Lame Shit

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

The One Hundred and Forty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels        1
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' The Unified Field Theory

Serial 6Y - Lame Shit -

 The Doctor is puzzled one evening when his companions fail to meet
him in the console room.  The Doctor waits patiently for several
hours, but eventually becomes annoyed at not having anyone to
assault with sarcastic banter.  The Doctor wanders around the rooms
more commonly visited by his travelling companions - but comes up
empty handed.  The Doctor is slightly worried that they might have
gotten lost in the endless maze of corridors -- but finds it unlikely
that Peri would have carried Sil any great distance into the ship.

 After exploring for some considerable time the Doctor happens upon a
dining room which has been disused for centuries.  To his shock and
dismay he discovers Peri, Sil, and FIVE of his other selves drinking
cheap wine and eating cold pizza.   The Sixth Doctor is angered to
learn that his companions prefer his older incarnations and has a
loud falling out with himself.

 The Doctor storms back into the console room screaming at Peri -

"So you want to go to OUTERSPACE so bad!!  Because Earth is SOO
LAME!!   Right!! OKAY!"   The Doctor manipulated the door control
switch. "Out there is the planet Karfel -- knock yourself out!"

 The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy has this to say -

 "          Planet: Karfel
          Language: BBC English
  Major Industries: Transport Equipment, Steel, Banking
            Events: None
           Culture: None
        When To Go: Never

  Summary Follows:
  Although often described by travellers as decidedly the
dullest place anywhere in time-space, the crowning proof of
this came from the MegaDodo Archtron Mega-Pan-Galactic Tourism
Award for the Dullest Place In Existence. The winner of the
award for the Dullest Place In Existence was the planet Karg,
in galaxy NGC-367.  Other places such as The Monotone Tune Chamber
of Goxonous and Staginus XII placed rather highly, while Karfel
failed to place whatsoever.  When the organizer of the MegaDodo
Archtron Mega-Pan-Galactic Tourism Awards was asked to comment
about such an obvious and blantant oversight, he responded with
mild surprise stating 'Oh yeah.  I just forgot about that
place even existing, wild man!'"

 Within moments of stepping out of the TARDIS, Peri rushes back
in - crying, apologising, and begging to go back to earth.
The Doctor taunts Peri, suggesting that he is entertaining the
idea of settling down on Karfel for a few centuries and getting
a job as a chartered accountant.  After milking remorse out of
Peri until he gets bored with it, he asks her if they could
return to earth at a time and place of his choosing.  Peri,
desperate to not spend another moment on Karfel agrees.   Not
surprisingly, the TARDIS arrives in 19th Century England!

 Sil and Peri are frankly disgusted and expect the entire trip
to Karfel was nothing but a ruse to get them to agree to go back
to 19th Century England - a time period which this Doctor appears
to have a certain fetish for.

 To quiet and calm a raging Sil, the Doctor waters him throughly
with a fine mist of spray while explaining his plans to Peri.
He has piloted the TARDIS into the bedroom of one of the 19th
Century's greatest minds - Oscar Wilde; and he expects quite
a hot date tonight.

 Peri and Sil decide to sit this one out in the TARDIS.  The
Doctor exits the TARDIS with a wide smile and sees a Victorian
gentlemen fast asleep in a stately bed.  Slipping beneath the
bed covers the Doctor reaches over and awakens the shocked fellow
in a way which, I shall simply fail to describe.

 The young gentlemen screams in shock and proceeds to beat the
Doctor senseless.

 Returning to the TARDIS, with a black eye and multiple bruises
the Doctor smiles at his companions and explains - "I don't think
that was Oscar actually.  Though, I DID always wonder where young
Mr. Wells got all those ideas for horrific alien invasions."

Book(s)/Other Related -
>From Anderson to Wilde: The Compleat Guide To Shaggable Victorian Men
Lonely Planets: Handy Guide To Galactic Hellholes
Ribald TARDIS Tales: Issue #29 - Sil And The Mind Control Ray

Goofs -
I don't believe that HG Wells was that heavy of sleeper --
I find it hard to believe ANYONE could be THAT heavy of a sleeper -
unless they were dead or something.

Technobabble -
The Doctor tells Peri 'You think you've had a difficult few weeks?
My sex life has gone from a hypertonic state to one in which I
perfectly simulate the effect of time particles colliding within a
multi-dimensional implosion field!'

Untelevised Misadventures -
Lame Shit is the sequel to an untelevised third Doctor/Jo Grant
story - On that occasion, the Doctor and Jo visited Karfel to
have a relaxing tea with the Bastard and apparently attempt
to bury the hatchet between all parties.   "Of course when
I realised the Hob Nobs were poisoned, that's when things got
ugly --- I was sick for weeks."

Groovy DVD Extras -
THE SHOCKING Alternate Ending!!!  The controversial final scene
in which the bruised and beaten Doctor informs his companions -
"Actually Mr. Wells didn't mind very much, all considered."

This ending was rejected as it was felt it lacked dramatic weight,
and could be intrepretted as supporting bondage pornography.

Dialogue Disasters -

Doctor: The waves of time wash us all clean.

  Peri: Is that true?

Herbert: Well that's what I told Herbert.

Peri approaches Doctor after the "homoerotic watering" Sil scene -

Peri: Umm Doctor, don't take this the wrong way...but, umm.
      I noticed how you are acting with Sil..and maybe I'm just
      jumping to conclusions, but are you and Sil...umm..

Doctor: Are we what?

Peri: You know...

Doctor: Fucking???  Peri!  I'm GAY!  Not deranged!


Dialogue Triumphs -


The Doctor is shocked to discover his companions -

6th Doctor: SO THIS is where you've been!  The whole time
            you were meant to be in the console room with
            me selecting new cat lapel pins for my jacket!

3rd Doctor: Oh no!  The old chap has found us at last!

2nd Doctor: Yes!  Oh well!  Fun while it lasted!

6th Doctor: How long has this been going on???

Peri: Only a few weeks now Doctor.  It just sort of...happened.

6th Doctor: I'm not mad at you Peri, and Sil....just at MYSELF.
            Where do you all get off stealing MY friends?

1st Doctor: Your friends?? Hmm???  Whatever is he talking about!?

4th Doctor: Yes!  Sil has been a friend of mine since he assisted
            me in a hostile take over of Galactic Salvage!

Sil: True glory days DOCTOR!!

1st Doctor: And it was Sil who saved me from the Bee People of

Sil: Yes, I chose a fortuitous moment to enslave the Bee People
     just shortly after your capture.

3rd Doctor: Sil and I have dined with Chairman Mao on many

2nd Doctor: YES!  And of course there was that time Jamie and
            I defeated Sil on the planet Maganus - great fun!

6th Doctor (furious): AND WHAT ABOUT YOU -- QUIET BOY?

5th Doctor: Oh, it was Sil who first exposed me to gases in
            the Praxis range.  Without him I would have never
            discovered the benefits of produce as lapel decor.

6th Doctor: RIGHT!  FINE!  And Peri?!

3rd Doctor: Well, she's with Sil, obviously!

6th Doctor: That's it!  That's last straw!  This is MY TARDIS!

(The Sixth Doctor runs out in a rage)

3rd Doctor: What a wanker.


Viewer Quotes -

"I hate this story.  I spent 3 years searching for the 3rd
Doctor/Jo Grant story in which the Bastard tries to pass off
poisoned biscuits for pudding.  I figured it HAD to be a real
story as EVERYTHING else was derivative trash - plots loosely
paraphrased from previous adventures.  How in the hell was I
suppose to know that this was going to be the one instance when
someone bothered to come up with something original!"
       - TimeLordStalker16, Usenet Discussion Forum, 11/12/1997

"Yo! TLS16!  I think I have the answer to your dilemma...but
not a very pleasing one.  I have thought about this for years
and almost everyone agrees that this is some freak isolated case
of someone having an original idea.  I know that something like
this is just bound to have happened by pure chance -- but if you
look closely you'll notice something -- EVERYTIME they bring
up continuity, they seem to get it freakishly wrong.  As if the
writers and producers were banned from watching old serials and
their memories of the show's history were painstakingly wiped by
the BBC.  My best guess is that the "missing" Doctor/Jo/Bastard
adventure ISN'T meant to be a missing story AT ALL.  It's just
they've screwed up their continuity wankfest so badly that they've
rendered the original source unrecognisable.  Just a thought."
      - NoseBleedBoy, Usenet Discussion Forum, 11/13/1997

"Stalker, I recently wrote a slash fic about this.  I'm not
sure if you're interested, but it's called 'The Third Doctor Is
Tied Up And Raped Repeatedly By The Bastard (Who For Some Reason
Dresses As A Teddy Bear).'  I have yet to meet many people into
my particular fetish - Homosexual Plushie Bear Play, but I'm
SURE someone in the Doctor Who community will appreciate my work.
By day I'm your average walking talking teddy bear, but whisper
the secret words into my ear, baby. and I become Super Ted!"
     - SuperTed, Usenet Discussion Forum, 11/16/1997

Psychotic Nostalgia -
(See above)

Colin Baker Speaks!
"I think one big bonus that I had over many of the previous actors
is that I have been a life long fan of Science Fiction.  That allows
me to understand the sort of subject material Doctor Who handles
on a week by week basis and allows me to see parallels.  I mean,
not to take anything away from his incredible performance - but
Jon Pertwee wouldn't know Philip K. Dick from Robert A. Heinlein.
Poor Peter Davison would get lost on the simplest discussions
about William Gibson and the nature of cyberspace.  Good old
Pat Troughton knew a lot about Lovecraft, but as soon as you
moved on to Niven, he was a deer in the headlights.  Now, Tom
Baker, well -- he LIVES in science fiction!!  He IS science fiction.
That man makes William S. Burroughs look like Jules Verne!"

Rumors & Facts -

 Finn McCoy had written several slash fiction short stories involving
classic science fiction authors of the 19th and early 20th centuries.
In early 1983 he submitted a story involving The Doctor, The
Cybermen, and Edgar Rice Burroughs that apparently caught JST's eye.
In fact Eric Saward commented that JST's interest in the story
"Bordered on a level of fanaticism, usually reserved for stories
which included scenes with erotic usages of question marks."

 Script editor Eric Saward rejected McCoy's idea, but told him that
he might reconsider his decision if it were rewritten without Tarzan
and included HG Wells instead.

 When Finn McCoy took this offer SERIOUSLY, and delivered the
script in record time, Saward realised that his sarcasm had finally
backfired on him.

 Reviewing the script, Saward developed concerns over the quality of
the adventure, McCoy's limited experience in television, and the
fact that when he decided to make a personal visit to McCoy about
the situation he discovered that the address he'd listed as his
residence was in actuality a trendy transexual nightclub in Soho.
Upon reporting these concerns to JST, Saward was only mildly
surprised at JST insistence to "check out matters for himself".

 Eventually JST admitted that he was so excited by the storyline
that he had already paid writer's fees to McCoy and he was
reluctant to waste them.  When Saward mentioned that he "writers
fees" amounted to 30 pounds and a free issue of Doctor Who magazine
he still failed to sway JST.  Annoyed Saward reminded JST that
putting a substandard story out might hurt their viewing figures
and appreciation index.  JST countered with the fact that the
ratings were at this point, the lowest in the history of the
programme, so the odds of anyone actually watching were in fact

 Saward tried to explain the concept of a "self-fulfilling prophecy"
to JST, but eventually gave up, took the scripts and wrote
"Some Lame Shit JST Wants To Produce" on top of them in bright
red biro.  Apparently the name stuck.

 The director assigned to Serial 6Y was Pennant Roberts, who was
dismayed by what he perceived as a poor-quality slash porn. Roberts
was further annoyed at having to include low grade disco music
over the scene featuring the historic meeting between the Doctor
and HG Wells.

 During the production Saward was called in to radically
alter one of the first scenes in episode one.  Changing an
outrageous 5 Men, 1 Women, 1 Slug Creature orgy scene into
a more pleasant gathering of old friends over warm wine and
cold pizza.  After this scene was toned down, and all sex excluded,
Tom Baker flatly refused to carry on filming - and so a desperate
last minute change was made - the Fourth Doctor was represented by
a hand puppet, voiced by Jon Pertwee.