The Phantom of Androzani

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Well, I was tossed off a pryamid when someone above me lost their footing,
but my leg is looking okay, and my knee is back to it's near original
size, so, time to kill the nice blonde one...

The One Hundred and Thirty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Celery

Serial 6R - The Phantom of Androzani -

 "I'll show you what a real spin around the universe can do for you
Peri!" Promised the young Doctor with an impish grin. "We'll go
visit a very old friend of mine Sharaz Jek.  I honestly can't
remember why I don't go and see him more often."

  The TARDIS spun through space on yet another exciting adventure...

 The Doctor and Peri arrive on the planet Androzani Minor, world
of violent mudburst caused by orbital chaos and insane temperature
fluctuations -- just the sort of place to go on holiday.

Exploring the nearby cave system, which is frequently FILLED with
molten mud in the planet's many storms, they find the gothic and
simple dwelling of one Sharaz Jek.

 Jek, long time friend of the Doctor, is a method actor of the
ultimate extreme.  Having come to Androzani Minor especially for
the violent mudbursts - he achieved his dream of being horrifically
disfigured, so he could completely subsume himself in the role
of the Phantom.  The actor lives each moment of his life, slaved
to his character.

 Over a charming, relaxing candle lit dinner of wine and song
Sharaz explains to the Doctor that he supplements his income by
selling giant bat shit, which apparently makes people immortal.
The Doctor and Peri are surprised and put off by the conversation,
but Sharaz continues to explain that he's built a race of killer
androids to protect his chemical longevity empire.

  After the dinner, Jek admits that he has become entranced with
the young MTV VJ, Miss Perpegilium Brown, and comments that she
would be the perfect Christine for his Phantom.  With a crazed
vengeance he then tells the Doctor that as Peri is Christine,
then the Doctor must be Raoul, his rival.

 Jek demands that his androids kill Raoul, but they stand there
motionless - they turn out to be badly programmed by a man named
Morgus, the corrupt leader of Ursa Major's Sirius Cybernetics
Corporation, and these androids are labelled "Kamelion Mark IV".

 "Three generations later and still the most useless androids in
the cosmos!" Muses the Doctor.

 Jek's sense of betrayal explodes.  Morgus has cheated him for
the last time, and now endangers his true love for Peri.
Jek decides that if he can not kill the Doctor, he must keep them
both his prisoner forever and to that end he ties them up in
special polycarbon bonds.

 Peri and the Doctor are tied end to end, trapped in a dark cave
on an alien world thousands of years in the future, the prisoner
of a madman, all hope seems lost...when at last the Doctor has
a flash --

 "OF COURSE!!  He's a psychotic madman!  That's why I don't visit
him more often!  YES!  That's it.  I knew it would come to me.
I really must remember that fact in future."

 But after this realisation their problems only worsen.  It
turns out that not only is Sharaz Jek an insane madman, but he
is also an incredibly shoddy chef.  The chicken he made was
obviously cleaned in a mudflow and now both the Doctor and Peri
have some futuristic alien salmonella.

 The Doctor explains their situation to Jek, who bursts into
screams of denial and starts to play moody tunes on his hammond
organ.  The Doctor is slowly succumbing to the salmonella, but
with a distracted Jek he manages to escape.  In a flash of
delusions he remembers something about alien bat milk being a
super penicillin.  The Doctor finds a conveniently located
Queen Bat and apparently still remembers the finer points of bat
milking from his previous life as Tristan Farnon.

 The Doctor carries Peri into the TARDIS and makes her drink the bat
milk at knife point -- because let's face it, we'd probably all
rather die.

 After saving Peri's life the Doctor collapses.  The camera zooms
on Peri's cleavage as the Doctor regenerates before her eyes...

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who - Blonde Boy Snuffs the Big One
Doctor Who, The Nude Years
Lonely Planets - Androzani Minor (Merriment, Mudbursts, and Mad Men)

Goofs -
In the underground cave system, Colin Baker can be clearly seen
gloating at the Doctor's distress.

Links and References -
During the regeneration, the Doctor is confronted by spinning ghostly
hallucinations of his previous companions, villains, and selves -

Tegan: What was that movie you liked, Doctor?  Braveheart.

Turlough: You mustn't die, Doctor.  Too many enemies would delight
          in your for starts.

Nyssa: Dammit Doctor!  Get off the floor and stop acting like a wuss!

Adric: Join me Doctor.  We could be together!  I love you Doctor!

4th Doctor: I AM THE WALRUS!

Bastard-(chuckling)...No my dear must DIE....
                      DIE DOCTOR...DIE DOCTOR!

1st Doctor: Excellent point my dear boy!  Die you selfless-bastard!

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor has apparently lead other young women to their deaths
at the hands of his old pal Sharaz Jek.  How he forgets this after
every encounter remains a mystery.....

Groovy DVD Extras -
A 30 second computer generated vista of the TARDIS sitting in
a snow field....and sits there, and nothing happens.

Dialogue Disasters -


Doctor: I tried to keep a diary once - not chronological, of course -
        but I kept trying to read it without my permission.  That's
        the problem with regeneration, how can you keep yourself to
        yourself?   I just got so tired of returning to my library
        to find myself reading my innermost thoughts and mocking me.


  Doctor: KNOCK! KNOCK!

Peri (Bored witless): Who's there?

 Doctor: YES!

 Sharaz: Your sense of humour will be the death of you, Doctor -
	 probably very soon.


Dialogue Triumphs -


  Peri: I thought you knew everything.

Doctor: I do!  Just not all at once!

  Peri: Doctor, why do you wear a stick of celery on your lapel?

Doctor: What's it to you?

  Peri: Just curious.

Doctor: Safety precaution. I'm allergic to certain gases in the
        praxis range of the spectrum.  If the gas is present, the
        celery turns purple.  Then, to protect myself, I eat the

  Peri: Does that work?

Doctor: Okay, I admit it -- I'm a bit of a nutter.


 Sharaz: We shall become the best of companions.

 Doctor: What do you say, Peri. We can go on nature walks, have
         picnics and jolly evenings round the camp fire.

 Sharaz: And we shall make Smores of unbelievable intensity!


Sharaz: You have the mouth of a prattling jackanapes... But your
        eyes... they tell a different story.  Like two shining
        jewels of loveliness, sparkling in the night.

 Doctor: Oh god!  Not that old line!


 Sharaz: Do you think I'm mad?


 Sharaz: I believe that I'm the Phantom of the Opera, that
         you are Christine, and that the Doctor is the opera
         house owner and your lover, Raoul.   And you don't think
         I'm mad?   Does that frighten you?   It frightens me!


(After the regeneration)

Peri: Doctor?

Doctor: You're expecting someone else?

Peri: I - I - I -

Doctor: Three I's in one breath - What about ME!? ME!? ME!!?
        You're not the only egotistical one around here young lady.

Peri: What's happened?

Doctor: Change, my dear - and I'm talking about my salary!


Viewer Quotes -

"The best story ever written ever.  Shakespeare is just a fraud!"
                - Typical Fanboy Opinion

"I remember the Sharaz Jek breakfast cereal.  It looked like
real Bat guano.  No idea why it didn't last."
                - Jim Wolverine (1994)

"This was Davison's best story.  The height of his entire era.
It's good that he died.  Because if Davison would have gone on
to do the sixth Doctor stories...I would have cried my eyes out."
                - Larry Benson (1990)

"I think it was very clever how they handled that regeneration.
Everyone is thinking 'OH GOD!! Stock footage AGAIN!' but it's
actually newly recorded footage, cleverly disguised as stock footage.
Very clever.  I was fooled."   - Janis Eros (2002)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"That Sharaz dude was crazy, thinking he was really the Phantom
of the Opera.  Silly.  I mean that's not even a real person.
Now ME!  I'm sane.  I'm Sweeney Todd!"

Peter Davison Speaks!
"My regeneration scene was quite different from that of my
predecessors.  The whole thing was meant to be shot in
'Cleavo-vision'.  I think they were giving out free 3D specs
in the Radio Times.
It was fabulous!  I was so liberated.  No one was looking directly
at me during the death scene, so I could ham it up, or play it
easy, do whatever I liked really because no one was paying attention.
After thinking about it for a few seconds, I decided to do the
death scene with sort of a bland indifference.  I felt that was
the best way to express how I'd seen the character during my tenure.
I wanted to stay very true to that, even in death.  The last thing
I needed was to burst out with some actual effort and give up the
game that I could have been interesting the entire time.
Best to just let it ride."

Rumors & Facts -

 It is well known that Peter Davison was wary of typecasting.
Apparently he was further encouraged to leave the role during
the filming of "The Four-And-A-Half Doctors" when reportedly
Patrick Troughton had said to him  - "When I say run!  RUN!!

 Later adding -

 "For god's sake man - RUN!  Don't become like Tom!"

 For this serial, many actors were approached to be Sharaz Jek -
Tim Curry, Mick Jagger, David Bowie, Mel Smith - but all had
unreasonable demands, such as payment.

  The filming of the regeneration scene was also plagued.
Colin Baker claimed that Davison's trousers would not fit his
portlier frame - Consequently, he insisted that he perform his
sequence with them unbuttoned -- which also afforded him the chance
to moon Davison's then-wife, Sandra Dickinson.

 Apparently, JST was pleased.

 And so was the graceless end to the Davison era.  Peter Davison
has garnered a hugely loyal audience, with his depictions of the
Doctor ranging from bland concern to bland indifference.
After the frantic, frenetic energy of Tom Baker, Davison provided
the series with a calming dose of 80s style valium, which it
desperately needed.

  Davison's popularly would continue long after his on screen
appearance as the Doctor - spawning dozens of questionable websites
devoted to estrogen, several missing adventure novelizations from
Virgin and the BBC, and of course several audio plays from Big
Finish Productions.

  He simply won't go away.