Mammaries of Fire
An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Thirty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Video Killed The Radio Star
Serial 6Q - Mammaries of Fire -
On Isla de Lanzarote on Earth, spunky American MTV VJ Perpegilium
Brown is hosting one of the very first "Girls Gone Wild" shows -
available in VHS, Betamax, and Super 8!
While working in the Canary Islands Peri finds time to interview
stars such as Rick James about their innermost feelings as she
wears a skimpy bikini and drinks j-ello shots.
Meanwhile, onboard the TARDIS, the Doctor explains to Turlough
that they need a new female companion. Turlough agrees but thinks
it is highly doubtful they will be able to find anyone as strange
and sexually twisted as Tegan or Nyssa.
With a gleam in his eye the Doctor produces an ancient Betamax
cassette video tape of "Girls Gone Wild - Lanzarote" and places it in
the console. The Doctor operates a complex sequence of switch
throwing and button presses, and the tape DOES roll. However the
scanner screen is filled only with static. The tape apparently has
been played so often, it's lost it's signal. The Doctor, red with
embarrassment explains -
"That tape holds..well, held..the answer! I used the TARDIS
circuits some centuries ago to work out the precise weekend this
programme was originally recorded. Using the position of the sun
in same random frames AND the copyright date on the original packaging.
So that is probably why the signal was lost on the tape and why
the original packaging is pretty much marred beyond recognition."
Turlough questions the Doctor, saying that even if they KNOW the
exact moment to pick this lady up -- how would the TARDIS ever
reliably get them there?
The Doctor replies that he made SURE that the Isle of Lanzarote
on that particular weekend would be the one place he can be sure of
reaching, since he hardwired the coordinates into the TARDIS memory
banks -- for just such an emergency.
The two men arrive on Lanzarote, have a brief conversation with
Nina Blackwood and Martha Quinn, before the Doctor points out who
he's come here for -
"Over there Turlough! The one with all the make-up!!" Started the
Doctor. "NO!! NO! NOT RICK JAMES! THE GIRL!!!"
Turlough and the Doctor abduct the young VJ, Peri Brown, and
immediately set off in the TARDIS. As the TARDIS disappears
Rick James stares on in amazement, before writing off the entire
event as merely the power of cocaine.
Once in the TARDIS Turlough notices that Peri has a tattoo on
her thigh EXACTLY like one on his arm.
Before the Doctor and Turlough can explain the situation and
calm her down, Kamelion becomes possessed by Peri's subconscious
mind and assumes the appearance of Rick James.
"So wait! You're telling me that I've been abducted by aliens
and Rick James, and taken aboard a time travelling UFO?"
"Well, nothing quite that unusual." Assured the Doctor. "It's
just a robot that looks eerily LIKE Rick James."
Unfortunately, Kamelion also mimics all the traits of Rick James
as he learns of them from Peri's subconscious mind - so he begins
to pilot the TARDIS like a coke fiend.
The TARDIS eventually ends up on the planet Sarn, where the planet's
people are split into two factions: those who worship the local
volcano, and those who believe that the former group are a bunch
of morons. There is actually a tiny faction who don't know if they
believe the volcano is really there or not - but they are fairly
tiny, being midgets.
For some reason, the Bastard is also here. This isn't explained,
so let's just go along with it.
The Bastard tries to possess Kamelion, but this results only in
a surreal battle of minds between the Bastard and Rick James.
During the mind lock both sides learn the plans of the other.
The Bastard learns of the proximity of the infamous missing 80s
VJ, Peri, and Kamelion-Rick James learns of a mysterious blue
flame that the Bastard seeks control over.
Then, for no apparent reason, Turlough reveals that he is from the
planet Trion. Turlough refused to worship a small goat on Trion
and also refused the alternative - worshipping a volcano on Sarn.
Turlough explains that his current religious orientation is
"diagnostic" as he doubts the existence of two gods.
As punishment for his non-goat, anti-volcano views, he was sent in
exile to a public school on Earth. Apparently the worst punishment
space beings can imagine.
Turlough uses the technology of the planet Sarn to contact his
homeworld Trion, and speak with his long lost family. After making
contact he discovers his exile has been rescinded -- the goat was
completely discredited in a recent inquisition.
Kamelion-Rick James meanwhile approaches the magical blue flame
encased in stone, believing it to be nature's ultimate crack pipe.
He is beaten to the punch however as the Bastard pushes him aside
and jumps into the blaze.
Inside the conflagration the Bastard seems to grow in power until
he is completely subsumed. The blast from the fire knocks Kamelion
to his feet, his chameleonic transmogrification unit is smashed.
For some reason, at the last possible moment, Kamelion assumed and
is now forever stuck in the form of Adric.
Kamelion begs the Doctor to kill him, rather than live out
eternity as Adric. The Doctor fly kicks Kamelion into the flames.
The fire turns orange, burning him to death.
A spaceship from Trion arrives to return Turlough to his home planet,
while Peri joins the Doctor in the TARDIS.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Bikini Showdown - The Girls of Lanzarote Gone Wild
Doctor Who & The Super Freak
An Academic Look At The Babes of Science Fiction, Volume B
Peri is clothed
Fashion Victims -
This story is from the 80s! Do I even NEED to start the long
painful list of everything wrong in this story?
Links and References -
Kamelion takes the form and personality of Adric from the
Doctor's tortured subconscious mind.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor admits that all his previous attempts to fly kick the
real Adric to certain death were all foiled at the last possible
Groovy DVD Extras -
What else!? The ORIGINAL Girls Gone Wild - Lanzarote.
Unfortunately this was taken off a Betamax copy found in
Peter Davison's own collection -- so the picture quality
Dialogue Disasters -
Peri: Elton John, why are you so damned butch?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Bastard: I am the BASTARD - you will obey me!
Peri: Oh god! Not another bondage freak.
(In a quiet moment with the Bastard)
Peri: It's just like the Doctor's.
Bastard: And infinitely bigger.
Turlough: I don't want to go, Doctor. I've learnt a lot from you.
Doctor: Surely, nothing you could prove in court.
Viewer Quotes -
"You'd think that a story which had to include location shooting,
introduce a new companion, showcase a recurring villain, reveal a
companion's complete backstory and life history, kill a failed
companion off, kill off a classic villain, and also write out a
companion in a heart touching farewell, would be an overloaded
piece of crap. And you'd be right!"
- David Roberts (1984)
"This story could have been an awesome 1 parter. If you cut out
all the padding and gratuitious nonsense, you'd have about 15
minutes of good story. You could then re-pad out the remaining
10 minutes with lots of bikini shots in Lanzarote. This whole thing
could have been done in 25 minutes. In fact if you just explain
that Turlough was from Lanzarote in the first place -- you could
fit in another 3 minutes bikini time!"
- Some guy who edits his own versions of Doctor Who stories (2003)
"I don't know how many times this series is going to let us
watch Adric die...but I just HOPE this isn't the last time.
This series just gets better and better!"
- Audience Appreciation Survey (1984)
"BIKINIS!!" - Father James O'Maley (1984)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Worshipping volcanoes or worshipping goats..stupid. Just stupid.
I WORSHIP A GOAT VOLCANO! It erupts REAL MOLTEN GOATS! I've
got it in my basement, wanna see? I just need some baking soda."
Peter Davison Speaks!
"The last two stories I did have a lot of 'acting' going on.
Much more than the others. That made it challenging.
Still, when I saw Nicola Bryant for the first time, I was
very excited. And when I learned we would be filming in
Lanzarote to make her up as some American bimbo bikini girl...
I think the term is - 'severely dehydrated'."
Nicola Bryant Speaks!
"I got my job on Doctor Who through my agent. Well, he wasn't
my agent back then. He was just some creepy guy living in the
back of an Aston Martin. Anyway, imagine my surprise when I
found out he was Tom Baker! Tom Baker apparently still had some
connections, or blackmail material, or something against the entire
Doctor Who production staff -- so I got the job on his insistence.
I've really been thrilled with Tom since he pulled all those strings
to get me the role. The only really unpleasant thing about doing the
show is...filming in the English weather! In the rain, and the cold,
when you're dressed like some Spanish hooker, but freezing to death."
Rumors & Facts -
The Doctor Who production staff knew one thing -- Kamelion had to
die. The prop had joined the TARDIS crew the year before and then
gone essentially unused - at one point "Ripley's Believe It Or Not!"
arrived, unannounced, on the set to feature a story on the world's
"least reliable" mechanical invention. This was shortly after
the Guinness World Book of Records included Kamelion as "The Most
Crashes Ever Suffered By Any Computer" beating out even 8086s trying
to run Windows.
JST, secretly hating Peter Grimwade - asked him to script a story
which featured the exit of Turlough, the introduction of a new
companion named Perpegilium, and the return and believable death
of The Bastard. When Grimwade turned in a workable draft, JST
was enraged and then insisted that Grimwade also set the story
in Lanzarote, have Kamelion turn into Rick James and Adric, and
script another death scene for Adric and a scene which "focuses
heavily on volcanoes".
Despite all these many demands, Grimwade managed to combine them
into a storyline, first called "John Satan-Turner Is A Total Bastard"
and then "JST, What a Total Plonker".
Grimwade also gained permission from Saward to allude to the Doctor
and the Bastard being husband and husband in an ancient time lord
marriage ritual, with the Bastard's final line as he is consumed by
the numismaton flames, scripted as "Doctor, I want you to keep my
wedding ring as a reminder of me..." This would ultimately be excised
in post-production, however.
Meanwhile, through May and June, auditions were held for the role of
Peri, using the character's first scene from Grimwade's script as a
test piece. Nicola Bryant, a novice actress and talented musician who
had just finished drama school, showed up to each audition accompanied
by Tom Baker holding a sign reading -
"Remember, I Still Have The Pictures."
It therefore came as no surprise when she landed the role.
Although British by birth, Bryant claimed to have heard American
accents on television.
When the Doctor Who production team questioned her experience
and appropriateness for the role - Nicola provided them with
tapes of her ample cabaret work. Which has been described as
"stunning, simply stunning."
Mark Strickson also left Doctor Who at this point, to pursue
his lifetime love of zoology.