King John Cutaway

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

The One Hundred and Thirty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Robbie

Serial 6J - King John Cutaway -

 The date is 4th March 1215, the place England, the historical
event to be explored - plainly obvious.

 The TARDIS crew meet King John. The King immediately recognises
the Doctor and knows him by the name "The Demon".

 Turlough and Tegan can't help but chuckle at this nickname and
they are reduced to tears of laughter when the Doctor stands up
straight and demands the he looks "really bad ass in this body".

 Soon after this nickname embarrassment the Doctor meets up with
his arch-enemy - THE BASTARD!

 When the Doctor confronts the Bastard and demands to know his
purpose for being on earth during this time period the Bastard
begins an incredibly over-the-top gloat.  With an insane fervor
the Bastard reveals a plan to prevent the signing of the Magna
Carta, thus unravelling the genesis of modern democracy from
the human race.

 The Doctor asks the Bastard if this plan isn't -- incredibly lame.
The Bastard refutes the Doctor claiming that this plot will give
him power undreamed of, setting him amoungst the gods of time.

 The Doctor quickly finds Tegan and Turlough and expresses his
concern -

 "The Bastard is obviously learning from his mistakes."

 "Why do you say that?"

 "He just spent 15 minutes gloating that if he prevents the signing
of the Magna Carta he will become an unstoppable force of global

 "Ummm..what??  I mean, forgive me if I'm missing something Doctor,
but that plan sounds -- unlikely and very stupid."

 "OF COURSE IT DOES!  Look.  The Bastard usually gloats at length,
giving me all the details of his plan far in advance - thus allowing
me ample time to seek out the weaknesses and foil everything at the
last possible moment.  BUT THIS time --- Well, he's completely
INVENTED a stupid plot to throw me off.  While, deep down, he's
keeping close to his chest a secret ploy that will assure him
ultimate power."

 "Are you sure??  I mean.  Maybe he's just a moron."

 "No, the Bastard isn't stupid.  We MUST discover his true plans
and defeat him!"

 The Doctor investigates King John, who is constantly sitting on
his throne, and discovers he is in reality a shape-shifting android
known as Kamelion.   The presence of a shape-shifting android convinces
the Doctor even further that there is a subtle network of plans at
work, which he will have to peel back layer by layer.  He decides to
name the Bastard's newest ploy - "The Onion Conspiracy".

 Sharing his ideas with Tegan and Turlough the Doctor concludes that
the Bastard has taken back his Professor Moriarity-type intelligence.
This places him firmly in a battle of wits for control the universe.

 The Doctor returns to the castle to sabotage Kamelion and expose
the impostor.  When he arrives in the throne room he discovers that
the android is already fairly badly built and designed and he can't
think of a way to make it any worse.

 The Bastard arrives, interrupting the Doctor's investigations of
the device.  The Doctor tries to compliment the Bastard for holding
his true objectives so close to the belt -- hoping that the praises
will fill his ego and encourage him to spill the beans.

 The Bastard tells the Doctor that he designed Kamelion to be
so poorly constructed that it could not even grasp a quill - thus
making it appear as if King John COULDN'T sign the Magna Carta.
The Bastard then threatens the Doctor's life and orders Kamelion
to kill him...but other than a slight stirring of the head - Kamelion
shows no response.

 Eventually the Doctor decides to physically pick up Kamelion
and drag him into the TARDIS.

 Once behind the TARDIS doors the Doctor approaches his nemesis
and demands to know why he is here in 1215.

 The Bastard bursts into tears and insists that he's been telling
the truth the entire time.  And now that his replica of King John
has been captured he will be unable to complete his objective.

 The Doctor finally BELIEVES the Bastard..but it doesn't make
any sense to him.  The Bastard wipes his face with a handkerchief,
walks into his TARDIS and picks up a copy of "Evil Plots For Dummies"
and turns to page 2.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who - Revenge of the Nazi School Girls (Canada Only)
Bastard! - 25 Years of Evil
Kamelion, The Robot Who Couldn't

Goofs -
Due to a misunderstanding in the prop department, The Bastard's
dungeon lair has an Iron Maiden record and NOT a proper Iron Maiden.

Fashion Victims -
The sad scene in which the Doctor desperately tries to prove
that he WOULD look bad ass in a torn Sex Pistols t-shirt and
a bulky leather jacket.

Technobabble -

Doctor (Inspecting Kamelion):
"My god! The sonic ambulator is held on with duct tape!"

Links and References -
After seeing Kamelion attempt to walk part of the way to the TARDIS
the Doctor comments - "And I thought K-9 was bad on loose shale!"

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Bastard mentions that he used only the finest parts from
Radio Shack to construct Kamelion.  He also hints that Kamelion
can be made to look like the Ziggy Stardust David Bowie -- but he's
never been brave enough to operate that feature.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A special commentary track with Ardal O'Hanlon, Albert Einstein,
and Adolf Hitler, moderated by Gary Russell.

Dialogue Disasters -


 Bastard: Once I figure out how to make this damned robot
          move, YOU WILL DIE DOCTOR!

Dialogue Triumphs -


Randulf: He is said to be the best swordsman in England.

 Doctor: Well, fortunately, we are in London.

Randulf: London IS in England.  In fact it's the capital.

 Doctor: Oh, yes.  Well in that case, I'd best run away screaming now.


Bastard: Oh my dear Doctor, you're mind is so simple.  You are so
         honest and trusting.  You can not see how the mere prevention
         of the signing of the Magna Carta will establish me as the
         most powerful being in the universe!

 Doctor: Actually, it does escape me.

Bastard: HA!

 Doctor: Could you explain it to me?

Bastard: HA! OF COURSE, Yes...*fake cough* It's all quite simple.
         *cough* So Doctor.  Ever been to the Lake District?
         I hear it's just lovely.

 Doctor: You're changing the subject!

Bastard: Yes....YES!  I AM!  And I have a damned evil reason for it
         to!  SO ANSWER ME DOCTOR!!  Before die -- HAVE YOU BEEN
         TO THE LAKE DISTRICT?  And if so, could you recommend any
         nice hotels?


 Tegan: Look at the size of that bed.

Doctor: Another way of keeping warm...

 Tegan (licking her lips with a devious smile): Do you need
       assistance, keeping warm Doctor?

Doctor: No, my body temperature is self-regulating.  Good night!

(leaves the room, slams door)

 Tegan: Bastard!

(A dark entity emerges into the room)

Bastard: Yes my dear?

  Tegan: OH NO!!  NOT YOU!!!  GET AWAY FROM ME!!  You're evil!

Bastard: My dear.  I have no intention of hurting you.  Quite
         the opposite in fact.  Wink wink, nudge nudge -- as you
         humans say.

  Tegan: But you're the Doctor's arch-rival.  If I slept with you...

Bastard: If you slept with me, the Doctor would be devastated.
         Quite literally devastated...

  Tegan: DAMN!  Oh, alright.  But just for revenge.

Bastard: Agreed.


Viewer Quotes -

"So you think this episode illustrates the illogical paradox
of time travel Albert, and YOU think that this show illustrates
the superiority of the Aryan race, Mr. Hitler....WOW!  And all
this time I thought it was about shape-shifting robots trying
to breakdance!"  - Ardal O'Hanlon, DVD commentary track

"So, like.  I'm TOTALLY confused.  Was the Bastard REALLY just
there to stop the Magna Carta signing...or was he just there to
shag Tegan and he needed to delay the Doctor from leaving?"
               - Charles Daniels (2004)

"The Bastard has obviously been shoe-horned into this story, as he
doesn't belong in it at all.  He's got nothing to do in this story
and the rather feeble rationale offered for his presence is so highly
unconvincing that even the other characters don't believe it. Why
should the Bastard be interested in preventing the signing of the
Magna Carta? Even the Doctor is moved to comment that this is the
stupidest damned idea he's ever heard of.  And these scenes with
the Doctor and companions trying to figure out what the Bastard
must REALLY be up to is nothing more than an on-screen admission
that the story is crap."  - John Dafoe (1990)

"They never let me say this at church.  But deep down,
I sort of think it's possible that Christ was a robot."
               - Father James O' Maley (1983)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I signed the Magna Carter once.  But then the damn police wrestled
me to the ground.  Damned museum. So what if I soiled some 800 year
old parchment with my disposable blue pen -- I'm history now baby!"

Peter Davison Speaks!

"This story was great.  We killed Michael Jackson.  It was a laugh
riot beginning to end."

Peter Davsion Speaks About JST -

 "He's really very, very awesome.  A great guy.  Because, unlike
some producers, he's there all the time.  He's at every day's filming,
every day's studio recording, every day's rehearsal, he's there at
your costume fitting and make up, and he's there when you're shagging
your wife, sitting in the corner taking pictures.  That's the way he
wants to operate, as total overlord of everything.  But I did find
his criticism off putting sometimes - especially when he asked me
to move to get a better camera angle or because there wasn't
a good enough light source in that part of the bedroom."

Rumors & Facts -

 JST hired Richard Gregory to be an effects designer for Doctor Who
on the sole condition that Richard never say the word "Imagineering"
ever again.  Richard agreed, however in an act of what some people
claim was intentional revenge and show sabotage, he informed JST
of a "bitchin' realistic robot" which could be hired out to Doctor
Who for half of it's entire budget.

 The robot could mime speech along to prerecorded dialogue.  The team
who built it were also working on perfecting a system that would allow
the robot to nod it's head and possibly move a finger or two.

 In late November, Richard gave a demonstration of the robot prototype
for Satan-Turner and Saward. The producer was offered copious amounts
of alcohol and LSD, and during a fabulous trip he imagined that the
robot could break dance, quote Shakespeare, and do somersaults.
Based on this experience he demanded a storyline to introduce the

 This decision was met with disapproval by Saward, who was not a fan of
the robot, as he had stayed sober during the entire meeting.

 In addition to introducing the robot in a two-part serial, JST
insisted that the story should bring back The Bastard.  Saward
disputed this, believing character to be inferior. JST insisted,
remarking that the idea had come to him in a freakish drug induced
nightmare - and he made it a policy to follow such things.

 In order to show off his belief, Saward recommended a story
in which the Bastard tries to prevent the signing of the Magna
Carta.  At first everyone seemed reluctant, but Saward explained
that this would allow King John to be a robot in disguise...and
somehow this lame story twist appealed to people.

 As far as I can tell the 2 episodes were scripted in about
15 minutes and filming began almost immediately.  The filming
turned out to be a complete disaster - it turns out that Kamelion's
operating software was a pirated application from communist Russia
and the commands had to be entered using a complex cyrillic alphabet
keyboard.  The robot's walking mechanism was virtually non-existent
and it took approximately three-weeks of intense programming to
get the robot to mouth the word "apple".  When it later turned out
that the word "apple" was never said by the robot in the script,
three weeks of programming work went out the window.  Furthermore,
Kamelion constantly broke down and lost synchronisation with Flood's
prerecorded dialogue.

 Some people have claimed that Season 20 is an uneven season.
Just how uneven was season 20?  I liken it to the streets of
San Franciso or the steep hill of Lincoln, England.

 Viewing levels dropped down sharply during Season Twenty -- part one
of The King's Demons, in fact, scored the lowest ratings on BBC
since the failed sitcom "The Robot In Mrs. Jones".   Season 20
offered a completely aimless and unlikely trilogy of the Doctor's
happy go lucky adventures with an alien psychopath out to kill him,
it gave us a story in which our time lord hero was beaten with a
rubber chicken, and offered us a robot which, apparently, was able to
blink in one scene.

 There have been several theories as to why the story quality was
as it was.  Some people blame the internal conflicts with BBC
management, other point to the constant labour strikes which hurt
the recording time available, and many others blame JST like some
magic bogeyman of crap.   My theory is much more simple --
It was the 80s.