An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

The One Hundred and Thirty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Absinthe

Serial 6H - Entitlement -

 Aboard the TARDIS, the Doctor is tending to his stab wound, while
Tegan complains loudly about what a complete psychopath Turlough is.
The Doctor tries to calm Tegan and assure her that when you've travelled
with aliens for as long as he has a little stabbing is to be expected.
The Doctor recounts how one of his very favourite travelling companions
stabbed him repeatedly with his Sgian Dubh whenever he felt the Doctor
was being "too English".

 In an attempt to calm and amuse his travelling companions the
Doctor decides to stowaway on an Edwardian sailing ship.  At first
the companions believe themselves to be in earth's past, until
the Doctor explains that a supra-advanced race of eternal beings,
who have creatively decided to name themselves - The Eternals,
are racing throughout the entire length of the universe in
primitive earth sailing vessels.   Tegan and Turlough are, of
course, incredulous when offered this information but the
Doctor kindly explains that infinite, immortal, indestructible
beings all eventually go a bit potty.

 When his companions ask if he himself might be considered an
infinite, immortal, indestructible being -- The Doctor quickly
changes the subject.

 The Doctor explains that the Eternals, despite being insanely
intelligent, are incredibly dull dinner guests, terribly rude,
and have no imaginations.

  Tegan and Turlough sense the Doctor's deep knowledge and general
dislike of the Eternals, and ask him if the Time Lords ever arranged
an unhappy love affair between himself and an Eternal.  Once again,
the Doctor coughs loudly, and changes the subject.

 Meanwhile Turlough is unable to fulfil his bargain with the Black
Guardian, as he cannot find a knife that will retain it's sharpness
through the 9 murders he would need to commit to complete the
Doctor's cycles of regenerations.  He attempts to rig the ship
with explosives -- and then realises that he would die as well,
and would therefore be unable to cash in on the fabulous prizes
the Black Guardian had offered.

 Turlough is eventually left with no other options but to resort
to placing banana peels in very precarious parts of the ship.
Sadly for Turlough this plan does not manage to kill the Doctor,
nor injure the Doctor, nor even give the Doctor a slight headache
pondering where one finds dozens of banana peels in an Edwardian
sailing ship in deep space.

 The Doctor is, in fact, too busy being belittled by Eternals.
The Doctor tries and fails to come up with witty retorts that
he vainly hopes would undermine the vastly superior cognitive
abilities of the god-like aliens.  This interchange between
the Doctor and the immortals finally annoys Tegan so much that
she kicks the crap out of the Eternals - finding that while
their mental capabilities set them amoungst the highest of the
gods - they are still susceptible to the strategic placement of
her knee in the vicinity of their groinal regions.

 The Black Guardian arrives on the vessel and offers the Doctor
a prize, in the form of a giant diamond - he offers the Doctor
what he is TRULY entitled to from the universe.  The Doctor
refuses, stating that NO ONE should be forced to endure that.
Then the Black Guardian offers Turlough his entitlement.

 To everyone's uniform surprise and confusion Turlough EATS
the diamond of entitlement -- and not much happens.  The Black
Guardian is completely thrown as he is used to people clutching
onto the diamond, staring deep into it's shining facets, and becoming
absorbed in a horrific release of energy.  No one has ever just gone
off and swallowed it whole before.

 The Doctor demands to know what will become of his young companion,
but the Black Guardian just stands there beside himself.  In a rather
disturbing line the Black Guardian says "We will see what will
become of the diamond -- umm -- In the fullness of time."

 The Black Guardian disappears and Turlough asks the Doctor if they
can get a curry takeaway.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who - In An Exciting Adventure At the Tattoo Parlour
Doctor Who: I Was A Teenage Love Zombie
Turlough & The Fanwank Dilemma

Goofs -
 In certain scenes in episode 3, the Doctor is wearing a trendy
"fish bones" earring in his right ear - which completely screws

Fashion Victims -
Tegan's wardrobe from this episode was recently worn by a
charity group in Didcot in hopes that it would spread awareness
of the fashion atrocities perpetrated against the English public
during the 1980s.

Technobabble -
Onboard the sailing vessel -

"The neutron-wrangler navigation computer has crashed!
Right, we'll just have to use the wheel."

Links and References -
This story follows on IMMEDIATELY after the events of Terminal.
When Tegan informs the Doctor of Nyssa's stated intention of
finding the cure for death, the Doctor looks exasperated and
tells Tegan that he has the cure just laying around in the TARDIS
medicine cabinet.
 When Tegan asks WHY THEN he didn't use that when Adric died,
the Doctor coughs slightly and changes the subject.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor recounts the time Jamie McCrimmon stabbed him for a laugh
while they were escaping from a race of hyper-intelligent penguins.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The heart warming music video documentary "40 Years of Time Travel
and Stab Wounds"

Dialogue Disasters -

 Tegan: Resistance is futile!

Doctor: I'm sorry, I'm just not in the mood.  I *have* been
        stabbed recently you know?

 Tegan: I'm envious.

 Tegan: Doctor!  You're completely heartless and insane!
        He's just stabbed you and stabbed Nyssa to death!

Doctor: Well, you're playing chess with him!


Eternal: Superior beings do not punish inferiors... We use them...

 Doctor: Oh yes, well, my first self was into S&M, so umm if you'd
         like to meet up with him he'd be very pleased.  And, umm,
         if you wouldn't mind, I could sit in the corner -- be
         VERY QUIET.

Eternal: Sounds kinky.

 Doctor: I have a stab wound.  Does that do anything for you?


Dialogue Triumphs -


Eternal: You are not an Ephemeral. You are a... a time dweller.
         You travel in time.

 Doctor: Yes, that's right!

Eternal: How terribly common.


Eternal: Are there lords in such a small domain?

 Doctor: Well, umm..I like to think of it as, average....
         OH!! WAIT!!  Are you talking about TIME??

 Doctor: Tell me honestly.  What did you think of the date
         the time lords set us up on?

Eternal: Eternity... an endless waste of eternity.


Viewer Quotes -

"Entitlement was the one story in the twentieth season that I could
watch. There have not been many stories from Doctor Who I could make
that comment about."  - Ann Coble (June 1983)

"Was this story based on a famous philosopher?  I KANT imagine who!"
              - A self-absorbed wanker (1994)

"My girlfriend, who isn't a fan, spotted that, in the first scene,
where Turlough and Tegan are playing chess, Tegan is playing white
and Turlough is stealing her checkbook! Simple, but neat.
I was impressed!"   - Dan Smythe (1996)

"I hate children!" - Father James O'Maley (1983)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"My pal Gandalf says that this story rules.  But I only have
a PAL copy and I don't have a television since I gambled away
the last one.  So, Umm, I haven't seen it.  Just tried to
vividly imagine it by reading bitchy reviews on usenet while
dropping acid."

Peter Davison Speaks!
"This story is very strange.  I never got the grip of it.
I remember something about grown men with ducks on their heads.
I'm sure if I paid attention, I could have made something of it.
I think one of the stage hands licked me.  And whenever someone
on the sets licks me, it just throws me for months.  Makes me
even more removed from events on set than usual.  And, in
this case, physically I was in the studio shooting the story,
but MENTALLY I was somewhere in Brazil drinking a margarita and
listening to salsa music."

Rumors & Facts -

 Mark Strickson had informed JST that he was a serious actor and
would only agree to portraying Turlough if he was allowed to
completely immerse himself in the character - up to and including
the actual murder of Peter Davison.  JST agreed to this, apparently
under the opinion that if something tragic were to happen on set
he could always get a new Doctor.

 Luckily, the conclusion of the trilogy did not call for a death
scene for The Doctor, but Davison apparently had quite a shock
at the end of Terminal when he was viciously stabbed by Strickson.
In future interviews Davison would laugh off this incident by
exclaiming "Actors!" and raising his eyeballs dismissively.