. But tea will be fine.
Viewer Quotes -
"A rich vein of ideas and imagination netted together by
a paper mache snake." - Tim Dowson (1984)
"This adventure featured a big hat with lots of heads on it.
We need more of that sort of thing in Science Fiction."
- Slightly Off Kilter Fan Review Monthly (March 1983)
"I contacted the BBC, as I had been working on my masterpiece.
Slaving away for a good decade on an awesome story that would
totally revolutionize Doctor Who. Just before I sent the script
in I was crushed to see Snakedate. I had literally just spent
ten years perfecting my script in which the Time Lords force the
Doctor to go on a blind date with a Quirk. I was sure that I had
crafted the adventure that would return the Quirks to television.
The script was actually still being written with Doctor Who number
three in mind. But I was hoping no one would notice. I mean, Tegan
is much like Sarah Jane Smith. And both Doctors drive cars."
- The Creator of the Quirks (1990)
"Snakes always reminded me of Satan. That's why I keep them as
pets. Scares the hell of the kids when I let my boa, Razor, squeeze
them a bit." - Father James O' Maley (1983)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"The Black Roses were a good idea. But take it from me - the only
thing those dark gods from before the beginning of forever want to
drink is fresh, comforting Kentucky Bourbon. That's why I always
keep a supply ready in my bath tub."
Peter Davison Speaks!
"This was a great chance for Janet to do a lot of evil acting.
She was always great at that. This story was written to explain
what we were thinking when we made Kinda'. So if Kinda' was
Buddhism Extreme, Snakedate was Buddhism Light with a twist of lemon."
Matthew Waterhouse Speaks!
"Snakedate was really a disappointment. They didn't call me back
for the Adric love scenes. I can't recall which actor they used for
the part. Just some anonymous guy in bad pajamas. I guess I'm
glad that they chose that option at least. I heard rumors they
were going to get some kind of chimp to play Adric. It was all suppose
to be a dream so they thought it would work. Make it more surreal.
But I guess there's some things even Tom Baker won't do with a monkey."
Rumors & Facts -
A couple of weeks prior to the start of production on Snakedate, on
March 18th, 1982, series star Peter Davison was asked to film what he
believed was a promotional trailer for Australian television. In fact,
this was a ruse. In reality, when Davison arrived on location, he was
surprised to find Matthew Waterhouse, Sarah Sutton and Janet Fielding
already there in full costume -- and even more surprised to discover
they were there to beat him senseless.
What exact evil Davison had committed to drive his co-workers to
this act is complete speculation - but according to my inside sources
Waterhouse, Sutton, and Fielding had been told that Davison was
instrumental in the designs of their costumes. Apparently they
learned this when JST mentioned that he gave full companion design
privileges to the newly incoming Doctor.
It is unclear if JST was being honest or merely thought of a clever
lie to avoid being lured into a dark alley and beaten about the head
with a broken bottle.
Apparently, when Davison learned of the trio's motives, he forgave
them entirely for any wrong doing and dropped the issue.
It was after this unfortunate incident that JST relented,
allowing both Fielding and Sutton to vary their wardrobe.