The Twin Double-D Lemma
An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Fortieth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Concrete Blonde
Serial 6S - The Twin Double-D Lemma -
The wondrous process of bodily regeneration is granted to the
Doctor. The change to his mind and body begin in his magical
chrysalis, the TARDIS. His new form opens like an intricate
series of flower peddles spreading into the warming sun. The
benefit of this process is renewed life, but on the other hand
the Doctor is now a complete loonbag.
Peri seeks emotional comfort after the shocking metamorphosis
of the Doctor - the Doctor brushes her off his shoulder, telling
her to stop being a baby. Peri asks how this could be the same
Doctor, seeing as how this new man is..SO MUCH BIGGER. The
Doctor explains that his regeneration energy used all the mass
of his previous body and then had to salvage from the surrounding
area for the rest of the material. Gleefully the Doctor chants -
"Luckily you were near enough by, I simply absorbed your soul!"
Peri bursts into tears, the Doctor replies by shaking his head
in disgust and leaving the room. This behaviour leads Peri to
describe the Doctor as "brash, egotistical and arrogant" he dismisses
Peri's observations and insists she's left out "God-like, All Knowing,
While still wearing his old clothing the Doctor suffers a
claustrophobic fit which soon passes. The Doctor wonders out loud
why his clothes haven't regenerated with him this time. Annoyed,
The Doctor describes his previous incarnation as feckless, effete,
and worst of all - "nice". After this he considers donating his
cricketing outfit to Oxfam, but decides to just burn it in the
console room then and there, so no other hapless being comes across
it. Peri is now not only disgusted by the Doctor's behaviour,
but by his sudden nudity. She begs him to put something on,
ANYTHING on. With a wicked smile the Doctor prods - "Anything???"
"Oh god yes Doctor!! ANYTHING!! PLEASE!! NOW!"
The Doctor immediately dons a garish, clashing patchwork coat -
and in response Peri finally looses her lunch.
The Doctor ignores Peri's sickness and begins to operate the TARDIS.
While setting the co-ordinates for leisure world Presta-95, he
suddenly accuses Peri of being an alien spy and tries to strangle her
to death for a laugh. During the struggle Peri's top becomes
ripped to shreds, and the sight of cleavage somehow snaps him out
of the psychotic desire to kill her. The Doctor claims to Peri
that he has no memory of what he's done, and would like to start
all over, possibility with a candlelit dinner and some flowers.
Peri's obvious terror and her recoiling at his approach soon confirm,
however, that this cheap ploy at amnesia isn't going to work like
it did with his usual 1960s tarts. The Doctor tries a new tactic -
the showing of psychotic remorse.
The Doctor informs Peri that he intends to atone by becoming a
hermit -- on the desolate world of Titan Three. Peri insists
that the Doctor is full of shit, but when she looks back over
at him she sees the Doctor draped in long robes, chanting
"Oh fuck. It's going to be one of those days." Sighs Peri.
The TARDIS materializes on Titan Three, where the Doctor plans to
find a desolate cave in which to atone for the remainder of his days
by eating strangely coloured mosses and growing a ZZ Top beard.
Peri wants to know what her part in all of this will be, and
the Doctor pipes up with "You will minister to my needs!"
Peri pulls a face of revulsion "Fat chance, bozo."
The Doctor walks across the dead and horrific world of Titan Three,
flogging himself violently with a branch, and screaming to Peri of
his eternal sorrow and dedication to a life of solitude and
meditation. The Doctor enters the first cave they come across,
sits on the rocky ground and begins to hum an ancient song about
Rassilon. After a few moments the Doctor notices a mural on the
cave walls depicting giant gastropods. Seconds after this
observation The Doctor hears gastropods approaching and calmly
says to - "This planet is overrun with giant slugs. I'm getting
the hell out of here."
The Doctor runs back to the TARDIS, closes the doors, and sets
new co-ordinates. Peri asks the Doctor what the hell this has
all been about - why did he drop the hermit act after 5 minutes,
just because of a few big snails? The Doctor reminds Peri that he's
an alien, with alien manners and conduct. Whatever she may think of
his new self, he's the Doctor -- whether she likes it or not.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who & The Tits of Time
Doctor Who Versus Devo - Audial Attack
Peri's Secret - An internet story with slugs NonCons/Fmmmmmm/slugs
Peri makes no mention of the Doctor's heroic sacrifice on her behalf,
nor thanks him for it (bitch).
Fashion Victims -
It's just TOO easy.
Links and References -
Finally giving into Peri's complaints the Doctor does offer to
try on three different alternative outfits - The second Doctor's
furry coat, the third Doctor's velvet jacket, and Tegan's leather
bustier are all modelled by the Doctor -- and Peri finally agrees
to let the Doctor wear the stupid coat he wanted instead.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions that in his fourth incarnation he trained
to be one of those shaolin monks that flew around on wires.
Groovy DVD Extras -
The DVD itself doesn't have much in way of special extras.
But if your DVD player has a slow playback feature -- it's
good enough!!! Peri's scenes are all the better for it.
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: Well, look at me. I'm old, lacking in vigour, I no longer
know if I'm coming, have come, or even been winked at....
and there's no way I'm going to remember her phone number.
Peri: If you come near me again Doctor, I'll have to hurt you!
Doctor: In my time I have been threatened by experts!
Peri: Oh yeah? Who?
Doctor: James Burke! That bastard!
Doctor: The very core of my being is on fire with guilt and rage!
Peri: Oh please. Like I've never heard that from a guy before.
Doctor: Thou craggy knob!
Peri: Why do you like to play the man of mystery?
It's a role you play very badly!
Doctor: Have some respect! I'm trying to get in the mood, Peri!
Peri: How about I be the American airline stewardess again?
Doctor: Can I be the confused German tourist?
Peri: *Sigh* Sure...
Doctor: I bet you don't even know what a Peri is!
Doctor: Of course not! Even if you did you wouldn't admit it...
Peri: What are you on about?
Doctor: As you won't tell me, I shall tell you. A Peri is a good
and beautiful fairy in Persian mythology... The interesting
thing is... before it became good, it was evil! You are
thoroughly evil. You are a naughty and wicked she-spirit
Peri: Oh please Doctor, I'm not in the mood anymore.
That German accent was appalling.
Dialogue Triumphs -
(The Doctor has changed)
Peri: How is this possible?
Doctor: Peri, I'm AN ALIEN!
Doctor: YES! (Looks skeptically) I mean..it's obvious.
We've travelled to the volcano planet Sarn, defeated
a rogue shapeshifting robot, arrived on the distant
and cold world of Androzani Minor thousands of years
in your future, I've subjected you to the magical
healing rites of Rassilon...OF COURSE I'M ALIEN!
What were you thinking?
Peri: I just thought you were some weird English guy.
Doctor: Preposterous! *I* *AM* *ALIEN* NOT HUMAN AT ALL!
Peri: Like ET?
Doctor: ET? ET?? ET!!! I'm nothing LIKE ET!!!
ET was an actor.
Doctor: What word comes to mind when you think of me?
Viewer Quotes -
"My fandom has been abused!"
- Charles Daniels, After first viewing of serial
"Every story in Doctor Who has it's magical moments. It's
little twists, it's interesting asides, a moment of perfection
and uplifting spirit. Except for this piece of crap."
- Mr. Beyondo, Usenet (1993)
"Peri was just aggravating. I mean, she's supposed to be an American,
but she pronounces 'been' like 'bean', emphasizing the word, too. Who
the hell pronounces it 'bean' in America. It is 'Ben' or 'bin' or
maybe a highly drawled 'bee-in', but I've never heard an American say
'bean'. Grr. It just makes me want to spank her. Or maybe it's
those tight shorts she sometimes wears."
- R Dan Henry, Private E-mail Conversation (2004)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Yeah sure. This is fair! When I abduct women and drag them
to remote locales to "minister to MY needs", I'm seen as a criminal.
This guy does it and is still a beloved children's hero. I hate
the hypocrisy of fame! I mean if I snuff a drifter, I go to jail.
But if that son of a bitch Gandalf did it, he'd just be seen as
a quirky little wizard and let free to go and cavort with hobbits.
Colin Baker Speaks!
"The evening of the first broadcast, I went home, got out of my
car, opened my front door, walked in to where my wife was sitting
watching television, and stood there and said "I AM THE DOCTOR."
She looked at me and said, 'Oh yes? Could you move out of my way,
I'm watching Coronation Street.'"
Rumors & Facts -
Colin Baker was offered the job of the Doctor for a variety of
reasons. The most potent and important reason being that John
Satan-Turner believed Colin Baker to actually be Paul Merroney,
a character he portrayed in The Brothers.
Satan-Turner also knew that Colin Baker would agree to a 16 year
long exclusive contract - even this was far short of Baker's stated
intent to break all known records for playing the same character,
and in fact he intended to reign longer on the throne of Doctor Who
than Queen Elizabeth II has enjoyed over England.
Immediately there was a desire to create a whole new Doctor
unlike anything ever seen on television before. When they
came up with the idea of "A very unpredictable, argumentative,
boisterous individual, in other words - A Total and Complete Bastard",
everyone pointed out immediately that they had merely recreated
Hartnell. In order to further distinguish the character from
Davison they added in that the new Doctor was prone to spouting old
English poetry and theatre, and possessed of a vast repository of
obscure vocabulary -- through this they could fashion scenes which
showcased "acting", something critics mentioned was lacking from
the previous three seasons.
Baker wanted to make viewers initially suspicious of his Doctor, but
gradually earn their trust over the course of a decade or so.
Baker preferred a black latex outfit, but everyone vetoed this on the
grounds that it was too disgusting. Instead, and to the surprise
of no one, the producer wanted something totally tasteless.
When it later transpired that the outfit would require the presence
of large "question marks" there was a knowing, hopeless sigh, from
As the days wore on it seemed that things were going from fairly
bad to completely asshat. Things followed this pattern when JST
commissioned his personal friend, an eccentric man named Graham, to
write the first 6th Doctor serial. Graham made very slow progress on
his scripts, explaining his problems with increasingly bizarre
excuses, most famously a claim that his typewriter had exploded.
When the drafts were finally delivered, Saward discovered numerous
problems - most notably the absence of the Doctor and Peri, and
dialogue consisting mostly of strange groans. Graham explained
this as a mixed up on his part - claiming to have accidentally
sent them a script to a pornographic film he'd written. When
they requested the Doctor Who script from him, Graham explained
that he had accidentally sent off the script to a small,
independent, film studio in Amsterdam - and that the first Doctor
Who tie-in pornographic film was soon to be released, due to his
Saward complained to JST about the entire mess, and requested that
he be given permission to pen the first 6th Doctor serial by himself.
JST refused, as he didn't want to deny Graham writing credit, and
insisted that Saward "adapt" whatever he could from the script
that had originally been sent in - "Hot Nights And Red Lights".
In a further act of what some people still claim was nothing
more than deliberate sabotage, JST had decided to star the new Doctor
in the final story of Season Twenty-One, instead of holding him over
to lead off the next year. The producer felt that this would give the
public an opportunity to get used to the new star, instead of leaving
them waiting for nine months until Season Twenty-Two rolled around.
What he apparently didn't consider was this would actually leave
the general public with the tainted view of the Doctor as a mentally
unstable, cowardly, asshole -- a first impression which could not
be countered for almost an entire year!